Mindful Leader - Dealing With Difficult Conversations

As part of the M.E.L.T. Program for Leaders (Mindfulness Emboldened Leadership Transformation), we looked at having "difficult" conversations with clients and how Mindfulness can help navigate these situations.

Transcript

So,

In this session today,

We'll be looking at navigating difficult conversations with clients,

Especially in work settings,

And we will be using mindfulness-based positive psychology to transform these challenges into opportunities,

And this is where it becomes relevant.

What we practice becomes so relevant to what we do at work,

As well as in life.

So,

In this exploration,

We will be looking at some difficult conversations and use some strategies using,

As I mentioned,

Mindfulness,

Positive psychology,

And basically neuroscience and other techniques.

But by the end of the session,

Hopefully,

You will get a deeper understanding on how to remain yourself and communicate effectively and turn these challenging circumstances into opportunities for building stronger relationships.

And we will do a short meditation at the end just to help us reinforce these habits.

So yeah,

Let's get into it.

So thank you for joining me today.

We've been there,

Facing challenging conversations at work with clients where emotions are high,

And especially in my line of work,

Speaking to clients is one of the most important things,

And it's so close to my heart in what I'm doing,

So this is why I decided to talk about this,

Is a tricky place,

Depending on conditioning,

Depending on your education,

Depending on how you have had the experience of being in business environments.

Maybe speaking to clients come naturally through practice,

Or it may be something which you find a lot of anxiety,

Tensions,

And you feel like you are always on the losing side.

So these moments can be stressful,

But they often present us with a lot of opportunities,

Opportunities to demonstrate our resilience,

Professionalism,

And actually reinforcing the commitment to the clients.

So today we'll check some of these,

We'll explore some techniques,

We'll use mindfulness in this setting and see how that works.

So let us begin by understanding the dynamics of a difficult conversation.

So let's explore what makes these conversations challenging.

Often it's not just the content of the discussion,

But the emotions involved,

Ours and the client's.

So imagine a client upset over a missed deadline.

Your first instinct might be to defend your position or fix the problem immediately.

But this can actually often escalate the situation further.

So here's an example.

And this is also something which I've experienced.

A project manager I worked with had a client who was furious about repeated delays,

Rightly so,

Clients should be upset about repeated delays.

Each time they spoke,

The project manager would immediately jump into explaining why the delays happened,

It's because of this person didn't get back to me,

That person didn't get back to me,

Which only made the client more frustrated.

Now this experience can be not just in a workplace as well,

This can be a real life situation where two people are engaging in conversation.

So what was missing here was the emotional regulation and the ability to pause and truly listen from the project manager.

So this is where mindfulness and what we have been practicing comes into play.

So mindfulness is being about yourself in the moment,

Fully present and aware of thoughts and emotions without judgment and reactions.

And also with an open and kind heart,

Which is often not talked about a lot of times when we discuss mindfulness,

It's not just about being present,

It's the attitude in which how you are being present with acceptance,

With gratitude,

With loving kindness and compassion.

So that's the attitude you are cultivating.

So imagine it allows us to create a space between what is happening and how we respond.

Often the stimulus equal response,

But there is a pause in between.

This is the critical skill in any difficult conversation.

So before a conversation with an upset client,

Try so you know this is going to happen.

You know the client is probably expending a lot of resources,

Probably has expectations of the work.

So it is our job as the project manager to be able to deliver that promise.

So it is critical that how we come across in that situation is important for not just our own peace of mind,

But for the client's peace of mind.

So before the conversation with an upset client,

Just try a simple mindful breathing exercise.

Take a moment to close your eyes,

Breathe deeply and let go.

Do it again,

Just in noticing only the breath.

Breathe deeply and let your exhalation be longer than your inhalation.

And the reason this is important,

If you do this for about six or seven breaths,

That is a signal to the mind and the body that there is no threat and the parasympathetic nervous system starts to take over,

Which calms your response.

So you need to be able to practice breathing when you feel stressed or when you feel like you have to do something.

Now prime example is I am having to call a few people after this and for me it has been a challenge.

