How To Work With Your Inner Child

Welcome to another episode of The Adult Chair Podcast. Today, we're diving into the world of inner child work with Rebecca Fellenbaum, Sara Stansberry, and Jill Vyn. Get ready to unlock some serious emotional healing and personal growth as we explore how reconnecting with our inner child can change our lives.

In this episode, you'll hear some truly inspiring stories. We hear stories about feeling naive and asking "dumb" questions transformed into finding confidence through inner child work. Plus, you'll get practical advice on how to start your own journey to emotional wellness.

We'll also touch on the tough stuff — like reprogramming childhood fears and tackling emotionally numbing behaviors. You'll learn how connecting with your inner child can lead to a more fulfilling emotional life. Listen to stories about overcoming grief and trauma using the Adult Chair model. It's all about hope and healing, folks.

Transcript

Hi,

I'm Michelle Chalfant,

Psychotherapist,

Holistic life coach and human,

Just like you,

Learning to navigate life's challenges.

With over 25 years experience,

I teach people how to get healthy using the adult chair model.

The adult chair model is where simple psychology meets grounded spirituality,

And it teaches us how to become healthy adults.

From anxiety and depression to codependency and relationship issues,

You can use the adult chair for just about anything.

Each week,

I share practical tips,

Tools and advice from myself and a wide range of experts on how to get unstuck,

How to live authentically,

And how to truly love yourself all while sitting in your adult chair.

Welcome to the adult chair podcast.

Hello,

Everybody,

And welcome to the adult chair podcast.

I am Michelle Chalfant,

Thrilled to be here with you today,

Talking about the inner child again.

I have to say,

I feel like we've been talking about this for weeks now.

The inner child for me has been one of the most profound,

Incredible tools that I've used over the 25 years that I've been doing personal work and also working with clients.

I'm really,

Really excited to announce that I have taught the inner child on stages,

In live events with my clients.

I use it with myself.

I've never done it in an online course until now.

So October 12th,

I have the first online,

Anyone in the world can join,

October 12th from 1 to 3 p.

M.

Eastern time,

The first inner child course.

It is for someone that is either brand new to the inner child or someone that's even has been working with the inner child.

Come join us.

I'm going to take you on a deep dive into the inner child and show you some really unique ways to work with the inner child.

You also get a very robust workbook that comes with it that includes inner child scripts.

We have meditations.

We have inner child prompts.

We have journaling prompts.

So much is in this course.

If you're listening to this after October 12th,

Not to worry.

It is all recorded and you can still have access to it.

So for all the details,

Head over to michellechalfant.

Com forward slash inner child.

That's Michelle Chalfant,

Which is M-I-C-H-E-L-L-E-C-H-A-L-F-A-N-T.

Com forward slash inner child and get all the details there.

I'd love to have you join us on October 12th.

Okay.

So for today's show,

You're going to hear from three of my adult chair coaches,

And I got to tell you something.

These people went very deep into their own work and shared with you what their life was like pre inner child work,

How they used inner child work,

And then how their life has changed because of it.

These women got very vulnerable and open.

There were some tears.

We talk about working through grief.

One of them got sober because of using inner child work and working with her inner child embodiment,

Processing emotions,

And really just getting in touch with this really precious vulnerable part of them.

They teach you how to do it on this show.

It's a beautiful,

Beautiful show.

Drop in the comments how you like it.

And of course,

Make sure to subscribe to this channel.

We got a lot of good stuff coming your way.

So here we go with Rebecca,

Sarah,

And Jill sharing with you all about their inner child experiences.

So welcome to the adult chair podcast,

Rebecca Fellenbaum,

Adult chair coach.

I'm so excited to have you.

You and I were chatting about how you use the inner child and an issue that you had in your own life.

So I was like,

Oh,

We got it.

Let's put this out there.

Cause it was not something I love to do of course,

Is to give the listeners something tangible like,

Cause I know people will definitely relate to what you had going on.

And then how did you work through it?

So,

So happy to have you.

Thank you for coming on and actually talking about this to everybody.

So let's start out with,

So what was coming up for you?

Yeah.

Let's just,

Yeah.

Let's just start out with what,

How did you even know?

Like whatever.

I'll let you tell.

Awesome.

Okay.

So I knew that I had a huge aversion to like feeling dumb,

Asking stupid questions.

Like I had this sense I was naive in my life and I just,

I knew that wasn't the authentic real me.

So that brought me to wanting to explore that and work around it.

So give us some examples around,

Like tell me about what would happen to you?

Like,

How did you know?

Because I'm,

I'm feeling like based on what you shared with me before that you,

When you say an aversion,

You just like didn't go there.

Yeah.

Do you have any real life examples?

I want to hear some of those.

Of course.

Yeah.

So I like the asking dumb questions.

Like I,

If I was in an opportunity,

Someone was saying something I did want to learn more about,

I would either try to ask like a really educated question or I would just stay quiet.

And so it prevented me from connecting and learning from people in my life.

And so it just started to,

I've noticed that and I started to feel really icky about it.

And I knew it was me holding myself back and I would try to keep up with people and just like agree like,

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

When they would bring up topics I really didn't know that much about because I felt like I have to keep up.

Yeah.

Interesting.

So,

And you found this started,

When did this,

When did you know you live like this most of your life?

Yeah.

I mean,

My early forties,

I was really,

I had a lot of trouble in situations where what I said could show that I was ignorant about a topic or just maybe be perceived as stupid or dumb.

Yeah.

Ooh.

I know.

Oh my God.

Absolutely.

I understand what that feels like.

So,

So then when was this turning point for you?

Like all of a sudden you started realizing,

Because the way that I'm going to run it through my filter,

I want to hear from you what it was like for you.

But I feel like,

Okay,

You became very aware of yourself,

Right?

Other,

You know,

We,

We go from living in our reality and we're unaware of how we're showing up.

Yeah.

And then we start separating from that self because honestly that part of you that's making you small as part of the ego self.

Right.

So,

So you started separating and seeing yourself shrink down and be small and quiet and not ask the question.

And you started separating from that going,

Hold on,

I'm going to say,

Was it the adult share?

