466: Taming Your Control Freak

Today, I am diving deep into the concept of control and how to release its grip on our lives and others. I introduce six control-busting truths designed to help mitigate the fear-driven need to control everything.

Drawing from personal experiences as a recovering control freak, I discuss the impact of control on mental health and daily life, the connection to codependency, and the extreme exhaustion that comes from trying to maintain control. We explore the importance of accepting things as they are, trusting the process, and challenging our controlling nature to create a more peaceful existence.

Transcript

Welcome to the Michelle Chalfant Show,

The next evolution of the Adult Share Podcast.

I am Michelle Chalfant,

And my goal is to help you to awaken to your true self.

Together we will break through your barriers so you can find your purpose and live a soul aligned life.

Each week,

I'll bring you powerful conversations with thought leaders,

Spiritual teachers,

Healers and change makers,

Along with actionable insights to help you to transform your life from the inside out.

Welcome to the Michelle Chalfant Show.

So today we're talking about control.

So if you want to learn how to lessen the grip on your life and other people's lives,

This is the show for you today.

So I'm going to talk to you about,

I've got,

Let me see,

How many did I write out for you guys?

We're going to loosen the grip of control.

And I've got what I'm calling six control busting truths.

How about that for you all?

I've had some people write in about control lately,

And it's definitely something that has been near and dear to my heart.

And yeah.

All right,

So we're going to jump into this podcast,

Control Freak No More.

Are you ready to get started?

And if you're irritated at all with how long it's taken me to get to this podcast,

You also might be a control freak.

And I say that with the utmost love for you.

But let's face it,

Control is based in fear,

Period.

So what chair are you sitting in?

Guess,

Take a guess.

Adolescent chair,

Which is also based in fear.

It's a persona that comes from that adolescent chair.

So,

You know,

We fear that something bad is going to happen.

Something is not going to go our way.

We think we know best.

We don't like surprises.

We get controlling.

We get impatient.

We get controlling.

We get too involved with our own lives,

Honestly.

Hear me say that again.

We get too involved with our own lives.

In other words,

We're out of the flow.

We're too in it.

Like let some things just happen.

And we're also overly involved with other people's lives.

And again,

I speak this as a recovering control freak myself,

And I work on it daily.

And it is so much better than it was in the past.

But it's something I certainly had to work on daily,

Especially when I realized I was codependent because that is one of our qualities as codependents,

Is this controlling nature that we have.

And so many of us make light of it,

Or we call ourselves,

I'm making light of it,

Of course,

Calling us control freaks.

Or that we're just controlling.

A lot of people say things like,

Oh,

I'm just type A,

Get over it.

Or controlling people can also,

By the way,

Be dropped into that perfectionism category.

And I hear that all the time,

And I'm sure you do too.

People say to me like,

Well,

It's just how I roll.

I'm just a perfectionist,

You know,

And I get my job done really well.

And I keep my house really clean.

It's just how I am.

I'm type A.

It's just me.

It's just who I am.

Now,

Really?

Let's think about that.

It's just who I am.

A control freak?

It's just not healthy.

And that's what I had to learn,

Like,

With my poor adrenal fatigue that I'm in and out of for so much of my life from my childhood stuff that just kept me so on edge.

I became this control freak,

But oh my gosh,

To live with that state,

It's not healthy for us.

It's not healthy for anybody to live with that much stress.

And I have some very type A people as clients,

And I see them.

I'm like,

Wow,

Like,

I know what that's like.

I've sat in your shoes.

So I completely,

Completely relate what it's like to be in that state of being where we're just so controlling over everything and we're terrified.

It's not even like a little bit of a fear to let things go.

It's,

It feels,

At least it did for me and for other people I know,

Like terrifying that if we don't control this or that situation,

It's like the whole world's going to end.

That's how it feels when we are control freaks or controlling or type A or perfectionist,

That kind of thing.