I've been procrastinating.

I have literally been putting this off for about six months and each time I think about it my heart rate goes up,

Everything is tense and I don't feel like I breathe.

So even by just doing this little practice of six to seven deep inhalations and longer exhalations,

We find that it's okay.

So let us take this 30 seconds just to close your eyes and try this for ourselves.

Breathe deeply in through your nose,

Hold for a moment and exhale slowly.

Important to keep the exhale longer than your inhale.

And do it for another six breaths.

Do this one.

Just feel the difference.

Feel the difference in your breathing now and how you are feeling.

Even the tone of your voice sometimes changes.

You may have noticed at the start of the conversations how my voice was and how it has actually changed into a bit more calmer voice.

At front I was a bit more excited and I was so keen to start this talk and to encourage all of you but now even just by taking this little practice I feel much calmer and more positive.

So that's one way we practice mindfulness into conversations which we might find difficult.

Now let's talk about how our thoughts influence our behaviors.

So the client,

If you go into a conversation thinking the client is impossible to please,

It's likely you will feel tense and react defensively.

So let's look at another example.

A sales representative struggled with a particular demanding client.

She's constantly worried and she says,

No matter what I do,

It won't be enough.

We worked on reframing this thought too.

I am here to understand their needs and find a solution together.

And it might take some time to get this reframing.

But this shift in mindset can transform your relationship with any client,

Any situation.

And with supporting attributes from mindfulness and supporting yourself in the right environment,

Knowing that when you get agitated you are taking your deep full breaths,

You can actually become more open,

Listen better,

And ultimately find a way to meet this client's expectations even though it may be demanding.

But when you go in with this new mindset of I am learning,

And I am open,

And with the mindset of this is what I do,

This is why I'm helping,

It changes.

So now if you think you are going to have someone like that in your life,

Even in work or in life general,

Before your next difficult conversation,

Write down your anxious thoughts about this and then challenge these thoughts.

So asking questions like,

Is this really true?

Is this really true what I believe?

No matter what I do,

It won't be enough.

Is that really true?

Or is it true that the client is not yet happy with the work we have done?

Or is it true that the client is not appreciating the work?

Is it true that the client needs a different approach?

And these are the things you can ask.

What evidence do I have?

So reframing these thoughts into more constructive ones like,

I am capable of handling this and I will approach it with kindness,

Clarity,

Compassion,

And acceptance can completely change your interaction.

Even just saying to yourself,

I am kind,

I am compassionate,

I am accepting,

And they are just human,

Bringing that common humanity element,

Completely transforms this,

Completely transforms this aspect of reality for you.

So another useful technique to navigate difficult conversations with clients and people involves associating positive emotional states with a physical gesture.

And those who are familiar with NLP might understand this as anchoring.

And those who are not familiar with neuro-linguistic programming,

It is just associating an emotional state.

So if you feel happy,

Connect your body and your mind into feeling certain.

So if you might have a gesture,

If you feel happy,

You touch your index finger and thumb.

And if you feel excited,

You feel,

I touch your middle finger and thumb and similar things you can cultivate.

So whenever you want to shift perspective or you want to change your mentality,

When you train this enough,

It becomes such a shortcut.

I don't,

I don't like shortcuts in general in life because I'm all about practice and the long game.

But there are some things we can do to immediately affect our state if we are needed.

This is very important in negotiations,

Is very important in time control situations where you are having a very short interaction with somebody who's important,

Like a investor.

For example,

We don't have that much time,

We might be struggling to keep up with their demands and this times you need to find that little bit of confidence or a little bit of anchoring which helps you associate some positive feelings to take action.

So let's do an example here.

So recall a time when you handled a tough situation successfully and start to relive that moment vividly,

How you felt.

And this is applicable not just in a work situation,

Again,

This is applicable in any life situations where you want to feel positive emotion quickly.

Relive how you felt,

How you spoke,

How you resented yourself and as you immerse yourself in that memory,

Make a physical gesture and this can be anything unique for you.

