Awakening Chukkat: Torah Mussar Mindfulness, 40th Sitting

The Institute for Holiness: Kehilat Mussar's weekly free offering of Awakening Torah Mussar Mindfulness, where we learn the weekly Torah/Hebrew Bible portion/parasha from the lens and practice of Mussar Mindfulness. Mussar Mindfulness is the creation of our Founder & Director, Rabbi Chasya Uriel Steinbauer: the synergy of Mussar in Judaism and the Dharma of Buddhism. Rabbi Chasya leads a short talk and then guides us in a mindfulness meditation practice.

Transcript

Okay,

Wonderful.

Welcome to awakening.

This is our weekly service that we offer here at the Institute for holiness.

Hamakon lakadushah kehilat musar,

The Musar community.

I am Rabbi Hasya Oriel Steinbauer and I'm delighted to have you whether you're joining on zoom or live streaming on our YouTube page or on Facebook or wherever you may be joining.

We have a brief period of question answer comments at the end.

So I ask whoever joins us live to save that for the end.

And the way it generally goes,

If you're new to this,

Is that I move us through a talk after our intentions for the day.

And then we move through a guided meditation practice together.

So I am delighted to say that this week,

Sunday,

July 3 is our 40th sitting together,

Which is amazing.

And this weekly service.

Today we are addressing awakening who cut that is the weekly Torah portion of the Hebrew Bible that we hear in Israel.

Haaretz has actually read lash about just yesterday.

But everyone else who's Laura it's outside of Israel will be studying this Torah portion and reading it on Shabbat morning from synagogues or many of me,

Many a name or wherever they may be in the world,

Studying this Torah portion.

So before we jump in,

We always have our cover note our intention for today's session,

Just like with our spiritual practice of Musar mindfulness,

It's excellent to have an intention.

So you can direct your practice.

So I'm going to briefly share screen with you.

And for those of you joining on audio who can't see this,

I'm going to go ahead and read it.

And you'll be able to hear it also later.

So the first one says,

Before doing acts of caring for the self,

Which we view this act right now,

This time we spend together for about 45 minutes as an act of radical self care.

Because we're engaging in practice,

We're taking time for our sitting practice.

And that is just a wonderful thing to do.

It re energizes us,

It allows us to have wise discernment so that we can take care of the things in the world that we need to.

So we say before doing acts of caring for the self,

This is something I am doing to strengthen my own soul,

In order to be a benefit to others in the future.

And then our second intention,

Our second kavanah,

Before doing anything that before this act that we're going to do for others,

Because we're very other oriented in this practice,

This is something I'm doing to strengthen my relationship to others so that I can be a better conduit of God's good to others when they need me.

And finally,

The last one,

Before doing acts to strengthen your relationship with the divine,

Which we see we're doing right now,

However,

We did,

We define that relationship with the divine or not,

This is something I am doing to strengthen my relationship with the Creator,

So I can be a better conduit of God's good to others when they need me.

So we may we merit right now all of us to bring these kavanah,

These intentions to today's learning to today's sitting,

And our time sharing at the end together.

All right,

I will move into a brief summary before I kind of focus in on one area,

Because as you all know,

If you've ever looked at a weekly Torah portion,

It has so much material in it,

We can't address everything.

So we really want to hone in and look at how can we apply this practice of Muslim mindfulness to a particular area.

So I want to just start off by saying that I have a little bit of a disclaimer,

I need to acknowledge that this parasha,

All of them actually in Bami Bar in the desert,

Are beginning to weigh on me.

And I wonder if you feel the same way,

In the sense that it's really beginning to have this effect on all of us,

All this reactivity,

And cycle of violence that we see happening,

Both among Moshe,

Rebeynu,

The leader and the people and God and the people.

And I just want to acknowledge that because if I'm feeling it,

I have a suspicion that you're probably feeling it too.

So we should go in with that awareness that with this might be feeling heavy,

That we're going to go into hookah,

Feeling heavy,

As we just left Korach.

Alright,

So we answer to the text about the purification from contamination by a corpse by a dead body.

And if you hadn't been following along,

Why is this the case?

Why are we suddenly concerned about being able to purify ourselves?

Well,

There was 4700 people who lost their lives last parasha,

At the end from a plague.

250 people were burnt into ashes,

Three men and all their families were swallowed by the ground.

There are dead bodies around us around our ancestors,

They have to deal with this,

Okay,

This is what we're going into.

