Navigating Grief

Grieving the loss of a loved one can shake the foundation of your world, but what if there were practical tools to help you navigate this emotional whirlwind? Today, I dive deep into the emotional rollercoaster of grief, sharing my personal journey after losing my beloved dog, Maya. Whether you're dealing with the loss of a loved one, a pet, or even the bittersweet transition of an empty nest, this episode is packed with compassion, wisdom, and practical tips to help you navigate tough times.

Transcript

Hi,

I'm Michelle Chalfant,

Psychotherapist,

Holistic life coach,

And human,

Just like you,

Learning to navigate life's challenges.

With over 25 years experience,

I teach people how to get healthy using the adult chair model.

The adult chair model is where simple psychology meets grounded spirituality,

And it teaches us how to become healthy adults.

From anxiety and depression to codependency and relationship issues,

You can use the adult chair for just about anything.

Each week,

I share practical tips,

Tools,

And advice from myself and a wide range of experts on how to get unstuck,

How to live authentically,

And how to truly love yourself,

All while sitting in your adult chair.

Welcome to the adult chair podcast.

Hello,

Everybody,

And welcome to the adult chair podcast.

I am Michelle Chalfant,

Delighted to be here with you today.

So today,

I'm going to be talking with you all about grief.

Grief feels like it's up for so many of us right now,

And what I've realized over my entire career is that humans don't navigate grief well.

And not only do we not navigate grief well,

We don't know how to tend to others when they are experiencing grief.

So I'm going to go over both sides of the grief coin today.

I'm going to be talking with you and sharing tips on how you process your own grief and what that journey looks like,

As well as how do you tend to somebody that is experiencing grief.

You know,

I realize right now,

I don't know what's going on.

I don't know if you guys have been experiencing this,

But it seems like everyone I've been talking to recently is telling me,

Oh my gosh,

Did you hear so-and-so passed away,

Or so-and-so had a tragic death,

Or this person is so young and they just passed away.

A lot of people seem to be dying,

And people are asking me questions like,

What do I do for them?

Like,

How do I help them?

Likewise,

This time of year,

August,

Is very difficult for a lot of people because the kiddos are going back to college.

And it's even more difficult,

Not just if your first one's going to college or the second one,

But when the baby's going.

When the last child heads off to college,

It's what we call the empty nest happens.

It's when nobody's home,

The kids are not home,

The house gets quiet.

It's so incredibly hard,

And what I realize is nobody prepares us for this.

As parents,

People say,

Oh,

It's going to be hard.

Well,

Holy moly,

So much grief sets in,

And we are not quite sure how to navigate it.

So I might even do another podcast on just emptiness because it's such a real thing.

And I have a lot of people in my life right now that the tears are a flowing because their babies are going off to college too,

And their nest is going to be very,

Very empty.

And it is really hard.

It can be excruciatingly painful.

So let's talk about it.

So what is grief?

Grief is a deep emotional response to loss.

So grief is an emotion,

But it's an emotion that rises up when we experience some sort of loss.

So let's talk about the different types of loss that could bring up this emotion that we call grief.

The obvious one,

Loss of a loved one.

When someone we love or care about dies or passes away,

It's very,

Very,

Very difficult for us.

So that's one way that we can experience or one type of grief.

Another one is the loss of an animal.

For those of you that know me and follow me on social,

You know that my little precious Maya just died in June.

I had her for 16 years,

My little puppy dog.

She was glue.

I never did a podcast without her.

I never wrote.

I mean,

Literally this dog,

I called her Velcro because she was always on me.

She passed in June.

And it's interesting knowing what I know now about emotions and grief,

And even knowing all the tools within the adult chair,

The way I navigated the loss of Maya was very extremely different than when I lost my first dog,

Which was 20 some years ago,

Right after I'd gotten married,

Completely night and day experience.

And it's because of the tools that we talk about in the adult chair.

So I'm going to share those with you today.

Another form of loss,

And people don't realize that grief rises up oftentimes when,

Of course,

We have lost through divorce.

We have lost through even just a relationship.

If you're dating somebody and that relationship ends,

There's a loss.

So the grief is going to rise up.

Another thing that I'm noticing too with people is,

Especially as I myself continue to age and age,

Is aging and how we physically change as we age.

