170 Spiritual Perimeter: Containing The Feminine Reality

How “truthful” should you be in your relationship? In a committed relationship, that’s actually the wrong way to ask the question.

This episode covers a man’s role in influencing the shared perceptions (viz: Magician Archetype). We’ll look at it through different lenses such as “controlling frame” (Red Pill) vs. shared meaning-making (nation-building).

Please note: This track may include some explicit language.

Transcript

Should you tell the truth in a relationship?

Actually the better question is how should you tell the truth in a relationship?

Because it's different depending on the type of relationship you're in.

I was catching up with a friend of mine who I used to coach back in the day,

We were both in different life stages back then and now he was in a relationship where he's been thinking about committing and settling down and he's in this relationship and he wasn't sure if he should with this person or not with this woman and he decided to share that with her.

Like hey I'm not sure if this is the relationship I want to commit to and he was sharing this with me and I was like palm to forehead like no no that's not what you share with a woman that you're trying to,

Thinking about committing to no wonder she's feeling anxious and uptight and maybe not acting so nice to you unconsciously.

And he threw back at me something that was very reasonable which was but isn't telling the truth the most important thing?

Isn't telling the truth one of the most important things as a man to do?

Isn't that something that you say all the time?

And he was right that is something I say in fact I've even said,

I had to think about it more,

I was like I've even said on my podcast that telling the truth in real time is one of the best things you could do for connection,

For any kind of relationship right?

The more truth you could tell closer to real time it's essentially the more respect you're giving that person,

The more you're inviting them to really know the real you and therefore have a deeper connection,

Intimacy no matter what kind of relationship it is.

However that's particularly true or that is true,

I still believe that's to be true in symmetrical relationships whereas the type of relationship he was talking about the one that's not just romantic and intimate but committed and I'll define what that is in a moment,

Truly committed the rules are a little different because when I'm saying committed relationship I'm talking about one where the polarity,

