Trust The Process

What does it mean to be spiritual? Episode 30 is about what spirituality looks like when life just shows up. Instead of our usual episode routine, we're letting go into the moment and just sharing where each of us is on our spiritual path right now. We're going to relax and trust the process of spiritual growth and development. What does that look like? We'll fill you in on the places we struggle and how we draw on the strength of our spiritual community to keep trying.

Transcript

Thanks for joining us here on Pretty Spiritual where we're attempting the unthinkable about how to navigate this messy,

Beautiful,

Imperfect life with spiritual tools,

What principles and our own personal stories.

So we're not experts,

We're not religious,

We're definitely silly.

We're honest,

Real and willing to share.

So join us as we connect,

Bond and grow together.

Hey everyone.

Hello.

Hey friends.

Hi.

We're so glad that you could join us today on this relaxed,

Is that what we're going to call it?

Let's call it relax.

You know,

We're just relaxing today into spirituality and as you know,

You've been with us for some time and we're so grateful for that.

And we know as well that we can really put out some great content for you.

So we're very hopeful that you will trust us as we ease our way into what has happened when life shows up.

We provide this free podcast for you and we're so grateful for the community and the connection that we're making.

Thank you everyone who has emailed us and all of our spiritual friendies out there across the globe,

Close,

Far away.

And those of you who haven't been able to write in,

Just thank you so much for being here and listening with us.

And we are going to have a more relaxed topic today.

My name's Lindsay pony.

Hello everyone.

And to my left as always is me.

I'm Ella.

Hi Ella.

Thank you so much.

And to my right,

The wonderful Annie.

We are in our special spiritual tripod as in trying podcasting formation.

And we are so glad that we could all be here today together,

Despite all of the things,

You know,

Life really shows up,

You know,

And life shows up when you're planning for it.

And it's such a wonderful thing that we get to come together.

It's really been healing and helpful for us to have this community and we're just trying to share it with you.

So that's what we're going to do today.

In terms of background,

I can add some details and let you guys know that last night I got a text from Lindsay saying,

Maybe we could do this kind of an episode.

And it was like the key to me relaxing and not having a panic meltdown.

I just didn't have anything left to write up notes for an episode,

Which is so great,

Because I think so many of us suffer with this delusion that like real life and spirituality are different things and that those realms are supposed to be separate from each other and that,

You know,

If we're like really spiritual,

Then we can do it all.

We just do it all perfectly all the time.

And that's just not real.

Certainly not in practice.

I don't know how it goes down.

And it continues to be one of the greatest causes of suffering for me personally,

As a recovering perfectionist.

So we decided instead of because we didn't have notes,

And we didn't research a topic,

We're just going to talk about what's happening in our life right now and what it looks like.

So it's a bit more unstructured.

It's relaxed.

We are so relaxed,

We are learning how to relax spiritually.

That's what we're going to try and do today.

We hope I hope that hearing us be messy human beings just trying this whole crazy life thing one day at a time might give you permission to let it be how it is for yourself and for other people.

And maybe we don't have to be so hard on ourselves or each other today.

Such great concepts and I'm so curious what it looks like.

What's life looking like today?

Right this second?

Oh boy.

Without any prep or anything going into it.

I can start.

I was praying you would.

I'm like,

Get us going girl.

My doggy just passed away in that we had to have him euthanized,

Which was so confusing because it's hard to be the arbiter of another being's life.

And I feel like perhaps we made the right decision,

But it was still so hard and there was this strange guilt and shame that were part of it.

And a friend who is volunteers quite a bit with the Berkeley Humane Society shared this really helpful sheet with me about grief around pets.

And I'll put it,

Ella maybe we'll put it up on our resource page.

Tools page.

Oh my God,

I made it a thing.

It's tools,

You know,

Tools,

But it was so helpful.

It was just very comforting to read because it also directly addressed the guilt and shame that you can feel around a pet dying.

And I think it's really common for any kind of grief of anger or guilt and those things are kind of covering up what's underneath of it,

Which is sadness.

