151 On Boyhood Wounds: Love, Power, Expression

Boyhood Wounds come from natural desires not met in childhood. When left open too long then turn into fantasy, delusion, and pathology. This episode explores some of the darker parts of male psychology, and how to heal the wounds that affect your adult behavior. Referencing Jung, Attachment Theory, and some of my embarrassing stories.

Transcript

So last week an old acquaintance of mine reached out to me He's a guy I hung out with a bit when I was in Bali and good guy cool guy I liked him pretty cool other than this one thing which was I had introduced him to a good female friend of mine who was also in Bali and He developed this uncomfortable unrequited crush on her and it wasn't like he was hitting on her being lewd or anything like that it was actually in a sense worse like He thought for sure that they were destined to be together He even went as far as say as in a plant medicine ceremony He got this clear vision That the love of his life would be introduced to him in a certain way and it kind of matched up with the way I introduced Them and he thought for sure that this was the love of his life She wasn't she isn't she didn't like him So,

Of course it creeped her out right like in his mind It was probably a very romantic thing or maybe he just was sure of himself you know,

I think most women if they already liked a guy and he Said he had a vision that they were gonna be together forever that maybe can be endearing or romantic in that context but if a woman doesn't like a guy and he says that it's just creepy and You know that happened.

I didn't think much of it however many years ago it was but then recently he reached out to me and I hadn't spoken to him in a long time and He asked for the contact of my friend which was like I mean,

Of course it made me cringe But because he was a good guy and every other way I did,

You know I did reach out to my friend and I asked even though I knew she was gonna say no and I wanted to do At least go that far for him And of course,

You know,

She and I ended up talking about it because now she was extra creeped out now It's years later and he's still in some way pining or holding on to some delusion or I don't even know what he really wanted to communicate to her but something about it is Uncomfortable and I think most women and many men would find it at least cringy this whole thing but then looking at it from his perspective or going a little deeper I did realize that I Can relate to this and I think many men if they really think about it and go into it can relate to this kind of deluded Fantasy feeling it maybe has been a long time since a man,

You know an adult man has felt something like this and Maybe you've never gone this far But I think most people actually have experienced some Had some experience of unrequited love that may be developed into fantasy chances are you know,

This is something that happens to you in early adolescence or maybe in childhood and and whether it's creepy or endearing It's kind of a matter of perspective right for an adult man to be feeling this way it's it is kind of weird,

But you know,

I've said some version of the story many times in the podcast and how one of the major catalysts for my own growth was this Huge heartbreak ahead at the relatively young age of 15 You know where I was in a totally deluded fantasy crush on female friend of mine I got publicly rejected and it was kind of this cause of it was his catalyst It put me so deep into pain that it forced me to learn change my behavior Right and I could look back on it and put a positive spin on it You know Even my wife today would probably be glad I experienced that heartache back then because then it led me to The behaviors I have now But back then it was creepy,

Right?

There's no way around it right to the the woman that I asked out To the people who are in the audience in my high school.

It was creepy.

It was at least at least cringy on some level So it's kind of a matter of perspective and we could go even further back right?

I go back to my earliest Emotionally charged memory at least in this field when I was five I had also I mean I had many crushes and I'm gonna share some embarrassing moments for educational purposes in this episode But you know,

I've had many delusional crushes in my life And one of the first ones I can remember is when I was five I had this mad crush on my kindergarten teachers assistant.

I Don't know why I can't remember why I could kind of remember what she looked like.

She was a grown woman Kind of pretty I don't know why I was so obsessed with her But I was maybe she was nice to me on like the first day of kindergarten and I created some attachment.

I'm not sure And we look back at this and be like,

Oh that's kind of cute,

You know,

Five-year-old has a crush on the teacher but if I share with you the details of what I fantasized about as a five-year-old even it's not that it's not that innocent It's not that cute anymore I don't even know how I came up with these images because I didn't know what sex was but I definitely imagined things that Maybe would make this less of a cute story,

Right?

But all of this points to is that while there's a you know We can have different opinions on these kinds of situations the delusional crushes these fantasies They point to something that I think is a key stage in male psychology whether it happens at childhood or an adulthood or somewhere in between Which is that of the boyhood wound?

I'll define the boyhood wound as our boyhood wounds as In complete emotional cycles that then if left and complete affect adult behaviors and It's kind of like chicken pox,

Right?

Like it there's almost no way out of it There's no way to avoid it But it's much better to deal with it when you're very young and then you heal from it and then it doesn't affect you ever Again,

Whereas if somehow you go up until adulthood without addressing this wound without this Need being completed it can be deadly.

It can be really bad and You know in this case we're speaking about heartache But it affects I think all of the male needs and in this episode we're going to be speaking about the various kinds of boyhood wounds The incomplete needs that can affect an adult man if not addressed that for love But that also for expression and for power In this episode I'm going to take some of an attachment theory perspective on how These are natural drives natural needs and if they're not addressed when you're young They can at least become a persisting fantasy And if that gets even further It can become a delusion or pathology or some of the weird things and these three drives for love for power for expression They're natural drives.

They're healthy drives,

And it's only when they're not fulfilled.

Do they become wounds which lead to undesired behavior So if you're a man who feels his behavior is affected by some Old woundings or if you're close to a man who's affected in such a way this episode will be useful to you We're going to look at some Maybe extreme versions of these pains.

I'm going to share some embarrassing stories from my own life because Now who better to embarrass them myself?

I'll give some other examples of other people I know as well and with the goal of finding ways to heal these wounds so that they don't affect our behavior in these important areas of love power and expression This is episode 151 boyhood wounds One of my favorite movies and the last movie I've seen in theaters and actually saw it twice it's the only movie I've seen in theaters in the last many years is the Joker movie with Joaquin Phoenix and I love it so much because other than being kind of a psycho thriller which is my Or a psychologically deep movie which is my thing it really displays What we're talking about here boyhood woods because if you haven't seen the movie sorry there's some spoilers basically the premise though is that the man who eventually becomes the Joker is Essentially in an incel who is enmeshed by his mother.

He's shit on by society and Perhaps is mentally unbalanced as well,

But I actually think you know such men exist even without you know chemical imbalances of their brain or those imbalances occur because of Lifestyle factors,

But one thing that I think they did so well in humanizing this type of man of which of course There's so many of them in society especially nowadays Is that they showed his innocence because he does he becomes eventually,

You know the Joker a violent criminal He's also a stalker which of course is a very taboo and not accepted role We can say or activity in society,

But they they humanize him so well in showing his innocence and how?

He really is acting through incomplete parts of his childhood,

And they show this through his recurring fantasies One the one that's most uncomfortable and relates to the story that I opened with is that he develops this delusional Actually he goes into this whole fantasy relationship with his neighbor Who barely even knows who he is right and you see all these scenes where you know they're not they're not sexual fantasies They're not you know aggressive fantasies They're they're really innocent like he has this whole relationship in his head with his female neighbor who doesn't know who he is Where they're kind of you know just going to the diner for a date or she comes to his comedy show And he makes her laugh and they're very innocent fantasies But there are delusion right it all happens in his head and there's a moment towards later in the movie where he gets confused between his fantasies and reality and walks into her apartment and Obviously she gets upset But another fantasy has which I think is very common for a lot of people is the fantasy of expression That was the fantasy of love of course the fantasy of expression is where?

You know he often watches the tonight show or their version of the tonight show in the movie where the host is played by Robert De Niro and the Joker imagines being on the couch and being interviewed and A lot of people have this fantasy raise your hand if you've imagined being interviewed by some talk show host or something or actually and I've mentioned this a few times on the podcast a Lot of guys I speak to when they share what they think about is they imagine talking to Joe Rogan in their heads And I'm one of these people and I'm gonna speak more about that later in the episode that that embarrassing thing Where obviously it's some desire We can say desire for fame,

But the wound I would say is a desire to be heard right all of these things come from a feeling of lack Someone who's listened to as much as they want or someone who has as much love in their life as they want is Probably not gonna have these have the corresponding fantasy and the final one the final fantasy has is that of power Right he imagines you know because in real life He's basically bullied by everyone by his co-workers by even kids on the street to bully him even though he's an adult man And he has fantasies of basically Standing up to bullies and killing them right he has one kind of sick innocent fantasy where he imagines himself Dancing and he's holding a pistol that he just got a real pistol that he just got and he imagined someone being mean to Him and he shoots them right and then he eventually ends up killing people in real life That's kind of how that devolves,

But the movie really displays How all of these fantasies and eventually delusions and into into deeper pathology?

