Why Am I So Angry?

Josh Reeves invites us to take a break from stress, anxiety, and anger and examine their role in our lives. Sometimes they can be healthy, but when we lose a sense of their practical purpose of informing us why we feel the way we do, they get out of control and start possessing us instead of us possessing them.

Transcript

So,

I'm so happy to be here,

But I'm also very angry.

Hence,

The title of the message today,

Why Am I So Angry?

I thought we'd just start right here and just go around,

And so I can get this analysis taken care of.

But we all get angry,

Right?

But do you ever stop and say,

Man,

I'm really angry?

Maybe not punch a hole in the wall angry,

But maybe,

You know,

Kick something.

Sometimes I get angry that I'm angry,

And I don't understand why.

But when I check in and I ask myself,

Why am I so angry,

95% of the time,

It's because so and so or such and such is obstructing me from having or getting what I want.

And if I could wish for anything to be removed from all of our lives,

It would be blame.

There's no constructive good to it whatsoever,

And it takes our creative power away.

Douglas Adams said,

When you blame others,

You give up your power to change.

When you blame others,

You give up your power to change.

Chueng Tsa,

A great Taoist teacher,

Said that if you're crossing a river on a boat and an empty boat runs into you,

You probably don't yell at it.

But if there's someone in the boat,

You probably do.

And Chueng Tsa's point here gives us a great analogy about healthy anger and unhealthy anger.

Healthy anger is when we step onto the boat of our lives with a clear direction in mind,

And even though an obstacle gets in our way,

We continue to keep our focus on what we want or where we want to arrive.

Unhealthy anger is when we get caught up in the obstacle,

So much so at times that we can forget the destination we wanted to get to altogether and focus only on that which is in our way.

Healthy anger,

Unhealthy anger.

It's been a long day at work,

And you're on the way home.

And what you want is to unwind,

To relax,

And have some peace of mind.

And your cell phone starts ringing,

And it's that person from work who you know knows that you're supposed to be off right now,

But they're calling you anyways.

There's red brake lights all in front of you.

I forgot to email so-and-so.

Oh,

I forgot the Bronco game is on,

And they're two minutes in and down two touchdowns already.

I have found in any given moment at least 10 or more possible reasons to get ticked off.

Unhealthy anger is picking up that phone and being passive-aggressive to the person that called you.

Healthy anger is saying to yourself,

I will call them back later.

Healthy anger is trying to force your way through that traffic,

Blaming everyone around you.

Healthy anger is saying,

What do I need to do right now to find some calm and peace of mind?

Unhealthy anger is saying,

I'm going to martyr myself and email that person back as soon as I get home.

Healthy anger is saying,

How about I email myself a reminder to email them later?

Broncos are losing.

I'm going to spend the next three hours criticizing and arguing with the coaching staff in my mind.

Unhealthy anger.

Healthy anger,

I'm just going to put on some Stevie Wonder and relax.

Healthy anger,

Unhealthy anger.

And a lot of us don't like to admit it,

But where anger shows up the most is with the people we care about most,

Often within our households.

We can get into this blame cycle.

Ladies and gentlemen of the non-existent jury in my mind,

I present to you defendant Nancy June Reeves.

I know she's four,

But don't let her fool you.

Because on August 25th,

2023 at 5 p.

M.

,

Nancy entered my room where I was trying to relax,

Having sacred video game time,

And demanded that I go outside,

Where it was 102 degrees by the way,

And watch her play.

And because I am totally and completely and utterly wrapped around her finger,

I did so and pouted and resented the whole entire time.

Am I the only one that gets like that?

And we've been the person and we empathize with the person and feel bad for the person who'd rather be right than get what they want.

Who instead of getting what they want,

Focuses their life on trying to get other people to see how wrong they are.

This is reminiscent of something called the drama triangle,

The dreaded drama triangle.

Let's see if you ever get into it.

It's when we get into that place in life where we see everything happening to us,

And we play the permanent role of victim,

Persecutor,

Or rescuer.

This is also called the Cartman Triangle,

But for years I thought it was called the Cartman Triangle,

Which has its own wisdom because he's often in it,

But we'll have to do the spirituality of South Park some other time,

The Cartman Triangle.

And using our analogy of the boat,

It's kind of like this.

When you're in the victim mode,

That thing that has obstructed you,

That has victimized you,

Even when it goes away,

You stay right where the hurt is and say,

Look at me and look at what happened to me,

And I am stuck right here.

Woe is me.

Not saying we're not all victimized,

But there's a consciousness of victim that sees that we have no ability of constructively moving forward towards our goals and what we want.

The persecutor says the victim goes,

Woe is me,

But I'm saying woe is you.

That boat that obstructed me that got in my way,

I will chase it around the four corners of the earth so that they know the wrong that they did to me.

And then there's the rescuer,

Which says,

I'm so sorry you hit my boat.

Please let me release any care or need that I have for myself so that I can help you get exactly where it is that you want to go.

Victim,

Anyone ever been there?

Persecutor,

I know I go there.

