Masterclass: Do Thoughts stop us from being happy?

There is a popular belief that the "incessant thoughts" are a hindrance to my peace and happiness. A lot of us struggle with this thoughts-are-a-problem phenomenon. But what if it 'seems' that thoughts are a problem only because they are uninvestigated? Our thoughts fall into three major categories: 1. Positive or joyful thoughts 2. Neutral thoughts (practical) 3. Negative thoughts Just understanding how not all thoughts are a problem is a great beginning to being able to handle thoughts. Most of the time we forget the neutral thoughts and hardly keep a tab on the positive thoughts. The only thoughts we remember are the negative thoughts viz. the thoughts of regret (of past events) or anxiety (of future events). What we also will notice is that each thought is just a thought as an experience. The only thing that makes it painful is the label that it is a negative thought.

Transcript

There are two things that stop us from saying yes to the question,

Are you happy?

One is our thoughts and the other is our feelings.

Some days we start from thoughts and reach our feelings.

Some day we start from feelings and proliferate it with thoughts.

And when I say start,

I mean start the process of unhappiness.

It might feel like,

Yes,

What do you mean by we start?

Nobody in their right mind wants to be unhappy.

So the process of unhappiness is,

Or process of happiness is,

Somehow restricted by thoughts and by feelings.

Too many thoughts,

I'm not happy.

I feel a certain way,

That's why I'm not happy.

If we are going through a life event,

A louder life event,

Maybe it's understandable.

But what I'm talking about in terms of daily happiness,

What stops us from being happy every day?

Our thoughts,

Our feelings.

If we zoom in,

Into our thoughts,

It's not that all thoughts are a problem to us.

It's a very specific genre of thoughts that come in between us and our happiness.

Like if we are sitting down with our friends reminiscing about our childhood,

About our school days.

We are thinking,

We are reliving memories.

Some happy,

Most of them embarrassing.

But in that moment,

We are filled with joy.

These thoughts don't bring or don't create unhappiness in our lives.

Our thoughts about our upcoming vacation or upcoming holidays,

Although holiday season is quite stressful,

But play along with me.

When we are imagining something in the future,

Those are also thoughts.

But we are filled with hope.

We won't call those thoughts as the ones that are causing unhappiness,

Would we?

So we covered past,

We covered future.

And most of our past,

For me it is what?

38 years,

Almost.

For some of us,

20,

30,

40,

50,

60,

70 years.

Most of our life,

Most of our life events were neutral and are long forgotten.

Thoughts from our school,

Like everyday studies,

Thoughts from college,

Our first relationship,

First job,

Everyday breakfast,

Lunch,

Dinner,

Or even thoughts from last week about mundane events are just neutral and they don't leave a trace in our minds.

Neither positive nor negative,

They are just neutral.

The first genre that we covered,

First category that we covered was joyful thoughts.

Now here we are with mundane.

What's for dinner?

We should go grocery shopping.

Past and future,

These thoughts are just neutral.

Some of them practical,

Some of them just random.

No joy,

No unhappiness,

Just simply neutral to the point where we don't even pay attention to them.

Whether it's thinking about the past or planning or thinking about the future,

The neutral thoughts are just neutral.

And don't get me wrong,

Our day is filled with all four of these.

Positive from past,

Positive as in joyful from past,

Joyful of future,

Neutral of past and neutral of future.

And I want you to reflect,

Don't just take my word,

But actually reflect to see if there is any truth to these words.

Like right now I had a thought of drinking a sip of water and it immediately transferred into action.

It left no trace on my mind other than just giving it as an example.

I think I heard somewhere that on an average we think 10,

000 thoughts a day.

I would argue 5,

000 to 8,

000 to 9,

000 of these thoughts are just neutral or joyful.

It's just that we don't pay attention to them.

And ask yourself,

Is that true?

Is my day filled with so many neutral thoughts?

Thought about getting a cup of coffee,

What's for lunch,

Where do we go for lunch and etc.

,

Etc.

So many for ease of communicating,

Let's put them at least 5,

000 to 8,

000.

50 to 80% of our thoughts are neutral that we don't even remember,

Forget about paying attention.

