How To Avoid Throwing A Hand Grenade Into Your Relationship.

Are you struggling with healthy communication or any communications? This podcast episode will help you to discover, what healthy communication is and how can you make small changes to improve things between you are your other half. 

We also tackle a question each week, the question discusses lust versus long term in relationships.

Transcript

Welcome to Jordie Lass and Doc Sass.

One day,

A Jordie and a Canadian walk into a bar and decide to start a podcast about relationships and what a topic that is.

No subjects are off limits.

Get in touch today with us at jordielass.

Com or email info at jordielass.

Com and let us know what you think and what we should talk about.

And welcome to the podcast.

How are you this week Anna?

Oh Sarah,

I am just okay.

You're just okay?

But I'm not great.

Oh,

Tell me more what's happening.

Well,

I'm in a lot of pain.

I beat myself up on my paddleboard this week.

So I've sprained the muscles on my left side doing timed trials,

Sprints,

And then I was trying to haul my paddleboard to the river bank this morning and I banged my shin.

So I've got a big old bruise there.

So I'm battered and bruised,

But I'm wonderful spirit.

My spirit is going strong.

Well,

You have been in the wars.

I was wondering why you were lying down and looking quite relaxed and chilled there.

I am in quite a state of repose.

Well,

Thank you for soldiering on and still being here to record the podcast today.

Oh,

Of course.

And I think that I'm in a frame of mind that will lend a little bit of spice and joie de vivre to our recording.

There's something about being reclined and maybe more blood flow to the brain.

So I think it'll be a good podcast.

Oh,

I'm looking forward to it.

I know what's gonna happen.

Who knows?

So I have been waiting to hear how your romantic sojourn has been.

Oh,

Tell me everything.

Just lovely.

We had such a nice time.

I completely switched off from everything.

Didn't do any work.

Didn't read any emails.

Just didn't do anything at all.

We just had total one on one time.

Just really relaxing.

A loads of squummy food might have partaken in a few glasses of wine.

Good.

And yeah,

Just totally,

Totally relaxed and enjoyed.

It was like being on holiday,

Even though we haven't left the island.

So yeah,

It was lovely.

Wow.

I'm surprised you guys actually disconnected.

You said you would.

And I thought,

No,

That's not possible.

But you actually disconnected work emails.

Oh,

Yeah,

Yeah,

I'm,

I'm quite strict about it nowadays.

I didn't used to be I've had to learn this across the years.

But now I'm actually quite strict.

And I,

I did answer one thing because I was asked for something quite urgently.

But it was a really easy thing where I could just send it from my phone.

So other than that,

I didn't know then.

Oh,

Good for you.

And did you emerge from this week stronger in relationship?

Do you know what I really think that we did actually we spent quite a lot of time last night talking about it just reflecting on the week that we'd had and,

And actually how much better we are together than we have been in the past.

Yeah,

Just how loved up we are.

And yeah,

It was just,

I don't really know how to describe it.

It was just a really lovely time.

But yeah,

I definitely feel like we're closer together.

Oh,

Wonderful.

And I wish the listeners could see the smile on your face.

I did have a I did have a major mini meltdown on Sunday night before we went.

Ah,

Just in anticipation of the week and thinking how was it going to be?

Would we be okay together for a week?

Would we survive without killing each other?

I did share that with my other half and he was very kind and calmed me down,

Which was good.

Nice.

Nice.

Yeah.

Did you say that you guys might kill each other?

That was your fear?

Yeah,

I don't mean literally.

Just before anybody's there hitting 999 or is it 111 in America?

I was gonna say nothing but a thing that happened to your man in the next 48 hours.

Otherwise,

We know who did it.

I tell you what,

He's out of my care now.

So anything could happen.

Do you think you scraped by just in the in the nick of time and then you just parted ways just before it would have gotten super annoying?

Who knows?

Who knows?

I think it's also very different when you're on holiday and you're doing lots of nice things as opposed to having to live your everyday life.

And so yeah,

We don't really have any any of those pressures.

We just spend nice time together.

Yeah.

I'm a big pre vacation freakout person,

Because I'm always freaking out about Oh my gosh,

We're leaving the animals or maybe the stove was turned on and I really freak out.

And it's really awesome that your man was a calming force for you.

Yeah,

No,

He was he was.

I do find that the older I get,

The more stressed I get just an anxious just before I'm about to head off to the airport or about to kind of pack the bags in the car.

I don't know what it is.

I know what's happening.

I know when I'm in it.

But yeah,

You just have to try and breathe through it.

Yeah,

Maybe we're more set in our ways or Yeah,

Do we become homebodies?

Is that what happens?

I think there is some of that in it.

I like my own house.

I like my comforts.

I like my things around me.

