God Help Me! I Want Romance! Part II

Today's episode is Part II of the discussion on finding a romantic relationship. We look at the state of desperation and how it hurts our relationship with God. We look at how to realign ourselves with God and how this helps us find our romantic partner.

Transcript

Hello everybody.

My name is Jamila Perry and welcome to my podcast,

Help My Unbelief.

Now this podcast focuses on looking at Christian principles and applying them to our everyday lives and also looking at the challenges of life for us as Christians.

Now even though this podcast focuses in on Christianity,

The Bible,

What have you,

Of course everyone is welcome to listen and glean from these podcasts,

Whatever you will.

So let's jump into today's topic.

So today's episode is a part two to a podcast I just did dealing with Christianity and romantic relationships.

So either before you start listening to this one or after you're done with this one,

I encourage you to go back and listen to part one.

It's entitled,

God Help Me,

I Want Romance.

Because what we're addressing is a listener's question that involved,

You know,

How do I listen for God?

How do I trust God?

What do I do because I want a relationship,

A romantic relationship,

And I've not had a relationship in X number of years.

What do I do or what am I doing wrong?

So that's the topic that we're addressing in part one and here in part two.

And I just want to take a second to say that if you have a topic or a question that you would like for me to discuss on this podcast,

Please email me at helpmyunbelief19 at gmail dot com.

That's helpmyunbelief19 at gmail dot com.

So,

OK,

Let's jump into today's episode.

So today's episode,

Like I said,

It's part two about the discussion on being a Christian and trying to get into a romantic relationship.

This episode is very specifically going to focus on the state of desperation.

So if you listen to part one,

I give a lot of great information.

But I realize and recognize,

Certainly within myself and within other people,

That all of that sounds great.

But if you've been waiting a certain length of time,

You're moving into a state of desperation where you before you can use that wonderful information,

You've got to kind of get back on track yourself.

So that's what this episode is going to be about,

Dealing with that desperation and finding our way back to God from that state of desperation.

So first,

What makes us vulnerable to desperation to begin with?

A lot of times it's a string of bad relationships and it doesn't even have to be a lot of relationships.

It could just be a series of relationships where you've invested a lot of time and invested your heart and got your heart broken.

So it could be two or three.

It doesn't have to be 10 or 12.

But either way,

A series of bad relationships will make you vulnerable to desperation.

Extended periods of time with no relationships can make you vulnerable to desperation.

Watching other people,

Now this is the worst,

Watching other people pick up and throw away relationships at will.

It's like they have a line of people waiting to date them.

Can we just say we hate seeing that person,

Right?

While we're sitting over here alone and feeling alone and watching some person just have relationship after relationship after relationship,

Just willy-nilly,

Whatever.

So we hate seeing that kind of person and of course the person who ultimately finds their one,

Their great life partner.

We're happy for them but we're also angry with them at the same time.

So all of those situations make us vulnerable to desperation.

We might see ourselves as intelligent or having great character,

Being kind,

Being loving,

But in that state of desperation you start to question whether or not that's enough.

And you may even start to wonder if you possess the characteristics that you think you possess.

And on the flip side,

If you already viewed yourself negatively and already had a lower self-esteem,

Then certainly these experiences with having negative relationships or no relationships at all can further entrench your opinion about yourself.

Now with us as Christians,

Even though we will pray and we say that we trust God with this process,

We'll still find ourselves worried,

Confused,

Uncomfortable,

And even wondering if God has even heard our prayer.

And so as our connection to God starts to get a little shaky,

Because we're not sure if God's listening,

We're not sure about the timing of our prayer,

We even question,

Even though I've encouraged people not to do this,

But we even question,

Am I good enough for the blessing?

Am I worthy enough for the blessing of God?

As you're asking yourself all these questions and you're starting to doubt,

And you start to doubt your connection to God,

You start to doubt God's view of you,

Your connection starts to get a little shaky.

And it's in that shakiness where again you become vulnerable to desperation.

And so what does desperation do?

Well besides having that whole emotional roller coaster,

Desperation also opens the door to alternative paths.

