Intentional Parenting (Recorded Live)

This is a recorded live session from InsightTimer. Children are our greatest teachers and parenting is full of growth! Let's chat about navigating better communication with our children, parenting with empathy, yelling less, and creating healthy parenting habits.

Transcript

Because then when I was on the audio put it on to insight timer.

So thank you all for your patience.

So again,

We're here to talk about intentional parenting.

And if you've never been on any of my lives,

I love to use the whiteboard.

There it is.

I love to use the whiteboard.

I love to demonstrate.

I love to share.

I love to talk and I will teach in the form of stories.

So yes,

I am a coach.

I'm a meditation teacher.

I'm a mom.

I'm a wife.

I work outside of the home.

I actually have a part-time outside of the home.

I work part-time from my own home doing my own business.

I'm busy.

There's a lot of lot of things going on.

What I want to hear from you before we really dive into the meat of all this.

I just spent seven minutes,

Well three minutes setting up the camera,

Like three,

Four minutes talking about myself just so you know where I'm coming from.

I want to hear from you guys,

From all of you that are here,

Of what drew you to this talk today.

What drew you to be here?

What is going on in your life as much as you want to share,

As much as you don't want to share,

It doesn't matter.

What is going on in your life that you would like to shift and change and do differently when it comes to parenting?

And why you were like,

Oh,

Intentional parenting,

That sounds like something I want to be at.

Tell me a little bit about that.

And while you do that,

I'm going to pull a card,

Take a sip of water and settle myself and calm my energy a little bit before we really dive into this.

So I will wait and kind of see what pops up in the comments here.

So awesome.

Love it.

I don't see comments popping up and I know this happened last time as well.

So hopefully all is well.

Okay.

All right,

Here we go.

Here come the comments.

Sometimes there's a little delay,

But I'm going to pull my card here and I'm pulling from the goddess.

Guidance Oracle Card deck.

13 year old addicted to computer,

No enthusiasm for anything else.

I think a lot of us can relate to that.

Robbie,

Hopefully I pronounced your name correctly.

So let me know what drew you here.

What made you want to come be a part of this?

There's 18 of you here.

So let me know.

And you don't have to be super specific.

Just wanted to learn more.

Struggling,

Having challenges,

You know,

Divorced father trying to get ideas to turn to be a great father.

Rafa.

OK,

Awesome.

I'm so happy you're here.

You're curious.

I'm not a parent and not intending to be.

I'm only interested in the topic.

Well,

I love that,

Matina,

Because we're always here to learn.

There's always something to learn.

Katrina,

I've got an 11,

13 and 15 year old and feel like I've spent most of their lives not being present.

I know my time with them is limited and I'm scared to miss more.

OK,

I love this.

So what I'm going to let me pull my card and then I'm going to share a little story.

And Rafa,

I think you'll appreciate this.

OK,

This is really beautiful.

So this is I pulled solace.

Bodies of water spend time near water,

Such as a lake,

River or the ocean to recharge your batteries.

And I think this goes into what I shared before,

When we need to take care of ourselves and then we can be really intentional parents and a better parent and more present.

Just like you said,

Katrina,

We want to be more present.

So I read into this of recharge your batteries because we can get so easily burnt out that we need to take time for ourselves.

That will allow us.

We don't need to do more with our kids.

We need to be more intentional with our kids.

And that's really what it's all about.

It's not about the quantity of time,

It's about the quality of time,

Especially a lot of you that have commented that I've got you've got teenagers,

11,

13,

15.

Tomorrow,

Just I just got two young teenage boys.

One is on the spectrum with a range of difficulties,

Including ADHD.

I haven't been exactly the best parent.

I believe I could be.

And we all could be.

And it's never too late.

Fourteen year old is totally addicted to gaming.

He's always been obsessed.

But this obsession,

I don't think is going to change easily.

Great.

Not great,

But great that you're sharing and talking about it because you know you're not the only one who is who is dealing with all of this.

So what I'm going to share with you first is I'm going to put on the board just because it's nice when folks pop in that we can just put on the board what we're talking about today.

So that people who are coming in can kind of see it like what's going on?

What are they doing?

So we're talking about intentional parenting.

And I just said it's not about the wall.

It's about the quality,

Not the that's not enough space.

Oh,

Is that not a racing?

Not about the quantity of time.

It's not about spending more time with our kids.

It's about being super intentional and being intentional with the time and quality of time.

So think about it.

What quality of time are you spending with your kids now?

If you look at the time you're spending with your kids,

What are you doing with them?

Really,

Really take inventory and say,

What what am I starting to write the word time?

What am I doing with my kids right now?

How am I spending time with them right now?

