Managing Triggers At The Holidays

In today's Talk, I’m giving you 10 steps to work with a trigger so you can be prepared for whatever comes your way this holiday season.

The first four steps will help you regulate your nervous system, calm down, and come back into balance when triggered. These are a lifesaver if you’re at a gathering where you need to keep your cool until you can work on the trigger!

Then the last six steps will teach you exactly how to work with your triggers so you can heal the limiting beliefs beneath them, get unstuck, and get triggered a whole lot less in the future.

Listen to discover: Why the holidays are a prime time for triggers, What a trigger is and where they come from, Why triggers are an amazing opportunity to work with limiting beliefs, The difference between a trigger and a true emotion, and 10 steps to work with a trigger.

Transcript

Hello to all of my Insight Timer friends.

My name is Michele Chalfant and I'm delighted that you're here with me today.

Welcome to my latest talk.

And as always,

After the show,

I love to hear your comments.

So make sure you leave a comment so I know how you liked it.

We'll talk soon.

And here we go with the latest episode.

Hello everybody.

And welcome to the adult chair podcast.

I am Michele Chalfant,

As always thrilled to be here with you today,

Talking about one of my favorite topics,

Triggers,

Love,

Love triggers so much.

But today we're talking about how do you manage triggers at the holidays specifically?

Yeah.

Such a big time for triggers because holy moly.

Do I even have to say why they just come up like crazy and I hear from people every year around this topic.

All right.

So let's jump right in.

I'm excited to talk to you today about this.

So let's talk about managing triggers at the holidays.

So as we know,

During the holiday season,

There's an increase in a lot of things,

Stress,

Drinking,

Spending,

Eating,

And spending time with others.

With that comes a decrease in patience and sleep.

We are worn out.

There's so much.

So that increase and decrease is just a landmine for triggers.

Triggers are going to come up.

They're going to come up more so than the rest of the year,

Honestly,

Because of those things.

But in addition to those things,

Because we are with a lot of people that we aren't normally with,

We've got holiday parties,

We've got dinners that we go to,

We've got getaways that we're going to.

We spend time with family and friends that we may not typically see on a regular basis.

And then we oftentimes stay with them.

We're spending a week with sometimes family members that we don't see all that often and even friends.

So again,

Triggers can be at an all time high.

So I'm going to give you a different way to look at triggers.

And I want to,

I'm going to make a wild guess that if you are part of this podcast,

If you enjoy listening to what we talk about here in this podcast,

In the adult chair,

That you're somebody that is probably on a personal growth path,

You're into self-help,

You're on a spiritual path.

You are on a mission to transform yourself in some way or your life,

All of those things.

So I want you to remember that as we go through this,

You are someone that is here because there's something deep inside of you that's saying,

I know that there's another way.

I know that there's another way to do this.

And I want to learn why I want to learn how I want to learn the steps.

So I've got 10 steps,

The 10 step process that will not only help you to work triggers,

But will help you to eradicate them.

And I really,

Really mean that you will be done with many of these big,

Big triggers.

And I speak from experience.

Let's go back in time for a moment.

In my twenties,

I was an emotional rollercoaster.

I was up and down,

Up and down,

Mood instability,

Big time.

And it was because I was getting triggered all the time and I didn't know what to do.

So my emotions would go rise and fall,

Rise and fall,

Rise and fall.

It was exhausting for me.

It was exhausting for my family.

And I can tell you that my family,

My husband and I were talking about this like a week or so ago.

He's like,

God,

You're so different than you were when I first met you.

I'm like,

Yeah,

I know.

I get it.

I was up and down,

But I learned how to do my emotional work.

And I learned how to truly master these triggers.

Now when I use the word master,

I don't want you to think like I'm at the,

I'm at the end of the road here.

Like I don't need to keep working on my triggers.

No,

They still come up,

But they come up infrequently because here's the great news.

When you work a trigger and really work a trigger and you know how to work that trigger,

It absolutely changes.

So it does not come up.

Here's the,

Here's how it looks.

Typically it,

The next time it comes up,

It'll be less intense and then less intense.

And then eventually that thing just doesn't bother you anymore.

Sometimes you can wipe them out in one shot,

Which is pretty cool.