And I'm just trying to talk openly and honestly,

Because as a Christian,

As Christians we get challenged when we're not sure of what's supposed to happen,

What's going to happen,

Especially in something that is important to us,

Like having a romantic partner,

And that is extremely important.

But when we're not sure what God's doing,

And we're not sure that God heard us,

And we're not sure if we're hearing God or what,

And we're making all these mistakes and we're stumbling and fumbling all around,

As we're unsure of what we're doing with God,

We become open to these alternative paths.

Now when I say alternative paths,

I'm not necessarily talking about you totally giving up Christianity or totally giving up your belief in God.

I'm talking about those quote unquote little innocent ways.

Like come on,

How many of us have taken compatibility quizzes?

Come on,

Everybody let's raise your hand.

We've taken those compatibility quizzes now,

Even though we've prayed to God and we've said,

Lord,

I trust you,

I believe in you,

You're going to bring me my right partner.

If enough time goes by,

You're going to be taking those compatibility quizzes.

You're going to be looking at those astrological things.

Okay,

I'm a Gemini.

Okay,

So my best compatibility is with a Leo.

Okay,

Great.

All I have to do is find a Leo,

You know,

Or let me look at my life path number and let me compare it.

Now what's the other life path I should consider?

The one that's best compatible with mine.

Okay,

I just need to find that.

And see the thing with these alternative paths is that they look good because they seem to give you a very specific answer,

Right?

If you're a Gemini,

Find that Leo.

If you're a life path,

Whatever number,

Find the number that's compatible to you.

That's all you got to do.

That's what those paths make you feel like.

Okay,

There's an answer.

There's a direction that I can walk in.

Whereas with God,

Things are a bit more nebulous,

Right?

Because it depends on your level of understanding in your relationship with God and understanding how God is trying to work with you and talk to you.

So God's response to you is not so obvious,

Right?

It's not,

Okay,

I'm praying for a mate and poof,

The perfect mate,

The perfect partner just shows up right in front of me.

Of course,

We would all love for it to happen that way.

We certainly would not be going through all of this desperation and confusion and worry.

We'd just be right where we want to be.

That's what we always want.

But that's just not how it works,

Right?

And so God is not that obvious with us.

And even still,

If you look at those alternative paths,

And I'm just going to be honest,

On my end,

I have put a little stock in those paths sometime and be like,

Oh,

Okay,

All I got to do is find this X,

Y,

And Z person.

But even while God's not being obvious with us,

And even when you are looking at these alternative paths,

If you really look up and look around,

You're no closer to having a relationship.

Or maybe when you've used those alternative methods and you've jumped into a dating situation with someone who supposedly was your best compatibility,

You found out pretty quickly that that is not exactly the case.

So all of that contributes to our desperation for a relationship.

We're not sure what God's doing.

We're picking up,

We're scrounging for any other answer that relieves us of this desperation.

And see,

When we're in this desperate state or we start to really get rooted in our desperation,

Then it's very hard for us to hear God.

Because we are feeling so bad at this point that we are just looking for the quick relief.

We are hoping that God will just see us suffering the way that we're suffering and will just send us a quick relief.

Now,

If you have spent any length of time with God or have had any kind of experience with God,

You know full well that God does not do quick.

Right?

God does process.

God does preparation.

God does growth and development of characteristic before he blesses us with whatever he's going to bless us with.

Because the idea is we need to be able to receive it,

Keep it,

Maintain it,

Work with it.

God is not going to send anything our way that we are not prepared to handle.

So quick,

Fast,

In a hurry kind of relief.

Nope,

Not with God.

You might as well know that.

God is about the process.

I mean,

Think about it.

Did he not liken the kingdom of heaven to seed time and harvest time?

That's a process.

Planting the seed,

Yeah,

Yeah,

Sure you can get that done in a couple of hours.

But the process of the seed growing into the plant and then watching the plant mature into something that is harvestable,

It's a process.

Everything with God is a process.

So what we have to do,

And this is probably the biggest step we have to take,

Is we have to be willing to admit that we're desperate.

That's very hard to do,

Believe it or not.

I don't care how many negative relationships you've had.

I don't care how long you've gone without a relationship.

I don't care how lonely you feel.

Nobody wants to admit that they're desperate.

