Then And Now: Change

2020 has changed the world. From global pandemic to Black Lives Matter to shifts in this sweet podcast. Pretty Spiritual Podcast paused for months to reflect on our role in this new landscape. Our dear Ella will not be participating in Season 2, but Annie and Lindsay Poni are here for you—sometimes with guests!—to share experience and spiritual tools, laughs and tears. This episode will talk these transitions and the spiritual tools we're using to navigate huge change. Join us, we missed you!

Transcript

You've arrived at Pretty Spiritual Podcast where we examine everyday life and attempt to make it spiritual.

We share personal stories and practical tools to connect and grow.

Come on in.

Thanks for joining us here on Pretty Spiritual Podcast.

My name is Lindsay Poney.

Hey,

Lindsay.

And I am here with Annie.

Hey,

I'm Annie.

Hi everyone.

We are back.

And by we,

I mean Annie and I are back.

It's no surprise that with the way of the world,

Big changes are happening inside and outside of our lives.

Small changes in the setup of our podcast are tiny compared to the huge changes we need to implement within our spiritual lives.

And that's why y'all are here,

Right?

You're here for tips and tools and how we share our experiences of how to live more meaningfully and spiritually.

The great news is we are showing up to continue to provide,

Attempt and provide you awesome,

Insightful real life attempts at taking our very intimate personal world into the light and attempting to bring in more spirit,

More heart,

More compassion,

More understanding.

So many attempts.

More we need so much more.

We truly believe that when we change ourselves,

We have the potential to change the whole world,

Even if it is only tiny increments.

So let's get back to it.

What do you say,

Annie?

I think that's great.

And we just want to say thank you everybody who waited with us and supported us and let us know that you missed us as we have been going through all these changes.

Oh my gosh.

It has been so helpful.

Yeah,

We just didn't,

We weren't sure where things were going to go.

And that's definitely what this episode is about right now is how things were then,

You know,

When the podcast started and how things are now,

The inevitable changes that happen and are happening,

Huge changes,

Obviously in our country and countries around us.

And then the changes that are happening within us,

Whether it be internally or externally interpersonal.

So let's attempt to live spiritually and intentionally one moment at a time.

And today we will talk about changes,

Big life changes,

Small life changes,

What the podcast was like before and what we're hopeful that it will be like moving forward.

Annie,

Let's have you start off with the then and now of the podcast experience or changes.

Thank you,

Pony.

And yeah,

What a interesting episode to make.

We wanted to acknowledge this transitional period as we shift the format of the podcast and Ella's not working on the podcast with us anymore.

And so we just wanted to make this transitional episode to kind of honor the shift and Tony and I were talking about what should this first episode back be like?

What do we talk about?

And the topic Pony picked was so perfect of then and now because there has been this distinct shift in all of our worlds with the quarantine going on,

A global pandemic here in the United States,

There's been this massive movement around civil rights and black lives matter as our country really starts to talk openly about racism for the first time that I've ever seen in a way that is really opening up my eyes.

So there's these huge external shifts that are happening like Pony has said,

But then there's all these smaller shifts that are happening for us too.

So we thought,

What if we put it in the framework of this podcast,

What it was like then and what it's like now.

So for me,

Just personally within the context of the podcast,

When we started making it,

We got together in July of 2018 and started talking about it and we were experimenting and creating and then we put together and put out our first episodes in early 2019.

So throughout 2019,

We worked at a super intense pace for,

We put out about 50 episodes in a year.

We were working it out.

Yes,

We will.

And it was such a wonderful time,

But it was also a really huge emotional output.

We put a lot of love into creating this and the energy of this kind of always running in the back of my brain of what am I going to talk about?

How am I going to say this?

What am I going to share?

What tools am I working on?

Which is all wonderful,

But it is a big energetic effort.

Emotional labor is so tiring and that is what we come and do and just unzip ourselves.

We unzip.

We unzip.

And so it was wonderful,

But it was also,

It was a lot of work.

And through that time I was very focused on myself.

I was doing all this growing and learning about myself and some old things that were woven inside of me.

And it was just like me looking at me,

But in the forum of the internet.

So it was highly personal,

But then super public.

And so it was wonderful and a lot of work.

I was thinking of all that of like,

That's what it was like then.

Like that was the 2019 snapshot for me of this podcast.