But that's why I'm excited to speak with you guys today because we feel so I don't,

I did.

I'm going to speak for myself.

I'm not sure about you,

But when I used to get so triggered in my twenties,

I was like,

It's disempowering.

Gosh,

I felt bad about myself.

I was like,

I can't take this.

It's exhausting.

Honestly,

Think about it.

It's like an emotional rollercoaster.

And it was an emotional rollercoaster for those around me,

But I've learned how to change.

So how to change triggers and I've learned how to work triggers.

So here we go.

Let's talk about first what a trigger actually is.

So a trigger is a physical meaning,

Not in my stomach,

Tightness in my shoulders,

Knots in my throat,

Tightness in my throat.

So it's a physical or emotional,

It could be both physical and or emotional response,

Emotional response,

Meaning I'm hurt,

I'm mad,

I'm disassociated,

All those things,

But it's a physical and or emotional response within us,

Right?

When someone or something outside of us,

So it's out there,

It's not within me,

The responses in me,

But typically what happens is it's a response to something out there.

It's when someone or something outside of me does or says something.

So something out there happens and I have a reaction to it,

Right?

So what's happening though,

I want you to really understand what a trigger is.

A trigger is bringing up for me.

So when I said that you get that physical or emotional response,

Or it's a reaction,

What's happening within me is that that's not what's happening first,

The physical or emotional reaction doesn't happen first.

What's happening first and it happens in a split second is it's bringing up,

That thing out there is bringing up for me an unknown,

Unconscious,

Limiting belief that I have about myself,

Okay?

So that happens out there and then there's a belief within me that rises up inside that feels horrible.

It's a limiting belief that feels horrible.

So let that sink in for a minute.

So trigger that happens out there and inside of me,

There's a reaction physically and or emotionally that feels horrible.

And typically what happens is it makes us angry.

It makes us again,

Maybe we disassociate,

Maybe we feel hurt.

Maybe we feel really sad.

One of those things happen.

And then we reach for another human to validate that that thing or that person out there that made me feel bad is wrong.

That event out there,

That person that said or did that thing,

They're wrong.

So I'll call my mother,

My sister,

My friends,

My whomever,

My person at work,

My neighbor at work,

And I'll go,

Can you believe this happened to me?

And we want validation that we're not bad.

We want validation that that of the belief that's rising up within us that we don't even know is not true.

So we reach for someone outside of self to say to us,

Oh my God,

I can't believe that they did that to you,

That they said that to you.

And guess what happens?

That beautiful belief that is unknown.

That's truly on a silver platter sitting right here in front of me.

Guess what?

When someone validates that I'm good and the other person is bad for,

For saying that to me,

That belief that I didn't know that I could know that if I get to know,

We'll eradicate future triggers,

Gets folded up and gets dropped right back down into me because that person outside of me,

My mother,

My whomever,

My friend says,

Oh my God,

I can't believe that they said that to you.

There's such an ass.

There's such a jerk,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

And then I feel better and that person is wrong.

And then life goes on.

And that unknown unconscious limiting belief that I have about myself gets tucked back inside of me and life goes on until guess what?

I get triggered again.

Yeah.

So that is what a trigger is.

It is a belief that I have about myself that nobody else has,

But I have it.

And that's why I'm having a reaction to that thing or that person outside of me.

I want you to let that sink in for a moment.

So when you understand that triggers are a way to help us to find and identify limiting beliefs that we have about ourselves.

And once we get to know that belief,

We can turn it around.

Guess what?

It doesn't hurt so bad.

The next time it doesn't throw us so bad the next time eventually it doesn't even come up at all.

And this is what I S I speak from experience on this.

You guys,

I absolutely have done this.

I worked so hard on my triggers.

I just,

I,

Again,

I'm not perfect.

Please don't hear me say I'm perfect.

I'm definitely still human.

I'm not perfect,

But I am so less emotionally reactive and it's because I've done this work.

Have you ever been in a group of friends and someone is,

You know,

If you're even with one other person and again,

Something outside of you happens and that person is like furious and you're like,

What are you so upset about?

I don't understand.

What just happened?

Well,

Did you see what they did?

Yeah.

But it's not making me upset.

Why are you so upset?

Calm down.

Like that's what people say to us.

Right.

