Transforming Anger With Compassion

This practice is for addressing angry reactions that are recognized as unhelpful but are experienced as automatic and difficult to change. Bringing to mind a specific trigger situation, compassion is invoked to transform the relationship with the feelings that lie underneath the anger. Subsequently, neural pathways for alternative ways of handling the situation are strengthened through the use of imagination and visualization.

Transcript

This practice is for addressing recurrent,

Unhelpful patterns that we fall into.

Times when the angry reactions that we fire off feel so automatic and ingrained that it can seem like we have little or no choice over them.

You will be asked to bring to mind a particular trigger situation,

One that feels manageable to work with and which won't overwhelm you.

It could be a situation with your partner or with your children,

Your parents,

Your neighbors,

Friends,

Your colleagues,

Any situation where your angry reaction becomes part of the problem in itself.

And if you don't already have one in mind you might want to pause the recording to give yourself time to think of one.

So whether sitting or lying,

Making any final adjustments to your posture now so that you can be comfortable and settled.

And then beginning by really feeling into your connection with the earth beneath you,

Where the weight of your body pressing down,

It's the support of the ground pushing up from below,

Letting go of all your weight,

Seeing what it feels like really to allow yourself to be held and supported.

And scanning through the body exploring if there is unnecessary tension that can be released.

Starting with the muscles of the face,

Softening especially the muscles of the forehead,

The eyes and the jaw.

And releasing the neck,

The shoulders,

Seeing if the shoulders are willing to let go a little more.

Softening the muscles of the arms all the way down to the hands.

Softening the chest,

The belly,

The abdomen area,

Perhaps a sense of the belly softening a little bit more with each out breath.

The pelvic area,

The legs and the feet.

The whole body,

The whole body releasing whatever tension can be released and accepting whatever remains.

Becoming aware now of the flow of your breath and then for a short while inviting the breath to lengthen.

So that perhaps you are breathing in for four or five seconds through the nose and then after short pause breathing out for the same amount of time or for a little bit more through a small hole in the mouth.

And taking a few more breaths in this way in your own time letting tension drain out of the body with the out breath.

Letting clarity and stillness flow in with the in breath.

And allowing the breath to find its own rhythm.

Just the natural rhythmic breath flowing into and out of the body of its own accord.

Letting your attention rest on the rhythmic flow of the breath.

Just letting yourself be breathed.

Now bring to mind your trigger situation that you wish to work with.

The situation in which you recognize that the way you usually deal with it is not helpful but is difficult to change.

You can bring it to mind either in the form of a recent memory or in the form of a typical situation.

So bringing the opening scene alive in as much detail as feels right.

In some cases it might be enough just to think of it and the feelings will already come on quite strong.

In other cases you might need to exaggerate the details so that you can really feel it.

Bringing to mind where you are in this situation.

The visual scene around you before it starts.

What might you be doing?

Where might you be?

Who are you with?

Then bringing to mind how the difficulty starts.

Who says or does what?

How do things develop and progress?

And noticing what is happening in the mind.

What stories are you telling yourself?

Is there blame?

Are there judgments of others or of yourself?

Is there catastrophic thinking?

Exaggerated ideas about how serious the situation is or how things might end up?

So as best you can really getting clear about the anger stories in your mind.

Letting the scene unfold until you get to the point where you begin to notice your anger really surging up more strongly and you notice the impulses to react in your habitual unhelpful ways.

You might be experiencing this as a memory of how it felt or you may actually be feeling it right now as if it were actually happening.

So at this point pressing an imaginary pause button,

Freezing the external situation so that you can really focus on the internal experience of anger.

How it is showing up in the body in terms of physical sensations.

Perhaps noticing areas where there is heat,

Pressure or a buildup of energy wanting to discharge itself.

Really allowing yourself to experience this anger.

Recognizing that anger is not a pleasant state.

Without underlying suffering or pain of some sort there would be no anger.

On the physical level there may be painful,

Burning,

Swirling,

Tense or sharp sensations in the body.