Yeah.

And even though you've made this beautiful plan,

You're looking forward to it when the rubber meets the road and you're just about to leave,

Then that homebody inertia starts to kick in.

Yeah,

Definitely.

And you just love to sit in your garden and not go anywhere.

Yeah,

I think that's completely normal.

I have that all the time.

I really have to force myself sort of like a rocket launcher.

Like I really have to use a lot of fuel to get myself out of my comfort zone.

Even though I want to I've made the plans I've the tickets are booked.

I'm ready to go.

But somehow there's this last inertia that fear holds me back.

Yeah,

And I think it's understandable.

But I think when you do do it,

The reward is so much greater than the stress and anxiety that we place into our own heads.

Oh,

Yeah.

Yeah,

If I listened to that anxiety,

I would never go anywhere.

But 20 minutes,

Half an hour after I've left the door,

I'm feeling terrific because I'm in vacation mode.

I'm feeling adventuresome and free.

Yeah,

Exactly.

Oh,

That's really cool.

It sounds like your man said the things that you were needing to hear at the moment.

He did.

He did.

And you were communicative in terms of telling him what was underneath your anxiety.

Yeah,

And maybe I wouldn't have been in the past.

I would probably just struggled and then just being probably a bit of a pain in the ass the next day.

Yeah,

Like a bit snippy to him or something and he wouldn't know why.

Yeah.

Oh,

Go on super quiet or lots of other ways of coping but not necessarily healthy ways or the right ways.

So we did all right.

Good for you.

And the food was good.

The wine was good.

Yes.

And the weather did it cooperate for you?

It did mostly Yeah,

We had some great days.

Lovely.

Oh,

Beautiful.

Yeah.

Oh,

You deserve this.

Couldn't have risked for more.

Wonderful.

I'm very excited to hear that.

So and how's your week been?

Well,

As you can tell,

I was beating myself up on the paddleboard.

Yeah.

So excitingly,

I bought a new car.

A new car?

Yeah,

It's not a new car.

It's three years old.

But Wow.

Yeah,

It's a little jazzy Mini Cooper manual transmission.

Very nice.

I know.

I'm making some changes in September.

So I'm going to be going back to Toronto do some part time clinical practice and hopefully look at some coaching stuff over in Toronto.

So it's a brave new world.

Yeah.

And so I thought I'd buy a brave new little car.

Oh,

Lovely.

Yes.

I've been really busy on doing all those logistics actually.

Yeah.

And has the car arrived?

Yeah.

So I went I did a little public transit pilgrimage over to Pennsylvania a couple of states away to pick it up.

Oh,

Wow.

It's quite exciting.

Yeah,

I'm a big public transit fan.

I like to see where I can go on public transit.

So I took two trains and a bus.

And in COVID it's hard because I had at least one free ride that I was trying to figure out like,

How do I pay somebody for this ride and they were like,

Well,

We can't take your money.

So.

So I was kind of freeloading my way across to Pennsylvania on my public transit pilgrimage.

Well,

You have been the adventurer this week.

I have been I have been.

Did you have any time to look about relationships in the news?

But you guys were offline.

So that's okay.

No,

I did just disconnect from the world.

Good.

Other than my obsession with Married at First Sight,

Which I'm nearly at the end of the series.

Oh,

Nice.

Nice.

So I did manage to keep up to date with that.

Wonderful.

Any shocking turnabouts?

Any shocking developments?

Some shocking behavior.

That's for sure.

Anything that called for a coach?

Yeah,

Well,

There was one guy who quite literally just did not take any responsibility for anything that was going on at all.

And I did have quite an angry outburst at the iPad,

Which my other half thought was hilarious.

Wow.

So this was people behaving badly in relationship then?

Yeah,

So just not being honest,

Not seeing one thing and then doing another being the had this bit where they had a boys night and a girls night and this guy basically just ripped into the partner that he was with,

And then lied about it afterwards.

Do you know what's funny?

This happens all the time in relationship.

We just don't have the video evidence.

No,

Exactly.

The jury that's sitting in the back in the wings,

Analyzing all this.

At first I say,

Wouldn't it be nice if we could have a video team following our every move and documenting both sides so that we could be right.

And then I realize,

No,

No,

We'll never have that video team will never have the judge and jury.

No,

We have to sort these things out for ourselves.

Yeah,

Definitely.

It was interesting to see the reactions though,

Of some of the other boys,

You could really,

I suppose,

Get a measure of their personalities,

The ones that stood up and actually went against the group by telling the truth.

So yeah,

It was very interesting.

Wow.

That tells me that if you feel that something's not right,

And if you feel like somebody is mistreating and they probably are,

Yeah.

