The Feeling Of Insecurity and Insufficiency

We all feel this mysterious feeling of insecurity when there is a chance of losing something we have (a person, a skill, a customer, etc) that is based on our skills or us (in some cases). This triggers this ball in our stomach or our chest that questions our capability or our worth. We don't know what to do with this visceral feeling of insecurity so we try everything in our power to get rid of it - even resorting to anger or fighting to protect what we have.

This contemplation is about seeing this feeling of insecurity as a messenger rather than an unwanted guest. The message can either be a call to reflect and improve our actions, our skills, make time for our relationships OR it could be a call for intelligence to let people/siutations/things go.

When we do end up losing what was threatened, we feel utter sadness. This feeling of insecurity is a premonition giving us a chance to correct things so that we don't feel the sadness or regret as bad as we would if he had continued!

Transcript

Let's close our eyes.

A lot of us struggle with feeling insecure.

To give you a few examples,

Insecurity in roles.

It could be roles at work or roles in our community where we are doing a particular role and someone else comes along who is doing it as good as us or even better than us and we go through a particular mix of emotions that is very,

Very different.

That's what I call insecurity.

It can happen with something you possess,

Something that you own or maybe are responsible for,

Maybe your house or a piece of jewellery or your business or your product and then you see some other people doing it like,

Oh,

Their thing is better than mine.

It's not really jealousy.

It's a slight variation where there is clinging to what we have,

What we have done,

What we have built,

What we have accumulated,

The way we have helped.

You can see this even in kids or even in co-workers where you take a task and give it to someone else amidst the task for whatever reason.

And most of us don't go through this trouble or most of our bosses don't go through this trouble of explaining the context in which this switch is happening.

And what ends up happening is we feel insecure,

Oh,

Maybe I did something wrong,

Maybe they're going to fire me,

Maybe they don't love me enough,

Whatever narrative we have.

And because we don't have the context or sometimes we do have the context,

But we don't believe it.

And then that's when there is this insecurity,

There's a mix of this emotion which is very unnerving.

There is either flight where we spiral down,

Close up,

Accept,

Quote-unquote,

Defeat or we fight,

We make things ugly.

We start bullying others,

We start shouting and screaming about how much we have worked and we use all kinds of arguments,

Reasonings.

And again,

I'm just giving you a general overview,

All of it.

Most of it might not apply to all of you,

But it's a pretty common thing to have,

Especially as we start doing good work in the physical world,

So to speak.

For that matter,

Even in the spiritual world,

When we start having some insights that seem to be apparently juxtaposed next to someone else's accomplishments,

Insights or work.

And because this is a very obscure mix of emotions,

Evolutionarily very visceral,

It indicates to our brains that we might not have food to eat.

So this is important,

Evolutionarily this is important as a message for survival,

Yes.

But realistically,

What is it?

It's a very strong feeling which could have a very powerful message if we decoded it.

And it could be a very profound insight into improving our skills,

Our work,

Our understanding.

But because this is such a visceral feeling and we don't know what to do with visceral feelings,

Visceral bodily sensations,

Because these are really bodily sensations,

They are loud,

They are big,

They are heavy,

They weigh us down,

Yes,

Definitely.

We find ways to override these feelings with some rational thinking.

You know,

Maybe I can apply for another job.

Maybe that's what,

That's not what they are thinking.

Maybe that's what they are thinking,

Et cetera,

Et cetera.

So there's some or there's a lot of thinking to override these feelings.

There are probably technical words for it,

Like reframing,

Where you feel a certain way which gives rise to particular thoughts and once you recognize these thoughts,

You want to reframe them into something more empowering.

So you change the thoughts into something else.

You reframe the thoughts,

You reframe the context of your thoughts.

And that works sometimes for a fleeting amount of time where you feel that your feelings are alleviated a bit,

But they don't disappear.

Feelings want to be seen.

There's a message that needs to be received by the mind,

By the thoughts,

And then that feeling is complete and then it can leave us.

But we are busy trying to get rid of it because we don't know what to do with it.

These kind of insecurities happen in relationships as well,

Intimate relationships,

Other relationships,

Friendships.

It happens to us adults.

It happens to kids.

It happens to teenagers,

Even more amplified than what we are going through.

And again,

Our approach is to override it with thinking.

And if we zoom into this insecurity,

What we find is fear,

Fear of losing something,

Something very dear,

Something very valuable.

Some of us could even say something which is a part of us.

We work our defense.

We see what we can do to hedge against this.

If this happens,

How will I minimize my loss,

My effort?

What can I do to defend myself,

Save myself?

So we put this feeling into this golden cage and we're trying to work our war against it.

So what we have done implicitly is we have agreed to what this feeling is kind of telling us.

We haven't really looked into it much.

We have just taken a glance at it.

We have recognized this,

Oh,

This is a painful thing.

Okay.

How can I,

How can I get rid of it or fight against it?

But what if we invited this feeling?

Again,

Again,

By invited,

I don't mean to find insecurity.

It's already here rather than being afraid of it.

What if we just leaned in,

I mean,

A,

In comparison to a toothache,

This feeling is probably one on a scale of one to 10.

If your toothache is 10,

Which all of us have experienced some kind of a toothache,

In that comparison,

This is most likely one or two or at most five,

So it's not going to kill us.

At least for the first time,

We need to lean in with this attitude that it's not going to kill us.

