Three Strategies To Improve Your Relationship

In this episode, I share the three strategies you can use to improve your relationship:
1- Self-reflection and ownership
2- Healthy communication
3- Effective repair strategies

I also include actionable tips centered on understanding yourself better to improve the dynamics of your interactions with others.

Listen to discover:
-The importance of self-awareness in relationships
-How your childhood impacts your relationships
-The power of direct questions in communication
-Techniques for expressing needs and wants effectively to partners
-What “stonewalling” is and how it affects your relationships
-How to manage your and your partner’s emotional needs

Transcript

Hi,

I'm Michelle Chalfant,

Psychotherapist,

Holistic life coach,

And human,

Just like you,

Learning to navigate life's challenges.

With over 25 years experience,

I teach people how to get healthy using the adult chair model.

The adult chair model is where simple psychology meets grounded spirituality,

And it teaches us how to become healthy adults.

From anxiety and depression to codependency and relationship issues,

You can use the adult chair for just about anything.

Each week,

I share practical tips,

Tools,

And advice from myself and a wide range of experts on how to get unstuck,

How to live authentically,

And how to truly love yourself,

All while sitting in your adult chair.

Welcome to the adult chair podcast.

Hello,

Everybody,

And welcome to the adult chair podcast.

I am Michelle Chalfant,

As always,

Delighted to be here with you today.

I'm having so much fun being back,

Got to tell you.

The three months sabbatical was perfect,

But I'm glad to be back with you guys.

So I've got a really good show for you all today.

I am going to be sharing with you three things that you can do right now to improve your relationship.

So this was inspired,

Actually,

By a friend of mine.

He and I were chatting,

And he said,

I need some relationship advice.

Can you help me?

And I said,

I love talking about relationships.

Let's go.

What do you want to know?

And he said,

I just need some help.

I don't know what's going on.

Things are not going well,

And we've got this issue and that issue.

I need some help.

I said,

Listen,

I'm going to give you three things you can do right now to start improving your relationship.

And when I said it out loud,

I thought,

Ding,

Ding,

Ding,

This needs to be a podcast.

So I came home and I wrote my notes down,

And I said,

I know exactly what I'm going to talk about on the podcast today.

Three things to do to improve your relationship.

Here we go.

So it was interesting when I spoke with my friend,

And by the way,

He was chatting with me about his primary partnership,

But you can apply these three things to anybody.

I don't care if you want to improve relationship with your parent,

With a friend,

With a sibling,

With a coworker,

It doesn't matter to me.

These are three things,

Though,

Specifically I was speaking to my friend about for his primary partnership,

Okay?

So here we go.

So the first thing you want to be aware of,

Even when I say this,

How do I improve my relationship?

You know,

Over the years when I had a private practice,

People would say to me,

What do I need to do to fix my partner,

To fix my husband,

To fix my girlfriend,

Whatever it might be?

So right there,

We need to just pause and say,

No,

That's not where we're going today.

That's not the answer.

The way to improve any relationship is to look in the mirror and actually look at yourself,

Okay?

What we want to do is start to pay attention to what,

You know,

So ask yourself this question,

What am I bringing into the relationship?

What part do I have in this relationship?

How am I showing up?

How am I reacting when my partner doesn't seem right,

Feels sort of emotionally off when they do this or that?

What's coming up inside of me?

So much of what is happening in our relationship has to do with us.

And it's really beautiful because our relationships serve as a mirror for who we are.

It serves as a mirror for who we are,

Meaning what are my internal beliefs?

And another word for that is programs,

Like how am I programmed?

If you think about your computer,

Your phone,

Whatever,

We've got all these programs on there.

Humans have the same thing.

We are programmed in a way to show up as adults based on programs from our past.

These programs or limiting beliefs were planted typically from the age of zero to six years old.

So yes,

We are existing as adults based on programs or roadmaps,

Whatever word you want to use,

Based on something that was plugged into us zero to six years old.

So imagine that.

And it's a long,

Long,

Long time ago.