What's happening is the person that's affected in the group is the one that has that unknown unconscious limiting belief about themselves.

That's why.

So think about that.

The next time you're in a group of people and you're not,

You can't understand why no one else is upset or you are that,

Or if you're the one that is,

That is triggered,

You can't understand why no one else is upset.

It's because no one else has that trigger.

No one else has that belief about themselves.

Okay.

So I really want you to pay attention to that and I want you to know,

I want you to,

I want to be clear about something.

There's a caveat to this.

How do we know the difference between a trigger in someone that is,

That is just hurtful?

Like,

Hey,

You just said something mean to me,

Or you just did something really awful to me.

And I'm fricking mad.

I'm hurt.

I'm angry.

I'm bewildered.

I'm blown away.

I feel betrayed.

All of these things,

Right?

So if that happens outside of,

If that again is how we feel and we sink in and go,

What's in this for me,

What's in this for me.

And I do my work on that trigger and there's nothing there.

It could just be that it's an emotion.

So there are also times when we have legit emotions and we are angry at someone,

But the difference is a trigger is something that we carry with us.

You're still talking about this trigger hours,

Days,

Weeks later,

My friends,

It's a trigger.

It's a trigger.

That means there's a belief within you that is,

That is,

That has come up.

You've got to sink in and take a look at it.

Okay.

Because when you don't have that belief,

Even when I have a friend that just completely,

I still don't know to this day why she turned on me,

Stopped talking to me.

And I was like,

Wait,

What,

What's happening here?

I don't understand.

Like she did some incredibly hurtful things to me,

Really,

Really hurtful.

And I'm like,

Okay.

And I'm not a callous kind of person.

I don't blow things off.

Like,

Yeah,

Who cares?

She doesn't like me,

Whatever.

That's not me.

That's not me at all.

I'm actually very deep.

I have a heart that gets hurt badly when people hurt me intentionally.

But with this particular friend,

She really did hurt me.

And I was like,

Huh,

That's interesting.

I sat with it.

I did my work around it.

I'm like,

Yeah,

I'm not carrying it with me.

Like I really am clear I'm hurt,

But I'm not triggered.

I don't think about it.

I don't think about her.

I moved on from it.

So when you can move on from something,

It's not a trigger.

It's not a trigger.

So that's the difference.

People I know have asked me in the past,

What's the difference between a trigger and just getting mad?

So you can get mad.

You can get angry.

That happens.

Like those are legit emotions,

But triggers are different triggers we carry with us.

So if you're carrying something around with you and it keeps also another indicator that's a trigger,

It's a pattern.

Notice do you keep falling into victim about something?

Do you keep feeling that I'm not wanted over and over and over again?

You find yourself telling people,

I don't think I'm wanted.

I don't think I matter.

All of these thoughts and words that you're using,

Catch yourself,

Become aware.

Are you using the same phrases over and over and over again?

If you are,

Guess what?

That's something to look at.

That's something to go deeper on.

And then you too can turn it around and go from feeling more like victim to empowered.

That's what I'm all about.

Like,

How do we live these empowered lives?

We do that when we learn how to work things like this.

So let's,

Let's go through that right now.

Here we go.

Okay.

So let's,

We're going to go through,

I've got 10 things for you to do.

So let's go into the holidays together.

You and me.

Okay.

So we are at a party.

We are at a family gathering.

We are at a Christmas,

A Hanukkah,

A some sort of event somewhere with maybe family or friends and something happens.

Someone says something,

Et cetera.

And I'm triggered.

What do I do?

Number one,

Here we go.

You're going to get curious.

And again,

I want you to,

I want you to go into the holidays thinking,

Okay,

I'm going to really work these triggers.

So think of yourself like a detective,

Like,

Ooh,

This is why I know people think I'm crazy,

But I get excited when I'm triggered.

Cause I'm like,

Oh my gosh,

This is so exciting.

I'm learning about an undiscovered belief that I have about myself.

That's limiting.

And I want to work with it.

It's hard to know what these beliefs are and triggers are a phenomenal way to find these beliefs.

You can also get them maybe through hypnosis and things like this,

But this is why I love triggers.

The more you grab onto to these moments,

Guess what?

The less they come up for you.

So here,

Here we go.

So you're going to get curious.