And when I got down into it,

It was like,

I was telling these girls before the show,

There's these little like pockets of grief and I'll be like,

Oh,

That little stinker is not running to the bathroom,

Banging the door open every time I go pee to make sure he knows where I am,

You know,

And just that is sad.

So that is a thing.

And then I yesterday I had worked on my tooth and I have so much tooth trauma.

And it's like all this stuff is wrapped up in my face and it makes me sad and oh,

And it hurts.

And I have a mouth guard,

Which is very sexy and I wear it at night.

It looks really good.

And I cracked a tooth through my mouth guard because I have this clench like with the power of a hippopotamus with just these like brute force jaws.

And I've cracked more than one tooth and it's just tiring.

I'm like,

Oh,

I've been doing all this stuff to try to fix it.

I full disclosure Ella has sent me her neck exercises on at least two occasions and I haven't done them.

I'm in denial.

They're so annoying.

I mean,

They're great.

But like,

Gosh,

This is what it takes.

And the physical therapy,

It takes years to become willing.

And I just as I drink a cup of coffee and my body gets that adrenaline brush,

I'm like,

I am what am I doing?

But I've been doing acupuncture and all this amazing healing stuff.

And you know,

A week and a half ago,

Two weeks ago,

And I cracked this new tooth.

It was just this like,

Oh,

Yeah,

I have to do something else.

My solutions aren't working right now.

I need to do more,

Even though I don't want to.

And it was really helpful because every time I go to the dentist,

I get quite a bit of fear.

And on the way there,

I was thinking about the fear episode we recorded.

And Ella was talking about pain and fear.

And it was really helpful because I was thinking of that.

Like,

Oh,

I'm projecting this pain into the future that I'm always going to feel like I want to rip the jawbone out of my face.

And I'm always going to have a drill in my mouth.

And that's not true.

And so there's a prayer that I like.

It's the St.

Francis prayer.

And it's from the Christian tradition,

But it is not I'm not Christian.

And it is so expansive.

And it can be I think anyone who might want to use it can use it,

Whatever their belief.

And I just repeated it the whole card and it just kind of put me in this mindset of like,

This is all right.

This is all right.

And I listened to something that was soothing to me while they were doing the mouthwork dental work,

Really,

Really,

Really drill.

And I was just like,

Oh,

I have tools that I can use besides panic and that good old go to cry.

They're like drilling.

I just had tears rolling down my face.

And all of that.

Everything is totally great.

You know,

Like I'm sharing these things and life is wonderful.

And I'm not using substances or even food to try to like solve these things.

I'm reaching for these spiritual tools.

I'm leaning on people around me.

And I,

For example,

With my dog scooter,

I'm just letting myself be sad,

Which is really really cool.

So I guess I'm grateful.

Just kidding.

I love it.

So one of the greatest tools in all the lands.

What about you,

Pony?

What's happening in your world?

Well,

I just want to say RIP scoots.

Love you very much.

No scooty and noble scoots,

Noble scoots.

And I would have like precious time capsule.

That's why I always look at these things as they're just first.

They're like the security blanket.

And then they're just such a time capsule.

All the things that happened during that time and in the life of scoot.

You just gave him such a really great life.

And he looked like a little fox.

I know he's such a good buddy.

So I just really feel for all animal pain.

I personally have so much animal trauma from a child that I will not have animals.

That's how I handle that.

I'm like,

Oh,

I know much.

It's just I can't do it.

There's a lot there to work on,

Obviously.

That's not going to work forever.

That's how I manage that right now.

And it's great because my landlord won't let's have any kind of animals,

Not even a beta fish in a plant.

I was like,

Really?

I was really trying.

She said,

Nope.

No,

I told you no pets.

I'm like,

Who even wants a fish?

Yeah.

Who even wants a fish?

You didn't even want a fish.

You just wanted to.

.

.

You know,

Who knows what.

.

.

It's toe in the line.

I certainly don't know what I want most of the time.

Toe in the line,

Baby.

Always got to try here?

Here?

What if I go here?

I'm not touching now.

Is this?

Okay.

I just had a really intense work week and like three of the days I did overnights and I raise other people's children like fully.

And it is an absolute delight and luxury to be able to learn how to grow and love small tiny,

Little humans that I don't have to,

You know?