So one of the ways that we improve our relationships is we start looking at what programs am I navigating off of?

How am I navigating this relationship?

What is my part in this?

And one of the greatest questions that you can ask yourself is,

Instead of why is this happening to me?

We ask the question,

Why is this happening for me?

That question,

We're changing one word right in the middle.

And it takes us out of victim state and puts us into an empowered state.

So if you say it out loud right now,

Feel the energy around,

Why is this happening to me?

It's like someone out there is making something happen to me.

Again,

That is more of this victim energy and it feels bad.

If you say it out loud and really feel the energy or the emotions in your body,

It doesn't feel good to even say that because it makes us feel smaller,

Feel less than versus why is this happening for me?

All of a sudden I can even feel it as I'm saying it right now,

Like the energy comes up through me,

Right up through my core,

Out over my shoulders,

And I feel like I want to stand up even taller.

Why is this happening for me?

This is this empowered question where when I look at the relationship and I look at what's going on,

I tune into what the heck,

Give me any circumstance that happens in your relationship and ask that question,

Why is this happening?

Why could this be happening for me?

Get curious about it.

So this relationship will start showing you a lot about who you are and your programs.

It's amazing.

Relationships serve as the greatest growth opportunity for us.

If we're willing to take a look under the hood,

Like what is going on with these programs?

What beliefs are coming up for me that I need to discover because my partner is doing this,

That,

Or the other thing and it's making me feel X,

That's what we want to take a look at.

So something happens out here,

I'm going to use the word partner,

But again,

Plug it into anyone in your life,

But with my partner,

With my husband,

With my wife,

With my whomever,

Something happens out here.

And then I ask myself,

Huh,

I wonder why this is happening for me.

And then you can go deeper on that.

What is coming up?

What emotion is coming up?

How does this make me feel?

Start asking yourself some questions around what's going on out there.

And you'll notice,

Wow,

It's making me feel what?

Maybe it makes you feel less than.

Maybe it makes you feel like you're not wanted.

Maybe it makes you feel like a statement.

I am bad.

I am not worthy.

I don't matter.

I'm unlovable,

All of these things.

But you've got to dig deeper into what is coming up for you based on these outside circumstances.

And once we get to that root,

Bam,

That's when everything happens.

When you start feeling into those emotions and those programs,

Which are the beliefs,

Woo,

Everything starts to loosen.

And then you can ask yourself,

Hold on a second.

Is that still true for me today?

Is it still true that I am unwanted?

Is it still true that I'm unlovable?

Is it still true?

No,

It's not.

Because you know what?

I have a best friend that loves me,

Or I have a sister that loves me,

Or my mother loves me,

Or my father treats me like gold.

So this belief that I'm living with isn't true anymore.

And then you can go into doing some dismantling of these core beliefs that you have.

But you first have to identify what they are.

And the best way to do that is to look in the mirror,

Start asking yourself,

What the heck is going on here?

Why would this be happening for me?

What are these beliefs under the hood?

Okay,

Number two.

So that's the first thing.

Ask yourself that question,

And by asking yourself that question,

It raises your awareness around yourself.

We've got to get clear about what wounding,

And we've all got it.

I don't care if you're living and breathing and you're a human on this planet.

You have childhood wounding.

We all have it.

Some have more than others.

This wounding is what has created our programming.

You've got to get under the hood of your car and know what's going on under your car hood and know what you're bringing into that relationship.

Okay?

It's got nothing to do with the other person.

It starts with you.

And let me tell you something,

When you look at your stuff,

You change the dance with every relationship in your life,

But primarily,

And most importantly,

Your primary relationship.

The dance that you have been dancing with this person changes.

So maybe you're dancing the waltz,

Now you're going to the jig.

You're changing the dance with your partner when you start changing your internal programming.

All right,

Number two.

This is a big one.

This is what I'm talking about for 20-some years,

Healthy communication.

We must have healthy communication in order to improve or change our relationship.

If I had a dollar for every person that said this to me,

Here it is.

Are you ready?

They should know better not to talk to me like that,

Not to treat me like that.