Cause I think it was right.

We just started going,

Wait.

Absolutely.

That's the thing in my work with the adult chair,

I learned what it felt like to live as my healthy adult and be in my true self.

Then when I was in situations where that it really wasn't in her child heart,

I mean,

It was a younger part seated in like my emotions around that,

That was that the ego was overlaying like a mask of don't just don't look dumb,

You know,

Don't act stupid.

Don't say the thing that makes it sound like you don't know what you're talking about.

So because I had done enough work on myself through the adult chair that I noticed that.

And so that's what drove me to work on it.

Interesting.

I love that.

Okay,

Cool.

So tell us,

What did you do?

Okay.

Tell us your process for how that you,

Cause you've moved beyond this now,

Right?

You don't have this fear anymore.

I don't have this fear anymore.

And I know it keeps unveiling itself.

I keep finding more situations where I'm like,

Oh,

I don't have this problem.

It's amazing.

So,

So first I made the conscious decision,

I want to work on this.

So I had a situation where I had multiple situations where I felt this like tightness in my chest and like a heat in my,

Over my heart and even a pounding in my heart.

And so I made the conscious decision to sit quietly and go in.

So this doesn't,

For me in this case,

It didn't happen in the moment.

It was like,

Okay,

Let me go and do this work.

So taking myself,

You know,

Just finding a quiet moment.

I did this a while ago now.

So I just went into,

You know,

My space,

Probably this couch,

You know,

Where I just could sit quietly.

Would not be interrupted.

I don't know how long it would take.

And honestly,

These things don't take as long as you might think,

Which is amazing.

So sitting down,

Getting quiet,

I was like,

What is this heat?

Where is this coming from?

Like tuning into the physical sensations.

And also with the question in my mind of like,

Why do I feel like I can't ask a question like I'm going to be perceived as stupid.

So I had those two coordinating feeling and thought.

So I went in with my eyes closed and just kind of scanned and thought to myself,

What's coming up for me?

And almost immediately the memory of being in second grade,

Sitting in the classroom,

I had just turned around and asked the boy behind me,

Hey,

Is off spelled with one F or two?

It's like a simple question,

Right?

And him erupting in laughter and like this react,

His oversized reaction to my like supposed dumb question.

And so I'm having this memory of just like turning around.

So it was then that I kind of like paused the memory timeline.

And again,

Except on this work,

Like I was able to bring in my adult self.

And so I did all this with my eyes closed,

Just in my own mind,

Where I pictured myself at the doorway of the classroom.

Your adult self today.

My adult today self,

My current day self approaching the doorway of the classroom.

I'm looking and I see my little girl.

She's sitting at her desk and I approach her slowly and I knelt down.

I introduced myself.

I said,

I'm the adult version of you.

And even now saying it,

Like I feel this overwhelming wave of emotion come up because she noticed me immediately.

And it's like that shame that she was feeling.

It was just so heavy.

And it was like this really slow moving,

But painful energy in her body.

And I was able to kind of feel it with her.

And so I said,

What's going on?

And she was like,

I didn't know how to spell that word.

And so I put my hand on her knee and I said,

What was your question?

She's like,

Is off with one F or two?

I was like,

Oh,

Hi,

Off is spelled with two Fs.

And it's like,

And even now I'm replaying it.

It's like the relief of just getting the answer to her question,

It just changed her.

We didn't deal yet with the incident,

But just being able to answer the question directly,

That's really what she needed.

And so,

Yeah,

I told her then,

I'm so sorry that the kid sitting behind you couldn't answer that question.

You did nothing wrong by asking a simple question.

And I spent a little bit of time like,

What else do you need to hear?

And she's like,

I just,

I don't know everything yet and I'm still learning.

And I said,

Yeah,

And here you are at school and you get to learn and you're going to learn so many things.

And we had that dialogue and I told her I loved her and I assured her that she's just going to keep learning like her entire life.

And so really,

And even now,

I was with her until she really was like,

Okay,

And kind of wanted to start paying attention to what the teacher was doing again and ready to move on in that classroom and with her day,

I was able to say,

I'm ready to leave you now.

I will keep you in my heart and remember you and hold on to that feeling if it ever comes up again,

Like I'm right there with you.

And so,

Yeah.

And just,

Again,

It was all in my head.

I just was able to give her a hug and yeah,

It was just,

It was beautiful.

And I picture her now.

I mean,

She's there.

She's like that kind of attentive student and she's really confident.

Ooh,

I was going to ask you.

So has she changed?

I love this because what we do within the adult chair model is we're able to go in and update a past experience.

We update it with what we would have wanted instead.

What was the healthier outcome?

And I mean,

We're working with energy,

We're working with timelines and we're able to bounce back in a timeline.

And really it's no different than like reprogramming your phone or computer,

We're reprogramming the wiring that was laid or set from when you were,

I mean,

How old were you?

You were in what grade?

Seven.

Seven years old.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you bounce back in time and how long did it take you to sit on the couch and actually do this work?

Honestly,

Like five minutes.

Five minutes.

Yeah.

Five minutes.

You go back,

You work with that little younger part of you,

The inner child,

Reprogram,

And then we come back to present day reality and then everything starts to change.

Yeah.

It's crazy.

So inner child work is probably,

And I've said this before,

One of the most impactful things that I personally have ever done in my life because of this work you can do as far as the reprogramming,

Because that's when we get programmed.

These first few years of our lives,

That makes up the roadmap with which we're living on as adults.

So I love what you did here.

I love the nurturing.

I love the,

Wow,

That you went back and connected with her.

And it's not even about shaming that little boy,

Right?

Or making him wrong.

It's like,

You don't even,

It doesn't matter about him.

You focus directly on her,

Which is exactly the right way to do it.

So.

Yes.

Yeah.

There's no shame or blame with the boy.

I mean,

We didn't really go there.

She just needed someone to give her the answer just calmly,

Collectively,

And just factually really.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh,

I love that.

You still go back in time and,

Or not back in time,

But you do check in with her in this previous.

I do check in with her.

It's just like a noticing.

Yeah.

Something that'll come to me.

Yeah.