Again,

I want to ask you this,

Though,

Like,

Is that our natural state?

When we think about like our natural state or our flow state or peaceful place,

You know,

When we're most lined up with our higher self or God or the universe or the most connected with ourselves,

Like,

Is that really who we are?

Think about that.

Like,

No,

But we do form an identity around it.

And we take pride in having,

I mean,

Gosh,

I've had some friends over the years that I can pop in their house any time of the day,

Seven days a week,

Unannounced,

And there is not anything out of place.

Okay,

That's too much,

Too much.

And if things are out of place,

They get headaches.

And I mean,

That's like,

Oh,

My goodness,

I did not have that much control.

But I,

I know people that are like that.

And it's hard to live like that.

It's hard to maintain that.

Because when things are out of whack,

I mean,

The stress just goes right through the roof.

So I don't believe that that's who we really are.

I think that's who we develop into.

That's a persona that we become based on,

Again,

Stuff in our past,

Childhood stuff.

As kids,

You know,

We might have felt chaotic or out of control,

Or likewise,

We might have gotten a lot of praise when we were loved and or felt loved,

Like when we did things right or came home with straight A's and we got like overly praised.

So we said,

Oh,

We better do that again.

So who knows how it happened?

In my opinion,

I don't think it really matters.

What we need to do is focus on the now.

I'm not going to go back in time and look at where it came from and try to untangle all that.

It's just not necessary.

But again,

I mentioned codependency earlier.

Maybe you had to become a parent to your parent at a young age.

That's something that I felt like I had to do.

Or you had to emotionally take care of a parent or other kids in the home or better yet,

Even an alcoholic parent or a drug addicted parent or,

You know,

Just take care of things at a very young age.

In other words,

Become an adult when you're a child.

That's codependency at its finest here,

Folks.

Like that really,

You know,

When that parent is leaning on us as kids,

We can become,

It's very controlling.

We feel like we have to control everything to keep our lives and their lives together.

So again,

We don't need to go back.

I'm just giving you food for thought of like,

If you might be wondering,

Like,

Where did this happen?

Like,

How did that happen?

That could be maybe,

Maybe not,

But there's a chance that that's maybe where it came from.

So there isn't much good about being controlling.

It's just not healthy.

And it really,

It's not,

Doesn't leave us in our,

Into our adult chair.

It doesn't lead us or leave us into our adult chair.

So we really need to get out of that state or that space.

So how does that feel so far?

If I let everyone,

I hope you're not feeling defeated because here's the good news.

It will be okay.

And we can work our way out of that controlling place.

It just takes work,

But I 100% believe that we can.

Again,

If I've done it,

I feel like anybody can absolutely do it.

It just takes a little bit of work because I'm a hard student and I feel like if I can do it,

Anyone can do it.

And I don't like to take 25 years to get one thing done or one thing shifted into my life.

So I really try to offer on the show tools or truths or keys in order to help you to implement tool or implement new things in your life to create quicker change.

And that's what,

That's what we're all about here in the adult chair.

So I do have some truths for you.

So here's my control busting truths to loosen the grip of control and transform that inner perfectionist.

So here's the thing.

When we are controlling,

It means we have an outward focus.

So we're focusing on others or things outside of ourselves,

And we're not actually in touch with what's going on in the inside.

And it's just in my opinion,

A habit that we get into.

And again,

It might have happened when you were five years old,

Or it might have happened six years ago.

It doesn't really matter.

But that's what's going on when we're controlling.

You're looking outside of yourself first,

And you're not even paying attention to what's going on on the inside.

And control can be like an addiction because guess what,

If I'm focusing on you,

I don't have to feel my own pain and my turmoil or my sadness.

And there you go.

So it can become an addiction to just keep looking outside and instead of looking inside.

So what we want to do is to bust that open is instead of having an outward focus,

Let's start focusing our attention on the inside.

