Dear ones,
My name is Nathalie,
I am a spiritual healer and movement facilitator.
As a disclaimer,
This recording is not a substitute for individualized professional help.
One of my favorite spiritual teachers,
Lauren Krenn,
Says whether we like it or not,
Darkness,
Our pain,
Our wounds are our greatest spiritual teachers,
They initiate us into who we are meant to become.
With this podcast,
I want to share with you how it feels to be an avoidant in relationships and what has been my process to first become aware of it and then start a healing journey towards feeling secure.
What I'm about to share comes from both my experience and my perspective on the matter as a spiritual healer.
I did catch myself in avoidance and through a deep healing process,
Realized I was holding onto some strong painful beliefs and was avoiding connection and intimacy.
It is actually excruciatingly painful to be on that side,
Even though it doesn't seem like it.
If you are interested in self-love practices or want to understand human behaviors,
You will enjoy this podcast.
Yes,
I know it.
I know how it feels.
Are you in a relationship with an avoidant or perhaps suspecting that you or someone close has an avoidant personality?
Maybe you have reached a stage in your life where you feel like something is not right and it is time to face yourself.
Maybe you are currently questioning your own unhealthy behaviors and wondering if there is anything you could do to gain more clarity about your path.
With this podcast,
I intend to share with you how my intention of awareness and my spiritual practice have helped me in becoming more at peace with who I am and as an outcome,
They have improved the nature of my relationships.
I am far from being perfect,
Don't get me wrong,
Though I am definitely not the same as I was a decade ago or a few years ago.
In this podcast,
You will hear me talking about the avoidant attachment style.
For a deeper understanding,
I suggest that you check the work of Joan Baulby and Mary Ainsworth.
I think theories and concepts are very valuable.
They allow us to create a structure of solutions and perhaps have self-compassion and compassion for another,
Though I do believe we have a potential for evolution.
What we are now doesn't determine who we will be tomorrow.
From a spiritual perspective,
Everything can be seen through the eyes of love.
And from that place,
We might develop awareness and make changes about ourselves.
Having an avoidant personality or avoidant traits is not immutable or unchangeable.
I have been an avoidant and became aware of it all by myself.
From experience and from what I've learned,
The awareness comes from the avoidant person.
The change can only be initiated by the avoidant person.
So right now,
You might be thinking,
Well,
If my lover,
My partner,
The guy I have a crush on,
If they are an avoidant,
What's the point?
I would say that in understanding them,
You will have compassion for their behaviors.
You will know why they do what they do,
Why they say what they say,
Or why they don't say what they don't say,
Actually.
It is absolutely not an excuse to not respect yourself and to let yourself down.
I repeat that.
It is not an excuse to not respect yourself and let yourself down.
In understanding an avoidant trait,
You can actually learn to communicate with the person and perhaps create a better relationship with them.
There is no unique way to navigate a relationship with someone who demonstrates avoidance.
Staying,
Leaving this podcast is not about giving you a miraculous recipe to make that type of decision.
So let's get into the core of the topic for today.
First,
I want to remind you some distinctive features of someone with an avoidant personality.
Then I will share my personal journey,
How I felt when I was actually in that position of avoidance and what I did to change.
People with an avoidant personality show up as self-reliant and independent.
They do not complain openly,
Though you might sense from them some sort of resentment or displeasure sometimes.
They like to talk about ideas and things,
But they do not share much about themselves.
They get defensive during conflict or want to deal with it as quickly as possible.
They often run away when they are overwhelmed and they sometimes ask for space or they take some space for themselves.
They tend to not reply to messages quickly and they keep their life very busy.
They are always busy,
Even on a holiday.
So now,
I want to share about myself.
For the sake of protecting the people in my environment,
I will not go into too much detail.
Basically,
A decade ago,
I was someone who was busy.
Always busy.
I'm busy now or I'm busy planning the next day.
I was actually anxious,
But I did not know I was anxious because it was the norm for me.
I could not even label anxiousness.
I was unable to connect with my emotions.
I was repressed.
I was actually repressed at the time.
In my late 20s,
I fell deeply in love with someone and he was feeling the same.
I know.
I had no clue about what was going on internally.
I thought being in love was weak,
So I was very conflicted.
Being in love felt great,
But my belief was being in love is evidence of weakness.
I was conflicted.
I was living a very productive life and on the other side,
Allowing this aspect of me completely surrendered and wild.
I had no clue how to deal with this.
I was suffering from an inner conflict where my mind was telling me that I was wrong for being in love.
One day,
I decided to move away from that person.
Once my decision was made,
It literally took me two minutes to get over him.
Can you imagine?
Two minutes.
After building a connection with a person,
A deep connection,
Two minutes,
I cut off our deep connection and behaved like nothing had never happened.
Boom.
Done.
Like you throw your trash into the bin.
That's horrible,
Right?
I did suffer after that.
My life changed.
There was not one second when I was not actually thinking about that,
But I was escaping.
I was escaping it.
I was pushing it away hard.
How did I do that?
More busy.
I did repress all emotions,
Putting them down,
Shutting them down.
That was my way to be.
Being in love is weak.
That was my belief.
It took me eight years to face myself because after eight years,
I was sick of it.
Something was not right.
It was in 2012 and it was the beginning of my spiritual journey.
I decided to be radically honest with my emotions.
I went through facing deep sadness,
Facing regret,
Self-forgiveness,
And I definitely ditched the belief that being in love was weak.
That is only one example of my journey.
Another example I want to share with you,
An example of my avoidance,
Is that later on I noticed how overwhelmed I could be when I was in disagreement with someone.
Instead of speaking up,
I was always choosing to run away and pretending I had other things to do.
I realized that this behavior was actually a fear of connecting,
A fear of showing up differently.
Conflict is never pleasant,
Though I know today that healthy expression creates a bond between people.
It's a big topic.
I won't go into it today.
The fact is I was conditionally accepting myself.
I was unable to love myself for who I was.
I was loving myself only if.
So from that moment,
I decided that it was time to love myself unconditionally,
And if I wanted to create deep connections with others,
I had to work towards being okay,
Okay to reveal myself instead of escaping.
I hope this has helped you in some ways.
Perhaps it helps you to become aware of your pattern.
Perhaps you will develop self-compassion for another.
At the root cause of this avoidance very often is our childhood or some ancestral imprint.
You do have the power to be at peace,
My friend.
You do have the power to have healthy connections.
It starts with awareness and self-acceptance.
If you want to go deeper,
I suggest that you check my audio course on Insight Timer called The Keys to Empowerment and Freedom.
Thank you so much for listening.
Take care of yourself,
My friends.
