Why Codependency Is Controlling & How To Heal It

Codependency is one of my favorite topics to talk about, and in this Talk, I’m giving you five simple steps for what to do next when you find yourself asking, “I’m codependent. Now what?”

Listen to discover: 1. How we improve our relationships with others when we’re codependent, 2. Why this is different than intentional or abusive control, 3. Five steps to break the pattern of codependency, 4. Why realizing you’re codependent isn’t a bad thing

Transcript

Hello to all of my Insight Timer friends.

My name is Michele Chalfant and I'm delighted that you're here with me today.

Welcome to my latest talk.

And as always,

After the show,

I love to hear your comments.

So make sure you leave a comment so I know how you liked it.

We'll talk soon.

And here we go with the latest episode.

Okay.

So here we go with today's show.

So this was inspired by a man and we're going to call him Matt.

So Matt wrote in and asked me,

He says,

I love to hear a podcast on how to deal with a hurt and pain we as codependents and love addicts have caused our partners.

And I said,

Ooh,

That's a juicy question.

I liked it right away.

And I said,

Can you share more with me?

Tell me a little bit more about what you mean.

He said this,

I have,

I have used cooking and housework as a way to hold my place in the relationship,

But I saw it as being a good husband.

Looking back through the lens of codependency and manipulation.

My wife feels tricks where it felt like love and caring before.

Now it feels controlling.

Love addiction and boundary issues have made her feel objectified and used.

So while walking the road of personal recovery,

I'm interested to know more about the work we do with our partners and our families.

I loved this question,

Absolutely loved it.

And I want to start out by talking a little bit about how codependency is manipulative and controlling because it is,

It very much is.

But I also want to add to that.

We're doing it.

We're controlling and being manipulative from an unconscious place.

We're doing it from our adolescent chair,

Which is the seat of the ego.

It's the seat of the unconscious mind,

Meaning we don't know what we're doing.

We're doing it from a program that's been placed in us from probably childhood.

So that we,

We do things when we're codependent,

We are,

We do things in order to make sure that people outside of us stay happy,

Don't get upset with us.

We want to keep other people in peace and calm.

So we betray ourselves.

We change who we are in order to make sure that other people outside of us are happy and peaceful.

That's how it's manipulative and controlling.

I change who I am so that others are okay.

That was one of the first podcasts I think I did.

I'm okay only if you're okay.

So as codependents,

I got to make sure everyone around me is okay.

So with Matt,

He was doing all the cooking,

He was doing housework,

He was doing all of these things.

And he said,

And it looked like he was being a good,

A good husband,

But it was actually probably.

And again,

That was all that I got in his question,

But he says it now feels controlling.

So he was doing things from a codependent lens.

He was doing things,

I'm going to make a guest to keep his wife happy,

To keep his wife staying in love with him.

But again,

We do this from an unconscious perspective.

We're doing it almost like we're asleep is another way of saying that,

But it's unconscious.

But here's the part that got me so excited.

The way that we improve our relationships with friends and family,

If we're the codependent ones,

Is we have to realize that we're being codependent and manipulative with them.

So for Matt,

I read that second part of his message to me.

I was so proud of this guy.

And I was like,

Oh my gosh,

He woke up to it.

He's having realizations that this is how he's been showing up.

So imagine if someone that you know was drinking every single day,

And then they realize,

Oh my God,

I'm an alcoholic.

I didn't even know.

I had no idea.

Yeah,

I realize it.

We don't know until we wake up to things.

It's the same thing.

In fact,

I look at codependency like an addiction.

It's an addiction to make sure that other people around me are happy,

That are okay.

Just make it really simple.

I like simple.

I got to make sure that everyone around me is okay.

I'm addicted to it.

I betray myself.

I lose touch with myself,

With my inner guidance,

Because I'm living so in my unconscious state and my ego,

I'm letting my ego run the show in order to make sure that that person doesn't leave me,

In order to make sure that that person stays in love with me.

And I don't even know what I want.

I don't know what emotions I'm feeling.

I don't know what I need.

So I heard Matt say that he's talking about what he did,

And I was like,

Oh my gosh,

I'm so proud of you.