Some people start getting pain in their knees or their back,

And things that I walked in on my husband today,

He's dying.

He was stretching.

And the joke is that he's like,

No,

No,

I'm not tight in the morning.

I'm like,

You are now,

Honey.

I walked in and he's like doing a big downward dog in the middle of the bedroom.

I'm like,

Well,

I guess you're going to be joining me in the morning stretch now.

But it's hard.

It's honestly hard for some of us to go through the aging process and be like,

Wow,

I'm never going to be like that again.

I'm never going to be like that,

Like I was.

And it's not about honestly what you look like.

A lot of it is just about being able to do the things that you physically used to be able to do.

So it hits all of us in different ways,

Right?

Aging is a tough one.

And just having the loss of youth,

Again,

Like I'm with people now that play a lot of pickleball and I'm watching my kids play that are all in their 20s and my nieces or my nephews.

And I'm watching my husband and my brother-in-laws,

I'm like,

Wow,

They're getting a little bit more winded than these kids in their 20s.

So it just is a natural thing.

We're all going to age.

We're all going to die.

It's happening.

But there's grief.

There can be grief around that.

The loss of a job,

A lot of people don't realize that when we lose a job,

Whether it be that we've left and we want to retire from that job or we are fired from a job,

Whatever it might be,

When we lose a job,

It could be that,

By the way,

We experience grief.

So grief comes up.

It's a very,

Very,

Very natural emotion to have.

And of course,

Like I talked about before,

Empty nest syndrome,

We've got the child going to college and it's so hard on us.

It's so,

So,

So hard on us,

Especially the mamas out there.

And I'm not,

Listen,

Papa Bears,

I'm just saying,

It can be very,

Very hard on you.

I'm not saying it's not as hard for you.

It just feels different.

And again,

Sometimes it's harder for dads too.

But the mamas that I talk to,

They're like,

My husband's navigating this fine.

Or you know what?

Maybe you're not in touch with grief.

I have no idea.

There's no judgment with me ever.

But it's just hard,

Whether you're a mama or a daddy,

It's a hard time when those kids,

Even when the first one,

If you got four more at home,

The first one leaves,

The whole dynamic in the house changes,

Right?

It's just a difficult time.

So how do we take care of ourselves or tend to ourselves when we are in grief?

First of all,

Realize that when you start experiencing these heavy,

Heavy emotions,

These things,

Something's going on inside of you,

You've got to allow yourself,

That is grief,

And you've got to allow yourself to feel.

So that's number one.

You've got to allow yourself to feel the grief.

So many of us don't know how to do that.

As you know,

That's something I talk a lot about on the Adult Share podcast is how do we feel our emotions?

What do we do with all these emotions?

Well,

You've got to feel them.

That means you've got to cry.

You got to talk to somebody,

You got to journal,

You got to punch a pillow,

But some way,

Somehow,

You've got to let the emotions flow through you.

It's so incredibly important to actually let the emotions flow through you.

So what that looks like,

Gosh,

Something we've talked about so many times on the show is how do you feel your emotions?

You may not know that you are in grief,

But you know you're walking around since your kid left with knots in your stomach,

Or since your person passed away,

Or since you lost your job,

Or whatever it might be,

You're walking around with knots in your throat,

Or knots in your stomach,

Or chronic headaches.

These are all signs of grief,

My friends.

So allow yourself to let whatever is coming up in your body to come through.

It might mean that you've got to move your body to get the emotion to rise up a little bit.

But when you start to feel it,

Maybe it's crying,

Maybe it's not.

You may not cry.

Don't suppress it.

Let it come up through you.

If you feel like crying,

Go for it.

Second thing is this,

Seek support.

Seek support.

That means reach out.

If you feel like,

And this always works for me,

I need someone to witness,

Right?

I do better oftentimes.

Crying alone for me or feeling emotions alone,

I can do that.

But if it's something bigger,

Sometimes I just want to share.

Some people like to do that.

Some people don't.

I don't have the right way.

It's my way.

So know what your way is.

So do seek support.

That means lean on your friends,

Lean on your family,

Or you can even go to support groups for comfort and understanding.

And I want to say this,

I love this.

When we're reaching out for support,

I want you to know if you're someone that is experiencing grief,

That other person more than likely does not know what to do for you.

So we need to be able to do what I call set up how we want our witnessing to go down.

