The Adult Chair Podcast: Healing Shame

It’s a little bit of a heavy subject today, but it’s one we have to talk about: Healing our Shame. It’s a subject that crosses my office practically daily in insidious and subversive ways. Shame contaminates our work and our relationships and creates a cycle of binary, either/or thinking. But we can take back our power in our relationship with shame if we work to understand it, relate to it, and use the tools we have that are built in to The Adult Chair! Get ready everybody… we’re going to move through some shame today!

Transcript

Hello everybody and welcome to the Adult Chair on RashPixel FM.

I am Michelle Schelfont.

Well today,

This is a little bit of a heavy subject,

But it's one we need to talk about.

I'm going to be talking with you today about shame.

However,

We're talking about shame from the Adult Chair.

So I'm going to talk to you about how we heal and transform that shame.

So it's going to be a really good show.

But first,

You can find out more about the show at TheAdultChair.

Com and you can subscribe for free by signing up for a mailing list on my website.

Or you can find us anywhere podcasts are served with a quick search for The Adult Chair.

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It's a fabulous place to learn how to live in your Adult Chair.

So come join us over there.

Okay,

Here we go.

Shame.

It makes people feel even saying that word.

But let's first go over what it is.

That's where I want to start today.

I want to start out by talking about the difference between shame and guilt.

So guilt says,

I did something wrong.

Shame says,

I am wrong.

In other words,

I'm inherently broken.

There's something deep inside of me that is not worthy.

It's not lovable.

Shame feels like this deep dark abyss inside of us that if we fall into it,

We will never come out and we'll get swallowed up whole.

It's a very,

Very heavy emotion.

Guilt I am fine with.

Guilt feels like to me a positive,

Almost a positive emotion because guilt is able to correct a behavior where let's just say for an example,

If I hurt you and you tell me about it,

Oh,

I might feel some guilt.

That's actually a healthy emotion.

That's a healthy normal emotion to feel some guilt if I've hurt you unintentionally.

So then the next time I'm going to change my behavior and not hurt you in the same way because of the guilt.

The guilt showed me how I can show up in a new way where shame is a little,

It's not the same thing at all.

Shame is that part of us that gets,

In my opinion,

Covered up.

You know,

We're born the same.

We're all these beautiful,

Beautiful souls.

We're these beautiful beams of light,

But we get covered up with misinformation,

With false truths and we buy into it.

And it covers up who we really are.

And it not only covers it up,

But it says that we are bad,

That we are broken and unlovable and that we are just wrong at our core.

So let's talk just for a minute where shame comes from.

Unfortunately,

We all have experienced shame in some way.

Again,

We absorb these false beliefs oftentimes from people that have raised us.

We might have misinterpreted something from our younger,

Undeveloped brain,

Meaning let's just say we're stuck in the crib and,

You know,

Mom,

Dad,

Grandma and babysitter,

Whomever doesn't hear us crying,

That little baby brain might interpret there's something wrong with me.

Maybe I'm broken.

Maybe I'm,

Why is nobody coming?

I'm crying.

My need is not getting met.

Maybe there's something wrong with me.

It can happen at a really young age,

But of course it can happen at a later age too.

Perhaps our parents or caregivers did or said things to us unintentionally to create this misprogrammed or false belief.

So perhaps your brother did something wrong when you were growing up and he blamed you and then your parents punished you and said you're so bad,

Why would you do that,

Etc.

,

Etc.

You start wondering like,

God,

Did I,

You know,

Am I really that bad?

And then when it happens repeatedly is when more and more shame builds up inside of us.

You got to think of your brain like a computer where everything that's outside of us,

Remember,

Is coming in and being recorded,

But it's coming through this little kid brain.

So it misinterprets a lot.

You know,

I oftentimes work with clients and they'll look back and say,

Well,

I should have known better.

I mean,

My mom was an alcoholic and what do I know?

You know,

I should have known better.

I'm like,

You were four.

How would you have known that?

When we're that young,

We're interpreting it all.

We are interpreting everything and oftentimes make it about us.

Like we've done something wrong.

We're bad.

That's why mommy doesn't love me.

That's why I'm not getting the hugs and the love is because I'm wrong or I'm doing something wrong or I'm bad.