Come from lack right here's a guy who lacks love lacks power lacks expression so the first Order of maybe his like psychological defense or as you know his psychological immune system if you will Fills in some fantasies to balance things out as a bit of a Jungian perspective in that the things we persistently fantasize about are almost like balancing devices to give us hope when reality is showing a lot of lack and as we mentioned Love power and expression are natural and healthy desires at least in the sense if you want to reduce its biology These are things that lead to survival and replication so our genes have evolved in such a way that they give us these desires Right love being an obvious emotional proxy for being passing on your genes if you are loved by many women Intensely chances are you have many opportunities to spread your seed if you will The fantasy of power or the feeling of power as a proxy for status status meaning you're probably gonna survive better in the group Your children will survive better of course also important to spreading of genes and expression to Expression might seem is more of a human thing The expression is certainly tied to status and mattering especially to know that other people are receiving your feelings and thoughts Which is what expression is is again a survival thing.

It's like proof that you're part You're connected to a community it is one of the things that makes cults so enticing or any sort of groups I mean tribalism comes in all sorts of ways and this is there's a reason why right if we're really bonded In a tribe with a common culture or lingo It gives us a feeling of safety down to like very primal parts of our of our consciousness or nervous system So when these desires or these genetic needs or genetic drives aren't met You know it's I mean it's just like you know a starving for a certain nutrients our body goes a little crazy or our Our psyche goes a little crazy.

It's like okay.

We need we need this thing right and when it's not still not being met the best thing that our unconscious can do for us is provide us with a fantasy to make us obsessed and Here's where I think you know everything we've said so far applies to both men and women right if a woman is really Longing for love or partnership.

She might fantasize about that.

That's what the entire the entire romance novel industry is about Actually a bit of an aside I I bought my Kindle that I I read from from a woman who?

Previously all she read on her Kindle was romance novels And you know she cleaned it.

You know she deleted everything,

But she had the Kindle Where it still run ads I think you save like 20 bucks if you have it with running ads so For the longest time while I've had this Kindle It showed me ads of romance novels and I could turn it off But I I was just curious I was I mean I was curious to see how books were promoted But also I mean I specifically get romance novel ads I mean it's changed a little bit now because I bought other books But it was so interesting to me because I've never really looked at romance novels And it was interesting to see the covers and the taglines Because you know if there's any lens into what women really want It's basically how these romance novels were were promoted right I?

You know some things were obvious right like?

You know high status doctor former football player falls in love with small-town girl right that seems like okay That's an obvious and kind of innocent Female fantasy let's say,

But then there's some ones where is like a recurring theme I've seen a lot of these where it shows Women or the tagline has something to do with lots of alpha male brothers I never thought about this like why why would women be attracted to sets of brothers who are all Attractive and powerful and stuff,

But then I realized this I mean it's kind of an obvious genetic thing too,

Right It's one thing if a given guy is handsome and confident and powerful and smart But if he has lots of brothers who are also handsome and confident powerful and smart he probably has really good genes Right because all of the you know it's not like you know he got lucky on the genetic dice roll It's like oh all his brothers like that too,

Then our child will our son will definitely have those traits But then there was a couple of these romance novels that came up that it's not that I was surprised in the message But I was surprised at how explicit it was there's one that stood out to me I was called the brutal prince,

And if you're a woman who reads romance novels Maybe you know this already,

But this is this all news to me that there are actual.

There's a whole genre of Romance novels where they're called love to hate or hate to love Romances where there's a lot of conflict between or a lot of hate between the the man and the woman But they end up falling in love like and this this one called the brutal prince It was something like I mean it's called the brutal prince right it was like this guy He was a huge asshole and dangerous and scary,

But then he eventually falls in love with the protagonist and anyways I just thought that was very interesting if especially I say this for men especially anyone who is still not sure if women are really attracted to dominance and darkness and Aggression to it you know controlled aggression He should look at the taglines of some romance novels because it shows what what women especially women who are lacking in that fantasize about But back to men When this desire when these desires are not met they turn to persistent fantasies and when they go long enough You know just like a dog who is starved to a certain point even the friendliest dog can become hostile if it just doesn't get Its food or you know any animal lacking in a nutrient can become warped The psyche which evolved to drive us towards survival replication of our genes if it goes long enough where it's really starved starved of love Specifically love of a woman if you're a straight man Starved of status and power if you're always being shit on by other people or star for expression No one listens to you.

That is where it becomes weird That is where you know like when we look at say some of these incel Manifestos I'm forgetting the name of the kid,

But the one the one of these school shooter mass You know murder suicide kids who wrote the manifesto lived in California I don't really remember But he's obviously seething and resentment at the society in the world because he was an incel and that Drove him to kill a bunch of people.

It's a dark thing It's a dark thought,

But it was also we can say and maybe there's more to it than that It maybe had some other mental issues But I would even argue that some of the mental issues are driven by the fact that these basic survival needs are so starved And whereas you never hear of women doing this Because I think you know the the female nervous system is different their bodies are different minds are different neuro endocrine systems are different Men though are primed for obsession right where we're kind of wired for Having one tracked obsessive mind especially when a need isn't being met which is why you only see these kinds of crimes coming from men and It is for a simple Biological principle that I cover in the prologue of the history of man podcast which is a Bateman's principle sperm is cheap eggs are expensive if you are a male and you are Not receiving love power and expression you're basically getting weeded out of your genes are getting weeded out of existence So even though it's not not rational and it's certainly not pro-social For a male who's really not getting these psychological needs met There's some genetic program in many men that will push them to extreme sometimes sometimes super aggressive antisocial violent Behaviors because there's something in the genetic programs Program saying let's go for broke who cares about everything else who cares about being kind or nice or anything those are higher-order Feelings we need to pass on our genes and obviously when we look at these violent crimes It doesn't really make sense rationally there obviously they're not passing other genes properly But we can imagine it's kind of like kind of like any animal put in a very artificial environment I have told the story before about I I think I have where I Loaded too many fish into a fish tank,

And I just I didn't know what I was doing was my first time having fish These very peaceful fish,

And I had shrimp in there which were bottom feeding shrimp.

There's they normally ate They normally ate algae and stuff.

They were just there to like to scoop up I don't know whatever waste products But I put too many in a small tank and it made them go crazy and the shrimp actually ripped the heads off of the Peaceful fish it's very sick.

I didn't mean to go this dark Thread this early in the in the podcast episode,

But this is what happens and there's something about that I think that male men are more prone to So if we take a step back from the extreme versions of it when a man is having Recurring fantasies,

Let's say just before becoming all-out delusions right just fantasies of power fantasies of being loved Fantasies or or of sex which I think is again related to love right.

It's a lack of female validation These are meant as kind of like this part of the psychological immune system to counterbalance the lack in real life By giving the man hope right because certainly I mean by time it gets into realm of delusion It's gone a little bit too far,

But when it's in the realm of fantasy Where the guy's just thinking about a certain thing all the time?

You know he's thinking about being loved by women that he loves himself.

He's thinking about being respected It just comes up in his mind.

Maybe appears in his dreams It can give him hope right it can it can give a positive healthy image to strive for even if his immediate reality doesn't reflect that And you know again by the time something like let's say the love fantasy develops into something like stalking which obviously is an extreme and It's a perversion and it's gone too far It's not healthy to stalk a woman by any any means if we go a couple degrees before it becomes it goes too far to something like you know just a romantic obsession with someone doesn't like you or What in the the dating or say the pickup world they call one itis when I'm gonna guy is well now the term is simping or guys just like The rationally obsessed with a woman and doing all these things for her even though she obviously doesn't like him Even that I mean that I would also say is not it's not healthy But it's also an attempt of the unconscious to give the man hope right it's because in these cases Like with the story I opened with with my acquaintance being obsessed with my female friend It wasn't that he was really in love with her because he actually never got to know her He didn't really know her and I've had many crushes some of which I'll share in this episode where I was like I had all of these Powerful emotions for this woman that maybe didn't even know me or this you know a lot of these happened when I was younger So a girl who didn't know me in school or something,

But I became like rationally in love with her in love with her It's not that I was in love with her cuz I didn't know her it's that My unconscious needed something to heal the pain or to mitigate the pain of loneliness And it shows a particular woman to be the representation of that It's almost like the unconscious casts a real person to be the object of hope for you Right it's to balance out the pain.

