How To Make Peace With Your Past

In this Talk, I’m giving you three common reasons we get stuck in the past and six ways to make peace with your past and start living in the present moment. You will gain a new perspective on your past and learn to reframe it so you can rewire your brain to live without regret.

Listen to discover:
3 reasons we get stuck in the past (and what to do about them)
Why living in present reality is so much better than past reality
How to reframe how you think about your past
6 ways to make peace with your past

Transcript

Hello to all of my Insight Timer friends.

My name is Michele Chalfant and I'm delighted that you're here with me today.

Welcome to my latest talk.

And as always,

After the show,

I love to hear your comments.

So make sure you leave a comment so I know how you liked it.

We'll talk soon and here we go with the latest episode.

Today on the show,

I'm going to talk with you about peace and how do we find peace when it feels out of reach?

Here's the thing.

I asked the question and I asked this on occasion,

I said,

What do you guys want to hear?

What do you want to learn about,

Et cetera?

And boy,

I got a lot of great podcast topics that you all wanted to hear.

And someone wrote in and asked this question and there were others that had similar questions around this.

And she said,

How do we make peace with our past so it doesn't constantly trouble us?

And I said,

Oh,

That's a good one.

So how do we make peace with our past so it doesn't constantly bubble up,

Trouble us,

Get in the way,

Et cetera?

And I thought,

Boy,

Can I relate to that?

And I know so many of you can as well.

So I've got six ways that we are able to move into the moment and out of the past and make peace with the past because as people say to us,

Oh,

Just let it go.

Move on.

As you know,

We cannot do that.

It's hard.

For some reason,

It's hard and it's harder for some of us than others.

But I've got six ways to really help you to step into the moment so you can free yourself from your past.

So we're going to jump right into that right now.

One of the reasons that I really loved this is that this topic is that over the years,

First of all,

I personally relate to it,

But also,

You know,

Over the years as a therapist and a coach,

Gosh,

Almost 20 years,

I had so many clients come in and when something would happen in their past,

Like many years ago,

Maybe six,

Six,

Six months ago,

And sometimes it was even 30 years ago,

They'd come in and say things like,

Why did I make that mistake?

Why did I make that decision?

I thought that was a good idea,

But clearly it wasn't.

Why would I ever think it was a great idea,

Et cetera,

Et cetera.

Even like,

What was I thinking?

Why did I ever do that?

And there's such a beating up on self.

And what we forget when it comes to this kind of thing is that the decision that we made in that moment,

I don't care how old you were,

I don't care if it was three days ago or three years ago or 30 years ago,

The person that we were in that moment,

We were showing up the very,

Very best that we could in that moment.

That's just how it is.

Humans do that.

We just do that.

We do our best.

When we're beating up on ourselves from when we were 15 years old and we're now 40,

It's just in a way it's not fair because gosh,

Think about the wisdom that you have now,

The maturity that you have now and that you didn't have in your past,

However long ago that was.

So just consider that.

What I want to remind you is this is not a time to beat up on yourself,

To judge yourself,

To blame yourself or other.

This is about really cleaning up this,

Let me say it like this,

The connection to your past.

It's not cleaning up your past,

It's cleaning up the connection that you're having to or with your past so you can live more presently,

More in this moment because this moment is where you find more ease,

More joy,

More peace.

That's where we're going.

The second thing that I hear or heard a lot of is perhaps someone hurt you in the past.

Then we of course have thoughts and self-talk like,

Why would they do that to me?

Why are they so mean?

What were they thinking?

Et cetera,

Et cetera,

Et cetera.

I've had that happen to me many times.

This is just part of being human.

What I want to remind you around this one is we will never have the answer to these questions.

We can sit and ask ourselves these questions all day long.

You don't know what was in that person's head at the time.

You don't know what they were thinking.

You don't know what their motivation was.

We can guess.

As I've said before,

97% of the time our assumptions are incorrect.

We don't know what drives people to do what they do.

I'm going to say this though,

A lot of times it's the wounded child pushing through and making people do things or suggesting that we do things or et cetera.

My point is this is a very young version of self that makes people do things that are not in their adult chair because they can't do it.

They're not in their adult.

Another thing that happens with us in the past,

Sometimes people die and we cannot move on.

We're stuck in grief.

