Mindful Parenting Primer

Parenting can be one of the most rewarding and beautiful experiences that life has to offer. It can also be very difficult and challenging and it can feel like it's getting the best of us. Mindfulness practice can help us to find a way to navigate challenges and celebrate beauty with greater depth and wisdom. 15 minutes

Transcript

Hello,

I'm Michael Morphis really glad to be here with you today for our mindfulness parenting session and If you're here Suppose you're either a parent or considering becoming a parent and it's really truly one of the most profound and Intense journeys that I think we can take as human beings It's kind of really funny that um You know in a way It's kind of like it was so easy to become a parent on certain levels and yet if we want to be caring and responsible parents we Might have gotten ourselves into more than we bargained for especially nowadays If we were part of a nuclear family growing up a lot of us weren't really exposed to what it is to take care of a child until we had our own and to really Be in there day to day,

You know,

Especially with the younger ones It's non-stop vigilance if you're lucky enough to have Support and things of that nature.

It certainly can help a lot,

But a lot of us don't have that we're just kind of having to do everything on our own and There are a lot of really incredibly beautiful things that go with parenting and there's some really really challenging ones a little bit about my story my ex and I we Had very different views on Children,

I didn't necessarily think I wanted to have children She knew that she did and it turned out if we wanted to be together.

That's what was gonna happen.

So I decided to go for it and Once you decide to do something in life,

You know,

You really have to Follow through and there were moments where I felt like well,

I didn't sign up for this You know when it became challenging or difficult and then I had to do a really serious Reality check and be like well,

You absolutely did sign up for this Maybe you didn't read the fine print or know what you're getting yourself into but now that they are here you really have to step up and be You know your best self for these little folks that didn't ask to be here,

Right?

That's my takeaway from parenting to a large degree is that our children.

They didn't ask to be here we brought them here and Sometimes when they don't do what we want them to do or they don't behave that they want to behave There's a lot of reactivity And so I've noticed that and I've really tried to work on it and I think that my mindfulness practice has helped a lot So what does our mindfulness practice enable us to do in terms of parenting?

So the mindfulness practice does our helps in parenting I think the way that helps with everything is Perhaps first and foremost getting us in tune with the part of ourselves that is calmer centered more balanced Changing the neural pathways the physiological neurological pathways that enable us to access those parts of ourselves and and It's quite remarkable.

I think if you're a parent or again,

You're considering one or have been around them how quickly We can go from being pretty relaxed to pretty agitated and these are Pathways,

These are habit patterns It's not like they're gonna change probably in the blink of an eye or after we sit once or twice,

But if we're aware There there's habit patterns kicking in that don't feel so helpful if we tend to fly off the handle if we tend to get really Frustrated or feel overwhelmed there are a lot of a lot of Ways that we can work with this so as with all mindfulness practices The first thing that we need to do is to practice radical honesty and say,

Okay Well here I am and and this is speaking and I think this goes both ways So I'll address the challenges first and then of course there are the beautiful parts So when we're challenged to first be patient with ourselves be compassionate with ourselves Realizing that this is a huge responsibility that we've taken on and to say,

Okay.

Well here I am I've been triggered maybe I just said or did something that I didn't really want to do or say and then just kind of feel it deeply and I think that you know,

I know that I've Kind of raised my voice at my kids and I always feel regret afterwards.

I always feel like And this is kind of one of the themes and this is a big one in these teachings Is that nobody can make you happy or sad?

Nobody can make you do anything right there are triggers and then there are reactions or responses and so as mindfulness practitioners as seekers for Being beings that are capable of higher levels of empathy and care and love To accept this responsibility and it could be a hard pill to swallow be like well This person made me feel this way or the child did this.

So,

Of course,

I was going to be angry These are really very very Subjective prospects perspectives and I think that in the Dharma we really think it's my responsibility.

My reactions are always my responsibility like Somebody can literally punch me in the face And what I do next is up to me like I can either punch them back or I can try to figure out What's the next best thing to do and nobody can answer that question for us and every situation is different but It seems like all the studies are pointing to all the child rearing and child psychological studies are rearing towards are pointing towards that calm Compassionate caring Responses from parents are what the most helpful to children yelling at them hitting them all these very old-world Kind of quote-unquote normal responses tend to do a lot of damage And so I think one of the beautiful things about studying the Dharma now is we have a lot of good Supporting science to say,

Okay.

