Self Love

Join us this week as we talk about self love. What even is that? We’ll start simple with self “like” and share about how self compassion can help transform our experience. Then, of course, we’ll get practical talking spiritual tools, including self love meditation tips and some ideas for effective prayers to help us like and even love who we are right now.

Transcript

Thanks for joining us here on Pretty Spiritual where we're attempting the unthinkable about how to navigate this messy,

Beautiful,

Imperfect life with spiritual tools,

Principles,

And our own personal stories.

So we're not experts,

We're not religious,

We're definitely silly.

We're honest,

Real,

And willing to share.

So join us as we connect,

Bond,

And grow together.

Hi everyone.

Hi.

Oh,

Hi.

Oh,

Thanks so much for joining us today.

Go ahead and pull out the rose petals and the chocolates.

Some lavender oil.

Because today we are going to talk about self-love.

What's that?

Well,

Oscar Wilde describes it,

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

When I first heard this quote,

It was at a time where I was starting to realize that the relationship I had with myself was quintessentially a bad romance.

I really wondered where I would go from here,

Like once I realized that I was in much more of a self-hatred than a self-love with myself.

My question really was,

How does one go from self-hatred and loathing to loving?

To all our listeners out there,

What's your experience with self-loathing?

We'd love to hear your opinions.

You can connect with us online via Instagram or Gmail.

We're at Pretty Spiritual Podcast in all avenues.

You know that.

Please get in touch.

We want this to be a conversation all the way around.

We want to hear from you guys.

You can totally tell us that you love yourself and have always loved yourself and you have no idea what we're talking about.

Teach us your tricks.

Show us.

I'm so excited.

Show us.

Yeah,

So self-love to me,

Fondness,

Affection,

Devotion for oneself.

To be interested in myself half as much as I was obsessed with that loser that was a horrible person.

Seriously,

Where is a smidgen of that for myself?

Oh,

That's right.

I hated myself and I didn't know it,

Which was why I was having such a hard time tending to my needs.

In exploring this,

What I found out for myself is that self-love is the key ingredient to taking care of ourselves.

Totally.

No wonder I would choose the people that I chose.

I would do the things that I did coming from self-hatred.

Makes sense.

Ella,

Do you have any experience in loving or hating?

Yes,

Plenty in both.

It's a really uncomfortable topic,

So thank you,

Of course,

For exposing us to it and getting the conversation going.

Self-love was the cringiest phrase to me initially.

I was physically nauseated by it.

I was just like,

Ugh.

Sounds new age.

So new age.

I remember my Zen teacher suggested this really simple practice,

Which was just putting my hand on my heart and talking to myself in a sweet way.

I was like,

Oh,

I just vomited a little in my mouth and now I need to swallow it.

It was so- Self-love vomit.

Yeah.

It was so distasteful.

When I actually started doing it,

It was even worse because it felt super disingenuous.

I was like,

Who the heck do I think I am?

Nice save,

Ella.

Thank you.

Working so hard for that rating.

I started doing it anyway and it felt awful.

It felt worse and it was one of those muscles that I just practiced exercising.

Like so many spiritual actions,

It has morphed into something totally beyond the sum of its parts.

It has actually become this really sweet heartfelt thing for me now,

Even though at the beginning it did not feel like that.

One of the other things that I was just thinking of now,

Lindsay,

Listening to you talk about being available and showing up to witness our own experiences,

That has been a really transformative key ingredient for me.

How it used to be was I was so interested in what was happening for you over there,

Especially if I had a crush on you or even better if I had a crush on you and you were dating someone else.

I was like,

How can I be part of that?

What's happening over there?

That is fascinating.

A really important thing for me to do was to practice getting the most interested in my own experience.

I'll say more about that when we get to the tools discussion.

Miss Annie,

Do you want to tell us what's going on for you with self-love?

I love that you picked this topic,

Lindsay.

It was fun.

Whenever we have a topic,

We all think about it and we pray and we prepare and whatever our way is.

I had to think about what does self-love actually mean to me besides like we said this kind of phrase that I sometimes associate with sort of new agey stuff.

For me,

It took several years of having some clarity and having some meditation practice in a little room in my brain to realize that self-love was really murky for me.

The heart of having self-love was to admit the fact that I had been living with low self-esteem for a really long time.

That was really surprising to me because I have this part of me,

I call her Sparkle Annie and it's just like lots of like flash and sequins and gutter bravado basically.

I kind of had bought my own story,

But I didn't really realize it was like me running on getting other people to be stoked on the Sparkle Annie and then I could feel good about myself.