And it's really shown me how much capacity I have for love.

It has just been this huge unearthing of how to turn towards love and be with love when things are very confusing.

And I love children so much because they continually are just the phases of a human personified in like complete end of the spectrum form.

You know,

I'm either elated and so happy and things are so amazing or this is the end of the world and I'm going to kick and scream and throw things.

I am just so in love with this two year old because I'm like,

Oh my God,

There I am.

There I am when things get hard.

There I am when I'm tired.

There I am.

And it's so confronting and so hard to be there with this tiny body,

Big emotions and it's there just on fire,

You know?

And it's just coming out and you have to,

You see them kicking and screaming and having to release that energy.

And it's such a beautiful reminder for me to learn how to stay calm,

Like really,

Really calm and how to turn towards more gentleness and more love.

And this is just,

It has been such deep spiritual work,

How much my job has lined up with my,

The areas of my life that I really,

Really needed gentleness and kindness.

I needed that so desperately for myself and I just didn't know how to have that.

It's not how I was raised and it's not,

If it wasn't for Annie and Ella,

I swear to you,

I just do not have examples of like,

They're just the most loving,

Sweet people when I thought that all you have to do is be,

Well,

If I'm meaner or I'm louder or I like push up against you a little bit harder,

Then it will be better.

And these women have really helped me,

Coupled with a lot of other things,

But like make the turn to see,

Like,

I really appreciate the power of example.

I,

The power of example and the power of prayer.

That's what someone taught me a long time ago that you could get anywhere with that.

And I did not understand it until just recently because without the examples that I just didn't,

I don't know how,

What this looks like,

What this sounds like,

Where to begin.

And I've had these two wonderful women by my side be being so loving and so skillful and so compassionate in so many different situations,

Whether we're doing something creative,

Whether we're working as a group,

The trials and tribulations that they're going through on their own.

And I've got to see that in real life practice has been really just,

It has broken me open in a way where not only do I think like,

Oh,

I'll call on Annie or I'll call on Ella right now,

Whenever like I feel myself really tighten up and like,

Oh,

I got to steamroll through here and just kill somebody to get what I need.

And when we're talking about like higher powers or like God or like whatever,

When they do in spiritual,

The spiritual communities,

Which always made me just even hard enough,

Even more here recently,

I've been thinking about how a higher power is just a power that is like,

It's a power that is there that I can tap into that can help me to be or do in a different way than I've ever done before.

It's so it's like spiritual alchemy.

I don't understand it.

It doesn't make sense.

But the more that I keep having these experiences of where I have been a different way,

I've been really hard and rigid,

And I thought it was the only way to be.

And then I've had these beautiful examples in front of me of how it could also be.

And then realizing that I could harness that power,

Even if I just look towards ideals and principles as like,

Maybe I'm never going to get there or Oh,

Well,

That person handles that that way.

If I just shift my view towards that,

Then I have so much more of a chance changing my habitual patterns of how I've always been how I thought I always had to be how I thought it was the only way to be.

And so I'm really grateful for these examples that have been put in my life in these,

In all these different forms where I could have just hated my job,

I could just hate my job,

And feel like these kids are impossible to understand.

And they're just so needy,

They need so much.

And if they would just do what I would want or behave this certain way,

Then I would be happy and I have been able to really drop down into a space where I am so much more available to learn about them and really get to know them and be okay with whatever that looks like in the moment.

So miraculous.

It really is.

Thank you for your sweet words.

Thank you all so much.

Tara.

Yeah,

You change me all the time.

I learned so much from both of you.

Ditto.

It's so wonderful.

We're all here together.

Ella.

Oh,

Boy.

I love how this episode is turning out.

I hope if you're listening on a day later than today,

You're having that experience and if not,

That's okay too.

Yeah.

It's been a pretty hard couple of weeks.

And this morning when Annie and Lindsay were getting ready to head over,

I was just kind of having,

I want to call it like a breakdown or a meltdown or something like that.

That feels like an accurate way to describe it.

But what my continued experience is like is that I need to keep having these breakdowns and they're messy and there's a lot of feelings involved,

But what they end up feeling like is more like some kind of breakthrough than a breakdown.