Start getting in touch with,

You know,

Before you take action or speak up about something that you are not invited to speak up about or take action on.

Because when we're controlling,

We just bust in and do what we think is best.

I would invite you instead to pause and ask yourself,

How does that make me feel that that's happening outside of myself?

How's that make me feel?

Start getting in touch with what emotions are coming up for you.

We tend to think when we're this controlling that we know best about everything.

We know best for myself.

I know best for you.

I know best for other people.

You need to listen to me.

And I see this so often with our kids and teens and children.

I don't care what age,

It's like,

Remember the example I used many years ago,

I've used it on a podcast where when we have children,

See,

This is the thing.

Don't take this as an extreme,

Like you're not supposed to be involved in your kids' lives at all.

But what I'm saying is,

And of course,

When we have kids,

We tend to focus on them because they're our responsibility.

But this example I used many years ago is that when children are born,

We have to be their guardrails.

So think of a baby on a one lane road and we're their guardrails.

Then when they're toddlers,

We give them two lanes and we're still the guardrails.

And as they age,

These guardrails expand as does the road.

So by the time they're teenagers,

They're on like a five or six lane expressway and we're still the guardrails,

But we want them to fail.

We want them to make mistakes.

We want them to make choices.

We want them to find their own intuition about things and their own flow.

We want them to connect to themselves and make choices for themselves.

And what I see,

I think it might be our day and age,

Parents are so involved in their kids' lives.

It's ridiculous.

You know,

These parents that are getting their kids pushed on different sports teams or dance teams or because their kid,

You know,

Is going to get ostracized if they're not,

Or they want their kid to be the best and it's like,

Oh my God,

Like stop,

Pull back.

What does your kid want to do?

Does your kid want to be on that team?

I have had to go through this with my own children.

It is very difficult to sit back and watch our kids that are extremely talented,

Not want to do a certain sport or a certain activity.

When we see talent as parents,

I find we push these kids and it has been,

I've had to duct tape myself into my adult chair and not push my older,

My younger son that just graduated into D1 soccer.

Everyone has asked me,

Is he going to play?

He's in the newspaper every week.

His coaches are begging me to ask him to play.

He doesn't want to play in college.

He's so talented since he was a young kid and he does not want to play.

So I got to let it go.

And it's so hard.

I want to get in there and control it and push him.

I'm not doing it simply because of what I'm talking about right now.

It's not my life.

It's his life.

And he is on by now like a 12 lane expressway.

And my job is to be his guardrails and just keep him alive,

Not to tell him what to do with his life.

So we need to back off.

So that's one example.

If you don't have kids or your kids are older,

This still applies to you.

What are you focusing on outside of yourself?

Pull that focus inside.

What are you feeling?

Just to use that my son as an example,

I was almost in panic because I was inundated with people saying,

Please tell me he's going to play in college.

Please tell me he's going to play in college and he's so good.

And I'd have to turn to them and say he's not.

And I remember the first few times that I turned to people and said that because everyone's like it's ridiculous that he's not playing.

Why wouldn't he play?

I felt shame.

I felt shame.

So if I'm not in touch with my emotions,

Like the old me would have been controlled and pushed him to do something that maybe he didn't want to do.

And then he would have read possibly,

I don't know,

But resented me later.

So it's like we have to honor what we are feeling on the inside first and then make a decision,

Then speak up.

It's been very hard for me,

But I have done it and I'm really proud of myself.

So whatever you're dealing with,

Focus on the inside,

Get in touch with what's going on with you first,

Then make a decision.

There's got to be a pause.

And I find when we're controlling,

There's no pausing.

There's no taking a breath.

It's just reaction.

And we take action right away.

And there's no thought through.

There's no thinking through it.

Okay.

Bad news.

Here's number two.

Control does not last.

When we think we have everything sorted out and controlled and that really creates this feeling of safety.

Everything can shift on a dime.

Everything.

Everything.