They become an idol in a sense And at the point of oneitis it's already a delusion right like if you're fantasizing or obsessed with someone who clearly doesn't like you It is a delusion But I also want to humanize it a little bit and maybe take the shame away from it in Recognizing that this is a defense mechanism It's a way of preventing you from going to straight-up despair because you take away this experience from most men or if you prove to him its illusion or or maybe she rejects him so hard in real life that You know he there's no doubt which actually think is a good thing it crashes him back to reality But it puts him to a feeling of despair that maybe he was avoiding by casting this woman as the object of his affection and I want to stress this point for anyone who's experienced oneitis or maybe having a current obsession with a woman That's doesn't like him or any guy who's gone through a breakup or gone through going through a divorce I've helped a bunch of guys through these kinds of situations be it some form of oneitis rejection breakup divorce kind of thing and And I'll say and in many of these cases especially where there was a relationship right you know And then they broke up or split up in some way And it seems like you know the guys really missing the good times which makes sense right if you had good times And they're gone you miss them,

And he's really obsessed with the getting this woman back and whatever Besides her not wanting to get back which is one thing in many of those situations It wouldn't even be good for him if they got back together because there's a reason why they broke up right there There's something that was not good even for him.

I was trust this that if you are feeling this way It's not about the woman.

I've seen so many cases like this It's not about the woman the obsession with a particular woman is just a representation of the pain Right it's it's it's your mind Grasping on to a certain character a character that is a real person that you know but still a character in your mind as a representation to counterbalance the pain you're feeling right and you don't need it and I think once a guy who's obsessed with Maybe anything,

But let's just say use this example of women of a specific woman once a guy can really accept and understand It's not about the specific woman.

It's just like kind of a mental trick.

He can become free of it and start to address the wounds This is line in a book by W Somerset mom that always stood out to me I don't be some of the mom writer from the early 20th century.

He wrote a couple books about where the I mean I think they're all autobiographical Autobiographical where a young man is essentially simping for a woman who doesn't like him for a number of years The one that I read was of human bondage Which is like it is it's a type of book you don't see anymore but was popular back then where it basically tells like the entire life story of a man and And similar to great expectations by Charles Dickens like the guy is just obsessed with this woman who is So mean to him and so like,

You know takes advantage of him all of these things right is written from his perspective,

Right?

It's really like you really feel bad for the guy,

But then you start to like be mad at him Like why are you putting yourself through this crap because he like he goes into debt Spending all his money on her when she's obviously just using him and goes off with other guys and stuff like really,

You know hardcore simping to use the modern term but There's a line in the book that he actually repeats this a few times Because obviously the main character gets super depressed at various moments because this woman he loves doesn't love him And and he even goes broke over it and he wrote something that men don't kill themselves over women They might become super depressed if a woman doesn't love him,

But he never kills himself Men kill themselves over money now.

I don't know if this is true.

I'm sure I'm sure there have been cases and in History where men have committed suicide over over a woman Let's say I thought it was interesting because he mentioned it a few times and in the book He only contemplates suicide when he's broke He doesn't contemplate suicide when he has money But simply the woman doesn't like him and I think and I've thought about this a lot because again I don't know if I agree with it I thought it was an interesting way to frame it of like he was almost as a writer as a fictional book,

But he's like Highlighting something that I think does have some truth to it in that Even though in heartbreak his emotions are so are going to into such a deep deep dark place On some level he knows that it's not really the end of the world It's only when he goes broke does he feel like it's the end of the world And I share this only not to say that I necessarily agree with the statement but I think it does highlight something of this idea that Of using a person as a proxy for a real emotional experience So let's now go into where this lack comes from or it's a good way to understand the wounding itself and for this I'll use the model of attachment theory,

Which I think is simple and and useful in this situation for a quick refresher if you're not familiar with attachment theory it's the idea that the way we relate to our primary caregivers as a child affect how we develop romantic and or adult attachments later on in life and If we're lucky we have a secure parents who raises us to be a secure Adult child and this comes from them acting in resonance with us right the parents is the care good is you know is the perimeter setter the child is within the perimeter and a Secure relationship is one where the parent is giving just the right amount of attention not too much not too little in the example in Child development is whether or not the parent is picking the child up at the right moments,

Right?

It's not it's not over coddling the child,

But I'm not ignoring the child when the child really needs something.

I mean this idea of resonance is Is the best term for it,

Right?

In some of the sexuality episodes.

I've brought up the word resonance of like there's like a specific I mean resonance in physics means when the frequencies of things match like if you Run your finger on a wine glass at the frequency of the molecules in the glass It causes the molecules to resonate which causes the wine glass to sing right and this is something I brought up in Episodes on sexuality whereas if you really want to create sensation and intimates in setting you have to have your enough attention on your partner to find the exact Type of resonant touch the speed the pressure The location that allows her body to sing or the both of you to sing together in a sense The same thing with like with parental attachments,

Right but most of us we do not have perfect parents.

No one's really perfect so some level of insecurity is created and When the parent isn't perfectly secure the connection to the child Basically becomes not resonant or off-stroke if you will to use a more sexual term,

Right?

If the parent is there too much because they're you know,

They're the helicopter parent,

You know,

They're over stroking if you will They will likely create avoidance in the child because the child Is trying to get away,

You know,

The child is imprinted if like ah like mom is there too much I need to like get away and I think you know if you had a very even an overbearing mother There's a chance you have some avoidant tendencies right like when someone's Coming to you with love you you might want to back off because that's just what you got used to Taking extra space and it's often that you know If you have an anxious mother who's over mothering you you become avoidance and then if you maintain those behaviors Your avoidance leads to an anxious child and this back-and-forth cycle Continues unless you unless someone in the chain works on security on the flip side though Under stroking can come from you know,

If your parent is avoidant doesn't give you enough attention The child becomes anxious and starts seeking,

You know Overly seeking approval overly seeking connection,

You know Supplicating in status or giving up personal needs in order to get some love from the the outside And if you're not perfectly secure Chances are you you know,

All of us have had moments where we're both of these Insecure styles right avoidance,

You know,

If someone's coming at you too hard you want to pull away it makes sense if someone is Not giving you what you want.

Maybe you start reaching for it,

Right?

And some of the delusions we spoke about specifically around love for you from the guy who's simping.

Let's say is essentially this latter one where Despite the feedback that this is not a source for of love,

Right?

Let's say the woman who just clearly doesn't like the guy or there's no evidence that that she likes him He keeps reaching he's reaching keeps reaching And you know,

You know if you look at some more resentful philosophies like that of the red pill community You know,

They're basically trained in the basically a bunch of anxious guys who are trying to overcome their previous anxious behavior by becoming avoidant Right,

They they they often basically tell to give women less than they give them basically so that you trigger anxiety in the other in the other person Because when we look at things like simping when itis or even you know,

Even stalking delusion all of these things It is they are extreme versions of an anxious man seeking love where it's not going to be given and You know,

Even though I don't I certainly don't agree with the red pill philosophy of creating anxiety in your woman I do understand that especially for a man there are greater benefits in erring on the side of avoidance than of anxiety because No woman wants to be with a man who's anxious because if she needs to take care of you as we've spoken about in the Polarity principle episodes if the woman has to take care of your feelings You cannot be taking care of her feelings which means it's not a good idea for her to get pregnant with your child because you're not gonna Have the strength to take care of her when she's in that vulnerable state of pregnancy Which is why you know while you know No kind of insecurity is beneficial and any kind of insecure relating in a romantic relationship Will lead to some dissatisfaction It is better for a man to err on the side of avoidance because an avoidant man an anxious woman can still have a sexual Sexually satisfying relationship there can still be polarity simply because the avoidance is better suited for the being the perimeter setter Yeah,

An avoidant woman with an anxious man.

I mean it's not gonna make her baby making instincts comfortable That said a lot of these red pill guys who strongly err on the side of avoidance You know they might maintain polarity for a number of years But a lot of these guys end up getting divorced as after a couple years because you know while the woman might be okay You know chasing after him for a lot for from for some time and being anxious No one wants to be anxious forever and a lot of these red pill marriages you see like the guy They seem to be okay for a few years,

But then all of this Resentment that has been built up of this woman basically not having her needs met Comes out all at once at some point,

And then she ends up leaving him and he ends up getting more resentful Etc etc so we want to strive for obviously in any any form of close relationship be to sexual romantic Connection or parental or whatever is to strive for security to strive for what is the resident amount of everything?