And then comes this special category of thoughts that create unhappiness in our life.

Because of some of these bad boys,

We are ready to throw the baby along with the bath water out.

All thoughts are problem.

Actually only some thoughts are a problem.

They just happen to repeat in a loop of sorts.

And they apparently flood our day.

But if we zoom in,

It's the same thought.

It's like that school bus just circling around the neighborhood.

It gives an impression that there are many school buses or many thoughts,

But most of us have a problem of the day and half a dozen to a dozen thoughts about that problem of a day and that keeps repeating one after the other,

One after the other.

And if you ask yourself,

Whatever is causing you to say that,

You know,

My thoughts are a problem today,

They stop me from being happy.

Now as a scientist,

If we step out of our body,

So to speak,

And analyze this observation that these thoughts stop me from being happy,

And then we pull up a specimen from two days ago,

You would have said,

Those thoughts stopped me from being happy that day.

In majority of the cases,

These thoughts are quite different.

The other day the problem of the day was different and today the problem of the day is different.

The nature of these thoughts is still troublesome,

Don't get me wrong,

But it's not the same thought.

Like we are not living an unhappy life because of the same thoughts.

We are living an unhappy life because of different thoughts which belong to the same category.

And that is a very important insight.

Like I've observed people,

I've observed my close relatives,

And no matter how loud life events have happened in their life,

After a few months of having been hit by a bus,

Metaphorically,

The topics that they talk about change.

Even these problems of the day have a cycle.

Everything in our life is cyclical,

So are thoughts.

Some days of the month it's work,

Some days of the month it's personal relationships,

Some days of the month it's health,

Some days of the month it's whatnot.

And some days of the month there is actually nothing.

And those are the days where we feel unhappy.

We don't have a reason to feel unhappy.

There is no thought for feeling unhappy.

It's just that our bodies are used to being unhappy and now there is no reason to be unhappy.

So we just feel hop.

Oh,

I woke up from the wrong side of the bed.

We find all kinds of reasons to explain it,

But it's just a habit in our body which says,

You know what?

I'm used to being unhappy today.

I don't have a reason to be unhappy,

So I'm just going to feel unhappy.

Because body is addicted to those chemicals and it's waiting.

And you know how addiction works.

We will oblige with cherry-picked thoughts.

I know I'm saying things as if we are doing this intentionally.

I might even be sounding as if I'm scolding you or giving you a sermon about it.

As a matter of fact,

I'm just opening up the Pandora's box of how things work.

And the reason I keep using we do this,

I do this,

It's because we are not prisoners.

We are living a free life.

The freedom that got you here is the freedom that is living the life.

In our hearts,

We feel deeply,

Deeply free.

It's not that somebody else is living our life.

Somebody else is making our choices.

And as we go along,

I will open up the process of these thoughts as well that trouble us.

Because that's the only area,

Thoughts and feelings.

Those are the only areas.

One of the areas,

There is people's behaviors as well and things that happen to us.

But if we stick strictly to the internal experience of thoughts and feelings,

Most of our life,

Other than these thoughts and feelings,

We feel,

Yeah,

I'm free.

I'm free to reminisce.

I'm free to imagine.

I want this coffee.

I want that coffee.

I want tea,

Etc.

,

Etc.

I mean,

Every day of our life is filled with freedom.

And if most of our life,

Most of our day is filled with freedom,

Do you really think when it comes to these things,

There is victimhood or prisonerhood or helplessness that can come into picture?

Or is it,

Could it be that we'd know how to handle happy thoughts,

Neutral thoughts,

Happy feelings,

Neutral feelings?

It's just that we don't know what to do with these heavy thoughts and heavy feelings.

That's why we feel helpless.

Because if you zoom in even more,

And this is where things get very interesting.

If we were to pick up,

If we have three buckets in front of us and we picked up a thought,

A positive thought from the past and put it in one bucket,

Picked up a neutral thought from the past and put it in another bucket and picked up this troublesome thought and put it in the third bucket.

Do you really think these three thoughts are different in their texture?

I'm sure that this kind of question was probably never put across to you.

So let me simplify it.