The masculine feminine polarity is not just this abstract thing for show like you're not LARPing like you're actually you're becoming interdependent in a way where you rely on each other's masculinity or femininity like you're specializing in this way to become one unit you're relying on the other on your other half so to speak to handle those things you know you know spiritually or colloquially we could call them masculine feminine but they're essentially testosterone driven characteristics and oxytocin driven characteristics you know the functions of dealing with external life situations things on the outside versus things on the inside the the internal part of any tribe you know nourishment feeling good all the oxytocin stuff right what we call the feminine and this friend of mine just like me spent a lot of time in in like what we would call conscious relating communities be they tantra you know obviously I was in one taste for a while and basically any self-help communication place where expression and connection and things like this are really taught and exemplified this is something they also drive home right even in like free love polyamorous things or even in in something way more normal like I just think of my time as more of a normie dating in New York City in like that kind of single person's world where it's implied that you're not really committing to each other and you're all maybe dating multiple people for a time period that's common and in your early 20s let's say in big cities it's also great to share your truth in real time because in those situations even if there's talk of masculinity and femininity or belief or expression like it is kind of larping in a sense that it is kind of more of a show like okay I'm going to be the man and act masculine and do these kinds of things and you know you're going to be the woman and have these shows but in practice you're not really interdependent which is why in a sense it's still symmetrical relating right maybe you're on a date and you and you polarize for that time and there's beauty in that and obviously it's where lust and attraction comes from but then you go back to your separate units your separate apartments and you live your own lives where you're each your own masculine and feminine you know she goes and deals with her own accounting and life admin like she doesn't rely on someone she's not living with someone and the man is doing the same thing it's different right symmetrical relating even in even in a dating sense is still is still that right whereas true commitment is asymmetrical to the point of true interdependence and the rules are different specifically for the man in the situation because in that situation you are really asking you know asking subconsciously or implying that you want the woman to surrender into her feminine is what we would typically call it but basically rely on you for your ability to deal with the outside world right i mean that this all comes from our biological roots where to get you know to be pregnant is the absolute most vulnerable physically vulnerable thing a human being a woman can do so she needs to make sure that she can trust a man who can actually provide a perimeter for her right she can't she can't go hunting while pregnant right she needs to rely on a man who deals with that stuff and you know this is you know what we would call the perimeter a man's role in a polarized relationship is to form the perimeter the the limit between the unit be it a family a relationship which is essentially a proto family a tribe which is an extended family a nation which is an extended extended family etc man's role is the perimeter and we we culturally often talk about the material side of the perimeter right the protecting the providing but especially for modern humans this is not the biggest thing obviously you want to make ends meet and you don't want you know your wife or girlfriend to get kidnapped right but that's not typically that's not a day-to-day concern for most of us right if your bills are paid if you're eating you've basically provided a material perimeter you know maybe it's not the most luxurious but actually what comes into play more specifically when it comes to a woman subconsciously thinking about real commitments what matters more often is the spiritual aspect of the perimeter and what I mean by spiritual perimeter I'm not talking about religion or even the hippie version of spiritual I'm speaking about all the parts of our metaphoric perimeter that are abstract right and not the concrete stuff not the not the physical things but the moral values the beliefs the perceptions and the internal reality the social reality if you will of the relationship or the family of the group and this is a critical role of masculinity in that masculinity is to provide the perimeter the spiritual perimeter is incredibly important which means in in at least in the context of say the story that I opened with you don't dump uncertainty on your partner right it is it is nice in a symmetrical relating sense to be like all right here's everything is going on for me I'm being I'm putting it all on the table and that's a very kind thing to do in a casual relating sense but when you're in a committed situation a truly interdependent relationship or you're trying to move towards a relationship like that or you're in some way asking your woman to enter into true interdependence which means in some way she depends on you you don't dump uncertainty on her you go out and refine the truth and then bring her the certain truth so in the context of what I shared about my friend it's like I told him like you need to figure out on your own and your own time whether or not you want to be with her and then you tell her the certain truth right you take it out of the realm of possibilities and like here is actual reality I do want to be with you I'm committed no one has to think about or talk about it again or the opposite is also fine like I thought about it this is not the relationship I want to be in it hurts I'm sorry but we need to break up and that's also a kinder thing than dumping uncertainty because if you're dumping uncertainty on the woman you're forcing her to pay attention to the spiritual perimeter you're forcing her to think about what is going on in the relationship and you know obviously that is a thought stream that's going to cause some level of neuroticism in a woman and this is not obviously a criticism of women it's just like it's totally understandable if like a woman is on sub subconscious level or maybe conscious wondering if she should really enter the deep deep state of vulnerability that is getting pregnant even if you're not planning on getting pregnant this is where our evolutionary instincts come from you're not doing