Rescuer,

We can all play all of these roles when we get angry and get caught up in the obstruction.

And it's so unfortunate to think about how many people live their whole lives in that drama triangle,

In victim,

In persecution,

In trying to rescue others.

It causes us to miss out on not only the fruits of life,

But on being a co-creative being with an infinitely creative and powerful spirit.

Now the other thing that can obstruct us besides other people is of course ourselves.

Fear.

We say that there's a destination we want to get to,

But the truth is we're afraid of leaving the comfortable miserable that might be where we are now to get there.

And so we'll make up obstructions.

We'll make up fears.

We'll even seek the obstructions out to keep us from becoming who we know we are meant to be.

And then there's grief,

Something we can't control,

Something that is the consequence of loving other people,

That can also cause us to feel stuck,

Cause us to feel in a fog where we don't know if where we wanted to get to is where we want to be anymore.

A dear,

Dear friend of mine shared with me,

Being in the midst of grief after losing several of the dearest people to her,

That for her grief was like having a big sore toe.

It's like having a big sore toe.

And if you don't touch it,

It's okay.

But the littlest prick,

I can't find my keys.

I'm running five minutes late and it's like everything falls apart.

And the fullness of that grief comes forward and we feel lost again.

I can't empathize enough with those of us who get inhibited by our fears or by our grief,

But allowing ourselves to have an extra layer of awareness,

We can declare,

I have grief.

Grief does not have me.

I have fears.

My fear does not have me.

I have anger.

My anger does not have me.

And from that place of extra awareness,

We can check in with ourselves and say,

What do I need right now?

What does my heart need right now?

And can I say yes to giving it to myself?

The next time you're really angry,

What do I need right now?

And how can I give it to myself?

It could just be opening up your heart to the love of God.

It could be surrendering all outcomes.

It could be embracing yourself in that moment,

Saying,

If I'm going to break,

I'm going to break open and just allowing ourselves to give ourselves the care that we need so that we can recognize that we can possess these negative emotions,

But they don't have to possess us.

Staying on this track of healthy anger this morning,

Healthy anger is learning to articulate and meet our own needs.

Healthy anger is learning to articulate and meet your own needs.

What is the opposite of blame?

For me,

It's responsibility.

The opposite of blame is responsibility,

And in responsibility,

There need be no blame.

Chueng Tzu,

In a different stanza,

Puts it this way.

He says,

The mature person is like a good archer.

When he misses the bullseye,

He turns around and seeks the reason for his failure in himself.

Again,

It's not about blame.

It's the ability when we're angry to say,

I am responsible for knowing what it is that I want.

No one else can do that for me.

And I am responsible to seeing that my own needs,

Physical,

Mental,

Spiritual,

Emotional,

Are met.

And that responsibility is about going into the work,

Sometimes the courageous work,

To get that for ourselves.

It helps us with ourselves,

And it helps us help the people around us.

David Emerald came up with a higher level of consciousness for the drama triangle,

And he called it the empowerment triangle.

It's where we move from victim to creator.

It's where we move from persecutor to challenger.

And it's where we move from rescuer to coach.

And the person that this works best with is yourself.

When you're in that time of anger,

To say,

Am I in a victim place,

And how can I move into a creator place so I can make higher choices for my best good today?

It's how can I move from this place of persecutor to challenger,

Not trying to make myself or anyone else wrong,

But to ask the question so I can live better and do better,

And to help other people as well?

How can I move to rescuer to coach,

Where it's not about jumping into the muck with anyone else,

But it's about having a little bit of tips in our own experience of how to get out of the muck?

I can jump.

I don't have to jump into the pool with you.

I can give you tips on how to swim.

This helps us move out of that consciousness of to me to from me,

Or through me,

Or as me,

And we reclaim our place as a co-creator of our lives with a divine spirit.

Healthy anger is articulating and meeting our own needs,

Which means sometimes that we have to ask for help from the people we love around us.

We have to ask for what we want.

We have to set boundaries.

We have to advocate for ourselves so that other people can help us.

Honey,

Can you watch the kids for an hour so I can go for a run?

Son,

I want to talk about this,

But not right now.

Can we talk about it later?

Nancy June,

I love you,

But you're going to have to find a way to play on your own right now.

Some of us are worried that we're going to hurt or anger the people we love by setting boundaries or saying what we need or what we want,

But trust me,

They'd much rather you meet your own needs than stalk through the house like an ogre out of a Tolkien novel.

When is the only time that an atheist says,

Lord,

When it's followed by of the rings.

I couldn't help myself.

Asking for what we want is an expression of healthy anger.

Articulating our needs is an expression of healthy anger.

Meeting those needs is the best way to alleviate that anger and help us get back to the composure and the decorum that we want to embody.

In his commentary on Choinsu's statement,

Stephen Mitchell says,

When you can live this most radical simile,

Missing the bullseye may look like a flash or irritation with your spouse or outrage at the morning headlines.

Turning around means taking total responsibility.

There's no blame or denial in it.

