Finding The Courage To Be Present

In this episode, we discuss coping mechanisms – how we (choose to) respond to life. Some might say that with healing and evolving, you might be able to start choosing what you attract in your life, and I propose something else: finding the courage to be present in every moment, thus finding the grace and the deep joy that is being alive.

Transcript

This program was produced by and first broadcast on Radio Hawke's Bay,

Your community access media station.

Thanks to New Zealand On Air for making this type of programming possible.

Well,

Hello everyone and welcome to a new episode of It's a Funny Thing with Celine.

I am Celine and I am so happy that you're here today.

And the neighbor's dog has just started to bark.

Great timing.

Um,

So welcome to the show.

Welcome to the episode.

If you don't know me,

My name is Celine.

I have been coaching women mostly on self-love for the past,

Um,

Gosh,

Seven or so years.

My passion is really self-love,

Um,

Self-confidence,

Um,

Self-care and,

Um,

Self-respect.

This is how I came to,

Well,

Self-development,

Happiness for myself.

And this is what I love to teach.

And I find that whatever your problem is in life,

It's probably going to come down to your relationship with yourself,

How you treat yourself,

How,

You know,

What you think about yourself,

The secret thoughts that you have throughout the day about yourself.

Uh,

We all have those pesky negative thoughts that,

Um,

Really affects the way that we live our lives.

So my approach is to help you to find a space where you can be,

Um,

Present with those thoughts.

And it's not the easiest approach.

Everyone wants,

Um,

Quick healing,

A quick change,

A quick fix.

And you know,

That is why we developed those coping mechanisms like alcohol and drugs and,

You know,

And scrolling for hours on it on social media.

I was talking to a client the other day and she was,

We were talking about healthy mechanism and I wanted to know what she knew about what she knew about healthy coping,

Coping mechanism,

Which is like nothing comes to my mind.

You know,

I lock myself in my house for days on end,

Or I go to my phone and I lock myself in my room in the evening after work and after feeding the kids and,

And I play a game on my phone.

And that's,

That's what helps me to not think.

And,

Um,

The aim of the game is not to not think it is to think more consciously.

It is to recognize the weight of the thoughts that are bothering you or just their presence to start with and to find a way for you to develop resilience with those thoughts.

And so we start very gently,

You know,

By picking,

By picking one thought and to learn how to be present and okay with it without fighting or rejecting it.

And in a day when,

Where everything is convenient and easy and,

And,

Um,

Instant,

You know,

I,

I don't think that healing is instant.

I don't think that it is quick.

I don't think that it's necessarily easy.

Sometimes it is,

Sometimes it's wonderfully easy,

But most of the time,

Especially in the beginning,

It feels like an uphill battle.

It feels like,

You know,

One step that you have to take and it's the hardest step you've ever had to take in your entire life.

And then the next step feels exactly the same.

And so you give up for a while and then you start going to it again,

Because you know that finding that presence,

Finding that peace,

Because ultimately that's what you want.

You want to have peace in each and every area,

Every area of your life.

Sorry,

Guys,

I have got COVID at the moment.

And so this is a great time for me to catch up on recording these podcast episodes,

Because otherwise I just do not have the time.

So,

Um,

So I'm sorry if I sound strange,

I'm sorry if I muffle my,

And you know,

Um,

Mix up my words,

My brain is just not working at the moment,

But I'm still determined to get this content out there for you guys.

Because I know there's a core group out there,

A core group of you guys listening to the podcast again and again and again with people,

You know,

Floating,

Coming back and coming and going every now and again.

Um,

So I really record this,

This,

These episodes for you guys,

For those 20 or 50 or so group that's just,

Just,

Just there all the time.

So if you keep coming back month after month,

I imagine that you're getting something out of it.

So I need to show up for you guys.

Okay.

So,

Um,

Coming back to healing,

I don't know that I actually have anything else to say,

You know,

Ultimately it'll come down to you making a choice and it's,

It's all about that commitment.

You know,

Why are you choosing to be present with your thoughts?

You know,

People talk about wanting to heal themselves.

What does that mean?

You know,

You can spend the next 20 lives ignoring your stuff and it would work and you would develop coping mechanisms that work for you until they don't.

But why is it that you actually want to do this work?

It's not,

Not the easiest work.

I was just doing a training last week on,

On,

On suicide and self-harm and,

And New Zealand has the highest rates of suicide in the whole world.

And when I think about people in my life that have committed suicide or that have tried to take their own lives,

I think sometimes it just,

It feels like it's,

It's perhaps a belief system or a set of belief systems that has just gone from bad to worse until it almost seems impossible to fix.

And,

And perhaps that's the reason why you might want to embark on this journey that you don't want to,

To get from bad to worse.

You don't want to develop those coping mechanisms that will develop and to become,

That will become addictions.

You don't want to hurt your body.

You don't want to hurt the people around you.

That is an excellent reason,

But I would really invite you to have a look at your why,

Because yeah,

It will help you to develop resilience.