That's the first one like,

Ooh,

It's a trigger.

I want you to reframe how you see triggers,

Right?

Ooh,

It's a trigger.

Now again,

I know they feel like crap.

I'm not going to lie.

They do.

It's like,

Oh my God,

I'm in pain.

I've got,

My heart hurts.

I feel like I'm going to throw up.

My nut,

My stomach is a nuts.

Whatever it might be,

Pay attention,

But you do get curious.

Don't go into the immediate reaction that you've had in the past.

Don't say something back.

Don't get defensive.

Leave your sword and shield at the front door before you go into this party or this event.

Get curious.

No,

I'm not saying for you that you should allow people to hurt you.

Like please set boundaries and all this thing.

But if someone says or does something and then walks away and it's over,

But you're carrying it around,

Get curious.

What is this?

Oh my gosh.

It's a trigger.

Something's coming up for me.

This is it.

I'm triggered.

Here we go.

So the first thing you're going to do is get curious when we're triggered.

We inevitably have our heart rate go up again.

We want to throw up a defense.

We want to get going and maybe argue with somebody and say,

I can't believe you said that to me,

But don't do it.

Please don't do it.

I hate you.

Don't do it.

Instead,

After you get curious,

Take slow,

Deep breaths because you get so activated,

Right?

The nervous system gets activated.

What I want you to do is slow yourself down.

Take slow,

Deep,

Intentional breaths because I know,

I get it.

You could even be in fight or flight.

Just take deep breaths.

Feel your feet on the ground.

Take some slow,

Deep breaths that slows your nervous system down.

It will slow your heart rate down.

Okay.

You've got to be intentional and say,

Okay,

I get it.

I'm triggered.

I'm going to slow myself down.

Just like Michelle said,

Okay,

Please do this.

Third thing you're going to remind yourself of your current age.

So here's the crazy thing.

When you get triggered,

A limiting unconscious belief,

More than likely most of these beliefs crazy enough are from the age of zero to six.

And Carl Young says the average age is actually three where these beliefs have been planted into the unconscious mind.

So remind yourself of your current age.

Because what happens is sometimes we'll go back in time and we feel like a younger version of self.

You probably know what I'm talking about.

You're like,

Oh my God,

I don't even know my own name.

That used to happen to me.

Like,

I feel like I'm five.

I can't think straight.

You know,

We might disassociate.

That was me.

I'm disassociated.

I'm like,

I don't even know what my name is right now.

I'm just,

I feel really triggered.

Now,

Of course,

Some triggers are more intense than others.

So what you want to do after you've slowed yourself down,

Remind yourself of your current age.

So you're going to do something like,

Okay,

As I'm breathing slowly,

I am Michelle.

I'm an adult,

55 years old.

It's 2023.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you're going to say that maybe a few times,

You say it as much as you need to,

But it's going to help you to stay in the moment,

Which is where you want to be.

You want to come out of the past,

Come out of where,

Or the time period when that belief might've been planted inside of you and come to the present moment.

Okay.

Number four,

You want to soothe yourself.

So what I mean by that is think about a baby that's,

That's overwhelmed,

Right?

And they're crying and they take a pacifier and then all of a sudden they're more relaxed or they have their bottle.

We can mentally soothe ourselves to help calm down again,

Our emotional body and our physical body.

And we do that by our self-talk.

So soothe yourselves with a phrase.

So I always have a go-to phrase.

So when I'm triggered,

I don't want to have to think,

Oh my gosh,

What's a phrase I can say to myself?

Like,

And you have no idea,

Right?

Go into the trigger with a phrase that you feel like would be comforting for you.

A phrase that I absolutely love.

In fact,

We did a whole month on it when I used to have a membership.

We spent a whole month talking about this.

It was transformational for people.

The phrase is I'm okay.

And you've got to say it slow.

I am okay.

And breathe.

Your breath is your savior because it will help you to stay present.

It helps to keep you slow.

It helps to rebalance the nervous system,

All the things.

But when you add this phrase,

I am okay.

And you might need a different phrase and that's okay.

You might say,

I am loved or I matter.

What do you need to hear to soothe yourself?

You can come up with that right now.

And if you want to use,

I am okay,

Then use it.

