Changing Your Relationships Through Your Primal Question

In today's Talk, I'm thrilled to have Mike Foster on as he breaks down The Seven Primal Questions, their corresponding “primal truths” and “primal gifts” and how these questions can show up in our lives in different ways.

Listen to discover: The Seven Primal Questions and what they mean for your life; How to replace your primal question with a primal truth; Why the flipside of your primal question is your superpower; How you can stop letting your child self run your life and live from your healthy adult self; How to apply your primal question in business and relationships.

Transcript

Hello to all of my Insight Timer friends.

My name is Michelle Chalfant and I'm delighted that you're here with me today.

Welcome to my latest talk.

And as always,

After the show,

I love to hear your comments.

So make sure you leave a comment so I know how you liked it.

We'll talk soon.

And here we go with the latest episode.

Happy to be here with you today.

And Mr.

Mike Foster,

I'm so excited for you guys to hear the show today.

Mike Foster has developed a system based on research called the seven primal questions.

Let me just tell you,

Since figuring out what my primal question is,

We all have one of the seven as our dominant.

Let me give you an example.

One of the seven is,

Am I loved?

Okay.

Am I safe is another one.

So when you figure out what your primal question is,

What you will find is that's how you show up in the world with that question dominant within you.

You will learn to relate differently to other humans.

And of course I had everyone in my whole family,

My whole team,

All my friends,

Everybody's taken this thing.

So I know now how they respond to me is based on their primal questions.

We're going to get into it in the show.

It is so cool because by the way,

Life is about relationships,

Right?

So when we can understand what someone's primal question is,

It's a game changer.

Also we talked about how to replace your primal question with a primal truth.

What the flip side is of your primal question.

We found out that's actually your superpower and how you can stop letting your child self run your life and live from your healthy adult self.

Very adult share.

You guys,

Let me just tell you.

Very adult share.

Lastly,

We talked about how to apply your primal question in business and in all of your relationships.

This was such a fun podcast.

I can't even tell you,

Cannot wait for you guys to hear.

So let me tell you a little bit about Mike Foster and who he is.

Mike Foster is known as the Mr.

Rogers of personal development.

He is a bestselling author,

Speaker,

And executive coach,

Empowering people to build strong lives by turning their setbacks into super powers.

His work has been featured on Good Morning America,

Fox News,

And the New York Times.

He lives in San Diego with his wife,

Jennifer and their fluffy dog.

So here we go with Mr.

Mike Foster.

Hi,

Michelle.

Good to be here with you.

I know.

I'm so happy that you're joining us.

I was sharing with you.

I had listened to your show on the Donald Miller podcast and I was like,

Oh,

We are getting him on.

I know you did two episodes with him,

But like,

I absolutely love this book,

The Seven Primal Questions.

I think it's fascinating and everybody needs to get this book and take that questionnaire,

That survey on your website.

I mean,

Really,

It drives your whole life.

So let's talk about first,

Let's talk about a little bit just who you are and how this book came to fruition,

Like how,

Where did all this,

How did all this happen?

Because it's such a good book.

Well,

I spend kind of my Monday through Fridays with clients all the way from business executives to entrepreneurs,

To Navy SEALs,

All kinds of folks.

And kind of my goal is always just to help people get clear on kind of the main drivers of their life and understand what roadblocks might be there.

And kind of through the course of that work,

About four years ago,

I started developing just an idea called The Primal Question.

And it's really an opportunity for us to like take a very,

Some very simple language,

A very simple question and see how it impacts and drives our relationships,

Relationship with our emotions,

Our relationship with our dreams and our future,

And really begin to see how it impacts our lives.

And so four years of research,

Over 6,

000 hours of one-on-one interviews.

I did 22 group labs around this,

All distilled into this little,

But very potent concept called The Primal Question.

Oh,

I love that.

I love it.

So why would someone listening,

Why would you suggest that they take this quiz or understand,

What do you call it?

When you,

What's the,

What their primal need?

Is that what you call it?

The seven,

Seven primal needs?

So basically why you should take it is because fundamentally the results of that questionnaire,

That assessment will help you understand the command center of your life.

To me,

What I have discovered,

Not only with clients,

But also in my own life is that this is the reason why I do almost everything that I do or why the way I see the world,

The way I see it,

Why I do my relationships the way I do,

All the way down to very little things about myself.

Like I understand why I have no interest in jumping out of airplanes or I understand why I parent the way I parent or do my marriage the way I do my marriage.

