Shutting Down At The End Of The Workday

Turning off work at the end of the day is a struggle for many of us. We keep saying to ourselves, "I just need to complete one more task." Which turns into two, or three, and disrupts our evenings and our sleep.

Experiment with the 3 strategies outlined in this talk to develop stronger end-of-workday boundaries. By building the "turning-off" muscle, you will strengthen your connections to your partner, family, and friends, and improve your own night's rest and time for joy.

Note: this talk does refer to parenthood.

Transcript

Hello and welcome working parents.

Today we're here to talk a little bit about the struggles with shutting down work at the very end of the workday.

That end-of-day boundary can be really challenging for many of us who are passionate about the work that we're doing and who feel a drive to keep going and going and going without stopping,

Which we know can really interfere with things like good sleep,

The ability to have other interests,

Time spent with our children,

All of that.

So today I want to talk about a couple of strategies that you might consider when you're really struggling to turn off at the end of the day.

I also want to recognize that over the past,

Well now it's been 18 months or so that we've been in this COVID world,

Work and life have become a big mush and some of the natural boundaries that we might have had between work and home via our commute,

For example,

Have been stripped away.

And so as we talk about stopping at the end of the day,

I'm talking about both if you are in an office and the ability to turn off and go home and be with your family or the ability to shut off at night if you've gone back to work after dinner and potentially bath time and bedtime with children,

For example.

So either of those shutoffs.

The first time that I really struggled or at least recognized that I was struggling in a big way with the end of day shutoff was when I had my first baby.

I returned to work after parental leave and suddenly I couldn't work quite the way that I used to.

I had to now leave at a very defined time of day,

Leave the office at a very defined time of day to go pick up my child from childcare,

From daycare.

I would normally stay a bit later than most folks at the office and now suddenly I needed to leave at 4 30 p.

M.

Because the daycare was closing at 5 30.

I had to take the metro to get there and if I was late daycare charged us $10 a minute.

So there was an incentive for me to leave.

And yet I definitely felt that guilt and the pull and the oh my gosh what will everyone think.

And I had to get very clear on my own values and center in why I was leaving,

Why I was shutting down.

And quite frankly I kept repeating to myself the Teddy Roosevelt quote,

Comparison is the thief of joy,

As I walked out of the office and told myself you do you don't compare yourself to other people this is what's right for you and your family.

I've also as a working parent spend a lot of time doing what is often referred to as the split shift which is going and doing the workday ending it perhaps a little bit earlier than you otherwise would have,

Spending time with your family during dinner,

Bath,

Bed and then getting back online and working again after the children go to sleep.

This was particularly critical for me during the pandemic times when I had no childcare whatsoever,

Schools were closed,

Children were home and the time that I was able to work was after they went to sleep.

I know this is a common experience for many working parents.

So after getting totally burned out of by working that split shift and working late into the evenings and blowing past whatever time I said I was going to stop,

At some point I reached a decision where I knew I needed to do something to change that behavior,

Change that pattern,

Mostly because I wasn't getting enough sleep,

I wasn't getting enough time with my husband and I was just downright cranky as many of us get in that state.

So I came up with a plan to be able to define a nighttime shutdown boundary and routine that has been working for me for the past year or so and I wanted to share that routine and the things that help for me to convince myself to turn off and shut down.

So the first thing that I did was to declare a time,

Absent a work emergency,

A true emergency,

That I'm going to shut down,

That I was going to shut down and for me the time was 10 30 p.

M.

So my children are in bed by around 9,

I got back on for another hour or so and then I said okay 10 30 that's it.

If I stop then I can get into bed by 11,

11 15 and get a good seven hours of sleep which is what my buddy needs anyway to be able to to function properly the next day.

So once I declared the time the next thing that I focused on was having an accountability partner for that shutoff and I find that it's particularly helpful if you tell someone what you have committed to whether it's about a goal that you've set for yourself or a commitment that you've made to exercise or sleep or whatever it is.

The more you are able to enlist the help of someone else by telling them that you know you would like their help in putting you on the hook for performing that action and the more likely you are to actually meet your goal.

So I told my husband 10 30 that's it I'm done and it's not as though he comes and you know knocks on my laptop and says okay it's time to shut down but rather I have that sense of being on the hook to him at 10 30 and that's you know the time that I start powering down my my computer.

The third and final thing that I have found perhaps the most helpful in stopping work at the end of the day has been to commit to doing an activity that brings me joy afterwards something I'm really looking forward to this is to avoid doom scrolling shutting down just for the simple act of shutting down when you know you're really your mind is still gonna go in a million directions and for me that after work shut down activity is actually using insight timer with my husband to do a meditation together for five to ten minutes it's a practice he and I had talked about doing for a very long time and we said oh we really want to set the side this time aside to be able to meditate together to sit together to reflect on our day together and yet we just never did it so now this has become the rise the designated time of time of day time of evening for us to connect and breathe and relax and meditate after that I go up and get ready for bed and then I like to lie in bed and just read some fiction for a little bit I do occasionally open up a nonfiction book but at that point I don't really want to engage my brain I would just love to get caught up in a story for a little bit even if I read two or three pages that for me is satisfying and then I go to bed one strategy that also worked for me in the past to help turn off my brain was a nightly gratitude practice and for a very long time I kept a book right next to my bed where I wrote down three four or five things that I was grateful for during the day and often that thing I was grateful for was related to my my children and some funny thing that they said or wonderful thing that they learned how to do which provided me both with the documentation of some amazing amazingly hilarious quotes from them and also the ability for me to focus on the good from the day and not the stress from the day as I was falling asleep when I've done this nightly gratitude practice it has helped me to fall asleep faster it's helped stop the running to-do list from going through my brain and in the event I do have some thought about work I have a piece of paper there where I can just scribble myself a note and then know that it is parked there and I can turn off so as you're thinking about nighttime shut down can you define a time can you get an accountability partner can you find an enjoyable next activity as you're thinking about this two last thoughts that I want to leave you with one is the idea that if you're someone who has a to-do list and that to-do list you know is ongoing you will probably have that to-do list until you are 80 or 90 years old and so the thought that it needs to be done by tomorrow is perhaps if you zoom out a little silly if I remind myself that I will have that to-do list sitting next to my bed even when I can barely get out of bed it reminds me that I can go to sleep and that will be fine and it's just a normal part of life finally I want to close with the wise words of Brené Brown who when talking about boundaries encourages people to choose discomfort over resentment what I love about her phrase choose discomfort over resentment when you're drawing a boundary here you're drawing a boundary between staying up later and doing more work is that she recognizes that it is not always comfortable or easy to set that boundary what I say it's easy for me to stop emailing and shut down my laptop at night no but it is a lot better than feeling resentful that I stayed up half the night and then was irritable with my children the next morning because we all know how contagious emotions can be good luck with your nighttime shutdown I know this is a world of work-life mush and I wish you all the best in experimenting with some of these practices

Reviews

This was helpful. Thank you!

Fantastic and I’m looking forward to trying them. Thank you.

A lot of suggestions did not pertain to me, but great advice all around. Thank you!

So grateful to have found this! Some real world advice. Love the idea of gratitude at the end of the day and will try all of your end of day practice suggestions. Thank you! 🙏🏾

This talk helped me wind down my day. I even fell asleep. I was so tired.

Useful tips that can be applied to other situations as well and I like your Easy, conversational tone.

Thank you for these advice. Realistic and simple but useful and pragmatic

Lovely and Helpful
That was really good- very helpful. Practical advice you can use right away. Cheerful presentation with good humor. Very nice voice-reassuring. Thank you. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Loved this thank you 🙏