And as this change has shifted in my current day reality,

Like my own mentality around asking questions and being perceived as maybe not up to speed on a certain topic,

Like that has really fallen away.

And so I'm able to just kind of notice her and appreciate her.

Yeah.

It really is that simple.

Isn't it?

Like it's so simple.

And unfortunately so many people just don't know how to go back and shift that and reprogram.

So to recap,

Then let's talk,

Let's just talk the audience through one more time.

So when you have something coming up and you have,

First of all,

The awareness that,

Hey,

Hold on a second,

I'm making myself small.

I don't want to do that anymore.

Sit down,

Lay down,

Doesn't matter.

You could do body scan and you're asking,

Did you go directly to that part or how did,

What did you say?

It was a mix of having noticed that I really like had a visceral reaction to feeling like,

Oh,

Everyone's talking about a topic I don't know about.

I feel kind of dumb or,

Or wanting to ask a question and that might be perceived as stupid.

Yeah.

So I had noticed that like in days and weeks leading up to doing this work,

You don't have to notice it for that long before you do the work.

But in my case,

That was what was happening.

I was noticing.

So I had gotten more and more into my adult chair so that I could notice these things as they came up.

And then I also noticed that when that did,

I had like this pounding in my chest and this he here and I took those two things and said,

Okay,

I know there's some work to do.

So then I put myself in a quiet room and I sat with it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So when you say you sat with it,

Tell,

Really break down,

What does that mean?

Absolutely.

So,

You know,

Said like closing the door,

Making sure I wasn't going to be interrupted and sitting and just closing my eyes and bringing myself into that moment when I felt small and that heat in my chest.

And then the first thing I did when I got there,

And that didn't take long to get there.

That's a familiar feeling for me.

Then I said,

Like,

Who's having this reaction?

Like who's afraid of feeling stupid?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Right away.

I mean,

This is probably 30 seconds that that memory surfaced and it started running through my time,

But through my brain as like a little movie.

And that's when I was able to stop it and enter as my adult self.

Beautiful.

So for people listening,

You can ask yourself the question of who's having this memory.

Where's this coming from?

Any question,

Like it's not really a specific question,

But what you want to get to is the source of that.

It's an energy.

So you want to get to the source of that thought,

That belief,

That emotion.

So that's why you're asking yourself,

Where is this coming from?

Yeah.

Show me where,

Let me,

You know,

Give me to drive,

Whatever you have to say.

And then it brings,

It does bring you right back.

Now you might not get a visual.

There are people that aren't visual.

You might instead have,

Instead of having a visual,

You might hear something.

You might automatically just know it.

It just drops in,

Or you might sense it deeper in your body,

Whatever it is.

Go there.

Go there.

Absolutely.

And then you came in as the woman you are today,

The age you are today.

And then you had a dialogue or a conversation with that younger you,

That little seven year old beautiful,

Innocent you that was just asking,

How do I spell the word off?

And then you updated her and said,

You've done nothing wrong.

It's a beautiful question.

All the beautiful things.

Yeah.

Did I miss anything?

And that's it.

No.

I mean,

It's really,

It's,

It's easy work.

I mean,

I,

I didn't,

I did do some,

I had,

You know,

Done some work with the adult chair podcast,

Listen to some inner child meditations,

You know,

It didn't come out of nowhere.

Right.

So there is maybe that could be like pre-work to this,

But yeah.

If you can grasp this concept,

If anyone can,

It's so easy,

It's so it's that easy.

So that's awesome.

Thank you.

Great.

Well,

Thank you so much.

And then it,

To me,

It always feels like when I go back and do the reprogramming,

It feels like the domino effect where you tweak something in your past that,

By the way,

Like you said,

It took five minutes and then all of a sudden your life,

Your reality changes and you start showing up in a whole new way and who you are,

How you respond,

How you don't respond is very,

Is different.

I shouldn't say very different.

It's slightly different.

You start seeing yourself doing things like asking questions and exactly like you were saying,

And it's such a beautiful gift that we give ourselves.

The domino effect has been huge and continues.

Yeah.

It's amazing to me what this has done for my current day reality.

And then it becomes your norm and then you just forget about it and you go,

Oh yeah,

No,

I can ask a question.

It's not a big deal.

Absolutely.

I love it.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for sharing this.

So if anyone would like to ask you more questions around your process or how would they find you or all the things where,

Where can people find you?

So you can find me at my website,

RebeccaFellenbaum.

Com.

Okay.

Perfect.

Everything is there.

Yeah.

I'll put,

I'll put that in the show notes.

If anyone would like to go check you out and again,

Have questions or coaching or anything that they need.

It's all right there.

Thank you so much,

Rebecca.

I appreciate you sharing today.

So welcome Sarah Stansberry.

It's good to see you.

Thanks,

Michelle.

It's great to see you.

I love this.

So we're having some coaches on talking about their own healing experience because something I say,

As you well know,

In this coaching program,

I'm like,

Do your personal work,

But you were doing it before you and I met,

Which is beautiful.

So,

But you had a really common,

Very common inner child experience.

So I love hearing your story.

So I'm going to turn the floor over to you,

My dear,

And let's talk about,

Or just go ahead and share like what,

What your whole experience was like with the inner child in the beginning.

Yeah.

Yeah.

In the beginning.

Yeah.

So this was a while ago,

Right?

When I first started kind of doing my personal work.

So every major transformation has a catalyst.

So for me,

My then husband and I were thinking about getting divorced.

I think he had moved out.

I can't remember exactly the time we had lost all of our money.

We had lost our business.

There were so many things that were just completely falling apart.

And so I started going to therapy to try to help,

You know,

I needed to help coping and figuring out and all these other things.

And my therapist kept saying,

You know,

What does your inner child think about this?

What about your little girl?

She loved referring,

Like,

What about your little girl?

What about your little girl?

And I was like,

This is such crap.

I am not doing this.

Like I,

I have a problem right now.

I've got problems and I don't even know what you're even talking about.

So we,

We kicked that around for a while and she planted the seed,

Which I'm grateful that she did,

But I was not on board.

I was not on board at all.