It all is connected to my primal question.

Interesting.

Okay.

So,

And I love,

This is why I wanted to have you on too,

Because the work that I do with people is all about helping us to understand on a deeper level,

Really who we are,

What drives us,

What triggers us.

That's a big thing.

I mean,

I talk a lot about triggers and I know that you do too with your work here.

So why don't we jump into what are the seven primal questions?

Yeah.

So,

So here's the kind of the concept in a,

In a nutshell,

Really kind of simple way.

So in our early childhood,

We get imprinted with a primal question.

And basically in simple terms,

It was a question that went unanswered by our caretakers or by our parents.

It is also a question that could be imprinted on us through trauma.

But we then carry this question that got imprinted on us in our childhood into our adult lives.

And we constantly ask it to our friends,

Family,

Society,

Strangers,

It doesn't matter.

Subconsciously,

Of course,

We're not aware,

Not literally asking this question,

But we are asking the question and when it gets answered with the yes,

When our primal question is answered with the yes,

We feel good.

We feel grounded.

Our best selves come to the table.

But when it gets answered with a no or a maybe to our,

To answer to our primal question,

We go into what I call the scramble.

And I talk about this in the book and this is all the unhelpful or unhealthy things that we do to try to force the answer back to a yes.

So it could be people-pleasing,

It could be codependent behavior,

It could be overgiving,

It could be workaholicism,

It could be hypervigilance,

All the unhealthy activities of our lives and all of that activity is what I call the scramble.

And that's just our attempt to get our primal question answered back with a yes when we receive a no or a maybe.

So the seven questions,

I'll give you the seven questions really quickly,

And then maybe we can dive more deeply into them.

And everybody has one,

Like one dominant question.

Now all of us will have parts of all seven,

Because really the primal questions just represents our highest apex emotional need that we have as human beings.

So here are the seven.

Question number one,

Am I safe?

This has to do with,

Am I protected?

Will I survive?

This question tends to get imprinted when we have trauma,

Neglect,

Abuse,

Addiction in the home that we grew up in,

And so we just never felt safe.

And so now we carry this question of safety into our adult lives,

And when it's answered with a yes,

Am I safe?

We feel good.

But when it's answered with a no or a maybe,

Then we go into the scramble,

And we do all the unhealthy things that we do to try to get it back to a yes.

Question two,

Am I secure?

This has to do with financial resources.

Do I have enough financial resources,

Money,

To feel protected?

Okay,

Now this is different than am I safe,

Because am I safe is really about survival.

It's like,

Am I going to die?

Am I going to live?

It's like this very survivalist sort of mindset,

Where security is really about,

Am I resourced appropriately to be able to protect myself and sustain myself?

A little bit different intensity on this.

Yeah,

I want to clarify that.

So when you say,

Am I safe,

Is it physical,

Mental,

Emotional,

Spiritual kind of thing,

Safe?

And then secure is more financial.

Okay,

Got it.

Perfect.

Yeah.

And again,

One of the things I talk about in the book is this whole idea of like,

The question next to your primal question is also going to be very relevant to you.

And they're ordered in a way that the question next to your primal question is something that you're going to need to be aware of as another emotional need that you have.

So safety,

Security.

Question three is,

Am I loved?

This is about the need to feel seen,

Valued,

And heard.

My wife's primal question is,

Am I loved?

She grew up in a home where fourth child,

Parents were kind of done parenting,

Mom never really listened to my wife,

So she never felt seen or heard.

And her interpretation of all the things that she was experiencing in her home was that she wondered and was confused about whether she was loved or not.

So again,

We have to be very clear that this isn't like an opportunity to blame our parents or to talk about kind of our childhood being a horrible childhood.

It's just something got missed,

Okay?

Something got interpreted as a child,

Which what children do,

We perceive the world that we're in,

And then we make conclusions about it.

And so the conclusion that my wife had when,

Because her mom never really listened to her,

Was that she wasn't loved.

So this is pretty typical.

And the great thing,

Michelle,

Is,

And this is the work that you do with people,

Is when we learn where we see how our kid logic or our kid conclusions that we've made about what happened to us in our childhood,

Where we can then step into our adult selves,

Our healthy adult selves,

And say like,

We can really release our kid from actually having to run our lives.

We can now have our adult selves run our lives.

And so that's the beauty of it,

But we don't know what's going on.

We don't understand what's driving us.

