Passive-Aggressive Behaviour : How To Spot And Deal With It

This episode explores passive-aggressive behavior, its different manifestations, and the reasons why people engage in it. The negative effects of this behavior on relationships are discussed, and practical tips are provided to deal with it. Examples of common scenarios where passive-aggressive behavior may arise are given. The episode emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing this behavior to promote healthy and positive interactions.

Transcript

The dangers of passive aggressive behavior.

How to spot it and deal with it.

Passive aggressive behavior is one of the most common behavior type which people show when they are in conflict.

So what I'm going to cover today is the definition of passive aggressive behavior.

What causes passive aggression?

The signs of passive aggressive behavior.

So you know somebody or yourself is showing the signs of passive aggressive behavior.

So it helps you identify it.

Impact of passive aggressive behavior.

Common phrases of passive aggressive behavior.

So what are the words people use which are deemed as passive aggressive behavior?

How to deal with passive aggressive people.

So if somebody else is behaving in certain way which you feel it's passive aggressive,

How you can deal with it.

And the last one is recognize and change your own passive aggressive behavior because we all behave sometimes when we are in conflict in certain way which could be deemed as passive aggressive behavior.

So before we get into the detail of the information,

I'll share some of the data.

There was a survey which was done by Preply in the American workplace and what they have found was 73 percent of American workers said they had experienced passive aggression at work.

52 percent admit to being passive aggressive at work themselves.

So yes we also behave in certain way that could be classified or identified as passive aggressive behavior.

38 percent feel their workplace incentivizes.

So the workplace promotes passive aggressive communication.

The other thing which I see when I work with relationship issues,

Most of them starts with very small and shuttle passive aggressive behavior.

So in the initial days,

If you can recognize,

You can stop getting the relationships destroying.

So passive aggressive is a starting of having issues with relationships.

So the definition of passive aggressive behavior is a pattern of indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of openly addressing them.

So when people are showing passive aggressive behavior,

Most of them,

They are not directly telling you what is wrong.

There is a disconnect between what a person who exhibits the passive aggressive behavior,

So what they say and what they do is different.

So that is one of the very simple definition of passive aggressive behavior.

So what you say and what you do is different.

What causes passive aggressive behavior?

So what are the key causes of that?

So deep anger,

Deep anger is one of the main reason,

Hostility and frustration.

That is the key emotions which a person who is experiencing or showing passive aggressive behavior,

Right,

And they are not comfortable expressing directly their frustration,

Their anger and their hostility.

So signs of passive aggressive behavior.

How do you know somebody is showing the signs of passive aggressive behavior?

So one of them is they disappear.

So they don't engage,

They don't talk to you and they ghost you.

The other one is they give you a backhanded compliment.

So I saw you did the dishes.

I was surprised.

One way they are praising you and other way they are just saying,

Oh I'm surprised that you did that work.

Give you the silent treatment.

This happens in couples most of the time which we call it stonewalling as well.

So give you silent treatment so they don't talk with you.

So that is also a passive aggressive behavior.

Indirectly refuse your requests.

Not tell you no but also not to do what you have asked for.

So this is what at times you experience with your kids.

They don't say no but they don't follow your instructions at times and that is frustrating.

Make excuses rather than say what is on their mind,

Right.

So they are trying to avoid the task or instructions or the command which was given if you are at a workplace.

Procrastinate when you have asked them to do something so similar to above.

So they keep delaying the thing which you have asked for.

Respond to your request with sarcasm.

So they show sarcasm.

So yes as we said,

Ah yes you have done amazing job but I'm surprised you did it.

Right,

So something like that.

So they show sarcasm.

What is the impact of passive aggressive behavior?

So it is a lethal behavior trait people use at times as we have seen in the definition that people are not able to express clearly.

Maybe because there is a higher authority or you might feel okay I'm going to hurt someone or passive aggressive behavior is a type of behavior people use to take revenge as well,

Right.

So what is the impact of passive aggressive behavior?

The first one which we see is communication breakdown.

So when people are not showing the attachment or smooth communication,

Passive aggressive behavior can create a barrier to effective communication,

Right.

So it becomes very difficult to express the needs,

Feelings and opinions clearly to each other.

So communication breakdown happens.

That is the first thing which happens.

Relationship problems as I've said,

It causes relationship problems and it can lead to feelings of frustration,

Anger and resentment.

Emotional distress,

Obviously the person who is showing the behavior and the person who is experiencing the behavior,

They are going through emotional distress when they are getting the passive aggressive behavior.

Decreased productivity,

Yes,

In workplaces this is mainly which happens when you're frustrated,

When you're angry,

You are not able to do the work at your full potential,

Right.

So it creates a toxic work environment and gossip is one of the things which increases when there is a lot of passive aggressive behavior.

It undermines confidence as well.

So when people are certain way talking to you,

It diminishes your confidence.