He was not showing up.

There's a big,

Huge difference,

You guys.

If you show up consciously and you're controlling and you're manipulating somebody,

If you're consciously doing that,

It's like you're plotting it out.

I'm going to do all the cooking in order to make sure my wife loves me.

That's not what he was doing.

He was in a sleep state.

He was in a fog,

Just showing up and doing things from an old program.

When you wake up to that program,

It shatters the program,

And then you can start acting differently.

But what happened was,

It sounds like to me,

Again,

I didn't speak with him about this,

So I'm going to make this up,

That he finally figured out,

Oh my gosh,

I've been doing this from a codependent place,

From a love-addicted place,

And he realizes that there was controlling going on and all of this kind of thing,

And now his wife feels tricked.

But if I had them both in front of me,

I would say,

But wait,

He didn't even know what he was doing before.

It's like being mad at someone that was sleepwalking.

They don't know that they're sleepwalking,

They're sleepwalking.

My son,

Here's a side note,

My older son,

When he was really little,

Used to sleepwalk and he'd pee.

I remember one day he's peed in a cooler that was in my kitchen,

And I was like,

What the heck is he doing?

He didn't know.

So it's like getting mad at someone that's sleepwalking through life.

There's no reason for it.

So if I'm someone,

So today's podcast is dedicated to Matt and all the people that are waking up to the fact that they are living with codependency and they're realizing,

Holy crap,

I manipulate people and I control people.

I sure did.

You can't see me.

I'm holding my hand up.

I did it.

But I didn't know.

I didn't know I was doing that to my kids.

I didn't know I was doing that to my husband and my friends and my family.

I didn't know.

But the moment I woke up to codependency,

I was like,

Uh oh,

I started to become more aware of what I was doing and why I was doing it and when I was doing it and how I was doing things.

That's called living in your adult chair.

When you wake up,

You get conscious,

You become aware and you take ownership.

Okay.

So I've got for you today,

Let me count five things we're going to talk about.

If we are codependent,

Now what?

Like what do we do now?

How do we start to show up differently in life?

How do we change our relationships?

How do we get conscious?

What do we do next?

So if you're sitting in Matt's shoes and you're having this realization like,

Wow,

Okay,

This is what you do.

And again,

If you're realizing that you're codependent,

I am going to sit here,

Hear me clapping.

I'm giving you a round of applause because you,

You realize this is how you've been showing up in life.

Okay.

And you know,

If you know me at all,

I don't blame anybody and I don't judge anybody because we are all going through life.

We're doing the best we can in every single moment.

Even you,

Matt,

Even you.

Okay.

So the number one thing we want to do,

If you have this,

I'm not saying that you have this,

But if you have this and you realize,

Oh God,

I'm codependent.

Let go of the shame,

Blame,

And self judgment around it.

It's so unnecessary because you have to remember you were sitting in the adolescent chair,

The seat of the unconscious mind,

And you were,

It's also the seat of the survivor.

So you were surviving.

It's like getting upset with yourself because you were a control freak and you didn't even know.

And then you go,

Oh my gosh,

I've been such a control freak.

I had no idea.

But yet you're blaming yourself for the last 20 years that you are a control freak.

Let me ask you a question.

If you're stuck in blame and shame about your past,

How's that working?

I'm being dead serious.

And I say this to my clients,

How is that working for you?

Does it help you even a little bit?

How?

There's absolutely nothing good about hanging onto that and dragging it around with you.

You know my analogy of the dragging around the cement suitcase.

It's pretty heavy to drag around a cement suitcase,

Right?

That's the shame and blame and judgment that you drag around behind you.

By the way,

You drag around behind you.

No one's forcing you.

Drop the handle of the suitcase.

Let it go.

It does nothing for you.

Once you've had the awareness,

Wow,

I'm living with codependency.

Wow,

I'm showing up in relationships kind of in an unhealthy way.

Okay,

Now what?

What's the next thing you're going to do?

Here's what you're going to do.

Number two,

Own it.

Own it.

Instead of sitting in shame or blame and judgment,

Own it.

