Respect: An Ingredient To Reduce Suffering In Relationships!

We suffer the most in our relationships and especially in close relationships where there is love. Respect, however, is the foundation of relationships than love.

It begins by respecting ourselves: treating our bodies, and minds with respect: feeding ourselves healthy foods and speaking nourishing words to ourselves. To know what respect looks like, sounds like, and feels like for ourselves. To take our flaws and mistakes into our stride!

That way we can adopt the same attitude towards others!

Transcript

My experience has been that our biggest suffering or the biggest chunk of our life's suffering comes from our relationships and this only happens when our bellies are fed.

That is,

You know,

We have enough money to not be in survival mode.

That is when the survival is taken care of and we have this luxury to suffer from relationships or to suffer in relationships.

Whether it is with parents,

With kids,

With spouses,

With co-workers.

I think the closer the relationship,

The more we suffer.

I don't want this to be a morbid session but neither do I want to paint a rosy picture,

A more politically correct picture.

Something that will feel good.

I want to speak the truth and as they say,

Only truth will set us free.

When we come to work,

We put up a work face.

We bury all our suffering from relationships.

That trickles down every day.

Once in a while there is an explosion but every day there is a contribution made towards this explosion.

Some of us come to work to escape.

Some of us come to work by burying,

Pushing it under the carpet so to speak.

While some of us come to vent at work and work is just an example.

We have different avenues for that.

It just doesn't need to be work.

What we suffer is not our distance from people.

We won't suffer because of a non-relationship with a stranger on the street.

We suffer because of love.

Ill-formed definition of love but we still suffer from that ill-formed definition of love.

I had done a lot of inner work before I got married by attending different seminars and workshops,

Doing meditation retreats and all for a few years.

When I met my wife,

It was an arranged marriage and I asked her what does she think and this was,

We have a crazy story how we got married to each other within seven days of meeting each other and we decided to get married to each other within seven days of meeting each other.

So while in those seven days I asked her what was the most important thing in a relationship and I was very upfront by asking these questions.

So later I explained to her that something that one of the seminar facilitators had said and it resonated with my heart was respect is more important than love and I think having that conversation really helped our relationship so that it is grounded in respect.

So although we fight as a couple,

We never dig the foundation up.

It's just entertainment,

Banter or fights that we have.

So respect is it a conscious ingredient in the relationships that we are suffering from and that's why I told you the story about my wife and I because people don't think we have an arranged marriage because we are so much in love even after so many years of marriage only because we were clear about respect,

About wanting to have an extraordinary relationship which eventually warrants extraordinary efforts in every relationship that we have and we don't have those many to be honest.

We don't suffer a variety of relationships,

Only a handful that we keep suffering deeply and we can have extraordinary relationship as well there most of the times and that starts with respect.

I'm going to take a slightly different route with this word respect and the experience of respect.

It starts with respecting ourselves first,

Starts with treating ourselves with respect,

Our bodies with respect,

Our minds with respect,

Feeding ourselves healthy food physically,

Mentally,

Feeding ourselves words that nourish,

Speaking words that nourish to ourselves.

Realizing you made a mistake is different,

Is the truth,

Is the fact,

Calling yourself stupid,

Beating yourself up.

It's unreasonable,

Unwarranted and it's not a fact,

It's an opinion,

It's an interpretation.

So before we expect others to respect us,

We need to start with respecting ourselves.

We need to understand what respect looks like,

Sounds like,

Feels like for ourselves first.

Because we are so close to the action,

All we see is mistakes,

All we see is flaws,

All we see is shortcomings and flaws.

It doesn't have to be that way.

How can we train ourselves to respect ourselves despite the shortcomings,

The flaws,

The mistakes,

The faults,

The mishaps?

How do we take it in our own stride,

Dissipate it?

How do we respect ourselves for showing up?

And on days we can't show up,

Being kind on those days,

Sometimes being disciplined on lazy days.

Some of us are mothers here,

Love is not always a rosy thing.

I'm sure you've been strict with your kids,

You've probably scolded them.

Just because it looks strict doesn't mean it comes from a strict place.

It can still come from love,

It can still come from respect,

From well-being,

Towards well-being.

Too much leniency breeds complacency,

Apathy.

We don't want to coddle ourselves either,

Neither do we want to beat ourselves up.

We want to flip the ill-formed definition of love to something that is pure,

That some of us might have felt,

Not might have,

Have definitely felt when we gave birth.