And I was probably in therapy for a while and just not even on board,

But I could get on board with like kind of some prayer meditation and quiet time that,

You know,

Just kind of like trying to get grounded,

Just sit still for more than five seconds.

And it was in one of those times I had kind of like,

I don't know if you would call it a vision or just like a visual image or something just dropped in.

And I'm sitting in a car in the backseat of a car and the adult me is like on the left side and there's my child be on the right side.

And this poor thing,

She's like five years old,

Four or five years old.

She's wrapped up like in all the seat belts of the car.

Like,

I mean,

Think about like 10 cars,

Like that amount of seat belts,

Like she's just all wrapped up in these seat belts and then she has these big,

Like big link chains,

This poor thing.

It's like,

Like she's just wrapped up in all of this.

And so I'm like,

Huh,

This is weird or interesting or whatever you want to call it.

And so I just like instinctively,

It was like,

Well,

Huh,

What do you,

What do you need?

And she's like,

You know,

I could just tell I was supposed to start unwrapping her,

You know?

So I just start like in my mind,

Just like unwrapping her,

Like getting that seat belt,

Like just getting her out of all of this stuff that was just tying her in.

I mean,

I,

What I remember is that she couldn't even speak.

She had no voice,

He couldn't move,

She couldn't speak,

She couldn't do anything.

And so,

You know,

I started unwrapping her and I just came out of that experience.

And like the first thing I thought was,

Wow,

That's weird.

This was weird.

And so,

You know,

I went back and I told my therapist,

Like,

I had this experience,

Do you think I'm crazy?

Am I whatever?

And she was like,

No,

You have to go back,

You know,

Back and like take care of her and just see what she needs and see what she wants.

And so I did,

You know,

It wasn't immediate or what have you,

But I kind of kept going back and like little by little,

We would take more,

More of these like trappings off of her until she was kind of finally free,

Like we were still in the car,

But she was finally free.

Wow.

So how many times did you go back and keep working with her?

I mean,

Probably I would say maybe a two month time period,

Maybe six weeks.

Yeah.

And was it like a daily kind of thing or how often did you check in with her?

Mostly when I just felt the need,

You know,

Like when I felt my intuition,

There was a time too,

When I was starting to understand my intuition,

Which that's a whole other,

We can talk about that if you want,

That it was just like,

Just,

It just propelled that doing this work.

So I was trying to kind of follow my intuition and I was also starting to journal,

So I would journal about the experience and kind of what I was seeing,

How I was feeling,

But I mean,

It didn't take long to get her unwrapped,

But you know,

It wasn't just like a one and done thing.

Yeah.

Your therapist must've been very happy.

Like,

Yay,

You connected.

Probably.

So you went from thinking this is crap to wait a minute,

There's something here.

Hold on a second.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yes.

And,

And a lot of people,

A lot of people have asked me over the years of doing inner child work,

Like,

Do you actually see your inner child or are you imagining?

And I think a lot of people would say they sense their inner child or they just sense that something's there.

Some people actually see a child.

Some people hear a voice.

What was that like for you?

Did you actually see a little child sitting right there next to you?

Oh yeah.

It was like,

I was there.

It was like,

Yeah,

But that's kind of how my brain works anyway.

I'm very visual that way,

But yes,

Like we were in the car,

Just like you and I are on the zoom right now.

Like we were in the car,

I could absolutely see her.

So for someone that is listening right now and they're thinking inner child work like that's such bullshit.

What does that even mean?

Like there's no,

That does not,

That's not true.

That's not possible.

That's how you were.

Let's face it.

Um,

What would you say today?

I would say,

I know it probably feels strange,

Probably feels like,

Because that's what we're taught,

Right?

We're taught to only live in the reality that we're seeing it with our like eyes,

Right?

Our five senses,

But there is your brain works a little bit differently than that.

And your emotions do and the way you hold things in your body.

So I would say,

Give it a chance,

Guess,

Just give it a chance.

What do you have to lose?

What do you have to lose?

Yeah.

Be open to be open,

Like be open to the possibility that perhaps there is this younger version of you.

That's very,

Very much alive.

That really does want to connect.

That is honestly the source for so many incredible things like our emotions,

Our true needs,

Our passion,

Our purpose,

Vulnerability,

Intimacy,

Play,

Creativity,

Fun,

Like all these things.

Um,

What did you notice after you worked with your little girl?

How did your life change after doing this work?

I mean,

It changed in a profound way.

I think I mentioned before that I,

You know,

I was kind of on like the beginning of the road to emotional healing and wholeness and wellness.

But what this did is it really just propelled that journey and it just opened up a part of me that I didn't understand was dormant,

That I had just been shutting down.

So like it allowed me to really become embodied and understand,

First of all,

That I had feelings and emotions because I didn't in the beginning,

Um,

All those years ago,

I just didn't.

And uh,

And then it helped me understand like,

Oh,

Okay.

And identify what they are.

This is anger.

This is disappointment.

This is joy.

You know,

All of,

All of those things,

Because if you're shutting down the hard things,

You're also shutting down the good things.

And I would,

I want to ask you this.

So did you know that you just said something was so important about your emotions?

You didn't know you were feeling these emotions.

Did you know that you were not feeling emotions before doing this work?

Right?

No.

Of course not.

Yeah.

You were a mother and a wife and you're functioning in your role just fine and everything was okay.

I mean,

You were going through some things in your personal life,

Of course,

But otherwise you were,

Everything was cool.

I was living my life.

You're living the best life.

And all of a sudden you,

You start working with this inner child part and then all these things start coming online for you.

So you mentioned pre-call with,

With me,

You started having access to your emotions.

What else happened for you?

Well,

One big thing that happened as well as a result of this work was that I got sober and I started realizing how much I was numbing my emotions.

I mean,

I used,

I call myself an equal opportunity medicator.

That's what I was.

Yeah.

But I started digging it.

Right.

Like,

Yeah,

I would drink until I felt like,

You know,

That,

That was too much.

And then I would eat and then I would shop and like,

I didn't want to be like all one thing.

I was just equal opportunity.

Sorry.

I spilled my pen.

