Self-Care Or Else

Self-Care or Else: Working Not To Death but To a Richer Life with Josh Reeves

The thing about working too hard without proper self-care is when we think we are doing everything right, we realize we are overwhelmed. If we aren’t careful, it feels like everything goes wrong. In honor of Labor Day, hear a message for the overworked, the busy, and those in need of rejuvenation.

Transcript

I want to tell you about a friend who could never hold down a job.

And the reason wasn't because she was sick or because she was late or because her life was filled with drama.

The reason was because she worked too hard.

She was a hard worker,

Which sounds kind of weird,

Right?

Hard work should always lead to success,

But sometimes if we're not careful,

It can lead to burnout.

And so for example,

If my friend got a job at a diner,

She would be given a section and she'd take great care of it,

But she'd want to do even more.

She'd want to go above and beyond.

So not only would she fill up the coffee cups of the people in her section,

But in everyone else's section too.

The other waiters and waitresses would really like this,

Especially including serving waters and running food.

And she'd do such a good job,

Her section would become expanded bigger and bigger,

And she'd start to feel the stress to get everything done.

And the waiters and waitresses at this point are so used to her filling up their coffee,

They'd actually start to resent her if she didn't get it done.

And before you know it,

Burnout.

Right?

Anyone here ever been there?

Yeah.

You know,

It's such that we have our message today,

Self-care or else.

Can you say that with me?

Self-care or else?

Self-care.

Working ourselves,

Not to death,

But to richer life.

And it's good to stop and ask ourselves what work really means to us,

What hard work really means to us.

So my friend was a hard worker,

And she worked hard because she wanted to be successful.

But sometimes for her,

Behind that hard work was the sense of not being good enough,

The sense of really wanting to be wanted or needed so she'd infuse herself in any part of the company that she would work for.

And it was this lack of self-image that the hard work was actually hiding.

And if she would just accept herself as she is and stay in her lane and do what was hers to do,

She would find that flow.

You know,

It's good to ask ourselves this Labor Day weekend,

What does work mean to you?

What is work to you?

Is it living on someone else's clock?

Is it just about making money or going through the routine?

Or is work to you a work of heart?

Is it about bringing forth the best that is within you to create environments in whatever field you are in for greater life?

I love something Khalil Gibran said in his famous The Prophet.

He says,

Always you have been told that work is a curse and labor a misfortune.

But I say to you that when you work,

You fulfill a part of Earth's furthest dream assigned to you when the dream was born.

And in keeping yourself with labor,

You are in truth loving life.

And to love life through labor is to be intimate with life's inmost secret.

Don't you love that definition of work?

Your life's work is about being one with life's innermost secret.

Maybe a little woo-woo,

But maybe we can embody it here today a little bit more.

I want to let you know in giving a talk on self-care today that I am no expert.

Most of the expertise that I will share with you is based upon my mistakes with self-care.

And it might be nice for us to pause and to think to yourself,

Who's the busiest person you know?

And for some of us,

It may be ego,

But we might raise our own hands.

How many of you,

For you,

Are you the busiest person that you know?

And that's the other thing.

I actually like being busy.

I love working.

But I'm a very busy person.

I have the honor of helping to lead this church,

Which in this pandemic has become like two churches,

One online and one in person.

I have the honor of being a dad to a 16-year-old and a three-year-old.

I have the honor of being a husband to a hardworking wife.

And so that I don't get so caught up in ministry and church,

I like to help other churches and do other things too.

It's a lot,

Right?

And here's the thing about being a minister is it's kind of like being a parent.

You have to be on call all the time.

You're never not a minister.

But what's important to me and what I love about ministry is when I'm able to separate the job from the lifestyle.

That's what I love most about ministry is it's a lifestyle where I have to be in integrity,

Put spiritual practice first.

That when I'm in interactions,

I see soul first versus just the identity or what someone's supposed to be doing.

It's that ability to try and see the divine in every situation.

