Mohanji Speaks MS 55 | In Memory Of Ammu

On the 20th death anniversary of his daughter Ammu, Mohanji speaks about the day of her death and positive action that reverberates across the world inspired by her love; the founding of Ammucare and ACT Foundation, that today are touching hearts of many in the same way Ammu touched his! There are so many children dying in the world; so many people are dying; because we don’t know them, it doesn’t touch us. We need a world where we should care; we should be sincere. We should be sensitive.

Transcript

Today is August 23rd,

2020.

20 years ago,

On August 23rd,

2000,

Ammu passed away.

Many people asked me about the memories of that time.

I always maintained,

This is my personal sorrow and I don't want to talk about it.

Because this sorrow is not relevant for the whole world.

Ammu's loss affected us as a family.

It affected me especially because I was deeply connected to her.

I used to talk to her as a friend.

Even though she was only four years and a few months,

Like ten months old,

I always interacted with her as a friend,

Not as a father.

She somehow made me connect to myself,

Connect to that aspect of love which I was missing or I never experienced in life.

And I respected her for her individuality.

I always tried to provide her whatever best I could within my means at that time.

We were living in Dubai and it was quite expensive in Dubai and most of my salary,

About 40% of it used to go for rent.

So it was not so easy for me to provide many things because I didn't have a lot of money.

Still,

Whenever I used to go to grocery,

Etc,

She used to come with me and she used to pick up some toys or some small things and she was usually happy about it.

On 22nd August,

I came to India on holidays towards end of July for almost a month and my plan was to spend some time in Kerala with Ammu,

My ex-wife,

Her mother,

And my parents and then go to Pune to see a land which I had bought at that time and further to Rishikesh to feel the Himalayas and then come to Delhi and then fly to Dubai.

That was the plan.

23rd August was my flight from Kochi to Pune.

So I decided to leave on 22nd afternoon.

I had an appointment in Kochi on that day.

So I decided to honour that and then proceed further to Pune.

On 22nd,

Post-lunch,

As I was preparing to leave,

The taxi had already come.

Ammu suddenly started crying.

She was really used to my travels.

She was used to my absence.

So this was unusual and she asked me to lift her,

To take her in my hands.

I lifted her up.

I held her.

And she was,

With her right hand,

She was kind of soothing my chest and said,

Papa,

Please don't go.

And she was crying.

So I kissed her and I said,

We will meet in a few days.

After 10 days,

We'll be meeting in Dubai.

Papa has to go.

And she was still crying.

And my mother and my father,

We all tried to pacify her.

Then I kept her on my lap and I sat on the chair a little bit.

She was still soothing my chest with her right hand and she was still crying.

Please don't go.

And I said,

I have to go,

But I will meet you soon.

Then I dressed up.

I was leaving and I sat in the car at the backseat of the taxi on the right side and the glass was down and through the window,

She kissed my cheek,

My right cheek.

It was wet with tears.

My father was holding her and she was leaning in through the window and she kissed me on my cheek.

My cheek was wet for some time.

The taxi left for Kochi.

I never saw Ammu alive again.

On 23rd early morning,

I left for Pune.

I reached Pune.

I came out of the airport.

While I was in the car,

I heard the news of Ammu's accident.

They didn't tell me that she died.

They told me that there was a major accident and Ammu is in the hospital.

Intuitively,

I knew she's no more.

This was 23rd.

I did not visit the land.

I tried to find a way to reach back,

But there were no flights from Pune back to Kochi.

I had to go to Mumbai.

Somehow we managed a taxi and I had to find some money to pay the additional flight because I had already booked to fly from Pune to Delhi,

Etc.

Everything had to be cancelled.

I reached Bombay,

Got a night flight and by morning 6 a.

M.

On 24th,

I reached Kochi.

I came straight to my ex-wife's house where Ammu's body was kept.

It was end of a part of my life or Mohan died that day.

I died with Ammu.

Ammu was with my mother and father on 22nd.

On 22nd,

There were preparations for Sri Krishna Janmashtami,

Which was on 23rd that year.

And Ammu insisted on going to the temple to see the decoration of Krishna.

She kept insisting and there was rain.

So my father said,

It's raining,

So let's not go.

So Ammu said,

No,

We should go and they took her to the temple.

