44 | Loving-Kindness For Beginners (Introductory Talk + Practice)

Learn + Practice. Learn about Loving-Kindness with an introductory talk (12mins) designed for beginners to get a good understanding about this type of practice, before giving it a go. The 20min Loving-Kindness practice itself offers detailed instructions, provided at regular intervals, to help master the fundamentals of this technique. In this session, Loving-Kindness is directed towards a person or animal you love, then towards yourself, and then finally towards all beings, everywhere.

Transcript

G'day,

My name is Rachel Grace.

Thanks for joining me for this short talk and practice on loving kindness meditation.

Mindfulness meditation is about building the capacity for maintaining our awareness in this moment and accepting this moment just as it is.

A complementary type of meditation practice is called loving kindness.

Both mindfulness and loving kindness meditation are practices that train our attention.

Where mindfulness meditation is about training our attention in a way that boosts our present moment awareness and emotional balance,

Loving kindness practice is about intentionally directing and expanding our attention to specifically cultivate a sense of lovingness and kindness for ourselves and others.

Loving kindness is a practice that can boost our sense of warmth and connection.

Loving kindness practice involves using a technique where we systematically and silently repeat these kinds of phrases to ourselves.

May I be filled with loving kindness.

May I be safe.

May I be well in body and mind.

May I be happy.

May I be at ease.

In loving kindness practice we silently repeat and direct those phrases towards ourselves and then also towards others.

Now for some of you just hearing these words loving kindness and so on you'll be straight in.

You'll be keen right from the get go.

But for some of you you might be thinking oh my goodness what have I strayed into here I'm not that kind of lovey-dovey wishy-washy kind of person.

Or for some of you you might think oh no here we go this sounds like some kind of magical thinking thing where we tell ourselves just because we repeat a few phrases that somehow everyone's going to be happy all of a sudden.

But I want to reassure you that it's none of these things.

So let me clear up straight away what we're talking about and what we're not.

So in Western culture love is often mixed up as is often demonstrated through the song lyrics with strong feelings of passion desire and wanting to have someone to meet our needs.

As is expressed in this classic song lyrics like this one.

You can't hurry love no you'll just have to wait.

Now wait.

Now love love don't come easy but I keep on waiting anticipating for that soft voice to talk to me at night for some tender arms to hold me tight I keep waiting ooh until that day but it ain't easy love ain't easy.

Now I'm not here to dispute the fact that it's nice to have some warm arms holding you tight at night.

But I want to point out that there is another perspective on love less frequently expressed in song lyrics but which is also really important and this type of love is not based on desire and it's not conditional on whether we get our needs met.

This kind of love is bigger than that it's the kind of love that is desireless,

Unconditional and rather than being something we seek it is something that we give.

And so through loving kindness practice we cultivate our capacity to offer love and kindness too.

And when it comes to the kindness piece as the wonderful teacher Sharon Salzberg so astutely points out there can sometimes be a cultural assumption that kindness is like some kind of secondary virtue like it's a consolation prize as if you know if we can't be smart or successful or good-looking then at least we can be kind.

Almost like there's a foolishness or weakness associated with kindness that it's something that gullible or weak people do.

But if you reflect now to remember somebody who's been really kind to you in a genuine way do you think about them with contempt like how stupid they were to be that way for you?

Probably not.

It's much more likely that as you reflect on that person you feel gratitude and even respect for them.

And so in loving kindness practice we're not talking about being weak and glossing over poor behavior or just being nice to get along and we're not talking about magical thinking or about being sentimental.

With loving kindness practice we're talking about a powerful quality that's genuine and wise that takes into account both love and kindness for ourselves as well as others.

It's a powerful positive force that we can generate and offer into the world for the benefit of ourselves and others.

So to be specific loving kindness practice is about consciously choosing to set a kind and loving intention that ourselves and others will be safe,

Healthy and at ease.

So rather than having no clear intention or perhaps negative intention towards ourselves or others we consciously choose to adopt a practice and cultivate a positive intention and good wishes.

This is really helpful for our well-being and for how we relate to others.

We probably all have moments in our lives when we naturally and spontaneously have thoughts and feelings of loving kindness towards others because it's part of our nature to be that way.

But sometimes through the trials and tribulations of life as stress and strain take its toll we can find ourselves kind of armoring up and getting caught in patterns to protect ourselves and that means sometimes we can get emotionally hard or cold,

Judgmental of other people,

Distant,

Harsh or aloof.

And this can have the impact of obscuring this underlying softer quality of loving kindness that is a part of our nature.

So through loving kindness practice we turn this natural underlying,

Albeit sometimes slightly obscured capacity that we all have into a skill that we practice,

Generate and get incredibly strong in.