Am I giving the right amount of attention not not trying to exceed it too much because that would cause Avoidance the other person not to under give it because that causes resentment or and or anxiety How can we find the exact right amounts?

And it comes to one very simple thing like you don't need to read a bunch of psychology books You don't need to you know read from dating manuals or anything whether be it or any kind of manual be a parenting or?

Relationships like college or anything it simply comes down to attention when I was More in the sexual education space this was the only thing that I ever taught right when it came to how to touch a woman Let's say if you pay close enough attention It'll become clear based on her physical feedback of whether you're using too much pressure or not enough pressure Or she wants to be touched there or not,

Right?

It takes some time to calibrate perhaps to know exactly what a certain feeling means But if you pay enough attention you will get that feedback and then you will get information which you can work with and The same thing is true outside of the bedroom whether it's you know If you're getting kind of this cold and and not good feeling while you're talking Maybe you're talking too much,

Or if you feel like I need to you know I actually need to say something Maybe you're not talking enough and that can this can apply to anything right in one area that I'm trying to Learn how to apply this is that with my baby.

I'm a new father.

It's been so interesting An academic perspective it is not maybe the most loving parenting way to frame it or the most Enchanted way that you know some new parents frame it but from an academic perspective I think it's been so fascinating to me watching her Nervous system essentially develop you know because when she was born she just had that circuit one Survival consciousness where she cried when she wasn't comfortable which was a proxy for her survival needs being met And she was content when not and now you know she's developing other you know She's developing social emotions and at some point.

She'll learn how to speak and all that But just seeing a human being that basically is just the most primitive part of the human nervous system Just the survival thing has been interesting Because you know with crying for instance if I'm waiting for her to cry to Tell me what she needs I've kind of waited too long right the crying you know and of course crying is Not the most pleasant thing to hear and I have noticed that You know my wife is definitely better at tolerating the crying and not like sometimes the baby crying really feels like nails in my ears And you know part of that could be from me not being grounded But I also do think and it is just a just a just a guess That when you're in a more feminine state meaning you probably have more oxytocin flowing in your bloodstream the baby crying is probably just feels more More neutral or maybe even pleasant then then when you're saying like a high testosterone Like focus trying to get things done state at least that's what I've noticed for myself But anyways try to meet the try to meet the need before the cry because and my wife has helped me Recognize the cues that if we really pay attention to her She kind of lets us know what she needs Many minutes before she cries not not always,

But but often right like she'll do certain things It makes certain sounds when she's about to get hungry She'll make certain like she ends up like talking like fast gibberish right before she cries when she's tired So I've been trying to notice these cues and the reason why I'm sharing all of this is that All human beings all adults even though we don't we're not we don't act this simply where we just cry when we're not content and then Smile when I mean so we're not that simple right because we have more complex emotions than babies have than infants have we have You know we have a thinking rational brain that mitigates all our behaviors But deep down inside we still have this baby mechanism.

We still have this very simple survival circuit circuit one according to Timothy Leary's model of things and Even though we don't express like a baby.

It still affects our experience You know one relational example is that actually I mean it helped me Recognize also that like my wife who is under various Physiological stress being the primary caretaker of the baby.

She's Expending a lot of energy breastfeeding and then being with the baby at night and all that stuff something that throws off her mood a lot our physiological things right like just Not having enough calories makes her hangry or obviously not sleeping makes her grumpy and things like that But I've also recognized that if I can in a sense see the infant inside of her see the circuit one aside of her I can see that she does also give cues when she's about to get upset and as the You know as the head of the household as the center of the perimeter of our family It is it is on me to try to recognize these cues and meet the needs before at least a crying which which in her Case is not necessarily literal crying,

But some sort of like Unpleasant emotional expression that if I have it if I pay enough attention I can in many cases prevent Right,

I you know,

Whatever whatever the cue is and I think in a relational setting one of the big challenges for most men is Recognizing that women the their primary form of communication Especially in an intimate relationship is not their words All right,

Like I tease my wife about this all time,

But you know if I ask her how she's doing or how she's feeling And she says I'm fine But but she has like that blank stare in her eyes I'd be a fool to take her words literally not to say that I you know I don't still sometimes fall for that trap But I'd actually just be it just if I thought that her words were the real representation of how she's feeling That's just bad modeling on my end or that that's actually delusional on my end.

Whereas I know to look for different cues Well,

The reasons why I'm sharing all of this is that it's often easier to recognize this about other people Whether it's a baby or your partner or some other person whoever but to recognize it about ourselves Especially in the moments that we feel not good is a little bit more challenging because there's this common idea in personal development of being your own parent of essentially essentially what we're doing in this episode,

Which is filling in all the wounds that Ideally would have been healed or prevented by your your parent when you were a child but you know your parents weren't perfect or whatever the case was they just didn't happen and the best thing you can do for yourself now is to fill in those gaps and and the best thing you can do for anyone you want to be close to be it a romantic partner or women in general or If you have children or if you have employees or colleagues or anything The best thing you can do for anyone you're close to is also heal your wounds right because as we pointed out in the way attachment theory works is if you are Giving your attention if you're in some way relating to someone From an insecure state you're triggering insecurity in them especially if you're in the more dominant role if you're in the in the caretaker role or the if you're the one setting the perimeter and therefore the reality and therefore Directing how the group feels be it a family or a relationship or whatever You're if you know and you know even from a leadership perspective very simply if the leader is insecure The the culture of the group the culture of the team is going to be insecure It's going to pass on to everyone in the group So the best thing you can do is essentially parent yourself and recognize okay?

I have these wounds I need to fill them in I have to you know I have to fill them in with sand so that we can walk over it And one more interesting thing just last thing about my baby,

Which is You know she's had belly problems.

I mean babies have different things that come up You know they have a new body some of the things are just I you know They're figuring it is figuring out how to work itself basically And there was a time where you know period where she was having really intense belly pain And she obviously is new to the world she didn't know why her insides were hurting And you know she was crying in a way that of course very heartbreaking as a parent you want to you want to comfort her And my wife and I were doing our best and there was a moment where I was wondering you know she doesn't really know What's going on?

She just knows she's in pain,

And she's looking up at the two of us And I did wonder like is she gonna associate this pain with us I really like she's somehow being classically conditioned to think that we're causing this pain or something like that then I realized that's not true because We're I mean the pain exists,

But we're also offering her comfort with Sounds and touch and things like that and I could see there was a moment where my daughter was looking up to my wife With tears in her eyes.

I mean yeah,

I mean like real pain I mean as much pain as you know anyway real pain for this infant and I could see that in that moment.

She was Developing extreme attachment to my wife right because my wife was giving the soothing touch And it was like this you know for the baby of course doesn't know anything about the world All she knows is that everything sucks all of a sudden like her insides are hurting But there's this thing outside of her in the shape of her mother Who's giving her comfort and this source of love and I could see in that moment?

She was developing attachment in that moment because actually a fun thing.

I learned about babies is the last thing I'm gonna say about babies is When they're really like the first couple months.

They don't have any sense of Stranger danger right there.

They're actually happy to be held by anyone which is why You know to socialize a baby.

It's good for them to be held by other people so that as you get older You know they they're a little bit more trusting.

They have a more open circuit one if you will But attachment only starts to develop a little bit later in these moments where they realize that the world isn't all nice and Happy and safe,

But there are there are specific sources of safety and love which come initially in the form of parents And this was interesting This is you know even though it's a bit off topic,

But from a brainwashing standpoint.

You know it may be reminded me of The the show homeland where one of the plot lines that one of the main plot lines is that there's an American Marine who gets captured by al-qaeda and put into their like brainwashing prison camp And you know this this guy is put through like intense physical and psychological torture But every so often he gets these moments of comforts From the al-qaeda boss or the guy who you know is brainwashing him,

And you know he gets goes through pain pain pain And then kindness and love pain pain pain kindness and love so of course because of these childhood circuits of learning to Develop attachment for the one source of comfort which is supposed to be our parents when we're an infant But it's still it's still in our brains right doesn't go away.

You know doesn't it doesn't disappear We still have it even though we develop more complex parts of our nervous system and therefore consciousness In a brainwashing setting and this is shown very well in the in the show homeland the guy Develops his extreme and you know son to father attachment for the al-qaeda boss Which is eventually what what has him turn against America,

And you know essentially become a terrorist himself Because of this situation where he was you know his infant circuitry was basically triggered to create attachment,

And I bring all of this up because men especially Are very imprintable during the critical time of puberty and these kinds of particularly persistent boyhood wounds if they're not addressed during or before puberty Sometimes they can be imprinted in such a way that you know basically persist the rest of life unless they're very directly addressed as We spoke about in I think I mostly cover this in the Prometheus rising episode this idea that are What leery would call circuit for consciousness?