Well,

There is a good reason to be more compassionate There is a good reason to be more caring and loving to be less explosive to be less reactionary And so if we populate our mind with this type of information When we find that our buttons and got pushed We can kind of say okay.

Well,

I'm about to say or do something that I may regret that may be damaging and What's what's an option and the good news is that as long as we're alive and conscious we always have options.

So So we take a deep breath.

We figure out am I overwhelmed?

Can I get a little help here?

Right and so that that things that we do in order to navigate Into a place where we are happier parents more caring and loving parents and more functionally effective parents Can start with this mindful awareness of well,

What's actually going on right now?

How am I feeling and so again if it's a strong and intense and difficult feeling?

Being with your breathing can really help to ground and Center you I've been using a phrase a lot lately like okay find your Dharma Find the part of you that you've been working on your caring part your loving part you're a part that's concerned and interested about being a nice person and let that become the more prevalent voice in your minds and in your heart and So and this takes work and again,

It may not happen overnight But I found that as soon as I can think along those lines I am usually capable of you know,

If there's a high level of reactivity to dial it down,

You know And so,

You know,

Maybe even you know figure out okay.

Well,

What's the better way to work with this?

I'll tell a story in a minute,

But on the other side We can use mindfulness to really truly appreciate When the moments are lovely and to really show up so I found with my kids I have a three-year-old and an eight-year-old when I am fully present in the moment with them.

It's usually quite amazing I don't have my own agenda and that doesn't mean that when we need to get something done that it's all about what they want You know But it's like when this free time when there's play time when we can be together in quality time when I'm fully there It's amazing,

Right?

It's really really great.

It's joyful.

It's actually really fun There's very little conflict.

It seems like they can pick up on the energy that I'm really there with them But sometimes if I'm tired if I'm distracted if I'm on my phone while they're trying to play with me This push and pull starts to happen So another thing about mindfulness is being in the present moment present moment awareness present moment feeling and the acknowledgement of the relevance of that attempt to be in the moment and I think children are particularly Perceptive and Attuned to whether or not we are there with them or whether or not we'd be like to be somewhere else And so I think that if we care about being present parents that we have to keep noticing Well,

Am I really here or would I rather be somewhere else?

And again a key component to doing these practices is radical Honesty,

And sometimes if we simply admit like I'd rather be anywhere but here this is a torture It sometimes it is it just feels so difficult We'd rather be out having fun or just on our own doing work or you know Hang out their friends or working on a project But we have to parent and so as soon as we can acknowledge these types of truths for ourselves We're back in quote-unquote reality,

Right?

What's actually going on and at least we have a fighting chance to work with ourselves to figure out?

Okay.

Well,

I can't be doing these other things now.

I have to be here So,

How can I do it more wholeheartedly and more completely?

So When we do a mindfulness practice what we're doing is kind of two things We are practicing this present moment awareness getting better at saying yes to whatever is here with us being more in touch with reality quote-unquote and then it turns out and the neuroscience is supporting this the brain science is supporting this that when we let go of kind of Associating everything that's going on with the pronouns of self me mine I and just look at it more as part of nature So that's what we do this kind of thing when we're labeling in our mindfulness practice We're noticing what the mind is knowing we see if we can drop the personal pronouns and just say well The mind is knowing sound the mind is knowing a smell or a taste The mind is knowing being really agitated with my kid right now And so we don't take it so personally and it's what seems to be happening with the neuroscience is showing is that the brain centers?

That are most heavily associated with stressing us out at churning out large amounts of stress hormones and Drive us into habitual reactivity are the same brain centers that are self-referential me mine.

I Myself right and so we kind of get out of that mode a little bit and we view ourselves as part of nature and we View the dynamic as part of nature and it just becomes more accessible and more workable And so this is a huge relief.