And once we go there once or twice,

We are sure that it's not going to kill us.

A feeling cannot do much to us.

Like I want you to see that,

Like we empower our feelings so much as if we are going to disappear because of this feeling.

It's just a feeling,

Chill.

Now what is this feeling trying to tell us?

It's a communication.

It's a communication that needs to be complete for us to get this confirmation whether this message was received or not.

And once the message was received,

There is a relief and we all know how this relief feels.

Now most of the times we are looking for this relief in terms of getting rid of that feeling.

But rarely do we look at it from the point of view of,

Oh yeah,

That's what that feeling was trying to tell me.

And now there is relief.

And this is such an intimate thing I'm telling you,

Nobody else can feel your feelings and decode your feelings for you.

Not all of us go through these feelings and some pointers work,

Can be shared,

Can be articulated,

Which can be understood by you.

And then you go off to the races,

So to speak.

But that pause,

When that feeling shows up and you pause and instead of going through this knee-jerk reaction of defending,

Fighting,

Running away from this feeling,

What if you asked this feeling,

And when I say it,

It sounds really stupid that you're talking to your feeling,

But who cares?

We're trying to have conversation here.

So what is this feeling trying to tell me?

If somebody is going to take this thing away from me,

Or this person is going to leave me,

Or this task is going to be given to someone else,

There are one of two things that could be happening.

One,

It could be a call to action.

For example,

If you think your customers,

Your product,

Your task is going to be taken away from you,

Or has been taken away from you,

What is missing in my work?

Why don't I have that confidence?

Why don't I have that surety that this is the best that can be done?

So this feeling in a way is true.

Yes,

I feel like this could be taken away from me because I haven't really fully bought into this whole thing that I was doing in the first place.

So this feeling is actually a feedback.

Yes,

You need to work harder,

Be more resourceful,

Do great work to the point where you're fearless.

Okay,

Take this idea,

Roll with it.

But the way I do it cannot be matched.

That confidence will melt the next time this insecurity comes up for this particular reason,

For this particular area of life.

So your confidence,

Which is rooted not in affirmations or talk,

But in actual accomplishments,

In evidence that your work is exceptional,

Okay,

Take it.

So what?

Nobody can do it better than me.

It might sound very arrogance-like,

But it is more of confidence.

And for communication perspective,

I'm slightly amplifying it.

But you're so deeply grounded in that work,

Then that,

Okay,

Sure,

That confidence overrides everything else.

But that's only if you are sure.

And the moment you're not sure,

That's feedback,

You've got to work harder.

If some new thing comes along,

Which kind of threatens you,

Yeah,

You've got to pivot or you've got to improve.

That's what that feeling is for.

If people are afraid of what AI is going to do with the software jobs or tech jobs,

It's a valid threat.

What are you going to do about it?

About it as in about your skillset,

About what you do,

How you do it,

Not about AI.

And there are multiple,

Multiple strategies on how to enhance your skillset,

But I'm not going to go there.

It's just an example.

If you're insecure about a relationship,

About your partner,

Why is there insecurity?

Maybe at some level,

You're withholding love,

Withholding company.

That's where there is that feeling that,

You know,

Maybe they'll leave me.

That's a call to action.

I can't take this relationship for granted.

Not just in intimacy,

But in friendship as well.

So this is one aspect of what this feeling could be telling us.

The other aspect is intelligence,

Letting go,

Knowing that we can't have everything all the time.

A spiritual word for this is dispassion,

But I would like to call it intelligence.

There was a time when I didn't have this and I was just fine.

And there'll be a time when I won't have this and I will be fine as well.

So if someone is leaving,

If this task goes to someone else,

Or if your friend is no longer friends with you or doesn't want to be friends with you,

And you have received the message,

But the damage is already done,

Yes,

We can get the feedback.

We can do something about it for the future.

But for now,

We have to swallow what is happening.

We have to accept it and let it go.

Depending on how long you have been invested in it,

It might,

We might feel the sadness of it.

Yes,

Definitely.

I have no problem with sadness.

I have no problem with feelings,

To be honest.

I'm all for feelings.

Feelings are communications that we try to outthink,

Put a veneer of thinking on it.

So insecurity is either telling us to improve,

To pivot,

To do something different or do something better,

Or insecurity is telling us to let go,

Not give up,

But let go.

Most of the times,

Most of the times,

Insecurity is a warning bell,

Which means it falls in the first category where we still have a lot of freedom to do something about it.

It's a warning bell.

It's a heads up.

But we don't know what to do with it because we didn't know that this is what it could mean.

We are busy trying to fix it,

To get rid of it.

And when things do break,

Things do leave,

People leave,

Situations leave,

We are left with anger,

Sadness,

Which are way,

Way,

Way stronger and heavier feelings than this insecurity.

And in my experience,

There are multiple,

Multiple warnings that we get.

But these warnings are for us inside.

It's not for outside.

So take a stock right now.

How are you feeling about what you just heard?

And see if you feel relieved or relaxed.

Because if you do,

The communication is complete.

You got the message.

The intelligence in you can act now.

Don't be afraid of feelings.

Listen and be open to accepting this feedback.

This is not coming from someone else.

It's coming from deep inside.

The only thing is it comes when it wants to come,

When the conditions are just right.

And more often than not,

This comes in a very in-your-face way.

But no matter how this feedback comes,

Be open to accepting it and using your intelligence to do something about it.

Thank you.