So it was this kind of empty,

It was very reliant on outside sources.

So it was after some years of meditation,

Cultivating quiet space in my brain and these spiritual inventory tools that I have now that I can see that approval seeking is like what it wasn't self-love,

I was just like hard and fast in that.

So this has been a slow practice for me and the opposite of self-love of that kind of like need for outside approval is really woven into how I think.

And so it's just taken,

For me the self-love comes as I am of service in a way that's genuine to the world around me instead of in a way of like trying to feel like get something or like a self-seeking way and staying with my right actions each day,

Behaving with integrity,

Like showing up when I say I'm going to show up,

Like being honest to other people and really truly to myself and also just trusting that I have a relationship with a higher power that loves me.

So that's kind of what my journey with self-love has been and like what it looks like now is it's just kind of admitting that there had been a deficit and that now I have these other tools to kind of fill up where that hole was.

You are sparkling so bright right now.

Wow,

You weren't even trying to sparkle.

Not even trying.

It's when we quit trying.

Right,

Well for me I'm going to start with a radical idea of instead of jumping into self-love how about self-like.

Yes.

How about infinitesimal movements towards the acting as if I could like myself the way I am desperately trying to get others outside of me to like me.

What you're searching for,

You're searching with and I've heard that so many times I've been like what?

So I'm just going to let it sit there.

What does that mean?

I've never heard that before.

Why I'm referencing it is because outside of me I'm looking to others to validate me,

To love me.

What I'm searching for is this love,

This validation I'm actually searching with.

So I actually need to make that you turn and turn inside and towards and if I don't find it from within I won't believe it even if I do get it and that has certainly been my experience.

I didn't believe you when you told me that I was lovable like deep down inside because I'd never even began to like myself I was like that's not true.

So I like that I'm saying I think it can mean so many things but it's one that I come back to a lot when I need to be guided home in a way.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Ask me anything.

So the question really is right like how?

And this is true I've asked Ms.

Google so many times.

How does one?

Excuse me Ms.

Google.

Ms.

Google.

Ms.

Google.

That's me typing.

Still no money for sound effects.

We think we're doing all right.

We're doing great.

How does one begin to love themselves?

And it quickly took me to the point where I was like oh my gosh I'm going to be a doctor how does one begin to love themselves and it quickly took me over to self compassion.

So then of course I had to clap clap clap clap clap clap.

How does one have what what is self compassion.

So I encourage you to Google all that because I really wanted the quick like cure all.

Always.

My favorite.

Spiritual Botox.

Surely it's right there.

I could implant self love the like huge mounds of self love.

Where can I get like a pick line a self love.

The question you know how to start loving yourself is still here.

And so how how does one begin.

Let's even just say towards self liking rather than self loathing and disgust.

That's my own personal.

That's where I see I need I was right.

We get it.

OK.

I have a really simple tool.

Tell us any.

This one is I think one we all use a lot but just being a service helps fill my self love bucket.

Yep.

So I'm a fan of thinking of and helping others when I'm really wrapped up in myself that will help shift away from like my critical self analysis.

And right now my favorite self like tool is curbing my misguided helper.

So a very wise woman suggested that I notice when this really critical voice goes on in my head that's constantly trying to quote unquote help me.

So it's like critiquing my behavior telling me how I should be different.

What would be better about me.

Who might not like me and why.

And it's just like this constant kind of like scan of the environment in or an outer that I do have like let me identify the problems.

And this person helped me see that that's actually this really misguided way of me trying to protect myself because if I can think of all the problems first then maybe I can solve them and I will be OK or like I won't get hurt or people won't.

Whatever I have control somehow with that really strange tool.

Like it's a broken tool.

It's a wheelbarrow with no wheels.

Still might try it.

Yeah.

Always.

So now it's it goes hand in hand with me for meditation because when my brain is really busy I have no choice but to just believe everything that I think.

And when I have a little bit of meditation I can calm down and get some space around the ideas.

So it's not if I have an idea come in my brain it's not just a fact because it's there.

So I can have a thought come into my head and then I can notice it.

And then the tool is saying I actually just kind of talk to it in my head and I say thank you misguided helper.

But that is not true.

I know you're trying to help or protect me but you are misguided.

So really brief example of this is I was doing my taxes super early.

Hooray.

And I'm writing down all these notes of you know what what numbers meant what.

So then I would have record of it later.

And I was looking at the way I was writing and like I have really free spirited handwriting and it kind of goes all over the page and it's never linear.

And I was looking at it and I realized that I've always thought every time I look at anything that I write I should write more orderly.

I should be more linear.

