Making Friends With Our Inner Critic

Making Friends with Our Inner Critic // What We're Thinkin' About Podcast Ep.1 with Barry Ebert and Kay Johnson. In this episode we are going to talk about our inner critic—that little voice inside our head. Sometimes it scolds us, very rarely is it encouraging us. Let's find out how can we get a shift in perspective.

Transcript

It is what we're thinking about and what we're thinking about is evolved communication.

Hello and welcome to the Mile High Church podcast.

This is the place where we connect and converse to explore communication in our relationships,

Our social world,

Inner development and spirituality.

Today we open our hearts and we get real.

My name is Dr.

Barry Ebert.

I'm one of the associate ministers at Mile High Church,

Been the youth director for many years and it's a real honor for me to be hosting this podcast,

Bringing different folks in to talk about evolved communication and how we can do a better job of talking to ourselves,

Talking to each other and talking to people in the world.

So in this episode we're going to be talking a little bit about our inner critic,

That voice that we have inside our head.

We're all familiar with it.

It can be scolding us.

Very rarely is it encouraging us,

But it's something that we got to come to grips with and make friends with.

My special guest today is Reverend Kay Johnson,

Who's part of our healing ministry and works with a whole bunch of people and so she's very familiar with the inner critic and how it can get in the way of our healing.

So Kay,

Welcome.

So glad that you're here with us today and what are your thoughts just about the inner critic and making friends with it?

Well,

It's for sure true that evolved communication on any level is going to start with what we're saying to ourselves.

And unless you've really thought about that inner critic voice,

It just feels like it's always there and that it can come up with so many things and that it's not something that we actually have control over except we do.

And so if you think about it,

What might be the notice that this inner critic gives to you very frequently?

So for example,

The idea that,

Boy,

You really made a fool of yourself in that meeting.

You shouldn't have spoken up.

That just didn't work.

Or things like,

Never really quite be able to be as good as your sister.

Or things that happened way in the past can be remembered by this inner critic.

And so it's just something for us to become aware of and to notice.

And when we can notice it,

Then we actually can be at choice.

So the first thing is to pay attention to what that voice is saying to us.

And I think that sometimes it comes from things that happened to us in childhood or the way that we were perhaps disciplined by our parents.

Often it was them pointing out what was wrong in order for us to learn to do the opposite,

Which would then be right.

And so that surely must be part of what you've done,

Barry,

With all the parenting workshops that you've done.

Is that part of where this comes from?

Well,

I think the style of what you would call negative reinforcement,

Right?

That our parents would tell us when we've done something wrong to encourage us to do it in a different way,

Like you pointed out.

But we carry those messages with us,

Like,

Now look what happened.

Now look what you've done.

And then when we make mistakes or we perceive that we've done something wrong,

We hear that voice.

We hear the voice of our parents coming through us like,

Here,

You've done it again.

You know,

You knew better than to do this,

But you did this.

And it keeps us from moving forward.

It keeps us from taking chances.

It keeps us from taking risks.

And it keeps us from stepping into the world.

So I think that the inner critic has a limiting value for us.

And we have to be,

As you said,

Aware of it.

And then we have to change that conversation.

We have to step into it and use our conscious mind to move in the direction we want to go.

Yeah,

So true.

And the reason that it seems hard is because we're really hardwired for the negativity.

And it's a survival thing.

I mean,

We've,

You know,

Millennial,

We have been,

For millennium,

We have been trained to be survivors.

And the ones who survived are the ones that we all inherited.

And we are from that line.

And so the negative is so easy.

Actually a therapist and author and writer about this kind of thing named Rick Hansen has coined this phrase,

Which is really quite perfect.

He says negativity for the mind is like Velcro.

And the positive experience like Teflon just rolls off.

And the other one just stays with us,

Which is kind of an interesting way to think about it.

So I think the first step is to become aware.

And one of the things that we often do in the classes that we teach in the healing ministry is to try to get people to become aware of what it is they're thinking.

And the best example of that is to put a sticky note on your bathroom mirror is one of the places.

And when you get up in the morning,

What are you thinking of first thing when you look in the mirror?

I mean,

You're going,

Oh,

Hi,

Darling.

I love you.

Or something else.

You know,

How did I get to be this age?

Oh my goodness,

What happened?

You know,

So to become aware,

And that's one of the great things you can do.