And then as this quarantine started to hit and all of us started to retreat inward and then Black Lives Matters really started to be this very real conversation that was happening or it has always been happening in the United States,

But I started to become more educated about it.

I realized that our podcast,

For me,

It was really us three talking about us three and how interesting now that we have this shift going on and I've had some of this internal healing happening.

What if,

Although it's really sad to transition and not have Ella work with us,

What if this is also a way for us to have some different voices and perspectives and experiences via guests just so it's not us,

Our three voices continually,

We can bring in some new.

.

.

Echo chamber.

Yeah.

Some new experiences,

Whether that's whatever that looks like.

And it's still us as Pony says,

Talking about shiz,

That's my clean word.

That's right.

Talking about shiz and making it spiritual.

But I have been feeling and I was feeling before all the events of 2020 happened.

So I had been feeling this strong call inside of me to make some kind of shift with the podcast and I didn't know how to identify what that was,

But I just sensed this urge within me to grow in the podcast.

And then all of a sudden all these external changes happened that forced the change and it's not what I predicted,

Is it ever.

But it kind of felt like God saying,

Okay,

Here you go.

Here's the chance to change and grow.

This is what this looks like.

Get ready.

Get your pants on.

This is what this looks like.

It's time to party.

Or take your pants off.

However you party.

However you're comfortable partying.

So that is the then and the now for me in the context of the podcast and also just in the context of what's been happening in the world.

What about you,

Pony?

Oh my gosh.

Thank you so much for doing some really big broad strokes that have been impacting me in a way that I don't really have the words to talk about that.

But what I do know is because of a lot of the absolutely political and really important things that are going on right now,

It really put into perspective for me what we are doing here.

And it gets difficult for me to understand how to continue doing this podcast for me has been,

I mean,

Just such a healing journey that was the whole showing up and like looking at my liabilities and my capabilities and then seeing what I needed to work on and then getting to bring that having accountability with you ladies and then getting to show up and really talk earnestly about my experience and what was happening and then the tools that I was implementing did so much amazing work on me that I grew in so many ways.

And at the same time,

It's been hard to,

Life just feels bigger in a way and I don't want to be so self-focused.

What I do like is that the more that I grow and the more wellness that I attain in theory,

I am going to be able to do more of the work that feels really important right now.

I think with the Black Lives Matter,

This is something that we're going to talk about for a month.

This is like at least a 10-year marathon that I'm willing to really put in as whatever work I can do,

Whether it's quietly in the background or educating myself.

And there's so much to say on that,

But what's helped me from then until now is that when we started doing the podcast,

I felt like I was showing up and this has shown up a lot in my healing work lately,

Where I will have this great idea or I will recognize a tool or some part or piece inside of me that could use some healing or some work and I will think,

Oh,

How can I bring this to other people and help them?

Should I do a meditation for other?

And in the beginning,

Whenever I would show up to do the podcast,

It was,

I have to show up for our listeners.

I have to show up and have the answers and know how to do this.

And it has been a really sweet looking from then until now,

How much I've changed during the process in finding out areas I want to work on and learn about.

I'm having a spiritual experience,

Getting to know and accept myself on so many levels.

And now I get to show up authentically and clearly with what I'm working on and how it's helping me.

And I get to show up for me.

I get to do the work for me.

And I'm still willing to show up in this type of platform because of our listeners and how many people have sent in donations,

How many people have written to us,

How many people post and do the comments and say,

You have helped me see things and do things just by sharing.

It's so special.

It really is.

And because of that,

We talked a lot about,

We didn't know what was going to happen or which way we were going to be able to go.

And it really is truly because of our listeners that we have decided to show back up and come and do the work that we believe the spiritual path is for anybody.

And that's especially why we want to have other,

We have some guests,

We already have one in the bank,

In the spiritual bank.

And we have other guests we're really excited to bring to have more voices.

But the spiritual path,

The spiritual journey,

This healing work is for anybody that is willing to show up,

Be honest and try.

Yeah.

And you know,

We're providing some tools and yeah,

We're just so excited to continue on with what I feel like is a more,

I know for me personally,

Just a much more clear space of worthiness for myself.

And I think just having that is going to really be actually more useful for,

Well,

Myself,

But also the world hopefully.

So thanks so much for talking about that with me,

Annie.