So this is what I deal with a lot of kids when their parents say certain things to maybe motivate them but they are using words in such a way that it is not increasing their confidence to do the task but instead of it's demotivating.

So it reduces confidence as well.

You lose opportunities.

So the impact of passive aggressive behavior,

You lose opportunities.

So passive aggressive behavior can limit opportunities for personal and professional growth as it can make it difficult to establish and maintain positive relationships.

So when you are not in a positive relationship,

You are losing opportunities.

So now I'm going to share with you some of the most common phrases that sounds like passive aggressive behavior.

This is not the complete list.

At times the tone of the voice,

The context of the voice,

The person who is saying the words,

Right?

It all depends on classifying that as a passive aggressive behavior.

So in general life people say,

Oh I guess it's fine.

Whatever you think is best.

It's okay.

I'm used to it.

I was just joking.

I'm not sure if you are aware but and then you give a reason.

If that's what you really want to do,

Go ahead.

You're right.

I'm wrong.

It's not a big deal.

I will do it myself.

Don't worry.

It's fine.

I'll figure it out on my own.

So this is what you use or what you hear commonly in just normal day to day life.

In workplaces there are certain common ones which I'll share a few of the few five or ten of them.

The first one goes like,

I thought you knew that already.

The way people say this at times becomes passive aggressive.

I'm not sure you are ready for that kind of responsibility.

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you were so sensitive.

I don't want to step on anyone's toes but and then they give a reason.

I will let you handle it however you want.

I don't think that's a good idea but it's your call.

I don't mean to be difficult but I can see you are really busy.

You are really busy so I won't bother you with this.

I'm not saying it's wrong but it's not what I would have done.

I don't want to start any drama but I heard.

So these are some of the common words or statements people use which could be classified mainly as passive aggressive behavior.

So now how to deal with passive aggressive people.

So when you are experiencing,

So you are at the receiving end,

How are you able to manage these passive aggressive people?

So passive aggressive,

There are two kind of personality.

One is passive communicators and then there is the other ones are the aggressive communicators,

Right?

So the passive communicators,

They battle to express their needs and stand by their convictions,

Right?

So they are like introverts could be a common term which you can use.

This is because they want to avoid conflict,

Right?

So passive communicators,

They don't like conflicts.

So they may be silent during crucial meetings or communications or conversations.

If they do make a suggestion and it is challenged,

They may say,

Never mind then,

Right?

So passive communicators is one which you need to manage,

Right?

What you can do with them when you are in a group setting and there are people who are passive communicators,

If you identify them,

What you can do is talk to them one-on-one because in groups people fear to express their opinion.

So talk to them one-on-one.

Offer them multiple modes of communication.

So what you can do is they can chat with you,

They can email you,

You can talk to them.

You can give them a call.

You can give them a call.

You can give them a interview at times verbally speaking with a boss or a higher authority is hard for them.

So you can give other multiple modes of communication.

That is another way to managing the passive communicator.

So make them psychologically safe at work or in the relationship,

Right?

So when people feel fear,

They most of the time do not voice their opinion,

Right?

So make them psychologically safe in the conversation.

So this is what you can do with passive communicators.

Now the aggressive communicators,

To be honest with you,

They voice their opinions in straightforward and blunt way,

Which is a challenge when you are in a group setting or a work setting,

Right?

They often interrupt others.

They take up significantly more time.

They like to show their importance.

There are few strategies which you can do.

One is outline and enforce boundaries,

Right?

So if you are in a work setting or a group setting and people are interrupting you and they are showing aggressive behaviors,

Show them their boundaries,

Right?

Be clear and tell them you cannot interrupt.

You cannot say these words.

You cannot make somebody feel this way,

Right?

So outline and enforce their boundaries.

Give them a safe and healthy way to vent their anger.

So aggressive people,

Mainly the hidden feelings are anger,

Right?

They are under pressure in certain way.

So you pull them aside and speak with them and try to work it out.

What is hidden behind this behavior?

How can you manage this behavior in certain ways so they don't hurt other people?

That's a way to deal with the aggressive behavior showing people,

Right?

There are other five things which you can do with both type of people.

Address the behavior directly.

So it's always important to address the behavior directly with the person who is showing this passive-aggressive attitude,

Right?

So directly and calmly you can have a conversation.

Be assertive,

Right?

You don't have to be angry or shout but use assertive communication.

Express your needs and boundaries clearly.

That is another way to deal with people who are passive-aggressive.

Don't engage in the behavior,

Right?

So you don't want to play the way they are doing or showing the passive-aggressive behavior.

Stay focused on the issue at hand and try to find a solution rather than arguing about what you did and how you did and this is right and this is wrong.

Look for underlying issue,

Right?

So try to understand if it is possible.

Try to understand what is causing this behavior.

Where is this anxiety,

The resentfulness,

This is sadness.