And if I did I would be smarter.

Like I think of this definitely.

Yeah I worked with her 10 years ago and I and she's so accomplished and I always compare myself to her and I'm like if my handwriting was better like hers I would be like her and just as accomplished.

And I had this as I was doing taxes this moment a clarity of like that is bananas.

Like that is actually crazy thinking.

And I said oh hey misguided helper.

Thanks for trying to like destroy my self confidence by critiquing my handwriting.

And it's what if it's just fine if I have missing handwriting and while you're doing your taxes holy crap.

So it's just this thing of like just because I think it's not a fact acknowledge that it's this misguided part of myself trying to help me and protect me.

But that's really an outdated tool and just be appreciative for who I am at that moment.

So that's my self love self like tool of the day.

I liked how you were talking about how the prerequisite for mindfulness practice is going to be discussed ad nauseam because how can we know what we think Phil or want and act on that knowledge rather than what we think others want from us.

A lot of my main tools I can't even talk about without the mindfulness piece.

This goes back to my people pleasing ways and how they get in the way of my own self love self like attempts.

This goes back to me searching outside of me what must come from within like we were talking about.

And so the tool that I'm going to share in all my Google searchings from before of how to get self love it started with needing to cultivate self compassion.

So like I talked about my research continued from there since I didn't know what that was.

And if I'm able this really echoes a lot of what Annie's saying.

But if I'm able to hear my critical inner voice I pause.

I challenge that voice and most time what's going on with the critical inner voice for me is that there's judgment of my experience.

I'm judging myself harshly for not knowing how to do things that I've never done before.

Makes so much sense.

You know because I was born I was supposed to be born knowing everything.

Perfectly.

100 percent.

Making a simple mistake in my calendar.

Oh how could I.

Oh so much judgment.

Not completing my morning routine and the list could be exhaustive.

What happens is I because of mindfulness sometimes I'm able to catch when I'm like judging my experience and I can pause I can label the judgment and I can put the self judgment down.

In that moment when I put my self judgment down this space opens up inside of me and in that space that's actually where self compassion is.

It's like just that simple.

All of everything that to be here can be here.

All of it.

But if I don't put the self judgment down then I just go back to my dislike of who I am what I am how this was.

You know just the depression spiral going down the drain.

When I'm contracted and tight and small that that self hatred has filled every space of me and there's no room for love and acceptance of exactly where I am right now.

But when I'm able to open and drop my judgment there's room for me to be human.

Fallible maybe lovable.

So lovable.

Definitely likeable.

I've gotten much closer to there.

Definitely lovable likeable.

So likeable.

L.

A.

I need your tool.

Okay let me get it out for you.

Oh it was in your pocket.

This whole time.

Wow.

It's been so great hearing what you guys had to say about that.

I love how you framed yours as like a misguided parent Annie.

The way that self love has been materializing for me like in real time is as this badass compassionate granny character.

And I was just remembering actually in the kitchen at the monastery I lived at there's a big altar and there are three discs and one says big mind and one says joyful mind and one says grand parental mind.

In the moments where I'm suffering so so much and oftentimes this is like related to physical pain or discomfort and I'm you know like my habit is to kind of try to get away to avoid to do all these things to like not be right there with what's happening.

And luckily what happens when I'm in pain like that is that eventually I hit a breaking point.

It's like you were saying Lindsay were like a pause happens and I've learned with a lot of practice to recognize that moment and to if I can like use that like little space opening up to put my hand on my heart and just pause and stop trying to get away you know and then I talk to myself in the voice.

This is this is kind of what I do to like wake up the granny the badass granny in my heart.

I start talking to myself in the voice I would talk to my dog with which is like the most loving gentle voice and I say stuff like I know it hurts so much right now or this is really hard or this isn't fair.

I say stuff like no matter what happens I'm not going anywhere and I'm going to take care of you stuff that I'm actually surprised I'm not tearing up because usually when I say those things aloud it like hits a it just hits a chord.

Practicing that pausing hand on heart tool that my Zen teacher suggested years ago it's kind of like given way to this really cool phenomenon this like badass granny heart voice.

I also want to say that like right now what is really alive for me in terms of self love is I can love myself when I'm doing it right you know I can love myself when I'm accomplishing stuff and I'm not dropping any balls I'm doing exactly what I said I would.

Okay cool but how do I love myself when I dropped all the balls I just can't you know I'm like falling down I'm not accomplishing stuff how do I love that too how do I love that just as much as when I'm doing it right and it is hard work it turns out.

