Jealousy & Trauma in Polyamory [Talk]

Is the jealousy you're experiencing in polyamory "normal" or being heightened by unresolved trauma? In this talk, we'll break down the neuroscience behind the 4 major nervous system responses that can fuel unhealthy jealous behaviors. This will help you understand if your reactions to jealousy are healthy, or a sign of unresolved trauma. For a deeper dive, check out my Insight Timer course on Ethical Non-Monogamy, Polyamory, and Open Relationships.

Transcript

Hi,

This is Ori Krug,

Board certified dance movement therapist and trauma and relationship expert.

Today,

I would love to have a talk with you about why jealousy in polyamory is so difficult to navigate when you have past trauma and what to do about it.

So jealousy through being poly could feel unbearable if you have unresolved past trauma.

It's already so common to experience jealousy in polyamory.

And this may feel like anger,

Sadness,

Grief,

Insecurity,

Or being out of control when you feel jealous.

These feelings are normal for even the most healthy and quote unquote healed people.

But it's more of an indication that you have past unresolved trauma when your primary response to jealousy includes rage,

Uncontrollable and impulsive aggression,

And extreme withdrawal or dissociation.

Because these are associated with the trauma responses that hijack our nervous system into fight,

Flight,

And freeze behaviors.

So if you're not sure what the difference is between those two different examples,

Right,

What a common healthy emotion versus a trauma response to jealousy,

We're going to break that down right now.

So here are four indicators that trauma is being triggered through jealousy in polyamory.

We can use the four main nervous system survival responses as a guide to understand if your reactions to jealousy are quote unquote normal or a trauma response.

Number one is the fight response.

In a triggered state,

The fight response is a sympathetic nervous system response that activates outwardly aggressive responses such as yelling,

Cursing,

And physical acts of violence.

If your entire body responds to jealousy with impulsive aggressive behaviors,

Then this is a sure sign that jealousy has triggered unresolved trauma causing you to react as if you have to fight off a predator.

This isn't necessarily the same thing as feeling a healthy amount of anger in response to jealousy.

Because anger is a normal feeling and it is important for all of us to feel as part of the full spectrum of human emotions.

If you feel a healthy level of anger in response to jealousy,

You might feel a heated energy running through your body or a desire to say hurtful things to your partners,

But you don't necessarily act on these feelings.

You may take the time to feel these uncomfortable sensations in your body or you hear the words that you secretly wish to say out loud,

But ultimately you're able to regulate and approach a situation with a calmer tone and energy.

You may express your anger with vulnerability,

Softness,

And assertiveness,

But not impulsive aggression.

That's the difference.

The second nervous system response is the flight response.

And in a triggered state,

The flight response is also a sympathetic nervous system response that stimulates the running away behaviors such as escaping the room,

Driving away in your car,

And threatening to break up.

If your entire body responds to jealousy by escaping the situation or relationship,

Then this is a strong sign that jealousy has triggered unresolved trauma,

Causing you to react as if you have to run away from a predator.

There is a difference between a flight response and intentionally taking a break from a fight or situation in order to calm down.

If you're feeling overwhelmed with emotions due to jealousy,

You might recognize in the moment that you need some time away from the conversation or the interaction that's causing these uncomfortable sensations.

You may say to your partner something like,

I think we should take a break.

This is getting way too heated.

Can we resume when we're maybe both a little more calm?

This is an example of a regulated response with the ability to ask for what you need.

Because if you can remain calm enough to ask for or assert your need for space,

Then this is a sign of a healthy nervous system not reacting impulsively to old trauma.

On the flip side,

If you impulsively leave the room or end the relationship,

Then again,

This indicates a flight response to jealousy.

The third nervous system response we'll talk about is the freeze response.

In a triggered state,

The freeze response is a parasympathetic nervous system response that may cause you to physically freeze up and temporarily lose your ability to respond in a situation.

The freeze response is a more ancient nervous system response that is activated when there is a higher level of perceived fear.

This response was useful for our ancestors because when our bodies tense up so tightly,

We become unappetizing to eat in the eyes of potential predators.

Now this is not usually necessary considering that we are humans and we're more civilized today,

But we are what we are.

This is how we have been created and evolved.

And it's a very useful self-protecting mechanism when it's still truly needed today.

Like if you're going on a hike and you see a bear,

Your nervous system may react with a freeze response so you don't get eaten by the bear.

But unfortunately,

Many people today still react with freeze in response to relationship stressors even though there's no actual life-threatening danger.

With a freeze response,

You may react to jealousy with a sudden inability to speak up or you might blankly stand like a deer in the headlights.

Your partner might pressure you to speak or become frustrated that you're essentially non-responsive,

Which can make your freeze response even worse or even more intense,

I should say.

The freeze response is different from allowing yourself to take a moment in the midst of feeling heated or jealous.

You may say to your partner something like,

I'm overwhelmed with emotion right now.

Can you give me a few minutes to breathe and think?

Or you may say something like,

I don't want to talk right now.

