Projection Reflection

Are you trapped in projection? This episode explores the negative traits and unwanted emotions we project onto others, resulting in pain for all involved. Today we look to our shadow sides to help find our unconscious projections. Then, we share tools we're using for self-awareness so we can begin to unravel the painful narratives we have believed for so long. Our hope is for freedom! Join us!

Transcript

You've arrived at Pretty Spiritual Podcast,

Where we share our spiritual journeys to empower yours.

Come on in.

Yeah.

Okay.

No,

Seriously,

Come in.

Hello everyone.

Welcome.

I'm Lindsay Poney.

Hi,

Lindsay.

Hi,

I'm here with our beloved Annie.

Hi,

I'm Annie.

We are so glad to be with you here on Pretty Spiritual season two.

We are at the final of a three-part series.

So exciting.

And we have another three-part series lined up next time.

Isn't this amazing?

And honestly,

These all just kind of fall into each other,

But Hey,

What's so cool is that before we recently covered the inner critic,

Did you have a listen?

Are you listening now?

It's talking to you.

It's great.

Go listen to that one.

And then we,

For our second parter,

We tackled the cultivating inner safety.

So now for our grand finale,

We're going to evaluate and ponder the concept of projection.

Oh,

Some examples of projection.

You don't want to go out for the evening,

But you convince yourself that the other party finds you boring.

And that's why you cancel projection can be as simple as he,

She,

They,

They hate me.

Psychological projection is transferring ownership of your own troubling feelings to some external source.

You effectively trick yourself into believing that these undesirable qualities actually belong elsewhere,

Anywhere,

But as a part of you,

Annie and I will give some examples of how we have found ourselves projecting stories of the inner critic and our own feelings and beliefs onto others and the world in front of us.

We'll have some tools to help bring awareness to areas in your life that you may be projecting.

Even if all we do is simply shine some light of awareness around projections,

That is progress and great enough for today.

Annie,

Are you aware of your projections?

What shadow sides are you hiding consciously or unconsciously?

What stories are you transferring onto other people that are actually from you about you and that guide your behavior?

Oh,

So many good questions,

Pony.

Thank you.

And thank you for the intro.

Wow.

I have been thinking about this topic.

I there's a lot of ways to understand and learn about projection and also transference,

A term that you introduced me to that I was not aware of until now.

And often it's me taking my things I don't like about myself and then putting them on another person.

And in the context of this storyline we've been doing,

I've been thinking about it for this show in the context of how I take my inner critic and place my inner critic into other people.

So it's like I give them my own thoughts.

I imagine that I know what they're thinking about me.

So it's like I'm projecting my inner critic about myself onto them.

So I'm basically outsourcing my dirty work and then this achieves this really dubiously fantastic goal of once now this inner critic voice is inside of another person.

Now it's really a fact,

Right?

It's not just me thinking about me.

It's,

Well,

They think it too confirmed.

I knew it.

Gosh,

I'm smart.

Even though I'm so dumb,

I'm smart,

Right?

For podcast listeners,

You have all heard me share about this.

And one of my favorite insecurities and inner critic topics is around my writing career.

So this is not a new topic.

Every time I try to grow or do something new creatively,

This inner critic really flares into life.

And then I go and project it onto people around me.

The places I'm pushing myself to grow right now are I'm in the stages towards publishing my first book.

I'm outlining the ideas for my second book.

And I created this writing newsletter and that one's the most tender because I've invited,

I invite people to sign up for it,

Which feels so embarrassing.

Like,

Oh my gosh,

This is so right for my inner critic.

So I'm outside of my comfort zone and I'm really hopeful and excited,

Like,

Yay,

I'm growing and I'm trying something new,

But also there's this shame and this fear and this inner critic saying how embarrassing you're asking people,

You know,

To sign up for your newsletter.

They only do it because they like you,

But your writing's terrible.

They just do it because they feel bad for you.

Not because you have any worthwhile talent to share it.

Whoa,

Really heavy stuff to manage these thoughts in my brain.

What I have noticed as a result,

Working on this particular episode is that I am projecting these ideas.

I I'm not comfortable with saying that's is what I think about myself or I am obviously cause I'm doing it,

But I can't reconcile that quite yet.

So I'm finding random people that I know subscribe to this newsletter and I'm imbuing them with my thoughts that I'm having.

And I'm saying,

Oh,

They,

This person definitely thinks this,

Oh,

This is what they're thinking.

And then I get to get filled with the shame and discomfort because it's a fact.

Also I get a pretend I'm a mind reader,

Right?

Classic projection.

I love this example so much.

I right.

For real know what they're thinking.