The thing I I really love about Zen practice especially is that nothing is separate God the universe your higher power your practice whatever you want to talk about and that includes orgasms and bowel movements and eating and walking you know it's like every part of you is part of your spiritual life because it just all is so easy to love those orgasms oh yeah those are great.

Can I can I get some more.

And if I'm including everything in practice and nothing is separate then my higher power is just as much me falling down dropping balls not doing it right as it is whatever the opposite is of that there's something they say in Zen this very mind is Buddha and I really love that because it's like this very mind that I'm having right now with like all its judgment or shame or not doing it rightness or not doing it enough or not doing it fast enough like what if that's not separate or what if that actually is Buddha I'm like what there might be a mistake in the translation but I love that what you were just sharing Ellen I really relate to it because when things are OK or like you said I approve of myself it's so much easier to feel like I'm connected to the divine flow and I'm right and then when things are jangly and I'm uncomfortable and I'm having financial problems and I you know make mistakes or whatever it is then I'm like surely I'm wrong and I'm not connected to my higher power and that like ease in that space and maybe being more of a big picture of like this too is God yeah is a little bit scarier I am just going to thank Annie and Ella I'm really hopeful that today we were able to learn a little bit about ourselves and hopefully help some people out there that's really the main goal I hope you can take some time today and see what you could start liking about yourself let us know we want to hear oh we really do and I would love to tell you what I like about you yeah we'll tell you stuff we like about you too so let's get to know you get in touch yeah it's so easy we're at prettyspiritualpodcast.

Gmail.

Com Instagram is an easy way to message us oh it's so fun on there send us a puppy video and who's teasing get on the tease train baby our next episode up we're going to be talking about our daily spiritual practices and just what's our routine like and maybe we can learn from each other and we want to hear about yours too so we hope to see you next time love yeah love you so much bye

Reviews

Perfectly said.

Thank you for this! I am still learning to love myself and trying to help someone very close to me do the same and this podcast has been a huge help🙏🏻❤️

Really interesting discussion, thank you. Your discussion brought up many thoughts that I have about not being connected to the Divine when I " mess up" but yes I am still connected. Also talking kindly to myself as I would another and placing my hand on my heart ❤️ and reaching out with words of wisdom, love, not self blame or criticism but acceptance of me with all my flaws and insecurities.
It's all OK, I am OK.
Just go easy on myself and grant myself self love as I would to a dear friend. Thank you

Namaste 🙏🌟💖

I emailed you beautiful ladies! Love love this!!!!!

Absolutely amazing! I had lived listen to one of your prosperity pop cast and wanted to continue on listening to others and self-love popped out at me. Thank you so much!

I Love you guys in my morning routine. Your laughter and your experiences are so relatable.
I most always take away something. I
I thank you for that.

I loved this talk. You all sound so fun. I love the self talk tool and will use it for sure. Thank you!

So so very helpful!! Thank you all so much. Much love💖🤗

great. I really needed something to relax to last night and I found you guys. just been listening ever since as I'm going through a lot planning my wedding, medical school with my fiance and my sister is being a negative energy always complaining. this is just what I need right now.

thank you for making my days better

Love this, so grateful for you all, I was seeking for self love tools! How did we learn to hate ourselves so much? I would never treat a friend the way I have treated myself!

I’ve been meditating here in insight timer only under the search of “self love” for the past days and today I decided to listen to your podcast while embroidering; I should say at the beginning I didn’t understand you very much but as I kept listening I found that could relate to your experience towards self love and self loathe... loved your wonderful tools specially the grandmother 👵 voice💖 I need it that... I am doing my own research on self love ❤️ 😉

Stop judging your experience and start loving yourself when you aren’t doing things right! Preach ladies! I love the idea of speaking to yourself like you would your pet. Why didn’t I think of this before? Thank you for your wonderful tools and beautiful spirits! ❤️

Loved this. You are all so lovable 💓 thank you!

Love this. Love these ladies. Learning to love myself. ❤❤❤

Thank you Pretty Spiritual ladies, much appreciated

You guys are so much fun! And inspirational. Several times during every podcast I have the thought "What? You too? I thought it was just me!" I love your honesty and willingness to share all aspects of yourselves and your journey--not just the "good looking " aspects of your lives. I hope to someday have a circle of friends with the love and support that you so obviously have with each other. Until then I'll be sitting in on your podcast conversations as your silent, but very appreciative, friend :) Blessings to each of you!

Love getting all your different perspectives.
Thank you for sharing.
Tammy

Thank you so much for sharing this speech 🙏🏻❤️

Great practical ideas that blend the realistic with the spiritual!

I really connect with your episodes and can’t wait to hear more!