And for me,

Living with a body that has stuff going on with it all the time that hurts a lot of the time that feels uncomfortable,

That's a lot of work to take care of.

I mean,

I might just be describing the human experience right now.

But for me,

With all of that stuff going on,

I found that the cycle that just kind of keeps repeating and not necessarily in any kind of particular order,

But like that grief cycle that Annie was starting to talk about.

And for me,

With my body,

It kind of looks like any number of these feelings and experiences I'm about to describe,

Rage,

Anger,

Self loathing,

Irritability,

Crankiness,

That's definitely one kind of flavor,

Then there's fatigue and exhaustion and knowing that the experience or the feelings or the physical level of suffering is not sustainable and feeling hopeless and lacking in faith and confused and out of energy.

And then there's this kind of like breakdown breakthrough thing that happens where it's like,

Ow,

You know,

It's just like pain and sadness and this isn't fair and definitely love to get in some self pity.

If you need help manifesting self pity,

Like if you don't know how to do that,

Holler at me because I have so many ideas and suggestions about how to really.

.

.

We'll do a live video at some point.

Get in there.

I picture you like with a big pot,

Like a witch's brew with smoke coming out of it.

Leg of toad.

That one is very important for self pity.

So there's that kind of like pain,

Awful suffering phase and then it kind of breaks through and then there's this gentleness and this sense of humor and acceptance and surrender.

And of course,

I have opinions about myself during every part of this cycle,

You know,

And then it starts over with like,

I'm so cranky.

You know,

This is not fair.

I hate this.

And it just it literally just keeps cycling and I've been I noticed it after a time because I've been having this experience for like six years now,

You know,

Just like through and through.

The regularity of this cycle has given me an ability to kind of recognize what's going on and hopefully to however it looks to just let it look that way.

But my experience is that naturally some of these states feel better than others.

For example,

Acceptance and surrender feels better than irritability and crankiness and hating everyone and blaming my boyfriend and you know,

However that looks.

But the reality is that those are all just weather systems,

You know,

Like there is no,

It's like pleasant,

Unpleasant,

Neutral.

Yeah,

I could apply those descriptors to the experiences but where the real suffering is,

Is feeling bad.

Because I'm cranky feeling like I'm bad because I'm cranky feeling like I'm really and it's not bad.

It's toxic.

That's how that's how that manifests for me.

And I was really cranky this morning,

Really.

Just not wanting to be in my body.

And I have been,

I've been hurting myself some with food,

Especially with sugar.

It's so great that I get this opportunity to talk about that.

And be real about where I'm at my disordered eating looks a lot healthier than it used to.

But it's still right there ready to ready to be picked up when when I think I need soothing and the only way to do it is through behaviors that actually harm me.

Gosh,

I just want to say that the you guys,

Lindsay and Annie coming over here today was so healing just to have them like show up at my house and they have a key so we just come on in with our johnny.

So great.

He started saying like,

Making siren calls to me from like the front door.

Always.

It's just I'm not supposed to be able to remember by myself all the time that I can like love and accept the experience I'm having.

And so it is so necessary for me to have people in my life who remind me of that.

I know from some,

Some real sweet messages we've gotten from people listening to the podcast that some of you are in places where maybe you don't have in person human reminders of that or it doesn't feel safe to talk about really like where you're at.

And so yeah,

I just want to say if you're in a place where you don't get to be as vulnerable as you want or as would be helpful,

That I really just hope that you can absorb some of the the like love and acceptance and all of that that we have for you and and it really helps me because when I can't apply that to myself,

Sometimes I'll pretend that I'm someone else like I'm Lindsay or Annie.

Like how would that person receive the suffering I'm experiencing right now and it's this really magical thing because when I talk to either of them and they're cranky or sad or angry or scared,

It is so it's easier for me to love them actually than when they're like cheerful and happy,

You know,

And I just it helps me so much because I think one part of what goes along with that experience of crankiness or anger like whatever the suffering looks like is that we make ourselves bad for feeling that way.

