From Empty Nest To New Beginnings

When our kids leave the nest, we’re left with a house that feels quieter, emptier, and sometimes unbearably still. This transition can stir up grief, loss, and confusion about who we are without the daily role of being “mom” or “dad” at the center of our lives.

In this episode, I’m talking about the very real experience of empty nest syndrome and how to navigate it with compassion and consciousness. No one prepares us for this season of life, but it can also be an opportunity to reconnect with ourselves, process our emotions, and step into a new chapter with purpose.

Transcript

I don't know who I am without these children anymore and I am losing myself and I'm having a very very hard time.

I don't know if I can go in that house.

It's gonna be so dang quiet.

I don't want to be in that house.

You have to feel what's coming up.

That is the way out is actually through your pain.

You gotta let them.

And after all these years remember you got to leave them out there on that 10 or 12 lane expressway.

Let them do their thing.

Let them be into whomever they're here to be.

I don't know who your kid is here to be.

Let them live.

Don't you want your child to be able to tap into their own intuition when they've left the nest?

Hello,

Hello everybody.

Welcome to the show.

It's that time of year.

It is the time of year where all of our little babies are kicked out of the nest or lovingly decide to leave the nest and we become empty nesters.

Specifically I'm talking about all the kids that go to college,

The kids that are moving out of the house,

But even it's hard for a lot of us parents who are dealing with even our little kindergartner just leaving and going off to school all day.

It's like what?

I don't know who I am without these children anymore and I am losing myself and I'm having a very very hard time.

That is what I'm going to be talking with you about today is how do we navigate when our little baby birds leave that nest because it ain't easy and nobody,

Nobody prepares us for this.

Like nobody prepares us for how hard this time of life can be.

So we're talking about this today.

Okay,

Mama and daddy birds,

Let's talk about the baby birds being kicked out of the nest or willingly have left the nest and now we are experiencing emotions that we did not know were in there because nobody,

Nobody prepares us for this.

You know I remember when my kids left the nest,

My first son left and then I still had my younger one home and that's weird.

That was so hard.

I'm like,

It's like everything's out of bounds.

Like the whole house is tipping sideways.

I'm like wait,

Someone's missing.

That felt weird but then when the other one goes and we literally have an empty nest.

I remember,

I can,

I have a vivid memory of driving in the driveway after dropping the younger one off and I was,

I remember sitting with my husband Graham and I'm like I don't know if I can go in that house.

It's gonna be so dang quiet.

I don't want to be in that house and after being around so many of my friends and family members,

It's not just me as we know.

That's an actual thing.

The empty nest syndrome that we go through as parents when our little kids leave or our big kids leave.

It's a real thing.

So how do we navigate that?

How do we navigate this time of our lives?

Because again,

Not that many people talk about it.

Number one,

We really want to learn how to feel,

Process and metabolize our emotions.

We have to tell ourselves it's okay to have these emotions and we have a lot of them.

I mean even thinking about them leaving way ahead of time brings up emotion.

The question is,

Is what are you doing with your emotions?

I've done several podcasts on feeling emotions,

Which I will put in the show notes below so you can listen to those to help you to navigate.

And of course in the adult chair book,

I have an entire chapter on how to navigate emotions.

This is a critical tool that every human needs to learn because we're not taught how to do it.

Most of us are not,

We're not taught how to do that when we were going up.

So of course,

Then when we have our own children and then they're leaving the nest,

It's like horrifying.

We don't know what to do with all these emotions.

And very specifically when that grief starts bubbling up,

It's grief.

And grief is such a tricky emotion.

Anytime we have an ending of anything,

There's grief.

And I find that as humans,

That is probably one of the clumsiest emotions that we have.

People are good about all of their,

Or not great at it,

But they're good about other emotions.

But when it comes to grief,

We really don't know how to navigate it all that well.

So we really want to look at and feel our grief.

That might look like journaling,

Might look like just sitting with yourself and allowing yourself,

Giving yourself permission to cry,

To be angry,

To be all the things.

Here's another thing.

You've got to tend to yourself and ask yourself what you need during this time.

Do you need space?

Do you need a bath?

Do you need a massage?

Do you need a girl's trip?

A guy's trip?

Do you need a vacation?

Do you need a hike?

Only you know what you need.

So do not depend on or lean on anyone else to provide for you what you need.

It's our job as humans to speak up for ourselves and ask for what we need.

So please do that.

And the only way you know what you need is you got to get quiet and tune inside and just ask yourself,

What do I need right now?

What would feel good for me right now?

And you feel into it and the answer will come.

This is another clumsy thing.

We're not great at doing this.

We're not taught how to do this.

But I invite you to start that practice of asking yourself what you need during this time and give yourself space.

Don't over busy.

I have many friends right now that are in the over busy mode.

Like they are,

I mean,

Not saying no to any social thing.

They're so busy.

They don't have any time.

They're overwhelmed beyond.

They're maxed out.

They are crying at the whim of anything.

And I finally have said to a few of them,

I'm like,

You're having emptiness.

You're experiencing emptiness syndrome.

You have to feel what's coming up.