And I guess we're going to move on into the tools section right now.

We're going to talk about tools that can be useful and helpful as you navigate and notice your life,

Your life transitions,

Changes,

What it's like in change and maybe some tools that can help you navigate that.

Yes.

I'm so glad.

One thing I want to mention that both Lindsay and I talked about in the context of then and now with the podcast,

And I think you approached it,

Pony,

When you were talking about being so focused on how you can help other people instead of just absorbing the tools into your own life and really doing that.

Lindsay and I both really talked about how we were so focused on wanting the audience to be happy,

That at a certain point we got a little disconnected from our own experience with it.

And so all of it was so well-meaning too.

The best intentions,

Of course.

Oh my gosh.

We have this little joke between ourselves where we say,

But I'm helping.

It's always my favorite.

So it's just,

I don't think anything will even change,

But it's just this slow internal pieces of awareness that are starting to happen.

So the topic of then and now and change is such a challenging one.

And so often I like change when I think I can predict the outcome,

When I feel really great about the outcome that I've predicted.

Favorite,

Favorite.

Favorite.

I got the winning lotto ticket.

Excellent.

And how scary it is for me when I can't predict the future.

And I know changes either here or coming,

And I don't know what it's going to look like.

And the ground underneath me is shaky.

And it's so much of what we talk about often of that practicing the inner resourcing,

Because I can't rely on the things outside of me to make me feel safe because they're changing.

And how true,

Especially now as the world is just really,

Things are wild for understatement of the year.

So my first tool is what if I just trust in a higher power?

And I know that sounds outlandish and concerning and potentially dangerous.

Like how could there be a higher power if this is what's going on in the world around me right now?

But there's this comfort that I may be able to find if I can put down my immediate fear of not being able to predict,

Manage,

Or control what's happening immediately.

And I just say,

I can trust that I'm safe today with my higher power.

And so for me,

That might come in the form of a little prayer that I say when I get scared.

And I mean that from everything from a global pandemic to being scared to not knowing how it's going to go with the new podcast format.

You know,

Like all those things can have an equal level of fear in me.

Maybe not an equal level of fear,

But just trigger that response in my body.

And then there's another tool that I've been practicing and it's this great sentence that my somatic therapist gave me and she said,

Annie,

Don't pathologize the struggle.

And I always want to chew apart my experience.

I want to poke holes in what I'm doing.

I want to find out what's wrong with me and then I'm going to fix it.

And I've been in,

Especially in quarantine,

There's been all this quiet time and these behaviors of mine have come up and I've really had a chance to see my inner teenager.

And I just turned 42 on Saturday.

That's right.

And it's like this concept of I'm this part of me that has been so young is growing up and I'm letting her grow up and I'm making room for it.

And I was lamenting the fact that I still had an inner teenager in me that was active and she said,

Don't pathologize the struggle.

Just be with it.

Like this is a normal and healthy process.

So that's my other tool is I've just been allowing change to be normal and healthy inside of me.

And this is like change,

Like the healing work Lindsey was talking about of growing and healing and like how she's changing.

I'm just watching myself as I kind of become more of an individual and like a process that a lot of people experience in their teen years.

And there's part of me that still hadn't maybe done that entirely.

This is your spiritual journey.

We don't need to compare and despair.

Okay.

Thank you.

Anytime's the right time.

Thank you.

So I just this process of individuation and just normalizing it and letting it be okay.

So that there's the one tool that I have where I'm just saying these really simple prayers when I get into fear about change that I don't have control over in the world.

And then there's just this acceptance that it's healthy and normal for me to change and grow.

Even if I'm curious about the timeframe,

Even if I think,

Wow,

That should have happened some odd years ago.

Oh,

On Annie's time.

On Annie's time.

So I've just been repeating that to myself.

Oh,

This is healthy and normal to change.

So those are my tools.

That's awesome.

Thank you so much.

Welcome to your forties.

That's right.

Welcome.

You've arrived.

You've arrived.

Oh,

Thank you so much,

Annie.

What I have to say,

Of course,

Piggybacks along a lot of that because for me with change obviously comes the fear.

And when I trace that back,

The fear is because I'm anchoring most of my life onto this certainty.

That's where my safety comes from if I can predict and manage what's going to happen next,

Then I have power and I get really addicted to that.