Is a thought,

This positive,

Neutral and unhappy thought,

Is it like three different kind of apples?

Maybe a rotten one that you can say,

Yeah,

Yeah,

You know,

That thought is happy.

This one,

I don't even know why you are here.

And this one,

It's rotting.

Or are these three thoughts like three waves that we pick out from the ocean?

One is a nice and crisp wave,

Fancy shape.

The other is ordinary wave.

And the third is just a lame ass wave.

All three are waves,

All three are different waves.

We are talking about these three waves.

But in essence,

All three waves are the same.

They are just water.

They are just waves.

Same thing,

If you can see that all these three thoughts that we categorize as happy to unhappy are just thoughts.

Their categorization,

Their description,

Their nature and eventually their effect is what we give to them.

Imagine if you are having any negative thoughts or imagine having a negative thought.

If you just called it a thought,

If you treated it just as a thought,

Not a negative thought,

Not a pesky thought,

Not a thought that brings suffering in my life,

But just a thought.

Because that's what a thought is just a thought.

And we experience 10,

000 of it every day.

Majority of it don't even leave a trace in our mind.

So could it be that this thought is just a thought?

Yes,

There is some deep association with our life event from past.

But in essence,

It's just a thought.

What do you think is going to happen to the emotional charge of that thought?

If we treated it just like a thought,

Do you think it will really pierce our heart the same way?

This is a very important exercise and this could potentially change the quality of our life for the rest of our lives.

If you are going through something troublesome,

Bombarded with thoughts,

Right now it feels like each thought is a bullet piercing our heart,

Making us restless,

Bleed.

Some are even making tears come out from our eyes.

Can you look at those thoughts with this understanding,

With these eyes,

And see a thought just as a thought?

In my experience,

The moment I start this exercise,

The gun disappears,

Forget about bullets,

And then it starts back again.

But the only way this bombardment works is if we are a victim of thoughts.

We believe to be a victim of our thoughts.

I don't deny the existence of thoughts,

By the way.

Thoughts are there.

And as I mentioned,

This thought is causing me to drink this water.

Some thoughts help me plan,

Some thoughts help me learn,

Some thoughts I enjoy.

And these thoughts that trouble me are just a replay.

Bad thing has happened,

A bad thing has happened,

A bad thing has happened,

A bad thing has happened,

A bad thing has happened.

It's just a replay of what has happened,

Which I already suffered when it actually happened.

So this cycle is not adding any more value in my life other than creating the same effect,

If not a louder effect.

And the worst part is,

Months after the actual event has happened,

We still blame the same people for our current suffering because we are no longer suffering that event,

We are suffering this cycle of thoughts.

And thoughts are very naughty.

You know,

As a kid,

I used to love when someone disliked something,

I used to love doing that thing.

Our thoughts are just like that.

When we dislike something,

They just repeat until they are tired and then they go away.

But the blueprint doesn't.

If we are afraid of something in the future,

It will keep coming back in different ways.

Now the real question to ask is,

What are we so afraid of?

What are we so afraid of from the past and what are we so afraid of in the future?

We are afraid of what we have done and we are afraid of what might happen.

And those are the biggest chunks of thoughts that make us suffer.

We dislike something,

So there are thoughts that,

I don't like this,

I don't like this person in my life,

I don't like this situation,

I don't want this,

I don't want this,

I don't want this,

I don't want this.

That is another flavor of thoughts that we suffer.

So fear,

Fear of future,

Regret of past,

Dislike of what is happening and I want that.

I want,

That is such a rosy picture,

That's the life I want.

Makes us restless but that's what I want.

Although restlessness and ambition and hustle don't count as suffering in most books,

But they have the same effect.

So fear,

Regret,

Dislike or repulsion and attraction,

What else do we suffer?

It's just a permutation and combination of these.

We want that,

The last category of thoughts.

We have wanted so many things and after receiving or getting whatever we wanted,

We are still here.

It's just about learning the lesson that nothing that we get is going to make us permanently happy.

You wanted a relationship,

You got a relationship.

You wanted to get married,

You got married.

There is no happily ever after and all of us who are married know that or were married know that.