You don't have a lot of support around you in the same way as a video team,

But it would be time to start asking yourself some questions and then bring in that those communication skills we've been working on.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

Oh,

Brilliant.

Yeah,

I think it's been a slow,

Slow week on the relationship front,

But not in Jersey.

No,

Sarah and her man have been painting the town red.

We certainly have.

Yeah,

No,

We had some fun,

Fun times had.

Good stuff.

So are we ready to move it along to the hot topic of the week?

Yeah,

I'm feeling energized with all of those good vibes from your beautiful time away.

Oh,

Lovely.

So this week,

We are going to talk about understanding your own needs.

Oh,

That's brilliant.

And I love this is very open ended.

Yeah,

Lots of places we can go with this.

I know.

And I'm just wondering where to start.

I guess going back to my little mini meltdown on Sunday,

Then that was a big part of sometimes we can know it shifts within ourselves across periods of time where we can really see how we'd behave differently from one time to another.

And that was a great example of understanding that actually things didn't feel quite right for me.

And rather than reacting in a way of withdrawal or snipiness or any of those things.

Instead,

I was just quite honest and said,

Look,

This is how I'm feeling.

I don't know why I'm feeling this way.

It's silly.

And my other half was very sweet and did acknowledge how I was feeling and did calm me down.

So I suppose that's an example of having certain needs.

What's your take on this?

Yeah,

That's a brilliant example.

Because you went through two processes,

The first step was to understand what was going on for you understanding your own need and then moving into communicating that with your partner.

And isn't it true that we,

We don't usually sort of reach adulthood knowing what our needs are?

Yeah,

There's a lot of folks,

And a lot of our families of origin where we've been told to be the good person to wait our term,

To be quiet,

To be subservient,

And to not tell people what we need.

Yeah.

And so in doing so,

We don't know what our needs are.

Yeah,

Yeah,

We're told it's wrong to ask for what you want.

And you know,

It's wrong to want to be put first and all of those things.

I think you're right,

We don't come adults fully aware of who we are and what makes us happy.

And I think that's a big part of having to just explore that being able to understand some of the triggers or the cues that are going on or some of the feelings that are coming up,

Why we're experiencing those,

What is it that we are missing?

I think a big part of this as well is we often look to other people to fill our needs and happiness and desires.

And that's not normally going to work,

Is it?

Yeah,

Absolutely not.

Although,

I think,

So it is true that another person is not going to fulfill our needs.

There's no question.

But so something that told me that my needs weren't being met,

Or that I wasn't even aware of my needs is anger.

And I realized that I have been really angry.

And I've been really,

I was always wondering where that came from.

And and what I realized now is that that was my unmet need,

Trying to speak itself.

And I didn't know that that was trying to surface.

And so it would come up as anger.

And I didn't know where the anger was directed.

I was just really pissed off.

So I think that some needs are actually coming forward.

I think I'm kind of claiming the needs that I have.

I know that somebody isn't supposed to fulfill them for me.

I know that I'm supposed to stand on my own two feet,

And I'm supposed to fulfill my own needs.

But at the same time,

Like I feel like I give things to somebody else.

And I feel like there's a flow back and forth that I like to see in relationship.

And so while I won't expect somebody to fill my needs,

Number one,

I want to make sure that I know what those needs are.

And that if there's something that would like help with like you're in the situation with your man.

Yeah,

You wanted some validating words.

Yeah.

So I want to be able to know my needs so that I can frame my asks.

Because usually these are not unreasonable.

I don't think it was unreasonable of you to ask for your man to say,

Hey,

I'm needing just some calming validating words because I'm kind of freaked out.

I always get freaked out the second I before I I lock the door.

Yeah.

Can you calm me down?

And he did.

Yeah.

So I think what I'm hearing you say is that was to agree that you can't have somebody else to fulfill your needs.

And you do have to be responsible for your own happiness.

There are times when you're going to work in partnership.

And if you've got a good relationship,

Then you will support each other because there will be times where you need to just when you check in with each other,

There will be times when you say well,

Actually,

No,

I'm not feeling 100% I'm not on on top of my game.

And if you could do whatever it is that you need support with for them to step into that.

Yeah.

And give them that opportunity.

Yeah.

So not to put you on the spot,

But is there something another time where you feel like your relationship became closer because you were able to communicate a need and your partner stepped up to the plate on that?

It's funny,

Isn't it how you remember more of the bad stuff?

I think I can more remember the nuclear fallout for things when I didn't know what my needs were.

And as you say,

For you,

We came up as anger for me comes up with quite irrational behavior,

Or withdrawal or that stomping around,

Clashing the dishes in their kitchen.

Yes,

Those dishes.

Yeah,

They just get the brunt of your anger.

Well,

Yeah,

Sometimes I wonder why we've still got full dinner service.

