End Ruminating Thoughts With Parts Work

In this episode, I’m sharing the story of a friend who came to me for help with critical thoughts that she couldn’t shake. I walk you step-by-step through the parts work method I used with her and the process she went through that stopped those thoughts almost instantly.

Then, I explain why parts work is so powerful, how it works in our unconscious mind and exactly how you can use it to work with your own critical parts – or any other part of yourself for that matter!

Transcript

Hi,

I'm Michelle Chalfant,

Psychotherapist,

Holistic life coach,

And human just like you,

Learning to navigate life's challenges.

With over 25 years experience,

I teach people how to get healthy using the adult chair model.

The adult chair model is where simple psychology meets grounded spirituality,

And it teaches us how to become healthy adults.

From anxiety and depression to codependency and relationship issues,

You can use the adult chair for just about anything.

Each week,

I share practical tips,

Tools,

And advice from myself and a wide range of experts on how to get unstuck,

How to live authentically,

And how to truly love yourself,

All while sitting in your adult chair.

Welcome to the adult chair podcast.

Hello,

My friends.

Welcome to the show.

This is Michelle Chalfant.

Oh,

What a show we have today,

Ruminating thoughts,

Ending them with parts work.

Yes,

Two of my favorite topics,

Honestly.

People have asked me for years,

They're like,

What kind of parts work is this?

This is parts work that I do.

People tell me it's a blend of like shamanic parts work with IFS,

With all these other things,

None of which I've been trained in.

So,

This is something that I created just from years and years and years of doing it on my own,

With myself and with clients.

People say it's so easy to apply and transformational,

Which is why I'm thrilled to run the show again for all of you.

So,

I hope you all had a lovely and safe holiday season and a safe new year.

I don't know if you're like me,

I have a very hard time staying up beyond 10 o'clock,

But I did get my burning ceremony in.

I don't know if any of you guys saw me on social,

But I love doing that annual burning ceremony,

Leaving the past in the past in 2024 where it belongs,

And then we can enter into 2025 with a clean slate.

So,

I did get that in,

But I had a very hard time staying up till midnight,

I'm not going to lie.

All right,

We're going to jump right into the show,

But I just want to tell you guys,

I have a very,

Very,

Very big announcement next week coming for you.

Yeah,

Very excited about it,

But a really big announcement,

So stay tuned on that and let's jump right in.

So,

I've got a really,

Really good show today.

My friend called me yesterday and she was not having a good day.

And I worked with her,

And I wish I had her here because I'd like for her to tell you her side of the story,

But it was so good,

But I'm going to share with you how I helped her to end her ruminating thoughts that were,

I mean,

Horrible thoughts that she was having all day.

She needed help out of that space.

And I helped her,

I did some really great parts work with her and boom,

Turned it around.

And I'm going to talk you through this because you're going to be able to do this for yourself.

I'm going to break it down for you really in step by step by step.

So,

Let me break it down for you.

So,

Yesterday,

I got,

Actually,

I was getting blown up on my text messages during the day yesterday.

My friend was texting me saying,

I need you,

I need your help.

I'm having a horrible day.

I'm going to quit my job,

The whole thing.

And I just,

I was in meetings all day yesterday,

Did not even have a break.

So I said,

I'll call you at the end of my day,

Hang tight.

So when I called her at the end of the day,

She said,

I've had the worst day.

She said,

I made a mistake this morning at work,

I'm just going to quit my job,

I don't want to do this anymore.

And she's going on and on and on,

She goes,

You have to help me,

Please help me.

This is someone I've known most of my life.

She's awesome.

And I said,

Okay,

Okay,

Let's,

Let's break it down.

Let's slow it down.

Tell me,

I said,

What are your thoughts saying?

I said,

What thoughts are you having about yourself?

And she said,

I am thinking thoughts like,

That I need to quit my job,

That I'm a bad person,

That I'm not good enough,

All of those things.

She went on and on and on.

I'm horrible,

All of it.

I said,

Well,

That does not feel good.

And I understand how that feels.

Let me tell you,

I said,

Let's look at that.

So I asked her,

I said,

So when you have these thoughts,

I said,

Tell me,

Where do you feel it show up in your body?

I said,

When you're saying these thoughts to you,

What's happening in your body?

As you sink in and you bring your attention down to your body?

She said,

Oh,

For sure,

My stomach,

My stomach so tight,

My stomach so tight,

My throat's tight.

I've been tight all day.

I said,

Okay.

I said,

Let's slow it down.

I said,

Which one's tighter,

Your stomach or your throat?

