Today I want to talk about something that transformed how I show up in every relationship I have.
We hear a lot about boundaries these days,
About learning to say no,
About protecting your energy,
Honouring your limits,
Not being a people pleaser,
And all of that matters deeply.
But there's another side to this conversation that doesn't get nearly enough attention.
How do you receive a no?
Because here's what I've learned,
Sometimes the hard way,
You cannot claim to have healthy boundaries while simultaneously struggling when someone else sets theirs.
Think about that for a moment.
If you believe you have the right to say no,
To decline an invitation,
To refuse a request,
To step back from something that doesn't serve you,
Then you must extend that same right to everyone else in your life,
Not begrudgingly,
Not with silent resentment,
But genuinely.
I used to think I was good at this,
I'd tell myself I respected other people's choices,
But if I'm honest,
When someone said no to me,
Especially someone I cared about,
Something would tighten in my chest,
A story would start running,
They don't value me,
They're pulling away,
I've done something wrong.
Does that sound familiar?
That reaction isn't respect for their boundary,
That's making them know about me,
And when we do that,
We're essentially saying your limits are only acceptable when they don't inconvenience my feelings.
Here's what healthy looks like,
And I mean genuinely healthy,
Not just performing healthy.
When someone you love says no,
You feel nothing problematic,
Maybe mild disappointment if you were looking forward to something,
But no spiral,
No urge to convince them otherwise,
No quiet withdrawal to punish them for it,
No story about what it means about you or the relationship,
Just acceptance,
Respect,
Perhaps even appreciation that they trust you enough to be honest rather than resentfully saying yes.
I think many of us learned somewhere along the way that love means always being available,
That good relationships mean saying yes,
That someone setting a limit with us is a rejection rather than simply information.
But the opposite is true.
The safest relationships are the ones where both people can say no freely,
Knowing it won't be met with guilt,
Manipulation,
Coldness,
Or endless questions about why.
So let me ask you something,
And I want you to sit with this honestly.
When was the last time someone said no to you,
To a request,
An invitation,
A need you expressed,
And you genuinely felt fine about it?
Not performed being fine,
Actually felt at peace.
And if that's difficult to recall,
That's not a judgment,
That's information,
That's something worth looking at.
Because the ability to hear no without crumbling,
Without making it mean something about your worth,
Without needing to change their mind,
That's freedom for you and for them.
It means people can be honest with you.
It means you don't have to be managed or handled.
It means your relationships are built on authenticity rather than obligation.
The goal isn't to stop caring,
It's to stop needing.
There's a world of difference between I'd love for you to come and I understand if you can't,
And I need you to come and if you don't,
I'll struggle with what that means.
One is an invitation,
And the other is a demand wrapped in vulnerability.
So here's what I would invite you to practice.
The next time someone declines something,
Watch your internal response.
Not to judge it,
But to understand it.
Notice what stories arise.
Notice any urge to ask why.
To suggest alternatives.
To express disappointment in a way that might pressure them.
Then consciously choose acceptance.
Not resignation,
But genuine acceptance.
Thank you for being honest with me.
That's completely fine.
I appreciate you telling me.
And mean it.
When you can say no clearly and receive no gracefully,
You've created the conditions for real intimacy.
Because now everyone involved knows that every yes is genuine.
Every presence is chosen.
Every moment together is because someone actually wants to be there.
That's the relationship most of us are actually longing for.
Thank you for listening.
This has been Gary,
Reminding you that boundaries are a two-way door,
And learning to walk through it gracefully in both directions might be one of the most important relationship skills you ever develop.
