Contemplations On My Birthday

"Why can't every day be like my birthday? Why can't I feel free—to do what I want, feel what I want, think what I want?" This meditation explores the freedom you taste once a year and the prison you live in the rest of the time.

You'll discover why birthdays feel special: not the gifts or attention, but the permission you give yourself to feel free. The guards are down. You matter. You're included in priorities.

The rest of the year? We're stuck in relationships, people-pleasing, sacrificing what we want—hoping someone notices (they don't). We feel unseen, unheard, waiting to erupt.

The shift: recognize that birthday permission is as arbitrary as any day. Every ordinary day can become extraordinary when you choose what's best for all parties concerned—including you. Not just you. Not just others. All. This is courage. This is living free.

Transcript

Today is my birthday and I've always had a very tumultuous relationship with my birthday.

As far as I can remember it wasn't that I had a bad childhood in any way it's just the pressure of the birthday being a special day to do something special to act a certain way to expect a certain way to count,

Keep track of who wished you,

Who didn't.

There were birthdays when I used to wait for someone or everyone to wish me because I just did not understand how to process this day.

It was supposed to be special allegedly but it never felt special.

Even today if I removed the superimposition of this being a special day of my birthday it is just any other day but that superimposition I always had a tough time with.

Until recently maybe six,

Seven years ago there was a shift inside me that made this made this special day to be less suffering.

Although this sounds like it's a meditation on my birthday this is about the recognition of freedom because when you look at what a birthday gives you you'll notice that the birthday gives you permission permission to feel yourself,

Do what you want to do and for that day maybe the world will accept what you want to do the way you want to do it.

The next day however there is no reason for the world to bend to your whims and fancies.

So I want to zoom in on what this day gives as a first person experience to you,

To me because unlike any other day,

This day you get to experience only once a year.

The thoughts,

The feelings that accompany this day can only be experienced,

Examined studied once a year.

However what I found difficult to adjust was this hypocrisy that yesterday was an ordinary day,

Tomorrow again is an ordinary day but today has to be special.

I have to feel special I have to know what I want and on that day I can possibly get what I want on every other day nobody cares what I want I don't care what I want what we have done to ourselves unknowingly is that we have created a prison for ourselves and once a year we get to come out of this prison sort of breathe the fresh air eat good food get quote-unquote presents what I am trying to investigate is why can't every day at least from my perspective from my first person experience why can't every day be like my birthday why can't I feel free to do what I want to feel what I want to think what I want,

To let go what I want this day gives me a living experience of what it is like although I cannot control what happens with the world with other people,

With what situations come whether I have to work,

What kind of work I get on that day I cannot control all those things but I can because I have experienced that I can feel special and by special I mean feel free in my heart,

In my mind,

In my body it's not an alien experience that I am talking about we have all felt special although it seems on the surface that it's a special day where we get gifts we get to go out we get to dress up our friends call us our family calls us that's the third person experience of what is happening I am more interested in the first person experience of what is happening namely the freedom that you have the permission that you have given yourself to feel free a birthday seems loud and different when juxtaposed next to all the other days when we are suffering the rest of the year we are suffering we are bound we are stuck we are stuck in our relationships we are stuck in other people's wishes we are stuck in our people-pleasing habits where we are ready to sacrifice what we want in the hope that someone else will notice it acknowledge it,

Appreciate it so we don't get what we want we don't do what we want and we don't even get the recognition of that that's why we feel very unseen,

Unheard in our own relationships I remember my teacher saying which is so beautifully applicable even in this exploration I remember him saying that in every moment you should be choosing what is best for all parties concerned including you in every moment you should be choosing what's best for all parties concerned including you not just you and not just everyone else all parties concerned this one advice from my teacher seems to encapsulate the pitfall of being selfish and egotistical where I'm only thinking about me all the time or unnecessarily sacrificial where I'm only thinking about others all the time in theory all these things might make sense but this one day we get where something's different something's different inside that is what I want to zoom in on the guards are down permission is given freedom is available and can be tasted and this freedom is no simple feat to handle because if you are not a person with clarity exercising freedom to do what you want will be a nightmare for you so it forces you to be sensitive to what you want what you feel like eating who you feel like spending your time with how you would like to dress up how would you like to spend your time during the day would you like to worry would you like to ignore or that which doesn't concern you all this comes from clarity sometimes we might be clear on what we want but we are busy trying to please someone else although it is labeled as a sacrifice the sacrifice is still with an expectation that somebody sees me sees my sacrifice,

Acknowledges it you and I both know that it is a recipe for disaster so this freedom forces you to put yourself in the mix,

Your needs your impersonal desires to celebrate to do to think,

To feel a certain way rather than losing yourself in what other people want and then being frustrated resentful about how no one ever thinks about me you get to realize that I am an equal participant in priorities not just others because this so called sacrifice is not helpful for you and for others because we get only one day allegedly because we get only one day allegedly to do what we want if there is any hindrance to that,

