Feel Compersion In Polyamory & Ethical Non-Monogamy

Do you struggle to feel compersion for your partners? Does jealousy or insecurity usually take over instead? In this movement-based meditation, you'll follow your body's wisdom and instincts to learn how you can feel compersion in your relationships without forcing or faking it. For a deeper dive on all things ENM & Polyamory, check out my Insight Timer course on Ethical Non-Monogamy!

Transcript

Hi,

This is Ori Krug,

Board-certified dance movement therapist and trauma and relationship expert.

In today's movement meditation,

We are going to explore compersion.

Compersion is often defined as the opposite of jealousy and the ability to genuinely feel pleasure for our partner's pleasure,

Especially in the context of them experiencing romantic and sexual pleasure with other people.

Compersion is a feeling and a state of being that is highly regarded in the ethical non-monogamous and polyamorous community,

But sometimes it can feel like something is wrong with us if we feel jealous or insecure and we don't feel compersion.

So today,

Let's see what it might be like to really deeply feel compersion in your body and how you can bring that into your relationships.

To begin,

You can find a position that feels comfortable for you right now,

Whether that's lying down,

Sitting up,

Or standing.

Once you find a position that feels good enough for you,

We're going to take three deep breaths together.

Breathing in and breathing out.

Again,

Breathing in and breathing out.

One last time,

Breathing in and breathing out.

I want to invite you now to close your eyes or lower your gaze if you haven't already and start tuning into your body and what feels pleasurable in this very moment.

Are there any sensations present in your body that feel good,

Pleasurable,

Or indulgent?

And if there isn't,

What can you start to do to start feeling into more pleasure inside your own body right now?

Try to answer this prompt with your body instead of your mind and let your body organically find what feels pleasurable right here and now.

You might find that you instinctually start to stretch different parts of your body or that you breathe in deeper,

Sigh out.

Maybe you started sitting up and then you allowed your body to fully surrender your weight into the ground.

There's no right or wrong here.

Everybody experiences pleasure in a different way on different days,

In different moments.

So try to get rid of any voices that say you should be doing it this way or pleasure should feel this way and just be in the here and now following your body,

Doing whatever that feels pleasurable,

Indulgent,

Or good,

Good enough.

It may even look silly.

You may be flailing your arms all around the air or rolling your body all over the floor.

There is no right or wrong.

Maybe you're not doing much at all.

Maybe you're quite still and that feels pleasurable to you right now.

Now keep that a priority.

Keep it a priority to create pleasure and indulgence in your body.

And now bring in to your mind's visualization,

The idea,

The thought,

Or the image of your partner going on a date with someone else,

Being physically involved with someone else,

Or whatever tends to bring up jealousy or insecurity for you.

And as you do that,

Right away notice what sensations came up and how do they feel different than the pleasurable ones you were just creating.

There's no judgment here.

We all experience insecurity.

Whatever unwanted or difficult or uncomfortable sensations come up around these images,

Try to see them.

I see,

I see these uncomfortable emotions.

I feel them.

And see if there's anything that you can do with your body to make them feel a little bit more comfortable.

For example,

If you felt tension in your shoulders,

What might feel a little bit more pleasurable from that discomfort?

You might follow your body's desire to roll out your shoulders or massage your shoulders.

If you felt a sinking feeling in your stomach,

What might your body instinctually like to do to find more relief and maybe even eventually pleasure from that uncomfortable sensation?

With a pit in your stomach,

You might instinctually find yourself lying on the ground,

Finding more grounded support.

Or you might find yourself taking a deeper breath.

There's no right or wrong.

Don't decide with your mind how to bring more ease or pleasure into this uncomfortable feeling,

But really let your body lead.

Even if it takes a few moments to hear your body calling with an instinct to respond.

And you might even notice,

Even as you find some movements that bring in a little bit more ease,

A little bit more pleasure,

That there is still a sense of discomfort there.

It hasn't fully gone away.

Give yourself permission to feel both the discomfort and the ease,

Both the difficulty and the pleasure.

Because in truth,

Compersion doesn't have to mean that you only feel pleasure for your partner's pleasure and nothing else.

You can feel compersion.

You can feel excited and happy and genuinely in pleasure for your partner's pleasure at the same time as feeling insecure and worried and jealous.

You are a whole human being with a whole spectrum of feelings.

And there's no rule to say that you can't feel different feelings or opposing feelings,

If we even want to call it that,

At the very same time.

There seems to be this belief that you couldn't possibly feel compersion if you're feeling jealous.

Well,

That's not true.

If you're feeling compersion,

Even in the presence of jealousy,

You're still feeling compersion.

So move with that right now.

Move with the uncomfortable sensations.

See how your body might naturally want to bring more ease and comfort and pleasure into those.

And be with all of it.

Notice the fleeting moments of pleasure and excitement,

And then how the discomfort and fear might creep back in or come by for a moment.

And notice how your body naturally goes from pleasure and excitement and indulgence back to fear,

Insecurity,

Worry,

Anxiety,

And then again back to pleasure.

Almost like you're doing a dance between all these feelings.

The thing is,

You can be in command of this dance.

Every time you notice an uncomfortable sensation,

You can be with it and see how your body wants to invite comfort,

Ease,

And pleasure back in.

And repeat that.

Instead of being afraid of the jealousy or insecurity,

You can notice them as uncomfortable sensations in the body,

That your body truly deeply knows how to meet,

How to respond in a way that is helpful.

Let's try to shift away from numbing or repressing or even trying to fix these uncomfortable sensations by making them go away as fast as possible.

And instead,

Listen.

Listen,

Feel,

And give yourself the space and time to listen.

And give yourself the space and time for your body to take the lead and respond.

Take the next minute to practice this dance between pleasure slash compersion and jealousy slash insecurity.

And drop any stories or narratives that it's not okay to feel both within the same dance.

And when the minute is up,

I'll prompt us to come bring our movement to an ending.

Whatever you're doing,

However you're moving right now,

Start to gradually,

Slowly bring your movements to a natural close.

Really give yourself this time to transition from movement to more stillness.

And perhaps you find your body landing you in an ending pose,

Whether it's hands on heart,

Arms in the air,

Or whatever,

Comes naturally.

And once you're there,

You can take a deep breath in,

And out.

Gently open your eyes,

Look around your space,

Make physical contact with your body,

Letting yourself know you're back in here,

Make physical contact with your body,

Letting yourself know you're back in here and now of this physical space.

Whatever your experience was today,

If you felt even a little bit of pleasure coming into your body,

Even through the visualization or the thought of your partner being with another person,

And you got a moment,

A sense of having compersion.

To take this experience with you,

Remember what that sensation was,

Remember what it is that your body did to feel even a fleeting moment of compersion.

And find that again.

In your real life,

Day to day relationships.

And when you want to build on that even more,

You can come back to this meditation and go even deeper.