And you say,

Yeah,

Holy crap,

I've been doing this.

Who knew?

Now I know.

Now I know.

Wow,

I've been really controlling with people because I realized I was trying to keep everybody happy around me.

No wonder I'm so exhausted.

No wonder.

Gosh,

I was so manipulative with my kids.

I can't believe it.

Great.

Own it and move on.

Move on.

Acknowledge it.

Wow.

Okay.

I've been doing this.

People ask me,

Should I apologize?

Do you think I should apologize myself?

If you've done something intentional,

Please do apologize.

Own it with apology.

But it's like,

Oh my gosh,

I didn't even know.

No.

You could say something like this,

Like,

Gosh,

If I've hurt you in any way,

I am so sorry,

But I honestly didn't know.

But I know now,

And I'm going to make better choices for myself moving forward.

That's what a healthy adult would do.

That's what you do from your adult chair.

You own it.

Apologize if you need to.

Now,

I just want to caution you,

Because when we're codependent,

We have a tendency to over-apologize.

Please don't do that.

Really be mindful of when you apologize.

Did you really do something hurtful?

Before you apologize next time,

I want you to pause and check with yourself.

Because we're not great at that when we're codependent.

We more are connected to other people than ourselves.

Part of the healing of codependency is to tune inward.

Tune inward.

Connect to yourself.

How do I feel?

What emotions are coming up?

Do I need to apologize?

Have I really done something wrong?

No.

You haven't.

Okay.

Let it go then.

Move on.

You know,

When I'm thinking about Matt doing all these things for his wife,

That's exactly what I would do if I were him.

I'd say,

Honey,

I had no idea I was showing up this way.

And I'm going to show up differently.

I didn't even know.

If I've ever hurt you,

I'm sorry,

But I'm moving on.

Don't over-apologize.

Don't apologize every day.

Let it,

You know,

You want other people around you to let it go.

You got to let it go.

The world is reflecting what's going on inside of you.

So if you're walking around with all this guilt and shame and you can't move on,

Other people cannot move on either.

So please let it go.

We do things unconscious.

My husband did this.

You know,

He knows that I hate doing laundry.

Some people love laundry.

Most people don't.

And he,

All of a sudden,

When we moved to North Carolina,

He started doing all the laundry and he's going out grocery shopping.

And now granted we were in COVID,

But still he was,

And I said to him,

Wow,

You know,

You're doing a lot around the house here.

I said,

What are you doing?

And he goes,

Well,

Whenever you do laundry,

You get like annoyed by it.

You always have a comment.

Well,

Hello.

I have a comment about everything.

I have no problem talking and I express how I feel,

But it doesn't mean I'm going to be in this awful,

Terrible mood.

It just means I don't,

I'm like,

Oh,

I got it.

I would say something like this,

Like,

Oh,

I got to go do laundry.

I'm going to go do that right now.

And so,

But he was doing it all.

I said,

What are you doing?

And he goes,

Well,

You don't like it.

You get frustrated.

I said,

And so,

And he said,

Oh,

Well,

I just was trying to help you so you didn't feel frustrated.

And I said,

I just want to tell you that's codependent.

You don't have to manage my emotions.

When we're codependent,

We manage,

We do things in order to manage other people's emotions.

And that is not healthy.

So I just brought it to his awareness.

Now,

Just like Matt,

My husband didn't even know.

He goes,

Oh,

Wow,

I didn't even know.

And I said,

Yeah.

So if you want to keep doing laundry,

That's fine.

But don't do it because you're trying to manage my emotions.

Just do it because you don't really care about it.

And he goes,

Well,

I really don't care about doing laundry.

I said,

Well,

Then you,

My friend,

Can have at it because I can't stand it.

So there it is.

So he didn't even know what he was doing.

He was trying to manage my emotions.

I said,

Do not do that.

And it was over,

Moving on.

Number three,

It's really important when we are working our way out of codependency to find what I call a touchstone for truth.

That's a person.

Who is your fact checker for you?

Who's your touchstone for truth?

Because when we are living with codependency,

We don't live with truth or a solid reality oftentimes.