And she went straight up to the sanctum sanctorum as much as she's allowed to go.

She stood there watching the beautiful Krishna.

And she prayed for a long time.

My mother and father were watching from behind and they were calling and she was not looking and she was praying to Lord Krishna for a long time,

Unusual for a four year old child.

And then while coming back,

My mother asked,

Why you were praying so much?

What were you praying?

She said,

No,

I'm playing with him.

I'm playing with Krishna.

I play with Krishna.

Then my mother said,

We are human beings.

We can't see Krishna.

We can only see the idol.

We can't see the real Krishna.

She said,

Of course I can see Krishna.

I see him.

I play with him.

Then she said,

Why you cannot see is because you are not praying enough.

You are not surrendering enough.

A four year old child,

Four and a half year old child is telling this to her grandmother.

So on 24th,

We cremated Ammu.

We gave her body to the fire and 10 days I had to spend there,

Even though it was very,

Very painful to talk to people and to communicate where I wanted isolation.

A lot of people were coming.

There was huge,

Huge crowd actually on the day of her cremation.

Unusually huge because for a four and a half year old child,

And that time I was not known as Mohanji.

This was too unusual.

This crowd was unusual.

And then as I said,

One phase of my life ended.

I came back to Palakkad after all the ceremonies.

When I opened my briefcase,

Which I had packed to take to Dubai,

Three unusual things were there in the bag,

Which I had not packed.

One was a Pears soap,

Soap with the brand P-E-A-R-S,

Pears,

The transparent soap.

One was a small bouncing rubber ball and another one was a bangle.

The bangle and the ball belonged to Ammu.

That was the last gift which she had wanted and we bought for her just a few days ago and she had kept it in my bag.

She had returned it.

And the bangle,

I don't remember when we bought it for her,

But she had kept it also there in the bag to give it to me.

And the Pears soap,

There is a brief history.

When I came from Dubai in July,

I came home around 5 a.

M.

It was a night flight and I wanted to take a bath.

So I told my ex-wife I would like to have a soap and she gave me the soap which Ammu uses.

So Ammu said,

No,

I want this soap.

Don't give it to anybody.

Don't give it to Papa.

So my ex-wife gave me another soap and I used a night-took bath.

Probably out of guilt,

She had kept the same soap.

Ammu used to love Pears soap.

She always wanted to use that soap and she kept that soap,

A fresh one,

In my bag as a compensation because she didn't give me hers.

Later on,

My ex-mother-in-law told,

They had bought and kept a few soap boxes and one box was empty.

She had taken the soap.

Ammu has taken that soap.

So she was returning something and that thing was in the bag.

She kept it.

Looking back,

The whole event was extremely painful.

And when I came back to Dubai,

After all this,

My company told me that they are reducing stuff and I have to look for another job.

And henceforth,

After 2000,

One by one,

Everything I had built up crashed.

I separated from my wife.

I lost my belongings.

It was stolen.

I had kept it in a house in Kerala.

It was stolen.

I had invested in a house in a flat and the builder ran away.

Later,

We all assembled and I could sell it and pay back the loans.

Then I lost my job.

It was a crazy existence,

Literally.

So many turbulences in life.

Everything was falling.

The sand beneath the feet was going all the time.

And the agony which I experienced at the death of Ammu,

The only closest connection I had in this whole world is lost,

Plus all the other materials.

Later on in life,

I have experienced big time betrayals,

Stabbing from behind,

Etc.

But they seemed nothing compared to the loss of Ammu.

So these are some of my memories of that time.

I'm telling this because some people ask me to recount it.

Not for any sympathy.

I never accepted sympathy at that time and even this time.

Nor I have self pity.

What the world should know is what I made out of that experience of sorrow.

That's probably important for the world.

Ammu Khair happened and ACT Foundation happened.

Ammu's energy touched many lives,

Transformed many lives,

Gave solace to many lives.

So what happened after this incident has more value than the incident.

There are so many children dying in the world.

So many people are dying.

Because we don't know them,

It doesn't touch us.

We need a world where we should care,

We should be sincere,

We should be sensitive.

And death will be there,

Diseases will be there,

Old age will be there.

It's all part of existence.

But how we can transform that to something positive,

This is what makes us.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Reviews

Very touching thank you