In fact,

If we grew up in an alcoholic or emotionally,

Physically,

Sexually abused household,

A lot of shame happens.

Oftentimes again,

If we experience trauma growing up,

We blame ourselves.

I've talked with so many people that have experienced sexual abuse that blame themselves for that abuse.

They think they did something wrong.

They invited it in so it's their fault or they didn't receive the love from their parents.

So it must have been something that they were doing wrong.

That's shame.

Many of us heard when we were growing up statements from our parents repeatedly that was very shaming for us.

Maybe you heard something like,

You're such an idiot or I can't believe you only got a B,

You're an A student.

What's wrong with you?

So again,

We interpret that like,

Oh my God,

Something's wrong with me.

Why am I not getting straight A's?

Or I know I heard this.

I was compared to my cousin at times,

But why can't you be more like fill in the blank?

They're so good.

They're straight A students.

They're so neat.

They're so whatever.

But we hear things like,

Why can't you be more like so and so?

Some of us heard,

Stop your crying or complaining or I'll give you something to cry about or you disgust me.

Or I just had a client that came in a week ago that was talking about this.

She was her whole life growing up,

Never felt like that she had fit in with her mom and her siblings.

They compared her to her grandfather on the other side of the family.

They said,

You're such a Smith.

You're like those Smiths.

That to her was very shaming.

Even though her family was very dysfunctional and the Smiths were actually functional,

She got shamed for being like them.

So she interpreted herself as being bad.

So we hear all of these kinds of things when we are growing up.

Again,

Some of us hear mild statements and that creates shame.

Others,

We have grown up in households or it's this repeated statements every day of comparison or maybe if we're living with alcoholism in the home,

My goodness,

We experienced tons of shame.

We think it's our fault.

So there's so many reasons why it's hard to say exactly what your reason is,

But if you look back,

You'll have some ideas.

When we receive this repeated shame,

We might become what's called shame bound.

When we receive repeated shame,

We may become shame bound and John Bradshaw talks about this.

So this is what he says,

To be shame bound means whenever you feel any feeling,

Need or drive,

You immediately feel ashamed.

The dynamic core of your human life is grounded in your feelings,

Needs and drives.

When these are bound by shame,

You are shamed to your core.

So some of us that have received shame repeatedly from these statements growing up in our households,

We are what is called shame bound.

So let's talk about now what we do about this.

Whether it's a little bit of shame or a lot of shame,

I'm going to give you guys some tools and actually a lot of information on what we can do either when shame comes up or if we're well aware of it now,

What can we do about it?

So the first thing I want to share with you is how we heal shame or transform our shame with the adult chair model.

And I want to say this,

Before I go through all these steps,

It's an eight step process.

I just want you to know based on a lot of what I'm going to say right now,

I have created a meditation for you all that is a healing and transforming shame meditation.

It's going to come out in the June 7th newsletter.

So as I go through these eight steps,

It's based on these eight steps that is going to be a guided meditation.

So be on the lookout for that on June 7th.

Okay.

So these are the eight steps.

First of all,

What we want to do is we want to get ourselves grounded in our current reality.

So have a seat in a chair,

Put your feet on the floor and remember who you are as your adult self today.

If it's May or June or whatever month it is and the year it is,

Say that to yourself.

So I would say,

I am Michelle Schelfant.

I'm 50 years old.

It is whatever date,

You know,

2018.

So you want to make sure that you're not only saying it,

But then feeling the truth in that.

Okay.

So that's where you want to go before you even start doing these eight steps.

Okay.

So if you can,

You want to remember your most shaming experience as a child.

So just close your eyes and allow yourself to go back in time and allow your mind or body to come up with and present to you whatever it wants to when you ask yourself,

What was the most shaming experience that I experienced?

What was my most shaming experience?

And just allow it to come to you.

Okay.

If you can't recall,

Like if you have no memories,

Some of us have no memories from our childhood,

If you can't recall an experience,

Simply invite the part of you that feels shame to become present.

So just think about your shame and invite it to be present.

Okay.

It's a part of you.

Either way,

You may see the part,

You may hear the part,

Or just know or sense that it is present.

