How To Deal With Emotional Triggers

We all get triggered, but how we deal with these triggers can either help us get free from our emotional traumas or make us continue in this repetitive cycle. It is not the person or the event that triggers us that is the problem, it is the emotional stuff that is already within that causes us these emotional reactions. Here I share a personal trigger and how I deal with them. This recording is taken from my course - Self-compassion - The way of Harmony.

Transcript

To prepare for,

To plan and write this course,

I took myself off for a week,

Somewhere tranquil and beautiful.

I have thoroughly been blessed by my view of rolling green hills,

Enjoyed my walks under the blue and grey skies,

Have peacefully sat in the sun,

The wind,

The rain,

Yes it is the north of England folks,

This is normal,

And I have felt contentment.

I decided,

Seeing as I am working so hard,

To treat myself to a full body massage due to so many hours sat at my laptop,

And if you will allow me,

I would like to describe this to you.

The room was like a small wine cellar,

Beautiful stone walls and roof.

It was filled with soft muted candle lights,

And there was an aromatherapy oil of some sort that permeated the whole place.

I decided I liked it.

I got on the bed and snuggled under the covers and prepared myself for the best ever massage.

Here's how it went from the viewpoint of my mind.

She's using cream,

She's not using oil.

Why would she not use oil?

I don't like cream.

I don't like the sound that cream is making.

Ooh,

She should definitely use oil.

I'm not right keen on that pressure she's using,

I would prefer it a bit harder actually.

Oh well,

It's not early,

So maybe she's just easing into it a bit,

And she will put a bit more pressure on it in a bit.

Ah,

This is nice.

I hope she gets them knots out of my neck.

My shoulders were killing me this morning.

Actually,

I really should do a bit more yoga in between work,

So I don't start seizing up.

What,

What's she doing?

I don't like that.

I've never had that done before.

Oh no,

I wish she'd stop that.

Oh,

That's nice.

Yeah,

I hope she stays there a bit.

That feels quite nice.

I wonder what that smell is.

I wonder if they sell it in the shop.

I might call afterwards and buy some.

That's not very professional.

I don't like that.

I don't know why she would do that.

I'm sure she's thinking about what she's going to make for tea,

Because it doesn't feel like her mind is properly on the job at all.

Ah,

That's better.

Yes,

She's getting into it now.

Yes,

That's nice.

I'm glad she's doing this.

I think I'm going to organize a healing retreat for ladies.

It will have embodied yoga and healing meditations,

And then in between sessions there will be lovely massages.

I think I will text Bridget later about that,

And I'll send an email to the guy that owns this place,

See what he thinks.

Oh,

I think it must be nearly finishing,

Because she said she would finish on my head,

And now she's just gone to my head.

Well,

That went fast.

Time flies.

My hair is going to be well greasy now.

I can't go to the shop looking like I've had my head stuck in a chick pan.

I'll have to go straight home now.

I wonder how much I should charge for this retreat weekend.

Little bell rings to signal end of massage.

What's she ringing that bell for?

What a horrible little noise.

Lightning flesh memory of little musical jewellery box I had as a little girl.

Little ballerina used to turn around inside when you turned the button.

Sudden sensation in my chest and stomach.

Heaviness,

Thick like mud.

Why did I think about that jewellery box?

That's weird.

Oh yes,

It will have been those bells.

It was a similar sound.

I feel sad now.

Why do I feel sad?

Why should you feel sad?

You're away for a week and having a lovely massage,

So stop your whinging and enjoy the bloody massage,

Will you?

So during my hour and a half ultimate pamper massage,

I've planned a weekend retreat,

Judged every bit of the massage,

Had an amazing opportunity to embark on some healing inner work,

But then told myself off for not enjoying myself.

In the meantime,

I have barely been present for the whole experience.

It might sound quite amusing to hear the musings of my mind,

But this was literally everything that was going on for me.

And whilst I decided what was good,

What was bad,

And whilst I planned for the future and had a memory of the past,

I missed out on my actual life.

And although this is a perfect example of what we heard yesterday,

Of how our thoughts are always preferring this or avoiding that,

It also highlights how our thoughts can rob us of our real experience.

So although that story might have highlighted how our thoughts can steal our attention away from our actual life,

What I really wanted to focus on was a trigger within that story.

We all have triggers.

These can be in people we meet for the first time,

People at work,

And especially people within our families,

Including our children.

These people just trigger you.

Some reaction goes off inside you and usually makes you angry.

You also have automatic triggers that you are often not aware of.

These can be smells,

Sounds,

A bush,

A weather pattern,

A place,

A taste,

A view.

These triggers are always linked to a memory.

Your brain very kindly retrieves a memory for you to revisit.

And although you might think that memory is insignificant,

Think again.

It's not.

It's extremely significant.

These memories are a message to tell you something needs looking at.

There is an examination to be done,

A memory to be dug out of the attic and sat with for a while.

So for me,

The ballerina jewellery box needed looking at again.

Here's what I did.

I sketched my memory.

I drew a very basic picture of this jewellery box.