Because every time,

No matter what topic we're talking about,

We've got to take inventory of where we are.

So you've got to take inventory of where you are.

Sorry,

I'm like off my game today.

This eraser is not working like I planned it to.

So I'm going to lessen the words on the board.

Where are you right now?

So we need to take inventory of where you are right now,

Because you can't get somewhere else if you don't know where you are.

Where you are right now.

So let's be honest with ourselves.

And if you're you're ready and you want to,

You can share it in the comments and say,

When I'm spending time with my kids,

This is what we're doing.

What are we doing?

Are you picking them up from school?

Are you cooking dinner?

Are you watching TV like what are you doing with your kids?

And really be honest with yourself and saying,

Is this quality time or am I just spending time with them?

And it's not really anything that's that's really full of quality time,

Because if you can give your kids 15 to 20 minutes of quality time,

That's going to fill their cup 10 times more than two hours of really doing nothing together,

But just being together in the same room or being annoyed or fighting with them like sometimes they just mean that little bit of time to know that that you're there and that you're present.

What I want to share with you guys is a couple of years ago.

And if you've been on my lives,

You know,

I talk about my husband a lot.

And he went through a really,

Really down period a couple of years ago.

And he was depressed.

He was upset.

He was not present.

He wasn't like I think he said wasn't being a father he wanted to be.

And it was really,

Really hard for him.

And once he started doing work on himself,

He found a coach that talked about,

You know,

Self and family and work.

Like he kind of like put all three together and he does a lot of conversations and a lot of teaching around being a parent and how to be present as a parent as a father.

And what really kind of grew for my husband was he became so unbelievably intentional.

It wasn't just I want to spend time with him.

It was like,

Well,

What do we want to do together?

And he would,

You know,

Learn and he'd get some ideas and then he kind of put it into action.

But it was so super intentional.

And what I've seen over the last two years blows my mind as far as how present he is,

Because when the kids were real little and my youngest,

Who's six,

Six and a half,

I was a baby.

He just wasn't he wasn't around.

He wasn't present.

He was there in the room.

But I was doing all work.

And I think as moms,

We take on a lot of the day to day.

And this is what I've noticed that I've seen him take his uptick in the quality of time that he's spending with the kids.

What's he really doing with them?

That's super worthwhile.

And he's just being super intentional with his time.

And I looked at I looked at that as a mirror and said,

What am I doing as a mom?

That's super intentional.

And I was focusing so much on the wall,

The quantity of like I'm with them more than you are.

But I'm not spending the quality time with them.

And that's something I am really in the process of working on.

So what I'm teaching and what I'm sharing is coming from a place of I'm working to do better self and being inspired by my husband for what he's doing and kind of taking the lead from him and moving it forward and saying,

How can I incorporate what he's doing so that I can be more intentional,

Even though I'm spending more time with them?

I'm home more.

I'm in the space with them.

Where how can I be more intentional with quality of time,

But also recognizing that if I'm spending a ton of time with them,

That's going to zap a lot of my energy and I might need to take extra time to recharge.

I might need an extra day and then to be able to do that without feeling guilty about it and taking that time for me.

So I hope that a lot of that comes through.

But I just wanted to share that.

Yeah,

I take mine once a week individually on a child date.

That's beautiful,

Sandy.

That's really awesome.

So what I want to share with you is a make sure you're taking inventory,

Because if we're going to look for directions,

We can't put in the GPS where we want to go because the GPS needs to know where we're starting.

So you need to be super honest with yourself,

But also super loving with where am I right now?

How am I spending time with my kids and then giving yourself grace to say it's not where I want to be,

But it's OK that this is where I am and I'm doing this so that I can be better and really doing it with coming from a loving,

Gracious place and really forgiving yourself.

But also knowing,

Yes,

It's going to be a little hard.

This is going to be a little challenging for me to accept where I am now.

But this is the true,

True starting point.

So I want us to realize that we all need to start here.

This is where we need to start.

And that's you just have to be super honest with yourself.

And that's where things are going to change.

So one thing that.

My husband did that I thought was really,

Really cool.

So you guys can see this board and it's got Post-it notes all over it.

I'll tell you exactly what it says and I'll tell you exactly what we did with it.

But it's very personal to us.

I don't want to bring it close to the camera,

But essentially there's four different quadrants.

There's four of us in the family.

So we've got my youngest son,

My oldest son.

Daddy and mommy and what we did with the Post-it loss,

But he got this project from his his coach and we did this together.

And what I loved about this was the question is,

And I'll type it into the thread too.

When you feel most when you feel most loved by me,

What is it that I'm doing that makes you feel that way?

And what we did is I'll type that into the comments here so that you guys can have it.