Whether it be like you're looking for a part or a distant memory.

If you have a memory,

Again,

You may see it,

Sense it,

Know it,

Whatever it is,

All is perfect.

Okay.

You may experience a younger version of yourself.

You may experience a colored blob or just a sensation.

Just again,

All of it's fine.

Whatever comes to you is perfect for you.

So when this blob or this little you shows up in front of you or whatever it is,

Invite in front of you and then you're going to introduce yourself as the adult you are today.

Let that part of you know that you're here to take care of him or her or it and want to get to know it.

Make sure you remember your feet are on the floor when you're doing this.

You really want to stay present.

The next thing is number three,

Ask that part what it wants you to know and just listen.

Ask that part of you what it wants you to know.

And remember we are in our adult chair,

So we're just witnessing all of this.

We're going to witness what that part says.

There's no correction.

It might be screaming at you.

It might be crying.

It might be yelling.

It's okay.

You're just watching all of it.

Number four,

The next thing is we're going to let it know that you're sorry for all that it experienced and that you weren't there,

But you're here now and that you care and really love this part of you and that you're actually here to help now.

So the next step is number five.

And as we go through this,

Remember you can always,

If you're doing this live as I'm talking,

Pause it.

I'm going kind of fast because this is not a meditation and I don't want to take too long in between each step.

But if you're writing it down,

Of course,

Pause it.

But if you want to wait for the meditation,

You can do that too.

Okay.

So number five,

This is an important part.

What we want to do is share with that part of you what you know to be true about the whole experience.

Now,

When I suggest this to my clients,

They'll say things like,

Well,

I don't want to blame my parents because I know that my dad was cheating on my mom and my mom,

Even though he was an alcoholic,

My mom really did the best that she could.

Or my dad couldn't help it,

His brother died,

So he became an alcoholic and I know he was doing the best he could.

I know this.

In fact,

We all do the best that we can.

I know that our parents did the best.

I know that grandparents,

Everybody did.

So I'm never blaming anybody.

I get it.

I get it.

But what that little part of us needs to know,

The child part or their blob or that whatever standing in front of you needs a correction of truth because it's blaming itself.

So what we want to do is just correct.

And remember,

I'm in my adult.

I'm speaking in fact and truth.

The fact might be that mommy should have left and taken you away from daddy because he was beating you and he was an alcoholic and she didn't.

That's not a blame.

That's truth.

That's fact.

So we really want to correct the thinking of that little kid or that blob or whatever's in front of you because that part of you thinks it's their fault.

There's something wrong with it.

So this is your chance to correct that thinking.

So let that part of you know what was true.

And this is going,

As you look back in time,

You from your adult perspective today know,

You know what was true.

Your mother leaned too heavily on you.

That was not okay.

Again,

Not blaming.

It's just truth.

And you took all that on and you took responsibility for your mommy and that was not okay.

And I'm so sorry it wasn't there.

So let that young,

Sweet,

Innocent and lovable part of you know that your caregivers couldn't reflect back to you who you really were.

Remember when we're growing up,

We are leaning on our caregivers to reflect back to us who we are.

And because of what happened in childhood,

We get reflected back it's our fault or we're bad.

So that's what we are correcting right now.

How can a little child that's innocent and sweet be that bad?

It doesn't make sense and believe they're unlovable.

It was actually maybe the parents or the grandparents that were incapable of loving that then created an unlovable feeling for that child.

So this is what we are correcting.

After you speak this to your child or that energy blob in front of you or whatever is in front of you,

You just want to pause and let yourself take that in and let that child part of you standing in front of you take that in.

So you just want to make sure again your feet are on the floor and you're taking some slow deep breaths.

Sometimes when we do this work,

It's triggering for us even in our adult and we really want to not stay in our adult.

We want to leave that place or we might feel anger come up about a parent.

It's okay.

This is the time when we stop for a moment and collect ourselves.

In fact,

You can do this anytime throughout the whole process.

Stop and pause and just breathe slowly.

That pulls us back into our adult.

That's number six.

Number seven,

Ask this part if there's anything they need from you now.

What do you need from me?

And pause and wait.

And then whatever they say,

You just say,

I can do that for you.

Thank you.