So it's really impossible to keep everything under control 247.

And it makes us stay in that hyper alert mode,

Which is again,

Like I said,

So draining on our adrenals.

So chill out.

It's impossible to keep your finger on everything.

I've used this example before.

It's like whack-a-mole,

You know,

That game where the little mole pops up,

You have to hit it with a hammer.

It's like living like that,

Waiting for the next mole to pop up.

We can't control everything.

And just when we think we have our bosses figured out,

Our kids figured out,

Our parents figured out,

Our siblings figured out,

Whomever it is,

When we think we've got them nailed down and figured out,

Boom,

They will surprise us and throw us a curve ball.

Or by the way,

Are they just living their lives?

And it's just life.

And I hate to tell you,

It's just life.

We cannot predict what's coming for anybody,

Even ourselves.

And that freaks us out.

If we have this inner part of us that is a controller,

That really does freak us out.

So one of the things that we want to do if we have this inner controller is to work with that part.

We really,

Because control does not last,

When we think we have everything under control and then it shifts,

Get in touch with that part of you on the inside.

Like I was telling you about my son.

I had to get in touch with myself.

I was like,

Oh my God,

I feel shame because he's not going to college to play soccer.

Interesting.

So what we will do is we don't feel that shame.

That's from the child chair.

And then it pushes us into that adolescent chair to take action and get controlling.

So I stopped that control part in the adolescent chair by sitting in my child.

I was like,

Wow,

I feel like it's a reflection of me and it's not.

And then that was my adult talking to me like,

Wait a minute.

I feel shame because he's not playing in soccer,

Playing in college.

It's not even me.

It's not a reflection of me.

It's a reflection of what he wants to do with his life and I have to honor that.

Then the shame melted away.

So we want to slow down,

Get in touch with what's going on in the inside and maybe even talk to that part of you that wants to control or talk to the inner child.

Okay,

This is number three,

But it kind of is what I was just saying,

Which is challenge your thinking.

This is what really gets us in trouble.

When your mind is racing,

Which by the way is the adolescent chair,

We need to slow down and ask ourselves,

Is this true?

Is it true that I'll get fired if I do this or if I do that?

Is it true that my spouse is going to leave me or my boyfriend or girlfriend is going to break up with me if I bring up this topic?

Is it true?

Is it true that your child is going to get ostracized if they don't make that sports team or dance team or whatever?

Is it true?

So 90 something percent of the time they've done studies on this,

It's not true,

But we're reacting from a place of believing that that story is true.

So we need to,

Again,

Challenge our thinking,

Start talking to the mind when the mind is all scared and say,

You know what,

I don't know that that's true.

Let's see.

Let's see what happens.

We really have to do some internal investigation to help ourselves get,

You know,

Unlock the grip of the ego because that ego has such a grip on us.

And again,

Challenge that thinking.

It's really,

Really important to do that.

Okay.

This is big.

Number four.

What if you could let go and accept dot,

Dot,

Dot,

Fill in the blank.

What do you need to accept that you're not accepting?

Can you accept that someone doesn't like you?

What if your in-laws don't like you?

Can you accept it?

What if one of your coworkers does not like you?

Can you accept that?

What if your ex-husband or ex-wife hates your guts?

Can you accept it and not need to go in and change it?

Acceptance by the way,

Is not resignation,

Okay?

It's just accepting life as it is,

Okay?

It is truly our key to freedom.

We get caught in our stories and assumptions and get stuck in,

It's kind of like it is our reality.

For example,

I had a client that did not get married and I love this client.

And she was very upset the other day because she didn't get married and did not have children.

So she's just upset about that and she feels like it was her fault and the choices that she made.

And I said,

You know,

What if we could just accept,

And we've been talking about acceptance of this.

And acceptance is freedom because when we can accept something,

We do that from our adult chair.

It gives,

Then the adolescent chair lets go.