That is the way out is actually through your pain.

There's no way of avoiding this.

You have to go through it.

And it doesn't mean you have to go through it in an hour,

But you have to go into what you are feeling.

And I say this about absolutely anything.

You have to go in it to work your way through it.

So that's the first part of all this.

The second part is when we parent these children,

I think about when we have babies,

These babies are on a one lane expressway and we are the guardrails for these babies going down this one lane expressway.

In other words,

They're meant to drive down here and they crash into the guardrails and we're right there.

We have a lot of tight control with what they're doing.

Let's face it.

I don't want my toddler walking out in the street.

I'm right here.

So we are very tight with our boundaries when they are that age as they grow up.

And by the time they're 18,

19,

20,

We want our guardrails to be expanding over time.

So by the time they're 18,

19,

20,

We want them to be on a 10 or 12 lane expressway or through way.

And they're going back and forth.

And our guardrails are way out here and they're ready to go.

They're ready to fly.

And we've done the best that we can.

We all do.

We all do the best that we can.

We got to remember that.

And we let them fly and we let them go.

Really,

Really important to do that.

And we have to let go without control.

As parents,

We have to become aware of when we are being controlling and when we are projecting.

Right.

We tend to do that.

It's like we think we know what's best for our children and then we project it on them and we try to control them.

We may not even know that we're doing this.

So just listen to people around you.

Here's my rule of thumb.

When someone says to me one time,

Hey,

You're being controlling.

I go,

Hmm,

Is that their projection or am I really being controlling?

When two people say it,

I go,

That must be me.

Two or more is like,

OK,

They're seeing something that I can't see.

We don't see ourselves all that well as humans.

So we rely on other people.

So whether it be your therapist,

Your coach,

Your partner,

Your friend,

Your family member that says,

Hey,

Are you being a little controlling there?

Pay attention because you might be.

And it's not a judgment.

We can't see ourselves all that well.

So take it into consideration and go,

Huh,

Am I being controlling?

And if I am,

You got to ask yourself,

What am I afraid of?

Because we go into control when we're afraid.

When our little baby birds leave the nest,

We're afraid.

Oh,

My God.

What if this happens?

What if that happens?

What if they drink too much?

What if they get whatever fill in the blank?

God only knows we have a whole list of things that could go wrong when our little birdies leave the nest.

But here's the thing.

We got to let them.

And after all these years,

Remember,

You got to leave them out there on that 10 or 12 lane expressway.

Let them do their thing.

Let them do their thing.

Let them crash in.

But we're way out here.

Don't control because we want them to be ready for when they go into adulthood,

Which is again in their 20s.

The prefrontal cortex comes online around age 25.

We were preparing them for that time in their lives.

But by the time they're 18,

19,

20,

We want to give them free reign to do what they think is best,

Which can be very scary,

Of course.

But also,

We want to really be careful of our projections with them because we think we know what they should do,

What they shouldn't do,

What's best for them and all the things.

But here it is.

Think of raising children.

This is called conscious parenting.

When we are conscious parents,

You're realizing that our job is to bring these children into the world or through us.

And even if you adopted a child,

It's your job to raise that child up to 18.

Right.

And after that,

But even remembering whether you adopted a child or you had the child,

They have their own soul.

They have their own life plan.

And again,

Your job is to keep the guardrails up on a 10 lane expressway.

Let them bloom into whomever they're here to be.

I don't know who your kid is here to be.

Let them bloom.

We're all here to bloom.

And I have seen for years and years and years,

So many of us parents,

We tend to project what we think is best.

We want to control our kids into becoming who we think they should become or what's best for them instead of inviting them to feel their way through life.

And again,

Unfortunately,

Our parents don't teach us how to do this.

So how in the world are we supposed to know to do this with our own kids?

Start today.

Start today asking your child,

What would you what's fun for you?

What would be interesting for you?

And we want to expose our kids to as much as we can,

Of course,

As we're raising them,

Because we want to give them options like,

Oh,

Maybe this,

Maybe that.

But trust.

This is a huge thing with raising children.

You have to trust they have a soul.

They've got something bigger than all of us navigating their life as well.

And I'm going to trust that that thing,

Call it God,

Source,

Soul,

Whatever it is,

Is guiding them as well.

But the more controlling I am and the more I'm projecting on them,

They can't feel their own intuition.

That's why a great question for your kids is how does that feel?

Start changing your language.

How does that feel to you?

Oh,

I want to change my major to art.

Oh,

How does that feel?

You can do these very slight things with your kids.

Start asking them these types of questions that starts to take them from what do you think,

Which I don't really care what people think,

To what do you feel in your body?

I'm dropping it chin down for my kid.

So if my kid does something that requires,

Let's say,

A consequence,

Okay,

Then I might say,

How did it make you feel when you snuck out of the house?

How did it make you feel?

And I'm just introducing this language when they are growing up.

Does that feel right to you that you get in the car with someone who's drinking?

Was that a good idea?

How does that feel?

Again,

A lot of kids will not get this,

But you want to keep reinforcing language like this to help them to make their own decisions.