Why?

Because desperation paints a very ugly picture.

Right?

And depending on how you see yourself,

You do not want to be affiliated with that picture.

I see myself as intelligent.

I see myself as being a good judge of character.

I see myself as wanting the best for myself,

Not welcoming just any old thing into my life.

No,

I'm not desperate.

Yeah.

So first step is admitting that you are desperate.

And in admitting that,

It's not about insulting yourself.

In admitting that you're desperate,

What you are saying is that you are consciously acknowledging that you cannot trust your own perspective in this area.

Now,

In truth,

God teaches us to never trust our own perspective,

And incline not to your own understanding,

Which just simply means that we have to recognize that there are limitations to what we do understand,

But that we do not believe that the totality of an experience is based only on what we understand,

But that there are vastly more possibilities and explanations that we are not aware of,

That we trust God to be aware of.

That's what I mean by not inclining to our own understanding,

That we don't just believe in what we're capable of understanding.

And so in a situation like this,

When you admit that you're desperate,

You are consciously acknowledging that up until this point,

You have only been believing in what you can understand or what you can perceive.

And so now you're acknowledging,

I cannot trust my own perspective,

Because my own perspective has gotten me in trouble every time.

I don't have a way to reason myself out of the situation that I'm in.

I cannot manage this.

My perspective is faulty.

I cannot trust myself in this situation.

So in addition to that admission,

In addition to that acknowledgement,

You're going to be turning yourself over to God.

And so when you're willing to admit that you're desperate,

When you're willing to admit that your perspective is faulty and you can no longer trust it,

You have to turn yourself over to God.

And when you turn yourself over to God,

You have to consciously acknowledge that you're going to go through a process and that you are finally willing to walk that process.

Okay.

So that's why I said admitting the desperation is the biggest step,

Because all of those things come with it.

Admitting it,

Meaning,

Again,

Meaning I can't trust what I'm doing.

I have to lean on God.

And I already know that God's going to take me through a process.

It's not going to be a magic wand situation.

I'm not going to be just poof.

And the thing that I want or the person,

Excuse me,

The person that I want is not just going to magically appear in front of me.

Okay.

So you've acknowledged that you're desperate,

Can't trust what you think,

And you are ready to go with God.

So what's involved in the process?

Okay.

Well,

What's involved in the process is God preparing you for the relationship.

And before you start smiling,

Don't even get excited because it is not a straight line kind of thing.

It's not,

Okay,

You're going to do this X,

Y,

And Z,

This one,

Two,

And three,

And your partner,

Your one,

Will be waiting at the end of this checklist.

That is not how it works with God.

It is not a straight line.

So as I mentioned earlier,

God has to evolve you completely.

He has to evolve you completely to a place where you can handle having this person in your life without falling back to your old habits and your old patterns and maintaining your relationship with God.

God is not going to bless you with any person or anything that is ultimately going to be a competition that's going to compete with your relationship with God.

God will never bless you with anything that competes with your relationship with God.

Okay.

So,

You know,

What's involved in this evolution?

What is involved in this process with God?

I can only talk to you from the perspective of the process that I had to walk through with God.

And so I will try to keep it as general as possible so at the very least you can be looking for these things to happen,

Though I cannot guarantee for you that it's going to happen in this order or in this way.

But I believe that these categories or these steps that I'm going to mention are going to be involved somehow with you,

Depending on where you are with God and where you are in your life.

So we're just going to walk through this process that I know that I had to walk through.

And again,

It is not fast.

It is not comfortable.

It's not exciting at all.

You're facing a lot of things.

You're having to deal with a lot of insecurities.

You're having to address a lot about your relationship with God in this process.

But before I get ahead of myself,

Let's just go ahead and talk about the first step.

So I know in the process that I walked through,

The very first thing I had to do was to re-establish my relationship with God.

That's first and foremost.

You're not going anywhere until your relationship with God is as solid as possible.

Now,

I know you want to say,

I'm already a Christian.

I read my Bible.

I go to church.

I pray.

I meditate.

You know,

I'm living a godly life.

I never left God.

So I don't have to worry about re-establishing my relationship.

Yes.

Well,

I never left God either.