We don't understand,

Like we don't have to keep asking.

My wife doesn't have to keep asking the question,

Am I loved anymore?

She is loved,

Right?

My primal question is,

Am I safe?

Because I had abuse and trauma in my early childhood.

I don't have to keep asking that question anymore.

I am safe.

And so kind of the prescription to the question is taking her question and turning it into a statement,

Which I call the primal truth,

Where am I safe becomes I am safe.

Am I secure becomes I am secure.

Am I loved becomes I am loved.

And that's the healthy adult self that you're leading people on is like,

We take back the power.

We step in and like,

No,

No,

I'm not dealing with this nonsense.

I'm 6'4",

215 right now,

Okay?

I'm safe.

All right.

I live in a suburb of San Diego.

All right.

Everything's fine.

Okay.

With foster.

It's not a life or death situation every day,

But my kid self says it is.

And so I really got to coach myself and lead myself in a way that lives in the primal truth,

Not the primal question.

And I'm thinking about how you go from that flip to,

Because mine was,

Am I safe too?

That was my number one was,

Am I safe?

So I'm thinking about how do we then go from,

Am I safe to,

I am safe.

And I'm thinking of course,

Inner child work,

Right?

What do you recommend?

Like,

What do people do in order to make that flip?

Yes.

Well,

First of all,

I think we need to have a lot of compassion for the question,

Okay?

Because there's a reason why you're asking that question and the reason why I'm asking that question or the listeners are asking their primal question is because something happened.

Okay.

Something occurred and you know,

We've just been using kind of our,

Our kids solutions to try to fix the problem.

So we don't want to judge ourselves.

We want to recognize that Michelle has an emotional need for safety.

And we know this,

That when Michelle has that,

That sense of safety,

She's her best self.

And so she's got to be aware of that.

She's got to know like,

What's,

What type of things send her into her scramble?

You know what?

I use this with couples a lot,

It's like fundamentally the reason why relationships don't work out is because we have somebody who's answering our primal question with a no or a maybe.

Yeah.

And they,

And they don't have the same need.

That's not theirs.

So they're,

Yeah.

So they're coming,

Coming at it through their frame of reference and like,

What do you mean you don't feel safe?

Right?

Totally.

Yeah.

I get that.

Absolutely.

They,

And so for you,

Like,

How do we,

What do we do with it?

How do we occupy kind of our adult selves?

Well,

That means you having a conversation with your spouse about how they can help you feel safe.

We're two things that your spouse can do to help answer your primal question with a yes.

And also highlight anything that they're doing that would answer your primal question with a no or a maybe.

I love that.

And this is where we start directing clear conversations around the actual issues,

The things that are really going on inside of us.

It is rarely to do with unloading the dishwasher or taking the garbage out,

Even though those seem to be the things that we completely argue and fight about.

There's something deeper.

And if we can start having those conversations,

Those are,

Those are the healthy adult conversations that we need to have.

Right.

I love that.

Number four is,

Am I wanted?

And this is really the desire to be pursued and included.

Typically these folks with this question had childhoods where they just felt maybe perhaps like the outsider in the family,

And maybe they were the black sheep of the family.

You know,

Maybe there was a favorite child and they weren't it.

Okay.

And so it's just a question,

Again,

A kid-like question,

Am I wanted around here?

That's interesting.

This is my husband.

That's what he came up with when he took the quiz or the,

Is it a quiz?

What do you call a survey?

A test?

I don't know.

Assessment.

Yeah.

Assessment.

It's the assessment.

Yeah.

When he took it,

That's what he came up with.

And he did,

I remember I've asked him before,

I'm like,

Who raised you?

Because you know,

He was the boy,

There was a boy and then his younger sister and it was,

He didn't have any boundaries,

You know,

Just kind of did his own thing.

And he talks now about how that was kind of hard because you don't feel like you matter.

He doesn't feel like he mattered growing up as much because he could do whatever he wanted to do,

Which is a teenager's dream.

But inside he didn't feel like that.

So,

But even as a little kid,

So it's very interesting.

Very very.

That's very common.

What you're saying right there is very common that comes up a lot with people with question four is that there was this laissez-faire approach to parenting.

It's just like,

Do whatever you want to do.

And that,

Again,

Got interpreted by your husband as like,

Well,

Do you even want me around here?

Like,

Do,

I mean,

I have so much freedom,

Like,

Why aren't you pursuing me?