her any any favors you're actually dumping a burden on her as opposed to pre-packaging reality for her where you're actually relieving her of that burden so I think this this transition from symmetrical relating to truly taking responsibility over the spiritual perimeter is a transitional stage for men right I was actually chatting with a friend of mine who's about my age mid-30s and we're talking about how half of our friends our age are still single doing the bachelor thing and that's normal as a 30 something but then half of our friends are settling down and having kids and that's also normal we're kind of in this middle phase actually you could argue that you know from 25 on 25 until you're old right you're in in modern culture men are in this liminal phase where they can kind of choose to continue symmetrical relating which is fine or they can start to take responsibility I do think you know not to say that anyone needs to live in a certain way or want a certain kind of relationship I do think it is it is the next stage in maturity like if you if you call my podcast episode on the five stages of the male psyche you know this is the transition from warrior to king where the warrior is out to win which is an important phase of life and then the king is partly using his previous winnings for his dependence he's choosing to have a realm and in as far as the spiritual perimeter goes for most men and you know beyond the house that you you own let's say or the land that you live on which is you know arguably not not the same thing as a as a true physical realm what really matters what really matters is the head of a household or the you know the the default alpha male of the tribe your family your relationship your team whatever is taking responsibility for this spiritual perimeter but the spiritual perimeter is not just about telling her how things are it's a whole set of things and actually this goes into a deeper thing about human consciousness in that the reason why we have spirituality and actually the reason why I call it the spiritual perimeter as opposed to using another word like the moral perimeter or the you know the belief aspect of your relationship or something wordy like that I mean one spiritual is a pretty concise word but also the whole reason why we have metaphysical values is that as thinking humans as thinking creatures as creatures that can time bind in the words of Alfred Korzybski spoke about this concept in the general semantics episodes on the podcast the reason why we do this is that as humans we have the ability to plan for the future we have the ability to come up with guidelines or principles or ideas or values or beliefs that might not affect our lives immediately but in following this thought stream of the infinite things you can think about or believe or perceive of being able to perceive things that are not immediately there because they're either in the future or they're a belief about the world that you can't observe with your five senses these kinds of beliefs ideally will lead to a better future in our material lives as far as survival and replication right we we pick values we follow religions we we pick uh we decide on principles we we make checklists of how we're gonna live our lives or our own your own moral compass for instance with the hope that it's going to lead to a better future and in a polarized relationship a truly interdependent asymmetrical relationship a committed relationship for the woman to really be in her feminine and really be in at ease which means going inward in some ways and being going more into her feelings evolutionarily to have babies you know it's still true whether or not you decide to have children because all of our romantic proclivities come from our reproductive instincts for a woman to do that she really needs to trust that you have this handled so there is more to the spiritual perimeter than just saying what the truth is beliefs principles vision is also important and we're also going to talk about now actually the first thing you have to do is unify your reality so one of the sticking points that we see in relationships when they are in that archetypal transition from the hormone driven honeymoon phase into the potential for real commitment it's kind of one of the major thresholds in relationships one of the issues that often comes up is the recognition that you have different values that you have different cultures different perceived norms about how things should be and in some cases it can be very cute like oh i think things should go this way and she thinks this should go this way and you laugh about it but sometimes this clash of values can be a very big deal and it's very hard to have harmony in the relationship if you don't have a unified reality and if you're the man in the relationship if you're the perimeter setter it is your job i would say if there is a difference and it's natural for there to be some differences that you are the one who does the work to unify the reality because you are the one who is setting the spiritual perimeter for both of you if you're in a healthy polarized relationship if you have healthy asymmetry where you're actually interdependent now this is something i got lucky with personally because i didn't really think about this too much when i was screening for my real life partner my now wife and i thought about many other different things i did kind of i did recognize we had similar values but there's a lot of different issues when it comes to living together and having a child and just simply having a committed relationship that i didn't really think of and i realized i should have probably screened for although i did get quite lucky in that when it comes to basically the important things were on the same page which has saved us a lot of trouble that i see in many relationships because especially in the pandemic era i've seen this a lot where unfortunately you know two people who like each other love each other get together for the right reasons but maybe slightly have different values maybe one's more liberal one's more conservative or one's more this one's more that they found out during the pandemic and usually it didn't matter right these were things that were not in the forefront of their relationship in the pandemic era i mean and i could maybe blame culture and media for making things that maybe didn't have to be so important seem very important and trigger survival fears i would see a lot of relationships have a lot of trouble because these slightly different values became polarized and now they're in different realities and it's very hard to have a harmonious relationship if you're in different realities so if you're not in a relationship i'm probably gonna do another episode on things that are