Healthy Masculinity With GS Youngblood

This week's episode is a must-listen for anyone looking to deepen their understanding of healthy masculinity and emotional connection in relationships. We also tackle the biggies like conflict resolution, nonviolent communication, and the importance of taking 100% responsibility for personal growth and relationship health. If you're ready to transform your relationships and step into your power, this episode is packed with actionable advice you won't want to miss.

Transcript

Hi,

I'm Michelle Chalfant,

Psychotherapist,

Holistic life coach,

And human,

Just like you,

Learning to navigate life's challenges.

With over 25 years experience,

I teach people how to get healthy using the Adult Chair Model.

The Adult Chair Model is where simple psychology meets grounded spirituality,

And it teaches us how to become healthy adults.

From anxiety and depression to codependency and relationship issues,

You can use the Adult Chair for just about anything.

Each week,

I share practical tips,

Tools,

And advice from myself and a wide range of experts on how to get unstuck,

How to live authentically,

And how to truly love yourself,

All while sitting in your adult chair.

Welcome to the Adult Chair Podcast.

Hello,

Everybody,

And welcome to the Adult Chair Podcast.

I am Michelle Chalfant.

Delighted to be here with you today.

As we talk about healthy masculinity in relationships,

Yes,

Indeed,

I'm so excited today,

You guys.

We have on the show,

GS Youngblood.

We're talking today about how men can show up as embodied,

Healthy men in relationship.

How do we do that?

I wanted to have GS on the show because what I realized is over the years,

I'm speaking with all my lady friends and people that have emailed and written in to me and DMed me about their relationships.

We really need to get clear about what does healthy masculinity look like in today's day and age,

And GS,

This is his thing.

He is the guy that is here on this planet,

One of the many,

Of course,

But he is amazing at this exact thing.

Today,

I spoke with him all about how the lack of masculine leadership is often the cause of many relationship problems.

If you all have heard of the book,

No More Mr.

Nice Guy,

He talks about how to cure that in relationships and with our men.

This is a show,

I got to tell you,

It's definitely going to help us understand what healthy masculinity looks like,

But this is not a show just for men.

This is a show for women too.

Make sure you're listening,

Make sure you take good notes,

And send this to the men that you know in your life.

Here's the thing,

I have heard about this guy.

We talk a lot about this in my household since I have three men in my life,

My husband and of course my two,

I can't even believe I'm going to say this out loud,

Adult children.

They're in their 20s.

We talk a lot about this,

Like what is healthy masculinity and what is it not?

That's what we broke down today.

Something that I don't hear,

I'm hearing it more,

I should say in the last five to 10 years,

Is how do men embody?

We talk about women embodying and nervous system regulation and all that,

Well guess what?

GS teaches men how to do that.

It's so important if we want to have a healthy relationship that our men are also doing their work.

That's what he's here to do on this planet.

He does such a beautiful job with this.

All three of my boys have taken his online course,

One of his courses,

And also read his books.

He's really phenomenal in this space.

I've even done his embodiment meditations,

They're phenomenal.

So let me tell you a little bit about him and we will jump right in.

GS Youngblood shows men how to repair their relationship by living from their masculine core.

He is the author of The Masculine in Relationship and the Art of Embodiment for Men.

He teaches the masculine blueprint,

Which shows men how to be grounded in their own power and be more relational with their feminine partner.

But more importantly,

He shows men that there is a better way that they don't have to settle for a flat or toxic relationship,

But instead actually have the power to repair their relationship and start thriving.

I think you guys are going to love this show.

Here we go with the one and only GS Youngblood.

So welcome to the Adult Chair Podcast,

GS Youngblood in the house.

Hello,

Michelle.

Thank you for having me on.

You know,

I was just telling you,

I've listened to your course because my boys have bought it.

My husband's bought it.

And I've listened to you,

But not like face to face,

I've listened to you on audio.

So I can close my eyes.

I'm like,

I go right back there to your embodiment exercises.

So it's so fun to see you and hear you today.

So thank you so much for joining us in the flesh,

In the house of GS Youngblood.

Thank you so much for being here.

I'm excited to talk to you today.

We have a very big show.

We're talking about healthy masculinity.

That's why I'd love to start with you.

So this is a big buzzword now.

Everyone's talking about divine feminine and healthy masculine,

All these things.

You're like the man that talks about masculine and embodiment and all of these things.

Can you tell us,

What does that even mean?

What's healthy masculinity?

Yeah,

I have two ways that I would answer that.

One is that this,

I don't know,

It's a quote from some show that I've done,

Attunement is the difference between healthy masculine and toxic masculine,

And I'll explain what I mean by that.

You know,

Toxic masculine is if you boil it down,

It's like,

This is a guy who does what the fuck he wants and doesn't,

He's either not aware or doesn't care of the impact on others.

Ooh,

That's good.

Which means he,

And that he's not,

He's unaware of the impact on others because he's not attuned to others.

He's more self-focused.

And some people might call that narcissistic,

But let's just say self-focused because it's a less charged term.

Whereas a man who's genuinely attuned to his partner,

Let's talk about this in the bubble of a couple.

So if he's attuned to his partner,

He's probably not going to be quite as toxic because he's going to see the impact of his behavior on her.

So that's one of the things that I like to say is attunement is the difference between a healthy masculine and a toxic masculine.

So that's one way that I would answer that question.

The other is that,

You know,

I've got a definition of what I think masculine is,

And it's defined in the masculine blueprint from the book,

Which I know that you and I will talk about later.

My contention is that if you live the blueprint,

You're going to be in your healthy masculine.

And this is not about power over,

But it is about power within yourself.

And it's for me,

It's a model of masculinity that works in the modern world.