So in other words,

If you call a friend and you say,

Hey,

Or your family member,

Whomever,

I need some help.

I'm having a really hard time today.

Can you come over?

Can you listen to me on the phone?

Can you jump on Zoom?

Can you get on FaceTime?

Whatever you need is perfect.

And by the way,

No two people are exactly the same.

So you got to tune into yourself and ask,

What do I need right now as I go through this grief?

So what we want to do is say to that person that says,

Yes,

Of course,

I'll be there for you.

What you want to say to them is this,

Something like this,

And it's based on what you need.

So for me,

I'll say,

Listen,

I'm going to share some things right now,

And I just need you to listen.

You don't need to fix,

You don't need to offer any words at all,

Unless I ask.

But what I would love for you to do is just sit and listen to what I'm going to say right now.

Because I just need,

I just feel like I need to be heard.

I may cry.

And if I cry,

Maybe you want consoling from them.

Maybe you don't.

Again,

Only you need,

Only you know what you need.

So you need to say that to them.

You need to share with that person what you need.

And it's perfect.

And it's perfect.

And by the way,

If they start trying to fix you when you're crying,

You gently say to them,

Hey,

I appreciate it,

But you know what?

I just really,

Really,

Really need you to listen.

There's nothing to fix.

I'm good.

I just need you to listen.

And they'll go,

Okay,

Okay,

Okay.

So grief is tricky,

Not just for when we go through it,

But for others,

Because others want to help us and they don't know what to do.

And many of us are uncomfortable with emotions.

So when another person's feeling emotions,

They jump into fix it mode and we don't want to be doing that.

And we don't,

And we want to set it up if we're the one that's in grief and we can take care of ourselves in that way.

It's a lovely boundary that we put around what we need.

The other thing is practice self-care.

So what does that mean?

That means we're going to make sure that we are eating well,

That we are go for a walk in the woods,

Do some things for yourself that you need.

And again,

Only you know what you need.

Do you need to go to bed a little bit earlier?

Do you need to eat a little healthier because you've been eating a lot of yucky foods and you don't feel good from it?

But I also want to say this on a side note,

When you're going through something really difficult,

Being human,

Sometimes we reach out for something that is not the best food for us.

That's not the best thing to do.

So for example,

When I'm in a place,

My husband will look at me and go,

Is it a pizza kind of night?

I'm like,

It's a pizza kind of night.

We need pizza.

We just placed our aunt in,

Um,

Assisted living is really difficult.

And,

Um,

And my husband said,

I said,

Where are you going tonight for dinner?

Cause I knew it wasn't going to be coming home from my home cooking.

And he said,

No,

No,

No,

No.

I got to go.

I'm going out to get one of my,

Um,

His G he does that fit the Philly cheesesteak steak.

He goes,

It's a Philly cheesesteak night.

I said,

Okay,

Go have fun.

I understand.

So when we're emotional,

Like,

So to consciously say,

I need to do this cause I am flooded with emotion.

I just need to eat something or I need to sit down and plunk down with Netflix and a pint of ice cream.

Totally fine.

So it's not to say don't ever do that.

It's completely fine.

If you're doing that week after week after week,

That's when you want to go,

Huh,

Hold on a second.

I think I'm not practicing the best self-care right now for myself.

I might need to maybe eat something a little healthier because you got to remember your body is feeling all this and your body needs you to get back on track with self-care.

And that might look like taking naps.

It might look like going to get a massage.

It might look like taking a break from work,

Give yourself some time off.

So there's so many different ways that we can practice self-care.

Please practice self-care for yourself.

You have to tend your heart when you are experiencing such deep emotions as grief.

Okay.

Next thing.

Give yourself time.

Again,

Grief is not a linear prep.

It's not a linear timeline.

So it's not like,

Okay,

So today I have my loss and next week it's going to look like this.

And the week after that,

It's going to look like that and dah,

Dah,

Dah,

Dah,

Dah.

Everyone is unique when they go through grief.

You can't compare yourself to anybody.

So you really want to give yourself time and patience as you progress through your grieving process.

There's no rushing.

It's going to unfold naturally and it truly is a process.

So please do give yourself time.

Don't judge yourself.

And if someone else is judging you and it's only been a week or so,

You got to go,

Hey,

You got to give me time.