But what you don't want to do is I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

You can start there,

But bring it down slower and say,

I am okay.

And this is what you're going to say to yourself.

You say to yourself,

You don't have to say it out loud unless you want to,

You can do whatever you want,

But wait,

I am okay.

You know,

When you go and you start combining all these things that I'm saying to you,

Like,

Hold on,

I'm 55.

I am okay.

I'm good.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I am okay.

Deep breath.

Okay.

So this is now at the point.

So that's the four things that you do in order to get your nervous system,

Your body,

And your state of mind in the right place.

This is the point in time though,

Where you either shelf the trigger,

Like if you're sitting at a dinner party,

Right?

And you're,

And you're having this experience.

You want to do these four things to just bring yourself back into the moment,

Calm yourself down.

You can pause there.

And then when you get home,

You can do the next five things.

Or if you're at a party,

You can go off in another room and do this,

Go sit in the bathroom and do this,

Go to a bedroom and do whatever you can just excuse yourself or in the drive home,

You can do this next part.

So I want you to get the first,

The first few that we just did.

Absolutely.

We'll bring you down.

Here's how to work the trigger.

You've got,

Now that you're in a calmer place,

You ask yourself,

What am I feeling?

Start out with,

If you're having physical sensations,

You can start out with my stomachs and nuts.

Okay,

Great.

What else?

What emotionally am I feeling?

What's happening right now?

What thoughts are going through my head?

Like what's happening?

So you can ask yourself this question.

When so-and-so said that or did that,

It made me feel what angry,

Okay,

Cool,

Great.

It made me feel worthless.

It made me feel like I don't matter.

It made me feel like I'm not important.

When my mother disregarded me in that way,

It made me feel like I'm not wanted.

Great place to start.

This is where we're going.

And as I say that statement,

My throat's in a knot or my stomach's in knots,

Whatever it might be.

So you want to raise your awareness to what's going on within yourself.

Now journaling is a great way to work this through.

If you want to journal,

Go for it.

You can do this writing it out,

Okay,

Or not,

Or you just sit down,

Close your eyes and get in touch with what's going on inside of you.

Okay.

Step number six,

You're going to go for the root of the belief.

So if you start out with,

Gosh,

When my mother said that to me,

She dismissed me.

I felt like I wasn't wanted.

What I want you to do now,

Now we've got to go for the root.

So you ask yourself,

Not wanted,

What's under that belief or me feeling like I'm not wanted makes me feel like what?

So you want to dig,

Go underneath the,

The,

The first emotion that you feel.

A lot of people would say,

Well,

I feel angry.

Okay,

Cool.

What's under the anchor.

I'm disappointed.

Okay.

What's under the disappointment.

Sit with it.

Feel it.

Go in your body.

Go into your mind.

What's coming up.

I feel disappointed.

Okay.

What else?

I feel like I don't exist.

Like there's no point in me being here at all.

Okay.

And what is that?

And having that thought makes me feel like what,

Right?

So we just keep going.

We keep going and going and going.

And you might loop back to then,

Well,

Like,

I'm just not wanted.

Like I'm not important.

Like I shouldn't even be here at all.

Like there's no point to my life.

Okay.

Wow.

Great.

The next step is number seven is once you find that route,

Whatever it might be,

Allow yourself to fully sink into that feeling.

Let your body be in it fully.

Let your thoughts go in it fully like,

Wow,

Maybe I don't need to be here.

I feel like I don't even exist.

What's the point of my whole life?

Right.

It feels horrible.

If you want to cry,

Cried out,

But this is the way out of our pain.

The way out of our triggers is to go through.

This is what I mean by going through.

You've got to go through your pain.

You've got to go through this belief to get to the other side.

So you will let your body feel it.

You sink into it and you go,

Oh,

This feels horrible.

Again,

If you feel like crying,

Journaling,

Whatever you need to do,

Do it,

Do it,

But do go fully into it.

The next part is number eight is you ask yourself,

Okay,

I'm fully in this feeling.

What happens is I wanted to share something with you.

When you go fully into that emotion,

I feel like I don't exist.

I feel like I'm not important.

I feel like I hate myself.

Whatever it might be.

I don't matter.

If you sit in it,

You're going to notice it's an energy.

Everything's energy,

Right?