I was an equal opportunity medicator.

And I started realizing how much I was a numbing and that decision,

You know,

Brought me or that realization brought me to the decision that I needed to stop drinking.

Wow.

And that's been the best decision I've ever made.

Wow.

Isn't that amazing?

Like this work really opens us up to aspects of ourselves that we cannot even imagine.

We can't imagine,

Like who knew that that would ever happen.

The other thing you said is you felt very embodied and that was something that you might have thought you were before.

And then you realize,

Wow,

I'm not,

Now I'm more embodied than I've ever been.

So wow.

That's absolutely incredible.

So do you still now work with your inner child?

Do you still do check-ins and what do you,

So tell us about that.

Like,

What is your inner child work look like now?

And I don't even like to call it work.

I don't like that word because it's like the most beautiful connection that we can make within ourselves is connecting and reconnecting with this precious part of us.

Right.

So what is your,

Your connecting time look like now?

Yeah.

Well,

I mean,

It can vary.

I think that,

You know,

It's,

It's easier the more you do it,

Like anything,

The more you kind of get used to doing this kind of work,

The easier it is.

You don't have to like,

You don't have to have like a place that you sit down in a time of day and a timer and whatever,

All that stuff.

So yeah,

I mostly work with my inner child or inner children depending on the thing.

But if I'm feeling like any kind of dis-ease,

Does that make sense?

So if I'm not feeling right and I can't figure out why I don't feel right,

I'll check in with her and be like,

What do you need right now?

Like what's happening and what do you need?

Like one time she said to me,

You know,

Just a few years ago,

She's like,

I need you to stand up for me.

Like I just asked,

I just asked,

Like something was happening.

I didn't feel right.

I asked,

It dropped in.

And my first response was,

I stick up for you.

I was like defensive,

Like my adults,

I was like,

Which I guess would be my adolescent.

I was like defensive.

Yeah.

And she's like,

No,

You don't.

Wow.

And I realized,

No,

I don't.

Wow.

What a beautiful need though,

That she expressed,

You know,

And that's something that happens as we go through into life.

I realize just in my own life,

But also with so many clients is that we detach or disconnect from what our emotional needs are.

We don't even know.

We don't know.

And we just like,

Like you,

We live these,

What we look like high functioning adults,

But inside we're not so emotionally healthy functioning adults.

We're not,

We're,

We're,

We're not so high functioning from an emotional perspective.

So wow.

So a practice that you would do now is when you feel,

I like this dis ease.

So some sort of lack of ease in your life is an,

Is an indicator for you to stop what you're doing and tell us what,

What does that process look like?

So if someone's listening and it's never done this work before,

There's that word again,

I don't like work.

This connecting the inner self.

What would that,

Can you give them a hint of what that would look like?

Like what,

What can they do today right now in order to connect with that part that works really well for you?

I mean,

I think journaling is really big and powerful would be my go-to.

That's what I would do,

Especially if somebody hasn't done this work before,

Because it kind of gives you a place to put your thoughts,

Right?

And there's something really powerful when you put pen to paper,

Something really powerful.

And I would do,

I would do traditional notebook with pen or pencil or whatever you prefer,

Because there's just something cathartic about being able to do that.

And I would ask questions.

I would start with asking a question,

Either maybe begin with like,

How am I feeling right now?

And then if you can't get,

If you can't get to inner child right away,

Like with the first question and then,

But if you can,

Then just be like,

You know,

What does my young self need for me right now?

What would my young self need me to say to them right now?

Maybe start with that question.

Love that.

I love that.

You're such a big writer and I love to write too.

So it is such a beautiful way to connect is through writing.

And I've gotten in big debates with people over,

Just do it on your laptop or on your phone.

I'm like,

No,

There's something magical about pen to paper,

Isn't there?

It's just,

You're,

You're tapping into almost like another dimension.

You're really tapping into that unconscious mind in such a different way versus,

Not that typing on a computer is bad by any means,

And if that's your preference,

Go for it.

But there is something unique and different that happens with pen to paper.

I can't agree with you more on that one.

Oh my gosh.

So it changed so many things.

The other thing that you mentioned was worthiness.

That was a big one that you said,

Tell us a little bit about that.

How did that change for you?

Yeah.

I think getting to the bottom of some of my inner child stuff and really,

Like I said,

Releasing her,

Right?

My vision of her,

You know,

Whether we were in a car or not,

I mean,

Whatever,

It doesn't really matter.

It's a representation.

Like,

What did that mean for me?

Right.

It meant that I,

Like she was like strapped down,

Tied down,

No voice.

That was,

That was my brain or soul telling me,

This is what's happening with your little girl.

Like,

This is where this part of you is.

And what I realized is that,

You know,

If you're like pushed away,

Strapped down,

Can't talk,

Guess what?

You don't feel like you're very important.

Right.

Yeah.

So that little girl felt like she wasn't very important.

And so there was a part of me that felt like I wasn't very important and all of my decisions,

Every decision I made came out of that.

Yeah.

I'm not important.

I don't matter.

I don't matter.

Every,

And that,

That will inform,

That informed every thing I did.

It informed like who I married,

It informed who I worked for,

It informed my hobbies,

My friends,

It informs all of it.

And so starting that journey and getting her free really gave my adult self the power.

Right.

I got my power back.

Yeah.

I began to feel,

Yeah,

I began to feel worthy.

I began to feel important and understand that I am important and my needs are important.

And and that's my biggest work.

And it all started with inner child.

I love that.

And I say this all the time,

But this is so not a linear process because people used to ask me like,

Well,

How long will it take for them for me to build worthiness or build self-love?

If I start,

If I do this three times a day and you know what,

I'm like,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No.

I mean,

You can have one experience for 10 minutes with your inner child and it can change your life.

And then you have 25 more experiences with the inner child and it doesn't feel like much is happening,

But so much is happening on the inside.

And all of a sudden you start setting boundaries and it's like,

Where did that come from?

I don't know.

Why am I setting,

You know,

How do I even notice that a boundary?

Where did this come from?

I haven't even taken a class on this or I don't know anything about this,

But things start spontaneously happening when we do this work because it's an internal work that we're doing.