Same is true with a job.

We wanted a job and then we hated our job.

Circumstantial happiness is not what we deeply want because once that circumstance is done,

We are on the lookout again.

If you look at regret of the past,

A little wisdom will tell us that nothing can be done about the past in the past.

We can do something about the past in the present but we can't go back in time.

We can't change our behavior,

We can't change other people's behavior.

It's frozen.

The only place is now.

Some things we can do about,

Maybe we can apologize,

Maybe we can fix,

Maybe we can compensate.

But for the most part,

The only thing we can do about our past is to accept it.

The fear about the future category.

Before I get to that,

Let me address another low-hanging fruit.

Something that has already happened is what we resist.

We fight it.

So the first category was,

I want that.

The other is,

I regret that.

The third is,

I don't want this.

But this is here.

Winter is here.

You might hate it,

But it's here.

So if we look at it from a wisdom standpoint,

Whatever is happening,

If we have made a mistake,

We have made a mistake.

If something has happened,

Something has happened.

Something is happening,

It is happening.

It's not happening to torture us.

I remember some kids growing up,

They liked to torture some insects.

That's not what life is doing to us.

Today is this person's torture event.

So I'm going to focus all the problems.

I'm going to focus everything and make their life miserable.

That's not what life is doing.

We think that.

We feel that.

But that's not what is happening,

To be honest.

And we know that.

Deep down,

We do know that.

Nobody is sitting there trying to give me problems.

It's just a gigantic play with so many characters that is happening.

A huge set interacting with each other.

That is creating this.

And in COVID,

We saw that.

We could start blaming people.

But if you saw the beauty of how this thing happened,

It was all because of interaction.

It's just a problem that is happening now.

And we need to have courage to start dealing with it.

And not fight why it happened.

It has happened.

Any why is immaterial.

The best answer to why is it just is.

It feels like I'm on a marathon to complete all four.

So let me get to the last,

But the juiciest part of what makes us suffer.

Fear.

Fear of what might happen.

My life is over if this happens.

This is at the root of our dread.

And no matter how big or small that fear is,

It's that.

We don't think of fear as like,

Yeah,

If that happens,

There'll be nuisance in my life.

No,

It's full blown.

My life is over.

This is the stance we have.

This is the only option that this fear has.

My girlfriend left me.

My life is over.

I made this mistake at work.

It's going to cost us a lot.

They're going to fire me.

My life is over.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with this.

It's too big.

It's too gigantic.

I don't know what to do.

And the amazing part is that all our fears so far have been the same flavor.

We have lived through them.

We have made it so far.

Some of us have probably gone through worse than what this situation is going to bring up.

The worst case of this situation is nowhere close to what we have handled in the past.

And I want you to see this for yourself.

See this.

I was so stupid when on my second breakup,

On my third breakup,

I still felt like this is the end of my world.

Yet I had already gone through them and survived.

Yet it felt like it.

Because somehow what happens is when we are in this thing,

We forget.

We forget everything and then this is the thing.

This is the only thing.

That's why it's hard to zoom out and get perspective.

But that perspective is there sitting in our memories of how we handled it.

So that's what suffering is.

I remember my teacher's words distinctly.

Suffering is not a bad thing.

Every time we suffer,

It's a reminder to remember.

That's why it's painful.

It's an alarm clock.

But we start hating the alarm clock,

Forgetting that alarm clock is pointing to the clock.

We start hating the alarm and forget the clock.

But this clock is what we need to remember.

So all suffering is a reminder to see that you have been supported,

You have been taken care of,

You have survived.

And again,

I don't want to downgrade our life experience to just this word survive.

But in those moments,

That's all we need to see.

Actually,

We have more than survived.

So now if we come back to thoughts,

A big,

A huge chunk of our suffering falls away if we address these four things.

Not out as a habit,

But just from wisdom,

From insight.

With this attitude,

There is an opportunity to see.

I am bigger than these thoughts.

I am stronger than these thoughts.

Instead of taking it down one by one,

I can just take them all out once.

By just being who I am.

The freedom in which these thoughts appear rather than the victim who is bombarded by these thoughts.

Thank you.