There was nothing that we wanted from this baby.

It was just pure love,

Unconditional.

We have to invoke the same mechanism for ourselves by releasing all the held traumas,

By forgiving all the past mistakes,

By committing to be more present,

More kind.

And just like now,

We should not be afraid of telling the truth about ourselves to ourselves.

We don't have to be unkind,

But we can still speak the truth.

We can call ourselves out for our habits,

For our beliefs that are not serving us,

That are unhealthy.

Then let that truth,

Let that love guide us to a solution.

Without the truth,

We are in a delusional world about ourselves,

Either about beating ourselves up or about narcissism.

I don't think we need to worry about narcissism.

Most of us are suffering ourselves by beating ourselves up.

Respect starts at home first.

No book will teach you how to respect yourself.

It's not what you say.

It's not being polite by saying thank you,

Sorry,

Please to yourself.

No,

No.

Respect is something deeper.

You got to feel it.

You got to feel it at a cellular level.

You got to fake it until you make it sometimes.

Or sometimes remove the obstacles.

Any explanation,

Oh I've made that mistake,

That mistake,

That mistake.

Would you forgive those mistakes if it was your own kid?

I'm sure you would.

Then why have these dual standards?

Forgive yourself,

Let it go.

And most of our mistakes feel mistakes in the moment and later on they turn out to be blessings.

And those that haven't turned out to be blessings,

They just haven't revealed themselves yet.

We think things are very staticky.

Things that have happened 10 years ago that we have put it in a box are still in flux.

Sometimes slow,

Sometimes fast.

And once we taste it,

And you can't mistake this with anything else for taste,

Respecting ourselves,

We get the joke.

And then it's all about living it again and again for ourselves and for others.

Love is not about mistakes.

Love is about connection.

Respect is about connection.

It's the foundation of any relationship.

Automagically,

Our end of the equation will suddenly start loosening up because of this attitude,

Because of this understanding.

Another magical thing that will happen is we won't look for others to respect us.

Because in this western society,

Most of the time,

Respect is communicated through words that lack feeling.

I remember this,

Having this conversation with my 8 year old niece.

And she said,

Sorry to me for something.

We were facetiming.

And I asked her,

You need to feel the sorry.

And she had no idea what I was talking about.

Sometimes I don't realize that I'm speaking a language with kids that they don't understand.

But some of these things are even true with adults.

Saying sorry is the end game.

It's not.

Others need to feel that you're sorry.

And once we are full of respect for ourselves,

We stop expecting others to respect us.

That doesn't mean they can come and disrespect us.

No.

We have to maintain the sanctity of the life we are living by commanding respect,

But not demanding it.

We are not short of respect within ourselves.

But no one can come into our living room and start abusing us,

Start disrespecting us.

You get the point.

But because we are rooted in respect,

What we say to these people will not come from a place of unkindness,

But it will come from a place of guarding,

Protecting,

Sometimes being strict,

Assertive,

Clear.

But before we go that route,

We have to create this reservoir of respect within ourselves for us,

For others.

The suffering in relationships will start dwindling after that.

The love will start blossoming.

The laughter will start blossoming.

Freedom to relate is important in a relationship.

Freedom to relate fully,

Respectfully,

Clearly,

Assertively is very important.

Anger,

Being rude,

Being mean is an easy choice.

The more skillful choice is to navigate through these temporary emotions of anger and keep the foundation true.

Most of the times we give in to this temptation of yelling,

Screaming,

Being rude,

Fighting,

Being passive aggressive,

Being aggressive.

Most of the times easy doesn't serve its purpose.

Skills to speak,

Skills to relate,

Take time,

A lot of time,

A lot of energy.

But their rewards are disproportionately high.

When you go back home,

You're going back home to a safe place,

To a place filled with celebration,

Laughter.

Even the fights,

The disagreements,

The bantering is just like salt in food.

It's needed for a good taste,

But too much makes the food inedible.

Respect is more than just words.

I would encourage you to dive into this experience of what respect feels like.

Sometimes we mistake fear for respect.

No,

Respect is such a deep experience that person who is respecting and the person who is respected are both elevated in this experience.

The same experience with love,

The one who is loving and the one who is loved,

They are both elevated in this experience.

So dive into it,

See what it feels like.

Thank you.

Reviews

What amazing insight and wisdom shared in this talk. This is a must for everyone!