So I use this for my confidence in if I need a little bit of,

If I'm feeling anxious and I need some confidence,

This is what I've trained,

I've trained pressing my thumb and middle finger and a lot of people might disagree that it doesn't work,

It does not work,

It's just pseudoscience.

It works for me at least.

So try it,

Experiment,

Try different things for you.

And this gesture then becomes the anchor and you can do this before any challenging conversation to tap into that positive state,

Confident state.

So again,

I invite you to close your eyes,

Let's do this exercise,

Let's do a quick version of this exercise.

So try this,

I invite you to think of a time,

Closing your eyes,

If that's comfortable,

If you felt particularly confident or successful,

Maybe you achieved some wonderful task or promotion or you delivered a project on time or you got praise from senior leadership,

Anything.

Close your eyes and immerse yourself in this memory.

Maybe even a friend giving you valuable feedback which helped you with your job or your life,

Whatever made you confident.

Maybe something you did by yourself,

Maybe you created a reel and you feel happy.

Maybe you created a video,

You created a document,

You felt so happy,

Use that confidence.

And when you feel these positive emotions,

Press your thumb and forefinger or thumb and middle finger,

Thumb and a drink finger or thumb and little finger,

Something,

A gesture,

You can put your hand on your heart,

You can put your hand on your head,

You can be creative.

But that,

That gesture is yours.

Make it unique.

And this emotion,

Every time you feel it,

I invite you to train yourself to hold that gesture.

So when you feel confident next time,

Use that gesture.

And then over time,

You can do the opposite.

You can create that feeling from the gesture.

And this is what is called as anchoring.

And it's a powerful technique.

So that is another way to deal with a tough situation where you need to change quickly the state of play and be ready to take action.

So we've,

We've covered a few things here.

We've covered a few exercises,

A lot of dynamics in difficult conversations.

We used mindfulness to stay present,

Used a little bit of anchoring,

Reframing.

And each of these techniques is just a tool you can transform on how you handle these challenging situations.

Underlying it all is your daily practice,

The way in which you bring acceptance,

Kindness,

Loving kindness,

Gratitude and compassion to whatever it is that you do.

That is the bedrock of all of this.

And from there,

We can build the life we want,

The work we want.

So let us just do a short meditation to help solidify these practices.

This meditation will focus on grounding your emotions,

Setting a calm and positive intention for future conversations.

So I invite you to be wherever you are,

Just sitting comfortably,

Closing your eyes if that's okay.

Take a deep breath in and out.

As you breathe in,

Imagine calmness and clarity entering your body.

And as you breathe out,

Release any tension or anxiety.

Visualize a recent or upcoming difficult conversation.

See yourself approaching it with clarity,

Calmness and confidence.

Imagine listening deeply.

Imagine responding thoughtfully and feeling composed throughout.

And as you hold this vision,

Silently set an intention such as,

I am enough,

I am well,

I will handle challenging conversations with compassion and grace.

You can repeat this phrase,

I will handle challenging conversations with compassion and grace.

And continue to breathe deeply,

Noticing any weight of any stress just melting away with each exhale.

And when you're ready,

Just gently opening your eyes and re-engaging with whatever it is that you are doing right now and noticing what does this mean for you going forward.

So thank you for participating in this session.

Remember,

Difficult conversations are things we have to have,

But they don't have to be daunting.

They can be opportunities to build stronger relationships.

Find your uniqueness and your professionalism in work settings,

In your professional settings and show your commitment to clients or people you work with.

So using these tools,

There are many tools,

These are just three of them,

But hopefully it gives you a flavor into what is achievable,

What can be done and how you can approach each conversation with calmness.

And let's now take these insights forward and turn every challenge into a chance for positive growth.

So if you'd like to learn more,

Need support in integrating these practices into your work life,

Feel free to reach out and let me know if there is anything I can help you with.

Thank you for being part of this.

And before you go,

I would also like to end with a quote from Herman Melville,

It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.

So just be yourself because everybody else is taken.

And that is also a famous quote.

I don't remember who it was,

But thank you.

Thank you for being part of this.

See you in the next lesson or next session.

Cheers.