And just because I have the license of minister doesn't mean that you're not all ministers too.

That we don't all have that opportunity to find a greater richness in our life,

A greater depth that takes care of ourselves while we're living our busy lives.

Now I do have some signs in my own life when self-care is lacking.

Some things that happen where I know I'm working myself not to rich your life but to death.

And the first is when I start blaming others for me not caring for myself.

Anyone ever do that?

Someone asks you to do something you know you don't have time but you say yes.

You mean no but you say yes.

And there you are,

You're picking up plywood from Home Depot or whatever it is and all of a sudden you realize,

Oh,

I'm working against myself.

You're watching someone's kids when you should be taking care of yourself.

Oh,

I said yes but I meant no.

And it can actually show up in very toxic ways.

It's something I'm embarrassed to share but I can sometimes blame my own family when I simply should just be asking for time to take a run or take a walk to take care of myself.

The second thing,

The second sign is when I do things that are unhealthy to take care of myself.

Do you know what I mean by that?

I start doing unhealthy things to take care of myself.

This has been one of those sub-narratives of the pandemic,

Right?

For so many of us.

Oh,

You know,

I'll have a glass of wine at home and I'll save money by actually getting that boxed wine and I'll have one or two glasses and before I know it I'm trying to squeeze it out of the pouch.

You know?

I'll just watch a little bit of news five hours in the same debate and yelling going on later.

I'm frazzled.

Forget it,

I'm going to eat that ho ho.

I'm going to have three ho hos.

And it's funny but yet we all know that when we do things that aren't good for us it's not self-care at all.

It's the opposite and this leads to addiction.

This leads to toxicity.

This leads to the exact opposite thing we were looking for.

The third sign for me that I'm not taking care of myself is when,

And I know this sounds dramatic,

When I no longer feel myself,

When I no longer feel my time belongs to me,

And when I no longer feel that my life is mine and God's but belongs to the busyness of the world.

Do you ever feel that?

That cog in the machine kind of feeling?

That worn down,

Soul crushing,

Beat up feeling of not even belonging to yourself.

There was a quote I read a couple months ago from Henry Nowan,

A great Catholic teacher.

This is one of those quotes I call a spiritual gut punch because it wakes me up to what I really want and need to be paying attention to.

He says,

Every morning,

Alone or in the company of others,

I spend at least one hour in quiet prayer and meditation.

I say every morning but there are exceptions.

Fatigue,

Busyness,

And preoccupation often serve as argument for not praying.

Yet without this one hour a day for God,

My life loses its coherence.

And I start experiencing my days as a series of random incidents and accidents rather than divine appointments and encounters.

Here's who's sick of the random incidents and accidents,

Right?

Who wants more of those divine appointments and encounters?

That's what I want in my life.

And it's through that work of self-care that we build that coherence with our relationship with the sacred that it can begin to seep into every area of our lives.

And we again feel that our lives are ours and God's again.

I want to feel that way.

Anyone else here want to feel that way?

Yeah.

It's important to understand for me about self-care is that it's not about participation trophies.

It's not about just accepting yourself when you're not doing what you're supposed to do.

It's not about not taking responsibility for your life.

It's not about not keeping your word.

Self-care is hardworking self-love.

That's what self-care is,

Hardworking self-love.

It takes a lot of work,

But that good kind of work,

That coherence that I'm talking about,

Not just filling out to-do lists and completing tasks.

It's about real love for yourself,

Especially when you feel it lacking.

And so I have a mantra for us today.

It's right in the title of the talk,

Self-care or else.

I don't mean it as a threat.

I don't mean it as a warning.

I offer it for us today as a mantra.

So can you say it with me?

Self-care or else.

Hey,

Will you help me do this thing I know you don't have time for?

Say to yourself,

Self-care or else.

Oh,

I can do a little bit of work even though it's my day off.

I'll be fine.

Self-care or else.

Oh,

I know they invited us to that party and I have absolutely no energy to go,

But we've got to go.