I never left God either.

I never relinquished my relationship with God.

I never relinquished my belief in God.

I still read my Bible.

I still prayed.

I still went to church.

But I started putting more stock in chasing those alternative ideas that I mentioned earlier.

Because I wasn't sure of what God was telling me or showing me or trying to direct where he was trying to direct me.

I wanted the relief.

I put more stock in those alternative paths.

I did the compatibility quizzes.

I looked for that Leo.

I looked for that compatible life path person.

I sure did.

Never found them.

Or the one that I found.

Okay,

We're not going to talk about that.

But either way,

I still believed in God.

I still,

In my mind anyway,

Had every respect for God that I had before I considered these alternative paths.

But the thing is,

Is that God does not force himself on us.

And if we choose to go in a direction that does not include God,

He'll let us go.

And he'll wait until we figure out,

Oops,

I'm going the wrong way.

And then we backtrack and God is still standing there waiting for us.

So as I said,

I was putting more stock in chasing down those alternative ideas and those alternative paths.

I was more interested in doing that for the quick,

Fast answer than I was in studying God's words and trying to get guidance on understanding how God was speaking to me.

So I ended up straying from God,

Even though I didn't see it that way.

I wasn't conscious of it that way.

And so the reason why I'm bringing that up is because you,

In your desperation or in your highly zealous desire to have a romantic relationship,

You might be straying away from God more than what you realize or are willing to admit.

So I'm offering you this information for you to open your eyes and assess where you are with God,

Where you are in your trust in God.

Are you studying and trying to learn better or learn more so that you can understand what God is trying to do with you?

Or are you starting to lean towards these other alternatives?

It's just opportunity for self-assessment.

So I know for me,

I strayed.

I will go ahead and acknowledge it.

I strayed.

I considered other things before I considered God.

Even though I would still say my prayers,

I'd go running to these other alternatives for the quote unquote quick answer that I never got.

So the first thing I had to do was I had to reestablish my relationship with God.

I had to give up those alternative paths.

I had to place myself in a position where God was my only option,

That God would be my only source of information,

That God would be my only guide,

Because again,

I cannot trust my own perspective.

Now,

The second thing that I had to do was I had to reestablish my trust in God.

Now,

I know that that seems like I shouldn't have to emphasize that aspect,

Because after all,

If you're reestablishing your relationship with God,

Doesn't that automatically mean that you're reestablishing your trust in God?

Well,

Not exactly.

Not exactly.

Because again,

Like I said,

I have to relinquish my perspective in order to trust God.

I have to let go of what I think could work in order to trust God.

And letting go of what I think is not as easy,

Letting go of what you think is not as easy as you would expect.

Because in order to get to a state of desperation,

That takes time.

So you are working your perspective muscle a lot,

Trying to resolve the desperation and only creating more desperation for yourself.

So you're working a certain muscle and you're developing a certain muscle memory,

And that muscle memory does not go away very easily.

So even though you're saying,

I trust God,

You still,

The bulk of your more recent actions is based on you pursuing what worked within your perspective.

You working your own muscle,

Your self-centered muscle,

And not working your God-centered muscle.

So when you're reestablishing your trust in God,

It's almost like you need to develop a mantra for yourself that says,

I will not trust in my own perspective.

I will not trust in my own perspective.

And start making God your only option and trusting that whatever God leads you,

It is the right path.

And that takes a minute to reestablish that connection with God,

To reestablish that trust,

And to go against what you've been doing.

So you have to be very conscious of it.

So that transition is going to be a bit bumpy.

It's going to be uncomfortable.

And let me also make you aware of this.

That trust in God is going to be tested right out the gate,

Immediately,

Guaranteed.

As soon as you say,

I'm going to trust God with this,

That temptation is going to land right in front of you.

And I mean,

You're going to have to really resist your well-exercised muscle of just jumping in to the first opportunity that you get.

And that temptation,

It's going to look great.

I mean,

It will come in any form.

It could be a great idea by one of your most trusted best friends.

It could be something you see on TV that just looks really great or some piece of random advice you get from somewhere that's like,

Oh,

Right,

I can apply this.

It could even be in the form of a potential dating partner who just looks absolutely perfect.