We're not,

We're not rolling the tape back.

But also doesn't water down the power of a man.

A man can be absolutely very powerful and be attuned to his partner and be a good relational partner.

And it doesn't mean he's watering down his power.

So that's,

You know,

Those are the two ways that I would answer that question.

Can you even break down what the word attuned means?

I mean,

I know what it means,

But if someone's listening going,

Wait a minute,

What does that even mean?

How do I attune to my partner?

It's about,

First it's about awareness.

You have to have some portion of your awareness that kind of just naturally goes towards your partner,

Whether she's in the room or not,

You know,

Wherever she is in the world that goes toward,

You know,

It's,

So it's about having awareness on her.

It's about knowing her.

And that's,

I think one of the most powerful things a man can do is know his woman,

What are her needs,

Her boundaries,

Her preferences,

What are her childhood wounds that can be touched so easily?

The feminine wants to be known,

I think way more so than the masculine.

I mean,

We want to be known,

But it's not primal for us.

But my contention is the feminine,

The ethereal feminine wants to be known,

It's important.

So I think those are two big elements of attunement,

It's the awareness part,

And it's the knowing her part.

And I will say,

It's not just knowing her sort of over time,

It's actually knowing her in this moment,

Because she may not be the same as she was in the last moment.

So you know,

Figuratively speaking.

And so being attuned to your woman means being attuned to her,

Who she is at a foundational level,

But also minute to minute who she is,

Because it can fluctuate so,

So quickly on guys.

And that's one of the things that's confounding for us.

It's like,

Wow,

This worked yesterday with you,

But today,

You're pissed off at me.

So all of that is part of attunement.

It's so important too.

And I say that to my husband,

Graham all the time.

I'm like,

That's not who I am anymore.

Catch up,

Honey.

Like,

That's not me.

He's like,

Well,

I thought that you used to like this and this.

Nope,

Not anymore.

That's not me.

And I might add to what you said,

And it's a question,

But also want to add this,

That attuning doesn't mean that you have to agree with,

Let's say,

Right?

So talk a little bit about that,

Because your person might not,

You might not agree with what their needs are or what their perceived trauma is,

Let's just say,

But it's like,

You still honor it,

Right?

Yeah.

Let's break that apart.

Attunement is not agreement.

Attunement is not acquiescence,

Which I think is the point you were making.

I'm so glad you brought that up,

Because the guys,

They think that to empathize with their woman means they have to agree with maybe some blaming and shaming she might be throwing his way.

And it doesn't mean that at all.

It's like,

Here's the inarguable truth in the moment is she does feel pissed off,

Or she does feel scared,

Or she does feel this,

Like,

It's a fact that she feels that.

Now,

Is it based on facts and reality and accuracy?

Maybe,

Maybe not,

Probably not.

I always tell guys,

Stop trying to reconcile emotions to facts.

Like you get yourself in trouble when you try to reconcile emotions to facts.

They have nothing to do with each other.

Nothing to do with each other.

So quit trying to link them.

You can actually treat them very separately,

Which is what I recommend to men,

Which is you first get the emotional resonance,

And then and only then talk about facts.

Because before that,

It's like speaking Greek to somebody,

You're just not going to get through.

And unfortunately,

Men bang their head against that wall.

And now actually,

What was the original question?

I went on so long,

I forgot what the original question was.

I was talking about that you don't have to agree with what your,

What your woman's needs might be,

Or their desires,

Or even their trauma,

Like you might,

You might perceive it in a different way.

Like,

Well,

That really wasn't a trauma,

But if they're saying that it is,

It's just about being there holding space for them,

Allowing us to be whomever we are in this moment and holding that container.

Correct?

Yeah,

Exactly.

Yeah,

Exactly.

I think the magnitude of the feminine's reaction is often kind of at the core of some debates or arguments in a couple.

Because you know,

This thing happens,

Her reaction is this big,

And the guy's like,

What the hell?

And she's like,

You need to own this,

You know,

You need to own this.

And the guy's like,

What the hell?

That's not all me.

Like,

Why are you so upset?

Well,

The fact is that she's upset because it's been amplified by her own history.

She's had the history of maybe a father,

Maybe a brother,

Maybe prior boyfriends and husbands who,

You know,

Violated her in some way,

And probably violation's too strong a word,

But you know,

Whatever,

They wounded her in some way.

And unfortunately,

The man in the relationship now is going to,

You're at the,

You're downstream of that.

So you're going to get some of that amplification.

So for her,

It's real.

And I think the man that can understand that,

And instead of like,

What the,

What the fuck?

A guy can go through his heart and be like,

Oh,

My baby's hurting.

And yeah,

It's amplified.

And yeah,

I'm getting some,

I'm getting some of her father thrown at me,

But I'm bigger than that.

I can be bigger than that amplification.

I can be bigger than the moment.

I'm bigger than the ghost of her father,

Is one of the things I like to say.

Can you be bigger than the ghost of her proverbial father?

So yeah,

I couldn't agree with you more that it's,

It doesn't mean you agree if you're going to empathize with somebody and validate her feelings,

Though they're two very different things.

So,

Okay.

So we've got men that have,

I would say there's a lot of toxic masculinity,

Which,

And yeah,

I think that you say in the beginning,

Like that might be what we label as narcissism,

But I don't even like that word.

That word is so overused.

It's ridiculous.

So.

So charged.

Yeah.

It's so charged.

And everyone's a narcissist.

I'm like,

They're not,

Everyone's not a narcissist for God's sake.

They're really not.

It's like,

It's truly a small portion of the world,

But there are,

There are men that are out there and women too.