On the emotional level feelings of hurt,

Fear,

Overwhelm,

Shame.

Or on the level of unmet needs.

There might be unmet needs around respect or fairness,

The need for understanding.

Kindly and compassionately acknowledging your suffering,

The pain beneath your anger.

Letting go of thoughts and judgments and as best you can meeting these painful feelings directly with compassion.

Perhaps resting a hand on the heart center or wherever you feel the sensations most strongly.

Perhaps imagining the breath flowing into and out of these difficult feelings.

As if bringing kindness right to where it is needed most.

Then if you feel willing and able to do so,

Perhaps doing this also for anyone else involved in this situation.

Considering how they might be suffering.

What uncomfortable feelings and emotions might there be underneath their perhaps challenging behavior?

What unmet needs might they be experiencing?

Really tuning in to what might lie beneath on their side of things?

And is it possible to hold the intention to meet their suffering with compassion too?

Letting go of judgments and stories and coming back again and again to a direct encounter with their suffering,

To an empathetic acknowledgement of their pain.

Perhaps again imagining the breath somehow carrying kindness right into these difficult feelings.

The kind compassionate breath flowing into and out of the suffering,

Both in you and in the other person or persons involved,

With no distinction.

From this place of compassionate intention,

Connecting now with the heart right in the center of your being and invoking your heart's capacity for wisdom and kindness.

And then inquiring what would be the most helpful,

Wise and compassionate way to deal with this situation?

Would it be to keep your cool and explain your point of view calmly and clearly in a non-blaming way?

Would it be to be both firm and kind as you take action?

Would it be to state your boundaries?

To be more flexible,

More patient,

More understanding?

Or simply to take time out to calm down and then come back only when you are ready to do so?

And then when you are ready,

Unpausing the scene and in as much detail as you can,

Imagine or visualize yourself taking this wise,

Compassionate approach to this difficult situation.

There may not always be a response that gets you the results that you would want in the time frame that you would like,

But you can tune into what feels right in your heart of hearts.

So staying connected with your heart and visualize yourself choosing a better way,

Laying out a blueprint for a compassionate response to this difficult,

Triggering situation.

So next,

Rewinding the action back to before the trigger and then rehearsing it again from beginning to end with the compassionate response instead of the angry reaction.

If you have time,

You can run it through two or three times to make a stronger pathway for yourself to follow when it next happens.

Now letting the scene fade and for the next short while just really sensing your breath flowing into and out of the heart center.

Letting go of any thoughts or stories whenever you notice them and breathing kindly and patiently with whatever feelings and sensations that you find in your heart,

Whether they be pleasant or unpleasant,

Strong or subtle.

Breathing into and out of your heart,

Giving space to whatever is there.

And then ending the practice with a positive vision,

Imagining what it would be like,

How it would feel,

If you could turn your anger into an ally,

Alerting you to when things are out of balance,

Either internally or externally,

And giving you the energy to do something about it for the benefit of all.

So imagining,

Visualizing,

Sensing what that would be like and how you would feel.

Then as we approach the end of the practice,

Slowly becoming a little more aware of your surroundings again.

And just bearing in mind that these anger patterns can be very deeply wired and often have their origins a long long time ago in situations that were not of your choosing and were not your fault.

So please be patient with yourself if things do not change as quickly as you would like.

This work of becoming aware of your triggers,

Bringing compassion to the feelings that they bring up,

And rehearsing more helpful ways to respond can be done many times for the same trigger situation or for different ones,

Steadily taking you in the direction of greater alignment with the values of your heart.

Reviews

I’m currently unable to offer empathetic compassion towards someone who has done nothing but hurt me my entire childhood into adulthood; but this meditation does help calm my mind and guide me towards acceptance that my dad will never change. However, I can change and eliminate him from having any access to hurt me any longer.

Wow. That was exactly what i needed; my next step. Clear instructions, kind offering and good pacing. And thank you for not having background music.