There is tremendous amount of suffering that comes with it irritation,

Frustration but that's just the pressure of making this day last to squeeze every ounce of juice from this day because this is the only day of our freedom but if we understand that this is just another ordinary day with an extraordinary permission from yourself firstly and every other day is an equally ordinary day that we can make extraordinary by giving the same permission the pressure of squeezing from one day will ease off pockets of freedom pockets of clarity pockets of courage and not people pleasing can be found every single day we don't have to lose ourselves in our relationships in our roles in the expectations of other people from us we can live our life with our head held high equally high we don't have to sacrifice our joy that first person experience of freedom we don't have to sacrifice this all the time this might terrify your mind this possibility of living a free life and the freedom that we have granted ourselves more than what other people are trying to do for us terrifies our mind because then you have to recognize your own freedom you have to exercise your own freedom yes in the process we might have to we will have to develop some skills to speak in a way to relate in a way that equally prioritizes us along with other people and which might not be quote on quote accepted by those who are used to being prioritized higher than you including your spouses,

Your children but what's the point of unprioritizing yourself your freedom your joy because the lack of it comes up and is felt by them anyways if there was a way where you could absorb all the suffering internal and external without spreading it to those around us in any shape,

Way or form at any time then our current behavior would make sense but you and I both know we are always a volcano waiting to be erupted it's better to prioritize ourselves than to give permission to ourselves to make this experience of freedom internal freedom of feeling light feeling harmonious expansive and ordinary feeling instead of it being a once in a year phenomena it can become an everyday phenomena because we are waiting for someone else to do it for us we have delegated our freedom our feeling special to our spouses to our children,

To events,

To God to our jobs everyone except us and everyone including us has only disappointed us because once you remember the freedom that you experience on your birthday that permission that somehow echoes in your mind probably from your own pedestalization of a birthday or from society's pedestalization of a birthday how it gets there doesn't matter the point is that experience of that permission to feel free to do what you want and not just a selfish do what you want but a responsible do what you want without the pressure of feeling special the trick is to find the special in the ordinary and for that I have to make the special ordinary once we see the ordinariness in a special day like a birthday we can see the specialness in any ordinary day as well yes those days are not about the gifts but it can still be about what you want to think how you want to think,

How you want to feel what would you like to nourish your body with how would you like to spend your time,

With whom would you like to spend your time all these are very important questions not for one day in a year but for every day of the year and yes our life situations might be such that all of this might not be possible in one day every day but some of it can be possible on most of the days and as we get used to the freedom as we get used to the design,

To the clarity of this entire unfolding process including your participation in it you might find yourself surrounded with more days and more times than ever where the choice that you make will be the best choice for all parties concerned including yourself in any given context at any given time you don't have to wait for your birthday to dress up,

To look a certain way to feel a certain way all these permissions are as arbitrary as your birthday they can happen on any day you can choose to eat good food every single day or multiple days a week what you might realise is what stops you is the way you think the way you have become acclimated to thinking based on certain external conditioning hopefully this seed that I'm sowing in your mind right now gets enough water and fertile ground to blossom the seed of freedom the seed of inquiry into the truth to shed the untrue the projected the superimposed from the real because this is not about the others this is not about the world living a free life is not easy takes a lot of courage and clarity and persistence what's easy is to be in a prison prison of conditioning prison of habit prison of habits prison of following rules that are mere suggestions it forces us to recognise that in every moment we can make another choice all along we have been thinking that the choices have been made for us and we have helplessly surrendered to what is being thrown at us but this investigation helps see the choices that are available and the freedom that is hidden behind those choices instead of unknowingly,

Unintentionally choosing what we don't want we can intentionally choose what we do want not in isolation of course based on the context of every moment for each one of us there is a choice and in situations,

In moments when there is no choice but the choice that has been made for us that choice itself becomes a choiceless freedom where nature,

Where God where the universe has made the choice for us but in most moments we are free free with multiple choices we don't have to choose what creates,

What spreads,

What perpetuates suffering in us and around us we don't have to suppress our freedom we don't have to suppress other people's freedom in the choices we make we can,

In the choices we make,

Create boundaries respect boundaries for ourselves and for others everyday we can wake up feeling special with excitement with enthusiasm not the loud excitement not the loud enthusiasm but a quiet zest and joy for the day of being alive of being free of getting to exercise this understanding and letting it integrate into our life,

Into the different facets of our life and this is not something that is alien to us,

I want to repeat this our birthday gives us an insight an experiential insight on what it feels like and some of us even celebrate our birthday on a different day other than our birthday we exercise the same freedom on that day but because we are working,

We are busy we decide to celebrate it later pretending it's our birthday why can't we pretend it's our birthday everyday because there is fear fear of our own freedom fear of our own light be courageous recognize your freedom in every moment choose courage to exercise your freedom in every moment choose intelligence to navigate to learn skills to navigate people,

Situations for the best of all parties involved including you get clear on your inner impersonal desires that are being suppressed ignored that are haunting you to see them,

To let them out and let this joy of living a full,

Free,

Courageous skillful life radiate in your life and those around you