Self-care or else.

Putting your spirit first isn't selfish.

It is what allows you to be the presence that you seek to be in your life to care for others,

To love others,

To uplift others.

That's another thing about ministry.

We have to put God first.

Not an easy thing to explain before you get married,

Right?

But what we learn is when we put what is sacred to us first,

It gives us all the energy and life that we need to be there for those that we love,

Including ourselves.

So I have a few commitments to invite us into today.

I would love to say that I have fulfilled all these commitments so that I'm here teaching you,

But I'm here to take the commitments with you,

Okay?

And here's the first commitment I invite us to make.

I will not seek to escape my everyday life for self-care,

But to make my everyday life an example of self-care.

You want to say this one with me?

I will not seek to escape my everyday life for self-care,

But to make my everyday life an example of self-care.

You ever have that experience?

You're digging through your calendar trying to find some time to get away.

And if you do find it,

It's often months and months from now,

And you get it there.

And anyone else here like me,

I'm really bad at vacation.

Not like Peter and George over there,

But I am not that good at vacation.

I take a four-day trip and I finally relax that third night before I go home.

Because of the nicks and the scrapes,

Because of the burden,

It's hard to move to self-care from being in the rat race,

From being so busy.

But when we can,

Look not just at the time that we can escape our life,

But when you can look every day,

What can I do for my self-care?

Every week,

What am I called to do for my self-care?

Every month,

What am I called to do for my self-care so that I don't have to run away from my life to care about myself,

But I can actually make my life an example of self-care?

Every day,

I'm going to meditate or pray.

I'm going to read a little bit.

Once a week,

I'm going to take an hour for some exercise.

I'm going to do some journaling.

Once a month,

I'm going to have a non-people day,

A creative day,

Just for me.

There's three simple questions we need to ask ourselves when it comes to seriously taking care of ourselves.

Number one,

What is it that I want to do to take care of myself?

Question two,

What is the time that it takes to do it?

And three,

What is the boundary that I need to protect it?

Okay,

So think about that.

What is that thing that you want to do to take care of yourself?

You got it,

Ron?

Dr.

Raz has it.

Okay,

Now what's the time that you need to do it?

And,

This is sometimes the hardest one,

What's the boundary that you need to protect it?

I know what I want.

I want to meditate,

To pray,

And to write a little bit in the morning,

Every morning.

That's what I want to take care of myself.

What is the time I need to do it?

20 minutes,

I'm good.

Just give me 20,

25 minutes.

If I can have more,

That's great.

What is the boundary that I need to protect it?

There might be a sign on the door in the house.

You know,

Kids,

If you're going to come in the room,

Be quiet,

Come and sit down with me.

Little Nancy June actually has gotten good at praying.

You know,

What are those boundaries that protect that yes that we want to do?

And if you can do that for every day in your life,

And then highlight those things you can do once a week or once a month,

You're on your way.

You're on your way into infusing into your everyday life that coherence,

That resonance,

A feeling and knowing that you're yourself and the best that you can be to live each day.

The second commitment is I will turn escapism into mindfulness,

Transforming wasted time into sacred time.

Will you say that one with me?

I will turn escapism into mindfulness,

Transforming wasted time into sacred time.

Now,

This takes some honest self-reflection.

But what are those things that you're doing right now to escape your life?

Again,

This has been an undercurrent of the pandemic.

There's so much going on.

Things are so crazy.

I'm empathic.

I'm just feeling the weight of everything in the world.

Everyone feeling that way?

What do I do?

The tendency is to want to turn off.

The tendency is to want to unplug from it all.

The tendency is to numb out.

And it's a good first thought,

But it's not going to serve you.

In the long run,

It's not going to serve you.

I'm always suspicious when I hear someone say they want to unplug.

I don't want to unplug.

I want to plug in.

I don't want to turn off.

I want to turn on.

I don't want to numb out.

I want to feel all of these feelings that I'm keeping myself from feeling because I'm in escape mode in all my free time.