But it is that your memories hold on to some of the bad stuff more easily than some of the good stuff.

So,

But in doing so,

What that really gives me is that comparison of how things have been and how they haven't been in a great place.

And now how things have really moved forward.

And I do understand my needs a lot more than I used to.

And I am slowly getting better at asking for help with those or accepting help that comes my way.

And beyond intimate partnerships,

That's also for friends for for other family members.

Yeah.

Even for your kids.

You may actually frame some needs to your kids,

Which is a bit of an interesting role reversal.

Yeah,

I'm not quite sure whether that.

Well,

For your daughter who's learning to drive,

It's like,

Could you just not get into a major accident?

Just my need is just to be able to get from point A to point B alive.

Well,

There's always a statement beforehand that is right.

How confident are you feeling?

Because I really don't fancy dying today.

Oh,

Man,

What an awesome mom you are.

I think we'll all be a lot happier when when she's passed her test.

Yeah.

Okay,

Fair enough.

All right.

So maybe the needs will be starting to be met when she's in her 20s.

Okay,

We'll give her we'll give her a few years.

Yeah.

So how does this come up for you then?

How easily or how difficult do you find it to ask for?

You need?

It's so immensely hard.

Yeah,

It's something that I think I would say that right now I'm just in the stage of acknowledging what my needs are.

And I'm really in a very confusing stage where I don't know,

Just like you say,

I don't know,

Which of these needs are things that I need to supply for myself,

And which I would like to ask for help with,

Because I think that maybe a relationship could be solidified by that.

And I think what may be helpful is something that you brought up on our last session is you talked about like a like a scoring inventory.

Yeah,

I like your approach of tools and organisational tools.

I haven't actually ever made a list of what my needs are.

Hmm,

Sort of in the realm of relationship,

Whether that's I'm serving those needs myself,

Or I would want my partner to ask for them.

But I think it's something I need to articulate in a list or in a diary or in a journal.

Yeah.

So that's where I'm at.

And it's really on a book.

I can't believe I'm 41.

And I'm still at this stage where I'm trying to figure out what I need.

But I don't think I'm alone in this.

I think that a lot of listeners will say yes,

I'm exactly there.

Some people don't even understand that they have needs.

So just pure being blinded to all of it and running a life on autopilot where you just get up,

Go through the motions,

Do everything that you do on a daily basis,

But you feel really pissed off at the same time,

Or you feel really sad or you feel like there's something missing in your life.

A lot of that can be done with the fact that you don't know what your needs are and you don't know how to get them met or how to meet them for yourself.

So I think you're right that acknowledging that that needs exist is the first step.

And then it's trying to find tools to identify what those needs are.

And I think you had some great suggestions there.

I often recommend to clients to start to write down,

You know,

What does your ideal relationship look like is a really good start to have that kind of like ideal image of your relationship and then compare it to what you've got.

How close or how far away are you in the relationship?

Or if you're not in a relationship,

Then what is it that you want in that next relationship?

What does that look like?

Yeah.

And maybe the fear is,

Oh,

Well,

If I start writing things down,

Then I'll create this impossible expectation.

But you may be quite surprised to see just how quite ordinary these things are.

And it's not asking too much for somebody to help you.

And you may also reflect and say,

I give a lot of these things to other people.

Yeah.

Why can't I ask for this myself?

Yeah.

Which is a big thing,

Actually.

I challenge clients on that to say,

Well,

What would you do if your other half asked for support in whatever the area is?

And the answer that comes back is to say,

Well,

I would obviously I would give them it.

And then the next question is,

So why do you not deserve that in return?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

And then if somebody is still not at the stage where they're really able to make a list,

What may be helpful is keeping a little journal just by your side is whenever you feel anger coming up,

Yeah.

Start to notice when you feel angry,

What your tells are.

And take a moment,

Take a breath and say,

What do I need right now?

Yeah,

Because that is a need coming up.

And it may be something.

It may be something as simple as I'm really hungry right now.

Just so pissed off.

I'm just hungry.

I'm hangry.

Okay,

Okay.

So you need some food.

Okay,

Who's gonna get that food for you?

Oh,

I think I can get it myself go to the deli and get something or,

Gosh,

I would really like it if a partner or somebody or a friend could make me a sandwich.

Yeah.

And I'm going to ask them to make me a sandwich.

Yeah,

Yeah.

It's all about small steps,

Isn't it?

To get you to build that awareness to understand where you're at.

And your trigger might not be anger,

It might be get quite moody,

Or it may be that you feel just unsettled or anxious.

And all of those feelings are there as a same pose to tell you that there's something not quite right.

And then it's,

I always think of it as going down another level to say,

Okay,

What's beneath that?