Which is where we develop our sense of culture and our sense of social norms It mainly imprints during puberty and one of the reasons why teenagers are known to be rebellious Or you know challenging of authority is that I mean their hormones their bodies are activating in such a way that they are becoming full-fledged adults capable of reproduction and in full autonomy and you know Psychological developments,

But it's also like this special imprinting time Where you know at least to our tribal ancestors our paleolithic ancestors This was a time where the let's say it was for for men at least the boy Would start to take on adult man responsibilities which were very important critical survival roles for the entire group So almost every tribe or every tribe that we can see the records of Had some sort of rite of passage where the men of the tribe would put the boy becoming a man through some sort of Experience that would do a few things for him But essentially imprint him in certain positive ways it would imprint him with confidence to know that he has these great abilities because he can overcome adversity but also imprinted him with attachment to the group and respect for the cultural norms of the group whatever they happen to be Which gives him a sense of belonging but also trains him to use his new powers Given to him by this new surge of testosterone in his body to use his powers for the good of the tribe Without the rite of passage without some imprinting like that He just is like you know he had this hammer and he didn't know what to hit right if he wasn't giving it given specific nails he was go around hitting stuff right and for simple practical reasons for the group one so that the boy the young man uses his power for Pro-social means but also for the individual himself it was very useful to have a clearly imprinted culture not that one culture was necessarily better than the others because many cultural norms are arbitrary but to have a defined culture To have a defined set of values which can become his guiding principles So he doesn't have to think later on about right and wrong or what to do Which is one of the big things lost to us modern people modern men.

We don't have rites of passage We're exposed to all cultures.

Which is beautiful in many ways,

But also leaves kind of this Confusion of like well if I could do anything if all things are good well What do I do and it takes it takes a lot of?

Deep thinking to answer these questions whereas for our paleolithic ancestors Maybe they didn't know a lot of things and maybe they were closed-minded in certain ways But they didn't have to spend all of this energy on figuring out These basic things right this is why this imprinting during Pupils like a gateway opens or our consciousness becomes particularly malleable during this time Which is why again you I mean you see a lot of things specific to adolescence where they you know get caught up in Revolutionary ideas and something which is actually a positive thing right you're expanding and looking for this new You're looking for how you want your adult consciousness to be molded in some way This is also why Music we listen to in high school or during adolescence is the stuff that tends to really stick with us like for me I I mean not that I'd still listen to the music I listen to in high school But it gives me a like a certain feeling of significance if I do let's say listen to the red hot chili peppers Randomly it gives me a feeling of like familiarity and almost like sentimental longing and attachments That I don't get from like the music.

I listen to now right.

It's like a certain kind of Remembrance of perhaps because I had all those hormones surging through me I had all these extreme emotions some some negative ones actually a lot of negative ones Which is actually part of the reason why I don't listen to like I don't listen to Nirvana anymore even though I was obsessed with that as a 15 year old because I have all these negative emotional attachments,

But this is why things from that part of our life are so so greatly imprinting to us and This is actually not even a human experience.

This is something true for males across Various mammal species,

And I've brought this up in another episodes I'm sure about there was an experiment between where they're trying to get goats and sheep to mate with each other And I've gotten this from Chris Ryan.

I you know they did some experiment where they put the male goats with the female sheep and vice versa and They let them they kind of got them to mate through puberty and then they put them back with their own species So you know they put the female sheep back with the male sheep and the goats with the goats the females Were very adaptable the females went actually went back to preferring to meet with their own species,

Which is what was more Genetically viable,

But the males if they learned to mate with a specific if it was a male goat to learn to mate with female sheep through puberty That was all he liked like he became imprinted,

And this is something very peculiar or unique to the to The male we could call it mind,

But it is true for non-human species,

Too There's something about imprinting with with male sexuality But also,

But it's all the specifically the male mind that doesn't seem to be the case with females like females seem to be a little bit more plastic and For a slightly more sad version of that or a more human version I think I think vice did a documentary of this there's probably been a few Where they cover how in certain South American countries or actually?

Guatemala's what stands out the one that I think that's what the one the vice documentary was on where there are communities Where boys have their first sexual experiences of a sheep like human boys and they found these communities where?

You know basically all the men they they grew up having sex with sheep and They actually end up preferring sheep to real women because they just and they actually and it is the the saddest sad part So they actually had some sort of like almost emotional sentimental attachment to the sheep,

Which is very strange,

Right?

It's another thing like you know it's like weird imprinting But then for an even closer to home thing which I've heard from a lot of guys.

You know nowadays porn addiction is Something greatly Negatively affecting the generations they grew up with internet porn Recent generations,

And it's probably gonna keep getting worse as it becomes even more and more available I know and I've met a lot of guys who say something like this where they feel a sentimental attachment to pornography in a way that they don't feel for real women and This is another one of those things.

We're like look at on the surface It seems very sad,

But I think I'll speak for myself Even though I've never been a porn addict.

I definitely you know I definitely watched quite a bit through puberty though before engaging with real women I Can kind of relate to that too?

I mean I can I can kind of feel like some sort of you know if I were kind of bring myself back into my say My virgin consciousness yeah,

There was a sentimental attachment Or maybe if I did see porn that I watched as a 15 year old or younger You know I think I started watching it 12 if I did see any of those images or videos.

I probably would feel this totally irrational kind of shameful attachments to these things that made me feel good during a vulnerable time and I share all of this to really drive home the idea that these kinds of imprints Especially when our mind was particularly plastic which is certainly the case from birth Up until the end of puberty is where we start Becoming a little bit hardened a little bit more elastic Not to say we can't change if you I mean I assume if you're listening you're an adult Who maybe wants to change some some behavioral things?

But it is more difficult right and I bring this up not not to make anyone I certainly don't want to discourage anyone But it's actually to maybe remove the shame from the feeling of man Why do I do such and such like why is it that I always you know I mean to do this by end up doing that There's a lot of like I think The way that most people look at it is like oh you don't have willpower or you're not disciplined enough or you're weak-minded and Maybe those that's an element in many cases that is a factor at least But imprinting these are like it's essentially like you have you literally have a program Programmed into your operating system,

And I'm using the terms right,

But it programmed into you programmed into the computer That is you and it's it can be very challenging to override these programs not to say you can't So in keeping with the theme of some of the heartbreak Simpy stories there's one in particular that I feel particularly bad about Even still because like a lot of my delusional heartbreak stories,

Or you know delusional crush Longing you know they're either You know really young and I can it's been so long and I can look back as an innocent crush Or this is one I had at 15 which was you know a catalyst for growth and therefore net positive There are ones I had later in life that I you know as a young adult Let's say where I was actually in a relationship,

And maybe I felt you know there was like a real heartbreak instead of a delusional one But one that's like kind of in between that I still feel uneasy about is About a year after my 15 year old heartbreak Afterwards you know I became the pain was so acute That I it was it forced me to really make some lifestyle changes right like I I Stopped hanging out with the old group of friends not that they were bad But they it was kind of like you know I needed to get away from my old environment.

I started obsessively lifting weights and reading philosophy,

And and I joined the wrestling team and all these things that were all extremely positive things for me and The following year I ended up in a in class with this Really pretty girl who is a year younger than me So unlike people in my grade who all kind of maybe had a low impression of me She was a total clean slate she knew nothing about me and all she knew that you know I had some friends in class I was on the wrestling team.

I seemed really cool I seemed outwardly confident because I had been really like reading all the social theory books And I was trying really hard.

I still had the wounds inside though and And unlike all of my other crushes where you know I was either Unnoticed or I was getting some sort of indirect rejection or there was like it was you know it was delusional in the sense I was crushing on someone who clearly didn't like me in this situation I had a huge crush on this girl who also had a huge crush on me and in fact you know she was She made it obvious to all everyone who knew both of us that she really liked me and was basically waiting for me to ask her out and For some reason it's everything that I it was everything I could have imagined you know a year prior when I was like this You know getting rejected by this girl in front of the entire school like this was exactly me I could not have imagined a better occurrence to be experiencing the year later especially I mean specifically regarding this particular boyhood wound of mine around love or affection from women from girls but the imprinting in me was so strong of like this of being so used to Pining for someone who didn't like me that for some reason I could not bring myself to ask her out even though She made it so obvious and every day.