And you get quiet.

These are both examples of healthy responses when you are choosing and communicating your desire to pause.

But however,

If you uncontrollably check out and go blank during an interaction,

Then that is a strong sign of a freeze response to cope with jealousy.

And lastly,

The fourth nervous system response that we'll talk about is fawn.

In a triggered state,

The fawn response is a parasympathetic nervous system response that causes you to abandon your needs for the sake of pleasing others.

If you respond to jealousy by dropping all of your boundaries and doing only what your partners want,

Then this is a strong indication that jealousy has triggered unresolved trauma,

Causing you to protect someone else's feelings above your own health and life.

With a fawn response,

You may react to jealousy by telling your partner that whatever they're doing is okay,

Even if it's creating intense discomfort within your body.

You may say yes to all their requests when you know that you're not okay with them.

Overall,

You abandon what is important and healthy for you in order to please them.

There's a difference between a fawn response and compromise or loosening a boundary that you previously held more tightly.

If you're navigating difficult emotions due to jealousy with your partner,

Dating someone new for example,

You may propose that they send you a few updates via text while they're out.

You may also experiment with having them not update you at all while you attempt to distract yourself with self-loving activities or hanging out with friends.

If you are making intentional choices on shifting boundaries,

Then this is likely not a trauma response.

But if you are making impulsive decisions without thinking twice or asserting your own needs,

Then it's likely a fawn response.

So overall,

If you can sense that the theme is a trauma response to jealousy is uncontrollable,

It's impulsive,

It's completely based in fear and something that is automatically happening as a response or really a reaction from your nervous system.

And the healthy emotions to jealousy are still difficult emotions,

But you're still relatively regulated through them.

You're still in command of your body and the way that you respond.

So I'm wondering if you identify with any of these nervous system reactions to jealousy.

Most people have one dominant nervous system response when old trauma is triggered,

But it's actually pretty normal and common to experience a variety of responses depending on the situation and the people involved.

So now the question is,

How do you deal with jealousy and polyamory when past trauma is triggered?

It's really difficult when you're triggered and you're triggered because of past trauma because the intensity and impulsivity associated with trauma-based reactions are,

It's a lot.

And many people who get triggered with jealousy experience the same cycle of events,

The same patterns.

They react impulsively,

They eventually calm down,

And then they later realize or regret that they already repeated the same unwanted pattern.

And the reason why it's so hard to stop the reaction as it's occurring is because our nervous systems hijack our body's responses in order to protect us from danger or perceived death.

And even if you know in your mind or you've talked about it for years and years in therapy that you won't get hurt,

You won't die,

You won't get physically injured due to your partner or your partners falling in love with other people or having sex with new partners,

Our nervous systems and primal brain automatically react as if we will get hurt.

And it's because these situations trigger trauma memories that remind us of highly painful abandonment,

Rejection,

Or manipulation from people who hurt us in the past.

The mind can try to tell us all day that we're safe and that jealousy is normal,

But until the trauma is processed from our nervous system and body,

It will continue to react impulsively no matter how persistent the mind is.

So here are a few steps to begin navigating jealousy in a healthier way even when old trauma is being triggered.

Number one,

Identify the nervous system response that typically gets triggered when you feel jealous.

Is it fight,

Flight,

Freeze,

Or fawn?

Number two,

Notice what sensations arise in your body through each response.

Do you feel a heated energy running through your body as the fight response is triggered?

Do you lose touch with your physical surroundings during freeze?

Once you notice the patterns of sensations,

You have the awareness to begin changing them.

And number three,

Visualize what these sensations look or feel like in your body.

You can identify the speed,

Texture,

Color,

Size,

Or whatever,

Whatever else comes up around these sensations.

And then when you begin to feel any of these sensations arise through jealousy,

See if you can shift any of them,

See if you can shift any of the attributes of them.

So if the sensation that's happening is really,

Really fast,

Can you imagine or even pretend to slow them down?

This is a way of gaining command over the emotion arising in your body instead of it hijacking and controlling you.

You can try this exercise alone every day for five minutes for at least a week and see if it changes the way you respond in real time in different relationships and situations.

If you need a little bit more guidance,

Guided meditation through this kind of exercise,

I have a very popular meditation here on Insight Timer called Overcoming Jealousy.

And if you want to take it a little further than that,

I have a course here as well on how to approach and navigate ethical non-monogamy and polyamory in a healthy,

Conscious,

And embodied way so that you can experience the most pleasure,

Satisfaction,

And healing possible through this incredible yet challenging journey.

The course is called Ethical Non-Monogamy,

Polyamory,

And Open Relationships,

A Healthy Approach.

If you go to my profile,

Look under the courses tab,

You should be able to find it.

I hope to see you in there,

And until then,

I am wishing you lots of love and luck on your journey.

Reviews

Very clear! Thank you!

Thank you for the clear examples of each response.

This was an extremely beneficial and insightful talk. Thank you, your words were so helpful.