What's underneath it and keep digging until you can really be honest with yourself about what's going on.

That's so true.

As a GP,

One of the reasons why I went into coaching is because I could see people coming in,

And their bodies are trying to tell them something.

Yeah.

And yet they're trying to mask this with either medications that they want me to prescribe,

Or some fancy medical diagnosis they want me to arrive at through investigations.

And I will stop time and say,

I want to talk about what is your body trying to tell you right now,

Like when it gets anxious,

Panic attacks are huge.

Panic attacks are telling you something.

And as a coach,

I love to really,

Really build awareness to what your body your body is brilliant.

The body holds a lot of knowledge and a lot of insight that oftentimes,

Cerebrally,

Like our frontal cortex is not aware of.

Yeah.

There's a lovely saying that whatever the mind suppresses,

The body expresses.

Yes.

I see that my physician colleagues,

We see that all the time.

Yeah.

So we want to jump off the escalator of crazy medication for polypharmacy.

And just get back to good old healing because the body can also heal itself.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Definitely.

So of course,

I'm going to talk about sex for just a little bit.

Great.

I can't not count me in.

You know who I am.

So expressing your needs or understanding your needs in sex.

Yeah.

What do you think?

I think that that's a trickier topic for people to do.

So I think there's one thing saying,

I really need you to make dinner more often.

I think that's a slightly easier conversation.

But we're not used to asking for what we need with intimacy and in a sexual relationship.

And I see a lot of cases where people are really struggling with this area where one partner wants sex more than the other,

Or one partner is just completely not interested anymore or totally lost the libido.

So I think those discussions are a lot harder to have for people because again,

We're not used to talking about it and there's a lot of shame,

Harassment around talking about sex.

Yes,

There is needlessly,

Unfortunately.

And it doesn't matter how progressive our societies are,

You know,

We can be as crazy and wild out in public,

But somehow we're still so repressed in our bedrooms.

Yeah.

So what are your needs for sex?

What are your needs for self pleasure by yourself?

What are your needs for a partner who comes into the scenario?

There's just an amazing Disney world of things to discover,

But it's giving yourself permission to take the first steps to even happen down the path.

Yeah.

So what would you say the listeners should do then if they find themselves in that situation?

Hmm,

Man,

I agree with you.

It's such an emotionally charged and vulnerable space.

Prevention is always better than cure.

So it's something that if we have younger listeners,

I would always encourage them if they,

If younger or folks who are not currently partnered,

It's always a wonderful journey to go on by yourself,

Discovering your own needs when you're not in a partnership and understanding what those are,

Understanding how to fulfill your own needs,

And then starting to build those asks that you're talking about,

Like talking about lists so that when you are thinking about a partnership or you're heading into a partnership,

You can start to,

You know,

Where those wheels of communication just start right off the bat.

Like,

Oh,

I,

I like it when somebody does this.

And would you do that that way?

A little harder,

They're a little,

Little softer there so that you're not having to play catch up years into a relationship,

Realizing that you've not set the groundwork for communication.

Yeah,

No,

I think that's a great,

Definitely a great way to approach it is to really understand what it is you need,

What you like,

What really turns you on.

And then having the confidence at the start of the relationship,

Because you've got not a lot to lose at that stage.

Yeah.

Having that confidence to actually just ask for what you'd like.

And it doesn't have to sound so scary.

It can always be framed in those beautiful I statements that you've brought for us.

So I really love it when this happens rather than you never do this.

It's I love this will help to encourage somebody to come to the table and try things out with you.

Yeah.

And I think sometimes we think that everything has to be wild and wild and free in the bedroom.

But it's okay to ask for something that's,

You know,

It's perfectly normal and there's nothing wrong if you if all you want to ask for is I really love it when you stroke my back or I like it when you touch my neck or I think we're kind of being conditioned that when we talk about what we want from sex,

We've been conditioned that it has to be this big.

Super crazy.

Yeah,

You know,

Between Sex and the City and Fifty Shades of Grey and we have to be really out there and all have a red room.

Yeah.

Safe words.

Safe words are great.

But you know,

Not everything has to involve safe words.

Yeah,

I think it's about saying actually,

You know,

Sometimes simple pleasures in life are nice and don't be embarrassed to ask for them because you think it's silly or it's foolish because it's not if they're the things that actually really do turn you on and that puts you in the mood and you know is where your pleasure and passion lies.

Go with it.

Oh,

Completely.

And for women,

Oftentimes our passion lies in somebody doing some housework.

Yes,

Can really spark our flame.

So we may say,

Look,

I really get in the mood when the bed is made with clean sheets.

Yeah.

And the bathroom is clean.

Could I invite you for a bubble bath into that clean bathroom that I would love to see by tomorrow night?