You know this went on for months every day She became more and more visibly agitated like like why the hell isn't he asked me out like what's wrong with him,

Right?

You know it became like it became another like embarrassing talk of the town You know went through the wire like why doesn't everyone ask her out so obvious And you know to the you know for the longest time I just didn't understand why it's like is it that my shyness was still not overcome that was a factor of course But there was something I had not addressed the wound yet I had worked on these outer things But this wound this imprint this imprint of it of like it was like even despite the outside world Despite these this this positive evidence that existed my insides were still Recreating what I was used to I was somehow created a situation where I was longing for someone I could not have even though she even though in reality I was I could have and This one if I'm honest it still causes me pain not because I care about this particular person,

But it was just like man exactly what I wanted was there and I couldn't bring myself to have it and I had to share this particular story because I Meet a lot of guys in similar situations Where the thing they want is available and like you know it's with dating stuff.

I've met a lot of guys I've coached a lot of guys who outwardly have everything going on Whatever the outward thing is right they have the cool job or they are good-looking enough They get matches on tinder,

But things just don't go for them for some reason,

And they don't know why often But then when I speak to these guys and we explore stuff very often what comes up is a wound right is an expectation That things have to not be good probably because of imprinting they had in Adolescence or prior things have to not be good They can't have what they want so they it's like almost like they filter reality to find the evidence for what their unconscious Assumes is true,

Which is oh women don't like me,

And there's many there's many you know And I've been focusing on this area of love in this In this episode because that's where I probably have the most charged stories,

But it applies to other things too right to power to Expressing yourself so that people can listen right it's like having this unconscious assumption Or what some would call a limiting belief ends up affecting real reality because you you filter because of these imprints,

So this is one strong argument for Not over prioritizing outward things for the inward things You have to address these boyhood wounds otherwise they will find their way out in some form to sabotage your Reality even if everything seems to be taken care of on the outside especially In moments where things really count right in those you know I call them the critical moments or archetypal moments where you can't Necessarily stop and think you always end up reverting to how your unconscious believes life should be and that's what?

Main reason why my archetype program focuses so much on introspection and addressing these things that are beneath the surface because It's you know when a dating setting.

It's not enough to just work on these outward skills Actually sometimes if you'd really deal with the inside stuff You don't need to worry so much about the outside stuff because you'll more naturally Develop the outward traits or take the outward behaviors that lead to the thing that your self-concept believes should be true So of course the question is now How do you heal the boyhood wound how do you heal the longing of the inner child or however you want to frame it?

And I do have one last Story that starts embarrassing,

But ends with redemption.

I mean I've had many Situations through my life where I had some irrational crush There was one.

It's the last one.

I'll tell is there's one from 12 years old another one of those that you know wasn't particularly significant in You know it was just like all the other ones where I had this crazy crush on a girl in my class Who didn't I mean she knew who I was but didn't we didn't really interact so it was in the realm of delusion Let's say but also driven.

You know as many ones from middle school into high school.

I guess maybe fueled by puberty You know came with a lot of emotional inspiration Even though I barely ever spoke to this girl.

I wrote her poetry at home.

I wrote music for her I became very much like a troubadour's longing or the the night to the medieval night Who would swear his heart to a princess you could never have it had that feeling?

But this one did come with redemption because maybe 12 years later,

So we still had some mutual friends we reconnected and At this point in my life.

I had worked on myself I had Healed definitely aspects of this kind of boyhood wound at least I was more confident Let's say more confident and had feelings of deservingness which I didn't have in previous years and she and I ended up in an intimate experience and It was interesting because aside from You know the obvious pleasure and fun that comes with something like that it came with a lot of emotional charge for me because in the acts All I could think about or largely was on my mind Was the pain I felt when I was 12,

And I was madly in love with her,

Right?

I mean she was I mean back then she was also a girl now She was a grown woman who were barely the same people is basically two different people but with with maybe some overlap of history I mean honestly I wasn't that present because I was just feeling my pain from childhood and You know there was a moment if I'm honest and this is maybe the root of male resentment And again we could point to the red pill community that because I had felt so much pain at that time and I had assigned I I had basically cast her as like the the counterbalance to the pain I was feeling there was an association there and of course it wasn't again It wasn't that she was causing the pain.

It was that I was already lonely and Felt you know I just I didn't feel good.

I wasn't happy and I had you know attached her to those feelings There was some part of me that felt a little bit of contempt for her Not that it was in any way actually her faults at all in fact She gave me hope you know at the time that I was down in some deluded way but I felt I did feel a little bit contempt and there was like a Dominance and selfishness that came into me at first But as I dug a little bit deeper you know as or ice as the feeling passed through me a little bit deeper I Did recognize the obvious truth that anytime you feel?

Great aggression or maybe contempt or Yeah,

Let's just say aggression or resentments.

It is trying to defend a more vulnerable part of you and Of course underneath that was the was the childhood pain this great desire for Connection and love of the female love of a woman or a girl at that time And in that moment I had to acknowledge the fact that even though I had maybe developed You know I did done all this work on myself,

And I changed and my character was different And I was confident with women and at this point.

I still had that boyhood wound I was still carrying that boyhood wound I Shared this with certain close friends who knew me then and knew me now And I did I'd said it in a way less vulnerable way You know talking to talking to my friends more casually It's like I reached out into the past and high-fived my 12 year old self Which is yeah,

It's a little bit of a bro-y way to put it But the truth was I was really feeling my childhood pain And I did get really emotional I didn't really show it which maybe yeah,

We could say I should have or whatever But I didn't I did get really emotional inside Because I you know in recognizing the acute pain I felt back then I did feel like I completed a cycle even though it really had nothing to do with this woman You know in actuality the representation then and now it felt like completing a cycle,

And I felt like I did reach back into the past and This part of myself that I was still carrying this wounded in pain 12 year olds I did feel like I went back to him and said don't worry things get better and It was interesting because I didn't this is this was all like flash things in my mind during an intimate experience So it wasn't like I was sitting down and thinking really deeply or consciously but later on as I was driving home I thought about it more and I and I actually I had this memory now of Being a depressed 12 year old a wounded 12 year old Wishing you know because it's kind of a common fantasy plot idea like wishing that I Myself from the future would come back to the past and tell me what to do Right and I've actually had this fantasy at different times in my life like I wish Future me who has things figure out will come back,

But in a way we can do this right?

Maybe not literally not literally traveling back in time and talking to our past self But if we take the right actions in our presence there will be a point that we can At least address internally the wounded past self and say hey,

Don't worry things get better because Because with this situation you know we I keep telling all these like simping stories or whatever It's not really about the sex.

It's not really about the woman these are drives You know this instinctually driven drives.

You know and neither is porn addiction is really it's not really about sex either It's about addressing these lacks that become wounds and sometimes become delusions that can become deeply embedded in the male psyche So we're going to end this episode with a process it's a simple process as I think all effective solutions are does not mean it's easy a Process for healing the boyhood wound and everything in this episode leading up to this is to provide a basis of understanding Because it's not like you can just check things off on a list right especially when it comes to internal processes It's very easy to skip over.

What's really going on if you if you're just looking at outward things,

So so the first is to recognize One that every fantasy is meaningful I've had a somewhat secret Motive with this episode.

I'm not really secret,

But some other General motive which is to de-stigmatize Delusions to take away the shame especially for for a guy who may be you know delusions,

But really on any unwanted behavior I mean,

That's one of the reasons why I stress the whole understanding of imprints because certainly as we've spoken about shame in many episodes If you feel ashamed about some unwanted behavior,

It's only going to persist and perhaps pervert and become worse Maybe get to the level of delusion if you really shaming yourself Which means you're separating parts of your psyche separating parts of identity.

It's of course never good I've wanted to do I mean even even like these extreme unpleasant male behaviors like stalking like a lot of the things in cells do that may seem misogynistic or hateful or Antisocial or just plain deluded.

I've wanted to at least make it more human because while that is an extreme subsection of people Many men carry the germs of those kinds of behaviors and thoughts in them and they come out in less extreme ways But you know whether it's unwanted behavior and relationships be it anxious or avoidance They often come from the same place.

