1. Trust in Mentoring - How To Make the Relationship Work

This is the first session in a five part series on mentoring and how to make the relationship work well. This track can be listened to on its own or as part of the series and will be particularly helpful entrepreneurs and their mentors/mentees. It concerns both parties to the relationship and there are tips, methods and suggestions throughout for how to make this most important relationship work well. This session focuses on trust, how to build it, and crucially, how to maintain it!!

Transcript

Hello and welcome to session one of making a mentoring relationship.

In today's session we're going to be looking at trust.

Trust between the parties is a fundamental necessity in the mentoring relationship.

In order for there to be growth and development in the mentee there needs to be an atmosphere of trust,

A place where vulnerabilities can be brought and examined with confidence.

And in today's session we consider the elements of establishing trust in the relationship.

Now a key point to understand obviously is that trust cannot be imposed or demanded,

But we can create the circumstances in which it can arise.

So much of trust will be down to chemistry,

Understanding and empathy between the parties,

But where we really intentionally take care to create the right circumstances,

To build a container where trust can take root and bloom,

We can increase the chances of establishing that trust.

There are basic parameters of the mentoring relationship which should be set,

Agreed and understood between the parties,

And these parameters help to establish that container where trust can take root and bloom.

Now these parameters are actually fairly straightforward and include why and how to select a mentor and how to select a mentee,

How to establish what the relationship is for and what it isn't for,

And how to gain clarity from the mentee about expectations,

And finally some basic courtesies around the structure of the relationship.

So let's turn first to why somebody might want a mentor.

Generally it comes from a recognition in the mentee or prospective mentee that they have reached a stage in their life or career where the limits of their own experience or wisdom become obvious to them.

This usually coincides with a move out of a normal comfort zone and for an entrepreneur this usually happens at a fairly early stage in the life cycle of their startup,

Often around the time that the idea of the startup has transitioned from something held in the mind entirely in the entrepreneur's inner world to something that is externally tangible in the physical world.

Once the creativity and inner vision of the entrepreneur is out in the real world,

It's a moment of vulnerability and stress.

All of a sudden these ideas that have been lovingly incubated internally are out and can be examined and criticized and scorned and ignored,

And this is a really tricky stage.

One where tests of character can occur and it may become clear to the entrepreneur there is quite a road ahead and they have some knowledge gap.

The entrepreneur may find themselves meeting a co-founding person or team,

They may begin to look for legal advice or tech support,

And may begin looking at the investment community,

Accelerators,

Incubators and so forth.

The lack of distinction between the entrepreneur's inner world and outer world that we have touched on can become particularly acute at this time and the vulnerability involved in this is a time when potentially debilitating issues can start to arise.

For example,

If you're struggling to take some criticism,

Or you may be having difficulty coming to agreement with your co-founders,

Or indeed having difficulty assembling a team,

Possibly some difficulty believing in yourself and your idea,

Which is very common at this stage,

This is a moment when a good mentor is invaluable.

Now ideally you want to choose somebody who has been through a similar stage and path.

So if you're an entrepreneur you'll probably find another older or more experienced entrepreneur would be a better fit as a mentor than say a person who has had a career as a management consultant.

Equally for a female entrepreneur with children or wanting to have children,

You may benefit from the mentorship of a woman who has trodden that path before.

In terms of the mentor selecting the mentee or rather receiving the request,

It's really important to be clear about what the mentee needs and what you can offer in terms of your experience.

Now obviously some experience and wisdom is applicable and valuable regardless,

But say for example that the mentee in this case has a company which is a social impact business and your experience as a mentor is exclusively in more traditional business models.

You may be able to give good general guidance but you may not be able to understand the particular issues that arise in a social impact ecosystem.

In that case being clear about that with the mentee is vital.

Less experienced people can make assumptions about the wisdom and skill sets of people who appear more seasoned and successful,

So clarity around this is a key element in establishing trust from the very beginning.

Once the choosing is out of the way,

The parties can then move on to establish further parameters of the relationship.

One of the key questions here is what the mentor does and does not do.

It's a really good idea for the mentor to be fairly prescriptive about this in the beginning and maybe follow up the first exploratory conversation with a summary that is clear.