Why aren't you leading me?

Why aren't you seeking relationship with me?

There's sort of this total hands-off approach.

And so you can see how your husband could wonder,

Am I wanted?

Yep.

Yep.

Very interesting.

Question five,

Am I successful?

This tends to be people who grew up in competitive families where there's scoreboards and winning and kind of that was in the water of your family of origin.

Question six is,

Am I good enough?

This is where perhaps you grew up in a home with a lot of perfectionism,

A lot of criticism,

A lot of nitpicking about your friends and your wardrobe.

And you just fundamentally feel like there's,

You're flawed,

That there's something wrong with you.

And this question gets expressed in a very interesting way,

Kind of two clear ways.

Number one,

Person with this primal question will either be sort of like very insecure or like a fly on the wall or very kind of managing their image quite a bit.

They tend to be very high achievers,

Tend to struggle with imposter syndrome because they're just wondering like,

Am I valued?

Am I good enough?

Do I measure up?

That's just the fundamental question driving their life.

The other way that it gets expressed,

And maybe this is the more negative way it gets expressed is narcissism,

Right?

This is where we then lean into a lot of self-puffery or telling people how great we are because really that's just our insecurity of not feeling good enough now coming out and being expressed in narcissism.

So fundamentally,

It's the primal question of,

Am I good enough driving all of this?

And then finally,

The last question is just question seven.

Do I have a purpose?

And really this is,

I call it people who grow up in overly inspirational families tend to have this question where parents put this pressure on the child to like do something really great or have a great impact,

Or you're going to change the world.

That was kind of,

Again,

Nothing wrong with that,

But you can see somebody going,

Okay,

Now I work as middle management at a large corporation.

Is this,

Is my life having impact?

Is this my purpose?

Is this?

And so they're always struggling with that kind of angst around whether they're doing enough to save the world.

Wow.

These are,

I love these.

They're so relevant.

Yeah.

And I mean,

I could see every human would plug into one of them.

Reminds me a little bit of the Enneagram,

You know,

How we want to work on them.

It seems like it's like our life,

Our life's work,

Right?

So if I'm an Enneagram,

It's not something you heal in a week or in a year of counseling.

It's like,

No,

It's kind of like something you're looking at throughout your whole life.

Correct?

Exactly.

And one of the things too,

That I really focus on in the book,

And again,

I encourage your listeners to go to the,

My website,

Mikefoster.

Tv or just primalquestion.

Com to take the assessment.

But one of the things that's really important to understand is we certainly want to manage the question in our own lives,

But the other side of the question is what I call your primal gift.

And it's this superpower that every question has.

Because fundamentally what we want to do is improve our relationships.

We want to improve our,

You know,

Kind of like how we show up in the world.

So like every question,

I'll give you an example.

What happens is the research shows we will take our primal question and we will put it over every other person that we interact with.

And then we work very diligently to answer that with a yes.

So give you an example,

And this is what makes you great at what you do,

Michelle.

So let's take your,

Am I safe question?

What you do is you place your,

Am I safe question over all your friends,

All your clients,

All the people that you're coaching.

And that creates this atmosphere where they feel they can open up.

They can talk about hard things.

They can be honest with you.

And that's a real relational superpower that you have because you have fundamentally been studying safety your entire life.

I never thought about it like that.

That's fascinating.

Interesting.

Yeah.

So perhaps I'm creating that space,

That safe space for people so they can become more vulnerable and drop into themselves.

Wow.

That's really cool.

Yeah.

I'll give you,

Give you an example with your husband.

Am I wanted?

My guess is your husband does a really good job,

Including people.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Welcoming people.

Oh yes.

Yes.

Okay.

Yeah.

But he has said to me,

But he said to me over 25 years,

Do you really want me?

It's so fascinating because that,

That,

Those are his words.

Are you sure you're really wanting?

I'm like,

Well,

I'm like,

What are you talking about?

Yes.

Oh,

Are you sure?

Yes.

I'm like,

Oh my God,

Why do you ask me this question?

Now it makes sense.

I've never asked that question to him.

That's so funny.

Gosh.

It's not the lens of how you see the world.

You see your world through the lens of safety.

He sees his,

The world through the lens of belonging and inclusion and being pursued and wanted.

Dang.

That's so fascinating.

Yeah.

Cause my growing up was like,

Ooh,

There were many times I didn't feel safe.

We had the uncle that would come over for me.

I even had colic for the first nine months of my life.