And actually you can take those crazy sticky notes and put one on the fridge,

One on your computer,

And one in the car,

And really start to pay attention to what's happening.

And we even suggest that you start jotting some of those things down in a journal to raise that awareness for sure.

One of the things we want to be able to do is to distance ourselves a bit from that inner critic.

And then when we do that,

Then we have more choice as to how we're going to decide what we're going to be thinking about.

And one of the ways you can distance yourself is something that was suggested by Julia Cameron,

Who wrote the wonderful book,

The Artist's Way.

And what she does,

She's an artist,

And she's also a writer,

And she was very familiar with her inner critic.

And finally,

She decided,

You know,

I am going to make,

I'm going to create a name for this critic,

And a persona.

And so she did.

And so the name she created was Nigel.

So Nigel was a British interior designer for whom nothing was good enough.

And so whenever,

And so Nigel would,

You know,

Be critical of her.

And when she would recognize that the inner critic was really going to town,

She would say to herself,

Ah,

Nigel is here.

How interesting.

Hello,

Nigel.

Yes,

I hear you,

But we're moving ahead here.

So you don't want that inner critic driving the car.

It's sort of like a person who sits in the backseat and is always telling you how to drive.

We've all had that experience.

You want to keep that person in the backseat.

They're not going to be the driver.

So I decided that I would create a persona myself for my particular inner critic,

Who is fond of saying,

You know,

Deep down,

You really don't quite have what it takes.

Really not quite good enough.

And that's kind of an underlying belief that,

You know,

A very limiting belief that many of us have.

We've had experiences that have made us feel like we're not quite enough.

And then that's something we can carry forward very easily.

And it'll pop up whenever we make a mistake.

Whenever we do something that we really did not intend to do.

And so that can certainly come up there.

So I decided to design my own persona.

And so for me,

It was a Midwestern,

Sturdy woman of an age,

Never married,

So she had plenty of time to point out what was wrong.

And I call her nagging Nellie.

I guess it starts with an N still,

Just like Nigel,

But that must be a coincidence.

Anyway,

And I see her,

I visualize her hanging up wet laundry outside with old-fashioned clothespins and even the huge wet sheets.

And do you know how heavy wet sheets are?

I mean,

They really are heavy.

And but she is tough.

But you know,

I decided I could befriend her as well.

So I threw her a boa,

Thinking,

You know,

Just lighten up a little bit,

Nellie,

And just stay in your spot.

So Barry,

I'm going to tell everybody that you wrote that song that we play at the beginning of this podcast,

Which I love.

It's always been one of my favorites.

So what about you as an artist,

Starting on a creative project?

What about your inner critic?

Well,

I think a lot of it has to do with interrupting our patterns of negative thinking,

Because we kind of go down roads.

And this is part of the thing that you're referring to,

Too.

We kind of get into a loop of negative thinking,

Which keeps us from moving forward.

And one of the things as a writer,

You know,

Whether I'm writing columns for a magazine,

I'm writing songs,

Is you've got to start with a sloppy copy.

You've got to start with something that's not that great.

But you're sitting down and you're doing it.

And then you're going to edit it and you're going to make it better.

But if your inner critic keeps you from starting,

That's the thing that you have to be aware of,

Right?

When you're going back and editing,

That's a different thing.

But you've got to get yourself started.

And you've also got to work on your inspiration and have the courage to just keep going.

And your critic who's holding you back,

You have to not allow it to interrupt your patterns.

You know,

That great book,

The War of Art,

Is about resistance,

Right?

Steven Pressfield.

It's about resistance and all the thing that keeps you from doing your work as an artist.

And I think that that's the thing that's been important to me is just realizing this is just resistance.

My mind's just making this up to keep me from getting to work and doing the work that I want to do.

Sit down and do it.

And I think interrupting our patterns of negativity,

Interrupting that critic that's coming to you and you know,

You've got an idea and you're starting to work on it.

And then that you can hear that critic,

That negative nelly coming in and going,

You're not going to get that done.

You don't have time to do that.

You've got to interrupt that pattern of thinking and put yourself in the direction that you want to go.

And I think part of what we're talking about here is the executive functioning of our conscious mind is stronger than that.

If we use it,

If we use it and we need to be conscious of it and move forward with it.

You know,

And you deal with a lot of people who are dealing with anxiety because information that they've taken in from outside and you're trying to connect people with their heart and with their spirit and what they know deeper in themselves about themselves.

