3 Common Relationship Problems & How To Resolve Them (Talk)

The most common relationship problems are often minimized and simplified by top relationship experts, which can make you feel stuck & hopeless about resolving them. In this talk, I dig deep into the REAL issues that often create disconnection in couples who could otherwise thrive with much more love, joy, and spark. This info may surprise you! The good news: these issues can be resolved with a body-based approach that includes movement to break cycles of unhealthy patterns & communication.

Transcript

Hi,

This is Orit Krug,

Board-certified dance movement therapist and trauma and relationship expert.

Today let's talk about three common relationship problems and what causes them and how you can shift them if you resonate with these issues.

So this is specifically for you if you are struggling with one of these problems and you're wondering is this normal or are me my partner just incompatible should we call it off?

You may be feeling an urge to call it quits with your partner if you're having any of these problems because old trauma can make us want to escape anything that feels remotely uncomfortable or confrontational.

But before you make any rash decisions that you might regret later let's talk about what these relationship issues are and why it's completely normal to have them.

Now if you're just discovering me now you might find this talk a little bit unconventional.

If you've been following me for a while you might expect the direction that I'm going here because most people will say the three most common relationship problems are communication,

Of course obviously,

Sex,

Money,

Right?

I think most of us know already that these are areas where couples struggle the most but it's important to know is that the most common relationship problems that I've just mentioned have a much deeper root cause.

Many couples spend years and thousands of dollars in couples counseling without ever accessing or resolving the root cause of their relationship issues.

They often talk in circles revolving around the same topic and continue to get stuck in the same or similar spot where they began.

This doesn't mean that they're broken or incompatible.

Traditional couples therapy is often very limited in accessing trauma that is buried deep within each partner's subconscious bodies where the root of the issues lie.

So keeping that in mind let's dig into the three most common relationship problems.

The first relationship problem that is the most important one in my opinion to resolve above and beneath anything else is that the couple is not on the same team.

There's an element of keeping score and they're working against each other often for something that they're both struggling with and it's really heartbreaking actually because they feel so alone in this problem each of the partners yet they're not alone they're both struggling.

So I'll tell you about a couple that I'm working with now where this just came up in our session.

So when Katie and Jeremy came to session just last Friday they were telling me about this fight that they had over the last week and the fight essentially boiled down to Katie wanted Jeremy to do a task and Jeremy did not want to do the task and she was frustrated.

He seemed to look frustrated but he wouldn't really admit it and she was getting more and more frustrated that not only did he deny this request to do the task but he was also avoiding communicating his feelings about it and pretending to be okay which just left her feeling pretty alone in her emotions.

Now before we make any assumptions listen to this.

The thing is Katie and Jeremy were starting to talk more and more about this fight for a few minutes and it really ended up being something like no you said that no I didn't yes and I was like okay let's take a pause here because I know that nothing is gonna come of them trying to rehash this argument in words and they're here working with me to change something to work through this in the body.

So what I had them do next was an intervention where I had one of them hold an imaginary object with their palms together in front of them.

So Katie said I'll do it I'll hold this object first and there's nothing there there is no object it's imaginary.

I said you can shape it or mold it or change this object into whatever you want as you pass it back and forth.

So you can imagine this couple passing back and forth an imaginary object and also moving in a way that resembles them stretching it or making it small or holding something really huge and passing it to the other.

So going back and forth a few times Katie and Jeremy were passing back and forth this imaginary object and after a few minutes I had them pause and reflect and tell me about what they experienced.

