123 Why I've Stopped Using 'Vulnerability'

"Vulnerability" is one of the most misused and misunderstood terms. Here's why I've stopped using it, and why using the truth instead is much better for you long-term. It might be difficult in the beginning, but being persistent at it truly brings benefits.

Transcript

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So recently I've stopped using the term vulnerability.

I actually think this word,

Which I used to use a lot,

Is one of those misunderstood and misused words in our common lexicon,

Especially in the world of personal development or anywhere where people try to better themselves and their relationships or their own being.

And specifically,

It's actually damaging,

The way it's commonly used,

Damaging to men or anyone who's trying to embody their masculinity in any situation.

So I'm going to explain why I stopped using this word,

What I use instead.

I do want to say though that I am a big fan of Brene Brown's work and I think the ideas that she brought forward into our culture that have,

Is probably the main reason why this term vulnerability gets thrown around a lot.

I think those are great.

I think it's important to share or be aware of your feelings and there's times where you do need to communicate that.

But specifically for men,

I often see this being used in a way that is basically emotional diarrhea,

Just like puking out stuff.

And this came to mind recently because,

If you follow my stuff,

You know,

I recently started an online men's group,

Mastermind Book Club,

And for many years I've been resistant to this because in a lot of these so-called men's groups that I've attended,

Participated in,

Seen myself,

It's exactly that.

Like there's this idea that vulnerability is this virtue,

It's important to share,

It's,

You know,

Very often they're marketed as these things like,

Oh guys,

I'm going to talk about their real feelings and let's all gather around,

You know,

Whip our dicks out and just dump our emotions.

I'm being a little facetious but like I've been to a lot of these where,

You know,

It's essentially trying to copy what I think actually is useful for most women,

Which are these emotional sharing circles where,

You know,

I'm not going to speak to the female experience but it does seem to be very useful for women or feminine people to like get all their emotions out and hear all their women's emotions and have that experience and I don't know it myself but it seems to be useful.

What I will speak on,

What I do feel like I can be an authority on is the male experience and when I see men try to emulate this or,

You know,

And perhaps one of the reasons why a lot of these men's groups try to copy what women have been doing throughout history,

Just like dumping their feelings out,

Is perhaps because as this idea of vulnerability has become popular or understood as useful,

Women have been doing this way longer so it makes sense to copy that.

What I end up seeing is that you have these guys showing up to this group every week,

Dumping their feelings,

Not being accountable,

Not giving themselves an opportunity to grow and take on more responsibility and move through those feelings but instead just like shotgun spray them out and I actually see guys go backwards when they do this and not actually develop any sort of strength or useful virtue when they do this.

So recently starting this men's group online,

I was trying to boil down like what is the difference between useful gatherings of men and these kind of cringy groups where like it ends up making people too soft or like detracting them from their virtues or whatever.

I was like what is this thing?

I wanted to be specific,

Especially in speaking about my group,

Sharing what it's about,

Just also knowing for myself the kind of culture that I wanted to be a part of and I came down to this word vulnerability because this word vulnerability,

Especially the way that Brene Brown has shared about it in such great ways in her books and in TED Talks,

I have nothing to take away from her by the way,

It's the connotation that comes with this word.

Like this word vulnerability implies that if you share what you're feeling,

If you share what's true for you,

There's something bad that could happen,

Right?

That's the word vulnerable,

That's what it means,

Right?

If you're vulnerable,

It means something outside of you,

Whether it's a person or circumstances can harm you and that is the wrong connotation for what we're talking about,

Especially for men who want to better themselves in a group or any social situation.

So because of this connotation,

I have replaced the word vulnerability in my language.

I've replaced it with a different word which is actually a more accurate word and that word is truth because what everyone's trying to get at when they're trying to follow the not bad advice of be vulnerable,

Whether in relationships or socializing or any situation,

What they're actually trying to get to is trying to be truthful,

They're trying to tell the truth and the reason why this distinction is important is like,

As I said,

The connotation around vulnerability is,

The word vulnerable means that there's something outside of you that can harm you,

Which in some situations,

Maybe it's okay.

Maybe if it's your first time,

You know,

Being emotionally exposed,

Getting in touch with your feelings,

No matter what,

It's going to feel scary,

Especially if you've been closed off or if you grew up in an environment where you're always punished for having emotions,

Like,

You know,

Fine.

But that's not where you want to end up.

Where you want to move towards is where you can tell the truth and it actually doesn't feel vulnerable.

It doesn't actually feel like you're going to die or that other people are going to harm you or their judgments are somehow going to make you smaller.

That's the important distinction here because what I see very often,

Especially in the personal development world or just people trying to,

You know,

Follow this advice is what ends up turning into what Robert Glover from No More Mr.

Nice Guy would call a covert contract.

It's like someone's like,

Okay,

I read somewhere or I heard somewhere that vulnerability is important,

Vulnerability is this good thing,

So let me dump all my emotions on someone.