Whoever is holding on to that blame and guilt and shame that,

You know,

That part in the adolescent chair is throwing all these emotions at us and the shame.

When we can accept who we are and where life is for us,

It lets go.

There's nothing for the ego to talk about anymore.

There's no self-talk.

It's just done.

So it's really the key.

It's freedom.

And of course,

It hurts us not to have somebody like us,

But when we can accept that they don't like us,

Then we can move on and let go.

So feel the pain.

If somebody doesn't like you,

Your in-laws or whomever,

Feel the pain around them not liking you,

Grieve it and then move on,

Accept it and then move on.

You know,

Acceptance can lead to self-compassion.

So if you're someone that's really controlling,

That's what's missing is self-compassion.

Self-compassion goes right along with acceptance.

It's such a gift.

Okay.

One of the hardest things people say is,

This is a big one,

How can I trust that everything's going to be okay?

That's number five.

How can I trust this?

How do I trust that it's okay that my son's not going to play soccer in college because he could get in any college across the United States?

How can I trust that's okay?

How can you trust that getting fired is the right thing for you?

How can you trust that getting divorced is the right thing?

How can you trust?

How can you trust,

Et cetera?

In other words,

How do I let go of control and trust that fill in the blank?

You know,

I just think that when we can trust the process,

Trust life,

Trust that there are no mistakes,

We can loosen the grip on control.

I'm not going to get really,

This is not like a religious dialogue right now.

It's more spiritual,

But if you can believe that there's something bigger than yourself out there,

Call it God,

Source,

The universe,

Whatever you want to call it.

And you believe that you've got a soul inside of you that is connected to this God or this source of this universe.

How can we possibly get it wrong?

How can we get it wrong?

Remember,

The ego is the part that judges things as good or bad.

In my opinion,

The soul is coming in and just having one experience after the next because the soul wants to have experiences in the body.

That's it.

It's not good,

Not bad.

The ego comes in and says,

This is good,

This is bad,

This is good,

This is bad,

This is good,

This is bad.

But the same God or the same universe that created the sun in the sky,

The moon coming up on the same precise date,

I mean,

We can predict these things and tides.

There are no mistakes there.

How can then mistakes happen within our lives?

I just,

I don't,

I don't think that they can.

We have a series of choices that we make and they're all okay.

They're all okay.

So,

Now we can make lower choices and higher choices for ourselves.

That's what free will is all about.

But when we can trust that there is just divine order in this whole universe,

That helps us to loosen this grip of control.

There is divine order,

Even with death.

That's the only thing that we know that's true that's going to happen to us in this lifetime,

100% for sure.

We're all going to die at some point.

But what happens between birth and death is just an experience.

It's one experience after the next,

After the next,

After the next.

So,

I'm going to end there.

Just contemplate that for a moment because it is pretty darn scary to think that it's like,

Oh gosh,

You know,

What's going to happen to me if I,

If I'm not controlling.

But when you can just think about maybe the fact that there's something else outside of us,

You remember there's this beautiful flow state.

I did a whole podcast on it,

It was awesome,

And that's where we want to be.

But what is that flow state?

Like what is,

If you think about what that flow state is,

That flow state is that beautiful energy that we're connected to,

And it's flowing down through us.

And our job is to stay as in line and in the flow as possible with that beautiful energy coming down through us.

Now,

It doesn't mean that if we're going out of the flow that it's wrong,

It just means we're experiencing something else,

And then we want to get back in the flow state.

So when you think that something might have been bad that happened to you in the past,

Just think through this whole thing,

This contemplation I just gave you.

Just think through this and maybe can you trust it?

And you know,

Sometimes when something bad happens,

You know,

I've talked to so many people that have had a tragedy in their lives.

And I've had many friends that have lost children,

And there's nothing good about that.

I'm not going to lie.

There is nothing good about that.

But as they've moved forward,

Different things have happened and gifts have happened from different experiences,

Maybe because of that child passing.