important to screen for in a life partner things that i i mostly got lucky with i should i should uh have thought about prior but if you're already in a relationship and you've recognized this cultural split like this difference in reality is different in values if you're the man it is on you to unify the reality it is on you to create the unified spiritual perimeter in which all of you and your dependents your woman maybe your children maybe somehow other people i don't know it's your job right as the pack alpha is a default alpha male of your group which in a relationship if you're a man you should be it's on you and you can't blame someone from for having different cultural values right you're assuming you got together as adults she's had an entire life before you friends family maybe different different influences that's just how it is right everyone is different and there's not even to say that one culture is the best what does matter though is if you are going to merge together become interdependent become a survival unit and in an evolutionary sense it is so critical to be on the same page right otherwise you're not going to have harmony and the thing that i would check for the thing that i pay attention to or would what i suggest to any man in a relationship where there's some disharmony on the reality level it's a screen does she respect you and this is you know polarity 101 stuff that that matters of course always but if she really respects you if she really trusts you if she really trusts your competence then these differences in values even if it causes a conflict i wouldn't worry about it so much because if she respects you and really trusts you even if even if she thinks your ideas or i can't believe you're believing in such thing it is natural based on her evolutionary instincts based on her feminine wiring her baby making instincts if you will to defer to you if she respects you right and this is this is not because women are less competent or anything it comes down to the basic principles of why polarity even exists which is simply if a woman is pregnant she can't also deal with the outside world right those two things you know those are two totally different sets of neurotransmitters totally different modes of behavior she can't go hunting and thinking about things while she's eight months pregnant like those two things can't go together which is why it's important and this is obviously a very anti-feminist idea but it's true evolutionarily why women screen for a man they can depend on if she's going to have his baby right so respect is the most important thing and if you're if you've recognized that your partner doesn't respect you that is priority number one right do not go into like any of these like red pill or nlp or you know cult stuff like you know even though i think this is all interesting and there's there's something to tactics for unifying a reality if she doesn't respect you it doesn't matter because the most important thing as far as you know quote convincing a woman into something is ethos right in in oratory as far as the greeks believed there's three modes of influence right there's pathos emotional appeal logos which is logical appeal rational appeal and ethos in a relationship ethos trumps everything in fact you try to logically convince your partner that you should do things this way or it's better this way none of that matters even if you're the most airtight perfect logician like the best debater in the world we all know you never win those debates even if you're right right doesn't matter however if she really respects you then she'll probably go along with your logic because again this is not to say that women don't have the same abilities as far as logic goes it simply comes down to most women don't want to right and her again her reproductive instincts would drive all of her attraction drive for intimacy love connection in relationship they don't want to have to deal with that stuff because it's like almost a totally different world you can think of it as a separate archetype in her psyche it's like you know we we know uh biologically testosterone and oxytocin which are the drivers of masculine and feminine behavior in many cases they're diametrically opposed in how they affect your behavior inject testosterone in someone they're going to be obviously more cold more competitive more more focused on time oxytocin is the opposite more cooperative more agreeable more focused on the now more present so if you've recognized that your woman doesn't respect you don't get butt hurt right that's the worst thing in fact that is in itself failing her test because the reason why women have to test this has been covered a lot is that if she's going to enter that vulnerable state where she defers external reality to you where she is relies on you for the protecting and providing but also the spiritual perimeter the beliefs which hopefully lead to better protection and providing better survival for your offspring she needs to know that you actually have the perimeter handle like if she's going to enter your walls she needs to know that she'll actually be safe in it meaning the walls are actually secure and you're not going to turn on her those two things right which is why women have two kinds of tests this is this is terminology from the poa slash red pill world but it's the best terminology we have there's the shit test which many men get earlier on in the more dating attraction phase like pre pre-sex this is what happens often she needs to give you shit to see if you're mad enough to deal with it because if you're not the sex isn't going to be good and she really shouldn't have your baby right if you if you get butt hurt over some some sort of shit test some sort of throwback at you some sort of maybe like dominance game that many women actually do unconsciously specifically when they're screening to see if they want to sleep with a guy or not if you get butt hurt over that then chances are you're not actually a strong man and you're not going to give her strong offspring and you're probably going to run when when you guys are under threat right based on our evolutionary instincts so obviously that's why the women give shit tests and you know it's very easy to get butt hurt over like why doesn't she already respect me like why doesn't she see i mean does why doesn't she recognize that i'm a good guy and i'm confident all these things it's like because how should she know that right and i say all this because as a guy who's been butt hurt and therefore failed various shit tests in my life i think just having this perspective recognizing the big ask you are making of a woman in asking her to surrender at any stage of the relationship being entering the vulnerable state of having you inside of