Maybe always come from the same kinds of woundings And I certainly want to take at least take away the shame from anybody in this situation Whether it's shaming yourself or you know,

Maybe maybe you're a woman listening to this and you've been shaming the man in your life When it would be helpful for both of you to recognize that there's a wound involved so this first step of the process is to recognize this to recognize it and Being that it's a wound being that all of these fantasies and it's extremely difficult to look at your own thoughts and recognize It's a delusion Especially if someone tells you you're deluded there's some part of everyone And some part of our thoughts that want to protect themselves or thoughts even want to protect themselves if you want to personify a thought So when someone says that's a delusional thought it's very easy to try to defend it.

So it's hard So,

I don't know.

I don't know if me painting these things In illuminating this way in a podcast form is this easier because I'm not talking to you directly,

But maybe I am anyways these fantasies these delusions they lead to wounds or they come from wounds rather and Of course,

There's a pain in a wound.

Otherwise,

We wouldn't call it a wound and In recognizing that these drives all have meaning in determining the meaning and pointing to the wound This first piece is to learn how to embrace the pain which means recognizing the hard hard truth Right when I meet a guy who's gone through a breakup recently or hard rejection or a divorce Which not only comes with emotional pains,

But material ones the first thing we have to do is Recognize the hardest harshest truths of the situation Because only then could you have a far a firm solid basis for a new reality to be created one That's more in line with the actual world Because as I mentioned with the chicken pox idea early in this episode These vulnerabilities exist in all of us if you're lucky you'll address the wound early,

Right?

It'll be open and then they'll be closed and healed Soon enough like when we see a guy who doesn't have any of these problems who seems to be just like a a naturally super secure person It's not that he never had the wound It's that he just addressed it so early in life that it never created any lasting imprints like One of my close friends they grew up with who has always seemed super secure with with women with career with you know He just the things that I've had to learn They always have seemed obvious to him at least when it comes to like general life wisdom in fact He doesn't even think about it right isn't put into words because like if I come up with if I came up with a realization In my growth he's like oh,

Yeah,

Well that isn't that obvious and when I look at him It's not that you know maybe had some positive upbringing pieces Positive attributes he's had but I've known him for a long time I've known him since early childhood,

And I can actually look back you know from my perspective and see He got I mean he was bullied really young and he overcame that and he had some heartaches actually You know he was really popular in high school with the ladies this friend of mine But and you know he just seemed to be super at ease in a way that other guys Other guys our ages weren't at ease with women,

But I remember in middle school He had like a really intense I mean he used the term he really simped hard for this girl She kind of publicly rejected him But he recovered very quickly and as far as I can tell he never really was insecure with women again Right it's like he kind of just like he recognized in himself the resilience I spoke about this in a different context with with Mac lethal when he was on the podcast a couple episodes ago like the idea of The father who realizes he's failed at least failed his family so he goes out for a pack of cigarettes never comes back You know it's it's a showing like the guy who thinks he cannot recover like he thinks he lost so he can't recover as Opposed to the guy who's recognized the resilience of like oh,

I mean you know this maybe comes from an imprinting of I Felt the pain,

And then I didn't feel the pain shortly afterwards and therefore I'm not afraid anymore like the whole Wolverine idea of like okay.

I can recover really quickly therefore I don't have to be worried about anything therefore I don't have to have any insecurities and I can really just be myself and that can be loved and respected and expressed with no problem and If you have these adult you know if you made it to adulthood and you have these wounds unfortunately you weren't lucky enough to Have dealt with the chickenpox early enough in life Well the only way to deal with it is to embrace the pain first if you try to numb it out by with comforts with a positive thinking to like just pat yourself on the back or always look at the bright side and Like you know look for a model of reality.

I mean this more than red pill the opposite really pisses me off of like models that teach young men to coddle themselves or to Make excuses for shortcomings and like oh,

You know you're special no matter what like no,

That's not reality That's just not reality and that leads to so much more pain because that's a that's a an incorrect model I thought things work instead you have to recognize okay This girl didn't like you because you're not likable Or you know your wife left you because you you didn't embody certain respectable traits or whatever the case is right Whatever the harsh truth is it has to be addressed first because when you do address it that allows it to become a catalyst for change and Looking at persistent fantasies and Recognizing that it represents a wound underneath you can find ways To complete it right now with a crush on a woman like the one I just mentioned where okay I was lucky enough to have rid to get redemption there where I was able to be intimate with a woman who I had a crush on from childhood and it did I'm not gonna lie it did feel like a very healing moment and If I could if this was more readily available I would say go for it right if I could if I'm honest this maybe sounds crude But if I could sleep with every woman who I ever was heartbroken about I probably would feel a little bit more complete But it's not obviously a healthy pursuit to even try and I could even think that you know The cringe story that I opened with about my acquaintance who's still like deludedly Chasing this woman four years later or pining or you know somehow longing for this woman.

I could only imagine that this is some Attempt of his unconscious to maybe do the same thing even though reality doesn't give any evidence that is possible But it's instead to find a real other way to satisfy the wound and it's important to recognize what the wound actually is because Say the you know I think it's a natural thing for a man with pains or resentment towards women to seek porn or loneliness seeks porn But obviously porn doesn't actually do it right porn Might have the the toppings that the the need is like it seems like it's gonna give connection or it titillates the the pleasure centers that one would associate with sex with women But doesn't actually have any of the nutrients right it's empty calories and ends up feeling shitty You know it doesn't lead to anything and the same goes for you know the maybe the sex addict who's like constantly trying to pick up women and have sex because you know while that maybe is a step in the right direction from porn Still doesn't lead to fulfillment right because again the wound wasn't that you're horny,

Right?

It's never the case right the with a guy longing for women is not that the wound is.

I'm horny I'm not satisfied because actually porn can deal with that right or or prostitutes can deal with that or getting a Rub-and-tug happy ending can deal with that the wound is not that the wound is a lack of love and affection From women right it's that emotional validation Which is tied to our sexual circuitry if like okay when a woman actually loves you she actually wants to have your child,

Right?

That's the that's the deepest rooted part of it In the book that I mentioned by Somerset mom of human bondage The redemption he finally gets is not because he actually does get with the the woman later,

But it's not fulfilling It's it's actually doesn't work for him the redemption.

He actually gets is At the end of the book he gets with a woman who maybe doesn't like send him through emotional roller coasters But she really loves him,

And she's really kind to him and at that moment.

He feels at peace at that moment He's like I I mean there's some recognition of Okay,

This journey is over,

And that's I mean that's where the book ends for an example,

You know again,

I focus on the love need of the three three longings,

But another example of this relevant to this podcast actually kind of a where this Podcast has come from is in addition to my longing for the affection of Of the woman through my life especially young life is I also had a very strong need for Expression as many people do right.

There's the common fantasy of imagining you're being interviewed by talk show hosts I Didn't realize how common it was until somewhat recently,

But I had I've had it from I can remember back to age seven listening to my parents listen to watch Jay Leno in the next room and Because I was so shy I had all these things.

I wanted to say that I didn't say throughout the day I would probably I don't remember my bedtime was probably 830.

I must have stayed up to plus Oh actually no I stayed up for the entirety of the tonight show so I was probably to like midnight or past that Imagining myself talking to Jay Leno,

And it wasn't that he was even saying anything It was just like everything that I wanted to say every idea I had every story I wanted to tell it all came out in my head and this persisted from age seven or maybe earlier Up until I started listening to Joe Rogan a few years ago Maybe five years ago Which actually spurred me to want to make this podcast because at the time I was taking a break from personal development It's after I left one taste driving a cab someone recommended.

I listened to Joe Rogan They thought I listened to I had a lot of I had a lot of downtime And I always found myself listening to Joe Rogan interviews Then I would you know when I didn't have a passenger I'd hit pause and I would end up talking out loud in the car You know you know Joe would say something his guest would say something and I would hit pause and I would say my opinion which is again kind of A sad thing you know here.

I was talking to myself in a car or talking to these two people and in in my head Again,

It's kind of cute for a seven-year-old to do it.

It's kind of sad for an adult to do it I do know that a lot of men do this though right and maybe not all with Joe Rogan But a lot of people I it just makes sense If you feel like you have words to say that people haven't heard it makes sense to have this natural fantasy of saying it to a person that you listen to yourself and And actually you know so that's what started That's what inspired me to start my own podcast and for a while that I was just interviewing people and then after a while I realized I don't actually always get to say what I want to say because I'm interviewing another person It's a two-way conversation.

I can't just blab So that's why I started doing these solo podcasts where I was like oh,

Man.

I have a lot of things I want to share and I can't wait for someone to ask me them.