I am not.

I'm still in it.

So thank you.

But no,

I'm still in it.

The other thing that's really nice is if you've lost somebody or an animal,

You can engage in rituals or memorials,

Which I love.

You can create that as a way to honor the loss of someone and kind of create some sort of closure.

For myself,

Our last lab that we had,

We had his ashes done and we threw his ashes in the lake because my God,

That lab of ours was always swimming in the lake.

And that was Tucker.

I said,

We got to put Tucker right in the water.

So we put him in the lake.

For Maya,

I'm going to put her,

I had her cremated as well,

And I'm actually going to put her next to where I sit right next to the lake because she also loves to go swimming in the lake.

But I also love to sit outside and meditate and I'm putting her right there.

You can do the same thing I love on holidays.

We've had my father is gone,

Graham's father is gone.

My sister's father-in-law is gone.

I mean,

So many men,

These fathers have passed in our family.

So we oftentimes will set an extra place setting at the dinner table for them on Thanksgiving or on Christmas and say,

This place setting is for all the people that we've lost.

My aunt is gone.

There's so many people.

So it's a wonderful way to remember this person that is not with you at the holidays.

Okay.

So let's talk about what are the signs of grief?

Because we know that yes,

It can be emotional,

A hundred percent.

But what I have found in working with clients over all these years is that sometimes people don't even know that they're in grief.

They don't know.

And I'll have to point it out to them like,

Gosh,

I didn't even know that this was a sign of grief.

So it's not just an emotion that you're feeling.

There can be other things.

So well,

Let's first start out with emotions.

So we've got deep sadness,

Crying.

Also with emotions though,

It's not just sadness.

People can be touchy.

They can be angry.

They can be irritable.

They can be numb.

They can feel guilt.

So there's so many emotions that rise up.

So if you're walking around and you're irritable and you're snapping at everybody and you're angry,

Guess what?

It's grief.

It's grief.

So just be aware that these are all emotional signs of grief.

We can be just stuck in anger,

Right?

Just sitting there.

But underneath it all is this deeper sadness that we want to get to.

Also we have physical signs.

So either people want to sleep more or maybe they don't sleep as much at all.

They don't want to sleep.

Headaches,

Changes in appetite or sleep patterns,

Aches and pains.

Yes,

This is very common.

Aches and pains,

These random aches and pains that we might get in our body,

Also a sign of grief.

Now oftentimes aches and pains are linked to the fact that we're not processing our emotions.

The emotions,

They're an energy,

Okay?

Emotions are an energy.

Think about it.

Can you hold it in your hand?

No.

It's an energy.

So emotions are literally processing through and out of our system.

They metabolize through us exactly like food does.

So they energetically though move through us when we tune into them.

So when we're sitting around numb,

When we're sitting around,

Again,

With anger and all these things,

It's like we're not tuning into that grief.

But it's not to say you have to do that on day one by any means.

But eventually you want to really get into it and go,

Gosh,

What is coming up for me?

I want to allow myself to drop,

Drop,

Drop deeper inside of myself so I can feel whatever that grief is.

We've also got behavioral signs.

And again,

Notice this if you're somebody that's witnessing someone in grief or yourself.

We withdraw from social activities.

We might have a difficult time concentrating,

We're restless,

We're fidgety,

All of those kinds of things are also behaviorally things that we might be doing if we are in grief.

Another thing is cognitively speaking,

There can be confusion,

Disbelief,

Preoccupation with the loss or trouble making decisions.

I had a friend recently that was going through a divorce and she kept saying to me,

What's wrong with me?

My memory is so bad.

Oh my God,

What's wrong?

I'm too young.

She was in her late 40s and she said,

My memory is so bad.

There's something really wrong.

I can't sleep at night.

She was starting to withdraw from her friends and I'm watching all this.

And I said to her,

You are in grief,

My friend,

You are in deep grief.

You are in the middle of just a remarkable loss and you've got to tend to yourself.

Tend to your heart,

Tend to your body,

Tend to yourself,

Turn toward yourself and you've got to find what you need as you go through this.

But these are all the symptoms of someone that is experiencing grief.

Let's talk about phases of grief.

Grief often progresses through stages.

Now it's not to say that we felt that every single person on the planet follows these stages exactly,

But there typically is a progression that this happens when we're in grief.