So it's when you feel most loved by me,

What is it that I'm doing that makes you feel that way?

So that's the question.

And what we did is it's beautiful.

This is so helpful.

Oh,

You're wonderful,

Jay.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Self-awareness is so important.

So what we did is and then what each person did is they each had a different color Post-it note.

And then so for our youngest son,

He's got one from me,

One from Daddy,

One from his older brother.

And it says,

This is what we do together that makes me feel loved.

And I laugh because for the brothers fighting as that's what makes me feel loved by you when we fight with each other.

And like not like fighting,

Like arguing,

But fighting,

Like wrestling.

And what it did is it showed us it allowed us an opportunity to say,

This is what I'd like to do with you.

So rather than us saying,

Oh,

Son,

Daughter,

Whatever,

Like,

Let's do this together.

You can say you like when we do this together,

You know,

And it also helped my husband and I as a couple really saying.

And I'll give some examples.

My oldest son loves to do Legos.

He's a Lego builder.

He loves to put them together.

And it's just being self-aware of also listening to our kids and saying,

What are they asking of us?

And he would say,

I love when we can we get a Lego set and do it together.

So that's something that are we doing Lego sets every single day and doing them all the time?

No,

But we're doing quality of when we're building that Lego.

I want to be present.

I want to be helping him.

I want to be a part of that with him.

And that's him saying,

I feel loved by you when we get to do and build Legos together.

And that's really important because that's us spending time together and it's quality 15,

20,

30 minutes a pop.

We're sitting there building Legos.

My younger son loves to play football.

He loves to throw things.

He loves to sport.

So it's for the football with me and really listening to our kids and listening to what they're saying.

So my youngest son a couple of weeks ago said to me,

You never do what I want to do.

And I was like,

Well,

That's not true.

But I could have said that to him.

But that's my perception.

I had to look at this from his perception and say he thinks is his perception is I don't do anything when he asked me to do it.

So now I have to be super intentional to say I have to be aware enough when he says.

Mom,

Will you throw the football with me saying yes,

Really saying,

Can I put down what I'm doing and go spend 10 minutes throwing the football?

That's it.

I want to do it for hours on end.

10,

15 minutes is all I need to do.

And that will fill his cup and make him give him that love and that attention that he needs.

But it's directed from them.

So the next question I want to put up is here is,

Are we listening to our kids?

They're telling us all the time what they want,

And they might not be saying it directly to us,

But they're saying it.

They're saying it through their actions,

Through what they're asking of us,

Through their perception,

Through their eyes.

Are we listening to our kids and are we allowing them to have this perception and saying,

Well,

That's not true?

Or are we turning them down every time they say that?

Well,

That's not true.

What are you talking about?

But really accepting,

Accepting them where they are saying,

I don't see it that way,

But I am listening to you and I hear you that that's how you feel.

And really,

We want someone to acknowledge our feelings.

Can't we acknowledge our kids feelings and think they're not going to feel the same way we do?

They're not going to see life the same way we see life because they haven't lived our life.

They haven't lived the life that we live.

They don't have the baggage and the trauma that we have.

And we don't want to give them any.

We're going to give them some.

Yes.

Yeah.

We're not going to be perfect parents.

We're going to mess up.

We're going to screw up.

We're not going to be perfect.

Well,

We're going to do the best we can with the knowledge that we have right now.

So let me know.

The comments got a little quiet.

So let me know.

Kind of is this resonating?

Is this showing up for you guys?

How are you feeling right now?

Are you feeling seen?

Are you feeling like I need more?

I need a little bit less.

I see the hearts going.

I just love replying to the comments.

They allow me to flow and allow this to be more of a conversation.

Cooking for him.

Well,

That's beautiful.

So can you find a way,

Sandy,

To say,

I'm going to cook for you?

What's your favorite meal?

And I'm going to cook it for you.

Taking notes.

I'm so glad you guys are taking notes and getting value.

That's awesome.

I need to know that what I need to know what I'm sharing is being is being seen and heard by you guys.

The kids don't really want to spend time with me anymore.

Is that so here's the question,

Katrina.

And I love this question as a coach of is that true?

Because,

Yes,

They're teenagers.

Almost you've almost all teenagers.

But is it true?

That they don't want to spend time with you or has past history shown them that mommy doesn't always want to spend time with us?

I say mommy.

Mom doesn't always want to spend time with us.

She doesn't like doing what we do.

It's going to take time and you've got to give them time to open up.

And just take it slow.

And it's a rebuilding and a recreating and showing them that I want to do better.

I want to spend more time with you.

So,

You know,

Maybe a teenager doesn't want to do a post it note board.

But maybe you can kind of listen and say,

Just pay attention to them and pay attention to the cues.