She said,

My stomach for sure.

I said,

Okay,

Cool.

Take your attention,

Drag it down,

Bring it down to your stomach area.

And let's,

Let's just be with the tightness in your stomach.

And she did.

And she,

I said,

Let's just slow our breathing down.

So what we want to do first is start slowing things down just a little bit.

And she says,

Okay,

I'm here.

I said,

Okay,

Cool.

I said,

As you rest your awareness on that spot in your stomach,

I said,

Tell me something.

I said,

All of these thoughts that you're having.

I said,

Ask that stomach area this question,

As you're having these thoughts,

Who's saying that?

Who's saying these thoughts to me?

Ask it these questions.

I said,

Ask it that question and just wait for an answer.

Go with the first thought that comes to you.

So she did.

And she came back,

She goes,

And I love it because when we're truly dropping below the chin,

Not in our heads and going with the first thought,

We're in that unconscious mind and you'd be amazed at what just pops out of left field.

And she said to me,

That's so weird.

She goes,

It just says that it's this 14 year old self.

I said,

Oh,

Okay.

I said,

So 14 years old.

She goes,

Yeah.

She goes,

It's,

It's telling me,

Yeah,

That it's 14.

I was like,

Okay,

Okay,

Cool.

I said,

Um,

That,

There you go.

Do you get an image with that?

She said,

No,

I just,

It just feels like it's,

I don't know.

She goes,

It just said it was 14.

I said,

Okay,

Cool.

I said,

See if,

Tune in and see if there's an image.

And for those of you that are not visual,

You may not get an image.

So that's totally fine.

You might just hear something or sense something.

Both are,

All are fine.

If you're not a visual person,

You won't see it as clearly,

Which is perfect.

But anyway,

So my friend said,

Yeah,

I just,

It just looks like as I tune into it,

She said like a 14 year old,

But it doesn't exactly look like me.

I said,

It's okay.

Go with it.

Perfect.

And I said,

All right,

So ask that part of you what its purpose is.

And she said that,

And so she asked the question and it came back with,

I'm here to protect you and I want to keep you from making a mistake.

I said,

Oh,

Interesting.

I said,

What's going to happen if you make a mistake?

Can you ask it?

And she,

And the answer was,

I'll get shamed.

I said,

Ooh,

That doesn't feel good.

And I know my friend's story,

But I want to add this,

If you're doing this at home and you're listening and doing this for yourself,

Here's the thing I said.

I know that her mother was really hard on her when she was growing up.

She wanted her to get straight A's.

She wanted her to,

You know,

Be in this or that sport and she was really,

Really hard on her.

And if she didn't do what my friend had asked her to do,

If she,

If my friend didn't do what her mother wanted her to do,

She would really get the cold shoulder from her mother.

So I thought,

Isn't that interesting?

And I said,

Tell me more about the voice that you're hearing,

Um,

In your stomach.

And I said,

Whose voice is that?

I said,

Really tune into that area.

And she said,

It's so weird.

It sounds like it's my mother's voice.

They said,

Huh?

Now I didn't say anything,

You know,

About her mother.

Like I wonder if it's your mom.

I was thinking that and I said,

Well,

Whose voice is,

Whose voice is it anyway?

She said,

It really sounds like my mom.

I said,

Oh,

There it is.

Okay.

I said,

So interesting.

I said,

Well,

Do me a favor.

I said,

Now tell that part of you how old you actually are.

I said,

Let it know that you are 49 years old and you're not 14,

You're 49.

And she told it and she said,

Oh my gosh,

It was shocked.

She came back and she said,

I can't believe it.

I said,

Yeah.

I said,

Thank it though,

For all that it's been doing all of these years,

Thank it up and down.

I said,

Just really have a lot of gratitude.

So she did.

And then she came back and she said,

Wow,

Saying thank you and letting it know my age.

She said,

It started to change.

She goes,

It's shrinking.

It's very strange.

I said,

Yeah.

It just wanted your attention.

It wants to be known.

So she spent a little bit more time with it and I had her dialogue with it a little bit more and I just had her say,

What else do you want to say to it?

Maybe it's things like,

It's okay to make a mistake.

I've got this.

And I typically say this to my clients and anyone that I work with,

What did you need to hear as a child that you did not hear?

This is the time to say it to yourself,

But you say it to that younger version of self from the person you are today,

From your healthy adult today.

So she did that and she said,

You know,

It's okay to make a mistake.

I still love you no matter what.

So she said all of these things to her 14 year old self and that 14 year old self completely morphed and changed.