So there's toxic masculinity,

Which is,

Is that the masculine,

And again,

There are some people that are very extreme in that,

But they're also just the guys that are going through life that are,

You know,

Going to high school.

They may or may not go to college and they get in the party scene and they do their thing.

It seems like it's kind of robotic,

Like everyone kind of does the same thing,

Right?

And then they graduate and then they do their thing.

How is that toxic?

Cause I hear people say,

Well,

That's toxic and that's not healthy.

So give me an example of what a healthy masculine man looks like.

How do they show up in the world?

How is it different than what,

What,

Yeah.

Can you just break that down for us?

Yeah.

I'm going to answer the part of the question where you say,

What does a healthy masculine look like?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

To me,

That's a good,

Good segue into the blueprint.

Yes.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Because that's,

That's what,

That's my offering to the world and what I think that looks like.

And so the masculine blueprint is,

Is what's in my book,

The Masculine In Relationship.

And it's the framework that I,

That I came up with.

And I,

I,

As I came through my journey,

You know,

I had a long journey of learning about myself and waking up and then starting to codify these principles.

It took me a while because there's,

There's,

You know,

There's so many aspects to this.

It's complex being masculine.

Like anything,

It's very complex.

But over time,

These three themes started to coalesce and those three themes are as follows.

So the first element is,

I call it respond versus react.

And this is essentially about getting more grounded.

So it's,

It's that quality of a man that's got a very grounded nervous system.

There's a certain stillness to how he operates in the world and,

And very much you feel his choicefulness moment to moment about how he's being.

He's being like,

He wants to be,

He's not kind of in a frenzy and being reactive or operating out of wounding or scripting.

He's actually choosing how he wants to be.

And you have experienced men like this in your life and you have experienced some of the opposite.

You know,

Some guys are like this and other guys are like this,

And we all know which one feels better.

Because when you're around somebody that's like that,

It transmits into your nervous system.

And then you,

You know,

Especially the feminine,

You guys absorb it like a sponge.

It doesn't feel good.

Yeah.

Versus the man who's grounded,

Who can actually,

That groundedness reaches across the air between you and actually grounds your nervous system too.

So that's,

That's the foundation of any healthy masculine in my book,

In my book,

Because if you're not grounded,

Then you're reactive.

And then when you're reactive,

When you're much more likely to be toxic,

You're either going to be,

You're either going to go into nice guy or you're going to go into toxic,

Neither of which are particularly attractive.

So that's element one.

Element two is provide structure,

Which is about leading more.

And it's bringing leadership into the relationship.

Leadership is not domineering.

That's not what we're talking about.

Actually both people can bring leadership.

There's not,

There's not a leader.

There's not one leader.

This is all about where do you bring leadership?

And I think both the masculine and the feminine bring their own types into a healthy relationship.

It's not just the man.

So I'm teaching guys,

How do you lead in your logistical life?

Just day-to-day life?

How do you,

Where can you find the places where you can really lead?

How do you lead in your emotional life?

Which is not something that a lot of guys do.

We usually abdicate that to our,

To our feminine partner.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

And then how do you lead in the sexual domain between the two of you?

And you and I talked about my workshop,

You know,

The leading in the bedroom workshop where we're teaching guys how to take charge.

Not as like BDSM take charge.

I mean,

You can take it that far if you want,

But that's,

We're talking about the subtleties of leadership and how to really evoke more sexual surrender from your consenting partner through your own skillful,

Loving,

And a little bit dark and edgy leadership.

And so that's,

That's what we're talking about.

Isn't that what we want?

Sorry,

Go ahead.

I'm going to go.

I'm sapping in the bedroom with you over here.

I had a comment over there,

But go ahead,

Go,

Go to number three.

We're coming back to the bedroom.

Yeah.

Let's,

Let's,

Let's go there and then I'll come back to the third element.

Yeah.

I love these.

I love these elements.

Actually.

They're very,

Very lined up with the adult chair model.

This is what healthy adults respond versus reactions.

First one.

Anyway,

Let me get back.

So when you talk about leading,

I really like this leading.

Can you give me an example of,

I'm going to go to the bedroom first,

Then I want to go back to just daily life.

What does that even look like in daily life?

Again,

I'm trying,

What I'm trying to distinguish is what might it look like now and what could it look like for somebody?

Like what's the,

What's the healthy way of doing this?

So in the bedroom,

When you say leading,

Isn't it true that if a man shows up with healthy masculine,

Then the female can drop into that divine feminine and receive,

Because it seems to me that women in these days,

Not that I'm talking about myself here at GS,

But we are,

A lot of us are working,

You know,

A lot of us are business women and we are sometimes controlling or,

You know,

We're running companies or we're doing these things that's,

That could be masculine in many ways.

And it is masculine in some ways.

So then when it comes to intimacy,

Bedroom,

This kind of thing,

It's like,

Hold on,

I got to switch off my brain that I've been in all day long,

My,

My energy that I've been in all day long,

And now I've got to drop into divine feminine.

This feels weird.

So I need that man to step into more of that divine masculine.

So I can drop into feminine and receive.

Can you just talk a little bit about that?

Yeah,

That's,

I mean,

You explained part of the dynamic and I'll,

I'll explain other parts,

But you explained part of it really well,

Where she,

A lot of women are in their masculine energy,

Getting shit done during the day.

So how do you come home and switch that off?

And for a guy that doesn't understand masculine feminine,

Which was me 16 years ago,

When I started my own journey,

Actually more than 16 at this point,

But I didn't understand that.

And so,

You know,

I,

I didn't know how to initiate and she just,

So therefore she just stayed in her feminine.

I didn't know about masculine leadership and the impact of a lack of masculine leadership.

So she just stayed in her feminine,

Most,

Most women are very responsible.