So let's start.

We're going to start with this first one,

Shock and denial.

So a lot of times it's an initial phase that can last for a few days,

Two weeks.

It's when the reality of the loss has not fully set in.

So we are just walking around like,

I cannot believe this is happening.

I cannot believe this has happened.

I cannot believe it.

I don't want to be,

I'm not,

I'm in denial.

I don't want to admit it.

No way.

No way.

I just don't.

I do not believe it.

That's the first stage.

Second stage is pain and guilt.

This can be intense and last for weeks to months where the full weight of the loss then is felt.

So there's pain and or guilt when it comes to grief.

There's also anger and bargaining.

These are feelings,

This is feelings of frustration,

Helplessness or anger may arise,

Sometimes lasting for weeks or longer.

You know,

We're just angry and we've got like this big chip.

It feels like we are,

It may look like we have a chip on our shoulder,

But we're just angry,

Right?

And we might be angry at that person for leaving us or angry at God or angry at ourselves that we didn't do anything for that person that passed,

Whatever it might be.

There's anger and bargaining that goes on.

The next one is number four is depression and reflection.

Now this phase might be the longest lasting,

Lasting for even months or years where deep sadness and reflection are common.

So the deep,

The depression is something that typically will hit us in some form or another.

Maybe it's light or moderate or mild,

Moderate or more severe depression.

But the reflection where we think back upon that person,

That job,

That animal,

That whomever,

Whatever it is that we're grieving over,

That could last for years.

For example,

I still,

It was crazy.

My dad being gone 20,

What did I say,

21 years,

Something like that.

I still sometimes will be in the middle of doing something.

I'm like,

Oh my gosh,

I got to call my dad and ask him about that.

I'm like,

Oh God,

He's gone like 21 years.

So then I'll start thinking like,

Gosh,

It would be so great to have my dad here.

He would have loved this and that and the other thing.

So there's,

That's reflection.

That's okay.

It's when the depression lasts long time.

That's when we really want to seek help.

Okay.

And I'm going to get to that in a minute.

The next step though,

And as far as the phases of grief go,

We've got number five is an upward turn in reconstruction.

So gradually this is when the intense emotions begin to lift and a person starts to rebuild their life.

So this happens of course in time and there's no specific time for someone that's going to go through this.

But in all of these phases,

I can't say to you,

This happens week one,

This happens week two,

This happens week four.

Everybody grieves in a different way.

I was saying to you earlier,

So when my dog Maddie,

Who is a black lab that we had only for about six weeks when my husband and I had first gotten married,

Um,

We had Maddie,

She was this beautiful black lab.

She was the runt of the litter.

So she was really tiny and she had a problem eating.

So I'd have to lay on the floor and I would hand feed her.

She was so tiny.

She's so darn cute.

And I took her to the vet cause she wasn't eating right.

And they said she had a congenital heart issue,

A congenital issue,

Which is a heart issue.

And she ended up passing after six weeks.

She had a seizure at my feet.

We rushed her in and she ended up dying that night.

The way I grieve this dog,

Cause I was so,

First of all,

Back way back when,

So codependent,

So attached.

She was my everything.

And six weeks we had her,

Could not get out of bed.

It was so devastating for me.

It was like this gigantic loss.

And then my husband,

I think two or three days in,

I couldn't go to work.

I mean,

I was like,

So just in so much pain.

I love this dog so much,

But I needed some help clearly.

And I had not done hardly any of my personal work and all the things.

And again,

Not to say that if you've done personal work,

You're not going to grieve because I just grieved my other dog that just died.

What I'm saying is I navigate it in such a different way.

This time,

My husband had to come help me,

Pulled me out of the bed and he pulled the sheet,

The blinds went up and he pulled the comforter back and he goes,

Okay,

It's time.

It's been three days of you in this bed.

You got to move forward.

So that day I literally,

I remember myself saying,

Yeah,

I do need to move forward.

It's time.

So there's an upward turn in reconstruction that happens.

So the intense emotions begin to lift and the person starts to rebuild their life.

So again,

This was a dog I had six weeks.

When you're with someone and you've gone through a divorce or your child is leaving for college,

It's a completely different scene or thing that you're going to have to work on.

So what is your life going to look like now that your child is gone?

What is your life going to look like now that you've gone through this relationship breakup?