Katie said that she was still frustrated and she was feeling like Jeremy was just giving her this burden that she didn't want that she kept giving back to him and Jeremy said that he was just having fun and this made Katie a little frustrated right because there was something really heavy for her and for him it was light and fun and I couldn't help but notice that this was related to this fight that they brought in that they talked about having the past week that she feels burdened and she feels alone in it and as Katie was saying you know I feel frustrated I feel like you're just giving me all this burden you don't really care I could see that Jeremy's body was having a reaction and so I quickly interjected and I said Jeremy what is your body feeling right now what sensation are you feeling he said he's feeling tightness in his shoulders and I said what is what does that feeling want to do where does it want to go and we are already five sessions in so this is already pretty familiar language to them even if it sounds a little unknown to you right now as you're listening and he he was getting into his head he was trying to rationalize and I said look you don't have to solve anything right now you don't have to fix what's going on what does your body feel how do you want to move and he moved in a way where he physically touched his chest and he said I feel sad I feel helpless like we can't fix this problem which the problem is that they have kids and jobs and no time really to get everything done let alone care for themselves and spend quality time together and Katie feels burdened with it and like Jeremy doesn't care but in reality what happened right then in the session Jeremy started crying because this was so hard for him yet Katie didn't know this she didn't know how hard it was for for him she's been feeling alone in it and it's not that he never cared it's that sadness frustration that helpless feeling is a very threatening feeling for him due to his old trauma to feel that kind of quote-unquote weakness so instead of accepting her request to do the task he got defensive and that was his pattern to get defensive and get angry and feel helpless because as especially for men anger can be way more comfortable to show than the helpless I can't fix it feeling this was so huge so transformational to realize that they are on the same team they're feeling the same frustration and sadness about this problem they're both having yet you know this this whole this whole thing shifted from keeping score and who's doing more and who's doing less to how we're both really struggling with this and I see you and I'm here to support you and we're here we're doing this together and so I had them go back into that movement that same exact movement prompt where they were passing back and forth and imaginary objects and this time they were working together they were molding it and shaping it and even holding this object together at one point which the object is really a symbol for this problem and what they said this is my favorite quote that was left from that session they said we may not be able to change the situation but at least we're together in this sadness instead of alone I mean how beautiful is that the relationship problem that we think we have isn't really about the problem it's that we're working against each other it's that we're keeping score and you don't feel like you're on the same team and you're left alone to feel like you have to deal with this alone and when they reflected on this movement exercise the second time around they said it was fun it was just an object without all that baggage from the past it was lighter and more playful they were working together more it felt like something that they could manage together so I would say this is the number one most common and even sneaky relationship pattern imagine I bet that whatever issue you're having in your relationship right now your partner is dealing with this same exact thing so the problem isn't that you can't seem to make enough time to have dinner together yes that's probably an issue one that's important to resolve but even deeper than that the deeper issue that's triggering triggering more trauma than anything else is that you're alone in it and you're not in the same team and you're angry at each other and resentful okay that was a really long explanation for that first issue but I thought it was really important to break it down and what that looks like and how it can be so sneaky to the point where you could talk about these issues forever and ever but once we explore it through specific movement processes it's like they shifted that in a few minutes when they were talking about it it wasn't shifting it was getting stuck it was going around in circles but when we put into movement the biggest issue was revealed and then shifted through working even more even deeper in the body even deeper through movement now number two the second most common relationship problem is that the partners have different preferences for wanting space or connection what I mean by this is that one partner wants space while the other partner wants to be closer and have more attention and whether this is due to trauma or lack of modeling from their own parents most couples have no idea how to navigate their different needs for space in addition old trauma can make you take it way more personally and react impulsively than what's necessary because the difference in preferences for wanting space or connection is so normal but either way it can feel really hurtful when we deeply want more connection with our partner while they need space a lot of couples see this as a black-and-white situation she wants space so I'm just gonna leave or he never wants to talk after work does he even love me anymore it is a hundred percent normal in common to want space from each other I've worked with couples who actually thrive better when they regularly have more space from each other and that goes for my relationship to my partner and I we absolutely are her better couple when we have plenty of independence and space from each other it doesn't mean that we're living separate lives it just means that we're also doing a lot of our own things and filling our own cups even though we have a family together and we have a lot of responsibilities there is a healthy way to honor