Making Friends With Feelings

It takes courage and compassion to see the parts of ourselves that we keep hidden, but through cultivating inclusivity in ourselves, we become better able to develop inclusivity in our external relationships. This talk and guided meditation is for when you need support working with difficult feelings or in times of personal challenge.

Transcript

Hello and welcome.

The following is a guided meditation by Renee Seals,

A somatic movement educator,

Energy worker,

And astrologer.

This meditation is intended to help support your embodied meditation practice.

If in the recording you are prompted to do something that doesn't feel good for your body,

Please adapt and modify to make it work for you.

Please also note that the content of this meditation sometimes explores deep and subtle states and memories,

And sometimes guided visualizations.

You are encouraged to work with discernment as you practice with them.

If any of the guidance Renee offers feels too activating or uncomfortable,

Please listen to your body's knowing and pause the recording until a later time if you wish to return to it.

These guided meditations range anywhere from 20 to 40 minutes and do not require any supplementary equipment to participate.

We hope you enjoy.

Hi everyone,

This is Renee and I'm here today to lead a guided meditation of sorts.

I'm following up on the last meditation I put out called Getting to Know Feelings.

I thought this one should be called Making Friends with Feelings because that's the next step after you get to know someone,

You make friends.

With a very simple Buddhist approach to this idea,

Friendliness is one of the kind of basic approaches that we can take to life in general.

And with friendliness we approach other people,

Other beings,

The world,

And ourselves with an attitude of openness and equanimity.

Equanimity means that if we're in the presence of something that we find frustrating or irritable or irritating,

That we keep ourselves from being reactive,

That we notice that response and that we keep ourselves in check,

We keep ourselves in balance.

And so when we have equanimity in our lives,

We learn to kind of moderate our more childish impulses.

And everyone has them.

So if you're in a situation and you feel like throwing a tantrum,

Don't despair.

You're not alone.

We all have those reactions and feelings probably a lot of the time,

Especially right now.

So we have some examples,

Some really huge orange examples on the world stage of adults who haven't learned to take care of their inner child.

But I wanted to talk today about a practice that I do that basically is an inclusivity practice.

And we are hearing a lot about inclusivity right now.

There's a lot of people talking about the necessity of being inclusive.

And what that means is that everybody gets a voice.

Everybody has a chance to express that there's equity between people.

But it's hard to practice inclusivity with others when we're unable to practice that with ourselves.

So if we commonly have an experience where we shut off parts of ourselves and deny those parts,

We tend to do that with other people.

So there's this age-old axiom that is,

As below so above,

Or as within so without.

And this is kind of the concept of reflection or projection,

That the things that are going on inside are things that we project out into the world.

So if we're feeling negative and mistrusting,

Then we see reasons in the world to feel negative and mistrusting.

And if we're in a state of happiness and trust,

Then we'll pick up on things in the world that encourage our sense of happiness and trust.

So this practice is one that facilitates an inner inclusivity and therefore facilitates the ability to be inclusive with our relationships.

If you haven't listened to the last podcast,

I'd suggest doing that because there's some preliminary information there about just noticing feelings to begin with,

And that's a really good first step.

So this is moving on from that,

When we recognize that there are feelings.

So when you've recognized that there are feelings,

And by feelings right now I'm talking more about the discomfort or uncomfortable feelings,

Feelings where you might feel that you're in a state of childishness,

Of reactivity,

A lot of those feelings are very wretched.

And when we feel them,

We feel wretched.

And I kind of think of the character Gollum from The Hobbit and just that like,

You know,

Subterranean kind of monster-ish,

Wretched being that really is seething and spiteful and this like,

Just cast out,

Bleh.

So when we encounter feelings like that in ourselves,

It can be kind of scary.

It definitely isn't something that is really easy to admit.

But including them and admitting them is the first step to not being controlled by them.

All right,

So let's just start with basic mindfulness today.

And basic mindfulness can look like a lot of things,

But for now I'm going to invite you to keep your eyes open,

Wherever you are,

And take a look around the space that you're in.

And as you're observing this space,

Seeing what you see,

Noticing texture and light and colors,

Deepen your breath and notice your breath at the same time.

And observe how you can observe multiple things.

You can feel the movement of your inhale and exhale.

And you can also notice what you're seeing with your vision.

You might also tune into your hearing,

Your sense of hearing.

And of course you hear my voice and you might also hear more ambient sounds in the room around you.

You might hear sounds outside.

You might hear the air.

So when we practice basic mindfulness,

There's really no going anywhere.

