How To Build Trust In Your Relationship

In this Talk, I’m giving you six ways to build trust so you can grow your relationship with your partner. These are small, simple actions, but they require awareness, intention and being in your Adult Chair to do consistently.

If you want a long-lasting, deeper connection with your partner, this episode is a must listen!

Listen to discover:
What trust in a relationship is and why it's so important
How trust deepens the bond in a committed relationship
6 steps to build trust today
The importance of being true to your word
How to own and apologize for mistakes and move forward
How to show up with presence and prioritize your relationship

Transcript

Hello to all of my Insight Timer friends.

My name is Michelle Chalfant and I'm delighted that you're here with me today.

Welcome to my latest talk.

And as always,

After the show,

I love to hear your comments.

So make sure you leave a comment so I know how you liked it.

We'll talk soon.

And here we go with the latest episode.

Hello everybody.

And welcome to the adult chair podcast,

Where we talk all about how to live as healthy adults,

Right?

That's what the adult chair is all about.

My name is Michelle Chalfant and I'm so happy to be here with you guys this week to talk with you about building trust.

Today we're going to talk about how do you build trust in relationships?

How do you do that?

Let me just tell you,

Trust is one of the essential components to a healthy,

Committed relationship.

It's what the relationship needs.

It's a foundation for a healthy relationship.

So I'm going to be talking with you all about this today,

And we are going to jump right into it.

We're going to talk about about six different qualities and,

And different things to apply within the relationship so that you too can build trust and really strengthen the foundation of your relationship with your beloved.

So here we go.

Number one,

The first and one of them,

Again,

These are all so important,

But one of the first,

Um,

Very important qualities to building trust in a relationship is that you are true to your word.

So that means this,

If I say to you,

I'm going to do something,

It means I line up with my word.

It means that you can count on me to show up.

So if I say to you from little things like,

Um,

Yes,

Of course I will grab your dry cleaning on the way home.

We have that party tonight and I know how important that is.

I'm going to make sure that I prioritize getting that dry cleaning.

Or if I say to you,

Um,

Yes,

Of course I would love to go on vacation.

Let me plan that out.

We can go away for the weekend of the cabin this coming weekend.

I'll take care of that.

And then here comes Thursday or Friday and your partner's asking you,

Hey,

What time are we leaving for the,

For our weekend?

And you say,

What,

What do you mean?

I,

Oh,

I didn't plan that.

It's like,

Wait a minute.

You told me you were going to plan it.

So if we're going to speak something,

Speak and promise something to our partner,

We want to make sure that we are able to line up behind what we're saying,

What we're speaking,

What we're promising.

If I say to you,

Hey,

I really want to work on our relationship.

Let's start meeting every day.

You guys have heard me talk about my husband and I do a coffee chat on,

On Sunday mornings.

So if I say to you,

Hey,

Let's start meeting every weekend,

Sunday morning at 10 o'clock.

And you say,

Yes,

Of course I'd love to do that.

And then guess what?

If I all of a sudden at 10 Oh five decide,

Oh,

Or I had forgotten,

Let's say,

Or I had made other plans or I'm too tired and I don't want to.

And my partner's coming to me saying,

Wait,

Where are you?

I thought we were meeting for the coffee chat and I go,

Yeah,

I just didn't feel like doing it anymore.

Sorry.

Yeah.

Not really interested.

No,

No,

No,

No,

No.

So if you're going to speak something into existence,

You have to speak it with your full energy and with you behind it,

100%.

So be true to your word,

Show up when you say you're going to show up,

Do what you promise that you're going to do.

If you say,

I'm going to pick up the kids on Thursday for you,

You put it in your calendar and you pick up those kids.

Okay.

So your actions need to match your words.

And if you can't promise it,

If you can't line up behind it,

Then don't,

Don't speak it.

Okay.

And by the way,

Just want to say this,

It does not mean you have to be perfect.

There are certainly some things that I've promised and guess what I forget or I get distracted and it's not in my calendar,

Boom,

It's out of my head.

So I certainly have made mistakes,

But more times than not,

If we're going to speak something and promise something,

We want to be true to our word.

We want to line up behind it and show up and speak whatever it is that we are promising.

Okay.

We're going to show up.

So number two,

Speaking of mistakes,

Number two is we own our mistakes.