They should know better.

We've been together for,

Fill in the blank,

Six months,

Six years,

40 years.

I don't care.

This is what people say.

They should know better.

Well,

Here is the truth.

They,

Your person,

Should not know better.

This is what they should know,

Possibly know.

Let's say it like that.

For example,

When I go out to dinner with Graham,

My husband,

I know if we're going out to dinner and he drops me off at the front of the restaurant and I have to go in and he's parking the car,

I'll ask him,

Are you drinking alcohol tonight or no?

And he'll say,

Yes.

I'll go,

Cool.

When I go into the restaurant,

I know to order for him a Malbec that is,

And he also likes Spanish wine and Italian wine.

Great.

I know what he likes.

If he says,

No,

I'm not drinking alcohol.

I know.

He likes an unsweet iced tea with about five lemons and sugar.

I know that.

What I don't know is what's going on within his programming.

I don't know what's going on with him emotionally,

And I don't know what his emotional needs are.

And we've been together 20,

I forget,

Don't tell him I don't know.

Is it 27 years?

I think it's 27 years.

So you would think I know everything about him and I know a lot about him for sure.

He knows a lot about me.

I really don't drink a lot of alcohol,

Hardly ever.

He knows I like a weighted blanket when I sleep,

But otherwise he doesn't know what's going on with me emotionally.

He doesn't know the internal growth that I've done because I work on myself all the time.

He works on himself all the time.

So I can't expect him to show up in a certain way because he's changing all the time.

Please remember this.

We cannot expect our partners to show up as psychics.

You've got to tell them what's going on.

They should not know that if you're quiet,

That you need space unless you've shared that with them.

You have got to make sure that you share with your partner what you need and when you need it.

And it needs to be updated on a regular basis.

So in the beginning of my relationship with my husband,

You know,

If I'm crying,

I don't want hugs.

I still don't want hugs.

But now I've gotten to a place where it's not that I don't like hugs.

I love hugs.

But for whatever reason,

It doesn't matter why,

I don't like hugs while I'm crying.

I don't like them from anybody,

Honestly.

But if I haven't seen you in a long time,

You better believe that I'm going to hug you.

If I haven't seen you in a day,

When I see my sister who lives next door,

I go hug her when I see her.

Love hugs,

But not when I'm crying.

That may change and it's my job to tell him.

So it's our job to speak up for what we need and what we want and stop getting mad if our person is not showing up with what we need and what we want.

We've got to have healthy communication.

The other thing that people have asked me over the years is,

They would come in and say,

Do you think my fill in the blank husband,

Wife,

Girlfriend,

Boyfriend,

Do you think they're mad at me?

This is what's going on.

And they would go and do this long story of,

Well,

This happened over the weekend,

Yada,

Yada,

Yada,

Yada,

Yada.

And then they look at me and go,

Do you think they're mad at me?

A hundred percent of the time I'd look back and go,

I have absolutely no idea.

Why don't you ask them?

Oh,

Well,

I don't want to make them mad again,

Or I don't want to do this or no,

No,

No,

No.

Friends,

Healthy communication means I ask for what's going on.

I ask for information.

Hey,

What's happening?

I noticed that you're quiet today.

Hey,

What's going on with our relationship?

I noticed that we are feeling,

Or we seem a little more separated.

Like I haven't seen you in a long time.

How are you?

What's going on?

Other clients would come in and say,

I think they're mad at me because they've been really quiet over the last couple of days.

They've been really quiet.

So I think that they're mad.

Do you think they're mad,

Michelle?

And I'd always say,

I don't know.

You need to ask.

So healthy communication means I'm going to speak up for myself.

I'm going to speak up for my needs.

If I think there's something going on with you,

I'm going to ask you anything at all.

It's our job to communicate and ask what's going on with our partner.

It's our job to share what's going on with our partner as well.

I mean,

That's,

That's sharing,

You know,

I'm,

I'm going to,

I'm going to communicate with you what's going on with me because I don't want you to think it's you.

That's really healthy,

Honestly.