So if,

If the man's not stepping into the leadership role in a particular scenario,

She's not going to just say,

Well,

Okay,

I'm just going to let this whole thing fall on it,

You know,

Fall in on itself.

She's going to stay taking care of things until somebody else steps in.

So.

Which is more masculine that we don't need and we don't want.

Right.

Yeah.

You guys get plenty of it.

Yeah.

We get plenty of it during the day.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The way I read it about it in the book,

And of course I'm,

I'm,

I'm generalizing here,

But it's a lot of women are getting shit done,

But that's not their natural energy.

So they can't stay in it 24 seven,

Whereas a guy kind of can,

You're comfortable doing it.

You do it very well.

We were talking about how you're crushing it in your business and there's,

There's probably you will want to return to something that's more of your natural feminine state,

Not all the time,

But just,

You want to return to it.

Like coming home after a vacation,

You know,

It can kind of feel good and settling.

So,

And I think,

And let's give an example instead of just up here.

I just had a client yesterday.

Oh my God,

He just,

He simply cannot initiate with his wife and they've been married a long time.

I have been working with him and trying to get him,

You know,

And he's just,

He's having a hard time initiating.

And here's the thing that,

That I think men need to understand that in general,

A woman's sexuality is sometimes hidden right beneath that layer of getting shit done.

So she's in this mode,

This is hidden,

But the guy reads that as an,

As a lack of interest in sexuality,

When in fact,

What it is,

Is it's there,

The latent desire for sexuality is there,

But it's just,

It's covered up because these other things are more pressing or more urgent.

I think in general,

Women multitask in their minds way more than we do.

So you've got 15 things going on.

So what the guy needs to do is he needs to understand that his woman does want him.

She does want to be a sexual being.

It's just not on the surface.

She can't always get there on her own.

And so she'll just kind of stay in the doing.

She needs him to initiate,

Initiate sexuality and to know he needs to be skillful about how he can maybe kind of get some of these things and put them on the shelf.

So maybe it's like,

You got to get the dishes done first.

It could be as simple as that.

That's my woman.

Like if we can't,

We can't leave the dishes undone before sexuality,

Because it's just,

You know,

It eats at.

Oh yeah.

So a guy who's skillful in knowing how to,

How to remove those headwinds is like how we refer to him and then can bring her sexuality now to the surface where she doesn't have to be the one initiated and thinking about the sexuality.

That's powerful in my book.

And of course,

I'm generalizing,

It's,

We're not talking about all women all the time,

But take the 80% curve.

That's a way that a man can bring sexual leadership is just through the,

In the initiation part.

And there's an attunement there.

There's an attunement element,

Like knowing your woman's sexuality is under the surface,

Knowing how to kind of address some of the headwinds and then to draw her into her arousal.

That's powerful masculine leadership in the bedroom.

All right.

I'm going to stop there.

Cause I talked a lot.

No,

That was great.

Thank you.

Thank you for,

You know,

And I,

And I agree with you when you said multitasking,

I thought,

Gosh,

When I first had kids,

I was not working and man,

I got it all done.

And I was still in the masculine and thinking back,

You know,

I've got two little kids I'm keeping the house clean.

I'm paying the mortgage.

I'm paying the bill.

I'm doing like multitasking,

Like crazy,

Go,

Go,

Go,

Go,

Go,

Go,

Go,

Go.

The last thing on my mind was sex.

I'm like,

What?

Like,

No,

I'm no.

So yeah,

I hear that.

The man's got to come in.

Sorry.

I didn't want to talk about this.

I'll say this little,

Little point and hand you back the mic,

But you're still a sexual being.

Like you didn't go frigid.

You didn't lose interest in sex,

But it was just under the surface.

I like that.

It's under the surface.

I talked to more women.

I just had someone on a bit ago that we talked about tantras.

The whole episode was on tantras and it was amazing,

But yeah,

There it's there.

It's like a dormant volcano that we need the man to show up in a different way and lead.

And what I have found just in seeing my own couples over the years when I used to see clients and talking to a lot of men too,

There's either that dominant unhealthy masculinity that happens or they swing and they're over here in Mr.

Nice guy.

Talk about who's Mr.

Nice guy.

I know it is,

But like talk about who that is because we have both.

Yeah,

Of course,

The nice guy is.

So let's give credit to Robert Glover is a very good friend of mine who wrote No More Mr.

Nice Guy,

Who kind of finally find it for us.

And his book is that it's the best entree book to this,

You know,

Because it's so,

So simple to understand.

Anyway,

You get it.

Such a good book.

Yeah,

Such a two things about a nice guy.

One is his radar is turned outwards and he's looking for danger and he's looking for the safe path,

Whatever that means.

That's one.

Number two,

He pretends to have no needs and then is secretly pissed off because nobody ever meets his needs.

Like that's the classic nice guy persona,

I guess you could say.

And and so,

Man,

You know,

If you if you wonder if you're actually a nice guy,

You know,

Kind of tune into where your awareness rests and it's it's always out there.

And that's so toxic.

God,

What I mean,

Of course,

You know,

This is a woman like what a turn off,

What a quick turn off for a woman.

Then her man has that nice guy energy because it's a double whammy.

One,

You don't feel his power in like his his substance.

But then because he's not getting his needs met and he's pissed off secretly,

Resentment is always leaking out.

And then the feminine nervous system feels that.

Pretty acutely.

So you get to get that double pummeling on your nervous system and you don't want to have sex with that guy,

So to speak,

Because,

Yeah,

You get me.

So that's that's kind of nice guy.

Yeah,

No,

No,

No,

No.

That's that's really good.

I love that.

Thank you.

So somewhere in the middle is the healthy man again.