Again,

There's a lot of grief around these kinds of things,

Whether it be someone has died,

There's a divorce,

So many things.

You can fill in the blank with this.

This is not an easy one.

It's just not.

What we want to remind ourselves with this again is that if this person is not here and you're still thinking about them after a long time,

Years and years,

And you're having a hard time moving forward,

Remember that you are still here and that you have a life.

You can have a full,

Rich life and it doesn't mean you have to sever the memories of that person that you lost or the animal.

My goodness,

I even have a hard time with some of my dogs that have died.

I still think about them as well as the humans that I've lost.

Things that happened in our past,

No matter if it's a death or again,

Someone has done something to us or we made mistakes,

It can be difficult to move on,

But it's possible.

It's absolutely possible and that's what I'm going to talk to you about right now.

So I've got six steps for you and they don't have to be in order.

They're just ideas on how you can pull yourself out of the past and bring yourself into the present moment.

Honest to God,

This is true.

When we move into the present moment reality,

And I use the word reality because it is a different reality than we are in the past,

Especially when we're in the past with really unhappy feelings or feelings of anger or feelings of blame and all of these things.

So when we live in the moment,

It's a much different reality.

It's almost as if the world opens up.

In fact,

When we're in the moment and not in the past,

Our perspective does open.

It gets bigger,

Broader.

We have new ideas that can come to us.

If we're in the moment versus in the past,

In the past we have a very limited reality.

We have a limited scope of what's possible.

Living in the past is like having an anchor tied around our waist trying to move forward.

It's pretty darn difficult.

It's really difficult.

It's heavy and sometimes it feels impossible if we're tired.

We just can't drag that anchor along,

But that's what it's like when we're in the past.

So here we go.

So let's talk about how do we move forward into the moment.

Number one,

We really want to get honest and look straight on at the past and get clear.

So this is all about clarity is number one and really honestly look at it.

Look at all of it.

What happened?

What did not happen?

What do you wish had happened?

Get radically honest with yourself around all of it.

And what was your part?

Did you have a part in it?

Did you set a boundary?

Did you not set a boundary?

Did you say something or do something or not say something and not do?

Whatever it is,

This is not a time to beat up on yourself or anybody else.

This is just a time to look at the facts and to get really radically honest with everything,

All the facts,

All the things that happened,

All the people involved.

And then what we want to do with that is start to work through it.

What I mean by working through it is we've got to process it.

Oftentimes when we have something that happens in our past,

We don't want to look at it.

We want to leave it in the past and we're just angry about it or we don't want to look at it.

We're just going to blame so-and-so or we don't want to look at it.

We're going to not forgive.

We're just going to carry around the anchor and that's all there is to it.

If you want to move forward,

It's your choice,

But if you want to move forward,

You've got to process that.

You've got to process whatever the heck happened.

That might look like journaling.

Journaling is amazing if you like to write.

So you just take out your journal and then you start writing and you put at the top,

This is what happened or this is what I did or this is what didn't happen or this is who passed away or whatever it is and let your hand write.

What happens when we journal,

We are connecting in with our unconscious mind and when we tap into that part of us,

Oh my goodness,

Magic happens and it just starts flowing right through our pen under the paper.

So processing with journaling,

Powerful.

We can also process by talking.

So this is a way that I love to process.

I love to journal too,

But for me,

When I've got something going on,

I love,

Love,

Love,

To go ahead and just talk it out.

And here's the thing that we don't want when we're,

We are in process.

We don't want anyone else's recommendations.

We don't want anyone else telling us what they would do,

What we should do,

What we should have done,

All that stuff that doesn't matter because what we're doing actually is moving energy through whether we're journaling or talking and having someone just sit and listen and witness us talking,

Talking it through is incredibly powerful and can be very healing.

It's in fact,

One of the most powerful things we can do for another human.

So whether you're the person that's listening or not,

Absolutely find someone that you can sit down and say,

Hey,

Can you just listen to me?

And I've talked about this on other shows.

What you want to do is create what I call a setup or a scene.

So for example,

I'll say to my husband,

I need to process something.

I need you to sit down.

You have to give them direction or they're going to chime in.

Right?

So I'll say,

I need you to sit down.

I need you to listen to me.

I'm going to talk to you about X.

I don't want to hear anything from you.