So I was looking at,

I've been doing a lot of research lately,

But I was looking into research done on the effects of trauma on the brain,

Especially in the first two years of your life.

I can't remember what the name of the scientist,

The guy was.

Oh,

It's escaped my mind.

It doesn't matter.

The guy was saying that in the face of trauma,

You will either develop resilience or you will develop more trauma.

So trauma will breed trauma or it will invite resilience.

And the way that your brain makes the choice is depending on experiences that you've already had.

So your brain works with connections,

Right?

So think about,

You know,

The first connection,

The first memory,

The first experience you've had as a child,

As a baby,

Coming out of the womb,

It was probably a brightly lit space.

It was probably your mom yelling.

There was probably interesting smells and people holding you for the first time.

So your brain made those first connections then,

Right?

And so it goes from there.

And if you've had horrible experiences,

Especially in the first two years of your life,

Where your brain has really had to work especially hard to try and make sense of the world,

Then you're more likely,

Your brain is more likely to breed trauma from trauma instead of building resilience.

And so the guy was saying,

And I'm very sorry,

I can't remember the name,

It's just completely gone.

He was saying that,

You know,

We talk about healing a lot and healing is not just coming in the form of meditation and breath work and whatever,

You know,

A healer coming to heal you.

Although that can be the shape that it takes for coaching,

Whatever.

But it's also taking the shape of you,

You know,

Taking small moments for yourself,

You know,

Having micro moments of therapy that are given to you by different people in your life.

So healing comes from connection.

Healing comes from connection.

So the question is,

Well,

You know,

Do you have a support network around you?

And I don't necessarily mean that as people that you're always going to talk to about your problems.

It's just,

You know,

Sometimes having a nice cup of coffee with your mother-in-law can be deeply,

Deeply healing,

Even if you haven't,

You know,

Talked about your problems or talked about what is bothering you.

Going to the ocean and listening or watching the sunset or whatever can be deeply healing in itself as well.

So time in nature,

Nutritious food,

Exercise,

Moving your body,

You know,

We're all too busy to exercise our bodies.

And then,

You know,

I'll be the first to raise my hand.

But there's so much to say about exercise and how much it will heal you.

So don't focus so much on listening to endless podcasts because I don't know how much your brain is actually hearing,

But focus on other ways of nurturing yourself.

So we talked about micro moments of therapy.

So that's surrounding yourself with people that you love,

You know,

Great conversations or not,

Or just doing an activity.

You know,

Together,

We just had a working being in my garden with my lovely in-laws and we spent the whole day and it was exhausting.

But at the end of the day,

We just got so much done and we just spent time together and we had regular breaks and it was one of the most amazing moments I've had with my in-laws.

And it's,

You know,

I felt really good at the end of it and them as well.

And it wasn't because I talked about all my stuff or they talked about all their stuff.

It was because we were together out in the sunshine doing something wonderful.

And we felt proud of ourselves at the end of the day.

It was wonderful.

It was a moment of therapy.

And we were outside as well,

You know,

Moving our bodies and so on.

And there was cake.

Anyway,

That's not really what I wanted to talk about today.

What I wanted to talk about today,

And it's quite ironic that I bring this up today,

Is this saying,

If you don't pick a day to rest,

Your body will pick it for you.

If you don't pick a day to rest,

Your body will pick it for you.

And there is so much to say about rest.

And today I had to call in sick for work and I felt really guilty about it.

And I was awake at 3am,

You know,

Worrying about things,

But also not feeling good,

Not managing to go back to sleep.

And I was thinking about this,

Like,

Why is it that we feel guilty when we want to slow down and rest?

I can't say I have the answer.

Maybe you do,

And I'd love for you to share it with me.

Again,

We come back to presence.

You know,

If you sit down with that guilt of having to call in sick and letting down,

You know,

Your colleagues and your patients or your clients or whatever,

Then what is it that you're truly worried about?

Yes,

You might have an unhealthy relationship with your work,

And I certainly do.

And that's where it comes down to,

Right?

We can always go more deeper and deeper beneath the surface.

And I've been thinking about this thing for a little while now,

And I've come to think that my organizational skills and my efficiency have become a part of me.

And it's the way that people see me,

Right?

They see Celine as so efficient and she's just got,

You know,

She has it,

You know,

She has it together.

She can manage several things at once.

She's always got,

You know,

Dinner on the table and the house is tidy and everything is always ready and prepared.

And for a long time,

For many years,

It was something that I took a lot of pride in.

And I do believe that,

You know,

Organization being organized is a huge time saver because you're not,

You know,

Wasting time in the morning looking for your outfits or,

You know,

Trying to find something that fits and,

Oh no,

The washing is all together on a pile,

You know,

In a pile on the floor.

You're not wasting time doing this stuff because you just do things in sequence and it just helps you to live your life and do the things that you actually love.

But it became this thing that really defined me and I,

It became to the point where it was becoming a hindrance because people were relying on me too much because they knew that I always had what they needed.

You know,

As a child,

I always had,

You know,

The right pencil or the right pen or the right,

You know,

Kind of paper that you needed to have for that certain kind of class at school.