her or the more vulnerable state of having your baby inside of her or the as vulnerable state of being inside of your perimeter be it material or spiritual or both it's a huge ask so she better test because it's not like she can enter your perimeter and leave easily right like once she enters your perimeter which you know on an emotional level means falling in love with you becoming very attached to you we all know anecdotally it's very hard specifically for a woman to detach right if a woman and this happens all the time woman doesn't screen well or maybe her traumas or poor imprint imprinting from her upbringing causes her to pick a guy who she shouldn't fall in love with but it's too late now like she slept with him he he charmed her she's in love with him turns out he's a loser it's like shit like she you know we all know women who've been in relationships that they shouldn't have been in because they basically didn't screen as well as they maybe could have and they ended up in a perimeter that they can't get out of easily you know whether it's a loser or a guy who is abandons her or something right she needs to screen to make sure that you are first able to create a perimeter for her and also willing right will are you able to protect provide and give vision to the family the spiritual perimeter or are you going to fold and then also if you're strong are you willing right the second kind of test which you get later on in the in the courtship ritual if you will typically after sex before commitment is the comfort test or during commitment which is her checking okay you know she's been attracted to you she's entered your perimeter presumably she believes she believes in your competence she believes that you're able probably she might give you the comfort test to check if you actually are willing to share your ability if you're going to use her your strength to provide for her and this is something i'll fully admit i have failed this kind of test even in recent months because my wife has had emotional moments where she's she's basically tested to see if i was committed to the relationship and i've actually gotten insulted you know i got butt hurt in a sense i failed the test in that i was like because my logical mind is like how could you not think i'm committed right like we have a child together i provide for all of us we've moved countries together like how could you possibly even insinuate that i might have even said that in the fight like how could you say that like that i'm not committed but there's a good reason for it right every test is an opportunity to pass right like like a woman it's just like you know belts in traditional and traditional martial arts or or any kind of exam it's like it's an opportunity to advance to the next level and in terms of relationship and unified reality and intimacy every test a woman gives you from the beginning to the end she's doing it to see if she should you know in a sense let you in more in another sense enter your reality more so back to the shit test she shit tests you if you pass it's not like you stay the same right it's not if you fail maybe she disqualifies you if you pass then she's like okay maybe i'll sleep with him or you're at least closer to that kind of intimacy and with a comfort test is the same thing right if you fail a comfort test even in the middle of a relationship and i'll say this you know from the male brain it doesn't really make sense because for most men if you're committed you're committed if you're not if you're you're not but from the female experience there are layers right there's almost endless levels in both directions it's a continuum if you will or many many locks and many gates if you will if you fail the test even if you're nominally committed your partner might guard herself a little more she might put her walls up she might start to build her own perimeter which might feel like basically not trusting you or not being willing to let you uh hold the reins metaphorically i mean metaphorically in terms of leading your family or even in in what to believe as a group but if you pass the test she will surrender more she will trust you more she will defer and like just trust that you have reality handled you are able and willing to lead the family and therefore she can really enter feminine whereas of course we speak about in all the episodes on helping women to feminine that's where all the good stuff and the fun stuff happens in relationship the passion the love the trust the intimacy all the beautiful things that come in romance especially in extended romance occur when she's in your perimeter when she's really willing to trust you which means respecting you which most easily comes from passing the test that she will inevitably give you in fact this is the reframe that i want everyone to remember all the men is that anytime you're getting a test from the early on shit test to the later on comfort test or anywhere in between while it can be insulting at times from our perspective like why is she testing me like why doesn't he trust me already one she should she should be testing because she's putting herself in a very vulnerable state being in the feminine with you whether that means having your baby or or just or not and two every test is an opportunity to go deeper right if you pass the test she will respect you more in fact women obviously mostly do this unconsciously or semi-consciously many women it's totally unconscious like they don't know why they're doing it their reproductive instincts are telling them they have to test the man before they surrender and on the on the flip side the positive effects like when you pass a test she can't help but trust you a little more i mean this is something that you know it's kind of a revelation to me in dating it's like i mean more in the in the shit test department like she gives me shit i don't i don't get butthurt maybe i throw it back at her or i or i double down on whatever like let's say i made a joke that was a little bit off color or anti-feminist and and and she you know throws something at me like a challenge essentially a shit test a disguised shit test and i pass it i display to her that i'm secure and and i'm also not mean like it was actually meant in good humor the woman usually can't help then softening like she can't help becoming a little attracted maybe a lot attracted because this programming is so deeply wired in into us especially women that we can't help it in the same way that there's certain things that just attract you as a man you can't help it sometimes the same thing occurs which should be an uplifting idea especially if you're in a relationship where it seems like things have been going in the wrong direction know that yeah okay if you've been together for years and