It's on the unconscious level and it's also conscious.

So there's so many beautiful things that happen when we do this work.

This was awesome.

Anything else you want to share?

Yeah.

I mean,

I don't think so.

I feel like it was good.

I mean,

There's so much more.

I mean,

This is,

Like you said,

It's not iterative.

I mean,

It's just,

It's kind of this ambiguous process and there is so much more,

But exciting work.

Yeah,

It really is.

Thank you so much for sharing.

So if somebody had further questions for you around this process,

Your process,

Or just want to look you up and get more info on you,

Where would they find you,

Sarah?

Two places.

I have a website,

Sarahstansberry.

Com.

I think you'll put it in the link.

And so there you can,

If you,

There's a link to my email,

You can feel free to send me an email if you'd like.

And then I'm also,

I write a sub stack called how to blow up your life and I publish weekly on that.

And so you can find me on sub stack as well.

Awesome.

Thank you so much for today.

I appreciate you being part of this.

Thank you,

Michelle.

I appreciate it too.

Welcome Jill Vinn,

One of our incredible coaches.

Again,

It's wonderful to have you.

Thank you so much for joining and being vulnerable today with us because it's,

It's,

It's really appreciated.

I love all these coaches coming on,

Sharing their inner child experiences.

So I appreciate you being here.

Grateful to be here.

Thank you.

So why don't you go ahead and share with us what was going on with your life,

Within your life that you then,

That then led you to inner child work.

So let's start there.

So for me,

I have lived a life that has felt very heavy.

I felt heavy with grief specifically,

And my father passed away when I was six.

And it seems like from that moment on,

I had a lot of regrets,

A lot of what ifs,

What if he was alive today,

How my life would have been better,

How it would have been different.

So just this heaviness,

This in my mind of,

I believed he was in heaven.

So here I was,

I have to be perfect.

He was perfect.

So I have to be perfect to be accepted.

A really strong inner critic came online at that time.

And I didn't have people in my life,

Adults in my life who saw me,

Who I could feel free to be open with my grief,

Who would nurture me,

Care for me.

And so really felt alone a lot of my life.

And this grief just stayed and stayed.

And I understand there's many layers that go along with that,

You know,

That compounded over the years.

But I always kept going to this,

This tie to my father.

And I have experienced with inner child this,

This understanding that our body holds so much of the memories and the history.

And I had been in talk therapy.

I mean,

I've been in therapy for many years before,

Before it was a thing that people would do.

And,

But it was this,

All these shoulds and if you just,

Because I felt depressed,

I was depressed for many,

Like almost two decades,

Decades,

Actually.

And I would,

If you would just,

If I just exercise,

Right.

If I just ate the right things,

If I just did this,

If I just did this.

So I had this long list that in my head,

I was like,

Well,

I know what I'm supposed to do,

But why don't I feel any better?

Right.

And so it wasn't until I connected with a therapist and therapists over the course of time,

Leading me to the adult chair specifically,

Where I began to understand that my my body has been holding on to this trauma,

Big and little trauma.

And that I,

I was actually the one who was probably the most emotionally abusive to myself growing up.

And so it was this like what I love about the adult chair and the work is that I had done work on releasing this energy,

But I never knew how to support myself.

I never understood that there's these little parts of me,

These beautiful children and who have,

I think,

Felt cast aside and neglected.

Like I felt abandoned ultimately by my father who left at a young age.

And it's like I was abandoning them again and again because I was turning away from them.

And so this work has has allowed me to comfort and support and to walk on these little jills that are part of me.

Very much alive inside of you.

Yes,

I love that.

So I have a yeah,

I can relate to that being in therapy for a very long time and not having a lot of traction there.

So when did you first discover the inner child?

Was it through adult chair kind of thing or was it somewhere else?

And what did you do specifically?

Yeah,

So I first discovered the adult chair or the inner child.

It was through the adult chair.

So I had experienced previously this release of energy and holding on,

But more connected to organs.

Yeah,

Right.

Got it.

So I understood muscle testing.

I understood I understood that there's this release and I would feel lighter and I'd be like,

Oh,

Give me more,

Give me more.

Right.

And so then I went to a live event in Nashville in twenty twenty two and found myself on stage,

Which I believe it's such a gift.

Like when you have this opportunity for me,

It's it's this gift to be able to have support because I lived in a world in a life growing up where I didn't feel supported or seen.

So for me.

Like to be held by a whole group of people and then you specifically,

Michelle,

Just it was this gift that was like me,

Me,

Please pick me over this part of me was probably saying me.

I want to be on stage.

I want support.

I want to be loved.

Yeah.

And so I experienced this really significant process,

I would say,

That started in Nashville and has continued for a couple of years of slowly making it safe for my inner children to be known and to be known to me.

And in Nashville is actually my four year old who came in and I say had the courage to be seen.

But but it's really my six year old over the years.

And it wasn't until this last few months where I connected with her for the first time while being in the master's program.

Wow.

Yeah.

So I did not know all this.

Yeah,

I honestly didn't know when you first experienced it.

I remember you jumping up on stage with me.

I remember that.

I did not know that was your first time.

So,

Wow.

Blown away right now.

Okay.

Yes,

But big stuff.

Yes.

And it's it's been life changing for me.

It's been life changing because for people,

Grief is experienced in so many different ways.

And there's not one way or that's right or wrong or whatever.

They're different.

And for me,

Mine is clung.

It is just clung to me.

It's this attachment.

It's become part of my identity.

Who am I if I'm not grieving?

Because it's been part of me for so long.

So I've been on this journey of who am I as as a positive outflow of this work.

And so this year I got to meet my little six year old.

And and actually,

As I was preparing for the conversation today,

I connected with her and I said.

Little girl,

You know,

Like you are worthy of being seen,

Because I knew I knew that we would be talking about her and I wanted to prepare her and let her know that it's safe and that I've got her and that I'll be I'll be sharing.

But what I did is I have a journal of of where I I said,

Here's what I know.

Right.

But why did you hide?

Why were you hiding for so long?

And when I got back,

You know,

And,

You know,

It's a mix of my words and hers.