That owns that,

It's yeah,

It's well,

This is what I'll say is it's you have so the nice guy is the light.

It's not a healthy it's not a healthy light either,

But it's kind of it's nice.

He's he's sweet.

Things are easy with him.

It's light.

And then the misogynist is like all dark.

You don't really want either of those.

Like this feels this feels good for a fling and then it gets really old or dangerous.

This feels good for a couple of years because everything's really easy and you know,

And then at two years you're like,

So,

You know,

The what I what I'm trying to teach the guys is you want to bring the dark and the light because it's going to make you uniquely attractive where you can you can you can be sweet and loving and caring and you can make her a little naughty,

You know,

At times.

Yeah,

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so that's what I'm teaching,

Guys.

That's what we play with in this workshop.

How do you bring the dark and the light?

And that's where it gets really fun.

Oh,

I love that.

OK,

What do you think women need more than anything in your your research and your years of doing this work?

What are we looking for?

Is it safety?

I'm just thinking through this.

What are we looking for from our men?

Do we want them?

Do we want to feel safe with them?

Meaning they've got us.

What is your experience been with us?

Yeah,

There's lots of ways to answer this.

It's too easy.

I think we got to go to Maslow's hierarchy a little bit and like physical safety,

But that's so obvious.

I'm just going to.

Yeah,

No,

No.

I'm not talking about that stuff.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah.

I think ultimately,

In my opinion,

I'd love to I want to hear your opinion,

But it would be great if we had a poll with all your listeners and they could kind of we could see the feedback is.

But to me,

It's to be heard.

That's what I think it is,

Is to be heard.

You guys feel more so,

Of course,

You're emoting more and it's a little less directed than the way we do it.

So,

You know,

You want to be joined in that.

That's just oh,

My gosh,

So much of my coaching ends up back at this place of like she just wants to feel you feeling the pain that she's describing and she wants to feel you meet her there and accompany her in that pain,

You know,

Even if momentarily and accept it without trying to deny it or defend it or change it.

And they just want to be felt.

I said heard,

But they just want to be felt in their pain.

I'm telling you,

I the fights in my own relationship,

I way back when,

When I was a lot more defensive versus now where I know to go to the emotion first,

It's like night and day,

Like like her her emotion when she gets all fired up,

Comes down like that when I just go and feel her and acknowledge that.

And then she's like,

Oh,

OK.

And then if I later I want to come in with some facts,

Then it's I'm free to.

But it's it's it's like it's like magic,

Kind of,

Honestly,

In terms of bringing bringing the two back in the connection and everything kind of coming down a little bit,

Which is what guys want.

We just want things to be calm and a little easier.

But you you're never going to get there through the informational path.

You can only get there by achieving emotional resonance first.

And so that's that's my answer to your question.

I think that's what ultimately women want at the most primal level.

I'm going to agree with you.

I'm going to say I'm going to agree with you.

Yeah,

For sure.

We want to be and the F word comes up,

Which is fixed.

Don't fix me.

Don't fix us women.

Like we don't nobody wants to be fixed.

Let's face it.

I don't care what gender you are.

Nobody wants to be fixed.

We do as at least as women want to feel heard and seen and just be with me in this pain,

In this whatever.

I remember I remember way back when when I was working with Graham on this,

I was like,

Listen,

All I need you to do is sit there and listen to me.

I call it the setup.

It's my responsibility to tell you as my partner what I need and what I need for you to do is just sit there.

Don't say a word.

I'm going to I may cry.

I may yell.

I may scream.

I may do.

I don't know.

Just talk for the next 30 minutes.

I just want to be witnessed.

That's it.

And he's like,

You mean I don't have to do anything?

I said,

Nada.

He's like,

Wow.

OK,

He was so relieved.

He's like,

This is great now.

Is he perfect at it?

No,

But he's really good at it now after all these years.

And I have to say,

Game changer,

Game changer.

Yeah,

It really is.

And so many guys are just they got to they're trying to make it stop because your emotion is scary to us,

Especially if it's about us.

Much easier if it's about somebody else.

You're bitching about your sister.

It's so easy,

But it's about us.

It's hard.

And so all those things we do,

Like fixing and defending,

It's like to make our anxieties stop.

And then you guys feel so forgotten in that process of us trying to protect our own ego.

Can we do a pro tip for your for your audience?

Yeah,

Please.

I'd love to go for it.

Stage one is what you just described,

You know,

It's it's like just sit there and don't do a thing.

That's all I need from you.

And then I think the evolution of that is men sit there,

Tune into the emotion that she's describing.

I know we're we're very informationally attuned,

But kind of shift over and just tune into what she's describing about the at the emotional level and see if you can just feel it with her.

Like if your sister,

You know,

I don't know,

I'm making this up.

I don't even know if you have a sister,

But but,

You know,

Your sister says something really mean about you that you find out about.

And it's like,

Oh,

And you're really sad.

You're you know,

Maybe you're not crying,

But you're clearly sad about it.

Like,

Can can the man feel that and be like,

Oh,

Sweetie?

Oh,

That's so hard.

Like,

I call it grunting.

It's kind of like if you can you just kind of grunt along with her.

And what I mean by that is like feel what she's feeling.

And then you put some grunts to it.

Like,

Oh,

God,

Did she say that?

So I don't you clearly you're seeing I'm not jumping in with you should have said this to her.

I'm jumping in with,

Oh,

That must have been hard.

And then and then you go back to being quiet.

Well,

Well,

Your feminine partner keeps keeps sharing.

So you can you can then start to participate in the conversation.

And I think that's where that's where the woman feels the most felt when she can feel him,

Because some of the reason I'm saying this is some guys go like a rock and they they're like,

Yeah,

They don't know what they're like.