And still,

If you say you trust God,

You need to stand still on that.

You need to turn to God and say,

OK,

What's my next move?

Because I cannot trust my own perspective.

This person looks perfect.

They look different from all the other ones that I've messed up with.

But still,

I cannot trust my own perspective.

I'm trusting God.

Now,

The next area that I had to take into consideration was that I have to follow God's lead,

Of course.

That's part of the trust.

I have to follow God's lead in that process.

And it will not start in the romance department.

We have a tendency to compartmentalize our lives.

You know,

We do stuff that's work-related.

We do stuff that's family-related.

We do stuff that's romance-related.

That's not how God works.

So when you're following God's lead,

You might as well go ahead and expect that God is not going to lead you to a person.

That God is not going to build you up in a quote unquote romantic way.

For me,

The first thing I had to do in following God's lead is that he had to get me rooted and grounded in the work that he was going to have me to do.

Because remember,

We're built for more than just having partners.

God has put each of us on the planet to participate in this life in a certain way.

He gives us certain gifts and talents and opportunities that we need to be conscious of and take advantage of.

So we're not just here for finding our partner.

We're here for other reasons.

And so for me,

God had to get me rooted and grounded in the reasons that or the work that he would have me to do while I'm here.

Now,

I'm not talking about my job.

I'm not talking about my career.

I'm talking about the work.

Now,

In my case,

My work is sharing God's Word with everybody and helping them being able to apply God's words in their everyday life.

That's my work.

And I need it to be rooted and grounded in that.

The reason why I say that is because I'm not under any societal obligation to do this.

See,

If you start dating someone,

You're not going to quit your job.

Right?

You're going to follow your job schedule.

It didn't matter how much time you want to spend with this person.

You're not going to quit your job.

Right?

But when it comes to the other aspects of your life that God is trying to move you in,

You won't necessarily have that obligation.

You won't have that external.

That's the word I'm looking for.

You won't have that external obligation that forces you to comply.

So you have to be rooted and grounded in whatever it is that God wants you to do so that whether a partner comes or not or is delayed or whatever,

You're still doing whatever it is that God has for you to do.

You're still following God wherever it is He's trying to lead you regardless of the presence or absence of this partner.

Because we all know what happens when we get that boo and we're happy and we're excited.

What gets abandoned?

Our relationship with God.

That's the first thing to go every time.

It doesn't matter.

We could have committed ourselves to studying our Bible so many times a week.

But as soon as we get that new boo,

We're spending that time with them and we're neglecting God.

We do it every time.

So we have to get rooted and grounded because,

Like I said,

God is not going to bless you with anything or anyone that's going to compete with your relationship with Him.

So you need to get yourself into a position,

Let God lead you so that whoever comes around can be incorporated into your life,

But will not replace God in your life.

Now also,

In getting rooted and grounded in the work that God would have me to do,

I also had to face my insecurities.

Oh yes,

Absolutely.

I have to face my flaws.

I have to face the things that keep popping up for me every time I walk into a relationship situation.

So whether it's messages that I believed about relationships,

Negative messages,

Negative messages that I believed about myself,

Old wounds that maybe have not healed as well as I think that they've healed,

Maybe I'm still holding a grudge from a previous relationship.

I need to face all of those things or I need to let God open my eyes to those things and then work with God to resolve those things.

Now I do want to make a point of saying sometimes,

Even when you've done a lot of work,

Whether you're doing it on your own,

Whether you're working with a therapist or what have you,

Sometimes you don't know what insecurity or what area that has not been healed.

Sometimes you don't know until you start a new relationship.

Because you can only fix so much when you're by yourself,

Right?

But it's not until you get into your next relationship,

It's not until something gets triggered that you realize you still have an unresolved area.

Well,

That's okay.

Because leading up to this relationship,

You will have been working with God,

Establishing your relationship with God,

Taking everything to God.

So then when you become aware of this area that you didn't realize was still an issue,

Where are you going to go with it?

You're going to exercise your new muscle memory.

You're going to take it straight to God.

And you're going to resolve it through God rather than resolving it the old way that you used to do.

I also want to point out to you that the process is slow.