So you've got to make that list.

Is it Netflix binging?

Is it too much wine?

Is it lurking on Facebook?

Is it hitching your tent in the media industrial complex?

Whatever it is.

And it's not like these things are bad in themselves always.

Some of my best meditations involve a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

But when I'm using these things to turn off,

I'm turning away from my life,

Which means I'm turning away from that divine life that's there to lift me up.

And so the charge to us is to take that escapism and turn it into mindfulness.

Take that wasted time and turn it into a state of time.

But if you're like me,

You'll have this escapist mind that says,

Take a walk?

What good is that going to do?

Call a friend?

That sounds tiring.

I'm going back to lurking on Facebook.

Right?

You know,

Journaling?

I'm too boring to journal.

We'll try to resist that.

But because we think the activity that's going to increase mindfulness and awareness in us is going to burn us out more.

But I promise you,

It's the opposite.

I promise you,

It's the opposite.

Learn to turn those escapist or numbing out activities into mindfulness.

Or at least,

You know,

Just one Netflix episode and then journal.

One glass of wine and then a walk around the lake.

You know,

Whatever your thing is.

But bring that consciousness to your life and realize that turning off doesn't serve you or anyone else.

But turning on and welcoming the sacred into your life will give you the foundation to move forward.

And it will give us the strength to feel all of these feelings going on around us.

To look whatever's happening in the world right in the eye.

And to know that within us is the courage,

The competence,

The integrity,

And the heart to pull through.

I love something that Wayne Muller said in his now classic book,

Sabbath.

When we live without listening to the timing of things.

When we live and work in 24-hour shifts without rest,

We are on wartime.

Mobilize for battle.

That sound like the last 18 months to you?

Yes,

We are strong and capable people.

We can work without stopping faster and faster.

Electric lights making artificial day so the whole machine can labor without ceasing.

But remember,

No living thing lives like this.

There are greater rhythms that govern how life grows.

Circadian rhythms,

Seasons in hormonal cycles,

And sunsets and moonrises and great movements of seas and stars.

We are part of the creation story,

Subject to all its laws and rhythms.

What we do need to take a break from is this tick-tock time.

This work time,

This 24-hour military-like time of doing,

Doing,

Doing to open up to that primordial sacred time.

That time where we can be embraced by a divine embrace and remember who we are,

Why we're here,

And the truth about humanity so that we can bring it through our work,

Through our hard work,

Through our self-love,

Through everything that we do.

A third commitment for us,

I will let self-care take care of it.

I will let self-care take care of it.

Can you say that one with me?

I will let self-care take care of it.

Let me let you in on a little secret.

And perhaps think of a problem or a conflict that's going on in your life right now.

And I invite you to ask yourself,

Could self-care make a difference there?

Did you know that taking a day off for real self-care can help heal a relationship?

Did you know that taking just a little bit of time away from work to gather your thoughts and your heart can solve a conflict in your workplace?

Did you know that taking sincere time to inquire and know yourself can give you the answer to a problem that you've been scattering around looking for for months and months and months?

Isn't that cool that self-care can be an answer to our biggest problems?

We all like self-care,

Don't we?

Yeah.

It can empower us.

You know,

I was putting together the talk and I wrote the description.

And I just couldn't get I Love Lucy out of my mind for some reason.

First ever sitcom,

The brilliant Lucille Ball,

The brilliant Desi Arnaz.

And I would argue that just about every episode of I Love Lucy is the same.

The same formula.

Lucy gets bright idea.

Lucy is either unprepared or some sort of instance takes place and hilarity ensues,

Right?

Whether it's the Vita Vita Vegemann having the liquor in it or it's the conveyor bay with the belt with the chocolates going by too fast or it's little Ricky's birthday party and she wants to be Superman and she gets stuck out on the ledge,

Right?

Are you unpopular?

Do you pop out at parties?

Right?

You remember?

And we all have our Lucy moments,

Right?