They're frozen.

Yeah,

It's like halfway through.

You're like,

Are you even hearing me?

You haven't moved.

Have you taken a breath in five minutes?

So there's that active participation that can really take it,

I think,

Next level.

Yeah,

I love that.

What if they can't?

So what if our man cannot attune because we're going back to that first word,

Right?

It's it's really you're really attuning to your partner's emotions.

What if they can't do that?

It's something they can learn.

True.

I believe so.

I mean,

I mean,

If let's rule out like somebody who's maybe got a neurological condition that doesn't allow them to put that aside.

But yeah,

The average guy.

Yeah,

I would say they can.

And men,

You better.

You can and you'd better.

And who what woman wants to be long term with a man that can't attune to her?

You know,

It's going to get painful.

And so it's going to be the source of a lot of fights.

But you can learn it.

This is what I teach in my in my boot camp,

You know,

In my workshops.

And you probably are,

Too.

I'm teaching men to actually feel.

So we practice feeling.

Yeah.

Oh,

My God.

God bless you.

Because in my relationship reset course,

I say this all the time because I'll have men that go,

Well,

Hold on a second.

I'm a man.

I'm not supposed to feel I'm like,

Yes,

You are.

There are think about babies that are born.

I don't care what gender you are.

They're both crying.

Man,

Little boys and little girls.

We're both crying.

And we learn not to.

You know,

That's I think where this toxic masculinity,

You know,

These men learn not to feel.

It's not that they don't know.

They don't know how,

Because they had to learn not to really.

Yeah.

And that's what's funny.

I'm noticing you're getting animated when you're talking about that.

And I'm also feeling kind of fierce about it,

Too.

Like when if a man were to say that to me as a coach,

I'd be like,

You coward,

Don't hide behind that.

Don't hide behind that.

Yeah,

I love that.

I feel fierce about it.

It's it's hiding.

So I want to call men forth to something bigger than that.

And you were feeling it,

Too.

So it's like men quit hiding behind these stereotypes of what a man is supposed to be.

Here's the thing.

This is I have to say this now that I've said what I just said.

And I'm saying this to the men out there.

It's not being a stone or not having emotions.

It's not it's not masculine.

We both feel here.

But here's the difference.

Both men and women can feel deeply.

But women,

They're going to feel their emotions way more.

So it's harder to contain in general.

So they kind of they go,

They kind of they spray,

They spray out in lots of different directions at times.

But with men,

What you want to do,

We want to cultivate this ability,

Want to feel deeply,

Sit with the intensity of those feelings.

And then we share judiciously.

And but the common denominator between both is feeling deeply.

So,

Man,

Yeah,

It is masculine to feel deeply.

It's how you then deal with those emotions and express those and externalize those,

Which is either masculine or feminine.

You know,

In terms of the energies of it.

So men don't think that emotions are the domain of women.

They're not.

We both have them.

We both feel them deeply.

It's how we externalize them.

That is the difference between the two.

And again,

I'm also not talking about men,

Women.

I'm talking about masculine,

Feminine.

So it's it's,

You know,

And we each have our merits.

What about because it's hard when I think there's a time and a place for.

The sharing to be about the other person,

Right,

In order to,

In other words,

If you and I are in partnership and I go,

OK,

Yes,

We got to sit down,

We got to talk.

It's not appropriate or that's not the right word,

But to blast you.

Right.

I think it's about me.

God bless you.

Thank you.

I've got to get myself in check.

And again,

It's not to say that I can't get overly emotional,

All these things,

But I need to be able to get myself,

My thoughts,

Organized,

My feelings and sit down and say,

Hey,

Yes,

You really hurt me when and actually have a conversation about it because blasting you,

I don't care.

I don't care what how much personal work that you've done.

I think it'd be hard for anybody to get blasted by someone else and not get defensive.

Right.

At some point,

Can we get to the point where you can get upset with me and I can hold my space and I'm not affected by you?

I do believe we get there.

Like I see that with Graham.

What I notice is I start.

It's almost like I'm starting to see through the illusion,

Like sometimes he's starting to get really upset with me.

I'm like,

I actually can feel this five year old that's mad.

It's not even him.

It's not the guy he is today.

It's this little kid.

And I think we can get there.

But it's hard sometimes to hold that.

Do you agree?

Like,

How do you handle that?

If you if you are mad at your partner,

What do you say to people that are in conflict like that?

Well,

Let's see what it's this spring.

I don't know if I'm going to answer the question exactly,

But let me just riff a little bit here.

This what you just asked me brings up an age old question,

Particularly for men.

I'm always thinking about it from the guy's perspective because that's my audience.

You know,

Like,

Why do I have to be the one that always,

You know,

Does the work?

Like,

Why does she just get to blast me?

It's like over and over.

I hear this and I say,

Man,

I don't I don't know the answer to that question.

All I know is I'm going to coach you and put 100 percent of the responsibility on your shoulders,

Because the minute you start thinking,

Why can't she just change?

You're just always taking that as the path of least resistance.

Oh,

She's crazy.

She needs to do the work.

I'm just going to sit here like a stone and with my inner fuck you going on.

So I'm always putting the responsibility 100 percent on the guy.

And,

You know,

Ultimately,

Look,

It's your job to go and do your work so that you can come to me and use nonviolent communication when you do this.

It makes me feel that.

But for most guys,

You can't make your wife or girlfriend do that.

And so,

Like,

The more you're just like,

When is that going to happen?

That just prevents you from really committing to your own work.

And so I'd say for your own self-protection,

Guys,

Develop the capacity to to withstand the toxicity that's going to come that's going to come your way.