you've been playing a beta role if you've been letting her be in the masculine role and yeah it's going to take some time to undo that but in the same way that she probably unconsciously put her walls up entered her masculine stop trusting you if you do the right things consistently she can't help but change right there's no way that i mean if either she's going to change or she's going to be so doubled down on maybe her ideas that she doesn't like you that she's going to have to leave one of those two things are going to happen but either way and i say this to all guys who are maybe trying to rework the polarity or the dynamic in their relationship if you take responsibility for your side of things you are almost certainly going to have the reciprocal in a relationship it might not be with the woman that you're with this right this moment like maybe things are too far gone or she's traumatized or she has certain ideas in her in her head but if you do the right things if you really embody your healthy masculinity it can't you can't help but have the opposite the reciprocal meet you right if you become really secure you can't help but have another secure person enter your field whereas you know if the other person is committed to being insecure they'll probably leave because they'll be uncomfortable it's kind of one of the the rules of uh of archetypal relating if you will so finally as far as unifying your reality it's all about ethos it's all about respect more than convincing her to be one way or another the traits that will make you a happy and powerful and secure and just like fulfilled man are the same exact things that will allow her to respect you and allow you to unify the reality right a lot of it i mean and this is one of the things that is so great i mean it should be a relief if you're already working on yourself and you also want to work on your relationship it's also one of the beautiful things about why i'm particularly interested in in relating with women it's not necessarily about the women at least for me it's not anymore i mean i'm married it's about how in improving my relationship dynamic it kind of forces me it's almost like the external it's the external version of what's going on inside of me like if my woman is kind of frazzled and upset and putting her walls up chances are it's not 100 but maybe 80 of that is because i've been not in my masculine whereas the the converse is also true so the basic things that are important like and this all goes back to the spiritual perimeter right decisiveness confidence ambition these basic traits that are just good for your life are also the things women screen for specifically because they contribute to the perimeter right going back to what i what i mentioned uh in should you tell the truth uh in relationship or how should you tell the truth in relationship it's like don't bring uncertainty to her like you decide what reality is and then you're like here here's the reality that i'm presenting she might reject it but chances are if she trusts you and respects you and in some way wants to have your child or is attracted to you she'll be like okay right and you see this a lot and i know i'm maybe oversimplifying it especially again in the pandemic era where people have really taken extra extra seriously these beliefs or values or perceptions that maybe don't need to be so serious especially not in a relationship in fact i'll say you know i do know relationships where the two people believe in totally opposite things when it comes to pick one of the issues of the day vaccines or masks or any of that bullshit but their relationship reality is so much more important than those issues that even if they believe those things and maybe maybe like you know jab at each other at times what really matters is their shared reality like those things those things trump and another example for my relationship is like i tease my wife all the time for taking astrology seriously i think it's kind of crazy she thinks you know she thinks the opposite but that those set of perceptions while they're not in my spiritual perimeter it doesn't really matter like our shared reality matters so much more and really all it comes down to is respect right if she if the woman respects the man then the realities will merge because ultimately what her body wants what her reproductive instincts wants is to be with a man who whom she trusts to lead the family the group the tribe the nation in the right direction based on his values his principles which means decisiveness it means you have some direction and ultimately confidence right women want a man who is sure of what he's doing more than whether or not he's actually right right a woman will forgive you if you're wrong a woman is less forgiving if you're constantly uncertain and unsure and changing your mind all the time this is another reason why follow-through is so important right if you're saying all the you have these grand visions but you're not following through it doesn't actually matter if the vision was good right what matters is you're actually going to lead to better results for the survival and replication of your children so say you've taken responsibility for the frame of the relationship the spiritual perimeter if you will you also have done everything you can to be a man worthy of respect worthy of being followed so that you can unify the reality unify the internal culture how do you actually lead in the relationship how do you actually lead the reality and remember as i spoke about in uh should you tell the truth in relationship if you're going to take that true masculine role in an interdependent relationship where you're actually in practice asking of her in some way to truly enter the vulnerable state of being in her feminine you have to in a sense prepackage reality you need to decide on what the reality is for you for the group right the shared perceptions the norms how are you going to collectively perceive things because a group is only unified as far as their collective perceptions go and even before spiritual perimeter the reason why we have spirituality the reason why we have moral principles the reason why we believe or perceive abstract things that are not immediate again is because if we as conscious time-binding beings if we pick the right principles the right ideas if we perceive the right things if we plan into the future the right way if we have the right vision ambition ideas ideally the reason why these adjectives exist why these traits exist is that if we plan well enough we will lead ourselves to a better future so when it comes to the relationship let's say the family the tribe the spiritual perimeter it only matters as far as it can lead to a better future which means more directly part of the spiritual