So we sit and we do our practice and you know,

Of course if the children are Needing attention or tugging at our our at our clothing for attention There's a way to practice even then But if we can have a few moments a day where we kind of sit quietly and get more familiar with this part of ourselves That is able to be a quiet watcher We'll be getting more familiar It's like hanging out with a really amazing person right that amazing person is within you the calm relaxed observer the wise one who knows the difference between reacting and overreacting between when we're in a good space and we're getting pulled into a challenging space and And and these are hugely useful things to be exploring and considering so Yeah,

Yeah,

It's the kids,

You know,

It's always something How you know how many times you have to tell your kid to get dressed for school,

Right?

Like my eight-year-old It's like super smart very precocious very outgoing really lovely I have to tell them ten times put on your shoes get your socks on get dressed It's kind of like it can be maddening and yet in the Dharma We try to cultivate an attitude where things turn from being a problem to being an opportunity.

We call this sometimes reframing So we tend to get and I know that I personally do this like this is a problem You know,

This is bothering me.

This is really pissing me off.

And so when I'm kind of caught up into my more Condition reactivity that's not so useful.

That's where the mind tends to go when I'm in my Dharma I look at it.

It's like okay.

Here's an opportunity to Have a different perspective and I'll just tell a very short story I was trying to teach my son the times tables the nine times table and we were going over in this very very dry way And he was just kind of like bucking against it and didn't want to do it anymore And it's kind of like he's something that you know,

I didn't he didn't really need to do it But I wanted him to do it and so it became a conflict and he was actually kind of almost crying at one point Of course,

I felt like a monster and then I was kind of connecting with my Dharma I was like,

Well,

How can I work with this situation where it's gonna turn it around and You know make a traumatic and dramatic situation into a better one And I realized my son is really really good at remembering the lyrics to songs Like he can hear a song once or twice and he's just got this ability to remember the lyrics and he likes music So I reapproached him.

I said well,

Let's make up a song around the nine times table and he's kind of into rap And so like we made up this very silly rap song about the nine times table and literally Within 10 minutes.

He had memorized the whole thing And I'm usually not that successful in figuring out really healthy ways to change a situation around but for me that was very Kind of representative of what's possible in the right mind space with the right attitude You know trying to be curious and playful and loving that we can Work with these situations and try to get Get You know,

Don't let them get the best of us But know that these are things that we can actually control what we say what we do How directly we connect with the heart and how much we use that to motivate us so,

Um,

You know,

These are like things and I really attribute my ability and some folks can do this naturally like I tend to Think of myself like i'm not the most fun person a lot of times But um,

I'm trying to be more fun And especially with the kids to try to like have just more joy and playfulness with them And they are amazing teachers that joyfulness and playfulness and we can't just let them run amok,

Right?

We have to still hold the container so they're safe and we're getting the best of us We have to still hold the container so they're safe and we're getting the things done that we need to get done yet,

Um There can be a very very nice way to go about this and i'm always very envious of parents that seem to be able to Do this naturally because I have to really work at it.

But um,

You know,

It seems like it's getting better slowly,

But steadily so,

Um,

We're going to do a micro set I know we're already over the time allotted for the session,

But just to kind of Check in for those of you that don't have a sitting practice.

This will be just literally dipping the toe in For those of you have a practice.

It's kind of the same beautiful lake that we swim in regularly and just kind of Taking the refreshment and rejuvenation from dipping into this amazing place and then applying it to the different facets of our lives You know in this particular session around being a parent or our children Um could be our relationships with others a relationship with ourselves our co-workers or family.

So,

Uh,

I think this Present moment awareness this checking in with what's happening in the moment really opens the door to so many possibilities And again,

Just this reminder great quote from john kabbat-zinn Uh,

The creator of the mindfulness-based stress reduction program a great meditator a great teacher And I think I already said this quote but just to repeat it as long as you're alive There's a lot more that's right with you than wrong with you And so sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

We just feel like it's just a shit storm and everything's like challenging There's no gratitude and there's no playfulness and we feel completely swamped but that quote I found to be really really helpful just like it just seems that way right are sometimes our minds get hijacked and um into the parts of ourselves that are caught up in To the type of reactivity that makes us feel like there's nowhere to go and that is just completely false As long as you're alive you have choices if you're breathing and you're conscious you have choices about how you're going to work with the information that you're Receiving from yourself within yourself and from outside yourself So just a short set.