Okay.

Now,

If you want to build trust again,

It does not mean you have to be perfect.

You're sometimes going to make mistakes.

The thing is,

Is you want to own it and say,

You know what,

I know that I had said I had suggested to meet with you every Sunday morning and do that coffee chat.

You know what?

It just totally,

It slipped my mind.

That's on me.

Can we try again next Sunday?

Just own it.

It does not mean you're a bad person.

It does not mean you have to shame yourself.

It does not mean you have to judge yourself.

Just own it.

It just,

It takes the power.

It like diffuses an argument.

It shows that you are showing up as being human.

Like this is what we do as humans.

Sometimes we make mistakes.

It's perfectly okay.

What we don't want to do is flip it and put it back on our partner.

So we don't want to say,

Hey,

I will pick up your dress because I know you've got that.

We're going to a party Friday night.

And then guess what?

You get home from work.

You didn't pick up my dress.

What you don't want to do is say,

Well,

Hey,

You know,

You,

You weren't that busy today.

Why didn't you just grab it?

Why are you putting everything on me?

All that stuff.

No,

No,

No,

No,

No.

You just want to own it and say,

Wow,

You're right.

I didn't do it.

It slipped my mind or I didn't put my calendar or I just,

I just completely forgot or I was distracted at work.

I had to stay late at work.

It's all on me.

That's it.

Don't deflect.

Don't project.

Don't defend.

Just own it.

Okay.

Again,

Owning it does not mean that you're a bad person.

You're a human person and mistakes are going to happen.

Next one is number three.

So if you have made a mistake,

You apologize.

Just apologize.

When you've hurt someone,

Whether it's intentional or not,

It does not matter.

You still want and need to apologize in order to build trust.

So you say something like this,

I didn't mean to hurt you,

Right?

I'm so sorry,

Period.

What you don't want to say is I didn't mean to hurt you.

Why do I have to apologize?

It was unintentional.

I've had many people ask me this question over the years.

Well,

What if it was unintentional?

What if it was truly just a mistake?

Didn't mean to hurt you.

Why do I have to apologize?

Because you still hurt the person that you've committed to in this relationship.

If you want to build trust and you're in a committed relationship,

Apologizing is powerful.

It helps to build a connection.

It helps your person to trust you.

And again,

It diffuses an argument.

It's like,

There's nothing to argue over.

I made a mistake.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry I hurt you.

I'm sorry I forgot to do this.

I'm sorry for whatever it is.

Now what we don't want to do is flip it and over apologize for things.

When you really own the apology,

There's an energy that's in there and your partner will feel that from you.

They'll get it.

So very solidly apologize.

This is what healthy adults do.

It's okay to own your mistakes.

It does not mean you're a bad person.

Please don't feel that way.

All humans make mistakes.

What humans a lot of times are not great at,

We're not great at apologizing.

We're not great at owning it,

But we in the adult chair here,

This is what we do in order to be healthy adults in healthy relationships and where we're building trust.

Number four,

I'm able to listen well and be present with you when you're speaking.

So this is all about listening well.

We live in this day and age of phones,

Of laptops,

Of iPads,

Of all the things.

I've been out to dinner and out with friends enough times and even family that when,

And I've probably done it too,

That when someone's speaking to me,

I'll do one of these with my phone in my hand saying,

Hold on one second,

I'm just going to,

I got to return this text.

And someone's in the middle of talking to me.

It's horrible.

It is,

It does not feel good to the person on the other side.

It does not build trust.

It does not make the person that you're sitting with feel like that you've got them.

And when we are in a committed relationship,

One where we want to build trust,

We want them to feel like,

Gosh,

I've got you and I'm here with you.

Now it doesn't mean that you can never text or you can never answer your phone or anything like that.

But if I'm saying something to you,

That's important.

If you are my person,

I'm going to stop what I'm doing and I'm going to turn and I'm going to look at you.

I actually just did that with my son the other day.

He was in the middle of,

He says,

Hey mom,

I need to tell you something.

I was in the middle of texting someone back and I looked at him and I said,

Of course,

Give me one minute.

And I was still texting.

And then I put my phone down and I turned toward him and I said,

What do you want to talk to me about?

And I gave him my full attention.