So through loving kindness practice we connect with our ability to be a source of loving kindness in the world,

To direct intentions of loving kindness freely and unconditionally and this is a gift to ourselves and to the world.

Research shows that when we practice loving kindness we feel happier and healthier.

And for some it's the research or just the idea of loving kindness that gets them into this practice.

For me honestly I just stumbled into this practice in the search to experience less suffering and more happiness.

I was on a 10 day silent meditation retreat many years ago and on the last day this kind of practice was sprung on us out of the blue and as we got underway I thought what on earth is this?

I was worried I was straying into some kind of positive thinking session.

But I was there and I felt obliged to sit through the practice and actually what happened while I followed the instructions repeating the phrases may I be filled with loving kindness for myself and then for others was what happened for me is I didn't feel that at all.

It felt mechanical and it felt really inauthentic.

But that wasn't probably even the worst part.

The worst part was that as I was silently repeating all these phrases may I be filled with loving kindness,

May I be safe,

May I be well and so on it actually brought up for me the exact opposite of those phrases.

It brought up for me how undeserving of love I felt,

How unhappy I was,

How unhealthy I felt and how much I didn't feel at ease at all.

And then this brought up an enormous sense of self-judgment and shame.

When we progressed to the next stage of the practice where it came about directing those same intentions to others silently repeating the phrases to someone who had helped me,

To someone who I loved easily,

Someone I felt kind of neutral about and then to my shock someone who had hurt me,

Who I had a lot of resentment towards,

Then I felt an enormous sense of anger and resentment mixed up with grief.

The next day when we did the loving kindness practice again I didn't feel these strong negative emotions so much.

It was more that I just felt nothing.

It felt terrible to feel nothing.

I felt like something was really wrong with me.

It seemed like this practice asked and expected me to feel loving and kind but as I recited the phrases I felt none of that.

I felt a mixture of cold,

Hard,

Sad,

Angry and ashamed and I finished the practice feeling afraid I was lost as a human being.

But then over time I came to learn that it's actually not about feeling loving kindness in this practice but rather it's about setting loving kindness as an intention and that the intention is enough,

That the intention of loving kindness is the practice.

And I discovered over time that by practicing with these intentions the softness of feeling loving and kind towards myself and others did start to come,

It did start to grow.

But I also found that I couldn't rush it and I couldn't force it.

I had to let it grow at its own pace by simply doing the practice.

So loving kindness is like nurturing a plant.

You can't make it grow faster by yanking it up by the stem.

You just create an environment for it to grow and it will blossom in its own time.

So with loving kindness by reciting the phrases we are setting an intention that creates the conditions in our own heart and mind for the experience of loving kindness to grow over time which it does.

Slowly reaching out,

Often making a connection with those we love easily first before opening up perhaps to ourselves and in time ultimately we realize the capacity to even direct loving kindness to those we find difficult or even those people who have hurt us.

But we don't rush it,

We don't start with the difficult people and we do our best not to judge ourselves as we practice.

We just simply practice understanding that we are cultivating within us a powerful resource that the world sorely needs,

More love and more kindness.

And that in this process we end up giving more love and more kindness to ourselves too.

And so in this way through loving kindness practice we gradually experience a profound sense of connection and care with all beings.

We transform the sense of separateness that is at the root of so much of our suffering and we recognize that we are part of and a source of something that can hold all the joys and all the miseries of this world which is unconditional love.

In this practice we turn lovingness and kindness from a potentially soppy wishy-washy idea into a concrete practice so it can be a powerful tool and a skill that we can use.

And through loving kindness practice we discover,

As Walt Whitman put it,

I am larger and better than I thought.

I did not think I held so much goodness.

So let's do a loving kindness practice together now.

In this introductory loving kindness practice you'll be invited to silently repeat the phrases of loving kindness,

First of all directing these intentions towards a person or animal you love,

Then towards yourself,

And then finally towards all beings everywhere.

So let's begin.

To prepare for this practice I invite you to find a sitting posture where you feel relaxed and comfortable.

And as you settle into this posture I invite you to take a moment to just notice the environment around you,

Noticing the space around you,

Hearing the sounds that are around you,

Just allowing yourself to arrive in the space and the place you're in.

Then I invite you to join me in taking a deep breath in,

Filling the lungs,

And then exhaling gently and slowly,

Releasing all the air from your lungs as you allow your eyes to gently close or,

If you prefer,

Letting your eyes be downcast with a soft gaze towards the floor.

And we'll begin the practice with the ring of a gong.

Just noticing your body breathing,

Noticing how it feels as you breathe in and out in a natural and gentle rhythm,

Allowing your body to relax and your heart to be soft.