And it's going to be so helpful for me just if you could witness me.

And he says,

Okay.

And I'll say,

Please don't chime in.

Okay.

And then I just go,

Sometimes I rant.

Sometimes I'm angry.

Sometimes I'm crying.

Sometimes I'm just talking,

Whatever it is,

Whatever emotions come through,

That's perfect because it's actually moving me forward.

What I'm giving you today are ways to move you forward into the moment.

And that is a brilliant way that you can do it.

Number two,

Speaking of emotions,

Number two is feeling your emotions.

So when we don't feel our emotions around something,

Guess what?

It keeps us stuck.

You have to ask yourself what emotions are coming up around this.

When we block our emotions,

We're blocking ourselves.

So feeling our emotions keeps us in this fluid state,

This fluid state,

And it helps us to move into the moment.

You've got to give yourself permission to drop in and feel.

And I just put out a podcast,

August 24th,

I think it was number 381,

It was all around how to feel your negative emotions.

And when I say that it means pain,

It means sadness,

All of the things.

So if you need to learn how to feel your emotions,

Go back and listen to that one.

But yeah,

Feeling your emotions is really powerful.

And if you don't know what's coming up around that event,

Just get curious.

You've got to create a space to drop into yourself and get curious about what might be coming up around it,

Okay?

Around this feeling,

Around this thing that happened in your past,

What is it?

Give yourself the space to feel and that will help you slide into the moment.

Number three,

Forgiveness.

Listen,

Forgiveness is not about anybody but you.

Forgiveness releases the hold the experience and or the person has on you.

So let me say that again.

Forgiveness releases the hold that the past has on you,

Whether it be an event or a person or something you did,

You are so linked in the past when you don't forgive.

And forgiveness is not just for forgiving yourself,

It could be forgiving another person,

It could be forgiving someone that passed away,

Again,

Anything at all.

It doesn't let anyone off the hook,

It frees you.

And I have had so many people say that to me,

If I forgive them,

They're going to get away with it.

No,

They're not.

No,

They're not.

This is for that person to live with and deal with on their own.

But if you're carrying around an anchor of anger,

An anchor of blame against someone else,

It hurts you.

So if you want to move forward and feel lighter and brighter and live in the moment,

You've got to put the anchor down.

Forgiveness is one way to put the anchor down of anger,

Of blame,

Of shame,

Of all the things.

It truly is a release of energy to help you to live in the moment.

And I want to remind you,

When you're doing this forgiveness exercise,

If you made a decision that wasn't brilliant or that you're upset about or that you're shaming yourself over from the past,

Step into the age that you were when you made the decision.

And then ask yourself,

Am I different now?

Do I know more now?

Could I have done the same thing now?

So remember,

Because what humans do is we tend to judge ourselves from today's perspective on a much younger version of self,

And we didn't have the wisdom or the knowledge.

We didn't have all that,

Yet we judge ourselves as if we did.

And that's just not fair to ourselves.

And do that even with other people.

Maybe they're not emotionally mature.

Maybe they have no idea how to live from their adult chair like you do.

So this is something we absolutely want to do.

And we want to do it really well to free ourselves and drop that anchor.

Another thing,

Number four,

Is a cutting cord meditation.

Now,

I created this many years ago,

And people still write in and talk about how much that they love it.

So what happens is we're energetically connected to other humans.

And what happens is when we have yucky experiences with another human,

And even if they're not bad experiences,

We just want to cut the cords.

Because what happens is when we connect with another,

We're connected energetically with them.

And we need to cut the cords in order to move forward.

And when we cut the cords with another person,

It doesn't mean necessarily that we're ending the relationship.

What it means is I'm cutting away the dysfunction.

Think about pruning a rose bush or a shrub or something outside,

Pruning flowers.

You cut things back in the fall.

We do the pruning.

So when you cut the cords,

You're pruning away the energetic cords with that person that were dysfunctional.

So I will put that in the show notes,

The cutting cord meditation.

It is such a powerful meditation to help you to,

Again,

Break free from the past and break free from someone that is holding you down,

That unhealthy connection that you have with another person.

Again,

It does not mean you're ending the relationship.

You're cutting away the dysfunction you have with that person.

Okay.

All right.

Number five,

What we want to do is come into the moment and practice redirecting our thoughts into the moment.