Um a couple of deep breaths And remember that a couple of deep breaths Um,

You know,

It can be representative to you of going to your dharma the best loving most caring part of yourself,

But physiologically It begins to shift the nervous system From the from the sympathetic to the parasympathetic from the fight-or-flight nervous system to the more contemplative Balanced stable part of the nervous system that's quieting us down So never undervalue the power Uh and potency of a couple of deep breaths,

Especially in those acute moments when you're ready to pull your hair out feel your belly Relax your face That's another really powerful tool taking a couple of deep breaths And deliberately relaxing your facial muscles We know now there's science to support that these two things will help to quiet you down The third thing is to accept what you're experiencing.

If you're totally freaking out.

Don't pretend that you're not Feel it deeply,

Right?

What's happening in your body?

What's happening in your emotional state?

What's happening in your mind?

Be there with it for a moment or two And then let that be the ground from which you then start to navigate your transition Unless and until we can fully accept what's going on our ability to really transform is quite Is quite mitigated.

It's quite compromised I've never been part of a 12-step program But apparently they have this theme of like you have to hit rock bottom before you start to turn around It's kind of the same thing here.

You have to allow yourself.

You have to give yourself permission Be patient and kind enough with yourself to say yes to whatever the truth of the moment is sometimes like if you know kind of kind of Kind of sad to admit it but there are moments where it's like I hate parenting.

I just hate parenting It's like I don't want to be doing this But as soon as I give myself permission to say that I feel better and I feel more capable of continuing Just being heard.

It's just being acknowledged even to ourselves,

You know And if we're lucky enough to have a dear friend or a wise You know person a wise ear to bounce it off of it.

You know sharing is really huge and whenever we can do that by all means Feel your breath Whenever you are practicing present moment awareness and just asking yourself.

What is the mind knowing?

You're aligning yourself with the part of the mind is that is capable of being a relaxed observer You're breaking the cycle of addiction to reactivity And that opens the doors to possibility We don't need to be slaved and slave to our condition reactivity No matter how many times we've done it Something over and over again,

And we're not happy with it It doesn't mean that we're destined It's one of the remarkable things about being a living human being Like a piece of fruit once it starts to rot.

There's very little that can be done To change the course of that Not us right as long as we're alive.

There may be parts of us that are rotting From you know kind of different conditions,

Right because we didn't know any better You know our genetic conditioning or sociological conditioning But if we're aware of that we can really start to turn the tide neuroplasticity You know health Issues can be reversed not always but this you know,

And then if nothing else we can change our attitude And that is probably the most remarkable thing about being a conscious human being Is our attitude can change?

And with parenting I think that may be one of the most powerful and important things to remember These little folks these little beautiful beings little monsters,

Right?

They don't dictate how we need to react or respond That's up to us.

We're the adults in the room and it's up to us to care for these little beings And to help them Have the most uh the greatest opportunity to flourish And to find joy and happiness and that's probably all our intentions and when we find ourselves Not being able to provide that it's disappointing for ourselves and for them And uh if we care enough And we're probably here because we care and we're thinking about this stuff There's work that can be done Yes,

And thank you.

Ran.

Yeah that reminding that we're we have our inner children right there The parts of us that have been wounded and damaged and need tending to and um,

You know to You know make sure that we honor that and tend to that and uh I'll leave you with this when I was doing my mindfulness-based stress reduction Training one of the trainers had been a Like as a phd in neurobiology and you know long meditating for 30 years And he was a very good trainer And you know,

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Right,

Where we're really challenged Instead of going down the habitual pathways of reactivity We start to form new pathways,

Right,

And find better ways To deal with the things that are challenging us And like as we know or are preparing to know These little folks,

These little beautiful,

Sometimes terrifying beings Have a way of triggering us like no other So let's try to keep the heart open Keep the reservoir of caring and kindness Really elevated and to keep on reminding for ourselves and for others,

Right And the very last thing I'll say here is How do we know what's a good thing to say or do?

We can ask the question Is it good for me?

Is it good for other?

Is it good for both?

Hope your day is filled with peace and well-being And take care