Let me confront my parents and dump all my emotions or confront my girlfriend,

Boyfriend or talk to my boss.

I'm just going to dump all these emotions and because I'm being so vulnerable,

You know,

In parentheses you could say because I'm being so pathetic,

They have to be nice to me because essentially the covert contract here is you see people being like,

Oh,

If I dump my emotions,

Then you have to like me or if I show how hard things are for me or if I show how upset I am,

Then you like the outside world,

Whether it's a society or the other person or the situation,

You have to make things easier for me.

If you list any of my other stuff,

This is like one of the worst things for the masculine archetype,

Whether it's in men or women or whatever.

It's like one of the worst things for your testosterone driven instincts is to make the game easier and any impulse to make that game easier by being vulnerable or in parentheses we can say pathetic,

It's only going to cause that part of you where your fortitude comes from,

It's going to cause that part of you to atrophy.

You're going to actually feel less of a man,

You're actually going to feel less competent and able to handle life because the connotations of these words are really important.

The word vulnerable implies that other people have an effect on you and especially when we're talking about vulnerability and we're talking about emotional vulnerability,

The implication is that other people's judgments have some way to affect my being,

Right?

That is not a belief that you want to implant into your subconscious and the way most people use the word vulnerability,

That's exactly what they're doing.

I'm being vulnerable,

I am being easily affected by other people's judgments or perceptions or sense of reality.

Whereas the word truth implies here's who I am,

Here is what reality is,

Here's what's true about me,

My positive traits,

My negative traits,

My positive feelings,

My negative feelings,

Actually we're not even going to make a distinction of positive and negative,

We're just going to say this is how things are,

Take it or leave it.

And that message you're sending to your subconscious is actually the opposite,

Instead of being like oh,

All these things outside of me affect my being,

Instead you're saying I'm willing to share what is true for me specifically because nothing outside of me is going to detract from me or it's going to mess me up,

Right?

You're actually practicing the skill of I have an internal locus of control,

Which is a term from positive psychology of like do you inherently believe that you affect your circumstances or things outside of you affect your circumstances?

There's been plenty written and spoken about in the positive psychology world of how people are way happier and way more successful when they have an internal locus of control,

Where they generally believe that they are the person,

They are the source of what affects their reality for the most part.

This is why I use the word truth.

In other words,

Master morality is the worldview where you take full responsibility for your circumstances,

You take full responsibility for what happens to you within you and without of you.

Now the reason why I'm such a proponent of this morality,

This worldview is that not only will it make you the happiest,

Not only is it the best for your mental health and sanity,

Not only is it the only real way to be confident is to really trust that you have the greatest control over your circumstances and well-being,

But also it's also what makes you useful to other people especially if you want to take on the masculine role in a relationship,

On a team,

In a family,

In a society,

You're only useful if you can take responsibility for what's going on around you.

If you can't,

If you think that other people affect your family,

Your circumstances or outside forces have a greater control over your realm,

Whether it's your family,

Your relationship and specifically your own well-being,

If you get to the point where you are assuming or sending to your subconscious this belief that other people or other circumstances have the ability to detract from you or ruin your good time,

Then you definitely are not useful to other people.

Because for someone who really embodies the master archetype,

Telling the truth actually isn't vulnerable.

If someone's really taking full responsibility for their reality which includes how you feel,

If you're really taking full responsibility,

Then you don't have fear of exposure,

Right?

You're the king or queen of your realm of existence,

Right?

You don't have to worry so much about whether people judge you,

Whether people think that you sharing how you feel is weird,

When it's relevant,

Right?

And the cool thing,

The thing that I think is particularly relevant to men is that when you can really embody nobility,

When you take on this world view again that you are the thing that affects your reality the most,

More than outside forces or outside people's judgments or perceptions or decisions,

When you really can take this on,

You actually don't have to share as much as you would think.

You don't have to dump all your feelings out.

This is something that I try to cultivate in my men's group or any group that I'm a part of,

It's for the betterment of the people in it.

It's like,

Especially as men,

You want to practice precision.

It doesn't mean that you withhold your feelings when something's important.

It doesn't mean that you try to pretend things that,

To pretend you're a way that you're not.

That's actually the opposite,

That's actually slave morality,

Which I speak about more in that long form episode.

If you're really taking on nobility,

If you're really taking on master morality and you really know that you don't have to worry about other people's judgment,

Then you can become very precise with exactly what needs to be said or what needs to be shared in a given situation.

This could be positive,

It could be negative.

You as the master,

Someone taking on the master archetype,

Doesn't even worry about putting things into boxes or labels like that.

You share what is important to be shared according to you,

Right?

Because you're the master.

You decide on what needs to be said or not be said and that typically means telling what's true for you or sharing the truth.

Because only someone in the slave archetype or slave morality needs to worry about whether or not they can share what's real for them,

Right?