Fact,

Fact,

Fact,

Fact,

And there's this power in that too.

This weird kind of power where I'm totally disempowered by my insecurities,

But all of a sudden I projected onto somebody else and I can read their mind and I have this knowledge and somehow there's strength in that.

I don't know the circle comes around and then I'm like,

Gosh,

This is really embarrassing.

Get out while you can save your last remnants of pride.

And I have seen this cycle in my life many times before where I will get the courage to try to start doing something.

And this coupled with a myriad of other.

Exciting things happening,

Mentally health and emotionally caused me to essentially abandon things because I get full of fear and insecurity and proof that my shame is founded.

Fortunately,

This trip that all of us have been taking on this podcast,

These last few episodes,

I just had this opportunity to really look at it and realize I do have tools for this that I have been learning and that I have been practicing even if not necessarily so consciously.

And now I can put the pieces together and say,

Oh,

This is me projecting.

Here's these tools I have the end result.

If I don't do this,

I don't take care of myself.

I potentially could abandon something that means a lot to me.

This is okay,

But here I have some solutions.

So if you are also experiencing anything like this,

Whatever the example,

Try them too,

And we can track them and see if we're not,

Even if we can't completely extinguish the voices and the projections,

We can at least quiet them so we can move out of the quicksand and keep growing.

I feel like these parts of me,

This is me and these pieces that want to come out.

And when I use the tools and I grow awareness,

I have the opportunity to become more me more fully kind of step into things that I'm called to do,

Regardless of the outcome.

There's a lot cooking.

I'll share my tools in the tool section pony.

Why don't you tell us what you have been learning about during this podcast research?

I really appreciate how the story arc of this came about and that it was the inner critic and then cultivating inner safety and then projection because I really like how we get to come back to the inner safety and like cultivating the inner safety.

So these other,

We can gain awareness of the inner critic and our projections and we can keep creating this inner safety coming back to tending and being with what's here.

So it's like the interplay of the inner critic,

Creating the safety we need,

The understanding and seeing the projection and those still kind of going on and maybe them not being so overblown the inner critic,

Not being able to hear the stories or their old stories,

Or I just believe the stories and then I'm projecting them onto other people so they can confirm these old stories that I don't know that I'm telling.

It's so wild for my examples.

So cool what we do here on the podcast,

You know,

It's like,

Oh,

This is brand new,

You know,

And I'm learning this and finding out about it.

And recently I think I've talked about this before,

But I didn't realize about pet trauma and I didn't realize how horrendous my pet trauma was until I kind of started telling friends about some of the stories that I have about our beloved pets that happened and then how that might play onto today.

The animal trauma for me,

I didn't realize that I was believing that if I got an animal today,

That it would be tragically maimed in front of me.

And that was my current reality.

Anytime I thought about having an animal or getting an animal,

It's going to be some horrible thing that's going to happen in front of me.

And then I lived,

I just projected that past onto the future.

And that's how I lived essentially cutting out,

Not having an animal.

I was just like,

Oh,

I know how to never feel this again.

Thank goodness for the pandemic.

And someone had me house to the cat.

And then I got their cat,

You know,

It's so funny,

This bigger interconnector stuff that happens that gets to keep us moving on the path.

That was one of the examples.

And then the bigger example that I wanted to talk about that I've been coming up against.

And I'm so grateful my partner and I have a couples therapist and I just want to say,

Wow,

Thank God.

And I was really concerned about getting a couple of therapists.

What does this mean?

What is it going to,

Oh my God,

The stories and the inner critic.

I am so grateful to have the support of this person that holds our relationship for us and shows us we're on the right path working towards things.

So that was just a little plug of course,

For every type of therapy that you could ever possibly get in the world.

I'm such a fan.

What I've been learning in there is that so that like,

We've been talking about these inner critic stories that create my inner world that I'm,

I'm steeped in them.

And I there's like those sirens that I don't know that they're calling me over.

And then all of a sudden I already like live on the island and I've been with these sirens all of this time.

That's how I've been thinking about these inner critic stories.

And then the projection piece is that I believe these stories,

I live these stories,

And then I project it onto my partner as these are his stories.

So as I'm doing a very simple thing,

Since we did get that new cat,

Since I'm willing to go around the pet trauma and just see it's more of like,

A lot of cleaning up litter boxes.

And as I'm cleaning up the litter box,

I don't realize it.

But I'm hearing like,

I'm unworthy.

I'm not doing this right already.

That's like going on.

But I have I'm in complete denial that I have no idea that that's going on when my partner is just curious to what I am doing.

I go into attack mode,

I hear him,

I project onto him.

So it's as though I'm hearing it as him being like,

You're doing that wrong.