And I think that that's why the inner critic is such a crucial thing in your work when you're talking to people about healing.

Don't you think that that's true?

That there's an inner part of them about whether or not they deserve to get better or if they've done something to cause themselves to get sick or there's something inherently flawed about them.

And that pattern of thinking,

Unless they interrupt it and get onto a different wavelength,

Is not going to do them much good.

It'll actually keep you stuck.

That's what the inner critic can do that's so damaging.

It can actually keep you stuck so that you don't want to move or do anything.

And so often,

When the kinds of people that you've described with a diagnosis,

That is a feeling that you can have is that you're very stuck and that you don't know what to do and everything seems incredibly negative.

And so one of the things in a really serious situation like that is to be able to actually enlist some self-compassion.

To be able to,

And I want to make this so okay for everybody,

To say to yourself the way you would speak to a good friend and just say,

You know,

This is hard.

This is really hard.

And let that be okay.

In other words,

Just acknowledging that you're in that spot where things are hard,

They're not going well,

You've done something that you wish you could take back or else you just don't even know how to move forward in this moment.

And the other thing about admitting and being able to say to yourself this is really hard but I'm doing the best I can,

That's the kind of thing you would say to a friend.

You're doing the best you can.

And you know what,

Things will get better.

Things will move ahead.

Those are statements of compassion that we really owe to ourselves.

The other thing that I'd like to just point out to everybody is that,

You know what,

Everybody has stuff like this.

We think some people have it all together and are just operating perfectly.

It's because it sort of feels that way or it seems like that.

And social media,

Frankly,

Can promote that kind of idea.

You see all this great stuff that other people are going and doing and then you think,

Hmm,

Where am I in this?

But the truth is everybody has this stuff going on.

Everybody and that really makes us part of this being human.

And again,

When you can just take that kind of attitude,

You go,

Okay,

I get it.

This is part of me,

This voice,

But it's not all of me.

It's not even the best of me at all.

Well,

I think you bring up a good point about,

You know,

In modern life we have access to so much outside information that's coming at us of what other people are doing.

You know,

We go through these political cycles where there is so much anxiety that's projected on us because of all the conflict and we're taking that on and that's working on us as well and all this inside information.

I think we have to balance that with just being able to be with ourselves and to be conscious of our own thoughts and what is it that we're really firing at?

What am I firing on today?

If I've kind of got the blues about something,

To just be able to sit down and go,

What is it,

What is it that I'm really following the threat of my thinking that's causing me to feel so anxious or to feel so down or so separate?

And I think being willing and being able to sit down and look at our thoughts,

Look at what we're thinking about.

That idea that what we're thinking about is really creating the scenes of our life,

Painting the scenes of our lives.

And I got that when I was reading Emerson once and he said,

A person is what they think about all day long.

And by interrupting our patterns and just trying to look at what is it that I'm thinking about now?

And when you're dealing with a diagnosis or you're dealing with something serious in your life,

It can take over your whole thinking and you can miss all the beauty that's around you because you're not looking at it,

Because you're so mired into that negative pattern.

And I think the idea of the inner critic keeps us from experiencing the joy that's available to us.

So often what we're thinking about is either in the past,

What did I do to deserve this?

What did I do to deserve this diagnosis?

Or what did I do that caused this whole thing to fall apart?

Or we're thinking in the future,

Especially about how bad things could get.

And so being in the present,

Which is part of what that acknowledgment is,

Is acknowledging this is how I'm feeling right now.

And that can really stop us.

And then we go,

Wait a minute,

I'm at choice here.

I really am at choice.

Well,

I think the thing that you brought up about things from our past is there are patterns in our thinking as well,

Patterns that take us down certain roads.

And I think that being more conscious allows us to break those patterns and not stay in them for so long.

Because that habitual way of thinking that this always happens to me,

Or whenever I start something this happens.

Whenever I get into a relationship,

This always happens to me.

If we can break those patterns in our thinking and realize I've just bought into this narrative about myself,

It's not necessarily true.

Is this true about me?

I think that's one of the greatest gifts that we have about taking our inner critic on,

But not battling with it.

And I like the thing that you said about befriending it,

Right?

That you've got negative Nellie who's out hanging up the wash and it's like,

That's cool,

That's what you're doing.

And I got my life going on here too.

And we can coexist here.

Come on in.

But I got stuff to do.

And I really like that about befriending your inner critic.