each of your needs for space and connection without the black and white without pushing each other away having space doesn't necessarily mean that you regularly spend 12 hours apart in different rooms you can have space within the same room you can have different levels of space sitting right next to each other most couples don't know this because they don't understand their individual needs they think I'm so overwhelmed I just don't want to talk right now but in reality they may be too burnt out to talk yet they still crave physical connection which leaves both partners frustrated and unmet in another recent couple session it took literally one minute for my clients Claire and Michael to come back to harmony after two weeks of disconnection when they try to talk in circles about their disconnection at the beginning of our session I again gently stopped them I said have this conversation and movement show each other what you need through your body Claire then rested her head on Michael's shoulder and Michael held her there I'm not joking or exaggerating in literally one minute they both got what they needed Claire had thought she needed space and disconnection these last two weeks but what she really needed was to be held by Michael which also fulfilled Michael's need to connect more to Claire after she'd been distant so if you can't figure out your own needs you'll likely resort to unnecessary extremes of pushing away or asking for more than you know than your partner can handle at a given moment this is actually the root of this root problem being too disconnected from your body to truly understand what you need and communicate it now the third and final most common relationship problem is nonverbal aggression hmm this is the sneakiest relationship problem that most couples don't even realize is happening in fact I was pretty recently guilty of this myself about six months ago or so I was going through a pretty difficult period in my marriage where my partner seemed to be generally more frustrated and angry towards me and I was getting really tired of it and more sensitive each time he spoke with a more aggressive or bothered tone I really didn't understand I just wanted him to be nicer to me and why couldn't he be I was being nice and kind and loving to him or so I thought I didn't realize it at the time but I had a lot of resentment building towards him regarding parenting stuff which at the time our first child and only child was 17 months old I thought I was being nice and not aggressive to him and I honestly just thought he was being a jerk to me for no good reason I finally realized that I was holding all of this resentment and frustration and anger towards him he was simply mirroring it back to me unconsciously I mean what I I wasn't able to see this consciously until my body and movement reveal that to me actually during a session that I was leading with a group of my clients about resentments and while I was helping my clients work through resentment I realized oh I've got this in my own body and I've got to work through this in my own therapy so that was really eye-opening for me and it doesn't mean that his frustration was my fault or that I deserved for him to mirror back my own aggression or that it even started with me but once I realized the resentment that I was holding in my body I finally admitted it to him and then we both seemed to soften at the same time and came up with some ways to navigate the reasons behind it and only one week later our emotional and sexual connection was so much stronger than it was in months it's almost like we press the reset button and started communicating more compassionately and passionately with each other and that was six months ago and we haven't gone back to that place since so this is really really common especially for couples who have done a lot of counseling and they practice nicer tones or nicer words to communicate with each other not really realizing the aggression that they're holding in their bodies and also non-verbally communicating to each other which just gets cycles back and forth between the relationship now if you resonate with one or more of these signs then it's a really good idea to heal your trauma if you want to have a successful loving lasting relationship if you've already been making an effort to heal trauma through talk therapy or online courses or even alternative therapies like EMDR it's often not enough these approaches may help you gain more awareness about your trauma and how it's impacted you but they are not actually designed to release trauma patterns from your physical body trauma is stored in your nonverbal brain and body so unless you're engaging in a body and movement based approach to therapy it will often remain stuck inside if you'd like to learn more about the neuroscience behind how trauma is stored in your nervous system and your physical body and what needs to happen in order to release it as well as trying on some movement explorations to get your body feeling safe and primed for a real release in the future then check out my online course on insight timer called you are worthy of love healing from trauma this course doesn't actually heal trauma but it will bring you to one of the most essential steps and foundations of healing trauma in a way that truly lasts and is effective for loving yourself and having the healthiest most joyful relationship until next time you deserve to be able to let healthy lasting love in

Reviews

Hope at the end f my rope

Thank you so much as always Orit!! After transitioning to a new relationship, it's been more important than ever to find ways to grow and this beautiful talk you gave was so helpful and insightful. So much food for thought and also gave me some amazing perspective. Trauma does truly make both people hurt each other more but this talk really shed light on how me and my partner can really show up for each other better :)

Another fantastic discussion about trauma. Thank you!

This is truely insightful. Thank you for sharing this. I had tears listening to this.

This was truly a wonderful, insightful talk. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you 🙏 I

Wow, that was a pleasant surprise and I cannot believe how effective- it should be standard relationship advice for everyone. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and blessings