And as you pay attention to the cues,

You you act and you respond.

You don't react.

You respond to what they're saying.

And then they're going to go,

Oh,

Their interest is going to get piqued.

But it's going to take them time to trust and to understand that this is what's coming forward.

So how I spend time with a sick eight year old is to be very different than how you spend time with an 11,

13,

15 year old or so much.

I just said 25 year old son.

That's beautiful,

Maryam.

You walk with my 25,

My 25 year old son to accompany him to do his football training.

Make adjustments accordingly.

Yes.

Oh,

That's awesome.

Sandy,

That's beautiful.

So what if I'm glad that makes sense to Trina?

I recently got mine helping me a lot more in the house.

And I definitely like more part of a team.

How do you end that 15 to 20 minute time wants to play even more?

So we we incorporate a lot of timer.

I'll play with you,

But I've got 10 I've got 10 minutes to do it.

And then I've got to get back to cook dinner.

But I am here for you and I am in timers are a beautiful thing in our house.

We set a lot of timers.

We also do timers for screen time.

I mean,

They've got leeway,

But we really harp on like they're on small screens.

They can only do it for 30 minutes at a time.

And then like on weekends,

We give them a lot more freedom.

But we're very cognizant of the small screen time that I've had the phone,

The games,

The things like that.

And we talk to them a lot about how that affects their brain so that they understand,

Even though they really love the games.

And they do.

They fight back and they push back.

But timers are like a godsend.

And they're helpful for adults,

Too,

Because when we're doing something,

We can get lost in that time,

Especially for screens.

So I would definitely say try a timer and say,

Let's just I have got 15 minutes and then I need to go get back to my work.

But I'm more than happy to spend this 15 minutes with you and then be in one hundred and ten percent in those 15,

20 minutes or 10 minutes,

Whatever it is that you have.

I'll play with you for five minutes.

I'll do 10 throws with you because those kids,

They're good at saying I want a little bit more.

Can we spend a little bit more time together?

Like,

No,

We're going to save this.

We're going to continue it later.

And Sandy is right.

It's never too late to build your relationship with them.

That I can tell them more about my past.

I explained to my 14 year old that I didn't don't didn't want him to know certain things about his grandmother,

But he's already picked up on things and said he wants to know.

And that's that it's allowing them to know that allowing I think I think it was tomorrow.

Like allow them to be a part of the team like their kids or teenagers.

You don't want to give them all the information because their brains aren't ready to process so much of it yet.

But allow them to feel like they're in the know and allowing them to feel like,

Oh,

I know something that maybe I'm not supposed to know or maybe I'm too young to know.

But mom told me anyway,

You don't need to fill the whole bag of beans,

But little tidbits make them feel good and they make them feel like they're part of the team.

And it builds that trust with them.

Oh,

I'm glad to hear that word.

I need to meet myself with compassion and grace and not shut down.

Yes.

And we are going to feel shame and guilt.

So here's what I'm going to say as those feelings come up.

Like we are going to feel like,

Oh,

My God,

I'm terrible.

I'm terrible.

I'm not a good person.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Like all that,

That shame and guilt that lives within parenting.

I don't think you can parent without shame or guilt because you just feel like you're not doing enough.

I'm never doing enough.

I'm not doing enough.

It's not good enough.

So what happens is kids are our greatest teachers.

And they are our greatest mirrors.

They will show us the things that we don't want to see about ourselves.

So what they do is they show us.

What needs to be healed?

And I think healed is a beautiful word.

That's an important word.

They show us what needs to be healed.

They show us our traumas.

They show us our wounds.

They show us the things that we have pushed down so far.

We don't even consciously recognize them anymore.

And it's hard and it hurts.

Someone talked about voluntary chores.

I love that concept of feeling like a team.

We do family chore time.

That's awesome.

I can't get towards to be voluntary.

We do also this is actually a big thing,

Too.

What motivates your kids?

Every kid is different by what motivates them.

Something is going to motivate them to be a part of the team.

And you can look at it as like,

Oh,

Bribing my kids.

No,

You're just.

You're participating in what motivates them.

So my youngest is very motivated by money.

So we do chores and we do money.

And when they are saving up for something and there's something on their minds that they want to buy.

They do chores like there's no tomorrow.

And,

You know,

Maybe it's not all of the time.

There's still kids,

Not all of the time.

But when they want something like mom,

I clean my room.

Can I have my two dollars now?

Like,

Did I get my allowance today?

But it shows we just we feed into what motivates and inspires them.

Are we creating greedy children?

No,

I'm also creating children who know and understand about money.

Finding what motivates them.

So money motivates one of my child's doesn't always motivate the other child.