perimeter is vision you know one of the ways i think uh many relationships kind of grow stale or stagnant beyond the loss of polarity let's say or actually i just say part of the loss of polarity is a lack of vision right when you've just gotten together and you're hitting it off and you have all those feel-good hormones and and lust chemicals the honeymoon period well that that is the challenge right that is the that is the new thing that's exciting which is why uh people often jump you know spend a lot of time jumping from relationship to relationship or uh you know hook up to hook up because that high is so in itself it's appealing at some point though most people want to chase a different kind of high and like the that next threshold of commitment is exciting and maybe as a young couple or a young family you have different challenges to to solve and actually this is something young said as to why many relationships you know he didn't use the term seven-year itch but he did say like around five to ten years relationships sometimes lose their their um their interest and he was saying how typically introverts and extroverts get together because they they have the skill set that you know the other one is missing and when they're young and like building a family or like just trying to get by in the world to try to carve out their realm together they really lean on each other and he actually used the imagery of like an introvert and extrovert gets together back to back and they're outward facing the world because they have to deal with it but once they've secured their lives their lifestyle their realm they've bought the house they've had the kids but whatever and they don't have any external problems anymore this introvert and extrovert will turn and face each other and they don't have a lot in common and then they get bored with each other because they don't have a unified reality and he spoke about how when you have that kind of transition it's important to understand the other person's side and i would say to bring it back into our framework same thing right a masculine person a feminine person typical man and woman get together because they have the traits that the other one doesn't right you know all these reproductive instincts again come back down to pregnancy for her to really go into the inward state that making life in her body requires she needs someone else who can handle all the outside stuff ideally better than she can or is more interested in it at least right so you know you deal with that and at some point when you do turn inwards that's where a lot of the conflict occurs and at times it's almost kind of like a having this type of conflict where you don't have problems to solve you don't have externally driven problems to solve so you create new ones you don't have an external adventure you don't have an external thing that you have to deal with right so you have to you have to there's a tendency to create some whereas a very simple way to hack this a very simple way to continually contribute to the spiritual perimeter so you don't have to create issues internally is essentially to expand the perimeter this is why you know as far as like fatherhood principles that the lessons that i draw on the most are actually from like uh you know historical conquerors because a nation is essentially a giant family it's it's an extrapolation extension of a family the emperor is the king is essentially the father of all fathers and as long as the nation keeps expanding and i'm not i'm not making an argument for imperialism necessarily but there is something so inherently masculine about being a conqueror right this constant expansion of borders essentially occupies the family occupies the tribe occupies the nation and as far as bringing this back bringing this metaphor back down to reality as the perimeter setter as a spiritual perimeter setter having a vision for the future a continuous vision of like it doesn't have to be like we're going to conquer the world although there's a reason why those uh that that sentence is kind of like a romantic cliche like we're going to conquer the world together you know or going back to like a common mythology or that you could even go like the the disney princess uh trope the whole thing with a whole new world the magic carpet ride right that is so inherently romantic to women because it hits on this evolutionary thing of like oh the guy who's going to take me to a whole new world is going to whisk me off on the magic carpet or the horse or the elephant or the ship or whatever he's taking me places which is why the spiritual perimeter exists which is why the red pill community in a very cynical way talks about hypergamy it's like it's totally natural for a woman to want to get with a guy who's going to take her places who's going to lead to their children being higher status and better off than she was than her family was right it's the natural drive of life to to move towards increase to move towards betterment right who doesn't want that right it's all all of our evolutionary instincts are that especially for women and again going back to a truly committed interdependent relationship basically based on having children whether you decide to or not it's based on that so the key thing as far as leading the frame controlling the frame right if you've already unified the reality by being a man worthy of respect which is really about your life the next thing is what is the next thing right which is ambition which is having a vision for the relationship because if you're not providing a vision eventually the reality will fall apart because going back to the more philosophical side of these things the spiritual perimeter you know is essentially the filter of how you're taking in the rest of the world right especially now we can see in the news there are unlimited ways to filter reality there's unlimited ways to interpret reality and you know the and now more than ever the realities are almost like mutually exclusive like the fox news reality and the cnn reality and the reality of people who don't consume media they used to overlap a lot but now more than ever they really don't touch and they're kind of like religions right you know there's the cnn god and then there's the the fox news gods and the alternative gods and they're all the reason why we have these belief systems is the same reason why people have had religion ever since they could perceive things beyond what's immediately in front of them is that we're wired to try to choose value sets value systems that we hope that if we rely on them if we lean on them they will lead to a better future so that one we can save on decision making energy right if you have certain principles like i always wake up at seven or i i always you know i