Basic mindfulness is just attuning to where we are right now in the present moment through our senses.

And so you might notice that you're smelling something as you breathe in through your nose.

You might notice how your skin feels or how your body feels.

Just keep your breath.

Keep some of your attention on your breath.

Now as you notice through any of your senses,

Anything that you notice has the potential to trigger a thought.

And our minds work through association.

So you might see something and you might notice that you're feeling something through association.

So you might see something and suddenly remember something and that memory jumps to the future to do and then that jumps to someone else that is dependent upon that doing and then that jumps to blah blah blah blah blah.

So that's how your your monkey mind works.

It jumps from one thing to the next to the next.

That's not a bad thing.

But if we aren't aware then we find ourselves tripping out and not actually being where and when we are.

Our minds go to the past.

They go to the future.

They go into hypothetical situations towards people who probably aren't even around.

And in that way we become distracted.

And that's also the way that these more habitual feelings start to come up and lead from behind as it were.

So we think we're in control,

Right?

The conscious mind thinks that it's in control.

And then some kind of association happens and suddenly this feeling arises and all of a sudden we're thinking that same thought again.

Having that same argument with that same argument with that same person again in our head.

Revisiting whatever it was that happened.

Going in the future.

Telling it like it is,

You know?

So there's all these ways where we get caught up in our habitual frameworks and they're not always bad.

Sometimes they're very pleasant.

But the same thing about them is that they're not what's happening now.

So part of practicing basic mindfulness is giving ourselves an anchor to come back to the present moment.

So when you notice that there's um and I'm gonna I'm gonna actually switch from calling them feelings to calling them characters.

And so a character is it's associated to a feeling and it's often associated to a way of being,

A mode of being that is present in multiple stories.

So I'll give you my own example.

I have a character who is a very wretched character and she feels totally incompetent and like she's always messing things up and nobody likes her and she doesn't have many friends and she feels very insecure.

And this part of me comes up all the time and it could be in response to anything.

It could be the way that someone looks at me or how their tone of voice is.

It could be in response to taking a risk.

Who knows what's going to trigger this character to arise.

So when this character arises what happens is that I go into very familiar thought patterns and the way that I know that that character is up is I become really defensive.

And I'll start having arguments in my head trying to prove that I've done what I said I was going to do.

I did a good job.

You know I'm worth it and I try and prove my point.

And meanwhile my body gets really tense and I'll start to notice a tightening around my diaphragm and a feeling of being walled off,

Like an energetic wall.

I don't feel open.

Now all of this can happen in a split second and it often happens in the presence of another person if I'm feeling insecure with that person.

So what I want to do in that moment is actually bring that character closer.

I don't want to push her away.

I want to bring her closer because just like Gollum,

Just like all the monsters in all of the mythologies,

When they're pushed away and when they're hidden and when they're denied they become stronger.

And they feed on us and they pull innocent children into their lair and they steal our possessions and they are a constant nagging presence.

And just like with all the mythologies,

When we turn to face them and when we bring our compassion to them,

Their power diminishes and their ability to frighten us and to control us greatly decreases.

So what I want to do here is turn towards this character who's feeling really insecure and I want to bring her closer.

So you might imagine this in a different way than I do but how I imagine it first is I try and get a visual.

And so when I look at this person she's really young.

It changes.

Sometimes she's six,

Sometimes she's 12,

Maybe sometimes a little older.

But she's not an adult that's for sure and she feels very threatened and almost like a scared cat or something.

She's got her shackles up,

She's defensive,

She could fight.

So in myself,

In myself that's present now,

In myself that's noticing the light and the texture and my breath,

I'm gonna breathe in a feeling of friendliness.

And I'm gonna feel that friendliness getting bigger and moving towards her.

Now depending on who your character is,

They may respond to different kinds of gestures.

I know for me with this character she very rarely lets me hug her or hold her or pull her in and a lot of times I just need to kind of hang out and feel friendly towards her.

And at some point she'll realize that the argument that she's in is it's not working and it doesn't matter.

So I'll just sit there and I'll breathe in friendliness and she's yelling and she's arguing and maybe she's crying and there's nothing to do except just listen to her.

And then at some point she gets tired and then I can approach and sit next to her and hold her.

And then usually something shifts,

Something changes,

And she starts to feel different.

But I keep her with me.

And I've led a meditation in the past where I talk about bringing everyone to the table.

And so I might imagine that I'm at a big circular table or I'm in a room that's set up in a circle.