Sometimes someone would come tend to me.

Sometimes they let me,

You know,

Quote unquote,

Cry it out.

So it was really hard.

I had to learn how to take care of myself.

It wasn't safe.

There were a lot of things that weren't safe.

When you think about,

I talk a lot about the inner child.

So the first six years and you said the first five years,

What goes on during those first few years?

It's hard.

We don't have discernment to say,

Oh,

My mom was mad at me because she had a fight with her sister.

No,

We take it on.

It's like,

It's my fault.

I did something wrong.

So fascinating work.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Within that,

I think it's important that people understand that that's not something,

There's nothing wrong with Michelle.

There's nothing wrong with your husband.

There's just something that some programming that we have that needs to be tended to and led from our healthy self,

But also within it is this really powerful gift that we're meant to deploy and use.

See,

I don't have the gift of belonging and wantedness.

Your husband does.

Okay.

I have the gift of safety.

I need to look for ways to,

To give that away,

You know,

Same success.

Am I successful?

Trust me.

You want them on your team,

Okay?

Because they inherently know how to win and they will win.

I love that.

I wanted to ask you how we apply it in,

I want to ask you how you apply it in any kind of relationship,

But also in business.

So can we start in,

Um,

Since you're talking about business,

Tell us more,

Like you said,

You do some executive coaching too.

So what does that look like with employees that have one style and their bosses that have a different style?

Exactly.

Well,

This is one of my favorite things.

And I talk about this in the book,

Do a whole chapter,

Just how this plays out in the workplace.

But I'll give you a story.

Um,

I had a client I was working with,

He's a CEO of a large company and he was trying to bring some feedback to his CFO.

Now his CFO has the primal question of,

Am I good enough?

And so one of the things that he was running into when he was bringing this feedback to his CFO with the primal question of,

Am I good enough?

Is that the defenses would go up,

The walls would go up when he'd start bringing this feedback.

And so what we worked,

Worked together and really kind of did kind of with the three of us is understood that if the CEO wants to bring feedback,

He first has to answer the CFO's primal question with the yes,

Okay.

So he needed to come in and say,

Hey,

Listen,

I'll just make up a name,

Joe,

You're doing a great job.

I'm so glad you're our CFO.

I really value you kind of really,

Really make sure we're affirming a yes to Joe's.

Am I good enough?

Primal question.

And then bringing the feedback because a question six person is going to be very,

Very rattled by any type of feedback or performance review or anything that feels critical.

Whereas somebody like me,

I'm not going to be rattled by that as much.

Now I'm going to be rattled by if you come in and talk to me about,

I'm not sure the company's going to,

The company's about to go out of business.

I'm going to be rattled by that because I'm going to feel like my whole safety is now going to be jeopardized.

So like one of the things that I would say is like,

If I was your employee,

Like Michelle,

Say you're my CEO and I'm on your team,

Michelle,

You do not want to call me on a Wednesday and go,

Hey Mike,

I've got,

I've got an emergency meeting on Friday.

I need to talk to you.

Okay.

And then hang up.

Right.

Or leave a voicemail.

You want to be very,

Very,

Cause I just go like,

Oh,

I'm in fire,

Worst case scenarios.

Like I am going to be freaking out for two days.

Okay.

So what you want to do in your communications with me as a good CEO and as good leader,

You want to say,

Hey,

Cause I want the truth.

I need details.

I want to understand exactly what,

What's happening.

That's how I feel safe,

Kind of that hyper vigilance part of me.

So you want to go,

Hey Mike,

We have a marketing meeting,

Emergency marketing meeting.

Everything's okay.

And I'm also going to bring Joe and Amy.

They're going to be in the meeting also,

But we really need to solve this problem because I think there's a really great opportunity for our company here.

Right.

Okay.

That's going to land so differently on me than you just kind of not thinking through the fact that my primal question is,

Am I safe?

I love that.

In fact,

I'm thinking of,

I'm going to have,

Of course,

Everyone that works with me that they're going to have to take this cause I liked,

I want to know what they are.

We have them all take the Enneagram and now that we're going to add this to it,

Because Every time I will slack one of the girls that works for me and I'll say,

Hey,

Do you have any,

You know,

30 minutes this,

This week to jump on a call?

Her response is like,

Am I getting fired?

I'm like,

No,

She does this all the time.

I wonder if she also has,

I am safe.

I can't wait to hear it.