So what a six year old would say.

But because I thought it was my fault that he left us and I thought that I wasn't good enough for his love.

Wow.

So I.

I didn't know this,

Michelle,

Until this year that I held this core,

Deep,

Deep belief that it was it was my fault that he left,

That I wasn't enough for him to stay.

And wow,

When you have this opportunity to connect with a part of you that's been holding this for so long and to say,

It's OK,

Come out of hiding,

Which she did.

And let me hold you.

Let me see you in this beautiful gift.

And so I and it's not and I've been able to process and get to know her both through my my own work,

That's the other thing I love about the adult chair is that previous to the knowing the adult chair,

I always depended on other coaches for my one session a week or every other week or once a month,

Whatever it was.

But I didn't know how to support myself in between.

So so here I'm saying,

OK,

So now I went to fact and truth.

I said,

Do you know the truth now?

And and so then I have this whole list of truths that dad and I loved each other so much that dad died because he was very sick,

That dad wanted to stay and be my dad,

That it wasn't my fault,

That he loved me and it's OK to cry.

I don't have to hide that God wasn't punishing me and that you can't love someone too much and ultimately that he didn't want to leave.

These are all,

Michelle,

We talk about limiting beliefs.

Yeah.

Every one of those I did not believe before I started this work.

That what you just said,

Because I'm imagining someone listening to this and what I think people forget is that when we're young,

Zero to six,

Zero to seven,

We lack discernment.

So what you just said,

All those truths,

They are true.

But to a little kid,

It's not true.

And that's what happens when we have these.

That's a big trauma that you had losing a parent at such a young age.

And when we're little,

We don't process it the way that adults process it.

So I can imagine that over the years,

People probably said a lot of those things to you that you just listed off,

But they didn't sink in.

It's like your living chin up and your head goes,

Your mind goes,

Yeah,

That's true.

But there's no shift.

But when you do the inner child work,

It brings us into the body.

It brings us back where the trauma happened,

Which was six years old and lets us repair there,

Which then creates this domino effect.

It's like all the way to the present moment,

Jill.

And then those truths get locked in as updated new beliefs and the limiting beliefs then start to go away.

Yes.

Yeah.

So it's really beautiful because now I have these,

I have these truths.

And when like story comes into play,

I have a day where,

I mean,

I know what it feels like to be slipping into that moment of depression.

And I know what it feels like and how to stop myself at the top.

And I can now go back and I can test like,

OK,

I know I'm worthy.

Yes.

I've locked this in.

Yeah,

I've locked this in.

And because I know I'm worthy X,

Y and Z,

Right,

Whatever is going on in my life.

But it keeps coming back to being worthy for me.

So if someone's listening right now and they're relating to your story,

You know,

They might have had some sort of trauma or death or a loss or they're stuck in grief.

Many,

Many,

Many humans,

We get stuck in our grief.

What's a process that you can give to them that was helpful for you or connecting with the inner child?

Can you break it way down?

You mentioned journaling.

So you do journaling.

Is there anything else that you do?

Like some people don't even know how to quote unquote check in.

So do you want to break something down for the listeners?

Yes.

And I will tell you,

It was not safe to journal,

Emotionally safe to journal until just in the last year.

So there was something that just didn't feel safe.

It doesn't matter how much I could hide it.

It doesn't matter if I just having my emotions and expressing myself.

So journaling is where I I've gone today,

But that's not I've been.

Yeah.

So for me,

I had no idea how much I wasn't feeling.

I had no idea.

And so for me,

It has been a process of connecting to my body.

And so like right now,

I can feel my body like it's I can feel it like,

Well,

OK,

So here,

Let's do it.

Right.

So I feel my body shifting in energy.

Like it feels it feels a bit like tingly,

Like anxiety.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like I'm cold and I'm not cold.

Right.

So for me,

So there's something here.

I'm getting closer to something.

And to me,

I welcome this at this point.

I welcome this because I have this opportunity to say,

OK,

And this is what I do with any client I work with.

We're establishing safety.

Yeah,

I can breathe.

I can feel my chair.

I can feel my feet.

And so I start to to do what we call and you talk about grounding,

Like I'm having this response and I'm still OK.

I'll say,

Yeah.

And then I can sit here and I if I feel it like I might feel it right now,

I feel it most of my chest.

I'll actually put my hands on my chest and breathe in deep and I'll say,

I've got you.

Mm hmm.

And usually I close my eyes and I will ask,

What do you need me to know?

So are you tuning in specifically to your inner child right now when you ask that question?

Well,

Sometimes I don't know if it's my inner child for.

Yeah,

That's the key.

Yes.

Right.

So I'm right.

So there's many different questions.

So because I've already in this conversation with you,

It's a little different.

But if I were to start from the beginning,

I might just start with feelings.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What are you feeling?

I get nervous and I listen,

You know,

I feel nervous.

OK,

I got you.

And I and I just do this for myself and this reassuring process.

And there's also worry there.

Mm hmm.

I'm just tuning in.

And as I'm doing this,

I feel a shift slowly,

Just a subtle shift in my heart space.

Yeah.

And I and I do get this.

So I know there's more.

There's something below worry.

So I'll sit.

And this is interesting to do this in the setting with you.

But yeah,

Because it feels it does feel very personal.

It is.

Yeah.

And it's vulnerable.

And I really appreciate you doing this.

It's very brave.

Yeah.

So I did get the word scared,

Scared of being seen.

So I'm OK,

Scared of what?

And then I'll get I'll get just this.

I don't know where it's coming from.

Scared of being seen.

Scared that I'll cry.

And so as I said that,

As I started to connect with that,

I could feel an emotion which lets me know that I'm tapping into something closer.

So if if sometimes my throat will tighten up,

I'll have a different shift.

So scared to cry because it's because in here I'm going to cry.

And that's how I know that this is.

Because.

I think.

This younger part feels ashamed,

Ashamed that they're still so sad.

And so what is happening right now is I'm starting to feel as if I'm six.

I feel very young.

I can tell I can hear because I'm tuned in.

I can tell my voice shifts.

And so for me,

It's like I become her.