We still haven't quite figured that one out what his motivation is,

But we're we're working on it.

He's more like,

I want more screen time.

Like,

Give me more screen time.

Yes.

Oh,

There's a big one.

Hi.

He just asked the play on the phone.

Can you wait?

So here's the deal.

You've 30 minutes on the phone,

But you have to get ready for soccer.

So do you want to why don't you get ready for soccer?

Then you can have your 30 minutes on the phone.

That way you're not.

Well,

That way you don't want to rush.

Do you close my fingers?

Can you do that first,

Please?

Thank you.

There's parenting in action.

Snacks for my younger wife.

They all want snacks.

Not really voluntary.

And each week we still have to get on them,

But we all do it at the same time.

And that's really beautiful.

That's something they're going to remember as well.

And that quality time together.

So one thing that we do,

I'll go back to being healed in a moment and give you guys some some things about being healed and just being aware of like,

This is what this is my shadows.

This is my shadows.

This is what's showing up for me is.

Doing things together as a family,

So we create it,

And I know people always say,

Like sitting and watching a movie like be with your family,

But don't sit and watch a movie.

But what we've been doing over the last couple of months is we've been doing Friday family movie night.

We get pizza,

We watch a movie,

We sit together on the couch and we all sit together like that is what we do.

It's Friday night movie night.

It is become the kids start to expect it like Friday night movie night.

Yeah.

And they get all excited and it's like a whole thing.

And it's your guest speaker is great.

Unintentionally,

That was that was just pure magic that walked in the house that walked in the room.

Good timing,

But really saying this is what we do together.

We've created this tradition.

It's just something we do together.

And it's really beautiful.

I used to pay my for chores,

Which worked out.

Now there's money.

And so they have no interest in doing chores for cash.

I started clean up time.

We all clean up for 15,

20 minutes.

Yeah.

Teaching them to be proud of their space,

Especially as the kids get older.

If you're going to have to shift and change how you do things,

Because things are going to get stale,

They're not going to motivate more.

So constantly just being aware of what's working for them and what's not can add making popcorn.

We could a really good daily maintenance strategy.

Oh,

That's beautiful.

Since the pandemic.

Yeah,

We've done it the last couple months.

I don't know how it started.

It just started and we just started doing it.

It's been really fun.

I love it.

So let's go back to talking about healed,

Because when we are able to heal our trauma,

Our wounds,

Our shadow,

And we shine light.

So we have something that's dark.

We've got a dark trauma.

We've got a shadow.

We've got energy.

If we're able to shine a light.

On that dark energy,

That shadow.

We don't need to make it go away.

But what we can do is we can heal it and we can shine this bright,

Beautiful,

Loving light on our shadows,

Pull them out of the darkness and allow them to shine light on them and allow them to be healed.

So they're still there.

Like,

Listen,

Our life is our life.

Things have happened to us.

We've had experiences.

We have beliefs.

They're not going to go away,

But they don't need to be dark shadows.

We can look at them with light and love.

And it shifts and turns things from being triggered to saying,

Yeah,

This happened in my past.

This is what I used to believe.

But I'm choosing a different way now.

And I can look at my shadows and I can look at them in the light.

And it makes them not so scary.

And then the triggers are less because when we're triggered by something that our kids do,

Our kids are doing something and we're reacting in a way of I never wanted to be like my mom.

I never wanted to yell.

So when I yell,

It's like triggering.

But really seeing that as that's a really beautiful light because it's teaching me something.

It's teaching me how I want to parent.

How can I shift and change?

I can shift the perspective of that dark shadow of that trauma and say this is healed.

And I can now look at this with light and love.

And that allows me to be a better parent because now they're allowing us to heal all of our wounds and our traumas.

And then we don't so that we don't pass them on to them.

Generational things are they exist.

We have picked up traumas and shadows of generations before us,

Of people we've never met,

People we don't know.

We don't know what they dealt with,

But those traumas and those shadows and those patterns are there.

Those beliefs are there.

And we have an opportunity to heal them so that we don't pass them on to our kids and that they don't pass them on to their kids.

So a really beautiful opportunity.

We're not just healing ourselves and becoming better parents.

We are healing the generations after us.

And it's really beautiful and a really,

Really great opportunity.

So if you guys like,

Let me know if you like why this eraser it worked earlier anyway,

Is not really working right right now.

If you want to dive into some of this healing,

What we're at,

35 minutes.

So let me know if you want to dive a little into this healing.

Very angry at this eraser right now.

There are some other ways that we can be intentional parents.

So let me know where you guys would like to guide kind of the second part of this conversation.

Not happy with this eraser.

Can we talk about it?