I will.

Number eight,

Let them know you can do this,

Whatever their need is,

And that you will be back soon to visit them.

And you're going to check in with them again.

So that's this eight-step process doing parts work.

That's part of what we do in our adult chair.

We're getting in touch with these different parts of ourselves that are fragmented off or that are again buried under shame,

That don't know what truth is,

So we want to get to know those parts.

That's how we transform shame.

That's one way that we transform shame.

When we get to know that part,

It starts to shift.

It starts to perhaps believe,

Maybe I'm not so bad,

But it's our job to go back and correct that thinking for that part of us.

So I have a couple or actually,

Let's see,

Three or four more ideas on how we can continue to transform our shame.

So that's the first one.

That is parts work.

Another way to do this is to find the part of you that is being shaming.

And I just want to use that example again that I've used before.

When I have had a lot of anger come up,

This happened to me a few years ago and I've used this example,

But I dropped in to find out,

Okay,

Who is so darn angry?

Who's so angry inside?

And I think I shared with you,

It was Farrell Michelle.

It was this part of me that looked like the,

Oh my God,

Gollum,

I think his name is from The Lord of the Rings,

That little guy in his loincloth that was basically naked that wanted that ring that was living along the creek or in that river.

And that was what I looked like with my hair all over the place.

And that was a part of me that was like this rager and just had so much hatred.

And we want to get to know with these parts.

We want to get to know these parts.

And when I think about my shame,

I'm wondering if that's the same part.

So I got to know that part of me and she came up to me and she was yelling and screaming and crying and snot in her face and dirt on her face.

And I just stood there in my adult and my eyes are closed and I was just imagining this part and I just looked at her and I said,

You know,

Tell me everything.

And I was saying things like,

I love you.

And I got to know that part well.

I think I had,

I worked with that part maybe three times.

It's been a little while,

But she's completely morphed in front of me,

Just morphed every time I go in there.

And now she's not so dirty.

She's much more pleasant.

And one time when I did it,

I just kept looking at her and I said,

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

And I just kept saying,

I love you.

And she morphed into a three-year-old little Michelle in an Easter Sunday dress.

Underneath all this self-hatred and shame and self-loathing is a really beautiful,

Precious part.

It's in there.

I promise you guys,

I've done this work for too long.

I know it's true because I've done it.

So hang tight.

Okay.

I've got a few more things.

So that's another way to do this shame.

Just go in search of that part.

Mindfulness.

This is wonderful because we really,

Really want to get clear on what we are saying to ourselves at all times,

Especially the negative stuff.

I find that our mind goes,

You know,

90,

000,

70 to 90,

000 thoughts a day and many of them are not nice.

So we want to wake up to what our self-talk is.

And when you're having negative self-talk or I'm not good enough or I hate myself or something like that,

Say stop out loud.

Become really mindful about what you're saying.

Slow the talking down.

Become mindful of it.

What else can you say to yourself?

I oftentimes will say this to clients,

You know,

What's the next thought?

Someone might say to me,

Well,

I just think I'm really bad because blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

And I'll say,

Okay,

Well,

What else is true about you?

And they are kind of stunned like,

Oh,

I was just going to stop there.

I'm like,

Of course you were,

But let's keep going with that.

What's the next thought?

What's the next phrase?

And then we search for the next phrase that maybe isn't so negative.

So becoming really mindful with what we are saying to ourselves and catching it is really,

Really,

Really important.

And we want to drop,

Remember to drop below the chin.

Kind of get clear about what we want to hear and need to hear.

So this kind of goes with the first one I just said about mindfulness.

But when we drop below the chin,

We can sort of get inside of ourselves and ask ourselves this question.

What do I most need to hear?

So let's just pretend I'm walking around with I'm bad or I'm not lovable,

I'm damaged goods kind of thing.

What do I need to hear instead?

What would be the opposite statement?

Perhaps it's just as simple as I'm lovable or I'm wanted or I matter or something like that.

But we don't know unless we drop inside.

The mind will come up with all these ideas,

But spend a moment and go deeper inside.

What is it that you most need to hear?

So come up with maybe one or three statements.