Sounds like a great way to get the housework done.

Oh my gosh,

Again,

I wish listeners could see that like glit.

Your eyes just lit up and you're like,

Yes,

Yes,

There's a whole host of people who are the host of people saying,

Wow,

If we knew it was that simple.

No,

And to be honest,

I don't want to reduce it.

It's very complicated.

But a little bit of treats.

What is it gingerbread trails?

Yeah.

Do you know reward and showing your partner that you really appreciate it when they do things that even are non sexual that are just setting the stage for for romance that make you feel cared for and therefore light those fires for you?

Yeah.

Nicely put on it.

Yeah,

I'm thinking bubble baths right now.

Yeah,

Me too.

That sounds really nice.

I've got an impossibly small tub though.

It's very hard for me to take these bubble baths.

But I tried once I flooded the that we flooded the downstairs.

We had the super banging on our doors saying what's going on because the neighbors downstairs are having a flood through their roof.

I bet you you're popular in the block.

Oh,

Yeah.

So New York City apartments.

Everybody in New York City would be like,

Oh,

Yeah,

I know that story.

So so they actually came in and they plugged the drain of my bathtub so that such things will never happen again.

So the romance in my bathtub has been somewhat curtailed.

Oh,

So to all those lovers and single people out there with a bathtub,

You go crazy on my behalf.

Break out the bubble bath in the champagne.

Yeah,

I'll take that trip for you instead.

Oh,

Yes,

Please do.

Please do.

And report back as always.

Always happy to share.

So any final words on understanding your needs?

I think for anybody who doesn't understand their needs,

I wouldn't panic too much.

I think as Anna's pointed out,

There's lots of ways you can start to explore that and understand it.

And it's perfectly normal to not have thought about this before.

But now it's we've discussed it a little bit,

Then hopefully it gives you the chance to start to maybe put some of that into practice and just start to consider what comes up for you.

And you may realize that that's actually getting to the root of issues or conflict that you're having.

Yeah,

That just by understanding your needs,

You can start to see solutions clicking into place.

Yeah,

Definitely.

So should we move on to the question of the week and our relationship remedies?

Oh,

Yes,

I'm already for a question.

So this question is,

I thought we had the same values,

But we don't.

What should I do?

Oh,

My gosh,

This is rather frightening,

Actually.

I Oh,

My gosh.

Yeah,

I don't know why this is a particularly terrifying question.

I feel like I feel like my values are very important.

I feel like if all of a sudden I sort of midway realized that my perception is that my values weren't being met,

I panic.

So I think we need to unpack this a little bit.

Yeah.

The same way that you are still in infancy of understanding your needs.

I feel like I am still in kindergarten when it comes to understanding my values.

Ah,

Okay,

Tell us more.

So I feel only recently that I started to explore my values in a lot more detail.

And I really have started to notice when some of those things are coming up for me.

So some of the really strong values I have are fun and fairness.

Not necessarily at the same time.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Got it.

You don't need both together.

Got to have some fun in your life.

Yes,

Exactly.

Great.

But I know for me,

If there's not enough fun going on in my life,

Then I really struggle.

Even so much as being in a long meeting.

That just gets quite boring.

I have to introduce interject some fun,

Because it's just too much.

I just can't do it for that long.

And I know that to be true,

Because you inject you bring the fund to the party of our podcast.

I couldn't do without you.

Oh,

No,

Listen,

You are the person who gets me out of my serious Nelly sort of situation.

And you get me laughing.

That is something that you bring.

And I know that that's a big value for you.

Yeah,

No,

I mean,

I think the world's just really dull unless you can have some fun in it and have a laugh.

And I think it can really help to lighten the mood,

Especially when things are going so well.

Just injecting a bit of humour in there and trying to raise things up a bit.

That doesn't mean to say I haven't got a serious side because I do.

But it's definitely one of my values is if I haven't had enough fun in my life,

I need to switch it up pretty sharpish.

Nice,

Nice.

Now,

Diamonds don't come from anything other than fire.

So your realisation that the value of fun is high on your list must have come from pain.

Is that safe to say?

Yes.

It came from a time where you were not that value was not being met.

Yeah,

I think it comes from a time where I guess life was was too serious.

Things were more of a struggle.

And yeah,

You're right.

A lot more pain was present.

And do you feel like you were not being acknowledged who you are was being suppressed or not not allowed to flourish?

That you were not allowed to be humorous or to see the brighter side?

I think I didn't even know that that was a value.

I didn't even know that,

You know,

Going back to what we're saying before about needs,

I didn't know that that was something that was important to me and was missing.

I just knew that I was not in a good place.

You know,

It's funny,

Though,

That we could probably paint back to our childhood or to our high school experience to realize that those were probably there at the time.