Where we go rushing in from that doing place without the heart and problems begin to occur and hopefully it's hilarity but sometimes it's deeper wounding and pain that can happen.

Well,

Lucille Ball was a brilliant woman and she has this quote that I just love.

And she says,

This is later in her life,

I have an everyday religion that works for me.

Take care of yourself first and everything else falls into line.

I have an everyday religion that works for me.

Take care of yourself first and everything else falls into line.

It's a sweet statement but do you resonate with that?

Does that sound true?

What an amazing thing to think about when we're struggling or when we're stressed.

Self care or else.

Self care or else.

Gosh,

Maybe the stress isn't a sign that I'm overwhelmed by the world problems but that I'm not taking care of myself.

Self care or else.

Lucille Ball was a student of Norman Vincent Peale's Power of Positive Thinking.

She was also a student of a book called The Art of Selfishness which my wife said should become my memoirs for some reason.

I don't know why she said that.

I'm kidding.

But Lucille Ball says when she makes a choice,

She asks herself the following questions.

These are good ones to ask yourself too.

Is this good for Lucy?

Does it fill my needs?

Is it good for my health,

My peace of mind?

Does my conscience agree?

Does it give me a spiritual lift?

What an amazing thing when we're making a decision to take it into heart whether it's something as complex as a job change or something as simple as what do I want to do with my free time today?

To get back to what I believe we're all longing for.

That coherence of living a blessed life.

That resonance that knows that there's more than the to-do list in this day in front of us.

That sense that we have a living,

Breathing connection with every human being that we encounter and through some divine magic that we may not ever understand,

We've been brought together to bring forth this deep inner life within us.

We're here today.

Labor Day weekend.

Let's make that choice not to not live our lives but to continue to step into them deeper,

More profoundly,

Spending more time with our heart and allowing that to give us this greater sense of space where we don't have to feel that we're running out of time but that we're adding breath and spaciousness.

This interwovenness of fullness and stillness,

Of busyness and laughter,

Of time and space to live in harmony with our hearts and our lives once again.

So going into prayer this day,

I invite you to join me if you choose and just invite all of our incredible practitioner prayer partners in the room if they choose to stand just to join in this prayer.

Some of my minister friends are here too.

You guys stand up as well if you're up for it.

Just giving thanks for life.

Giving thanks for life which is God's work.

Giving thanks for life which is the divine's passion.

Giving thanks for life which is the weaving of spirit into form.

I know that available to each and every one of us who chooses to accept it is a never-ending wellspring of newness,

Of creativity,

Of love,

Of awareness.

A never-ending wellspring for the never-ending receptivity of our heart.

May we simply speak a word for any part of ourselves,

Our identity,

Our relationships that we have allowed to come out of the flow,

Out of sync with this divine coherence,

With this life which is divine work in action.

And may we open up our heart so that work of the divine life can do its work through us,

Through what resonates with our mind to what speaks to our heart,

To what gives those goosebumps on our body that say yes to living in a greater and more profound way.

And may we make a commitment today,

Right here and right now,

Starting this instant to do the hard work of self-love,

The work of feeling what is there to feel,

Of forgiving who needs to be forgiven,

Of stepping into living life not just surviving or getting by,

But thriving in alignment with our passion and our heart no matter what the struggles may be around us.

I know that this divine life ignites a presence.

It ignites an energy that's not about giving us more energy to do all the stuff we have to do,

But gives us that space,

That gives us that breath to know we are loved by a divine presence,

That we are the expression of a holy being,

And what we do with our life matters to the expression and the seedbed of new,

Profound life all around us.

We let it be.

We let it become committing to never surrender to the doubts,

To never surrender to the tiring path,

To never surrender to only doing,

But to be fulfilled and uplifted in the magic of being itself,

In this divine love,

In this divine inspiration.

May we feel it and live from it now.

And so it is.

Reviews

Wow. Just, wow.
Thank you, Rev. Josh!