What do you think of when you hear the word vulnerability?
In the past,
I thought of it as weakness and definitely something I should try hard to avoid.
These days,
I'm much more inclined to see my natural human vulnerability as a beautiful aspect of who I am and my ability to embrace it as being a great strength.
The Collins English Dictionary defines vulnerability as capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt.
So it's not surprising,
Given this definition,
That I didn't want to be vulnerable.
Why would I want to let myself get wounded and hurt?
But this definition says nothing of the value of embracing our human vulnerability or the consequences of denying it.
It's a natural part of the human condition to be vulnerable.
Our physical bodies are vulnerable.
It's a normal part of life to become sick or injured.
And of course,
The inevitability of death is the ultimate vulnerability.
And human beings are emotional beings.
Some emotions feel good to us and others feel painful.
So we're naturally vulnerable to emotional pain.
Now,
We can reduce our physical vulnerability by making healthy choices.
For example,
Eating well,
Keeping fit,
Staying out of harm's way,
By avoiding things that are not good for us.
So the idea of doing whatever we can to avoid our emotional pain and vulnerability might at first glance seem to have a sound logic to it.
But in my experience,
It just doesn't work.
So I want to share a bit about my own personal experience.
My strategy in the past for avoiding my own vulnerability was to deny the parts of me that felt it.
So when I looked in the mirror,
I was willing to see the confident,
Happy parts of myself,
But much less willing to acknowledge and accept the parts that felt scared and not good enough.
Beautiful enough,
Not lovable enough,
Not whatever enough,
Just not enough.
And I saw those parts as flaws and weaknesses in what I consider to be an otherwise mostly acceptable me.
So I reinforced myself with affirmations of how good and beautiful I was and how good and beautiful I felt and showed the world my confidence,
My cleverness and my carefreeness.
I was very,
Very good at hiding my true vulnerability,
Even for myself.
So those parts of me were rarely met by myself or others,
So they couldn't receive love and connection.
And the longer I lived like this,
The more lonely and distanced from myself I became.
I was loved by those around me,
But the love couldn't sink in deeply enough to reach the parts that I had left out in the cold,
Because I considered them not even worthy of existing.
It was only when I reached a point of complete hopelessness and exhaustion from trying to hold together this edited version of myself that I finally broke open.
And I admitted to myself and to some supportive people around me that they were parts of me that felt deeply insecure and scared,
And that I was trying hard to be liked and loved by everyone just to feel basically okay.
And it wasn't working.
So at first this was terrifying.
I faced my friends,
Eye to eye,
Without the strategies that I believed kept me safe from being rejected,
Because I thought I would be rejected if I showed them who I really was and how I really felt.
I dropped the masks of confidence that I'd hidden behind,
And I let them see me.
I allowed myself to really feel my fear,
And I was terrified.
But at the same time,
I also felt love pouring into the parts of me that I disconnected from in my attempt to be perfect.
Rather than finding myself rejected by others,
Many people express their appreciation of being able to see,
And as a result love,
More of me.
I began to realize that these parts of me are livable,
So I was free to just be myself.
And it was okay to not feel good enough.
It didn't mean it was true.
I was no longer trying to protect myself by denying how some parts of me felt,
And to my surprise,
I even began to feel even more of my beauty as I let my whole self be felt and seen.
Embracing my vulnerability was,
And always will be,
The only way I could experience true,
Deep,
Loving connection with myself and others.
For me,
This is what is at the heart of vulnerability.
So you might want to do your own exploration,
Your own deep reflection of how vulnerable you allow yourself to be.
And it's a good idea to,
If you are going to open up and show more of yourself to others,
To do that with people that you really trust and feel safe with.
So maybe one or two others at the start,
If you're not used to showing yourself to others in this way.
And to,
Yeah,
Do your own exploration and find yourself in deeper connection with yourself,
Part of yourself that you have left out in the cold and rejected.
Just putting your arm around these parts of yourself,
Just acknowledging that they're here,
Acknowledging your vulnerability,
And see what's at the heart of vulnerability for you.