And I invite you now to think of and imagine this being that you love a lot,

This person or this animal that you care for.

It could be an adult or a child or a pet.

You might have many beings come to mind or just a few.

Either way that's okay.

For this practice now,

I invite you to choose just one person or pet to focus on that you love dearly and bring them to mind now.

See them in your mind's eye and let yourself feel your natural care for them,

Noticing what that feels like.

And now continuing to keep this being in mind who you care for,

Who you love,

I invite you to recite inwardly the following phrases directed towards their wellbeing.

May you be filled with loving kindness.

May you be safe.

May you be well in body and mind.

May you be happy and at ease.

As you continue to repeat these phrases,

Continue to hold this loved one in loving kindness.

May you be filled with loving kindness.

May you be safe.

May you be well in body and mind.

May you be happy and at ease.

I'm just developing a gentle pacing with these phrases.

There's no need to rush through them.

See if you can really offer them as a gift with each phrase,

Putting your intention behind each phrase as you repeat those.

May you be filled with loving kindness.

May you be safe.

May you be well in body and mind.

May you be at ease.

May you be happy.

Feel free to adjust the phrases if you would like to using whatever wording best supports your heart to open.

Repeating kind intentions over and over again.

Letting the feelings permeate your body and mind.

Repeating those kind intentions as you continue to keep this being in mind.

If your attention wanders or if difficult thoughts or feelings arise,

Just notice those and gently acknowledge them and let go of them in the spirit of kindness.

And begin again repeating these phrases of loving kindness.

Now I invite you to bring these wishes of loving kindness for yourself.

Silently repeating these phrases and directing them towards yourself now.

May I be filled with loving kindness.

May I be safe.

May I be well in body and mind.

May I be happy and at ease.

If you feel comfortable doing so,

You might like to try placing one hand or both your hands on your chest resting them over your heart.

Doing this can support the capacity to gently receive these kind intentions as you continue to recite these phrases directing them towards yourself.

May I be filled with loving kindness.

May I be safe.

May I be well in body and mind.

May I be happy and at ease.

Continuing to recite these phrases silently to yourself.

Reading them over and over,

At first following along with me and then continuing on independently following your own timing and using your own wording if you prefer.

May I be filled with loving kindness.

May I be safe.

May I be well in body and mind.

May I be happy and at ease.

Sometimes feelings of irritation or anger can arise in this practice.

If this happens,

Be patient and kind towards yourself.

Allowing whatever arises to be held in a spirit of friendliness and kindness.

Gently and kindly repeating these phrases with your hands resting gently on your chest.

May I be filled with loving kindness.

May I be safe.

May I be well in body and mind.

May I be happy and at ease.

Either continuing to leave your hands resting on your chest or allowing them to return to their original resting position.

Whatever you're most comfortable with.

I invite you to now expand the intention for wellbeing,

Directing it to all beings.

I invite you to try that practice now.

Reciting these phrases after me.

May we all be filled with loving kindness.

May we all be safe.

May we all be well in body and mind.

May we all be happy and at ease.

May we all be filled with loving kindness.

May we all be safe.

May we all be well in body and mind.

May we all be happy and at ease.

May we all be well in body and mind.

As we start to approach the end of this practice I invite you to place both your hands on your chest and your heart again.

Just feel the warm,

The sense of connection there and let yourself savour this moment of practice just as it is.

Feeling what it feels like to offer these intentions of loving kindness towards yourself and others.

Just allowing your hands to return to their original resting position.

I invite you to join me in taking a deep breath in,

Filling the lungs and then relaxing your body and your mind on a long and gentle exhalation out,

Releasing all the air from the lungs.

I will finish the practice with the ring of a gong.

Allowing your eyes to open,

Gently bringing your attention back up into the environment around you.

Taking a stretch or a drink of water,

Whatever you need.

Just take a moment to notice and savour the impact of this practice on the state of your body and mind.

Notice how you feel as a result of this practice.

Notice its impact on you.

I invite you to also take a moment to appreciate yourself for the dedication that you've just demonstrated to your own wellbeing by doing this practice.

Each time you practice mindfulness and loving kindness meditation,

You're changing your brain for the better and building your capacity to handle life even more skilfully.

May loving kindness positively impact you,

What you do and all of those around you.

Thank you for practicing with me.

I hope you will join me again.

Reviews

Hi Rachel, You are a very good teacher. I find you very authentic and I like that you talk about research or writers to help me engage with meditation. You said a quote that resonated with me greatly about kindness being under valued as an attribute yet we remember deeply those who have been genuinely kind to us as giving us strength. Thank you,
Duncan

Thank you for sharing this practice 🙏💙🙏