And then number three,

Not only say them when you're walking around or put them on a Post-It note on your nightstand,

Number three,

Mirror work,

Which I love.

I've used this for 25 years.

It's powerful.

It's one thing to walk around with these statements and say things like I matter,

I matter,

I matter,

I matter and driving to work,

I matter.

It's another thing to say the word when you're looking,

Excuse me,

The phrase,

When you're looking in the mirror at yourself and say it and allow the energy to drop below the chin,

Feel it in the body,

I matter.

Look in the mirror.

You might want to have some Kleenex handy.

I'm just saying it's very powerful.

The key here is to feel it in the body,

Not just say it with the mind,

But feel it in the body.

That's what I've got for you guys with this shame.

I'm telling you,

I had a lot of shame along my life path.

I think I've said this before on the show,

But my tagline for Michelle was I'm damaged goods.

I am really bad.

I am so damaged on the inside.

I have to say,

Even when I say that now,

It feels like such a distant memory.

It just doesn't resonate with me anymore.

I used to quickly be able to say that statement about myself,

But I just don't anymore.

That's a very shaming statement.

When I think about the fact that I was damaged goods and it's gone,

I'm telling you,

This works.

All of what I just shared with you,

It works.

It's all under the umbrella of the adult chair.

I wish you guys all the best with this.

I promise you,

You can transform this.

I am the hardest critic and the hardest client,

And if I did it,

Anybody can do it,

But I have used this with countless clients and it transforms us.

Remember to watch out June 7th,

Thursday.

There's a healing or transforming of shame meditation coming out in that Michelle's magazine and that newsletter,

So keep your eye out.

I wish all of you best of luck with this.

I send all of you big,

Big,

Big love.

I know it's a big topic,

But I'm with you in this.

I promise I am walking with you in this process.

Today's podcast,

Remember,

Is sponsored by Audible and I've got a great book for you all today.

You can get a free audio book download and a 30 day free trial at audibletrial.

Com forward slash the adult chair.

You guys,

There's over 180,

000 titles to choose from and apps to listen to on your iPhone,

Your Android,

Your Kindle,

Your computer,

Etc.

,

Etc.

,

Etc.

I don't care what phone you have,

You've got an app.

You can listen to these books right on your phone.

It's so cool.

Based on today,

Talking about shame,

I'm recommending Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw.

He's one of my favorites.

Healing the Shame that Binds You.

You can get this book for free on audibletrial.

Com forward slash the adult chair.

Thank you to everybody that has subscribed to this show.

Again,

I want to thank everybody for writing the reviews in iTunes.

I so appreciate that.

I honestly go in and read them all and I love hearing from you guys.

Thank you,

Thank you,

Thank you.

All right.

That's all I've got for everybody.

I am Michelle Schalfont and I will see you next time right here,

Firmly seated in the adult chair.

Have a great week,

Everybody.

Reviews

I loved this talk. I'm going to look for the meditation now. It's 2024 so I'm sure I can find it. 💕

Thank you, thank you, thank you! So incredibly helpful.. 💛💛💛

Hi Michelle, that was very helpful; I’m so glad you are here with us.

YESSSS. I’ve been doing this exact work but without knowing that I’ve been doing it and it’s life changing. Thanks for validating

Very encouraging

So useful, thank you!

Thanks Michelle. A great talk on a very difficult subject.

Extremely painful but extremely helpful

Another great podcast. Thank you 🙏💗

parts work-so on target!
thank you for the insights 👊🏻

Always so insightful. Thank you 🙏💖

Thanks for giving 3 different methods and being concise. 😌

Amazing tools, and so inspiring to hear of Michelle’s own struggle with shame- reminds me we are all connected and there is hope! Thank you

Wonderful ways to step back and reflect on how to grow and let go of your past. Thank you

Love your talks. They really hit home for me. 🙏🏾

I have personally experienced much of what you discuss here. These practices work to transform us and our unconscious beliefs. 🙏❤️

Love this! ❤️Deep thanks to you Michelle! Love the work you put out!

Excellent suggestions. I look forward to hearing the accompanying meditation 🙏🏻

Love your message and your wonderful, upbeat voice. So glad I found your podcast on Insight Timer.

Very helpful. Bookmarking to listen to again.