And then it went away.

I said,

I said,

Then at the end,

I said,

Do you have any knot in your stomach?

She said,

It is a hundred percent gone.

I said,

Cool.

I said,

How's your throat?

She said,

It's gone too.

And I said,

Wow,

There you go.

I said,

So is your brain still racing?

You still have that racing mind?

And she said,

She paused.

She said,

No,

Actually I don't.

She goes,

It's just done.

And I said,

Yeah,

I said,

So let's talk about though,

What is true?

I said,

You had already mentioned a few things like making a mistake is okay.

I said,

What else do you need to hear for yourself?

She said,

I need to know that I'm okay,

No matter what.

I said,

So when you think about that thought,

I'm okay,

No matter what,

No matter if I make a mistake or not,

I'm still okay.

I'm still lovable.

I said,

When you think that thought,

If we could put that thought like in our hands and you come up with an energy,

A color,

What is it?

She said,

It's blue.

I said,

Okay,

So let's let that thought be a blue energy.

She said,

Great.

I said,

Take it in your hands and put it in your stomach.

And she did.

She sat with her hands on her stomach for a few minutes.

And then she said,

Ah,

That feels so different.

I said,

No,

Take that energy and run it through every cell of your body.

And she did that.

And as she was doing that,

I had her say that thought to herself.

In the end,

She said,

I feel so balanced and peaceful.

She said,

The ruminating thoughts are done.

They're gone.

I said,

Okay,

Let's think about your job again and the mistake you made today.

What comes to mind now?

She sat there and she goes,

Wow,

That's so weird.

After a minute,

She goes,

I don't have any thoughts anymore about it.

She goes,

In fact,

I feel like it's okay to make a mistake.

And it was really not that big of a deal.

I said,

If no one else at work thought it was a big deal.

This is all just a story that you were making up and it tripped you into this part,

Which is wonderful because you know what I said,

You got to work with a part and you transformed it.

So it's going to be different next time.

It's not going to be as intense next time.

She loved it.

So I checked in on her this morning and I said,

How was the rest of your night?

How's your morning going?

I just texted her.

I said,

How is everything going?

How's your,

How's the,

How are the thoughts going?

And she said,

They are completely gone.

I said,

Awesome.

That's perfect.

So interestingly enough,

I had something come up for myself today after her experience,

But it had nothing to do with her.

It was just something that I was thinking about that I had to do with my business today.

And I was,

I would go into bed thinking about it.

And I woke up today thinking stressful thoughts,

Ruminating thoughts.

I'm like,

Well,

This is weird.

And I got to tell you on a side,

As an aside note,

I used to live with so many ruminating thoughts,

Depression,

And I don't say that lightly.

It really was.

I was depressed.

I had anxiety in my twenties and in my late teens.

My thoughts were awful to me,

Like self-hatred,

Like hateful thoughts.

And I firmly believe that when I learned,

And I kind of cobbled together my version of parts work,

I've done a lot of different trainings,

But I started doing parts work when I was 30 years old and I changed my life doing a lot of parts work in addition to other things too.

There's no doubt about it.

I did a lot of other things,

But this is the bulk.

And this is something that I have really practiced over all these years that I stay with.

And so today,

This morning,

25 years later,

I'm still doing the same thing I did when I was 30 years old,

Parts work.

So I'm going to share with you another experience that I had today.

So I had to make this decision today about my business,

And I was feeling really overwhelmed and really,

Really frustrated.

And I noticed that every,

That I could not even focus on my morning when I got right out of bed in the morning,

My thoughts were ruminating.

They were looping really,

Really like mean thoughts,

Which I don't have anymore.

I can honestly say,

I don't think that way anymore.

I just don't.

But when it comes up,

I get right on it.

And I transform those thoughts.

But every once in a while,

I have a thought like this.

And today was one of those days,

Ironically.

So anyway,

So I decided to go for a walk,

My normal morning walk.

And I did parts work while I was walking and I'm walking along and I said,

Okay,

I said,

Just like I said with my friend yesterday,

I said to myself,

Who's having these thoughts?

Who's talking to me?

Whatever phrase you want to use,

That's the phrase you want to do to get inside of yourself.

Who's saying that?

That's another thing I say all the time.

Who's saying this to me?

So I went right in and sure enough,

It was a 12 year old.

And I said,

Okay,

I said,

I went in and it was a part of me,

But I'm very visual.

And again,

Not everybody's visual.

So please don't think there's something wrong if you're not visual.

But I saw a part of me that was walking back and forth.