So make sure that you are communicating with your partner if they're doing something that you don't care for.

It's your job to communicate that and speak up.

Healthy relationships require healthy communication.

It's probably the one of the most important things that we can do.

Okay.

Number three,

Repair.

Here's the thing.

You have to communicate with your partner what repair looks like in your relationship and only the two of you know,

Because the way that you repair with your partner might look different to in another couple,

Right?

So let me explain.

For example,

If I,

Let's just,

I'm going to use myself.

If I am in a bad mood,

Right,

Or I'm kind of quiet or I've been hurt by something or triggered or whatever the heck it is,

I require space for about 30 minutes and then,

And this changes again,

This is my job to communicate with Graham what I need,

But I need space,

Which means I'm going to get quiet and I go internal and then I want to talk about it.

And when I talk about it,

I may talk,

I may cry,

I may yell,

And then I'm over it and I move on.

So that's how I process my emotions or if there's something off with me,

Right?

Graham would like me when he's off and we have talked about this.

This is what I mean by repair,

But I've shared this with him.

I need to be quiet and then I'm going to come talk to you about it.

He's like,

Okay,

Good.

Same with him.

So he does his thing.

He has his way.

He gets quiet.

He doesn't really say much.

He doesn't talk as nearly as much as I do,

But he does,

He gets quiet and then we repair and everything is good.

So you got to sit down with your person and ask each other,

Hey,

When you are off emotionally speaking or when you have an issue going on,

How can I best support you?

How can we repair if we've had an argument together?

How can we come back together?

So here are two things.

Repair means if I'm in a bad mood or I've been triggered,

What do I need,

Okay,

To repair myself?

And then there's how do I repair the relationship?

So Graham and I have also,

So there's two things.

Graham and I have been in a fight,

Right?

Every human fights or disagrees or argues or gets upset with each other.

Not all the time,

But if that happens,

That's pretty healthy and normal.

How do you repair that?

Well,

One of the most important things is to communicate with your partner.

Hey,

I just want you to know,

I'm upset again,

Like I do,

I need space,

But I'll be back with you in an hour or I'll be back with you in 30 minutes.

Repair helps our partner's nervous system to relax and regulate because let me tell you something,

The way that so many of us function when we have been in an argument or if we're in an argument with our partner,

What happens is oftentimes we get thrown into an old program,

Which means,

Think about it,

If our programs were formed around the ages of zero to six,

Somewhere in there,

That means we're reverting into a child part of us and wounded little kid,

And this little kid does not know how to function in a healthy adult relationship.

So that little kid,

The best thing they can do might be to get quiet and not speak.

I used to do that in the beginning with Graham,

I would just get very,

Very quiet.

But you know what that feels like?

And that the term is called stonewalling,

When people just put up this wall.

There's a difference between,

I would actually disassociate when I was in the beginning of our marriage,

Because I didn't know what was going on,

And I get really small,

I felt like a little five-year-old and I would get scared,

Even if he wasn't doing anything that was scary,

But that's my programming.

Other people get upset and they put a wall up in order to protect themselves.

It's not that they're doing it to be mean,

But they're putting a wall up,

This is called stonewalling,

And that person on the other side of the wall,

Holy crap,

Their nervous system is going bonkers,

Because they don't know,

Are you mad at me?

Are you leaving me?

They think abandonment,

They could think you're going to hurt me,

So then they may lash out and get upset and get angry with you,

And there's this whole thing.

This is why you need a repair plan before you have an argument,

And you want to create a repair plan when you are not in an argument,

You want to do it when you're both in a great place,

And this is how it goes down.

Hey,

Babe,

When we get upset or when I get upset,

This is what I need,

So I'm going to need space for about 30 minutes,

And then I will do everything in my power to come to you within an hour and share with you what's going on with me,

Or at least that we're good,

But I do need space for about an hour.

No matter,

I got to tell you,

And sometimes my ego is like,

Don't you dare talk to him,

Why would you do that?

He did this to hurt you,

And I'm like,

I don't think so.