One way I know that helped a lot of my clients was to really look into the near future and the distant future and start dreaming about what could be.

Now again,

You're not going to do this on day one.

You're not going to do it on week one after a loss,

But you are going to do it at some point.

You do want to reach for those thoughts,

But it's not for a while.

Okay.

The very last step of the phases of grief are acceptance and hope.

So over time,

Typically months to years,

A sense of acceptance begins to settle in and life starts to feel manageable again.

That's the very last stage of grief.

It is when we accept and go,

Okay,

Now I can accept that this all happened.

I'm going to accept it.

It doesn't mean you like it.

It doesn't mean you love it.

It doesn't mean anything other than I'm just,

I can accept it.

I'm going to acknowledge it and accept it.

And now I'm going to move forward.

Okay.

So one thing I do want to talk about though,

When does grief become concerning?

So again,

There's no set,

You know,

Normal duration of how long that we go through grief.

But what happens is prolonged and intense grief that interferes with daily functioning for over six to 12 months,

If it's still going on,

That's when we want to seek help.

We want to go and find a coach,

Find a therapist,

Find some practitioner that's going to be able to help you move through this grief.

It could be complicated grief,

And it's going to require possibly some,

Some professional help or support.

Okay.

So those are all things to look at,

Or as far as the phases of grief go,

You really just want to understand what phase you might be in.

Be gentle with yourself,

Be kind,

And keep nurturing yourself.

This is all about the way we are compassionate and loving with ourselves as we go through this process.

And please,

Please,

Please do reach out for help.

I'm just,

Can't tell you how important that is.

Okay.

So I want to change gears just a little bit,

And that is how do we tend to someone if they are the ones that are in grief?

Okay.

We're all going to experience grief,

Whether it's on this side of the table or the other.

This was a question that came up when I had a private practice.

I can't even tell you for over 20 years,

People would say,

Oh my God,

So-and-so's husband just died,

Or this person is getting a divorce.

What do I do?

What do I say?

I don't know how to,

I even know how to show up for them.

So here are some ideas for you.

And I want to just start out by saying there is absolutely nothing,

Zero,

You can say to someone that has gone through a significant loss that's going to make them feel better.

It's just not going to make them feel better.

So just know that up front.

And I think when we reflect on that,

Reflect on it right now for yourself,

Truly there's nothing anyone can say.

When my father died,

My father died,

There was nothing anybody could say.

Even like people I know that have had to move,

And they didn't want to move.

They moved from one state to another.

They don't want to move,

And they had to move.

That's a significant loss.

You're losing friends.

You're losing maybe a community of people that you are very bonded with.

You love the city that you were in,

Now you had to move.

That's a big,

Big loss.

So you want to just consider all of these things.

And no one can say anything to you that would make you feel better,

Because you lost all those people.

So when we hear and we say things to people like,

Oh,

Time heals all wounds.

That's a true statement.

But that person doesn't want to hear that.

That's not,

When we are in,

Think about when you're in the middle of grief,

What do you want to hear?

Maybe you want to be alone.

What we want to do,

Though,

Is hear some things.

Acknowledge their loss.

Excuse me,

They're in significant pain,

They're hurting.

Let them hurt,

But be with them in it.

So,

And here's the thing,

Even if you don't agree with why they're so hurt,

Be with them in it and just listen.

You can hold space for them.

So first we want to acknowledge their loss,

That's number one.

You want to acknowledge their loss.

Number two is holding space.

That means,

Wow,

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

How can I help?

That's a wonderful question you can ask someone.

How can I help?

I'm here for you.

Just tell me what you need.

I'm here for you at any time.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Those are all fine things to say.

What we don't want to do is try to talk somebody out of how they're feeling if they're in deep,

Deep pain.

It doesn't work.

And by the way,

They need to be in it because it's processing through them.

We want to let the emotions flush through them,

Remember.

So what I mean by holding space is when we go and we are,

Be with that person that has experienced the loss and we just sit with them and listen.

There's nothing to do.

You just listen and bob your head and you can say things like,

Wow,

I'm so sorry.

That's it.

That's it.

Don't try to talk that person out of it because they need to be in it.

It's part of this process of grief.

Let them through it.

Now,

If they've been in it for six to 12 months,

That's a whole other story.