And she had her hands behind her back.

And she was so stressed out.

And she's pacing,

Pacing,

Pacing,

Pacing.

And I said,

Oh,

The funny thing is,

I have to tell you,

She had like,

If you've ever seen the Christmas special with Heat Miser with the red hair that stands straight up in the air,

Heat Miser from the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

It was that hair on my head.

And I was giggling or chuckling to myself because I thought,

Wow,

I did have that hair.

Because when I was in middle school,

I put sun in my hair with all my friends that were like dirty blondes and their hair got really pretty blonde.

Well,

I have very dark brown hair.

So when you put sun in it,

It turns bright orange.

So I had like bright orange hair for like a few weeks until my mother colored it for me because she couldn't stand the bright orange hair.

Not that I got to tell you,

I don't mind redheads.

I have one of my closest friends is a ginger.

I love red hair.

This was not pretty.

I had brown streaks in it.

It was not pretty.

So we did have to color it.

But anyway,

Ironically,

Though,

I got to tell you,

I would have never thought about seeing that version of myself.

That's why you want to really go with the first thought,

Because I haven't thought about that probably since I was 12.

You know,

It's been a long time.

So there I was pacing back and forth in my visual that I saw this part of me.

And I think my heart was what was so tight this morning and my stomach.

I was usually get pretty tight in my stomach.

But so I'm watching this part of me walk back and forth.

And I said,

So I'm here.

And she said,

Didn't even pay attention to me.

I said,

Okay.

And I said,

How old do you think I am?

And she said,

You're 12.

I said,

Okay,

Thank you.

I said,

And what's your purpose?

And she said,

I am here to get rid of your overwhelm and to keep you safe.

And I said,

Okay,

Thank you so much for all you're doing for me.

I really,

Really,

Really appreciate it.

So again,

I always thank these parts because they are doing such a good job at keeping me safe,

Protecting me from overwhelm,

Shame,

Whatever it is that they are protecting me from.

I'm really,

Really appreciative.

And sometimes that alone starts to morph these parts.

So I said,

How old do you think I am?

12.

What's your purpose?

She told me her purpose.

And then I said,

I just want you to know,

I am 55 years old.

I'm 55 years old.

And she stopped pacing and she looked at me with like total astonishment on her face.

She goes,

What?

And I said,

Yeah.

She said,

I thought you were much younger.

I said,

Nope,

I'm 55.

I said,

I want you to know something.

I've got this.

I've got this and I've got you and I can make this decision.

I am fine.

I'm fine.

And I'm sorry that you're overwhelmed.

You don't need to be overwhelmed.

I've got this.

I promise.

And I had the thought,

Interestingly enough,

When I was 12,

You know,

That whole middle school age,

That was when my dad,

We lived at a lake house and I had a visual actually this morning with it,

But my,

We lived at our lake house in the summer and my uncle,

My dad's identical twin would come and he was,

You know,

The drink too much alcohol raid,

You know,

Anger issues,

The whole thing.

And it was a really hard time.

And I felt like I had to manage my life.

And I was,

I was chronically overwhelmed and frustrated.

So how ironic was that?

So that was,

This part was probably born when I was in middle school and I was trying to manage everybody.

And it was chronic overwhelm.

I was always trying to make sure that the house was okay.

My mom was okay.

My dad was okay.

My sister was okay.

And everyone's in balance and cousins are okay.

And everybody that was there and I,

It was a big responsibility for a 12 year old.

So what I did was I let that part of me know that was brought up into my awareness today.

That was again,

Feeling overwhelmed,

Feeling like they had to manage,

Feeling frustrated.

And I said,

I've got you.

And that part,

It was really beautiful.

I have to say that part started to cry and she,

And I said,

Come,

And this is all in my mind's eye,

But I said,

Come and I said,

Would you like a hug?

And she said,

Yes.

And she came and like draped herself over me,

Over my shoulders.

It was really,

Really beautiful.

And I just held her in my arms and she just said,

Thank you.

Thank you so much for showing up for me.

I said,

Of course,

Instead of I'm here,

I said,

I don't think you've known that I've been here,

But I'm here and I've got this.

I might not be perfect and I'm certainly not,

But I'm learning how to live life in the strongest,

Healthiest way I possibly can.

You certainly at age 12 should not and do not need to be running my life and making business choices for me.

So please stop.

I've got you.

And she just kept crying and she started to morph,

You know,

And she was like,

Just hanging on me and her,

Everything about her started to look different and kind of brighter,

I should say,

Not so sad and overwhelmed.