If I didn't say that earlier,

I'm saying it again.

It's slow.

You cannot race through this process with God.

Okay?

You can't come to the resolution of something one time and be like,

Okay,

Okay,

I'm ready.

I'm ready.

You can't rush.

You can't race through it.

You can't trick God into thinking that you're ready.

Let God lead and continue to let Him lead.

Now,

Along the way,

Along this journey with God,

You are going to meet people.

And these people are going to kind of be trial runs for you.

Now,

I know that sounds terrible.

You're not using the other person.

That's not what I'm saying.

What I'm saying is I don't want you to make the mistake of,

You know,

As you're going through this process with God,

You meet this person.

They're really great.

I don't want you to make the mistake of automatically jumping to the conclusion,

Ah,

This is my one.

This is it.

This is it.

This is it.

No,

You just met them five seconds ago.

You don't know.

Okay?

So remember,

You're letting go of that irrational thinking.

You're letting go of that instantaneous thinking.

Okay?

You've met this person.

Great.

Now you're going to do this one day at a time.

You're going to continue building your relationship with God.

You're going to continue letting God lead.

You're going to continue making sure that you're leading your life just the way you were leading it before this other person showed up.

They're not necessarily the one.

And certainly in developing that relationship,

You will have that opportunity to practice and to face any further insecurities that you have,

To practice your new security and your new stability with that person.

And it'll go the way that it goes.

But that person is not necessarily the one.

I just want to point that out so that you don't,

You know,

Leap too quickly and scare the other person.

Just keep moving at the pace that God has you moving.

And when you do get involved with this other person,

As you're walking through and practicing your new way,

Your new God-centered way with them,

This is not,

I do want to point out that this is not about putting up with any kind of behavior from your dating partner just so that you can prove to God that you can handle a relationship.

This is not that.

God does not challenge you like that.

Like God is not going to put you in an abusive situation to see if you'll hold on to that situation no matter what.

No.

If you are dating someone and they're abusive or they're unreasonable with you or they're making you feel uncomfortable,

Get out.

You know,

Take it to God and start putting some distance there between you and that other person.

Because no,

God is,

When God challenges us,

When God places us in what we call adversity,

Which is just a challenge,

It's for our growth.

So if you're having an experience that is actually bringing you down,

It's devolving you,

It's making you smaller,

It is not growing you at all,

Then you need to look at that and you need to adjust and come out of that situation.

Because that's not for you to be proving,

Oh,

I can handle any kind of relationship because I'm ready for a relationship.

No,

No,

No.

Just keep your eyes open to what you're experiencing.

Stay conscious to what you're experiencing.

God will never put you in a situation that's going to take you further and further away from Him or is going to devolve you or bring you lower.

Now,

Out of everything that I've told you,

All these steps that I've told you about walking with God,

Trusting God,

Reestablishing your relationship with God,

Following God's lead,

And recognizing that God's process is slow,

Out of everything that I've said,

Notice I have not said a single thing about how to identify your right person.

Everything I told you was about your relationship with God.

Why is that?

I refer you to Matthew 6 chapter 33 verse,

Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.

So the only thing you are seeking,

The only thing you are pursuing is your relationship with and understanding of God.

You're not looking for the partner.

You seek your relationship with God,

You pursue your relationship with God,

And God will provide your partner.

That's the point that I want to make.

God will provide that partner to you just like He provides everything else to you.

If it's for you,

It's coming to you.

The only thing you have to do is have that relationship with God,

That consistent relationship with God,

And God will add your partner to you.

Okay?

So trust God and stop looking.

Pursue God,

Not boo.

Boo will come,

I promise you.

Pursue God.

So thank you so much for tuning in.

Again,

My name is Jamila Perry and this is the Help My Unbelief podcast.

So if you have any questions or if you have a topic that you'd like for me to discuss,

Then please email me at helpmyunbelief19 at gmail.

Com.

That's helpmyunbelief19 at gmail.

Com.

Thank you again.

Thank you so much for listening and I will see you next episode.

Reviews

WOW, I sure needed to hear this. Thank you so much for the message. Loved listening to you 🙏

Another great podcast! So many wonderful gems in there!