That's really,

You know,

All you can do is protect yourself.

And and so you have to do the embodiment work to get a grounded nervous system.

And,

You know,

All these other things that you and I and other people teach.

And I say,

Man,

You got to be prepared for anything,

Just like in life.

Like,

You can't argue,

Why is the weather so bad and why is the flood coming at us?

That's not fair.

You got to get prepared nonetheless.

And I think it's the same relationship.

Now,

The thing that I would say that I say to my guys is if you really live the blueprint for,

You know,

A while,

Six months,

12 months,

You know,

Where you're really bringing it.

And your your wife or girlfriend or your partner just really continues to blast you with a lot of blame and shaming pretty chronically,

Then then it's boundary time.

And then you could say,

You know what?

This is not OK.

We're not going to treat each other that way.

And I need you to really get in touch with what's going on inside of you,

Because there's a lot of blasting that's coming to me.

And I've I've been,

You know,

Being here and receiving it and staying as open as I can.

And I'm really hitting my limit.

But you can't say that in day one when you've been a shitty relational partner as a guy for 10 years,

You know,

You can't get on your immediately.

But if you if you're bringing it for a while,

Then it's time to say,

Hey,

I'm feeling like this is on your side of the fence and I can't I can't be doing all the work here.

So that's that's kind of how I think about it.

I don't know if I answered your question directly,

But that's how I think about that kind of whole domain.

I agree.

I agree.

That's good.

All right.

So what's the number three in the blueprint?

Create safety.

And what we're talking about is is physical,

Financial and emotional safety.

So,

You know,

Physical and financial are the classic protector and provider roles.

And,

You know,

Quick comments,

You know,

Protector role is a lot of guys always think about,

Well,

If we get a mugger jumps out,

Then I'm going to be ready to throw down.

Oh,

There's so much more to physical safety.

You know,

Do you have fire extinguishers in your house?

That's physical safety.

Did you fix the lock on the back door that's been broken for three months?

You know that anybody could just walk in the house.

So there's lots to physical safety that men need to attend to.

And to me,

This is an easy one,

Really easy one.

So you can do kind of an audit of things.

Financial safety.

I'm not going to go into that,

Really.

I think the biggest danger with financial like to be that protector or provider role is that guys use that as an excuse to be kind of a shitty emotional partner.

Like I create a good life for you.

I work my ass off.

I make lots of money for us.

Like,

What more do you need for me?

So they kind of like,

I don't need to do all this other shit relationship.

I'm providing money.

So I try to caution guys against that.

But emotional safety is obviously the one that I end up talking about the most with guys.

And yeah,

Emotional safe.

We've talked a lot about it,

Like validating your partner.

Having her hear her pain feel felt heard and felt is a big part of that building an emotional connection.

It's something I go through in my boot camp program and teach these guys how to build emotional connection,

Because I mean,

You know,

This if you have an emotional connection,

Like you got this like insulation against the bumps and bruises that are pretty inevitable in relationship.

Things flare up all the time in relationship.

And so if you've got a strong connection,

Then you're much more robust to that.

And so I'm trying to get guys to see the value of that.

So they get so much more leeway.

We get so much more leeway for the stupid shit that we do when we spend a lot of time building a good emotional connection.

So that's the third element.

So true.

I love these.

They're so adult chair,

I have to tell you.

That's a healthy adult right there.

All of them love it.

Let me ask you this question.

What can we do as women that have young men or boys that we're raising?

What if like the person I'm with or maybe I'm divorced or whatever?

There's not a man around that's healthy.

Is there anything we can do as women to help these young these young boys become healthy men,

Healthy,

Masculine men?

I mean,

Like like a mother kind of coaching their son,

Is that what we're talking about or something different?

What do you mean?

Young women to me is,

Hey,

Little boy of mine,

Like I'm going to really help them to stay open to their emotions,

For example.

Right.

I'm thinking of like as women,

Like what can we do to help our little boys that we're raising in order to become healthier men,

Right?

Healthy adult men,

I should say.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think you would expect me to say this,

But borrow heavily from the blueprint and.

So if if if you or let's say you've got a I don't know,

Maybe a 20 year old and you're like,

Look,

I asked you not to leave your shoes,

You know,

Dirty shoes and the thing,

And he's like,

But and.

You know,

You can just pause him and just say,

Sweetie,

You know,

You don't you know,

You're not in some,

You know,

Massive trouble here.

I just need you to hear me.

And can you do that so you can kind of ask for your needs as as a just a feminine being,

Even when your mom,

It still applies,

You know,

As a feminine being.

Could you just could you just take me in,

Sweetie?

And or if he if he's I don't know,

He's you know,

He's going to go out with his girlfriend,

But he doesn't even have a plan.

And you could you could tell him what women like.

And it's like,

You know,

Your girlfriend might appreciate it if you actually kind of have a whole plan laid out,

Because then she can just surrender into it.

And I know that when like your father did that with me,

I loved it.

You know,

So you can sort of be self-referential to the family.

I think sharing what women like is a beautiful way to to to coach young men,

You know,

From age 20 to 30 or whatever the age range is.

So I don't know that I think those are some of the things that come up for me.

Yeah.

What about if we're in a relationship with a man right now and we're we're noticing they're either a nice guy or they're maybe have a little bit too much toxic masculinity?

Is there anything that we can do or say to help them to become healthier men?

I mean,

Or is it really just a matter of dropping their book and in their lap or something like that?

Like,

Come listen to this other than,

Hey,

Come and listen to this podcast today.

Is there anything else like as women,

What do we do to help our men?

Yeah,

I think that,

Gosh,

So many things come up.

I can't even think of which one to say.

But if it could,

You said two different things.