Is it fair to say that you were a jovial,

Fun loving kid?

Yeah.

Life of the party?

Yeah.

I remember my dad saying there was one time I think I was in a relationship and my dad,

He commented like,

You don't seem to be having fun anymore because he sort of he knows me,

You know,

From my childhood,

Etc.

And he would reflect that if I was being too serious,

If it seems that I wasn't enjoying myself,

He would actually be quite concerned about my relationship.

He identified that sense of humor and fun.

He identified that as being important where I did not know I,

I went from being this hilarious little high school kid to sometimes some very serious,

Very heavy relationships needlessly in my early 20s.

Oh,

Yeah.

What's interesting about that is your dad has was fully aware of what was going on.

We often think that people don't,

They don't know us.

They don't see us.

They don't have a clue about what's happening because we feel like everything is below the surface so much.

The reality is actually that's not as true as we think it is.

And when we have a,

You know,

More deep and meaningful conversation with somebody,

We find out actually you do see me and maybe they've just chosen not to address the things that they've seen.

Whereas your dad's seen it and he's addressed it with you,

Which is lovely.

Yeah,

I love that you say that that can sometimes be the way that we submerge ourselves into an unhealthy relationship and we feel that nobody notices and that we don't even know ourselves,

But we can explain away and tolerate things that are less than ideal and we think that nobody's noticing.

But oftentimes,

And our girlfriends are usually pulling us aside to say,

Hey,

You know,

I don't feel like things are right.

Yeah.

If we don't know what our values are,

It may be helpful for the people who love us,

Who are around us and they may be able to reflect to us to say,

You know,

I think this was something that was really important to you and I see that that's not something that you,

That is being allowed to shine right now in this current relationship and that's concerning me.

Yeah.

And fairness.

So fairness is another value of yours.

It is quite a strong value if somebody's not being fair to somebody else or if somebody's safe people say,

Oh yeah,

I'm going to do something by this date.

They don't do it.

And then rather than being honest and saying,

I haven't done it,

They then try and cover it all up with some excuses.

And you can basically tell that they're just talking completely out of bullshit.

And I just feel like,

Why,

You know,

Why do that to somebody else?

Just be honest and say,

Cause it often means that somebody else has then got to pick up the pieces.

They've got to then stay late or they've got to put in more effort to get the job done.

And it's the same in relationships,

Isn't it?

When we're not fair to one another and have that level of respect,

Then you know,

We're not valuing each other.

We're not valuing each other's time.

We're not valuing the contribution that we each make.

And it just,

It can become quite unfair on one side.

Oh,

It's funny.

I thought that fairness was dividing up,

Uh,

Loading the dishwasher.

I actually went straight to division of household duties,

So I'm actually quite pleasantly surprised to actually,

It's a very multilayered fairness to you actually brings on a lot of things.

Fairness,

Honesty,

Integrity.

Yeah,

Completely.

Yeah.

And we know that nobody else loads up the dishwasher in my house on a,

That is true.

In fact,

I was doing it this morning,

Complaining again that nobody else does it.

Oh my God.

Didn't we say something like a,

That you and your man should find your way into the dishwasher to shag because you know you,

The kids will never be anywhere near the dishwasher.

It's kind of like your attic or your back shed.

We did,

But I'm not quite sure you'll get both of us or one of us in there.

Yes,

Exactly.

The grand size dishwasher has not yet been built.

Hopefully.

I also think we shouldn't be encouraging people to claim into appliances.

That sounds like a health and safety nightmare to everybody.

Do not climb into your dishwasher.

Yeah.

Or any appliance.

Very good.

Yes.

That's my public safety announcement for the week.

Yes,

Exactly.

See,

That's your integrity speaking.

That's wonderful.

It is.

So let's get back to this question because as usual,

We've,

We love to go around the mulberry bush.

So I thought we had the same values,

But we don't want,

What should I do?

What do we want to advise this listener to do?

I'd be curious about what values of yours are you noticing as being violated?

I think that you listed off two very fundamental values that are a make or break scenario.

There may be some values that we may hold less important,

You know,

Cause we can kind of rank our values,

But the question sounds like there's a lot of hurt and I'm wondering if this person is feeling a bit deceived,

Like that there was a presentation of a certain type of person that perhaps has not borne out to be what they thought.

Yeah,

I agree with you about the herd part.

For me,

My thought process then went to,

There's been a shift in the relationship and as we grow older and stay together longer,

We do as people grow and develop and change and what is important to us can grow,

Develop and change.

So what came up for me was actually,

Has it been that has there just been a shift where the two people just haven't grown together and one of them,

The values of maybe developed or the values have lessened and therefore they're not moving in parallel with each other.