And I want to bring all my characters and give them an equal spot at the table.

No one's way down at the end.

We're in a circle.

Everyone's kind of together.

And one by one I bring in all the wretched ones.

And depending on who you are and what's going on and what ages you were when certain parts of yourself started to or needed to be very protective and maybe got a little stuck in that moment,

Your characters might look really different.

And it really helps to imagine them,

To see their form,

To listen to them,

To hear how they sound,

To feel them.

Notice what clothes they're wearing,

The texture of their skin.

Maybe they're not human.

Maybe they're an animal or a shape.

And no matter who it is,

You greet them with friendliness.

And you let them make all the noise.

And you just hold some space and keep inviting them to come to the table.

Keep inviting them to sit down.

Right,

So now we'll have a brief meditation on equanimity and friendliness.

And during that time,

If you have characters that come up,

You may not,

But if you have characters that come up,

I'm going to invite you to use this visualization to bring them in.

And you might need to pause the recording.

You might kind of drift away from my voice.

That's totally fine.

Let this just be an invitation for you to really make this your own practice of inclusivity.

Right,

So go ahead and close your eyes now.

And take some really deep breaths.

And let your whole body relax and let your face and your jaw and your eyeballs relax.

And I want you to start to imagine your breath like the ocean.

So as you inhale,

You can feel and see the tide coming in or a wave rolling in.

And as you exhale,

You can feel or see the wave rolling out.

And as you breathe,

You remember that everything changes.

That sometimes our emotions and feelings are growing,

They're getting more intense.

Sometimes they're peaking,

And other times they're fading or integrating,

And sometimes they're quiet.

And the feelings that we have very rarely go on for that long,

But often we can be in a space of dreading them and avoiding them,

And that really prolongs them.

So as you imagine this wave that you inhale and you exhale,

I want you to imagine that water in itself is just pure feeling.

You're letting it roll in and you're letting it roll out.

Now place yourself on this beach and just keep seeing those waves rolling in and rolling out.

Keep feeling your breath.

And the beach is fairly empty.

In fact,

You're the only one except way off in the distance.

There is someone walking towards you.

Now who this person is is part of you,

And this is some part of you that maybe you haven't seen for a while.

And it's a part of you that is ready to be seen and ready to be integrated.

And as they become clearer,

As you start to make out their shape and their figure,

Just notice how old are they right now.

And notice what they're wearing.

And notice anything that they might have with them.

Now as they start to get closer,

You might feel that they want to take you somewhere,

Or you might feel that they're ready to come to you.

And just listen in to yourself and trust the very first impulse.

And if they want to take you somewhere,

Then allow them to lead you and just go with them.

And if they're ready to come to you,

Then just stay where you are and let them approach.

And feel your breath.

And notice the feeling that you have towards this person,

Towards this character.

And ask them what they want to tell you.

They may or may not be ready to speak.

And maybe instead they want to show you something.

And whatever it is,

However they communicate to you,

Just keep feeling your breath and see if you can just let them be in a kind of container of your friendliness.

And so you might be having different feelings that come up.

There might be sadness,

Love,

You might feel detached.

And all of those are fine and you can notice them,

But your job right now is to just be friendly,

To create space,

To listen,

And to observe.

So you may have already gone on and continued with the conversation,

But if not,

Ask them to tell you something about themselves.

Ask them to tell you how they're feeling.

And whatever it is,

However they answer,

You're just holding friendliness.

And your job right now is to be kind of like an older sibling,

Like a really wonderful older sibling,

That you're like,

Okay that's how you're feeling,

Yep,

Mm-hmm.

And you can just listen,

You can just be present,

And then you might ask them if there's anything that they need.

And if you can hear that answer,

Then you can decide if that's something that you can do or not.

And maybe they need something that doesn't have anything to do with you.

And this whole time I just want you to notice the the fluctuation of identifying and disidentifying,

Of all the feelings that come up towards this character,

The ways that you might want to run away,

To hold on,

To make things better,

To fix.

And just keep coming back to this feeling of friendliness.

And all you need to do is hold space.

All you need to do is listen,

To hear the information,

And if you are able to give them what they need in a state of friendliness,

Then you can do that.

And if you're not,

Then maybe there is something that you can offer wisdom from the place that you are now,

To the place that they were then.

Feel your breath.

And then see this this younger you,

This person who's you from a different time,

And invite them.

If it feels okay for you,

You can invite them to hang out with you a while longer.

And you might tell them,

Hey I'm you.

I'm you from the future and I care about you and I'm interested in you.