And people would always ask me,

Like,

Oh,

Can I borrow this?

Can I borrow that?

Oh,

Can I have a tissue?

And I didn't have any friends or many friends anyway and I always said yes because I wanted them to be my friends and I wanted to do something nice for them.

But then I came to the point where they were just asking me and they're like,

Oh my god,

You're so nice,

Celine,

Thank you so much.

But it never turned into friendship and it was quite hollow actually.

And I came to realize that my organization there was not serving me,

You know,

It was not serving them because it was not teaching them to be more organized.

They were like,

It's all right,

I don't need to think about this because Celine will just lend it to me.

And that's not the way I wanted to live my life but I was too shy to say fuck off.

And so I've started to think about why I have been organized and so that's what I wanted to talk to you about,

You know,

Those stories that run our lives that we're deeply,

Deeply unconscious about.

You know,

It's one thing to talk about,

You know,

Your partner not doing the washing and,

You know,

Not exercising enough and eating those,

You know,

That,

I don't know,

Bag of chocolate snacks at the end of the day,

Whatever,

Or scrolling on your phone for hours on end or whatever.

But,

You know,

What is beneath the surface?

What is truly running your life?

And if you might,

You might like to think of it as your life being a ribbon and that deep belief system or that deep way of living your life is the undercurrent.

So think about the people in your life and every person that you know,

Every single person that you know is completely unique and has a specific way of living their lives.

So,

You know,

That person might be really lucky,

That person might,

You know,

Not like to go out of their house,

That person might always be drunk on the weekend and this sort of thing always seems to happen to that sort of person.

And you don't really know why,

But it just sort of always seems that person might,

I don't know,

Always have amazing things happening to them and truly be happy.

And you're like,

Yeah,

That's just the way this person is.

And it's amazing for them,

But it's not the way it's happening for me.

And so I might like you to,

I would like you to,

To think about the undercurrent of your own life.

You know,

How do people see you?

Why might they always say about you?

And you might like to ask this question and see what comes out.

You might need to have several conversations about it actually,

Because they might not understand what you're trying to get to.

And so I'll try to explain it more.

So in my,

From my perspective,

It could be two things.

It could,

It either be either be,

Sorry,

An experience or a series of experiences that have shaped you.

So trauma or really remarkable experiences in a positive or negative way.

So experiences that have either built resilience or foster trauma.

It could be experiences that have shaped the,

Shaped your life.

So for a person I know it's,

You know,

It's repeated abuse as a teenager that has shaped their life and the way they live their life and the way they approach relationship and the way they approach every single area in their life is marked by this experience,

These experiences.

That could be one thing that could be like really important moments of your life,

Like moments that have defined you.

Or the second thing,

It could be,

It could be the way that your soul wants to experience life.

And you recognize this in the moments of divine timings and divine timings are these moments in your life that were like,

Yeah,

It was always going to happen this way.

So I had such a moment when I met my husband,

You know,

I,

We both knew that we were going to be really special for each other before we even started to date and it didn't take long for us to start to date.

But I knew even when I first met him and we didn't have the most satisfying conversation when we first met,

But I knew that this was going to be a person that was going to be defining in my life.

It was a moment of recognition rather than,

Oh,

It's nice to meet you.

You look nice.

It was a moment of recognition.

I remember that very clearly.

And I think that it was the same with Richard.

So the moments of divine timings are moments where your whole life seems to change.

Your whole life seems to take on a new trajectory.

So have a think about your life,

Have a look at your life,

Have a look at your past and see what's experiences have shaped you.

What divine timings have shaped me?

What experiences is my soul trying to give me?

What's,

What am I really trying to experience in this life?

Why is it that I have lived my life this way?

And there is,

You can give me so many answers,

But I want you to go even deeper and even deeper and even deeper.

It's not just my mother raised me this way.

And these are the generational patterns and I was never told to make my own money as a woman.

So I don't know how to do that now.

And so I'm going to rely on my partner.

Go deeper beneath the surface.

Why did you choose your partner in the first place?

Why did you choose your mother?

Why did you choose your parents?

What experiences did you know you were going to have from the childhood that you had because you were raised by those,

By that set of parents?

And,

You know,

Healing comes from awareness.

I really,

Truly believe in that it comes from awareness.

And then it comes from knowledge,

From learning that you can do something,

You can do things differently.

You can do them better.

And all you need is the knowledge.

And the knowledge comes from,

You know,

The elder.

In our lives,

They come from sentences in books.

They come from messages in the sky.

They come from mindfulness and taking the time to do nothing and letting our bodies rest,

Taking the time to integrate what is going on for us,

Letting our brain have a bit of a rest from trying to see if that thing is going to be dangerous or is it going to be safe,

If that new situation is going to be dangerous or safe,

Taking the time to be present.

What does that mean for you?

I'd love to know.

And I think we'll leave it here for today.

I hope that you learned what you needed to learn from today's episode and I will see you next time.

I'm sending you lots of love.

Bye.