I want to start today's exploration with a quote from Viktor Frankl.
Between stimulus and response there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
This quote is dipped in truth.
It talks about our freedom,
Our freedom to choose,
Whether to choose an unconscious habit that creates and perpetuates and spreads suffering or freedom to bring harmony and peace within and without.
Reactivity,
Emotional reactivity is the default operating principle for most of us to snap out at others,
To feel disappointed,
Dejected,
To be pissed,
To choose aggression,
To choose anger.
It seems like that's the only option.
In a tacit,
Implied way we are exercising our freedom to promote the unconscious habit and to relinquish the possibility of another response.
The thing,
However,
Is that many times we don't want another response.
Being pissed,
Being angry,
Aggression is the response we want.
We will even justify it by demonstrating what was done by the other person or by the situation.
And yes,
In a buffet of responses,
Anger,
Aggression,
Dejection,
Being pissed is a valid option but not the only option.
Society has normalized emotional reactivity but deep down we know that we don't want to act that way because right after we react we wallow in regret because this emotional reactivity comes at a cost,
Sometimes our own suffering in the form of boiling our blood,
Regret,
Yelling,
Screaming or at the cost of somebody else's suffering and strained relationships,
Resentment in the relationship.
There is no skill when we react and one of the things that Buddha taught was living skillfully,
Living in such a way that we infuse our actions,
Our thoughts,
Our feelings with the understanding of peace and happiness,
Shouting,
Screaming at our kids,
At our spouses,
At our parents,
Speaking passive aggressively,
Putting someone down is the default state that we operate in.
It doesn't have to be.
As I said,
Yes,
Being pissed is an option on the table but that doesn't mean we cannot find another reason,
Another option to be skillful,
To be human.
We don't have to choose the animalistic programming that we are used to following.
All unconscious habits,
Especially emotional unconscious habits are a result of evolution.
We need to infuse them with human emotional habits.
That's where the freedom that we all have,
The deep intimate freedom that we all have can be exercised.
When there are 999 reasons to be angry,
Can we choose one reason to not be angry?
Even if anger is justified,
Condoned,
Can we still choose peace?
That doesn't mean we have to accept and embrace wrong behavior.
That's not what I said.
Yelling and screaming doesn't solve anything.
I'm sure by now you know it.
It only makes matters worse.
I guess at that point we are not trying to solve anything.
We are just trying to express how we feel.
Anger begets anger,
Especially with our loved ones,
With our children,
With our parents.
The more you scream,
The more the other person screams.
At that point it's a dogfight.
Choosing this freedom is a sign of courage,
Is a sign of strength.
It demonstrates your depth.
It demonstrates your wisdom.
When we are flooded with the sensations of anger,
Rage,
Fire has built inside us and we just want to get rid of it.
In that moment,
To recognize that space between the stimulus and the response takes endurance.
Endurance of the fire takes courage to let go of that fire that has built up and to diffuse it without releasing it through our words,
Through our voice.
Sometimes through our written words or punching and hitting.
Riding the wave of whatever emotion shows up is easy.
You don't have to do anything.
It just sweeps you off the floor.
Although I say it poetically that it sweeps you off the floor,
It doesn't do it without your permission.
Then there would not be freedom between the stimulus and response.
Yes,
The emotion appears,
The fire appears.
There is nothing you can do about the appearance of the fire.
The life you have lived,
The experiences you have had,
The conditioning that has happened from your parents,
Your society will bring that emotion in you.
To identify with it,
To become one with it,
To ride it is a choice.
When we ride it,
We lose ourselves in it.
We say things that can pierce someone.
We shout,
We yell.
We cry.
In the possibility of sensations and how painful they can be,
The sensation of anger,
Rage showing up in your body is nowhere close to twisting your ankle or having a migraine or even worse,
Toothache.
Everything that you have survived and endured.
When it comes to these emotions,
We feel helpless.
We give up.
We lose ourselves.
And the mind justifies it.
Yes,
He did this.
He said this.
Anyone will become angry.
Not only is it a valid option,
It's a justified option.
And when exploding in anger is justified,
Especially in front of our loved ones,
It promotes that habit.
It reinforces that habit.
And the ego is so willing to pay the price of strained relationship,
Estranged people because of the story of righteousness.
Because it is justified,
You are righteous.
There is no reason for me to apologize,
To bend down because I'm right.
This is the valid response.
We have to first recognize that we have freedom.
We have to accept that we have freedom.
Sometimes we can be in denial because then we will have to endure.
We'll have to swallow the pride of not giving it back to them.
And most of the times we are screaming and shouting at our kids,
Our parents,
Our spouses,
Our friends,
Family.
Because when we do it outside,
The jungle law kicks in.
If you do it outside,
You can have cops called on you or you would get beaten up if somebody is bigger and stronger than you.
We are not going to go and say these outrageous things to our boss at work because it's our livelihood at stake.
So you can see how freedom has been sneakily imprisoned.
Recognizing and accepting freedom is the most important foundation on which harmony,
Love,
Friendship can be built on.
Otherwise,
Most of our relationships are one emotional blow-up away from breaking off.
That's how fragile relationships are.
That's how fragile hearts are,
Including yours.
So while I'm telling you to use freedom,
If somebody is not exercising freedom and you are at the receiving end,
You can choose assertiveness to calmly bring them back to their senses or leave the situation.
Just like you should not disrespect,
Dehumanize the other person by screaming and shouting,
Neither should you accept the dehumanization process.
But if you react to someone's anger with anger,
Then there's no difference between us and them.
We are back in the jungle.
And when this is going on between our loved ones,
If you end up winning,
You have already lost.
Lost the love,
Lost the relationship.
The trick is to remember your freedom amidst the flooding of emotions.
In every moment,
You are free to recognize the space from which you can operate,
React or respond.
In every moment,
There is freedom to choose peace,
Harmony,
Civility or reactivity.
Peace doesn't mean pushover.
The confidence,
The strength of enduring fire deepens you,
Such that even your look in the eyes can be powerful enough to deter someone.
It doesn't have to be loud all the time.
The cost is way too high.
The juice of our life is only in our relationships,
Especially the one with the closest to us.
To live a full,
Deep,
Meaningful life,
Finding this space of freedom between the stimulus and the response is paramount.
True character is demonstrating courage.
Choosing easy,
Choosing reactivity,
Being flipped out at the drop of a hat requires no depth.
There's always a reason to choose peace and happiness.
Even if there are 999 loud reasons to choose anger and all its cousins,
We must find that one reason for ourselves,
For our freedom.
For our peace.
Thank you.