Like it is just not doing the job today.

I'm going to need the one from down our downstairs or gym eraser anyway.

I have to wipe this board clean.

So I'll give you guys a chance to put in the comments while I struggle to erase the board.

So being an intentional parent,

So just reviewing this is knowing where we are right now and what we're doing right now and really being honest and loving with ourselves of where we are and saying this is where I'm at.

And that's OK,

That that's where I'm at,

Because I'm open and I'm here to change and to do differently and to to heal all those wounds so that I can be a better parent and to be more present.

And did I maybe miss out on some things?

Possibly,

But we're not perfect and we have an opportunity now to do differently from here on forward,

Because a lot of times we just feel that guilt of like,

God,

I wish I would have known this sooner.

I wish I could have done this earlier.

I could have,

You know,

But we can't spend a ton of time there.

There's no good.

We can't go backwards.

We can only move forward and we can only take from our past and learn.

And that's our job.

So if we sit in that shame and guilt,

We're never going to move forward and we're going to continue those patterns as we move forward.

And we don't want to do that.

So let me see.

It feels good to be with you all.

I love it.

Thank you,

Jen.

It feels good to be with you all,

Too.

So some things when we talk about healing,

I'll mention it briefly and then we'll we'll kind of just keep moving forward.

Oh,

Here's a really beautiful book that I'm sure many of you have probably read or at least heard of is the five love languages.

And this kind of goes back to that.

Post-it note board thing of what do I do that makes you feel loved by me when you feel most loved by me?

What are we doing?

Like what is going on?

What is happening?

But the five love languages has really changed,

Has upleveled our marriage.

It's like a next step up in our marriage,

But also understanding my kids like what's their love language.

And the five love languages are words of affirmation,

Quality time,

Gifts,

Acts of service and physical touch.

And those are the five different love languages that Gary Chapman talks about.

And I've heard them.

I've kind of read articles on them.

But reading the book was so much more eye opening than just kind of understanding them and seeing them.

So I definitely recommend if you haven't read it,

Really read into it.

But if you have read it,

Really kind of take this into your parenting and say,

How can I incorporate what is my child's love language?

What what makes them feel loved?

Where do they like when I compliment them?

And if they're old enough,

You can ask them or you could just kind of pay attention and say,

Try some different things.

Like I'm going to spend time doing words of affirmation this week and I'm going to see what happens at the end of the week.

Are we feeling more connected?

Did they whatever?

Just kind of like test some things out.

But it's been really,

Really helpful.

Yes,

There is a kid and family version,

Too.

So I just you know,

It's just a really beautiful place to start.

Yeah,

So it's so much more than just your relationships with your spouse or your partner or your family,

Like just with anybody understanding somebody's love language is really,

Really important.

I forgot about that book.

Yeah.

Oh,

I love it.

I love it.

I love it.

I just went to it's funny.

I went to write and the book was like sitting right there.

So it's perfectly placed unintentionally.

Awesome.

I love it.

Love it.

Love it.

Awesome.

OK,

So let's just talk real briefly about healing.

So when shadows come up,

Do you guys have and you guys are here on the insight timer app,

So your meditators,

Your you understand maybe pieces of energy.

He was on this.

I was bothering me.

So do you guys have a before I kind of go through,

I can tell you what works for me.

But healing modalities,

There's so,

So,

So,

So many.

What healing modalities do you really dive into?

Are there some that really stand out to you that you want to share with the group here,

Like breath work,

EFT,

Simple like meditation,

Like light meditations.

Anything else that.

Reiki healing,

But Reiki healing is not so much as far as this,

Like healing,

Trauma and old groups journaling EFT.

Awesome.

So.

EFT,

This is something I've been going real heavy into the last month and it's really powerful.

The.

Life changing and affirming EFT journaling is something I have used very heavily in the past.

A really just understanding and getting things out.

Reiki,

I don't know what that is.

Yoga,

Nidra,

Breathing.

Yes.

Breath work,

Sound baths,

Yoga,

Deep breathing.

The most powerful is going for a walk in nature.

EFT is emotional freedom technique,

Also known as tapping,

Where you tap on points of the body,

Meridian points.

So you've got karate chop.

That's where you start.

And then it's eyebrow.

I'll just go to I'm not going to do an EFT lesson outside of the eye,

Under the eye,

Under the nose,

Under the mouth,

Collarbone,

Under the arm and top of the head.

And what it does is as you're tapping and you're moving through these trauma release exercises,

As you're moving through and you're tapping,

You're calming your nervous system.

You're a I love EFT because it starts with accepting where you're at.

You start with.