At that point in time,

We're going to have a different conversation with them.

At that point in time,

We might suggest to them,

Hey,

I just want you to know,

I love you or I care about you so,

So deeply,

But I just feel like you might be stuck in this grief.

You cannot get yourself out.

You can't,

You know,

I'm noticing you're stuck in this.

It's been a year.

Is there anything I can do to help?

Would you consider even going to see someone or joining a support group or something like that that would be helpful for you?

I'm worried about you.

So that's a lovely way of saying this or sharing your concern for this person and helping them.

Number three,

Again,

Ask them what you can do for them,

Even if it's just listen.

You say,

I'm here,

I'm here to listen.

And when that person is having a wicked time and they're pounding the bed and pounding the pillow and they're crying,

Crying,

Crying,

You just sit with them and go,

I got you.

And you know,

Less is more.

We want to say less words because when we hold space,

We're actually creating this energy bubble.

They're sitting in our energy field and our energy is like,

I've got you.

You don't even have to say it.

You can say it once.

You don't have to say it 10 times.

Just say it once.

But the energy that you bring to the table is what that person is going to feel.

But just letting,

Just knowing that someone is there for them is a beautiful gesture.

And again,

Don't say anything.

By sitting with someone you're being,

And being in your heart with them and in your body.

So that what I mean by that is stay grounded with them.

Yeah.

And getting comfortable in the uncomfortableness of someone else's pain is so,

So,

So beautiful.

It's a beautiful gift that we can give to another person.

It's like,

Hey,

I can be with you no matter what you say,

What you do,

It's not going to scare me away.

I'm going to love you no matter what.

I'm here.

You don't scare me off.

So we want to get comfortable with uncomfortable emotions if we're going to sit with somebody.

So it's just taking some deep breaths when someone's really going through it,

When you're with them and putting your feet on the ground and grounding with them and yeah,

And knowing that they will move through it.

We all do.

Energy does not stay stuck.

The time that energy and grief,

What I have seen in my practice over the years,

When someone is stuck in grief,

What happens is we get stuck in that mind loop.

It goes around and around and around and around and around and we cannot seem to get ourselves out of it because the mind has this automatic,

Almost like a treadmill going over and over again and reminding us of how awful it is because my father has died and now I'm never going to,

He's never going to see the grandchildren and it's going to,

It's the worst thing.

And how am I supposed to move forward?

And I have a business and he was a business guy and I wanted him to be able to help me with my company and how is this going to move forward?

And the more we have these thoughts over and over and over again,

They get routed in the brain and create these neural pathways and then what happens is it becomes automatic.

So if that's happening to you,

You are going to want to just do some meditation,

Do some journaling,

Get the words and the grief out on paper so that you then can move forward.

And at some point in time you can say to yourself,

Stop,

Stop brain.

You know,

I'm done thinking.

I'm done thinking.

I don't want to have that thought,

But that again is when,

When we're moving through these stages and we get to a stage where we can say to ourselves,

Wow,

I'm think I need to stop talking.

I need to stop these thoughts from going in.

I'm going to choose now to do something else too so I can stop my brain from going,

Do some tapping.

There's so many ways to stop those,

The thoughts from going through your mind.

But EFT tapping is a great way.

Something that you can do starting to meditate using mantras.

I love using mantras.

Oh my God.

Saying Om,

Saying peace.

You can use Sanskrit words.

You can say English,

Whatever you need,

Whatever language you want to use.

Say a chant,

Speak a chant,

Chant a chant,

Right?

That starts changing the neural pathways in the brain,

Okay?

Because every time you have that thought that you don't want to have,

That's making you feel horrible inside,

Chant something,

Just say the word peace,

Peace,

Peace,

Peace,

Peace over and over again.

You will stop saying the ruminating thoughts over and over again when you start inserting something like chanting.

Okay,

So a lot here today for you guys.

I hope you found it beneficial.

I just want to say it again.

Grief is hard.

Loss is a hard one for us.

And it breaks our hearts to watch someone going through that much pain.

So I hope I've given you some ideas on how to navigate that,

Whether it's for yourself or someone else.

And unfortunately,

Again,

It's just part of being human.

We are going to go through this loss and we've got to learn how to navigate it better.

So hope this was helpful for you today.

Let's see.

I think this is all I have for you guys today.