It also makes me think about children as well.

I'm really digging to exercise my intuition muscle here.

The thing that comes up for me as well is around when you have children,

Often your values can change and we don't really talk about having kids before we have them a lot of the time.

We don't talk about what our values are in terms of bringing them up and you can then get a clash in relationships then around that.

So I'm wondering if there's any of that in there as well.

So the thought that we're on the same page when it comes to bringing up children,

But actually suddenly they've got different priorities or I think there's something around that for me.

Oh,

Okay.

Now I feel like you've unraveled this.

I really needed help in sort of looking at this with a broader perspective.

I like this.

The fact that two people may be going in different directions over time or a major life event like the birth of a child or needing to take care of an elderly parent,

Another stressor like that,

Or a financial difficulty or bankruptcy or disability and realizing that you never sat together to talk about how you would tackle what value system you would set out with in that case.

For me,

I'm wondering this person is saying,

I feel like we're no longer on the same page in terms of our values,

But I think the first thing for me would be to question is that possibly an assumption.

Have you guys actually sat down?

You're seeing a behavior that seems to indicate that they're not holding the same set of values as you do.

But my big question is have you guys sat down and talked about what your values are in this new situation?

Yeah.

My mind was going in exactly the same direction.

My question would be,

How do you know that your values aren't the same?

So again,

What assumption are you making?

Have you had a conversation?

Have you,

Is that just your interpretation of what's going on?

Absolutely.

Interpretations fly rampant when there's poor communication,

We just interpret and assume and we build up these stories.

And it could be that the partner is exhibiting some behavior or some approach that they may have thought that you wanted or that they may have thought would be have been best or perhaps maybe they didn't ever give it any thought because they saw their parents do that when they were in that situation.

So they never really gave them much mind.

Yeah,

It may not be that their values have shifted or have become apparent.

It may just be that their approach,

You need to collaborate with words.

Yeah.

So I think what I'm hearing is that,

You know,

The general theme of advice here is just to understand a little bit more about what's going on in that situation.

If there has been a trigger or change or something's happened,

I think it's going back to then say,

Again,

Using the I word,

You know,

I've noticed that you are not as willing to be open with me or,

You know,

What is it that's changed for you?

Yeah.

Or,

You know,

I thought when we were single or when we didn't have kids,

That diversity and inclusion were going to be important things.

But yet I'm seeing some weird stuff in terms of the schools that you're choosing.

And I'm really hurt as to why you're,

You know,

Looking at these neighborhoods when when I thought that we would look at this sort of approach for our schooling.

Yeah.

Oh,

Those are you statements though?

Oh,

See,

It's not as easy as it sounds.

It's not as easy.

Oh my gosh,

I'm thinking of like,

What is like a game where you get slapped on the wrist if you say word anyways,

I've been hit up side the head with a wet noodle.

Yeah,

They're hard.

It's hard.

You statements are so easy,

Because like,

You're doing this,

I'm noticing you're,

You know,

Etc.

Whereas,

Yeah,

You know,

At the end of the day is I can say this is my value.

And I thought that we were on the same page.

And I'm realizing that we have never talked about this.

And I wonder if we could take an opportunity to explore what our values are.

Yeah.

And complete surprises are always in store.

And sometimes you can have a real good laugh with each other to realize,

Wait a minute,

We're,

We've just built up a huge story with assumptions.

And actually,

Something totally different is going on.

Yeah,

Nine days at ten it normally is that way.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Well,

Hopefully that helps our listener with this conundrum.

Well,

It helps me a lot.

I was totally confused.

This question really had me in a knot.

I learned something today.

I think we all learn something every day.

Yeah,

That's very true every day.

And you're learning not to whack yourself on the shins with your paddleboard.

Oh my gosh,

Listen,

I'll be doing that again next week.

I tell you,

I'll have a fresh new set of injuries to talk about.

Absolutely.

If I make it out alive.

Well,

Let's hope you do because I'm looking forward to recording again next week.

Oh,

So am I.

That's the one thing that will keep me alive on the Hudson River is our podcast next week.

Oh,

I'm very grateful for that.

Well,

I think that wraps it up for this week then Anna.

It's been a pleasure,

Sarah.

Thank you so much.

Oh,

As always,

As always.

And congratulations on a beautiful time away.

Yes,

I shall keep my glow for a little bit longer.

All right,

Till next time.

Till next time.

So that's it for another week of Geordie,

Lass and DocsSass.

We hope you've enjoyed listening as much as we've enjoyed chatting.

Get in touch and share your questions for relationship remedies and any hot topics you want us to cover.

If you need help navigating all things relationships,

Anna and Sarah are available for one on one coaching support.

Email info at geordie lass.

Com.

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And if you've not,

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