I'm so grateful that I just have this place where I can relax and let whatever is happening for me just be fine and not like fine but like actually fine.

I hope you can find something like that for yourself in a meaningful way and if you're you're still looking for that then you can borrow my attitude toward you which is like you're so easy to love when you're cranky or upset or angry or scared.

You're doing great.

Just like a little pup.

So sweet.

Could we recap some tools like now we could talk about what tools we could apply or that we are applying like Annie maybe you want to share part of that prayer and then we can also put that up on the tools page.

Oh yeah,

Annie for those of us who are less spiritual than you,

Do you mind reciting it?

Would you mind?

Oh I would be happy to.

So great.

Do you guys want to repeat it after me?

Oh let's do that.

Maybe we'll memorize it eventually.

As I said this is from the Christian tradition and I'm not religious but I am a big fan of borrowing spiritual tools from any and all place and this is really a beautiful prayer and if the word prayer makes your hair stand up you can use invitation or heart opening and it traditionally starts with the word Lord like the person is asking Lord and that doesn't work for me so I just say higher power because then my brain isn't fighting with some story through the first half of the prayer as I'm saying it.

Trying to talk myself out of why I shouldn't worry about saying the word Lord and I'm like I could just say whatever I want.

Oh there's no rules.

I always say goddess and I'm so glad that you're bringing that up because that I feel like for over six years I've just been fighting prayer and any types of prayers because of what they were connected to or what my trauma and religion and all that was connected to and it's I'm so glad that now I get to put that piece down I can recognize that all of that is there and I have this like aversion not wanting to hear anything and not believing it and I can have the opportunity to put that down and be able to listen to what it's saying and this prayer in particular when I heard what it was saying and like offering and a way for my mind to settle in a different position it really became so much more beautiful and almost possible but maybe it did take over six years.

I love it.

I also want to share that since I'm a very serious spiritual practitioner one time I saw a video of a piglet a tiny sweet little baby piglet and it was doing its piggy twerk dance to a Rihanna song and I literally thought how could there not be a God of some kind this piglet is twerking to Rihanna like in rhythm perfectly and so sometimes I like to start my prayers I don't know if I can find that video but if I do I'm putting it on our tools page oh duh so sometimes I start prayers by saying celestial twerk piglet it's true she does I do I really like it um it helps me because I'm so perfectionistic about spirituality that maybe I could relax a little and I love animals and so when I see stuff like that or I see a mama animal snuggling her baby or cuddling together that is always such a sweet reminder to me of what a higher power looks like and so you can sub any word you want or phrase for Lord whatever works for you higher power celestial twerk piglet goddess make me a clear channel of thy peace make me a clear channel of thy peace where there's hatred let me bring love where there is hatred let me bring love where there's wrong let me bring the Spirit of Forosaurs where there is wrong let me bring the Spirit of Forucer goodness where there's error let me bring truth where there is error let me bring truth where there's despair let me bring hope where there is despair let me bring Hope where there's doubt let me bring faith.

Where there is doubt let me bring faith.

Where there is shadows let me bring light.

Where there is sorrow let me bring joy.

Where there is sorrow let me bring joy.

Oh higher power.

Oh celestial twerk piglet.

Oh goddess.

Grant that I may seek.

Grant that I may seek.

Not so much.

Not so much.

Not so much.

To be comforted but as to comfort.

To be comforted but as to comfort.

To be understood as to understand.

To be understood as to understand.

To be loved as to love.

To be loved as to love.

For it is in self forgetting that one finds.

For it is in self forgetting that one finds,

It is in forgiving that one is forgiven,

It is in forgiving that one is forgiven,

It is in dying to self that one awakens to eternal life,

It is in dying to self that one awakens to eternal life.

Beautiful.

Oh my gosh,

I even loved it so much.

But I do I love the one to comfort rather than to be comforted.

It helps me so much in my marriage when I'm like,

It's not my job to be understood but to understand I come to it all the time.

It's so annoying that my partner's name is actually Frances.

So perfect.

Thank you universe.

It was helpful to I was talking with a friend about this because at the end of the prayer,

She was taking umbrage how it says one must die to awaken to eternal life and how it that really kind of aligns with specific religions and she wasn't part of it.