We're lost in our program that says,

But I have to make so-and-so happy.

I have to make you happy.

I got to make sure that you're going to stay with me and you love me.

So we act from a place of controlling or manipulation instead of,

I don't feel like doing your laundry.

I'm not going to do it.

And I don't really care that you're going to say that you're frustrated about it and you're annoyed by it.

So we need someone that can fact check us.

So for me,

When I was going through my healing with codependency,

And now for some people,

They love codependency groups.

If that's you,

Go for it.

I don't really care how you do this,

But find somebody.

I had a therapist,

I had a friend,

And I had a friend that was also a therapist.

So I would call them or text them and say,

Hey,

I just did this with my kids.

Is that codependent or caring?

That was my question I would ask people because our reality is a little distorted and I couldn't tell.

I lived half of my life as a codependent,

Probably two thirds of my life.

So it's like,

That's my reality.

And I think everything is caring.

And then I realized,

Oh,

Crap,

Some things are caring I'm doing,

And some things are wildly codependent.

So I would have,

I asked,

I invited my friends to please in a very loving way,

Check me.

So I had some touchstones around me,

People,

That could provide me with truth and a new reality.

I would even ask my kids,

I explained to my kids,

Probably when they were in middle school and high school,

I was like,

Hey,

This is what codependency is.

And I said,

I need you to tell me if I'm being codependent or caring.

Now sometimes they would actually,

I'm going to say,

Manipulate me when I would say,

I was going to put gas in your car.

They'd say,

Oh,

That's so caring,

Mom.

I'm like,

That's codependent,

Stop it.

So we would have fun with it.

But you need to find somebody that's a touchstone for truth.

And find,

Even if it's one person,

You don't need tons.

But if you can find one or two people,

There you go.

And by the way,

Our adult chair coaches are phenomenal with this.

They would be able to help you with your reality.

OK,

Number four,

Remember that self-care is not selfish.

That's a hard one for codependency.

We really do feel like,

Oh my gosh,

I feel selfish if I put myself first.

No,

It's not.

And it's a hard one.

This is why,

Again,

A coach would be so helpful for you if you're having a really hard time with this.

Because again,

That's that reality,

Like,

Well,

Wait a minute.

But if I take a break in the middle of the day,

Then what if my kids need me?

It's like,

And what if they do?

Go take a bath.

Go read your book.

You have to recharge yourself.

That's why so many codependents are exhausted.

I'm so exhausted.

Because our energy is going out to other all day,

Every single day.

We're worried about other,

Want to make sure other outside of us is happy.

So what we want to do instead is bring it on home,

Back to self,

Check in with yourself first,

And then go to other.

But you've got to stay connected to yourself.

You have to stay connected to yourself.

And we don't do that well.

So really practice self-care.

Do you want to go sit outside for a few minutes?

Do you want to go have lunch?

Do you want to go get your nails done?

Do you want to take a bath?

What do you want to do that feels good for you?

And when I work with codependents,

I'll tell you what,

A lot of them look at me like I have four heads when I ask them that question.

They're like,

Well,

What do you mean?

What do I want to do?

Yeah,

Get to know your needs.

Oh,

I don't have needs.

I love when people say that to me.

I'm like,

We're going to start learning your needs right now.

Everybody has needs.

And that's another time when we can do inner child work.

That's where the source of our needs comes from,

Is that little beautiful inner child that we all have.

However,

We get disconnected from that part of us when we're codependent.

The inner child,

Remember,

Is also responsible for our emotions.

So doing inner child work is really phenomenal when we are learning about self-care.

And by the way,

The other thing that the inner child does is they have fun.

This is where fun comes from,

A thing that codependents aren't great at either.

We're not quite sure because we're so focused on making sure our partner,

Our children,

Our friends,

Our family,

Are they all having fun?

And then by the time it's,

It could be time for us to have fun.

We're so tired,

We just want to take a nap.

So inner child work.

Or just get in touch with,

Start really learning how to drop deep inside of yourself and learning,

What do I need?

Ask yourself that question every day.

And then,

Of course,

What do I feel?