Traditionally the role of the mentor is to take a long-term view of the mentee's growth and development and the mentor can help the mentee to envision destination,

But what they do not do generally is prescriptively map how that destination might be arrived at.

The mentor can pose challenging questions or contrarian views,

Can share stories from their own experience that offer encouragement and create a space for self-reflection.

The mentor should not really be involved in solving very specific problems.

Mentorship is not problem solving,

It's solution amplifying.

The mentee is responsible for decision making and outcome and both parties need to steer clear of rescuer-victim-adult-child dynamics as trust can easily be confused with a transfer of personal responsibility.

Being in a position of greater knowledge,

Experience or age gives a person power and influence in ways that are both obvious and subtle.

Being asked to problem solve or rescue can be very flattering to one's fantasy and pride and so this is an area for the mentor to be particularly alert to and we'll cover this in more detail in session four.

Now obviously having said all of this,

Provided that there is clarity and understanding between the parties,

There is always scope to set other parameters and expectations.

So say for example the mentee really does need help solving a particular problem,

Provided that that is clear from the outset and the mentor is open to helping them find a solution,

Great.

The key here is that there is transparency and clarity from the beginning and in this context and in managing expectations it's also worth being clear the mentor is not a coach,

A counsellor or a therapist and that if any of those seem to be the expertise that the mentee needs in any particular circumstance that the mentor will always be clear about that and the limits of their own expertise.

Once all of this is clarified at the beginning,

The circumstances in which trust can root and bloom,

To go back to our metaphor,

Are being created in real time.

Turning now to the mentee's role in establishing the relationship of trust.

We've already looked at why you might look for a mentor and finding somebody with the relevant expertise and experience.

Once you've identified your need and some potential candidates,

It's important to be clear about what you want from the relationship.

You're asking a lot from a mentor and the first step in establishing a trusting relationship is for you to have a clear outline of the areas where you need guidance.

Give an overview of the ways in which the prospective mentor could help you,

Citing overlaps in experience,

Similar path and so forth.

Doing some research on the prospective mentor is really important,

It shows courtesy and intention to have taken the time to outline how the relationship could work.

Now once there is agreement between the parties that the relationship will work and will begin,

The structure should be set out,

Agreed and,

Crucially,

Adhered to.

Agree in the first instance how you will communicate.

People are very different in this regard and the mentee should be guided by and respectful of the mentor's choice.

If the mentor wants to communicate by email during the working week,

Then maybe don't whatsapp them at the weekend.

Equally,

The mentor should be clear about this and if communication becomes unmanageable or intrusive,

It's important to deal with those issues early on.

One thing to be sensitive to here is that there is a difference in terms of age groups,

So if there is a significant age gap between mentor and mentee,

What is acceptable is likely to differ in terms of formality.

For example,

I don't communicate on message for anything other than friends and family,

But somebody in their 20s or 30s might be fine with whatsapp chats.

The key here is just for there to be clarity and transparency at the beginning and that will avoid the erosion of trust unnecessarily.

Next,

Make a time when you will meet that is regularly scheduled and that you stick to faithfully.

Be prescriptive about the duration of the meeting and again stick to that.

Unless both of you agree to go over your scheduled time,

There's no quicker way to lose trust and respect in any sort of relationship than showing no regard for another person's time.

After each meeting,

It's good practice for the mentee to take some time to summarize in writing what was discussed,

What was agreed,

Any steps that were suggested and what the takeaways were from the meeting.

Now this can either be lengthy or preferably just bullet points.

Again,

This is a courtesy as well as being a useful way to track the development and progress of the relationship.

Don't expect the mentor to keep track of how your life is developing,

That's the mentee's job.

A mentor can make a real difference in a mentee's life.

If the relationship works well and is established well at the beginning,

The impact of their wisdom and guidance can be felt for years to come.

For both parties,

Coming to the relationship with clarity,

Transparency and the intention to build trust will ensure an enriching,

Potentially transformative relationship for both.

In session two,

We're going to be looking at listening and particularly listening as the linchpin of the mentoring relationship and we'll be examining some of the ways in which we can move from ordinary listening to active listening.