This helped me to see it in more detail in my mind because I was focusing fully on it.

And then I sat with my image of it.

The details around this memory are foggy and that's okay because if I needed more details,

They would have been shown to me.

So they are not what is important.

But what I do know is I felt sadness.

As I sat as a maybe five or six year old,

Turning the key over and over to watch the dancing ballerina,

I felt sad.

I remembered that.

My childhood was pretty confusing in some ways,

So it doesn't surprise me that I noticed that emotion.

And it is not about digging deeper to find out why I was sad.

If that is needed,

It will come.

But for now,

It is just about sitting with five year old Mandy and acknowledging the sadness there in us.

I don't need to change it or fix it.

I just need to be there with it,

With me.

Sat watching her turn the key.

Sat watching sat watching the ballerina turning around.

Sat with her sadness,

Telling her it's going to be okay.

It's going to get better.

So if we can see triggers as opportunities to heal,

Rather than annoyances that we want to be rid of,

Then that changes the relationships we have to our triggers.

We don't run away from them.

We run to them,

Knowing they are actually our friend,

Our helper.

Let's think about some more about these triggers.

Close your eyes if you wish.

I'm going to invite you to breathe with me here for a couple of minutes.

And now think of someone close to you,

Who you feel is your biggest trigger.

What is it that you feel when you feel triggered by this person?

Remember a feeling can be described in one word.

And although you might have more than one feeling,

Try to describe each of them in just one word.

Angry,

Frustrated,

Disappointed,

Judged,

Scared,

Controlled,

Rage,

Distanced,

Dismissed,

Insignificant,

Unseen,

Unheard.

These might be some words that came to mind along with others.

But see if you can distinguish between these words which are feelings and which are thoughts or interpretations.

Anger,

Frustration,

Disappointment,

Judged,

Scared,

Controlled,

Rage,

Distanced,

Dismissed,

Insignificant,

Unseen,

Unheard.

An interpretation of a situation like unseen.

This is not a feeling,

This is an interpretation.

And now just be with that feeling or feelings.

Be with them,

Invite them.

Do you notice a tendency to distract or get away from them?

Do you notice a story going on in your mind?

Are there stories deciding that this exercise,

This sitting with the feelings,

Is bad or good?

Are the thoughts trying to pull you away from what you are doing right now?

Are your thoughts telling you this is silly?

What's the point of this?

Can you decide to stay just a little longer,

Hunker down with your feelings here and wait.

Allow whatever is there.

Don't fight it.

This is not a war,

It's just a mirror showing you what is already inside you.

That person,

Your trigger,

Is a mirror.

You can never truly run from your triggers.

They will pop up everywhere until you stop and be with what is there.

Stop running,

Stop being ashamed,

Stop ignoring.

Face it.

Sit down here.

Rest a while,

Just a little longer.

And let's seal this now.

Imagine you are stood and all around you is the skies above our sky.

Look around.

It is so dark but yet so bright.

You see millions of stars in the dark skies.

Here there is so much emptiness but yet it is so full.

You are completely safe here because you have yourself as protector and you are enough.

Breathe in the wide open space and say to yourself,

I am enough.

You feel joy because you have yourself to make you happy to make you happy and you are enough.

Breathe in this invigorating open space.

I am enough.

You feel approved of because you approve of yourself and you are enough.

Breathe in this tremendous open space.

I am enough.

You have friendship because you are your best mate and you are enough.

Breathe in the space.

I am enough.

You have peace because you are all you need.

Breathe in the space.

I am enough.

And open your eyes when you are ready.

Feel free to journal anything that arose for you that you feel was important and decide to remain open to any of your triggers,

However small.

Change your relationship with them.

See them as your friend,

Not your enemy.

And take some time to be curious with whatever is there.

Examine and explore.

Acknowledge and accept.

Even the tendencies to run for the hills,

Accept that too.

Just gently and kindly and slowly allow yourself to be with whatever is there,

Teeny bit by teeny bit,

If that's all you can manage.

It's okay.

Be kind to yourself.

Take your time.

I hope you're okay.

This stuff can be exhausting.

Do something nice now.

Look after yourself.

Reviews

Thank you, as you said, that was exhausting... but of course - so very powerful. I feel i cleared a big block that I hadn't previously recognised clearly enough to see its damage. I feel lighter and pleased with myself for doing this. Thank you again for your guidance.

Wow….this was a gift! It is hard for me sometimes, during the pressing nature of antidepressant withdrawl, to navigate towards the higher self that loves, sees, validates, and feels. This meditation gave me a glimpse again and for that, I am so so grateful! Thank you!

Thank you. Sitting with my feelings is so contradictory to what I want to do.... which is ignore and stuff them. I appreciate your voice, tone, honesty, and wisdom. I truly believe I'm in a safe place with a safe person.

I am in love. Celebrating and growing through my 50th trip around the sun today. This was a needed find!

Really liked this meditation, it's so down to earth and wise.

Loved this so much, I think it was just what I needed. Thank you 🙏 I smiled at the first part - it was very relatable! The second part moved me to tears, but in a healing way. Thank you again.