Healthy anger is also about getting back to composure.

Healthy anger is getting back to composure.

Note that healthy anger is not pretending like you're not angry.

Healthy anger is being angry,

But it's also about getting back to your composure.

This anger,

It's an alarm clock.

I'm not getting what I want.

How can I do that by getting back to composure?

We all get angry.

Sometimes to help me express this point in my mind,

I like to think of the most peaceful people I can think of getting angry.

The Dalai Lama is at a New York hotel,

Wakes up to meditate,

And the construction begins outside.

Wow.

Mother Teresa goes to Chili's,

And it takes 15 minutes,

And the server has not come to greet the table.

Gandhi has that friend,

Like we all do,

That just talks and talks and talks and tells the same stories over and over,

Not even Satyagraha is going to help me with this person.

Mr.

Rogers.

Mr.

Rogers.

And Mr.

Rogers said,

We all get mad,

But it's what we do with our mad that's important.

He was once asked,

Mr.

Rogers,

Do you ever get angry?

Yes,

Mr.

Rogers shared.

He tells the story of having a really hard day at work,

And then going to see his two grandsons after,

And their folks aren't there.

There's a babysitter there,

And they're playing with the hose outside.

They're doing water play.

And the oldest boy,

Alexander,

Starts spraying the hose a little too close to Fred.

And Fred warns him,

And you imagine an angry Mr.

Rogers voice.

That's like the most terrifying thing I can imagine.

Don't you squirt me with that hose,

Young man.

And the boy gets close again,

And that's it.

No more water play.

And Alexander gets sad,

And he says,

I'm sorry,

Bubba,

Which is his name for his grandfather.

And Mr.

Rogers shares that as soon as he got home,

He called his grandson.

And he said,

I'm so very sorry for the way things happened today.

You see,

I had a really hard day at work,

And I realized I was taking my anger out on you and your brother.

I am so very sorry.

And Alexander said,

Bubba,

Don't worry.

Everybody makes mistakes.

And Rogers shares in this heartfelt way that it brought him to tears,

Not only to experience the kind heart of his grandson,

But to experience such lovely forgiveness in that way.

The truth is,

If only we could better practice this with our partners,

If only we could better practice this with our coworkers,

That willingness to recognize a moment of anger where we lost our composure and to get back by being honest about it,

Sharing that our anger did not have anything to do with the person or necessarily what they did,

But what was going on with us,

Our experience of it.

It's one of my favorite stories about the leadership of Abraham Lincoln is one day in the midst of the Civil War,

A general comes in who had just learned that his wife had drowned and asked to be relieved to go see her.

And Lincoln,

Who's so stressed,

Says,

I can't deal with any more of this.

I will not deal with this right now.

The very next morning,

He's at the man's door with his hat in his hand.

I was a bore yesterday.

How can I help you?

It's not about trying to be this perfect person who's not angry.

It's about getting back to our composure and living our lives again.

Healthy anger is articulating and meeting our own needs.

Healthy anger is getting back to composure and healthy anger is flexibility.

It's flexibility.

It's so good to know where you want to go,

But if you get there through a vehicle of destruction and lack of kindness,

You're not going to like it when you wind up there.

Just as important as where we want to go is,

Is the nature in which we get there.

Just as important as where we're going is how we're getting there and the character that we bring to the table.

Sometimes if we're too focused on the destination,

We create a kind of tunnel vision.

It's just like the morning commute for me.

So often I've convinced myself that I'm the only person who has a place to get to and everyone else is in my way.

This is where the George Carlin law of human nature comes in.

How come everyone driving slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

And some people live their everyday life this way.

There are two classifications of people,

Idiots and maniacs,

And they're all in my way.

It's not just about where you want to go.

It's how you're going to get there.

And it takes a minute,

But when we use that traffic analogy,

We can pull back and see,

You know what?

We're all trying to get somewhere and we all deserve to get there safely and peacefully and as soon as we can.

And sometimes the best opportunities of life are those sidetracks,

Are those opportunities to let someone over,

Are those opportunities to get out of the turn lane so that more people can get in?

It's our ability to realize,

Hey,

If we all just slow down,

We might all speed up.

There's that willingness when we're willing to be flexible to realize that I am still getting where I want to go,

But maybe a different way than I thought.

That opportunity to serve someone,

That opportunity to be served or supported by someone can greatly influence our ability to use healthy anger to get us back,

Not just to where we want to go,

But to how we want to get there.

I framed an affirmation for us today and if you so choose,

Repeat it after me.

I am meeting my own needs.

I am ever nurturing my composure.

I can and will ask for support and I can change paths without changing destinations.

To close with a final thought from Twingsa today,

He shares,

Consider a window.

It is just a hole in the wall,

But because of it,

The whole room is filled with light.

Thus,

When the mind is open and free of its own thought,

Life unfolds effortlessly and the whole world is filled with light.

Reviews

A brilliant light hearted talk about our anger. Made me laugh and I had a lot of "aha" moments bringing clarity to my anger. TY 🙏💚