Because here's the thing,

Don't you want your child to be able to tap into their own intuition when they've left the nest?

I want my child to be able to tune into their own intuition about things.

Like,

I'm not going to get into that car that feels off and I don't even know why.

I'm not going to drive down that road because it feels not right to me.

I'm not going to date this person.

I don't like how it feels.

I don't like how they treat me.

It doesn't feel good.

We want to amplify our kids' intuition by bringing their attention down below their chin.

And we don't tell them to do that.

We start asking them questions about how it makes them feel.

Another thing we can do as parents,

We do it for ourselves.

Start asking yourself,

How does this make me feel?

And drop your attention down into your heart space,

Down into your body,

And start navigating from there.

Because when these kids are living with you and spending time with you,

What translates to them is the energy that we are having with them in the house.

You don't even have to say a word and they just start picking up on it.

It's a natural thing.

It's like you become the tuning fork in the house and the kids and everyone in the house starts vibrating with you.

It starts doing things that you're doing and nobody knows why.

It's not even logical.

It's an energy thing.

So,

Okay,

So these are things that we can do with our kids.

But I want to say,

Once the kids have left the nest and you're having a really hard time,

After we do this grieving,

Stretch for this.

Because we're in a hard place,

Let's face it.

It's a hard space to be in.

Have you validated yourself for what a good job you did?

So validate,

Validate,

Validate.

I did a really good job.

I did my best.

Were you perfect?

No.

Who was?

When you can find a perfect parent,

Please let me know.

Because I've never found a perfect parent.

What does even perfect parent mean?

Who the heck knows?

Let that go.

What did you do well?

Now,

There will be some people I know I can tell because I've done this podcast for,

14 years,

Something like that,

10 years,

12 years,

That will email in and say,

I was a horrible parent.

I was an alcoholic.

Okay.

What did you do well,

Even though you were an alcoholic?

And I've worked with people around this.

I'm like,

Well,

I did quit when they were,

But it was too late.

They were 16.

I don't care.

You quit.

Did you get them to school?

Did you make their lunches?

Did you take them on vacations?

Did you set boundaries?

What did you do well for your children?

Validate,

Validate,

Validate,

Validate,

Validate.

You got to give yourself grace.

Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs,

Way more difficult than running a company.

I run a company.

Parenting was 10 times harder.

Parenting is like nothing else.

So give yourself credit.

Nobody prepares us for truly how to parent.

Because here's the thing.

No two kids are the same.

I had two kids that came out of me.

They didn't look alike.

They didn't act alike.

They didn't act anything alike.

One kid I could punish for not going to soccer practice and he'd be on the floor saying he didn't want to go.

I'd punish him for not going.

The other kid,

I'd have to take soccer away and that would make him collapse on the floor.

It was like two totally different personalities.

How in the world?

It is a crazy business that we run when comes to families and parenting.

Because no two kids are typically the same.

You cannot parent them the same.

So give yourself credit.

We are not taught how to parent really,

Really well.

So validate yourself for what you did well.

And the thing that you can do starting today,

Continue to step into what I would call your adult chair,

The healthiest version of self.

And it doesn't mean you have to become the healthiest version of yourself today.

Strive to become that you.

Because guess what?

Even if your kids are out of the house,

They still interact with you.

They're still feeling the energy of who you are.

Continue to become healthier for yourself.

And it does trickle right down to your kids.

So the last thing is when it comes to navigating this empty nest and what we do,

One of the reasons that we have such a difficult time is not only because we love these babies that have now left the nest.

We love our little baby birds and now they're gone.

And I'm looking at this house and it's hollow and it's empty and I'm lonely and all of my stuff is bubbling up.

So again,

We want to do our emotional work around this.

We want to do,

I have a whole trigger process I've talked about.

It's all sitting right in the adult chair book.

You want to work this triggers.

You want to work and feel your emotions 110% that will help you navigate this time.

The next thing that you want to do and the last thing you want to start considering,

Not right away of course,

But when it feels right for you,

Is a new purpose.

I called this time in my life when my birds left the nest,

Act two.

It's like,

Okay,

I had act one when I had the kids and then when they left,

It was act two.

It's like,

Well,

Who do I want to be now?

What kind of life do I want to have now?

How do I want to live?

What is my new purpose?

Who am I here to be?

Life does not have to be over.

In fact,

It can be the beginning of your life.

So start tapping into your purpose.

You have a purpose.

I promise you,

You have a purpose.

And it was more than raising children.

Because a lot of people say that was my purpose.

Absolutely.

And there might be another one.

There might be several others.

So start getting curious about what that purpose is.

And there are many things,

Of course,

To do to really open up and help you to align with that new purpose,

Which actually we're going to talk about next week.

We're going to talk about finding your purpose if you don't know what that already is.

So listen to next week's show as well.

Because finding your purpose,

Game changer.

And it really does help the grieving process if you are someone that is experiencing that during the emptiness time of when your children have left the home.

Reviews

Tx Michelle. Helps me to look at my ‘upcoming’ empty nest with positivity

Just what I needed! Thank you🙏