And so what purifies them,

It's the ashes of what's called a para aduma,

Okay,

A red heifer,

A red cow,

Something very strange to us today in modern culture,

We don't have this we know,

It's not part of how we practice Judaism or anything is so we look at this fascination,

Then it moves on to the death of Miriam with what we assume to be Moshe,

His sister and her own sister,

And there's no water,

It's tied to her death,

Because she's known for bringing water to the community.

And the people,

Our ancestors begin to complain,

Rightly so right,

They don't have water,

They're thirsty.

And if you notice,

You pay close attention,

God doesn't actually get angry.

When they start complaining about water,

It's one of the first instances in this Torah,

Where God's not getting angry about their complaining.

But who does get angry?

Who does get angry?

Well,

If we look at the text,

It is Moshe Rabbeinu,

It is the leader,

Okay.

And he is commanded to take his staff.

And he's commanded to speak to a rock to cause it to bring forth water.

And instead,

He actually yells at the people,

He says,

Oh,

You rebels.

Okay,

So he's kind of shaming,

Humiliating.

And this is like a really,

This is new kind of more reactive reactionary behavior on the behalf of Moshe.

So first,

We notice the escalation with speech,

Because you rebels,

You know,

We are going to get you water.

And it's the we here,

He's meaning Aharon,

His brother and him are going to provide the water.

It's not God who's going to provide the water.

So for the first time,

Moshe throughout his whole,

Carrying our people through the desert,

It tributes what he's about to give from coming from him.

So we can already see he's clouded by anger,

Rightly so.

Let's try to practice now if we're going to apply Musa mindfulness to this.

Moshe Rabbeinu has just lost his sister.

He's in mourning.

He's upset that the complaints of a lack of water are kind of taking him out of mourning.

He's,

He's really in need of compassion right now.

And he goes to anger.

And that anger,

Like any of us,

We know when we go to anger,

There's a blind spot.

It's like we've lost our wives discernment,

We've lost our wise speech.

And so if we notice it's the anger,

The annoyance,

Then the speech and calling,

Calling the people a name,

You rebels,

Then attributing the the gift of water from him and Aharon.

Okay,

To us as human,

We'd be like,

Okay,

This is it's a mistake.

He's angry.

Have compassion,

Right?

But that is not what happens.

Okay.

God is not forgiving here,

God,

There's no space here in the sense that God hears Moshe attributing that water coming from Aharon and Moshe and that he's then hits the rock two times instead of actually telling,

Telling that this water will come from God front,

You know,

From the rock.

And it's just,

It's a line that's been crossed for God,

Something that I myself don't understand,

And it's hard for me and hurts and maybe you too.

And so we need to be aware of what is going on here again,

Of like,

What would be what we want?

What would be wise speech?

What would be compassion first,

To give people a break to create that space between the match and the fuse in that moment,

To recognize that people are really on edge in that desert.

They've had so much violence,

So much loss,

Then the loss of Miriam,

A personal,

Personal,

Painful loss.

And then the traveling again.

And,

You know,

We even see in our rabbinic tradition,

If you study any of the sources,

There's so much judgment,

Even coming from our own rabbis and from modern commentators today,

There's a lot of like,

In they're annoyed with the people,

They see them as immature,

They see them is taking for granted what God has given.

And really all I see is human beings like myself,

Who are tired,

Who are angry,

Who are thirsty,

And are in need of compassion and need of some space to allow people to make mistakes,

To really sit down and be able to be like,

Okay,

I know that's not what you meant.

So we want to hold that we want to hold that right now,

That rather than judgment,

Which is called Dean in Hebrew,

Okay,

That we have Raghimin that we have compassion,

But this is what we're witnessing in the partial we're witnessing,

Really,

This strong language,

Like God even feeling that they that they failed God,

The language is that you didn't have faith in me,

And that you did not sanctify me,

You didn't cause holiness through me and through my name.

And that's a good rule.

That's a line for God.

Okay.

And despite all this,

If we want to even think of what what what is going on,

Where are they being carried and sustained during this whole desert period,

But particularly this partial of who caught,

We do recognize that water is provided for them.

We do recognize that they're healed later on,

Through a snake sculpture when they are bitten by it.

If you've read through the whole parasha,

They are given victory and one of their first fights first battles later on.

So we keep that in mind,

We try to keep somewhat of a balanced view of what's going on,

Even though we recognize the cycle of reactivity and the cycle of violence that we don't want to perpetuate,

For going to learn something from this parasha,

I asked that today very much so.