The issue and you accept it,

Even though I'm feeling guilty,

Even though I'm feeling shame,

Even though I'm feeling like a terrible parent,

You honor where you're at and what you do is as you're tapping on the meridian points,

You're calming your nervous system,

Which teaches your body,

Your physical body to not be in trauma response mode.

So as you do that,

You start to release and then you can shift over to positive statements and where you want to be and you're shifting and moving forward.

That's why I really love EFT.

So it's beautiful.

Look at you guys are doing awesome things,

Inducing muscle tremors to release trauma.

Wow.

That's pretty cool.

I've never heard of that.

But that sounds that sounds powerful.

Oh,

You're welcome tomorrow.

Yeah.

So thanks,

Jay.

Yeah.

Awesome.

So this is these are the things we need to acknowledge and what these healing modalities do for us as they allow us to accept where we are and they allow us to release.

So when we're able to release those traumas,

Those shadows don't have a hold on us anymore because our children are going to show us our shadows.

They are going to show us the things we don't want to see.

But if we heal them,

We're no longer triggered and we can be more intentional parents,

More intentional parents.

That's the beautiful space we can be in.

But there is work involved.

And it's deep work,

Hard work,

Heart.

As someone who I was interviewing yesterday said,

It's the heart work working here.

I'm doing the artist way with others on insight timer.

Oh,

That's beautiful,

Maryam.

Thank you for sharing that.

And if you like,

You can put that in the circle as well.

I think you're in the circle.

That's awesome.

You can put the link in there and recommend it and share it with folks.

So there's,

There's a lot of healing.

And when you're able to heal,

You're able to be a better parent.

So this is where this card that we pulled,

I put it away already,

I was going to show it to you guys,

The card that we pulled in the beginning,

That was all about recharging your batteries.

I really looked at that as recharging,

Recharging,

Resetting,

But also healing,

Spending that time healing yourself,

Rather than saying,

How can I be a better parent for my child?

How can I heal myself?

So that in turn,

I'll be a better parent for my child.

And I'll be able to be more present.

And I'll be more aware.

And when I'm more aware,

And my nervous system is calm,

And I'm not being triggered,

And I'm not spending time in fight or flight,

I'm going to be able to be aware and I'm going to hear my child,

Or I'm going to see my child do something and say,

That's how they want me to show love.

Oh,

My God,

I hear what you're saying,

I hear your perspective.

And now I can do something differently.

Because when we're in fight or flight,

Which is what our trauma does to us is it puts us in fight or flight,

And we're in a constant state of fight or flight.

Our brains aren't working clearly,

We can't think clearly,

We're struggling.

So we can't hear our children,

We can't see our children,

Because we're so much stuck in fight or flight.

And when we get our nervous systems common,

We get out of that fight or flight,

And we release that and we allow that healing to take place.

Gosh,

Is life so completely different?

Are we able to be more present,

And we're able to be more aware and we hear our children,

And we see them,

And we're able to respond in a loving and beautiful way.

So I can't talk about intentional parenting,

Without talking about healing,

Without talking about looking at yourself,

Turning the mirror on yourself and seeing the work that you need to do.

Because when you heal,

You change for the better.

And you change them.

And you allow yourself to be more present.

And it was said here,

It's never too late.

There's always time to be more present.

No matter how old your kids are,

It doesn't matter.

You can use these same techniques with your own parents,

If you've got a severed relationship with a parent,

You can take all of these things and say,

How can I heal myself,

So that I can honor you where you are,

And see things from a different perspective,

When you're able to see things from somebody else's perspective,

You start to look at them in a different light,

And the judgment goes away,

And the anger goes away,

Because you're like,

Well,

They're just being who they are.

And it's not my job to change them.

So I'm going to allow them to be who they are.

And I'm going to see them with a loving light.

How can we shed that loving light on any of those dark shadows?

You can flip this in reverse and saying,

I'm the child.

Now I'm dealing with my parents.

And I've got not a great relationship with them.

But if I can heal myself,

I can heal my relationship with them.

They might not give to me what I'm looking to get to get from them.

But I'm able to release that and say,

I don't need them to do that in order for me to be happy to heal.

And that's really powerful as well.

Oh,

You're welcome.

I've been talking to my husband about this because he has difficulty connecting with our kids.

And that's my husband will say that as well.

That's one of our kids will go,

I just,

I don't know how.

And I said,

You just need to stop and listen to them.

You just need to be with him where he is.

That's it.

That's all he's asking for.

And you're present and you're there.

And that's really awesome.

Sometimes he tries to do too much.

I think he's finally starting to hear me.

So sometimes you do too much.

Stop doing,

Just start listening to him.

Stop trying so hard.

And he'll tell you exactly what he needs.

And you're going to give it to him.