I love that illusion.

Yes.

And I'll even get myself in situations where I can predict and manage kind of the whole time,

Which keeps me whatever safe and small.

It just takes me a while to.

.

.

It's been really interesting in therapy to get to kind of unpack that and convince myself to move closer to discomfort.

And I'm building my tolerance for discomfort and mainly noticing that discomfort comes up when there's fear or there's uncertainty.

And so I'm trying to find comfort and tolerance for uncertainty.

I'm trying to build the refuge on uncertainty and change.

I just love that idea of finding refuge there instead,

Attempting to do that.

And a quote that's given me loads of comfort before I was ever ready to accept change and my lack of control,

Because for many,

Many years,

I would fight until I just was so tired that I had nothing left to do but accept.

And this quote really helped me quit fighting for as long usually.

And so I'm going to read it for you.

The bad news is you're falling through the air.

Nothing to hang on to.

No parachute.

The good news is there is no ground.

And this is Chag Yam Champa.

I tried hard.

I listened to that so many times.

Anyway,

I butchered it.

But you can imagine their name.

So that's helped me move closer.

And then another thing,

Whenever I've been like death gripped onto my ideas of how things have to be or the opportunity to grow,

Bless it,

Annie's always said to me with my death grip on my desires for the things to stay exactly the same way as they are.

But what if the other way is better?

Well what if it's better was when I had been with my therapist for over four years and it was really time for me to be able to change and grow and go into somatic therapy.

And without Annie saying that,

I probably wouldn't have left and it has just totally changed my life.

So I go back to that saying so many times.

Yeah,

It's my favorite,

But what if it's better?

Because that just was so like radical and profound to me.

Because of course it's not.

It's going to be horrible.

It's going to be worse.

It's tragic,

Freaky scary.

It's so interesting how much comfort I get in the familiar.

Another thing that's helped me is that I was reading and it's the same way that our brains complete the story just automatically.

It's just part of their structure.

So it's the same way for like when things happen that I can expect or predict completing the pattern,

It feels good.

It's just like part of the brains,

The way that it works to simplify things,

To make things quicker.

It's how it helps us.

But that's why this becoming aware is so useful because then we get into a different space that helps us to be able to see where the areas that we could actually,

It would be better for us to be a little uncomfortable right now.

So those are some of the things I'm working on in therapy.

And a whole other world opens up that may be better than my tiny plans and selfish desires.

One of the last practical tools that I'll share is a list when you're dealing with change.

You can make a positive list of what has happened since the change if you're not sure.

And then,

You know,

Because perhaps things really are better with change.

This is another way that I've been trying to look at and use my focus on most things is being really curious.

Just like,

Oh,

Is that so?

Or why is that?

Why do you think that?

Maybe it could be better this way and that environment of curiosity feels a lot more playful and easier to start to kind of tease out some of these things I want to look at.

But of course,

You know,

When I'm drowning in fear,

You know,

Then my mind just starts playing those certain whatever it is that it does to really just freak me out.

So willingness to look.

Yeah,

So those were my tools are really just the idea that maybe things could be better in a different way.

A new perspective.

I love the quote.

And then making a positive list of the things that could be if you did make some changes and how it could be better.

And I think with this episode,

You know,

I really wanted to,

Here I go,

Because I'm not perfect.

I'm completely changed.

But here's what it is.

I'm like,

Okay,

It's going to be then and now because we really need to let our listeners because we want to give them the same kind of certainty.

Yeah,

Feel good with what's coming for you all safe this season on Pretty Spiritual Podcast.

And the truth is,

Is that the best thing that we can do for you is to let you know that things are really uncertain.

We're doing our best,

We're going to show up,

We really hope that you can find some kind of solace or help or camaraderie or friendship.

You know,

We really are your spiritual best friends when we can show up and talk like this.

And as your best friends,

We want to let you know that things are really hard right now.

And if things are really,

We should really be uncomfortable right now.

We really should and we should find we should muster up and find the ways to self soothe,

Help ourselves and do what we can for what is coming because we just don't know what's coming.

And the more that we can find safety and security in the uncertainty,

Then we're going to be able to face whatever is and bear witness to whatever's coming that we don't know what that's going to be.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's okay.

It's totally okay.

And we're okay.

I think so much of my spiritual practice has just been learning to tolerate discomfort.