And we were talking about what if instead of thinking of it in the term,

Terms of being reborn of like,

Your ego dying,

Surrendering your ego to stepping into this life,

Kind of without those blinders on of me and self will and just trying to channel this connection.

And that's the dying to self.

That was really relaxing.

Yeah.

Yes.

It's really exciting because at first I'm like,

I wasn't thinking about Jesus.

I was thinking about Buddhism.

I was like,

That's so Buddhist.

Oh,

It's great.

Yeah,

It's applicable across.

I guess it's a really common.

I'm like praying that that part of me will die.

Yeah.

All the time.

So I was like,

Oh,

Great,

Good death.

That's great.

It's gonna happen.

And then I have a big plug for saying that prayer at the dentist.

I've had to be in the dentist a lot.

And like I said,

I have so much emotional stuff,

Jangled up with people being in my mouth.

And if I it's not a prayer that can just slip right off my tongue.

I have to pause and think about each line.

It puts me into this mindset.

And I have set it on repeat at the dentist.

And it works.

I can't believe that you had that memory.

I like thought you're gonna pull out your phone and like read that.

And then I'm like,

Oh,

My goodness.

She's had that memorized for years.

Yeah.

I had someone suggest to me that I memorize it.

And then she actively made sure that I memorized it.

I love those suggestions.

Yeah.

And I'm so grateful because it's been a real tool in my life.

It's helped me a lot.

It helps me a lot.

Yeah,

I guess just to recap for what was going on with me.

Tell us about your coffee moment.

This morning.

Oh,

Okay.

Oh,

I haven't heard this.

Okay.

Annie,

I was just telling.

So this has to do with,

You know,

Some for a long time,

We're gathering things and then wondering when we're going to change or if it's possible or how's all this going to happen.

And then for me,

It really seemed like I just wasn't ever going to be able to kind of shift some of my uncomfortable mindsets,

Like Ella was talking about that just feels so hard wired for me,

Just to be angry and upset and then to also have reasons for why that is like if something happens,

Then it's okay for me to blow up the whole rest of the day.

And this morning,

This amazing thing happened and I feel like I've gone through like this profound alteration to the my reaction of life,

Which feels like a complete I just could not and I've had little ones along the way but today I was like,

I have died and been reborn.

You had a spiritual awakening.

I did.

Oh my gosh.

Okay,

Ella buckle up.

So excited.

This is killing me.

I was at the gym,

Of course,

And it's time for us to do like our big heavy lifting and I go over to change my shoes.

And I see that my bag has fallen over and I see that it's completely wet.

And I think that's weird.

And then I remember that to take great care of myself today,

I made an extra big coffee.

And I put it in what I thought was a container that one could trust.

Go ahead and cue the trust issues.

And I see that my coffee is completely spilled in my bag with my laptop and my bag that has everything in it.

And this is where I realized I'm a different person.

I looked at that I pulled my laptop out.

It was dry gratitude just kicked in.

It just Mike because of the gratitude list.

My mind just went,

Oh,

Oh,

Good.

My laptop's dry,

Maybe.

Okay.

And then I look at my bag and I understand the timing and I'm like,

Oh,

I don't have time to deal with this right now.

And these are such big shifts and changes for me because before what it would have looked like is,

Oh my God,

I am such an idiot,

Right?

Like making ourselves bad,

Right?

Like all of a sudden I am bad because of this thing that happened and I would really get into it.

I would just,

I would be so upset and I'd be so bad.

And then I'd spend all my time like throwing whatever's in the bag.

I'm throwing it now.

I'm just throwing it.

So I'm like making a big emotion and I'd be so upset and then I wouldn't be able to do I wouldn't be able to move my workout.

I couldn't focus on anything,

But like the internal bits would just be like,

I could not get over this thing that happened.

And then it would also,

You know,

This is my fault and I'm bad and I'm wrong and I need to list all of the ways of how this happened,

How it could happen again.

So that I,

I,

In essence,

I really thought that if once I figured out all the pieces that went here,

Then I could essentially control the world and never have coffee spill in my bag again.