And I said,

What would you like to do today?

And this is what I love about the unconscious mind.

They pull things like the red hair that I had out of left field.

I said,

What do you want to do today?

I said,

I don't want you to run my business.

I've got this.

And she said,

I want to go sailing.

Now I grew up sailing,

But I haven't sailed in,

I don't know,

30 years or so.

And it was something that I would never have thought about to say consciously,

But this is the unconscious mind that we're working with.

So I said,

Wonderful.

Do you want me to come?

She said,

No,

I want to go with Dana.

I thought,

Who the heck is Dana?

And then I sat and I said,

Dana?

She says,

Yeah,

She's here from the cottage next door.

I was like,

Oh my gosh,

It's so crazy.

So where I grew up,

Up on the lake on Canisius Lake,

Up in Rochester,

Off or near Rochester,

In the summers,

We'd go to Canisius Lake and crazy enough,

There was a house next door and they had a little cottage behind them and they would rent it out.

So we had renters all summer that would come and always kids.

And I totally forgotten about this girl since I was in middle school.

And there was a girl,

Dana,

That used to come and she'd rent for two weeks with her family every summer.

And we would hang out every summer.

And she says,

And we used to sail together.

That's what we used to do.

When I tell you,

Have not thought about this girl since probably middle school.

Because in middle school,

We ended up moving down the lake when I was like 13 or 14.

So I forgot about Dana.

I said,

Oh my God,

That's so beautiful.

I had a memory of this girl.

And I said,

Go sail with Dana.

She was in a big smile on her face.

I said,

You go,

I've got this.

And she walked out the door.

This is all in my mind's eye,

Walked out the door.

And she was so happy.

I let her go.

And then I saw her just kind of sail out in the lake with Dana.

So then I went back to myself and I said,

Okay,

How do I feel now?

And you guys,

Ruminating thoughts were gone.

They were just gone.

They were gone.

And I think about my,

I thought about my business.

I was completely calm.

I was like,

Wow,

That's so interesting.

How our different parts will kick in when we least expect them.

And I'm at the end of the day now.

I have not even given it a second thought.

I feel so calm and relaxed.

I feel fantastic,

Honestly.

So that is how we do parts work.

So let me break it down one last time.

The first thing you do is you tune into your thoughts.

Then you tune into where you feel in the body.

Then you ask yourself,

How old are that part?

Excuse me.

Ask the part,

How old do you think I am?

Then you ask the part,

What's your purpose?

And then you let it know your current age.

Okay.

That's the very basic way of doing parts work.

And it is powerful.

Here's a phrase I'd love for you to take away from this podcast today,

Which is when you are hearing these voices in your head,

Right?

The ruminating thoughts,

The beating up on self,

All of those thoughts.

Start asking yourself this question,

Who is saying that?

And then pause and check in.

I really think you're going to be amazed at the different parts of yourself that you will start to discover.

And this is how we really experience more of who we are.

And this is the journey that we are on in order to rediscover and live from our true self.

And that is what the adult chair is all about,

Is living from our true self.

And these parts are unintentionally and unknowingly blocking us from that part.

They don't mean to.

They go into their takeover mode when they don't sense or know that we as adults are here to run our own lives.

So we've got all these parts running our lives,

And we've got to learn how to live from our true self,

From our healthy adult self,

And run our lives from that perspective.

And that is when our lives change.

And it happens below the chin.

We drop below and we got to get into the body and feel what's going on inside of the body.

So much of this is like anchoring,

Feeling our emotions,

All of those kinds of things.

So anyway,

I hope that you found that helpful.

It's parts work.

Oof,

It's powerful stuff.

Really powerful and quick.

I can tell you,

I spoke with my friend yesterday for probably,

I don't know,

Maybe 15 minutes at the most.

We did parts work.

And this morning with myself,

Probably that was like a 10 or 15 minute experience.

And then I was done.

And all day,

I'm like,

I've had a great day.

Have not thought about it again until right now.

So anyhow,

All right,

You guys,

That is all I've got for you.

Do not forget,

If you enjoyed this,

Share the show with someone that you think would benefit from working with themselves,

Working with their own parts,

Which by the way,

I don't think there's a human on the planet that won't benefit from this.

So thanks again for sharing the show.

All right,

You guys,

I hope that you enjoyed that show.

Big announcement next week,

Big announcement about,

Here's a hint about this podcast.

So excited,

Excited.

I'll see you guys next week with my big announcement.

Have a beautiful rest of your week,

Everybody.

I'll see you right here next week.

Much love,

Everybody.

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