So that energy of that emotion is going to start to work its way through you.

So sit with it for a few minutes.

Let it be there.

Let it linger in your body.

Energy does not stay constant,

My friend.

So if you allow it to do whatever it needs to do,

It will,

It will start to move,

Starts to move through you.

Okay.

It'll lessen.

You got to be in it though,

Before it'll do that.

So once it's starting to work its way through you,

Then the next question is this.

So what's true today?

So if your core belief was,

Or your root belief was,

I am worthless.

You ask yourself,

Is it a hundred percent true that I'm worthless?

I have absolutely zero worth.

Is that true?

If the answer is no,

Which I'm going to tell you what I did,

I've done this work for over 20 years with clients.

It was very,

Very rare.

If ever that a client said,

Yep,

It's a hundred percent true.

You've got to be willing to find the 1%,

Right?

So look at your pets.

If you don't have any humans in your life that make you feel worthy,

What about your pet?

Right?

And you can even lean into people that are,

Have deceased and they're on the other side.

What did your grandmother or grandfather or whomever,

What would they say to you?

Is it true that you're a hundred percent worthless?

No,

They would say,

Absolutely not.

So then you go there and then you ask yourself,

So then what's true instead?

What is it?

Well,

Maybe I am worthy.

And what else?

Keep going with it.

Let the new belief about yourself rise up.

So I am not only am I worthy,

But I actually do add value,

Huh?

That just thought just came to me.

Interesting.

So that's the kind of thing that happens.

It just rises up in your awareness.

Then you're going to let yourself feel that,

Oh wow,

That's number nine.

Feel your new truth.

Maybe I do have value.

Let yourself feel that.

Yeah.

I do add value.

I am a valuable human.

Huh?

Yeah.

I add value.

Interesting.

Feel it.

Over and over again.

You say it.

I add value.

I am valuable.

Whatever your phrase is.

After you let yourself feel that way and be with it,

The last thing you want to do is celebrate you.

Okay.

You just worked a trigger and you transformed a belief.

That's it.

I'm telling you,

My friends,

It will be different.

The next time it comes up,

If it comes up,

Oftentimes it does not even come up again.

You just won't get true triggered to that level again,

Right?

If it's really intense,

It'll be less.

Okay.

And if it does resurface,

You go through the same process and what's going to happen is you're going to start going through this process.

When you go through it a few times,

It's,

I'm telling you,

It's so quick now.

I just do it.

Like,

It's just easy for me to do it.

It just happens so,

So,

So fast.

I don't even have time to think about it.

It's just like,

Boom,

Boom.

Okay.

Think it,

Feel it.

What's the route.

So once you do it a few times,

That's how it's going to be for you.

And you will find that this tool you're going to be able to use not just at the holidays,

But the rest of your life.

It is empowering.

It is a skill you will never,

And a tool you will never,

Ever,

Ever put down.

And I promise you,

You're going to feel steadier and calmer and more peaceful.

Okay.

Okay.

So that's it,

You guys.

That's all I've got for you today.

Have a wonderful holiday season.

Now,

Now that you have this incredible tool with you and enjoy the gift of triggers,

You're going to discover so much about yourself this holiday season.

So be open,

Be willing.

And I'm telling you guys go there and please comment how this works for you.

I love to read your comments.

I love to read your comments.

And what I really love reading is when people say,

I get this all the time,

Like,

I didn't think this would work for me.

And it worked so amazing.

Like absolutely.

Yes.

I wouldn't give you something that didn't work.

This works.

I can tell you right now,

This works 100%.

So,

Okay.

That's all I've got for you guys today.

I will see you seated next week,

Right here in the adult chair.

Thank you so much for joining me today.

I wish you a beautiful week and I'll see you next week for the next show.

Reviews

This a truly amazing talk, so helpful 🩷

This was really encouraging and empowering (and perfect timing, as I have a get together with family tonight that I have a lot of unresolved conflict with!). The actionable steps in particular make me feel empowered as now I feel like I have something to work on and lean into. I also really loved the notion of getting excited about triggers, and seeing those are “clues” to a better self.

As for my mantra of sorts that I’ll remind myself of during triggering moments:

“I am more than this.”

Much appreciated!

Such great tools, thank you! 🙏😊💚🌟