And you might want to show them some parts of your life now and show them all the things that you've done.

And invite them to come with you.

Invite them to experience that.

Only if it feels okay.

And they may or may not want to.

And your job is to just be friendly.

So if they don't want to go,

Then and again you can always pause this recording and take as much time as you want to have a conversation,

To go on a journey,

To explore with this person.

But if they want to stay,

Then can you find a way to,

Like a very good friend,

Just embrace them and ask if they need you to come back.

They want you to come back.

And if they do,

Then feel in yourself.

Can you do that?

So you want to know that that you can find your way back.

And if they're ready to come with you,

Then you might feel that it's appropriate to hold their hand or to hold them closer.

Maybe they want to kind of stay a little bit on their own.

And some of you might even feel that you're ready to become the same person and that your younger you is ready to just step in and kind of be absorbed into you now.

And you're going to love them.

And if you're leaving them there,

Then communicate about what your intentions are.

And if you're bringing them with,

Then bring them with.

And then when you're ready,

Just feel your body and stretch out and take a deep breath in and open your eyes if you want.

You can keep them closed also.

So that was a very brief and kind of just a little example of the ways that we can go and retrieve parts of ourselves.

And you know,

We were all little kids once upon a time.

And it's hard to be a kid.

The world is a big place.

And you know,

It's you're still in a magic space when you're a young person.

Things are still magic.

And when stuff happens,

It really makes a deep imprint.

And the stuff that happens and makes a deep imprint may not be anything that you think that is very remarkable now.

It could just be,

You know,

An event that you don't even remember.

But those people that we were then were sensitive.

And if something was too much in a moment,

Then maybe they put up a wall and protected themselves.

And in that protecting themselves and walling off,

There's these parts of ourselves that are all different ages.

And they come up all the time.

So we all the time are,

You know,

Some part of ourself is getting triggered and responding as if it's still six years old.

And it's nothing to be ashamed of.

And it's totally normal.

But it's very healing to gather all of you up again,

To be able to go back and to find the parts of you that maybe were left and,

You know,

Are still in this kind of timeless infinity place where they're responding to some kind of threat.

So I do this kind of practice when I'm feeling sensitive.

And if I'm in a place of,

You know,

Trying to deal with my own reactivity.

And again,

Sometimes these people are characters and they come up and they feel really scary or disgusting or,

You know,

Wretched is the word I keep using,

Because it's just such a great word for how they can feel.

And when you meet those folks,

The wretched ones,

To give them a sense of being acknowledged and being seen and being held is the most effective thing that you can do.

And the parts of ourselves that are constantly reactive and the feelings that we have that are scary and overwhelming and intense,

Those feelings for the most part are coming from places that are freaking out.

And they're freaking out because they're not getting something that they need.

So us as adults now and responsible beings,

We can show up for ourselves.

And that's what this meditation is about,

Is showing up for yourself.

And it is one of the most profound and I would say political choices that we can make,

Especially right now.

We cannot expect or demand that anyone else show up for us in the ways that we deeply,

Deeply need to be shown up for in the core of our hearts,

In these kind of childish and children that are still in us.

No matter what your childhood was,

There were moments when you didn't get the thing that you needed.

And now,

Your spouse,

Your girlfriend or boyfriend,

Your friends,

Your employers,

And all of the people that you interact with in your life,

It's none of their responsibility to show up for that person.

Maybe if you have a therapist,

They can be an ally,

But you're the only one that can really hold those places in you now.

So I find that friendliness is a really great tool and equanimity.

So if a character shows up and they're just,

You know,

Terrifying and horrible,

Don't let yourself get freaked out by yourself.

Just,

You know,

It doesn't matter what that character is saying,

What they're doing.

Your job is to stay in a space of friendliness and calmness and hold them.

It doesn't matter if they want to blow up the whole world.

This is a part of you and if you ignore that part,

If you push it down,

If you shove it away,

It will just,

You know,

Seethe in shame.

And you got to pull that part in and acknowledge its pain,

Acknowledge that it's freaking out,

And be the grown-up.

Be the friend.

All right,

So this wasn't one of the more meditative meditations,

But more talking.

And be really interested to know how these are working for you and if they're useful and also if they kind of bring you to any point where then you have questions or you want to go further if you have a request,

Let me know.

I would love to give you what you want and need.

So thank you for listening and I hope that this serves you with much love.

Until next time.

Reviews

This talk/meditation was very powerful for me, thank you Renee! Will keep coming back to it 💜