So,

Um,

I just want to point out a couple of things from you.

So I want to bring the two rabbinic sources so that you can see how this comes up.

If I can find them,

Sometimes I lose my sources.

So excuse me.

And you have Rambam and Rambam.

I mean,

All the commentators have a comment on this of like,

What is the sin of Moshe?

Why?

What did he do so badly that he,

That he doesn't,

He doesn't get allowed the punishment,

The consequence,

If you want to work it that way,

The karma for Moshe here is he doesn't get to enter the land of Israel,

Of canada,

The modern aid Israel,

He doesn't get to enter what's called the promised land.

And it's feels so harsh to most people.

Most people,

When they read this parasha are just pained that Moshe who helped carry the people and move through the desert within this whole time,

Doesn't even get to enter the land as an old man,

Even step foot.

Okay.

So the rabbis come okay.

With their own discomfort about this,

Right.

And Rambam actually,

He gets attributed to this,

His insight into this,

But it really comes from another source,

Which is he gets this from Rabi,

He comes from kurwan.

And then the 1980 day 1056,

Where he notices his language that he says,

We will draw this water out for from you not that God will okay,

So he has that insight into it.

But Rambam,

They're both coming from about 800 850 years ago from Spain and also Egypt for Rambam.

He always likes to look at the me don't at the character traits of somebody and see where they're imbalanced.

And so for this very much in line with the moose our perspective,

And so he sees that Moshe is angry and acting out on the anger and he's lacking sub lanu he's lacking patience.

And that for a leader,

Especially in Rambam's eyes,

Needs even more patience and less anger than the average human being like myself and others.

So I think it's really this wonderful synergy of both.

And we get that privilege to be able to take what our ancestors said from 800 years ago,

And use it today,

That we could say it's simultaneously the anger that clouded him,

That led to the improper speech and attribution of he was drawing the water.

So we think personally into our own lives,

How many times have we been clouded by anger and reactivity by not practicing patience,

And then really using unwise speech,

Either being mean to others with our speech to ourselves,

Hurting a situation,

Whatever it may be.

And so we want to keep that in mind in our own practice.

And so finally,

The last thing I want to share with you from this partial before we move into practice.

I think that might be Oh,

There is something important I want to share with you.

So in our practice of compassion towards this people,

Towards the reactivity towards Moshe,

Even towards God,

Is this sense that it supposedly they're in the 40th year now,

Like they are at the end of this 40 year journey in the desert,

Even though to us,

We might when did that happen?

I thought we just started it.

And so the people are still complaining about the same things.

And so on one hand,

It should kind of,

I mean,

For me,

It gives me a little bit of that compassionate joy of like,

Oh,

I still complain about the same things 40 years later,

Did like have that compassion and that sense of humor with it to be lighter on ourselves to be less judgmental,

To recognize that this is a sacred safer a book that's been handed down to us that we can actually see our ancestors reacting similarly 40 years later,

And may we merit and our practice that we don't do that 40 years later,

But I can tell you that well,

I'm 48.

So I can't say I'm acting like a 48 year old,

I mean,

An eight year old,

But asked me 1020 years down the line.

But so I want to point out the key thing here is that the language use.

So the people for the first time,

It's actually quite remarkable.

So if you want to follow me,

If you're looking in the homage in the Torah,

You want to come to numbers in bami bar,

And you want to come to him,

Chapter 20.

And verse four,

Okay.

And so it says here,

In the Hebrew,

It says,

Then mama,

Hey,

They them it kahala naheal mean bar has a la moat sham.

Okay,

So it says in the English,

Why have you brought God's congregation,

The Lord's congregation into this wilderness for us to die?

It's the first time they've referred to themselves as God's congregation.

They are now starting to see themselves 40 years later as a people.

That's that's new.

And it's profound.

And that's why we pay very close language,

Close attention to the language.

And I always point out to you how often Moshe mirrors what the other people say or what God says,

But for here for the first time,

We have a disjunction.

There isn't mirroring,

If anything,

We have a total lack of connection motion instead of recognizing that they are the Lord's congregation actually calls them rebels,

As I pointed out,

Right.

And I'm basically to shame and humiliate to actually have like power over right.

And as if to say,

It's almost in the sense that God he's so his bucket is so full Moshe to have compassion him with the death of his sister,

That he can't see he can't see how the people how they're reflecting how they want to be seen and how they see themselves.