What are you doing over there?

Notice even the tone is my partner doesn't even have that tone.

So upsetting.

He's like,

Worked very hard to not be aggressive and defensive in his communication.

And it's me that projects my own tone onto my partner.

I'm unworthy.

I'm unleavable.

I'm doing it wrong.

That's what my partner is telling me.

That's what I'm projecting onto him.

I can't even say to him,

Oh,

I'm cleaning the litter box right now.

Instead,

I'm like,

What?

What's wrong?

What I do.

That's not really the place that either one of us wants to communicate from.

And it is what starts this whole other cycle that actually really leads back into more inner criticism,

More confirmation of my stories,

These really old core beliefs that are here.

It's really interesting because these abandonment fears,

Even with like the animal,

It's weird to think that like the animal trauma is kind of an abandonment fear.

But it was this thing that was here that I loved is gone now ripped away from me.

And then with my partner,

These abandonment fears are become manifest destiny.

You're going to leave me.

You don't love me.

I'm unworthy as I create this distance and disconnection from my partner as I'm projecting my inner critic stories and beliefs onto him as truth and confirmation as coming from him.

It's confusing.

It's really confusing for my partner,

I suspect.

And for me to try and like dismantle and understand this,

That's as it's going on.

Trust me,

It's actually like two days later when my nervous system has calmed down and I'm like confused with myself.

So a lot of back work,

Which we'll get into as we are moving towards the tools so that we can see that this isn't all,

Oh,

I get it.

I got it.

It makes perfect sense.

Logically,

I understand what's happening.

So of course,

Metaphysically,

It's no problem for me to like,

Interconnect to the two and just be this whole being on all planes.

Now we need some tools.

We need them here.

We need them now.

We need them tomorrow.

We need them yesterday.

We'll see if we can put them in the old toolbox and know when to use them or plant them as seeds and see if they grow.

I like that idea of planting them as seeds.

Thanks pony.

I had so cool what I'm cleaning the litter box.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

I'm so abused.

It's amazing that you have awareness.

What a miracle.

It really is.

Well,

I have an example from today because nothing like the present,

Right?

Oh yeah,

Baby.

I'm outlining this idea for a second book.

So this morning I'm researching San Francisco high society.

This whole plot revolves around this romantic crime caper and all these super fancy galas and mansions and the social set of ESSA and pretty soon this little voice starts creeping in.

There's no way you'll pull this off.

This book will be ridiculous.

Anyone who reads it will know that you are making them all of this and don't even have access to this community.

You know,

Nothing about it.

So I stepped away from my work area and I just started to get consumed by this inner critic voice.

And then I started to imagine the people that I've picked out as my projection people looking at the premise for this book,

Being like,

She's so ridiculous.

Thanks that she can do this.

This is terrible.

Oh my gosh.

And then I have also been thinking about this episode and I said,

Oh,

Annie,

Oh,

You're projecting.

Oh,

You have some tools.

Let's think about some tools.

The first one has so much to do with cultivating inner safety.

First I realized I'm really tired right now.

I'm very fatigued.

And when I am tired,

It makes it very easy for me to be out of my body and out of my own brain.

And I've been using caffeine and music,

Like really high energy music to try to force my brain to be clicking on all cylinders.

And that makes it even easier for me to separate and think that I'm in someone else's brain and think that my projections are true.

So I set a timer.

I laid down,

I couldn't sleep because I'd been drinking caffeine,

But I closed my eyes for 20 minutes and I put just laid in a very restful position and use this relaxation technique.

Someone's taught me that organizes my brain so that when I lay down,

I don't spin out in my brain.

And I just repeat four things I've done that day.

Four things I'm grateful for four ways.

I saw my higher power in my life today.

And four times I could have used my higher powers help today.

So I just keep cycling through those four bullet points of four and it just kind of sued my body.

So my nervous system.

So that was the first tools I just rested to get back into my own body and my brain.

And then the second one was I got up from my lay down and I used some self soothing talk and I said,

Annie,

You're scared.

No one will like your writing because you're scared.

It's not good enough.

You know what?

I love you.

No matter what happens with this book,

No matter what happens with your newsletter,

You're valuable.

And this is important because you feel called to do it.

I love you.

And I had like a little baby cry just to tiny it,

But just kind of acknowledging that these are my fears.

These aren't things other people are thinking.

And what if it's okay?

What whatever happens,

Even if I think,

Quote,

The worst case scenario,

Which surely isn't the worst thing that could happen,

Right?

What if I am valuable and lovable regardless?

I did that.

And then this is a tool that's helped me a lot over the years,

Which is visualization.