Cause she says this,

She's worked with me for three years.

She goes,

Every time you reach out a thing,

I'm going to get fired.

I'm like,

Oh my goodness,

No,

Not at all.

So this is fascinating.

Well,

Think of this,

Like if your husband was on your team and you're the CEO of your husband,

You would make sure that you would invite him to all the company activities,

Right?

You do not want to leave him out because if you left him out or overlooked him,

You know,

Like say you're going to go out and have drinks after dinner,

After a long work day and you left him out,

That would be a no to his primal question that he's not wanted.

So again,

When we started tuning to our,

Our team members,

Primal question,

We can really become a very effective leader with them and lead them very well.

I love this.

It's funny.

Cause I I'm seeing my husband cause you had said he includes everybody.

He always wants to make sure everyone's included,

Right?

So I remember him,

I had a visual of him sitting down with our two sons saying,

Now,

If you ever did at a dinner party,

You never want to let yourself dominate a conversation.

You always want to make sure everyone at the table is included.

I remember him saying this to them.

You want to actually go and look at the person that's not speaking and encourage them to speak.

Ask them questions.

It's very important that everyone at the table feels very included.

You guys hear me?

They're like,

Yes,

Dad.

I'm thinking,

Wow,

It's a great quality though.

And he's right about it.

But to have a talk with the kids about it,

It was really interesting.

So it's very interesting.

It's his superpower,

Right?

It's his priority.

Kind of another way to say this is what we need the most is what we want to give away to others.

And so this belonging,

That's a real priority for your husband because he wants that.

He wants to be included.

He also wants to give that away to everybody else because he's assuming that everybody else wants to be included also.

Now that's where we kind of can make a mistake a little bit because perhaps there's people out there who don't want to be included.

And that's okay because your husband may look at sort of like,

I don't want to be included.

I don't want to belong.

I don't want to be a part.

That could send your husband into his scramble.

He could take that as a no or maybe to his own primal question.

And so again,

That's why we want to live in the primal truth because when we're showing up,

You know,

When I live with,

I am safe,

I'm going to be giving out my primal gift in a really healthy way.

But if I'm living in my question,

I may be giving out my primal gift in a more unhealthy way.

For example,

If I'm just putting,

Let's just say I'm living in my question and I'm over indexing on safety.

I am now like making you feel so safe that I'm not telling you the truth.

Okay.

Right.

That could be,

That could be my tendency.

Your husband could be like,

I need everybody to feel included.

I need everybody that's over indexing.

Right.

And so we've got to be aware of like the healthy deployment of that primal gift.

Tell us about how this applies to personal relationships.

And again,

It could be someone you're in partnership with,

But it could even be like,

You know,

Siblings or friends or anything like that.

Tell us about that a little bit.

How does that show up?

Well,

You know,

Fundamentally like the,

The tool is about improving all relationships because it,

Once we can start interacting with each other around kind of the core driver of our life and understand that,

I think so often,

You know,

I write about this in the book.

I kind of say like in our relationships,

If,

If our relationships were a tree,

We tend to live in the branches of that tree and we do a lot of pruning and the tree,

The branches,

It's busy.

They're kind of all in,

They can be all entangled and it can get very confusing and create a lot of problems for relationships.

But the more that we can live in the trunk and the roots of something,

Relationships just get a lot simpler.

I don't have to like figure out all the branches of what's going on with my wife.

I just need to understand her primal question and what I might be doing to answer that with a no or a maybe again,

Unintentionally.

And I think most of us in relationship with each other unintentionally answered the primal question with a no or a maybe.

So if we can begin to use this,

It's language,

That's all this is.

It's just a language or a model that says,

Okay,

If I approach Michelle now knowing that safety is a really important part of her life,

I can make certain choices.

I can make certain decisions.

I could make sure I'm really clear with you in communication.

If I see you being triggered,

I'm like,

Okay,

I know what's going on here.

She's not feeling safe.

Yep.

So do you think that these primal needs are at the core of just how we operate every single day?

Absolutely.

The root,

It's at the root.

So if I'm feeling triggered,

Is it because I'm not feeling safe on some level and some part of me is getting triggered around safety?

I believe the question is so dominant and so ingrained in every aspect of our lives that yes,

Almost everything is attached to it.

Wow.

I have a question when it comes to that.

Are you also seeing things like most people that have,

Let's say depression or anxiety or codependency,

Like are they plugged into a certain primal need here?

Like,

Or question?