And so when there's no connection,

And when somebody can't reflect back to you,

How you want to see yourself and how you're calling yourself and there's no relationship,

You know that that that's when there's pain and you know,

When there's a it's like the final fatigue.

It's like we are being witnesses to this exhaustion.

And that it's actually going to hurt the relationships in the sense that like Moshe won't be entering the land Moses.

And all this trauma,

This intergenerational trauma,

This collective trauma that our people first carried from the institution of slavery in Egypt,

And now through the 40 years of this cycle of violence into,

Unfortunately,

Death and reactivity,

That we have witnessed its wear and tear,

And it even begins to have an effect on us.

And so we have to be mindful of that.

And that's why I think it's so important that instead of running away from these texts in our tradition and our ancestry,

That we actually lean in together as community,

We lean in,

In this practice together,

Take refuge in one another,

In the learning and in the practice so that we can act differently and learn from it.

So right now,

I asked you to move into whatever position you need to be in for the guided meditation practice.

If that's seated for you,

And you're able to go ahead and do so in a chair or if you have a seated Zafu,

If a meditation cushion,

You're welcome to do that.

For those of you with chronic pain or other issues,

Feel free to lie down,

Keep your eyes open so you remain awake and alert.

You're welcome to do a walking meditation if needed,

Whatever you need in this moment.

For those of us who are seated,

I asked you that you put your feet firmly on the ground so you feel rooted and held,

Particularly if you know that you come from any trauma.

That way,

If you're feeling it's too much,

You can open your eyes and connect with the space around you.

Know that you are here in the present moment.

Then we come to an upright position,

Dignified,

Created in the image and likeness of the divine.

And we begin with three deep cleansing breaths.

You're welcome to close your eyes if you feel safe,

Otherwise lower your gaze.

Inhalation.

Exhalation,

We are beginning to come to stillness.

Inhalation,

Becoming awake and alert.

Inhalation,

Allowing yourself to arrive.

And we will begin first just noting what is here,

What is real for us right here and right now.

Do you notice if there are any thoughts in the past that you are reminiscing about that are pulling you away?

Just notice them.

No need for judgment.

This is all done with curiosity and a beginner's mind.

Perhaps you have thoughts that are thinking about something for the future planning.

We can use the art of mental noting and say planning.

I'm just planning right now.

And you bring yourself back to your anchor,

Whether it's the breath or my voice,

To sounds around you,

Allowing yourself to be here in the present moment.

For some of us,

It might be strong sensations in the body that are pulling our attention away.

No need to push it away.

No need to avert,

Deny it or identify with it.

You can even with compassion towards yourself label it as unpleasant or neutral or perhaps pleasant sensations are pulling your attention away.

Just simply give them an inner bow.

Kindly tell them that you'll visit them later.

And finally,

For some of you,

It could be strong emotions.

Whatever it might be,

Give yourself permission to be here,

Right here and right now.

The practice for those of you new to mindfulness meditation and the Vipassana tradition is simply to be here in the present moment.

Follow your anchor.

For me,

It's my breath.

It is also the practice to recognize that your thoughts will go off.

That is what they do.

If they had a job description,

It would say brain,

Mind,

Thoughts running all the time.

And when you wake up to the thoughts that you have gone off,

The practice is,

As my teacher Joseph Goldstein loves to say,

Simply begin again.

Come back to your anchor,

To your safe space.

From time to time,

I will go quiet.

And then I will speak again.

And during that time,

You will practice.

Taking a gentle,

Compassionate inventory now.

When you recall the teaching and even you delving into this Torah portion,

Notice if there's any reactivity.

Notice if there's any desire to push away.

Notice if there's any identification of any voice of,

That's any.

Can we come to a space of non-judgmentalness,

Almost bearing witness to ourselves and to our ancestors,

To the parasha,

In a nurturing way?

What is the text almost screaming out to us to bring to it?

Allow that,

Feel that in your own heart space.

Even asking yourself from the vipassana practice,

Can I be with this?

And if I can,

How can I be with it?

How can I allow for my heart space to open even more?

Okay.

In the next five minutes of silent meditation practice,

Allow for whatever is to come into your heart space.

I will ring the bell when it is time for us to join together again.

And you can even begin in the last minute of practice to ask yourself,

How can I apply this this week?

How can I be more compassionate and less reactive?

How can I act from a place of compassion and not anger?

We move into silence.

Okay.

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