I'm very much have this idea that I can sense what other people are feeling or sometimes feel that I know what they're thinking and who knows how much of that is delusion or not.

But at one point I felt like this cosmic jellyfish who was kind of untethered and I would like slip my way across time and space and be inside another person's body and feel what they're feeling and think what they're thinking.

And so this projection I've been doing about this creative writing has been this minor variation of that,

Right?

Where I'm sure that I know what somebody is thinking.

So someone,

When I described myself feeling like a jellyfish,

Someone said,

Why don't you envision yourself as a redwood tree?

So you're rooted and you're in your own space in your own time.

And now less than those kinds of ideas of animals and trees,

I just picture myself energetically pulling my energy back into myself.

When I realized after having that little lay down,

Doing the self soothing talk,

And I was like,

Wow,

I'm in imaginary people's brains right now.

Powerful.

Can you pull yourself back in me?

Any,

Can you kind of come back into your body?

And there's these two free meditations that are on insight timer that I really like that may help you also for visualization strategies.

And one is called the empath meditation by Michelle chalfant.

And the other is theta healing meditation for empaths by Simona,

Devore,

Kova.

And both of those,

You know,

You don't have to identify as an empath to use them there for any person.

And but they really have this neat visualization for imagining scattered energy and then pulling it back inwards.

And that really helps me with this projection.

Because if these pieces of me aren't floating all over,

I can actually just be in my body and go back to that self soothing talk and be like,

Oh,

Any of these are your thoughts,

And they make you really uncomfortable.

And why are you having them,

You're trying to avoid what you think it would be the scariest thing,

Right that you do this,

And it's a total flop.

So you come up with all these other strategies to avoid that.

But also,

All these strategies are super painful.

When I can just acknowledge what my fears are and soothe them,

Then maybe I can still have the courage to keep walking forward,

Instead of getting mired down.

So those are the tools that I'm working with today.

Real time.

What about you,

Pony?

What have you been working on?

Oh,

Those are so awesome.

And I love I know that we're thinking of ourselves as grounded redwood trees,

Of course,

But the cosmic jellyfish I mean,

Come on how fun.

I just relate so much to that.

I'm really grateful for that visualization and for your tools,

Because one of the tools that I didn't write down is there's an inner knowing right like that inner wisdom of bringing your energies back that was so helpful.

I'm glad you covered that.

Because I really wanted to so I love how we get together and learn and grow like this teaming up.

Yep,

It's more than enough.

So thank you for all of that for my tools.

I'm going to say it,

The most important useful tool in the sparkle box is self awareness.

And you're painting such a beautiful picture of finding yourself in that heightened state and coming into the body doing some somatic breathing,

Getting to come back in here,

Seeing where you're at just so much self awareness in what happened and especially in the releasing of you know,

We call it a baby cry,

You know,

Just a quick little,

But the releasing and the hormone balancing that happens with crying is really,

Really important is an absolute tool.

You know,

It's our natural instinct.

And that's what that's about.

So let it flow.

It does so much that can happen.

And if it can only be a baby cry for that's great.

It so good.

So important.

I remember my first baby cry.

I learned it from you.

I'm so glad.

Yeah,

Self awareness for the inner critic,

Part of the self awareness piece of that was getting to know them well enough to be able to name them.

So that's the self awareness tool for the inner critic and for cultivating inner safety,

Practicing the little self check-ins at any time.

So whether you're even,

I think a really good time to do self check-ins is when there's the absence of,

You know,

Holy terror is what I found in my meditation last night.

I was like,

Wow,

Not the absence was there,

But the holy terror was there.

So it's really important also to notice the beingness,

You know,

When we can tap into that,

Because it is there sometimes.

And we want to be able to bring that environment into recognition and integration for projection.

Again,

We're going to have to find more,

I dare I say,

Perhaps even deeper layers of self-awareness and self reflection.

Projection often happens because we are in denial of how we really feel.

I think you were really getting into that.

And it's,

It's hard.

Denial is painful.

The more that we get comfortable with how uncomfortable denial is,

The more we can tap in and get really real with ourselves about my desire for delusion and denial.

Once I started saying that,

The more I got to actually really look into it and kind of made it more playful.

The denial of myself,

The denial of self for me is really where my projections start coming in really,

Really strong.

One of the tools it's to stop saying you're fine and check in with what you're actually feeling.

Whenever I hear myself being like,

Fine,

It's fine.

I'm fine.

I remember what I was taught,

Which is the acronym of F up.

You know,

The bad word,

Fine,

F up,

Insecure,

Neurotic,

And emotional F I N E.

And so yeah,

Whenever I hear fine,

I take that as a moment that it's time for a self-awareness check-in.