I should just say them so my one little embarrass my last little embarrassing thing is a lot of It's less now because I have this outlet of expression which is my podcast now But certainly the first many solo episodes I did which started I think in 2019 they actually came about because I was maybe listening to Joe Rogan Or I was just talking to Joe Rogan in my head I was like hey,

I should actually tell this story and share this idea and that and that somehow spurred a Solo podcast which is more of my main thing these days And this is all to say that in this step two if you after you've determined the meaning and embrace the pain and recognize the wound Step two is finding an outlet that could actually satisfy the itch because I don't so much have that fantasy anymore Which to you know talking to Joe Rogan or Jay Leto in my head and I think it's because I have actually found and You know a way to share these ideas say with you,

Right?

And it's a it's a thing that I hope hope is useful to listeners.

I you know it does it has become my career but if I'm really honest a big part of the impetus is Not anything to do with career or ambition is not anything to do with even helping people which I'm if I'm really honest,

Right?

Of course,

I like those two things But it's like there's some part of me that feels like I have to get it out Otherwise,

I'll end up talking to Joe Rogan in my head too much,

Right?

So it's like something I have to do and I think the same idea can apply to a Longing for a woman or women in general or sex or power.

We haven't spoken about power too much I think I'm gonna actually do another episode speaking more specifically on power and expression but as far as this boyhood wound stuff You know the object of your delusion Let's say the object of your fantasy is not the only way to solve the wound right whether it's a woman or like,

You know There's even though I would love to be on Joe Rogan and I think that's within the realm of possibilities It's not about being on Joe Rogan.

Is that that's just what where my mind goes to give me an image to Solve this need that I have resolved this desire coming from my subconscious right of expression and there's other ways to solve that or to to heal that wound or to Allow it to be so that doesn't fester and become and the fantasy doesn't become like some weird thing later and I would imagine,

You know,

I've never gotten to the point of wanting to say stalk a woman or stalk a person but you know,

I would guess that that that kind of extreme behavior is simply what happens when the fantasy Or the wound is left open so long that the fantasy becomes something weirder because the fantasy that itself only comes about when the wound is left open enough open long enough to be a wound rather than just a pain and finally the third part of this process is to do that thing whatever you've figured out or explore Explored as a possible completion of the wound satisfaction of that deep subconscious longing be it love power expression Do it enough till you can genuinely say to your past self the wounded boy in you the wounded child's Don't worry.

It gets better in the future All right,

And that's that's the reason why I shared the redemption story wasn't about sleeping with a woman from my past you know,

Although for for men who have experienced that I Think it can be a very emotional completion,

You know,

Especially someone you've longed for or somebody you felt Less than or felt some sort of wound,

But that's not the point,

Right?

It's about Doing the things now that can allow you to eventually say to your past self.

Don't worry things get better And this is not about you know And if honestly if you're in a point right now Where you don't feel like you can say that to yourself or maybe you're in the depths of the wound right now And you can't say that to yourself.

Just know that in this present moment.

There are still things you can do That in the near future you can say to yourself.

Don't worry things get better and I you know short of Actually getting the object of your fantasy which I mean one thing I forgot to say about that that story even though it was great to have redemption It wasn't you know,

It wasn't like my fantasies I mean that's 12 year old I didn't I didn't have those kinds of fantasies really but you know Things like that have you know come up in my mind.

It's like it's not you know,

It's not really about the you know It's not a it's not fulfilling in the way you would think if I got yes I got this thing that I was coveting it's more like this thing doesn't hurt anymore and Again,

It's not about the object of your fantasy be it a woman or be it a certain kind of status or you know The the power fantasy that I've mentioned that seems to be very common In the modern days men who are not even interested in sports Sometimes who have the the fantasy of being an MMA fighter there's nothing more Archetyping masculine as far as the power dynamic of winning a fight with someone,

You know It's just another thing that I hear for men a lot Usually comes down to not feeling like you're getting enough respect in life Obviously,

It's not about literally becoming an MMA fighter,

Right?

Especially,

You know,

I've heard this from guys who don't even like MMA They still daydream about being an MMA fighter like that that Obviously,

It's not about being an MMA fighter or whatever it is Not to say that those pursuits can't help if they have our real interest But it's about finding the thing that solves the wound right because like other other,

You know power Fantasies that I've had and I've spoken about this in some episodes regarding anger Are like,

You know the fight club fantasy of like being part of being a part of a fight club,

Right?

There's something appealing about that Especially for a man who's not getting out enough aggression or maybe not having enough Brotherhood in his life There's these extreme,

You know,

I don't know I'm sure I've mentioned this before but there's a time where I really genuinely Wanted to join the Hells Angels,

Which is kind of a ridiculous thing Given who I am,

But I don't know I was watching too much Sons of Anarchy and I was really longing for like Being in like a group of men who I respected who did cool badass things and were not subject to the beta cessation of society,

You know Anyways,

Again,

It's not about the fantasy.

It's about satisfying the wound beneath the fantasy and the only way I know the only way to satisfy the wound or the only way to have it go away and to have it not affect your Behavior to basically fix the the negative imprints from whatever whatever emotional time in your life Is to take actions now that solve the need in but beneath and if it's an old wound is gonna take a lot of action Right,

It's gonna take a lot of that And this one last really important point is that when I when I say I want to de-shame these Tendencies or imprints or longings or fantasies or even delusion.

It's not just to be clear It's not that by de-shaming I mean tolerate right could that I mean I think there's a lot of confusion in modern culture where in an attempt to relieve people of shame they Say well,

Everything is okay,

Right?

Like one example would be the body positivity stuff,

Right?

I'm all for body positivity in that like I don't want anyone to feel ashamed of how they look or how they are What that doesn't mean that if you're 50 pounds overweight you can say that you're healthy and you are healthy,

Right?

Like you can love your body.

You can love who you are and you can improve the things that are Things that you shouldn't tolerate or the things that tolerating will not lead to happiness,

Right?

It's in treating it like an ailment which maybe is not a maybe not the most PC thing nowadays But like it is an ailment,

Right?

Like if you if you have a stalking tendency or if you are overly fantasizing about a particular person or a situation you can kind of treat it like oh you have a Fatty liver and there's some lifestyle changes you can make and you should make to heal it,

Right?

It's not it's not a death sentence.

It's not something to be accepted like oh,

Yeah Yeah,

I'm you know,

I just have liver problems,

You know,

You can actually fix that.

Yeah,

I mean with some lifestyle changes It's a problem you can address because it is fixable,

Right?

It's not a wound you have to live with it's not a wound that you have to proclaim or should proclaim is not actually a wound No,

It is a wound.

It is a problem and it's something that you can do something about All of these internal issues these inner game issues these subconscious problems if you will Some people like to ignore them or pretend like they're not there because they are abstract,

Right?

It's not like it's not like scarring in your liver that you could observe So on the one hand some people like to just ignore them But of course,

You know if you've gotten this far if you care to listen to this podcast You probably don't believe that anymore or you don't believe that you recognize that they are things that are important But then some people get trapped into thinking like oh,

Well,

I have this because it's abstract and it's hard to address Like there's nothing I can do about it.

That's not true either,

Right?

Actually,

Maybe more than certain physical ailments these kinds of subconscious problems Definitely can be fixed They can definitely you can address this wound if you pay attention to it and you you take the steps that that will change it right when I when I speak to a guy who Again is going through one of these pains like rejection heartache heartbreak Divorce,

Whatever,

You know,

I've said some version of like,

Okay now is the time to go to war right?

You've experienced this,

You know,

You've experienced this Extreme pain you're experiencing this pain use it This is your great opportunity because actually one of the worst things is The guy who's able to make his life comfortable enough that he can kind of skate by while maintaining the wound There's a high probability that I'll blow up in his face whether it's you know a relational issue or some other self-sabotage or Just as bad.

He goes the rest of his life living a kind of comfortable mediocre existence,

Which is also not I Don't think the way anyone wants to look at look back at their life on their deathbed.

So feel the pain don't know might Find the outlet that would heal the wound and keep hitting it I mean keep keep doing that thing until you can genuinely say to your past self Hey,

Don't worry.

I know it hurts in this moment,

But things get better in the future.

I Hope this episode was useful.

Goodbye

Reviews

I really enjoyed your perspective. It makes sense for both male and female. Traumas that we faced as young people need to be dealt with so they don’t resurface as adults. We tend to forget about what the causes were as we age because we cover them up with newer problems and complicate it all over again. Then there are layers to peel off. This was such a good talk. Thank you. 🙏🏾🌸🙏🏾