I don't know is the thing that most people say to me in the beginning.

But the more you practice,

The better you get at this.

So start pausing in the middle of the day and just check in.

You guys,

It takes like a minute.

Ask yourself,

What do you feel?

Which means what emotions are coming up inside of you.

Just do a feeling check.

And then,

Gosh,

Do I need something right now?

What do I need?

It takes a minute.

If you don't have a minute,

That's a problem.

All right,

Number five.

Here's the last one.

Boundaries.

Boundaries.

So when we're healing from codependency and we've got the family members,

Guess what?

They may not like this in the beginning.

People are like,

What do you mean you can't?

They'd say that to me.

I'm like,

Yeah,

I am not able to do that for you right now.

What?

You always do that for me.

Well,

Not anymore.

That's hard.

But boundaries,

For people that are codependent,

It's like a foreign language in the beginning.

Like,

You want me to what?

I don't know how to speak that language called boundaries.

Because we as codependents,

We have open boundaries.

Either there are no boundaries or there are big holes in our boundaries.

So when we put others first and we allow others to walk on us,

It's just how we were raised.

It's just part of that program.

But it doesn't mean we can't change starting today.

So the more you know what's going on with your needs and what feelings you're feeling on the inside,

Your emotional state,

Then guess what?

You're going to start to also notice,

Ooh,

That doesn't feel good when so-and-so said that to me.

When so-and-so treated me like that,

Ooh,

I don't like that.

That didn't feel very good.

So you may not know in the beginning what to say,

But you're going to start learning,

I just feel like saying the word no.

I just feel like saying no,

Thank you.

And I've done many a podcast also on boundaries.

So again,

If you go to theadultchair.

Com in the search bar,

Put in the word boundary and you'll hear all those podcasts.

Let's see.

So that's about all I've got as far as the five steps to really,

This is about working with yourself so then you can show up better with people around you in your family,

In your friendships,

Okay?

Remember the key here is,

This is the biggest takeaway of all.

If you've woken up to codependency and realize this is how you have been living,

Please be proud of yourself.

Good for you.

You want to stay present?

Do not go in that past.

Look at where you're going.

I,

You know,

I did a whole podcast on actually the joy in codependency because you know what?

You get to start over today.

I call it building your act two.

Act one is over.

What's your act two going to look like?

You get to craft it.

Get in your adult chair,

Get conscious and craft the second part of your life.

And that includes healing this codependency and that's going to mean you show up healthier and guess what?

Your relationships start improving.

And I say that to Matt as well.

Show up consciously.

Start speaking up for yourself.

Feel those emotions.

Get in touch with your true needs.

Own your reality.

So waking up and owning how you've been living is the first step.

Once that's been done,

Move on.

The world is going to look differently to you and everyone in it.

Do not feel shame about your past.

You can choose to feel awakened and invigorated by your new knowledge,

But it's a choice and only you can make it.

And if I were you,

If I were you,

As someone that also is healing forever from codependency,

I would choose the latter.

Get out of the shame,

But it's a choice.

You can drag your cement suitcase around,

Which is very heavy and hurts your arm or choose the latter.

So I hope you choose the one that makes you feel good because let me tell you,

My friends,

You deserve it.

Thank you so much for joining me today.

I wish you a beautiful week and I'll see you next week for the next show.

Reviews

Michelle. I am finding your podcasts so helpful for me. My gosh. Thank you.

It's a great talk. I love your podcasts and how freely you feel when talking. It's really inspiring stuff! Cheers!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I get it now!
❤️🙏

Thanks so much Michelle

always great info and i super appreciate how you always remind me not to beat myself up. and how important just the awareness is 🙏❤️

Oh my, I think I am doing better and then I hear your talk & realize I am still working on skills! Thanks Michelle

I’ve come a long way but there’s still work to do! 💜

Very informative, and definitely something I need to work on!!
Thank you🙏🙏🙏

Such great information, thank you!

Truth bombs and Awareness Rising here! Thank YOU!

I really liked your talk! I am also in act 2 😅...and still practising to put myself first. Thank you, Michelle! 💖💞🙏