Yeah,

You can ask yourself some pretty significant questions like,

Is this true?

What I'm saying,

Is this true?

Is it inspiring?

Because if it isn't inspiring,

How long do I want to stay here?

Is it necessary?

Do I really need to say this?

And then what could I say that would be kind?

I mean,

I don't even think we were ever taught to think kindly about ourselves.

And yet that's really the basis of the self-compassion is to give yourself the opportunity to think kindly,

To speak kindly to yourself in the face of that inner critic.

Well,

I think that's great because it brings us back to where you started about the thing about negative reinforcement as a child,

That a lot of us grew up with negative reinforcement.

Our parents really tried to scold us and put us down when we made mistakes as a way of inspiring us to do it differently.

But it doesn't necessarily work that way.

And when we carry those patterns with us,

We have a tendency to beat ourselves up in the same way.

No one is tougher on us than we are on ourselves.

We might criticize other people,

But our greatest criticism comes towards ourselves.

So the thing that you talked about,

Compassion,

Of having compassion in our communication with ourselves is really where having a higher level of communication really begins,

Of being able to be kinder with ourselves as we go through our days.

I know that you have a process that you'd like to do with us here,

Which might be a great way to get us going on the right track.

So I want you to get into that and also kind of explain to us where we're headed.

You bet.

So yeah,

Let's do a little short process here where we just take a little break from whatever is going on and deal with this inner critic.

So just to become present,

And if you're in a place where you can close your eyes,

Certainly do that,

But if you're driving or walking,

It doesn't matter.

You can leave your eyes open for this one.

So bring to mind a time when you have had something that's really distressed you,

Or maybe you're worried about something right now.

Maybe you're stressed about something right now,

Worried about an argument you had with a family member or something that isn't going well that you're worried about,

Some issue like that.

And then bring into your mind,

As you think about what those words are,

Let those,

Just bring your attention to that.

What is that critic warning you about?

What is that inner voice,

You know,

Keep harping on?

Who did this?

Who didn't do the right thing?

Who,

What happened?

Who said something?

Who didn't say something?

Whatever those things might be,

Just give it a little moment of silence to bring all that into your mind.

So then as you're reviewing that,

Let's make,

Let's give that voice a name.

Just whatever pops into your mind first.

Let's make that a persona with a name like we did,

Like I explained earlier for myself and for Julia Cameron.

And then start to imagine what that person might be like.

What they might look like,

What they might be doing.

You know,

Is that the person in the backseat of the car that's always nagging?

Or something else.

It doesn't even have to be a person actually.

It could be a cartoon character.

So now that you have a name and a persona,

Hopefully,

And again,

I would suggest that you jot this down somewhere just for the fun of it and maybe expand it a bit.

You know,

What are they doing and so forth.

And you might also throw a little something,

Throw a little bonus to that inner critic because you know the truth is they're trying to keep you safe.

They're trying to keep you from going against the goals that you've set.

They don't want you to fail.

It's interesting to look at it that way.

So if it's that person in the backseat,

You know,

Maybe you should need to throw them a couple of cookies.

Like I threw the boa to nagging Nellie.

We're together.

We're always going to be together.

But you are not going to drive the car.

And so let's just move into some self compassion at the same time.

And so I would invite you to just take in these words as blessings upon yourself.

This might be hard,

But I'm doing the best I can.

I know deep down that things will get better.

Things will improve.

And I know that I can have,

I can be happy.

That I can be blessed.

That I am certainly one with the universe,

One with all of humankind.

And each one of us is a divine child of God.

And for that reason,

I am blessed.

I am happy.

I am held.

And all is well.

And so it is.

Thank you.

Thank you,

Kay.

So thanks for being with us today and appreciate all your insights and the inner critic.

And everybody listening,

I hope you gain some new insights about your new inner world and be sure to subscribe to our podcast and tune us in again.

And if you'd like to learn more about our Evolve Communication Initiative at Mile High Church,

Visit milehighchurch.

Org.

Thanks for being with us today.

Peace.

Reviews

Very helpful guide to deal with your inner critic. Thank you.

This was great. I recently started IFS therapy, and this is a great way to work with my inner critic.
Thank you.
Namaste 🙏

Rev. Kay and Dr. Barry, this is a great reminder of how negative inner-chatter can cascade through the mind relentlessly, quietly, and loudly. Thank you for the awareness of why it is there, the many ways it shows up, and how we can deal with it.