Because every part of my being before was like,

I'm uncomfortable.

I must fix it immediately.

I need something.

Give me something.

I need some thing.

You know,

And I would see it coming a mile away.

So I'd just be kind of gone for two or three weeks.

Because I like,

Oh,

Wait,

I think there's a feeling coming in about two weeks.

I see that on my calendar.

Well,

I know how to take care of this.

So it's really an honor and a pleasure to show up today in a way where we can attempt to try and look at these things that are really hard and really scary and show up together.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And fellowship.

And that is what we're going to continue to try and do.

Yeah.

We're helpful.

That's right.

We're very hopeful.

We have a lot of really cool episodes that we're excited about.

One of them,

We're going to just tease a couple.

Oh,

Yeah.

Tease them.

Yeah.

We love to do that.

We have some old journals.

So we're going to have a journaling episode.

It's going to be so juicy.

Yeah,

I think so.

Absolutely.

And then we also have another one coming up with a very special guest and called Owning Your Power.

Oh my gosh,

We're going to learn to own our power.

It's going to be so simple.

We're going to try.

We're going to try.

Yeah,

So we're really excited for what's to come.

And of course,

No promises,

But we're definitely building our tolerance for discomfort.

And we hope that you'll join us as we go into this new frontier bit by bit.

And we'd love to do it together.

Yeah.

I want to share one last thing.

The quote you shared,

Pony,

Was so amazing.

And I'm a very vivid dreamer.

And several years ago,

In the midst of a bunch of change,

I had a dream that I was falling,

That kind of free fall panic dream.

And halfway through the dream,

I realized I wasn't falling,

But I was flying.

Yeah.

And it was the first ever flying dream that I'd have.

And it was just this feeling of ease and freedom and kind of grace of like,

Oh,

This is the same thing,

But I'm just experiencing it differently.

It really reminds me of when I don't know how to trust,

Because I find myself there a lot,

That imagery really helps me to get that somatic body feeling of what trust is.

It's like,

Oh,

I went from just falling and flailing to flying.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love that.

Thank you so much.

And we love you,

Listeners.

Thank you for being with us.

Thank you for continuing on this journey with us.

We're so excited for what's in store as we traverse new spiritual landscapes and pathways.

And we are planning to come every two episodes a month.

That's our hope.

That's our hope.

We hope you'll join us.

And until then,

You can follow us on Insight Timer.

And if that's where you found us,

We love you there.

And if you'd love it,

Please leave us a view and comment if you found this helpful,

Because that helps us to connect with more people.

And of course,

You can do that on any of the platforms.

It would be so helpful for us if you would rate us and give us a review,

Obviously five stars.

I say we are probably four,

Too.

So either one of those is just fine or however you're feeling.

It helps us so much for what we're trying to build here.

And we can't wait till the next time.

We love you.

Bye.

Reviews

Love you ladies! You’re teaching me not only new tools, but new vocabulary 💚

Truly awesome episode. I can relate because you ladies are real!! Nothing sugar coated and I appreciate your absolute honesty and true feelings. My emotions run from one end of the spectrum to the other., and that’s ok. You’ve given priceless tools and they make sense. Thank you 🙏🦋🦋🙏Namaste🌷🌷

Looking Forward to the future with you both.

Looking forward to your new episodes! Love hearing you talk so honestly about the topics!

Love being on this journey with you all! You all make a difference in the way I choose to look at changes in today’s world.
Thank you! 🙏❤️🙏

Thank you Poney and Annie for keeping going despite all the change and challenges of this time. Such a joy to hear you both. I have always got so much strength from your podcasts and I look forward to the next stage ... having guests on sounds like a great idea!! love you ladies, love and blessings from your spiritual friendie 💖x

Welcome back Poni and Annie! I’m right here cheering you on as you begin this new phase in your podcast life. I’m so happy the two of you decided to continue the work! It is so needed. Love you ladies! 💜

Welcome back!!! I’ve been checking on y’all incessantly throughout the summer and was so happy to see on Instagram that you two would be back soon. Sending so much love and gratitude your way for continually showing up in resilience and authenticity. It’s been a tough year for most of us, and I’ve found the most solace in knowing we are not alone. Looking forward to going on this leg of the Pretty Spiritual journey with you! ♥️ ✨