There's the toxic masculine and then there's nice guys.

So we dress those separately.

Toxic masculine,

It's like.

Yeah.

So what do we do if we have we realize,

Oh,

My God,

I'm in a relationship with someone that has toxic masculinity?

They're just really unhealthy.

What do we do?

And we don't want to end the relationship.

Yeah,

Well,

Well,

One is it's like,

Hey,

This behavior is just not OK with me,

Sweetie,

Like I love you and you're scaring me,

Actually,

And I find myself closing and it's like I don't even want to think about sexuality when I feel your energy coming at me.

So you kind of just you share the impact of them very honestly,

Which I know is hard,

Like some women could be actually in dangerous situations.

So it's easy for me to say,

Just express yourself.

But it could be dangerous.

I mean,

My work doesn't go all the way into that realm,

But just share how it's closing you down and set the boundary.

I love you,

But that it's not OK to yell at me.

That's just not OK.

But the nice guy one is it's harder because then the guy's embarrassment factor gets kicked in.

If you just look at him,

You're like,

You're kind of a nice guy.

Listen,

I don't want to have sex with you.

So do something about it.

Like he's going to he's going to go into his embarrassment mode.

And so that's hard.

I think I think it's probably a lesson we all probably learn in grade school.

It's just like,

I love it when you take charge,

You know,

Like praise him for the times that he does.

Or if he's like,

Well,

Baby,

Where do you want to where do you want to go on our date night?

And the woman can say,

I would actually like you to determine that and just leave him to his own devices.

And then positive when he does take you somewhere.

And then you say,

Thank you so much.

I love that you led the way here.

So you're really reinforcing what they're doing that you want more of.

Exactly.

And reinforces it with words,

But also,

You know,

Like nuzzle him and touch him and,

You know,

And like you would at a primal express at a primal level that will really resonate in his in his,

You know,

Masculine nervous system.

Yeah,

That's that's how I would do that.

And I would say this.

You didn't quite ask this question,

But,

You know,

It's like,

What do men want?

Your man,

Ladies,

Your man wants to forgive the word,

But he wants to perform as a competent boyfriend for you.

You know,

He wants to be a good partner in most cases.

But when you express your pain,

But intermix some blaming and shaming,

Which is just human,

I get it's like sometimes it's too much and you kind of need to blast somebody when any of that blame and shame is intermixed,

Then he's got to defend himself.

I'm not saying it's right.

I'm just saying that's what's going to happen.

So the cleanest expression of your pain that doesn't doesn't blame him for it,

But just expresses it is going to get you way farther because he's going to stay open and then he has the space to be responsive when he stays open.

So the more that you can clean up your expression,

The more he's going to be responsive to you in most cases,

Not it's not 100 percent,

But in most cases.

So strive for that.

And yeah,

I get it.

I know it's hard,

But that's really good.

Everybody's doing their half.

He's doing his work,

At least we hope.

I'd suggest to you that your your work is to just have the cleanest expression possible.

It's really going to help your cause and getting what you want relationally.

Mm hmm.

I think that in what you just said,

I mean,

I preach this.

I preach this.

I preach this to my coaches.

If you want to be great coaches,

I preach this to every human.

Do your personal work because your personal work,

Your own,

What you learned in childhood from your mom,

From your dad,

You're bringing it into your relationship and your relationship is reflecting it for you.

It's your partner is reflecting your wounding.

So we've got to be able to do our own personal work in order to stop that projection.

So most important thing,

Without a doubt,

Without a doubt.

Yeah,

Your path to freedom is your personal work instead of like,

Why won't my partner change?

You know,

Your path to freedom is do your own.

Yeah,

It's because there's something in me that is creating this reality in front of me that I need to look at to get them to change.

So,

Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah.

This is so good.

Yeah.

Go ahead.

Yeah.

Well,

We'll just I'll just quickly add that there's a symbiosis there that I think that we all recognize when I do my work.

I'm a different way and I evoke something different from you,

Which then hopefully is a healthier version.

And then you're that leads into you treating me in a different way that actually makes me even better and and and more relaxed.

And so there's a symbiosis.

It's this is what guys forget.

They sort of think their woman is a certain way.

Well,

You evoked a lot of that.

My contention is the feminine way of being is often a response to our way of being,

Even more so because you guys feel so much more.

So I'm like,

Guys,

Don't stop waiting for her to change.

Just evoke something different in your woman.

And here's how.

Dot,

Dot,

Dot.

I love that.

Mm hmm.

So good.

Anything else that you can think of that would be helpful for us for today?

This was good.

I just I think that there's a lot of men's work that is about becoming sovereign.

And there's a lot of men doing awesome men's work.

You know,

We talked about a few of those guys that are doing great men's work,

That sovereign men,

Sharpening men and being together and having those connections to grow as men.

And then I think the next evolution is the relational skills.

So and that's where some some work falls short is they don't go into the relational skills because there's plenty of work to do on getting men to be more sovereign in themselves.

But men,

You know,

Like if you're in a relationship,

You've got to you've got to get these relational skills.

So just start to accept it as part of your masculine quest.

You know,

It's not relational skills are not the domain of the feminine guys.

They're yours,

Too.

And it's the key to everything that you want in a relationship,

The ease,

The fun,

The sexuality,

The closeness.

It's the key,

These relational skills to everything that you want.

So accept it as part of your masculine quest.

Now,

Don't don't say that it belongs to the feminine.

But I think I think that's the boil,

You know,

Kind of boil it up to its core.

I think that's what it is.

That's really good.

Thank you so much for today.

This was amazing.

Reviews

I really appreciate you asking what women can do to help men too.

Never to late to get it right! Never stop trying! Excellent points!! 🧡💜