Yes.

So here's what I'd say is,

And again,

There are exceptions to every rule here and I don't want to be like too generalist about it because depression,

Anxiety,

There's a lot going on there.

But I do think if we're a coach or a therapist or even trying to lead ourselves better,

The anxiety or the depression is the branches,

Okay?

That's the branches of the tree.

What we need to understand is perhaps the anxiety that I'm feeling is attached to the am I safe question or the am I secure question,

Or perhaps my anxiety is attached to how people perceive me and my value.

Question six,

Am I good enough?

Ultimately,

Like I always say,

I think about it like layers,

Like under every behavior is an emotion or feeling driving that behavior,

But under every emotion and feeling is an unmet need driving that emotion or feeling,

Okay?

And so what we want to do is focus on the unmet need and that's really like,

Is the unmet need safety?

Is the unmet need security?

Is the unmet need love?

And really like looking to the primal question to say,

Okay,

What's not being met right now that is driving the emotional reaction or the emotional flooding,

Which is then the behavior that I'm seeing.

And so again,

I would say anxiety,

Depression,

Those are the emotions and feelings,

But there's something underneath that driving that narrative or that,

That,

That reaction.

But you're not finding that like the people that have,

Let's say,

Am I wanted or do I have a purpose?

Let's say,

Are those,

Those people don't have,

Let's say more anxiety than someone that has am I safe?

You're not finding that in your studies.

Well,

What I,

What I would say is let's take a house,

For example.

There's a home.

I live in a home,

A white house here in San Diego.

The way I look at this house is it's a place of safety and protection.

The way question two,

Am I secure people would look at this house.

This is a,

This is a way for them,

This is a financial investment.

The way that a question three would look at it would be,

This is a place where,

Where people can feel loved and we can host things.

Your husband would look at a house as a place of convening people and welcoming the neighbors in.

The question five,

Am I successful would look at the house as this is a way to show that I've made it and I'm successful.

Okay.

Question six would look at it as this is a place where,

I don't know,

That I,

I feel like I'm,

I've,

I matter because I,

I,

I'm actually a homeowner now.

And maybe question seven people would go,

This is the place where we're going to launch our children into making an impact in the world.

Now it's still a house,

Right?

It's,

It's still the same white house,

But how you see that and how you interact with it and how you work with it is dependent on your primal question.

And so we may have anxiety and I would say,

Yes,

For sure,

Anxiety would be attached to question one.

Am I safe?

But there could be a social anxiety around a question for,

Am I wanted?

And so there could be anxiety around the fact that you're not leading a meaningful,

You know,

Impactful life.

So it can play out across all seven questions,

But I do believe,

And this is why I love the tool because it's simple,

But it actually has a lot of implications in somebody's life.

Like once I know my question,

A lot of,

A lot of things begin to make a lot more sense.

Right.

That's so good.

I love this.

Is there one that's like harder to find the gift of them?

Like,

Is there one where people just get stuck over and over again?

Or does that make sense?

Like in terms of the primal gift of,

Yeah,

The primal gift,

You know,

So like for your wife,

You know,

Am I loved?

Is that one of the hardest ones to flip and find the primal gift or are they all kind of the same?

And it depends on your personality.

Well,

It's all difficult because it,

It requires self-awareness,

Right?

And it requires us to leave patterns of our kid logic and our kid solutions,

And it's kind of step into our adult selves,

But not,

Not any one question is more difficult than the other.

I would say,

Um,

How the,

How strong of an imprint that question is,

Does matter.

I think that that brings some implications like I,

A question being imprinted by trauma is just going to carry a lot more weight to it than a question just imprinted through confusion.

Perhaps.

Yeah.

I think about the depth of the wound.

Yeah.

That makes a lot of sense.

That makes a lot of sense.

That's a good way to say it.

The depth of the wound matters.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you talk about using this with,

You know,

Coaching or,

Or even in therapy,

How,

How do you do that?

Do you just take the test and say,

Here you go,

Therapist or coach of mine,

Help me out now you know my primal wound.

Well,

So,

You know,

There's two ways to do it.

For sure.

I'd encourage people to go to my website,

Mikefoster.

Tv,

Do the assessment,

It's about 30 questions and you can have,

You know,

A client do that and they can bring the results.

But if I was just facilitating this as a coach or a therapist,

There'd be a couple areas that I would look at.

So the first question I'd ask somebody in terms of assessing their primal question is talk to me about your triggers.