always let the kids eat first or i always pray five times a day or whatever the thing is if you have these kinds of rules for yourself that you've pre-decided are the right guidelines like the protocol to follow and you actually trust that are going to lead to a better future you don't have to think about it so much right that's the first thing it saves you on brain power the second thing is hopefully if you screen them properly or if you've been indoctrinated into a belief system that is actually good for you it'll lead you to a better place actually i was just hearing uh joe rogan was speaking with balal muhammad who's muslim was speaking about islam and how a lot of top level mma fighters these days are muslim and joe rogan who's obviously not muslim was talking about how well if you have these strict rules right because islam is one of the maybe the the last religion that really that pretty much anyone who calls themselves a muslim is following the rules at least more to a greater degree than say your typical christian right by having these rules rule sets right ramadan praying five times a day whatever you don't have to think about certain things right and if you believe in the rule set if you think that the value system is good then we don't have you really don't have to you can save all that brain power of deciding what to do in your future the anxiety of the decision making anxiety that is so common for young people in our more rationalistic atheistic society you save all that trouble and then ideally you follow a path that leads to something good right i'm not religious but i can see the value more and more and i spoke about this in the atonement with the father episode like i really see the value in these patriarchal monotheistic religions that i was raised catholic i rejected it at a young age but there is something about having this thing that's greater than me this perception in this higher power the the father of fathers that i can lean on and trust that he'll give me the guidance right and bringing us back into the relationship stuff it's the same thing in relationship right this hierarchy is not about one being better than the other or certainly not saying that men are better or anything but given that women do the absolute most important internal thing for a survival group a relationship a tribe which is creating life in their bodies and it requires so much resource and a totally different kind of mindset different neurotransmitters different hormones than the one that's good at competing with external forces testosterone it is on the man to provide that to the woman and this goes down to pre-packaging reality and being decisive on what what the truth is it's about being respectable enough that she can based on your behavior trust that you're worth trusting right because she's she's almost you know when a woman really enters her feminine she's almost betting like she's almost like hopping on a ship that she won't be able to control later like she has to make sure that the ship is a good one the ship being you right it's going to go in the right direction it's not going to break down i'm not going to have to get up and steer because i want to be inside the ship right you know she needs to trust that which is why women should test which is also why you need to display all these traits that we've been talking about decisiveness ambition confidence all the things that make you all the things that embody the masculine archetype so the spiritual perimeter you know i know when i say pre-packaging reality can sound kind of culty and it is right i mean this is another way to put it is that this is what cults do in an extreme level right they pre-package reality that benefits you i hope that if you are listening to this and you want to have a healthy relationship you're doing this not to make power moves or it's not about withholding or deceiving to to control right like i sometimes use the red pill terminology of controlling frame but i think again as with most things red pill it's true but an unnecessarily aggressive tone where okay yes it is controlling frame but it's more like leading a reality you're leading the reality because that is what is actually most beneficial to her which at times means you know being the strong one or you know a lot of times passing the shit test means you know not buying into what she says or maybe even being disagreeable and i'll do another episode on the on the virtue of disagreeability because for jordan peterson talk about disagreeability a lot and i really want to break down why this is important because it does seem like an antisocial trait in some ways it is but disagreeability is important because very simply someone who's too agreeable is entering other people's perimeters and she wants to know if a woman is going to enter your perimeter she wants to know that you're actually setting the perimeter right she doesn't want to hop on a ship and find out it's actually parked inside of another ship right anyways not to get too philosophical leading frame in the relationship comes down to essentially vision unifying the reality by being someone worthy of respect and building a spiritual perimeter for for the entire family and the last idea here is that when you're entering this kind of relationship i'm talking about the truly committed interdependent relationship you're seeing you're not seeing yourself as just yourself and like oh here i have a wife and i have a child i have a girlfriend i have whatever right you are now i mean this is truly what i think embodies the king archetype is that you are now seeing yourself as the entire realm all of your dependents all the people that lean on you for support all the people that you protect and provide that you provide the guidance that is the spiritual perimeter you're seeing yourselves all as one right you're seeing yourself as one unit as you're moving through the world and you just happen to be let's say the brain of the organism or the one that's looking out into the world and if you're doing this if you're taking on this true perspective it kind of throws out all the things that a lot of people talk about as like being the dominant one or like you know it becomes you're being the healthy dominant male in the way that is mutually beneficial anyways i talk about dominance in other episodes so i'm not gonna i'm not gonna drive this by things just an important perspective of seeing yourself as the entire unit and as together as a tribe you move through reality which is why this spiritual perimeter even though you know we're talking about leading in the relationship obviously for the benefits of having a healthy relationship it's really about leading your family through reality in a way that's going to benefit all of you which is you