I don't want to talk to him,

But I'm going to force myself just to say,

Hey,

I'm still in a bad place,

I just want you to know I'm here,

I want to be relational with you and share with you,

I'm still not feeling myself,

So I'm just going to be a little quiet for the next hour or so.

Okay,

That settles Graham down.

You want to do that for your partner.

If you're planning on staying with them long term,

This is what healthy people do.

They communicate and they are relational with each other when they are in a bad place,

But you want to come up with that plan before you're in the bad place.

You don't want to stonewall for hours and hours and days on end and weeks on end where you're just not talking to somebody in the same house as you.

That is absolutely traumatizing for the other person.

It's so incredibly hurtful.

It's so hard on the nervous system because,

Gosh,

We think,

Oh my God,

And we're walking on eggshells.

Absolutely not.

That is not healthy.

If you want to be with this person long term,

You've got to come up with a repair plan.

Even if it's just,

Hey,

I'm in a bad place,

Babe,

I'm sorry what you did hurt,

But you know what?

I'm working my way through it.

I'll be back with you later today.

You've got to be willing to sit in whatever's going on with you,

Journal it out,

Call your coach,

Call a therapist,

Call a friend,

Process it,

Whatever you need to do in order to help yourself to work through that.

I'm going to pretty much 98% guarantee this is coming from a program that was placed when you were a very young child in order to protect you in some way,

Shape,

Or form,

And or an old belief is coming up that is creating this need to push that person away because you feel so hurt.

Again,

It goes back to number one,

Why is this happening for me?

Something's coming up.

That's why I always say triggers are my friend or triggers are a gift because when we're triggered,

We are then able to drop in and find what the heck is that root belief.

This is what we want.

Man,

It cleans our slate,

Meaning it's just,

We become cleaner from an emotional perspective and you get triggered less,

You argue far less when you've done your work.

Keep looking at your stuff,

But also do come up with that repair plan.

The other thing we want to do is you don't go to bed angry,

Even if you're still mad at your partner and you have some anger,

Turn to them and say,

I am still angry.

I'm not as angry,

But I want you to know I'm not going anywhere.

I love you.

We're going to be okay.

I just need to process this.

You guys,

This is just called being relational.

Being relational just means I'm just sharing my reality with you.

You're not expected to be perfect by any means,

But in a healthy relationship,

We are relational and we share with each other what's going on so the other person can regulate and they can support us if we need it.

If you need something in order to repair,

Like,

Hey,

I need you to just come and sit with me while I cry,

Then you ask for that.

That goes back to number two,

Which is healthy communication.

These three go together beautifully.

I want to move on to something else when it comes to a repair,

Which is really necessary and very,

Very important,

Which is apologizing.

People get tripped up with apologizing because they think things like,

I didn't mean to,

So why the hell would I apologize?

Well,

You did hurt me,

Even though you didn't mean to,

But you still did hurt me,

So guess what?

You got to apologize.

When an apology,

A healthy apology,

Looks like this or sounds like this,

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry I hurt you,

Even if it was unintentional.

I don't care if it's unintentional.

If you still hurt someone,

We still need to apologize,

And when we apologize,

It's not like this.

It's not like,

Um,

Let me think of a good one,

Oh,

Well,

I'm sorry,

But you really triggered me.

That's not an apology.

When there's a but within an apology,

That's not an apology,

My friends.

That's not an apology.

An apology is just,

I'm sorry,

Or I'm very sorry I hurt you.

I won't let that happen again,

Period,

Drop it,

End of story,

Move on.

That's it.

That's it.

That's it.

That's it,

But take the buts out of it.

An apology means I'm taking ownership of hurting you,

Okay?

I'm taking responsibility for the fact that I've caused you pain,

Even if it was unintentional.

You still take ownership of it.

That's what healthy humans do.

That's what healthy adults do.

Part two of an apology is this,

Saying thank you,

Is just saying thank you.

So if somebody apologizes to you,

We don't respond with,

It's okay,

No big deal,

No,

No,

No.