Where is this coming from?

Try to sit with the person and try to work it out.

Set consequences.

So if the behavior continues,

Set consequences,

Right?

So you can be very clear and you can tell them if this behavior continues,

I have to maybe escalate to the supervisor,

A mediator and then I have to take certain steps.

So set consequences.

So these are the five simple ways which you can deal with these people.

Address the behavior directly,

Be assertive,

Don't engage in the behavior,

Look for underlying issues and set consequences.

Now if you are at a receiving end,

So if you are at the receiving end of passive-aggressive commands from a co-worker or a partner or somebody else in your family,

What you can do is,

There are some simple three-step thing which you can do is identify and label the intensity of it,

Right?

So he said that or she said that,

So am I angry or am I annoyed,

Right?

So what is the intensity of it?

So trying to identify the feeling.

Don't associate the emotions with yourself.

So don't say I'm angry,

Instead say that there is anger in me.

So this is detaching your emotions from yourself,

Right?

So it helps you deal with this kind of frustration,

Sadness,

Anger type of emotion.

So don't associate the emotions with yourself.

Don't react in the moment,

Let it go for a time.

So this is very important when you are at a receiving end,

You want to give an answer back and you want to get into an argument with a person who is showing this passive-aggressive behavior.

But it is always wise to not react in the moment,

Just observe the behavior and later on you can say,

When you made this comment,

It made me feel this way,

Right?

So later on you can explain to them what you did was hurtful and this is how it made me feel.

So can we do something about it,

So it does not get repeated.

Now we all show passive-aggressive behaviors as well,

Right?

So we are not saints and we also at times intentionally or not intentionally show behaviors or say things which are passive-aggressive,

Right?

Which could hurt other people.

So what you can do about it,

There are certain questions which you can ask yourself,

Which can help you identify or recognize that are you showing passive-aggressive behavior.

So one of that question is,

Do you often find yourself sulking when you are unhappy with someone?

The second one you can ask is,

Do you avoid people with whom you are upset?

So when you are upset,

Do you avoid people?

Do you ever stop talking to people when you are angry with them?

So do you take long silence and do you disappear from the people when you are angry with them?

Do you put off doing things as a way to punish others?

So do you procrastinate?

Do you not listen to the instructions?

So do you put off doing things?

Do you use sarcasm to avoid engaging in meaningful conversations?

So rather than speaking directly about how you feel,

You are using sarcasm to avoid the proper conversation with the person.

So these are some of the questions which you can use to identify if you are doing or showing passive-aggressive behavior so it helps you recognize.

What you can do is to change if you are regularly showing this passive-aggressive behavior which could be 100% impacting your relationship at workplace or in your normal day-to-day life.

So there are steps which you can take which can help you take control of your own passive-aggressive behavior.

So improving self-awareness is the first step.

So passive-aggressive actions sometimes stem from not having a good understanding of what you are feeling.

Start paying attention,

Self-awareness,

Meditation.

So I work with people which is the first thing.

Why are you frustrated?

Why are you stressed?

What is this anxiety means to you?

Try to understand and improve your self-awareness.

Maybe expressive writing is one of the ways which can help you.

I have videos about expressive writing on my YouTube channel which is a very simple way to learn about who you are,

What you like and what makes you frustrated.

The second step which you can take is give yourself time to make changes.

Once you understand this is why I am feeling resentful,

Sad,

Angry,

Right?

Towards change what you can do is be patient with yourself and maybe choose one of the area of your life.

Okay,

Workplace I am always passive-aggressive.

So I want to focus on I am mostly passive-aggressive with this person.

So I want to try to change,

Be aware of that,

Take baby steps,

Right?

If you are passive-aggressive with your kids maybe focus on that area first rather than changing your whole personality in day one.

What you can do is take small steps and give your time to change.

The other one is practice expressing yourself,

Right?

So as we become self-aware as I said the first step,

Once you become self-aware expressing yourself is another step which you can do which will help you not bottle up your emotions.

So when we keep bottling up our emotions,

The stress,

Anxiety,

Depression and there are a lot of other psychological problems which starts happening,

Right?

So practice expressing yourself which is going to help you become a better communicator and that is going to reduce your stress as well.

We covered a lot of things,

The definition,

The common phrases,

When you are at the receiving end what you can do when you are the culprit.

So when you are showing the passive-aggressive behavior there are strategies which we have discussed about how you can manage different ways of passive communicator,

Aggressive communicators,

What you can do at workplace,

What you can do when you are the person who is showing this behavior.

I want to leave you with a quote at the end,

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

So thank you very much for spending this time with me.

I hope you have enjoyed and learned something from this conversation.

Reviews

great talk and info. learning about p/a behavior has helped me learn to not take others harsh or cynical behavior personally. huge step for me 😎😎😎

I really got a lot of information from this and a very impressed and appreciative for this speaker. Thank you