A master calls the shots in his or her world so he doesn't have to fear any exposure.

The slave on the other hand,

You know,

Might fear punishment or when we speak about this in most situations,

We're talking about other people's judgment,

Right?

We fear judgment from other people because of the slave archetype within us who thinks that on some level if people judge us,

It's going to affect our lives,

Our survival in some negative way.

So don't try to be vulnerable.

Don't try to practice vulnerability.

Instead,

Tell the truth.

Practice telling the truth.

Instead of dumping out everything,

Try to be specific.

What is the thing that needs to be said,

Right?

And this could be positive or negative based on other people's worldview.

It could be something that seems constructive like a compliment.

A lot of people see this as a vulnerable thing to share that you think someone is attractive or give a genuine compliment to someone maybe you're not that close with,

Right?

That's only vulnerable if you're afraid that they're going to somehow think you're weird,

Right?

If you are really in control of your reality,

You can tell an attractive person,

Hey,

I think you're attractive and you have no attachment to whether or not they receive it.

You can tell an acquaintance,

Hey,

I really appreciate this thing about you and you don't have to worry if they think,

Oh,

That's a little weird that this guy I don't really know shared this specific compliment with me.

No,

No,

You can just appreciate people because you're the king or queen or whatever.

You're the lord of your reality.

You can just say what's on your mind.

So this also goes for things that maybe are considered negative,

Right?

Like the master isn't afraid to confront people who are bothering them or doing something that's in some way not cool with them,

Right?

Because the master doesn't fear that person's judgment or fear the judgment of the mob.

If there's something that's not cool with the master because he or she is the lord of his reality,

He can just call it out.

He doesn't let things fester.

He deals with problems immediately because one thing that defines the master archetype is that it doesn't allow any distance between will and action,

Right?

There's no fear of other people.

So if there's something that is felt or needs to be said,

It is said right away.

That is what a king does.

That's what a lord does.

Because if you've ever been truthful in the right way or quote unquote vulnerable in the right way,

You'll notice this emotional reward you get.

It's another phrase that gets thrown around in the personal development world a lot which is being seen.

Everyone wants to be seen,

Right?

And if you've been to like a communication workshop,

They'll try to give you this experience of being seen where yes,

If you have been emotionally closed off or you can't be real with people,

It feels really good when you can start telling the truth,

Your judgments,

Your fears,

Your desires.

When you can say this,

It just feels good.

It's like a primal human experience to be real with other people so you can feel connected.

People call this being seen.

Being seen is such a good feeling because it's you being real in the presence of other people.

It's this very positive signal that it gets sent to your subconscious where it's like,

Oh,

Hey,

I get to be exactly who I am around other people and it's cool,

Right?

It's reinforcing that master archetype within you where you no longer have to be afraid of things on the outside.

And that's why it's such an addictive feeling.

It's actually why historically many people have had this desire to be famous,

To be known and loved by a lot of people.

Nowadays a ton of people are addicted to social media.

Why?

Because they want this experience of being seen.

Social media allows this simulated experience of being seen.

But if you've been on social media a lot,

You may notice that yes,

It feels kind of good to get the likes and the interactions,

Whatever.

But most of the time it ends up really feeling empty because the real experience that everyone's actually chasing,

Experience of being true and being real in the presence of other people.

Why?

Because it reinforces that master archetype.

It reinforces that you are a valid person exactly the way you are.

And to take this to a kind of trippy and perhaps spiritual level,

The more you practice truth in the presence of these supposed negative consequences or threats to your ego or slave archetype,

When you can practice this,

You're actually raising the fidelity of your reality.

You'll notice if you've done something that seemed vulnerable at first,

There's a lot of sensation in it.

Actually,

To tell someone who you have the hots for that you think they're attractive or to confront someone who you've been meaning to confront for a long time,

It makes you feel a certain way.

It makes you feel a certain kind of aliveness.

It almost makes like the colors in your vision become a little brighter and sounds become a little crisper.

It's like someone turns up the resolution on everything.

Why?

Because you're reinforcing a part of you that is the opposite of apathy,

The opposite of dullness,

Of dull mediocrity.

Like you're insisting to yourself,

You're insisting to reality if you want to take it that way.

You're insisting that who you are exactly the way you are deserves to be out and you're going to just put it out there.

And on a perhaps more grounded social personal growth level,

The more you can practice truth with people,

The quicker you come to yourself.

The quicker you come up with solutions to things,

The quicker your creative ideas progress,

The quicker you evolve in your character.

So don't try to be vulnerable.

Instead,

Tell the truth.

Practice telling the specific truth with people you relate with,

With people you don't know,

With people in groups where they deserve to hear your mind.

I hope this distinction was useful for you.

Alright,

See ya.

Reviews

Excellent information!

WOW

Thank you for articulating it this way. This makes a lot of sense, even to me as a women. 👍🏼