And while we were speaking,

The person that I texted,

Texted me back.

I did not look at my phone.

And that's so hard for us now in this day and age with our phones.

And when we have important people in our lives,

We need to put the phone down,

Not look at the television,

Not get distracted by the dog or the cat or the animal in your house.

We want to make sure that we're prioritizing our person and giving them our full attention and we're listening well.

When we listen well,

Not only am I not distracted,

But I'm giving them eye contact.

The other thing that I'm going to do is I'm not going to defend or fix them.

I'm just listening.

I'm just being present with them and hearing what they have to say.

And at the end,

I might say something like,

Wow,

Thank you so much for sharing that or wow,

Thank you.

OK.

And you'll know when the conversation is done.

Then you can go back to whatever you're doing.

If you're in the kitchen and you're cooking with your partner or whatever you're doing,

Then you can go back to doing that.

But if they're sharing something of importance or relative importance,

You want to stop.

Even if you guys are like side by side in the kitchen,

You're chopping veggies,

You're getting dinner ready.

If they're saying something of relative importance,

You want to stop what you're doing,

Turn toward them and give them eye contact.

We need to give our person eye contact when we're listening because then they're going to feel seen and they're going to feel heard.

They feel important.

It feels so good and it builds the bridge of trust and deeper connection.

It makes us feel like,

Wow,

My person really gets me.

I'm so connected to this person.

I so care about this person.

Again,

I don't care if you're dating,

If you're married,

It doesn't really matter.

Like I said,

I even did it with my son.

It just feels so good for that person.

So it does build a deeper connection with them.

So important to listen and listen well without distraction.

Okay.

All right.

Number five,

We want to prioritize our person.

This is a biggie,

You guys.

That means I prioritize my person first and above all things,

I show up for them no matter what.

They are my person.

I'm going to put them first.

If you want to be in a committed relationship,

This is a requirement.

It absolutely builds trust and deepens that connection with them.

So let me explain,

And I'm going to give you a few examples on this one.

Now it does not mean that you do not have a life.

When you get into a relationship and you decide to commit to your person and be exclusive with them and just take the relationship on it into a deeper place,

It doesn't mean you have to lose your whole life,

But it does mean that I choose you.

It means you are my person.

So I'm going to prioritize you.

You can't put the relationship on the back burner and your person on the back burner and expect it to grow and flourish.

You want to build trust and that connection.

To me,

When I think about trust,

It's this really beautiful,

Energetic,

Almost like connection that I have with my other person and it deepens that relationship.

These are ways to really build that trust and deepen the relationship.

So it doesn't mean you have to lose yourself,

But let's take,

For example,

If I'm somebody that loves to go out with my friends,

You can still have friends in a deep,

Committed relationship.

It's a good thing to have friends,

But you don't want to be out of balance with it.

So if you're out doing one night is bunko,

Another night's book club,

Another night's just like,

Hey,

Happy hour with my friends or whatever the heck it is,

Or if you're somebody that goes out and plays sports like three nights a week or meditation class,

Whatever the heck it is,

Are you in balance with your partner?

Are you making them a priority and making sure that you're also spending time with them,

That you're checking in with them.

You're asking them,

Oh my goodness,

Am I out of balance here?

I want to make sure that you know that you're a priority for me too.

If they're on the back burner and there you're thinking about them second or third or fourth on your list,

That's not going to build trust.

It's also not going to build a committed,

Deep relationship.

So you've got to put them first and check it.

That just looks like checking in.

Hey,

I'm going to go this week.

I've got two engagements with my friends this week,

And I want to go see my mom on Thursday night.

How about we spend Friday night together and what else,

What else can we do?

What do you need?

Like,

Let's come up with something together then that we can do maybe on Saturday and maybe we have friends,

But I want to make sure that we are in alignment with what we do next as a couple.

So it takes a lot of communication,

But also in your mind,

It's prioritizing your person.

That also looks like in relationships with others,

If you've got friends that are being or showing up or acting in a way that's disrespectful to your partner,

It's your job to defend your partner.

Now,

It's not to say that your partner can't speak up for themselves or defend themselves,

But you need to get in the middle of that and say,

Hold on.

You don't talk to them like that,

Or you don't do that,

Or that's disrespectful.

Get in there and you set a boundary for your partner.