Then I am looking at those truths right now.

And I say one of those is it's OK to cry.

And so and I just what I would do is allow for the tears to flow because it is sad to lose someone.

And I want for those of you that are not on YouTube watching,

It's just so beautiful,

Jill,

What I'm what I'm witnessing right now is someone that is taking such good care of themselves.

It has so much,

So much compassion for themselves.

You're caretaking for you.

And we as humans are not great at that.

But you are.

I'm watching you.

And I'm so impressed right now because you slowed yourself down and you just turned inward and checked in.

And I don't know many humans that do that.

Most humans,

We get lost in the head and in story.

Oh,

Well,

I'm doing this because of this.

And the energy starts moving fast.

Our thoughts start moving fast.

But I'm watching you slow yourself down.

And I'm inviting anyone and everyone that's listening to do this.

Slow down and get curious and go to YouTube and watch this because it was so beautiful.

This is what humans need to learn how to do.

Slow down and drop your attention deeper inside of yourself and check in with you.

What's going on?

How do I feel?

And.

There was no judgment around,

I feel sad,

I feel this,

I feel tears.

Beautiful.

We have to go through these things in order to come out the other side.

And when you come out the other side,

It doesn't mean you're never going to feel tears or sadness or pain.

Right.

I don't stay in it.

Another piece of this that is really a key learning that I had is that I didn't know it was safe to slow down.

I just I had this realization through the inner child work that I I was afraid to nap.

And I believe,

Which is so common that we probably I was probably heard that my dad was just resting or he was just taking a long nap or he was peaceful.

Right.

I saw him and it looked like he was just sleeping.

So for me,

Part of this journey has also been uncovering this realization that to rest hasn't felt safe either.

Self-care hasn't felt safe because if I slow down,

Well,

That in this little six year old mind.

Was part of letting go and and passing on.

Yeah.

Wow.

So people just say,

Just slow down,

Just sit,

Just be.

And I and I and I did.

I did.

I did.

And then I had this moment of like,

Oh,

I'm afraid to rest.

Yeah.

Wow.

So thank you for all of what you just showed us.

It's really beautiful.

And it again echoes that.

Life and our journey,

Our healing process,

It is a journey.

It is a journey.

It's not one and done.

And it's the word that comes to me is it's like an unfolding,

Like a lotus flower or a beautiful rose that just opens and wide.

And that's what you're doing.

And it's just lovely.

Thank you for this.

One final question for you.

So how is your life different now?

So you mentioned two years ago you came to the inner child,

The inner child.

You came to my live event that we did in Nashville.

Right.

And actually it was two years ago in November,

Two years ago.

How now since doing and that's when we cracked open your inner child on stage.

So in the last two years,

How is your life different now when it comes to your grief,

When it comes to depression,

When it comes to the way you used to live two years ago compared to now?

Give us a few words around that.

What's different because of this work?

Yeah,

I notice more and much more aware.

I am I'm someone who's always been on a journey towards towards betterment of growth.

And so that,

Like you said,

It's that's ongoing.

That will I don't that will never stop for me.

But I notice more of when I'm I don't know if the word slipping,

But when I am going back into old patterns that are comfortable,

I feel safe,

Even though they're not healthy for me.

Yeah,

They feel safe there.

I'm really familiar with them.

And so over the last two years,

I really do believe I've been reprogramming and reprogramming a lot,

A lot around and specifically with grief,

Being open to receive love,

Because I do believe.

And as I say,

This is I do believe when I hit a truth,

I feel that emotion.

So I know.

Yeah,

I know it's true.

Yeah,

I do believe that I've closed my heart.

And so because it hurt so bad that I I was right six going on seven.

So I know we're talking about an inner child,

But that seven year old came in like within months and protected me.

Yeah.

And protected this little girl.

And so he passed away in January.

I turned seven in May.

And so I believe I've had this protection over my heart.

And the way I view relationships is I if I if I give too much,

If I'm too open to receive,

I also risk losing.

So the work that I've done in particular is around being open to receive and to trust,

To trust journey that I'm on in more ways than I've ever before.

Just keep trusting that I'm worthy of love.

If I am open to receive,

I'll have a fuller life in the present because I've lived so much of my life in the past and the future.

And so I'm my work is to notice when this is happening and come back to the present.

Beautiful.

Thank you.

Thank you for all of this.

I really appreciate everything you just shared today.

And if someone had a question for you around your process,

Around how you do inner child work and,

You know,

Very specifically or even to work with you as a coach,

Whatever it might be,

How would someone find you to learn more?

So I have a website,

JillVin.

Com.

And so it's Jill,

J-I-L-L.

Vin is V as in Victor,

Y-N as in Nancy.

Com.

So JillVin.

Com.

We'll add it to show notes.

Thank you so much for being with us today and for sharing your experience.

I appreciate it.

It's an honor.

She's worthy of being seen.

Amen to that.

Thank you,

Sister.

All right,

Everybody,

I hope that you enjoyed that show today.

I know I did.

I mean,

Let me tell you what the vulnerability.

I know you saw it today that happened with these women was just beautiful.

So if you'd like to learn more about them,

Check out the show notes.

And also don't forget,

Come join me on October 12th.

I'm doing a live interactive training on the inner child,

Whether you're somebody that is brand new to inner child work or someone that has been doing this for a long time.

We're doing this interactive training.

You also get a very,

Very robust workbook that has inner child scripts that has inner child prompts.

You get meditations.

There's so much that you get with this course.

It will truly take you on a deeper journey into your inner child,

And I will teach you all the different ways that you can work with your inner child.

So check that out at MichelleShelfant.

Com or slash inner child.

And I'm so excited to see you there.

And if you happen to miss it and you can't attend on that day,

It will all be recorded and you still have access to it.

So even if you're listening this after October 12th,

Come check it out.

MichelleShelfant.

Com or slash inner child.

That's all I've got for you guys today.

So I will be seeing you next week sitting right here in the adult chair.

Have a beautiful week,

Everybody.

Reviews

So helpful and enlightening.

💚

Oh my gosh! I SO related to Jill! So many notes 📝 Thank you Michelle