That was like my big,

This is how I'm going to handle all of this.

This was my way of being in the world controlling and so that nothing like this would ever happen again.

Sounds really relaxing.

It's so,

It's so interesting that I'm a scream talker.

I can't understand why.

So as I get to learn more about myself and try and implement different things,

It was so amazing to feel kind of like this integration of,

Okay,

This thing happened.

Gratitude came in.

Things are okay.

I can't deal with this now.

I went and did my workout.

And I also,

The piece was,

I also got to really leave that there.

Like I just left that there.

I can't deal with this right now.

It doesn't mean that I'm bad or wrong.

It's just something that is there.

I'm going to go and do the thing that's in front of me now.

And then I came back to it and I said,

I kept being like,

Oh,

It's okay.

I have plenty of time to clean this up right now.

Because there was a part of me that was like,

Oh,

This bag lives like this now.

You are full of coffee.

The snacks that are in there are now,

They live like that.

It's trash.

It's in my bag.

I'm not going to deal with it.

And I heard myself doing that and I thought,

Oh,

There is plenty of time for you to go and clean up the bag.

And I like had this moment where I took plenty of time and cleaned out the bag.

And I really realized that this before would really break me.

And it wasn't so much about,

It's not even about the coffee.

It's not even about what happened.

I don't have it all worked out,

But it's me making this about me and it being bad or wrong.

And then me just,

I'm just trying to protect myself by figuring out how this could ever happen again.

And that's the thing about life.

We don't get to choose what's going to happen and we can't prepare for every single little thing.

So it really truly is,

Is how can I show up in this moment as it is right here right now?

Amazing.

It's just great.

My brain just exploded.

I know mine too.

That's why I had to shut up.

It's so great.

There's nothing left to say.

That was so great.

Thank you guys both for sharing those amazing tools and stories.

I'm going to do something a little different.

Which is let you guys know where I am really struggling to pick up tools.

Because that's just where I'm at.

And one part is that,

Like I said,

I've been using food to self soothe.

And if you are,

Have experience with that cycle,

You know how messy and uncomfortable and unsustainable it is and how much shame and self loathing and other stuff can just kind of naturally,

It's like a Petri dish for those things,

You know.

I have been having a really hard time accepting that I'm doing that,

Accepting the impact it's having on my body and being inside my body.

And what I notice when I'm eating food that feels good to eat and takes care of my body is that I actually have an easier time being present in my body.

And I noticed that when I'm eating food that like donuts,

Which has been my spiritual tool,

It's been my number one spiritual tool.

It has been my food of craving for quite a while now,

That when I'm eating stuff like that,

That I actually I make myself feel so uncomfortable inside my body that I don't feel safe being in here.

And you know,

That cycle just repeats itself,

You know,

If you don't want to be in here,

Then you have more reason to want to check out.

And if you're using food to check out,

Then you have more reason to pick that up.

And the more you do it,

The less you want to be in here and blah,

Blah,

Blah.

The tool that really works for me for not hurting my body is to actually be in here and experience what it feels like and to to be really present with the whatever the pain is or the discomfort or sometimes even the pleasantness that I get to experience inside my body.

And I feel so averse to doing that right now.

I'm just like,

This is awful,

And I don't want to be in here.

And so that's one that I'm really having a hard time with picking up.

But I'm going to see right now since I have this magical spiritual tripod accountability around me,

What it feels like to come into my body right now.

And notice that my left neck and shoulder really hurts.

That my hips are aching,

My back hurts.

And I noticed that the little dress I put on to make myself feel like a human is kind of pulling around the chest area when I take a deep breath.

And I notice how there's still this kind of deep ocean floor,

Okayness inside my body even with the other stuff that's happening.

Hmm,

Thanks for helping me be in here for just that moment.

And reminding me that it's it's still safe.

It's still safe.

The hardest part is to kind of downshift out of that escape mode into wanting to be present for what's happening right now.

And that the downshift is the part that hurts the most,

You know,

It's the part that is the hardest.

But once I'm in here,

It's like,

Oh,

Right,

This is why it feels safer in here.

And the other thing that's happening that I don't understand.