And his cup is going to be full because he doesn't need what you need.

He's a different human being.

I don't need what,

You know,

We all have different needs.

And if we try to give to somebody based on what we think we need,

We're not talking their language.

We're not talking to them.

We're just trying to spit stuff out and that they think they need,

But it's not what they want.

It's not what they're asking for.

Yeah.

It is not self-care is not about spas or nail salons,

But taking care of our inner landscape.

It's crucial to fill our cups so we can be present.

We hear a lot.

You can't pour from an empty cup.

You come first.

That's it.

Bottom line,

You come first.

And when you're able to take care of yourself,

Put your oxygen on a mask before you put it on anybody else.

They say it on airplanes every single time they go to flight.

You come you come first because if you've got no oxygen,

How are you supposed to help somebody else?

How are you supposed to be present tomorrow?

It all makes so much sense to believe any idea to get my teenagers to believe I'm thinking you're saying they can't.

You don't need to change anything about them or force them to do anything simply by you changing.

They're going to see that and they're going to pick up on that.

It's not harping on them and talking to them.

It's showing them it's in the action.

It's in how they're going to see you change and in turn,

They're going to change.

It's not forcing them or putting things on them or really kind of just like,

Listen to me.

They're not there.

You need to just let them accept it as they're going to accept it in whatever way that is.

So when my husband was really going through his bout of depression and really down and at present,

I didn't force anything on him.

I did in the very beginning and then I was like,

You know what?

I just need to take care of me.

And I probably spent a good year.

I stopped asking him how he was feeling.

I stopped asking him to do things.

I took care of me and I came first.

And until I was until I was felt like I was taking care of,

Then I could see how I could help him.

But what happened was when I was taking care of myself,

He ended up coming to his own terms and started doing things on his own without me prompting him,

Without me seeing it.

I didn't have to say anything.

It was just by me doing things and taking care of myself that he saw that he started making changes and also allowing him to make changes in his own way,

How he's going to change his life.

Isn't the same way.

I'm going to change by,

Does he meditate?

Yes,

But differently than me.

Does he go to the same doctor that I go to for chiropractor,

For our nervous system?

Yes,

But we both get different things out of it and we're both there for different reasons.

He has a completely different coach and I can say,

I don't like listening to his coach because it doesn't,

I just don't like that energy.

It doesn't align with me,

But has it changed his life?

Absolutely.

He doesn't need to learn from the coaches that I'm learning from.

So these are all of the pieces.

He's reading different personal development books than I am,

But allowing him to be his own person,

Allowing him to do his own healing and knowing it's going to look very different from mine and that's okay.

And that's really beautiful.

And then we can come together and have these really beautiful conversations that we didn't get to have before.

Same thing goes with our kids.

We can't force them to do things.

We can only do the best that we can with the knowledge that we have.

And we have to show them what we're doing and then they can make the changes as they choose.

Yeah.

Dynamic neural retraining system.

Oh,

That's beautiful.

Barb.

I have a friend who does ED,

EMDR or EDMR.

I don't know exactly what it is,

But she said it's really powerful to helping to heal trauma.

I realized the triggers from my past that are reflected in the kids.

Yeah.

And saying,

You're not doing,

You know,

If it helps,

You're saying I'm not doing this for me,

I'm doing this for my kids.

And sometimes that can kind of help too.

Yeah.

Awesome.

I love this.

I hope to pop off to work now.

Oh,

Well,

Thank you for joining us.

Yeah.

I'm closing up.

I've got to get ready to go to soccer EMDR.

Yes.

Kelly,

Thank you for putting that in the chat.

Thank you for being here,

Edward.

I love it.

Thank you.

Oh,

And thank you for the donation.

I saw that.

I don't really talk much about donations,

But just know the donations go straight into my coaching business and my coaching business and allow me to continue to coach and continue to be here and help support my own family.

So it's a really beautiful way for me to teach and share,

Share.

And I love teaching and sharing.

It just brings my heart so much joy and being here and connecting with all of you.

So thank you so much.

All right.

Well,

Thank you all so much for being here.

I really appreciate it.

Come join the circle.

It's called manifest your life.

I know Insight Timer is making a ton of changes.

They're actually going to be a brand new different app.

So please stay connected.

Stay a part of it.

Join the circle.

Come join the chat.

Be with us.

I will not be live next Saturday.

I will be traveling for work,

But I will be back in two weeks.

So all of my lives are scheduled and up for the month of November.

Please go check them out.

You can go to my profile and all of my lives show up there.

And I'm excited to see you guys all so much.

And thank you for being here.

Reviews

Thank you! I enjoyed your session.
As a father of a 4 year old daughter it was helpful to listen to your strategies