Again,

I am not here to say that anything is good about a child dying or anybody dying for that matter,

But some of the gifts that have happened.

One person I know started a charity to help many,

Many,

Many other people.

Things like that.

So in the moment when something quote-unquote bad happens,

It feels bad,

It feels awful,

It's painful.

But as we move forward and we look back,

It's like,

Was it?

It was in that moment,

But look what became of that experience.

So that helps us trust a little bit more and loosen that grip again of control.

All right,

Last truth,

Last truth,

Baby steps.

You know what?

I'm not going to lie.

It's hard to loosen the grips of control in one fell swoop.

It's like,

We can't do it in one second.

It's not going to happen.

But number one,

We want to have intention that we want to like have a mindset during the day.

Like,

Okay,

When I feel like I'm going to control during the day,

I want to pause and take a breath instead and then make a choice.

And you know,

I've had to,

I remember with probably my sister and then a friend or two,

I've said,

When you feel like I'm being controlling,

Because we miss it when we are in our controlling place,

We miss it.

So I've had to have people say to me,

Like,

Can you tell me when I'm doing it?

Because I don't even know.

I thought it was being kind of like when I was codependent or when it comes out still,

I can't tell if I'm being caring or codependent or controlling now.

So sometimes we need a little help.

So it's important that we maybe have somebody nearby that you can ask and run things by them and say,

Hey,

Is this controlling or codependent?

I'm not sure.

Or,

Or am I being healthy here?

I just need a little help.

But take baby steps.

When you feel like you want to speak up about something and take over the conversation,

Put tape over your mouth.

Don't do it.

Become a really good listener.

Okay?

Try it.

And it is so uncomfortable in the beginning because we as controllers,

We want to take over the conversation or we want to have our two cents in that conversation because we think we're right.

Or we know what's best.

Or we want to direct this outcome.

So we're going to give our two cents.

Don't do it.

Just try it once and resist.

And it's so uncomfortable.

But man,

Let me tell you what,

As time goes on,

It gets better and easier.

And the more we trust,

It's like this whole unfolding.

And here's the thing,

When I'm stuck in control in my adolescent chair,

I am not fully connected to myself,

Into my higher self,

Into my soul,

Into any part of me that is divine in the higher self.

That's where I'm going.

And the more I can let go of control and trust,

The more I slide into my adult chair and the more at peace I am.

That's where we want to go.

That's why we want to let go of this control.

So become a really good listener.

You don't have to get the last word in.

When you feel like you want to chime in with your kids,

Don't do it,

Especially the older they get.

Unless they ask,

Become a really great listener.

It's a game changer,

Especially with kids.

And at work,

When you feel like you've got to do 25 things and you really are only required to do 10.

I'm not saying to be a slacker by any means,

By the way.

But notice the part of you that's driving you so hard.

We really want to get in touch with what's going on on the inside.

Who's driving the ship?

Is it the control part or is it your adult chair?

Are you in your adult?

You want to make sure you're in your adult.

That's the part that we want to navigate us through life,

Not the controller.

Okay?

And we're not here to end the ego.

Remember that.

We're just here to transform and heal the ego.

And this control persona can transform with these simple steps,

But you have to work on it.

So just loosen the grip,

Just practice and watch your life change for the better.

Trust me,

I've done it,

Done it,

Been there,

Done it,

Been there,

Done it,

I promise.

And life does get easier.

It really does.

So.

All right.

This has been delightful as always.

I have,

I always love my time with you guys.

Sending you all love and I'll see you seated firmly right here next week.

Reviews

Spot on! Control is just to distract from the turbulent emotions inside, the unhealed wounds. Give up control to connect to the greater power, the simple unfolding of life (for me, but may be different for others) and feel the emotion hidden behind the attempt to control. As an old control freak and child plus domestic abuse survivor, I will have many insights from here on out!

🙏🏽