If you want a committed relationship with them,

This is how you show up.

You've got to prioritize them.

If you've got family that is disrespectful to your partner,

It's your job to speak up to your family.

You don't treat my person like that.

I don't care if you're married or not.

If you're choosing this person to be in your life and to commit to them,

You got to speak up.

And that's not okay that you talk to my girlfriend,

My boyfriend,

My partner,

My whomever,

Husband,

Wife like that.

If my mother,

If I go over to my mom's house and she's got a chip on her shoulder about my husband,

It's my job to say to her,

Hey,

This is my husband.

What's going on?

You don't talk to him like that.

You don't treat him like that.

You were disrespectful.

That's not okay with me.

If you can't treat him with respect,

Not only is he not going to come around,

But I'm not going to come around until you can treat him with respect.

That's so incredibly important to build the connection with your person.

They should not have to defend themselves.

It's your job to do that.

I also want to say this,

When it comes to prioritizing your person,

It does not mean that your person is the only person you have in your life.

It just means that you want to make sure you're not throwing them on the back burner because what could happen and sometimes happens is that we can take our partner for granted.

We're like,

Oh,

They're always going to be there.

Oh,

Now we're married or,

Oh,

We have been together for so long.

They're always going to be there for me.

No,

Not true.

A relationship takes nurturing.

It takes prioritizing your partner no matter what,

Especially when kids come along.

Oftentimes I've seen this over the years where kids then become a priority.

No,

If you want to stay in a relationship long-term,

Your partner is your priority.

Your kids are secondary.

It's not that you don't love and adore your children.

It's that your partner comes first,

Kids come second.

And you also always want your kids to see you as that unified front.

That means,

Again,

I'm going to prioritize my partner.

They're going to prioritize me.

And then my kids will see that.

And that helps the kids then to respect both of us as well.

So siding with others,

Whether it's your friends,

Your family,

Your children,

Or whatever breaks the trust in the relationship.

Your partner needs to feel like you've got them.

And of course you need to feel like they've got you.

And that means you prioritize each other.

That is essential for building trust.

So the last one is we've got honesty above all else.

So honesty,

Even when you mess up or when you forget to do something like a birthday or a holiday or,

Oh gosh,

I told you I'm going to do that.

You never lie.

Lying does not cut it in any relationship.

But most importantly,

Your committed primary relationship.

We don't lie.

It's just not okay.

So even if the truth hurts,

It's better than lying.

This goes back to all the other things that we talked about.

It's about owning what you did,

Admitting you made a mistake,

Apologizing,

But above all things,

You have to be honest in your relationship.

That's what we need in order to be in a committed relationship where we are building trust.

Again,

You don't want to go into,

Oh,

You know,

I didn't show up because you didn't remind me to.

It's your fault.

And we flip it on our partner.

Not healthy.

Not healthy.

We don't want to get in and blame the partner when it's something that we've done.

So or,

Oh,

I didn't do that.

That's not true.

You know,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No.

Own it.

Be honest,

Apologize,

And then life will go on.

This is just about being human.

My friends,

You don't relationships are hard,

But even harder is sometimes being human.

Let me just tell you,

But when we are honest,

It just helps so much to stay in and build that committed deep relationship.

So that's that.

So you don't have to be perfect to grow a trusting,

Committed relationship.

You do have to utilize these six items that we just talked about.

And if you and your partner can apply these concepts in your relationship,

Trust will grow as well.

Your relationship will just go and grow deeper and deeper and deeper.

And that feels so good.

It feels so good to know that your person has you and you've got them.

That's that bond of trust.

Like I said,

Trust is like this energetic bond that we form with our partner.

That bond will form when you apply these six things into your relationship.

And yeah,

Yeah.

So I look forward to hearing from you guys on this one.

You know,

Trust is such an important concept in a relationship.

Let me know how you're doing with these concepts in your relationship.

Hit me up on social media.

I am on Facebook.

I am on Instagram and I love,

Love,

Love hearing from you guys.

So that's all I've got for you all today.

Enjoy the rest of your week and I will see you seated next week right here in the adult chair.

Reviews

Thank you. That was amazing. Appreciate you.

your talks always give me so much insight and thinks to think about, mull over and it takes time for it all to sink in. keep up the great work ❤️🙏🤩