I mean,

It's connected for sure to self esteem and self worth and this kind of broken idea that self soothing has to be harmful to be effective,

Where I I get home and I'm kind of like,

Oh,

I have an opportunity to quote unquote,

Rest.

But then the way I do that feels icky.

And it's like being in bed for it's a lot of kind of stuff that I used to experience when I would get into these really long,

Deep depressions,

Where I know that the time for quote,

Unquote,

Resting in this particular way has passed.

And that to like,

Stay in bed and keep watching Netflix is not going to feel good.

But then I do it anyway,

Pajama suit pajama suit.

And so I've been kind of in this place where it's like,

Oh,

It would feel really like nourishing to like,

Go for a little bike ride or a walk or,

You know,

Get to be in a place with some of my other spiritual community and talk about what's going on or tell the truth or show up and see what's happening for someone else.

And then I just don't do it.

I'm real,

I get real stuck.

And some days I just kind of get to the point where it's time to go to bed.

And it's like,

Well,

I'll try again tomorrow.

You know,

Or like I almost get to that point.

And I write a little I do a little bit of writing and kind of look at what's happening inside my mind.

And I share that with Lindsay and Annie,

And then I go to sleep and try again tomorrow.

But I'm really hoping for myself that I don't have to I don't have to cause extra suffering.

And I really want to be able to get that information from my spirit and body and mind that like,

To continue doing this is not going to feel good for me and then to do something else.

But I'm not there right now.

So it has really helped me to,

Since I'm not there right now,

To see what it could be like,

If I just let it be okay.

That's the tool I have been able to pick up is what if it weren't a problem that I didn't quote unquote accomplish anything after I got home from work or whatever.

And and I have this intention and this wish to take good care of myself and to allow myself to suffer less and I just need help.

I need help doing that and I'm not sure how it's gonna look but that is where I'm at with real life struggles and messiness today.

Thanks,

Ella.

Thank you so much.

I can really relate so much to that.

My friends,

My friend had a word for that state for that like in bed sweaty pajama suit state.

Smeege,

S-M-E-E-G-E.

So hashtag Smeege.

Smeege Queen.

That's my inside name for myself.

So you can borrow it if you want.

Ladies thank you so much.

So great.

So relaxing.

Trying stuff.

Perfect.

You know,

It's just great.

We really hope that you are doing well out there wherever you are.

Go ahead and let us know how it's going for you.

You can visit us at our website prettyspiritualpodcast.

Com or at Pretty Spiritual Podcast on Instagram and Facebook and I want to tell you some of our upcoming episodes that we're gonna do.

So you can get excited.

You're gonna get so excited.

Because we've been doing a lot of work.

We have been doing a lot of work.

One is gonna be about money.

Oh my god,

I'm so uncomfortable.

One I think is gonna be about attitude and another one and this was a request from Kate R.

Was change and transformation.

So those are all upcoming soon.

Yes they are.

I think we're gonna have to take a week off.

Yeah we're gonna do some traveling,

Some pulling it together.

My brother's getting married so some fun family stuff.

Pawnee's officiating a wedding.

Oh I am officiating.

In between the Oklahoma meat tour,

Right?

You're gonna officiate the wedding.

Oh yes I am having an Oklahoma meat tour.

You best believe me.

That's the part I'm most excited for.

Not meat and greet.

Not meat and greet but barbecue.

My wannabe vegetarian is very upset with myself but this is happening.

Thank you all so much for joining us.

Thanks,

We love you.

We love you.

See you there.

Reviews

Lindsey/Ella/Annie:
Great one. If you like the prayer of Saint Francis, then I suspect you would really enjoy the song. There are lots of versions including one by Sarah McLachlan but this one is solid https://youtu.be/LeHzzH5zXSI Please note that insight timer also has some versions of it. Also he was a real dude. He is sometime caricatured / typecast as talking to birds but he was far more than that. There was a recent documentary about him. When everyone else in his group was killed he chilled and hung out with the sultan of Egypt during one of the crusades I think. Do your own fact checking but reading about folks like him can be more insightful than you might imagine. Don’t ever change. 😀☯️ Neil