So what happens is when we get in the habit of going back and beating up on ourselves or being mad about someone else,

Et cetera,

Et cetera,

What we do is we form these neural pathways and they are not healthy.

It's like we set the roadmap in our brains to go back and beat up on self and go back and blame another or go back and be angry.

And it's like this loop that we can do.

So if you're doing a lot of that and you can't seem to get yourself out of your past and you keep going back and blaming yourself and you're absolutely living without peace there,

What you want to do is find what I call a go-to thought.

So we're going to redirect into a new thought and create a new roadway in order for you to then rewire your brain so that you think of something else.

So what's a go-to thought?

It is a thought that makes you feel neutral or good.

So for example,

For me,

When I'm doing this process,

I'll think about,

I always have the same one.

I grew up on a lake up in Rochester and every summer I had my favorite raft and I would go on out to the end of the dock and I'd jump in the lake and I would go just lay in this raft all day and not all day,

Every day,

But a lot of days.

It was a silver raft.

It was like clear on top.

I can see it so clearly right now.

And it would make that like when you're rubbing on plastic,

I can hear myself like flipping over front to back.

I can hear it.

You get really mindful with this go-to thought.

So I go there.

At the end,

I go to the lake,

I get on my silver raft and I close my eyes and I'm laying in the sun and I've got my boombox.

I'm a child of the eighties and seventies,

So we had boomboxes.

I'd put at the end of the dock and I would sit and I listen to my music.

So when I'm in a loop that doesn't serve me,

That's negative,

I actually create and I go to this new thought,

My go-to thought,

And guess what?

My whole body relaxes and I let go of that thought.

And what I've done is I've rewired my pathways in my brain so that I stopped going to when I beat myself up about fill in the blank,

Right?

I was someone that spent a lot of time in regret.

This has changed my life alone.

This one thing,

Finding my go-to thought.

And every time I would think about the thing that I regretted from my past that I was beating myself up on,

I'm like,

Oops,

I'm going to the lake on the raft.

I would feel the sun on my skin.

I would hear the raft.

I would hear the music.

I would feel myself flip over,

You know,

Front to back.

I could put my hands in the water right now and I can tell you what it feels like.

Do that.

So use every sense that you have in order to bring yourself into the moment,

Into this go-to thought.

That helps cut the thinking that you do when you loop into the past.

Okay.

The last one I've got for you guys is a,

Are there a couple of different rituals that we can do to cut our ties with the past?

Number one,

Burning ceremony.

What do you want to burn?

Fire is transformational.

So do a burning ceremony around whatever the heck it is that you want to not think about anymore in the past.

Or what do you want to let go?

What do you want to forgive?

You can take your forgiveness letter and burn it.

Okay.

Write down what you want to move beyond and burn it.

Number two,

Water.

I love when I take an object like a stone and I sit with it and I put it up to my heart and I put all my thoughts and emotions in it and I thank that stone for absorbing every thought and emotion that's holding me into the past or tying me into the past.

And I hurl that thing in the water and I say to myself,

My intention is with this stone is part of my past and that connection in the past that is keeping me stuck and hurl the stone into the lake or river,

The ocean,

Whatever the heck you want to do.

That is a powerful,

Powerful exercise.

I do that.

Um,

I've done that often with my coaching classes and oh my goodness,

They love it.

And there is a freedom when we do an action like this.

The last one I have for you guys is a bath.

I love nothing more than jumping in the bath with some sea salt.

You can dump some essential oils in there and even some herbs.

And while you're in there,

You're going to have an intention or a prayer to cleanse yourself and your energy field from the past and you're going to commit to the moment.

Remember when we are going to the past,

It means we're just in the,

We are in a habitual thinking around it.

So bring yourself into the moment,

Enjoy the bath.

But a lot of these herbs,

Essential oils,

Even different crystals you can put right in the bathtub that help you to anchor yourself into the moment.

Okay.

So there you've got,

I've got six ways for you to cut the cords with the past,

Bring yourself into the moment.

And so you can now live with greater peace.

Thank you so much for joining me today.

I wish you a beautiful week and I'll see you next week for the next show.

Reviews

Such wonderful and practical tools! Thank you 🙏🏽

This is so helpful & exactly what I needed. Thank you.

Thank you for the reminder: we aren’t that person any longer.