Talk to me about the things that emotionally activate you,

That emotionally floods you.

Because what,

What,

And they start,

When they start talking about that,

Basically what they're talking about is my primal question being answered with a no.

Okay.

So I want to understand what's going on.

What are the things that are happening?

Is it a safety issue?

Is it a purpose issue?

Is it a love issue?

That's what it,

So I wanted them to talk about their triggers.

Then I want to have them talk about what's the,

What's your message to the world?

What is the one thing that you would want me to know?

Well,

Typically what we want people to know is the thing that we want to hear.

Okay.

So like,

What I want to hear is that everything's going to be okay.

Okay.

Because my primal question is,

Am I safe?

Somebody who has question seven,

Do I have a purpose?

They're going to want it.

I promise you the purpose,

People are going to be talking to people.

They're going to want people,

Strangers or kids,

Everyone they meet to know that they have a purpose,

That they are going to make an impact in the world.

Okay.

Cause that's what they talk about.

I always say like sports,

People talk about sports,

Car,

People talk about cars,

Primal questions,

Talk about primal questions.

Like it is what you will communicate about.

It will be your priorities,

Your language.

So what is your message to the world?

And then the third thing I would look at is just the family of origin.

Talk to me about some of the things that were happening in your family and that you felt that you experienced,

That you made some conclusions about.

And that helps us understand.

And when people get talking,

All you're doing as a coach is collecting the themes and the data and say,

It feels like it might be,

Am I loved?

It feels like it might be,

Am I safe?

So good.

I'm wondering if we are in a relationship with someone again,

Like my mom,

My sister,

My whomever friend.

And I know that my primal wounding is all around feeling safe.

Do I let them know that?

Like I think it'd be really cool to like educate people around us.

Like,

Yeah.

So one of my primal questions is,

Am I safe?

So I want you to know that as I interact with you,

That's one of my things.

So it might look like this or this or this.

So it would help me to feel reassured that I'm safe.

Would you recommend that?

I'm just thinking of like how I would apply this in my relationships now,

Knowing that that's one of my primal questions.

Well,

I love where you went there because that's exactly what we want to do.

We want to take this information,

This insight that we have about ourselves and share it with the people who are important to us,

Who are doing life with us.

I think that again,

It's an opportunity to dance better together.

It's a way to interact in a more powerful and efficient way.

It is vulnerable to say like,

Hey,

I have a need for safety and I have a question.

So we're not just broadcasting this to anybody,

It's not everybody's business to know what our primal question is because it's an important part.

I do think it's a sacred part of who we are.

But for sure,

Like family members,

Safe friends,

Coworkers,

People that we're doing things with,

It helps them understand you better.

And if they care about you,

Which they do,

And they want a better relationship with you,

They're going to attune to the awareness of your need for safety.

I love that.

I just see this as such an empowering tool that can help any relationship really.

Because even if,

Let's say if I'm working in a corporation or any business,

Let's say my boss does not need to know,

Unless I have a great relationship with them,

My boss doesn't need to know what my primal question is,

But I do.

And I need to be really aware of how my question is showing up in my life in general.

So just having that information for myself,

I find it could be life-changing in a way.

Yeah.

It gives you a new understanding of yourself and how to lead yourself in the best health.

I want to be on to me.

I want to know like,

Oh yeah,

There I go again,

Going into my scramble,

Doing all the hypervigilance,

Doing all this super high control stuff.

That stuff ruins my life.

That doesn't make,

That leads to exhaustion and it's not how I want to show up.

So if I can be on to me,

Like I understand the hidden programming inside of me,

This question that is influencing so much of my day and my relationships,

If I can understand that,

That gives me a lot of empowerment to conduct myself in the best way possible.

So good.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for joining me today.

I wish you a beautiful week and I'll see you next week for the next show.

Reviews

Fantastic as usual

this is revolutionary for me. i did his questions and i was actually surprised that my primal question was; do i feel secure in relationships and financially. i thought it would be, am i enough. but as i thought about the quiz results i could see the core wound is, am i secure in relationships and financially. i’m excited to explore this further. i with the interview explored more solutions and what is my super power and how do i rephrase things that empower my primal question versus feeling triggered or upset. but maybe reading the book will delve into that more.

again great interview 🙏

I’ll be taking Mike’s assessment soon. Great podcast Michelle! 💜

Loved it
Will look up mike foster and do the survey
Very helpful