When you hear yourself saying fine,

Do a quick check-in of what is really here.

I'm f'd up about how I feel about myself on a daily basis.

I'm insecure in my unloveability that others won't love me.

This is mine.

I'm just doing a little quick one for you because when I do the run through of these,

Oftentimes my insecurity has to do with my unloveability that others won't love me if I'm not perfect.

And for these reasons,

My neurosis spiral,

The more in denial that I am my emotions are a compass and without them,

I am lost.

So I allow the emotions and encourage my emotions.

So I'm here.

What's here.

What emotions are here when I'm saying I'm fine.

And then I write out or I mentally go through like what emotions are here.

One of the questions when I'm doing writing,

When I actually have the time to,

When I make the time to do the writing,

One of the questions that has been posed to me that helped me to get into these deeper layers of denial of the stories that I'm weaving or the stories that are here that are making up my life that the night project onto other people as their stories is what is the capital T truth here that makes me stop and pause in my tracks because I have a story of what's going on.

And it reminds me that I have a story.

So what is the actual capital T truth here?

And I can go through the fine again,

F I N E for where am I feeling F'd up insecure,

Neurotic and emotional.

And I can get into details about that.

And oftentimes then the capital T truth comes down to my,

The unloveability,

The stories that I'm weaving,

The unworthiness that I have and how it specifically pertains to this moment.

And for me with my partner,

It's really old stuff that's being projected here and now it's really old.

And the more that I can get really familiar with these old stories,

The more that they start to lose their power and that I can drop back into them sooner and be like,

Oh,

Linz,

This is a story right now.

You're projecting this onto your person.

Let's hear what the capital T truth is right here right now.

Oh,

I think I'm doing this wrong.

I think I'm not doing it good enough.

I think that my being loved is up for debate right now if I'm lovable or not.

And I think that I'm going to be abandoned at any moment.

And when I come back to these really big,

Hard capital T truths,

And the more that I'm with them,

The more I get to get out of denial and these little stories that are weaving the same story,

But underneath it is this core story here.

And it's hard to get to those at first.

I mean,

I've been doing these inventories and writing and talking with spiritual advisors and therapists for so many years that that's why I can say this right now without honestly just breaking down and crying because I could,

But I'm recording right now.

And luckily I have gone through these enough that the more I said them and broke down and had the recognition,

The understanding,

The lessening of the denial that was there.

Because I wanted to deny these truths about myself.

I wanted to deny this old pain,

This old grief,

Because I thought I could kind of prop myself up and be fine and walk around.

Like I'm fine.

And what I need to do and what I continue to need to do in practice and on a daily basis is have enough self-awareness do these little check-ins.

So I can see when I'm over the edge of not being able to see what's here and that I'm projecting this onto other people.

So I can hear more of it.

It's entanglement is a simple word that I use and have been taught by the Dharma teachers.

You know,

The ways in which we are entangled getting to learn and find them out for ourselves and in what particular flavors and ways and what it feels like in the body is a very personal experience.

And I'm so glad that Annie and I have continued to show up and share so personally like this.

And we are really hopeful that our journeys are helping you to look at your own personal journey and empower yours.

If you feel so inclined.

And if you're just here to be a spectator,

We love that too.

I wanted to come back around and remind ourselves that the number one tool in all of this is to come and create the safe space within ourselves.

We always get to come back and remind ourselves that right here within right now us is everything that we need to heal and grow and to keep going into that space and reminding ourselves and really showing up and loving the parts of ourselves that we have ignored,

Abandoned,

And then put off on other people.

I just want to keep coming back to this inner safety and how much we can learn and grow from that space for ourselves with ourselves.

And then that's what reverberates out into our outer worlds as well as we know.

So thank you so much for joining us.

Thank you.

We would love it if you would follow us on the platform that you're listening on and rate and review us.

It helps us grow.

Yes,

Definitely.

Please rate and review us on whatever platform and it helps so very much.

We'd be so grateful for that.

I want to tease our upcoming episode are really excited pony and I talk about this so much,

But we thought fun and wonderful to do this three part series on vanity,

Bum,

Bum,

Bum,

Aging,

Duh,

Duh,

Duh.

And then gratitude for what our bodies do.

Thanks everybody for your donations of course,

On insight timer,

All of you that have donated,

It really does so much and we thank you.

And of course,

If you're here listening,

We're so grateful and that's all that matters.

We hope that you can take the time to learn how to love yourself.

We love you.

Bye bye.

Reviews

Awesome. Thank you.

That was awesome, Ladies!! Thank you🙏❤️💪

Very insightful and loved the interconnection between you two. Thanks for sharing