You say to them,

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

Or just thank you,

And then we move on.

That's the best part of an apology,

Is when it gets cleaned up,

Whatever the mess was,

We clean it up,

And then we want to drop,

I call it dropping the rope and moving on.

It's like,

Then we just move on.

We don't linger in it.

We don't have to talk about it again.

We don't have to go and do all the explanations of why we did what we did.

Again,

We're just apologizing,

Moving on.

Just make it clean.

It's a very,

Very,

Very clean apology.

Okay.

So let's talk about when someone has said,

People have said to me in the past,

Well,

What about if I'm in a relationship with someone that is hurtful,

That is controlling?

People will say,

Well,

I attracted a narcissist.

You're telling me I intentionally did that?

Here's what I want to say to this.

You did not intentionally,

Which means consciously attract that person in,

Not intentionally.

When we have beliefs and programs inside of us,

And we all do in the unconscious mind,

They attract our reality,

Whether we want it or not.

So if you have somebody that is,

Let's say,

Let me think of a good example for you guys.

If you have someone that keeps leaving you,

Or you keep getting broken up with,

Or let's just take someone that keeps getting fired from a job,

Or they keep losing their job.

But again,

Let's go back to partners where they just keep getting left,

Or they can't hold down a long-term relationship.

Instead of looking outside of yourself at the other person,

Look inside again and ask yourself,

What is coming up for me?

What can I learn from this experience?

What belief might I have that is creating this experience?

If you're in the relationship with someone that's very controlling,

What's in it for you?

Because you attracted that person into your reality for a reason.

There's something in you that is rising up or that wants to be known or noticed so that then you can grow from this experience.

So you're in a relationship where you're abandoned or left.

Could it be you have a core belief that says,

I'm not wanted,

I don't matter,

I'm not lovable,

Something like that.

Look at that,

Work on that belief or that program.

Likewise,

If you are somebody that keeps getting into relationships with someone that's very,

Very controlling,

Where's your power?

If we let another person control us,

It's because we don't have our power.

If you have your power and you know who you are,

You have healthy self-worth,

Ain't nobody going to control you.

Just saying.

That's the truth.

Nobody's going to control you.

You're going to look at them and be like,

I don't think so.

No,

No.

So could this person that's controlling you or treating you in this way be showing you that there is a need for more self-worth?

Is there a need for healthier boundaries?

Maybe you need a boundary.

So instead of again,

Looking out there and wanting to blame that person or have that person out there change,

Look in here when it comes to your relationships and ask yourself,

What is coming up for me?

I need to get in touch with that belief,

That program that created that out there.

If I don't want that,

I got to look in here and change what's going on in here.

So here's what's true.

Anyone can learn to have a healthy relationship and I mean anybody.

It just takes one person,

Honestly,

To have a healthy relationship because when you change the dance with this person or when you change,

You change the dance with this person that you are in a relationship with and then the whole relationship starts to change.

So it becomes a domino effect.

So keep looking inside at yourself,

Keep talking about what you need,

What you want,

What you desire,

Healthy communication.

And don't forget,

You've got to come up with a repair plan.

What do you both need in your relationship in order to stay relational and help each other keep your nervous systems in check and in balance?

So I want to share with you guys that this is possible for anybody.

All right.

That is all I've got for you guys today.

Thank you so,

So very much for joining me.

I look forward to hearing how you think about this show,

How the show felt to you.

And I like hearing when you guys start applying these things and when you share how your relationship starts to change because these things today,

Holy smokes,

When you start applying them and really digging deep,

You will start finding your programs instantaneously.

It's pretty crazy.

It's pretty crazy.

All right,

You guys have a beautiful week and I will see you next week seated right here in the adult chair.

Reviews

This was extremely informative. I think it's difficult to look at myself when I've been hurt. I just want to shut people out. I'm going to begin looking at myself and my internal programming more. Thank you for sharing this with me!

Helpful. 🩵

This was so incredibly helpful & insightful! I can't wait to share with my husband. Thank you!! 🙏🏻