Hey you,
Well done for taking some time for you.
When you get what you need,
Everyone benefits,
Truly.
So it can only be a good thing when you take time and reach for support.
I know you're here because you feel trapped in a cycle of needing to make everything alright for other people.
And somehow in doing that you lose yourself because you've abandoned what you needed.
Let's take a look at what happens when your children or loved ones really need you.
Otherwise they're going to be very upset or even get explosive.
What's it like for you when someone needs you?
How does it feel?
How about when someone is upset and you could fix it?
What happened when you were upset as a child?
How did the grown-ups around you respond?
I'm guessing there wasn't an awful lot of space for that.
In fact my bet is that you were taking care of their feelings instead.
Either by being very good so as not to get in trouble or overload them.
Or by taking too much responsibility for things being okay.
What's it like when someone is upset with you?
Take a moment to feel into a memory of someone being cross.
What happens in your body?
Just notice the sensations.
And let's give those sensations some attention.
Notice the urge to rush to fix the problem so that they won't be angry anymore.
What might happen if they stay angry?
Just stay with those yucky sensations for a moment.
I know it's uncomfortable.
And you can let that little one in you who's still trying to make things right know that you've got this and you'll protect them.
You get to say to your kids,
I can't help you with this or give you that sweetheart.
And they get to be upset.
It's okay,
They aren't really upset about the apparent cause anyway.
They're just using this opportunity to let off some steam.
It actually does your child a great service when you give them the opportunity to get really worked up.
Particularly if you can stay close and offer warm listening.
This is how children recover from stress.
You'll say,
Oh love,
You really wanted boobie or pizza or insert current fixation.
I can see you're really upset.
Sorry,
This is hard my love.
And it's genius because you don't have to stretch beyond your capacity and they get to recover a bit from life's bumps and bruises by releasing some tension.
See,
You get what you need and everyone wins.
It might feel intolerable when your child cries or rages.
Take a moment now to feel what happens for you.
Maybe there's a tightness in your body.
You can just put your hand around that.
Who listened to you when you were little?
It's really hard to give what we didn't receive.
Only listen for as long as your nervous system can genuinely hack it.
Then you can give in or fix or distract or just move yourself away and let them know you'll come back.
Your capacity to listen will increase the more you lift out these old feelings that get stirred up for you.
You need someone you can pour this out with.
Look up listening partnerships if you're not already familiar.
And if it's an adult getting angry with you,
You can say,
Hey,
You don't get to lay into me just because you're angry.
Or,
No,
Can't let you talk to me like that.
You don't ever need to doubt your right to be spoken to kindly and reasonably even if you've done something that upsets someone else.
It's different with our kids,
Of course.
They get to be angry with us and have us hold space because we're grown-ups and we can do that.
You're so upset with me right now.
You really wanted it to be like this and I'm stopping you.
I'm just the worst parent to you right now.
So I want you to look out for times when someone kicks off and you can notice the impulse kicking into fixings.
And just watch that impulse for a minute without acting on it.
Be with the discomfort in your body.
Remind that little one that they are safe now.
That you're the responsible adult who is making sure things are safe.
Good stuff.
I hope this helps and at least goes a little way towards breaking that cycle of pleasing and fixing.
You're on the right track.
